View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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07-26-2006, 10:29 PM
Granted-keep typing

We wish that our black senses of humor were sometimes in a dark gray zone-but not permanently

07-26-2006, 10:37 PM
Granted - starting tomorrow, we will be having a discussion of Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and Pollyanna ... which one was more disgustingly adorable...

I wish I had some chocolate ...

07-26-2006, 10:45 PM
Granted but you will be sorry

We wish that politicians were much more inscrutable than they are-at least this way we could have fun figuring out what the hell they were talking about-the way it is now they are too obvious and we just laugh or cry-depending on their "Nucular" stupidity

07-26-2006, 10:49 PM
Granted -- Jeb Bush will be our next president ... and Jack Abramoff for VP

I wish they made chocolate that actually was good for you ..

07-26-2006, 10:53 PM
Granted-they say that it stimulates the brain and since it has more caffeine than coffee they might be on to something there-re stimulate that is-and of course restricted to dark-no milky stuff for persiphone-besides she does not need that crazy but wise brain of hers stimulated any more than it already is!

I wish that persiphone's post above me never comes true-since it looks like we shall have to vote for Abdul Hassan and Co.

07-26-2006, 10:54 PM
I believe that wish has already come true. I can't find the MSN link now, but I did read it. HAH HAH you wasted a wish. ( now I'll waste one too...ready?)

I wish all elected officials had to walk around nekkid as blue jays with funny faces painted on their bellies throughout their entire term of office unless they actually win a Nobel Peace prize for something that is peacable enough to be of benefit to humanity as a whole.

07-26-2006, 10:59 PM
Granted - but are you sure you really want to see Senator Ted Kennedy and Senator Robert Byrd naked??

I wish Anderson Cooper would investigate me ... up close and personal

07-26-2006, 11:55 PM
Granted but what does your hubby have to say-as if he really had anything to say

I wish persiphone would send us a copy of her Mensa card so we could show our friends that we actually talk to someone with at least marginal intellectual acuity

07-27-2006, 12:06 AM
Granted -- but I wish I had a hubby to make jealous while i played around with Anderson -- no I don't

I wish every word out of my 20 year old son's mouth didnt start with F

07-27-2006, 12:19 AM
Granted-if you don't pay he may not say-if he is still living with you it would be completely in order to use the F bombs in his presence just to show him you are one of the boys-you never know-he might like it-but then again he might not-in the golden age of yore we young bucks never wanted our mothers to be one of the boys.

We wish persiphone could find a man-if in fact she is searching-strong enough to place a muzzle on the child-while at the same time being a great sounding board for her considerable intellect

07-27-2006, 01:26 AM
Granted. We have dug up Albert Einstein and sent him to her by post.

I wish cheese wasn't so fattening.

07-27-2006, 01:29 AM
Thanks Arrowqueen ... He should be aired out in a month or two ...

Granted - cheese is no longer fattening - However from now on, breathing is.

I wish I had more energy in this heat

07-27-2006, 01:58 AM
Granted, afternoons have been eliminated altogether. Watch out for those folks who missed out on their afternoon tea.

I wish I could find my lighter and quit losing the darn thing in the first place.

07-27-2006, 02:00 AM
Granted -- you have just been granted super powers ... the tips of your fingers are now lighters ... Try not to scratch though ...

I wish I had some clean laundry and someone to fold it for me...

07-27-2006, 02:02 AM
Granted. It's clean, and two handsome men will be over straightaway to fold it for you. Unfortunately it's all underoos.

I wish I could stop peeking at the internet when I'm supposed to be writing!

07-27-2006, 02:07 AM
Granted - calls the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation to come over and teach you how to use more than one window at a time ...

I wish I was in the Ritz in Paris - gazing out the window at the City of Lights with someone handsome, rich and intelligent...

07-27-2006, 02:32 AM
Granted-we are rich and marginally intelligent-one out of two aint bad-ow-my wife just smacked us upside the head and she is a lot stronger than us-there she goes again looking over the old shoulder.

We wish she would kick Berty Russel our Fox Terrier but she refuses because some a$$hole in a truck broke Berty's leg-can you imagine that-all that passion and pity for some highly intelligent-wabbit chasing-children loving-sloppy-goofy mut-ow-she just smacked me again-damnation and tarnation

07-27-2006, 02:49 AM
Granted. She just kicked Bertie. Unfortunately he was sitting in your lap at the time and she 'accidentally' missed and got you in the goolies instead. Oh dear. What a shame.

I wish I'd been there to see it!

07-27-2006, 02:54 AM
Granted but we question whether or not a fair Scottish maid such as yourself would want to really see this poor old Yank get his goolies pinched in any way shape or fashion-tell me it aint so

We wish that arrowqueen could go to a Celtic Ranger match and ruin the dastardly foe which every one she chooses-pass the beer and watch that first footin'

07-27-2006, 02:56 AM
Granted, unfortunately you break a rib from laughing so much - welcome to three weeks of painkillers and disturbed sleep.

I wish it was possible to retro-fit a dishwasher into the house I would really like except that the kitchen's a bit lacking in amenities.

Darnit - the Daves have more fingers to type with than I do and that makes 'em quicker.

07-27-2006, 03:09 AM
Granted but the person retro-fitting your new dishwasher is a 3 foot 500 pound troglodyte with zits who has the hots for you

I wish we did not have so many fingers then Cath might be able to get in a post edgewise-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h-finally again!!!!!!!!

07-27-2006, 06:16 AM
Granted -- trades two of Dave's fingers to a New York City cab driver in exchange for a new set of goolies (Guess which two fingers)

I wish I had about 50 more pairs of shoes - preferably Manolos

07-27-2006, 06:26 AM
Granted. You're now the lead in Centipede in the City.

I wish people would stop referring to any singer - no matter how average - with hair extensions and a boob job as a "diva".

07-27-2006, 06:34 AM
Granted -- from now on we will refer to them as what they are -- a good potential subject for drag queens everywhere ...

I wish I hadnt been talked into going to Olive Garden for dinner ...

07-27-2006, 08:53 AM
I wish I hadnt been talked into going to Olive Garden for dinner...

Granted! For dinner you ate Spam, alone, at home.

I wish I could stop channeling a 17th century writer no one appears to have heard of...

07-27-2006, 08:56 AM
Granted -- from now on you will start channeling for Barbara Cartland

On behalf of women over 40 everywhere, I wish there was a cellulite fairy ...

07-27-2006, 08:59 AM
On behalf of women over 40 everywhere, I wish there was a cellulite fairy...

Granted! But she only gives you more.

I wish I could figure out to be when I grow up...

07-27-2006, 09:02 AM
Granted... his name is Divine.
[ETA: too slow... this was supposed to be a response to persiphone, but luckily, it works for Tre as well]

I wish I'd kept playing the saxophone instead of giving it up.

07-27-2006, 09:10 AM
Granted - however your neighbors do not share the same wish ... they kind of wish for earplugs...

I wish I could master typing on a laptop so I could actually write coherent thougths on it

A. Hamilton
07-27-2006, 09:28 AM
you do! you buy a widescreen and all your typos vanish. however, you become even more addicted to surfing and writing and soon lose touch with the real world.

i wish i could find the job i want but only part time.

07-27-2006, 09:31 AM
Granted -- Huggy Bear needs you on the corner from midnight to five ...

I wish I exercised more

A. Hamilton
07-27-2006, 10:52 AM
granted! new addiction-excercise. you wake up and begin your routine; running, pilates, swimming, golf. kegels and leglifts at work. major case of overkill. soon you will be NOTHING. nice knowing you.

i wish i could write the dreams i have into stories.

07-27-2006, 11:08 AM
Granted -- only now your dreams are about Richard Simmons managing my exercise routine ... Enjoy ...

I wish it didnt give you headaches to wear tiaras ...

07-27-2006, 02:57 PM
POOF! The new trend now demands that you wear a tiara up your butt. Sure, you're fashionable, but, just like everyone else who has followed this trend you're walking funny too.

I wish I'd quit answering these wishes at 6am

07-27-2006, 03:54 PM
Granted, you now get up at 3am specifically to grant wishes. It's an obsession that takes up the rest of your life, which, face it, with only a few hours sleep a night, isn't going to be that much fun.

I wish it wasn't too hot to exercise properly.

07-27-2006, 04:11 PM
Granted - it is now so cold that your gym is buried under a pile of snow.

I wish I didn't have to do a huge stack of filing

07-27-2006, 05:46 PM
Granted, that huge stack of filing is on fire, ergo rendering it much shorter. You better hurry though, those flames are after your WIP and the comp it was saved on as well as any discs you may have backed it up on.

Oops. Too late. Shame too, it was going to be a masterpiece of a bestseller which would have put you on the map for generations, now all you have is a pile of ashes and the rest of your life which you spend trying to remember how your once and former masterpiece was phrased.

I wish my husband would quit buying crap and start buying more stuff that I want.

07-27-2006, 06:01 PM
Granted. He only buys stuff you want, but it is in his size. He looks great in Chanel, by the way.

I wish I could have, and remember, an intellegent thought today.

07-27-2006, 06:28 PM
Granted-knowing you kiddo you will come up not only with something intelligent but outrageous and funny and totally ill

we wish Jay would come up with something intelligent-outrageous-funny and totally ill-then post it as soon as she has so we can enjoy our Martinis and our coffees

07-27-2006, 09:36 PM
Granted. She posts something that's SO intelligent, outrageous, funny and totally ill - while we're all downing Martinis and coffees, that we all spew our Martinis and coffees all over our keyboards, shorting them out - thus causing a massive blackout that spreads throughout the country and kills small rodents.

I wish I had a martini.

07-27-2006, 09:42 PM
Granted. Would that be shaken, or stirred, madam?

I wish I hadn't stolen that ice cream. Well, I will later. ;-)

07-27-2006, 10:17 PM
Granted. You didn't steal it, the ice cream followed you home. Then climbed right up on that couch. It's not your fault!

I wish someone would make lunch for me.

07-27-2006, 10:20 PM
Granted Muse-but you have made that request a number of times-where's Eric the pool boy-or Ramon-or Steven-or whoever the hell you want him to be

We wish that even though Musechen lives in the far north that she would have the financial wherewithall if she so wishes to build a pool and therefore attract the required lunch making pool-person

07-27-2006, 10:41 PM
Granted ... Look out your window, Muse, your new pool has been installed. Of course,it comes with the obligatory pool boy. He cooks, cleans the pool and performs other pool boy duties. He also wears the traditional pool boy uniform, the gold lame speedo. The only thing is, it's late in the pool season and the only pool boy I could find was a 400 pound eunuch. He does have a large palm frond though, to fan you when it gets hot and just in case the seams on that speedo split.

I wish having a PC upstairs and a Mac laptop wasnt freaking the daylights out of me and I could remember which one I was using ...

07-27-2006, 10:57 PM
Granted-the red light is for the Mac and the green one is for that other one-just watch for the blink-it also sends Morse Code-unfortunately the only sentence they can send is .....----..----.....!

I wish that the sun would stop rising on Fresno

07-27-2006, 11:09 PM
Granted - from now on Fresno will be moved farther north and plunged into 6 months of darkness annually ...

I wish I was standing in the 19th c Europen Paintings wing of the Metropolitan Museum right now ... gazing at the self portrait of Vincent Van Gogh instead of sitting here trying to work

07-27-2006, 11:26 PM
Granted so stop playing and start writing-when you get your best seller going you can buy the damn museum

I wish that persiphone would write a best seller in the genre of her choice

07-27-2006, 11:29 PM
I wish I already did -- in fact I wish tomorrow's meeting at 1 pm will bring me one step closer to that goal ...

I wish I could go back in time to 18th century France ...

07-27-2006, 11:33 PM
Granted but don't forget-even though it is the wrong century-they do demand that you bring your own cake batter

We wish we could think more than we speak

07-27-2006, 11:36 PM
Granted ... only that would mean that in accordance with Darwin's theory of evolution, we would now have heads the size of Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloons and mouths the size of the head of a pin ...

I wish I had a unicorn

07-27-2006, 11:40 PM
Granted...Beautiful wonderful sparkling unicorn....megalothic, drippy, foul nasty, stinking, rhino sized turd heaps 6 times a day.

I wish I had time to properly torture a person.

07-27-2006, 11:50 PM
Ah yes - so many masochists, so little time ... Granted - we will turn your living room into a fully equipped Dungeon so you can watch TV and use the Iron Maiden at the same time ...

I wish I was at Mardi Gras

07-27-2006, 11:51 PM
Granted. "Cindy! Come here a sec . . . "

I wish I could remember Hienberg's Principle word for word and how to spell his name.

Granted, you're at Mardi Gras - but that's an awfully strong wind blowing, and it seems damp everywhere.

I still wish I could spell Hiesenburge right. See???

07-27-2006, 11:52 PM
Granted - however from now on you don't remember your own name ...

I wish I was at Mardi Gras

07-28-2006, 12:51 AM
Granted, - but you have so many beads you have fallen off your Mardi Gras float, rolled downhill and sunk without trace in a bayou.

I wish I knew what I was talking about.

07-28-2006, 12:57 AM
granted, but now no one else knows what you're talking about.

I wish I knew what you were talking about.

07-28-2006, 01:32 AM
Granted - you and Arrowqueen now speak a version of ancient urdu mixed with a version of tagalog spoken in only one small village in the Phillipines - deserted for the last 100 years and unknown to anyone else on the planet ...

I wish it was cooler

07-28-2006, 01:43 AM
Granted. It's a 105 degrees in the shade, but how cool do you look in that leather jacket?

I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner.

07-28-2006, 01:45 AM
Granted - nice buns

I wish someone would do my laundry

07-28-2006, 02:42 AM
Granted, but now you have twice as many bathrooms to clean.

I wish I could afford a weeklong Windjammer cruise.

07-28-2006, 02:44 AM
Granted-you and your damned laundry

We wish persiphone a nice day and that psychic lesbians would do her laundry
with only minor strings attached-say in A flat?

07-28-2006, 02:45 AM
Doubling up here-sorry-Granted just watch the flatulence

I wish KTC's slow response to posts was not rubbing off on us.

07-28-2006, 02:47 AM
Granted. But they should have strings in G.

I wish I weren't so addicted to these forums.

07-28-2006, 02:47 AM
Granted -- kills two birds with one stone - sends Anoymisty, ymisty, David and the lesbians on a windjammer cruise

I wish I had a pizza

07-28-2006, 03:12 AM
Granted -- we will get someone to shift it for you ... Evil Nurse Nancy is on her way over ... I'd suggest you not let her get anywhere near your backside though ...

I wish Oprah would adopt me

07-28-2006, 03:26 AM
Granted. Unfortunately right after she adopts you, she realizes you lied about who you are, and exposes you as a fraud on her show. bummer. You're now in a million little pieces.

I wish Starbucks had free wi-fi access.

07-28-2006, 03:33 AM
Granted - Starbucks now has free wi-fi ... However now a double chocolate mocha latte with whipped cream costs 25 dollars ...

I wish someone would send me a dozen roses

07-28-2006, 03:54 AM
Granted - the blossoms have been snipped off. "Signed, Morticia Addams."
(wait a minute... that would actually be quite cool... oh, well -- you get a good wish. sorry!)

I wish I had a surfboard.

07-28-2006, 03:58 AM
Granted -- however the paint they use to give it that cool design smells just like blood - watch out for the sharks gathering ...

I wish I had grocery delivery and didnt have to drag my tail out in the heat for milk and juice

07-28-2006, 03:59 AM
Granted...here's my old ironing board.

I wish I looked like a Victoria's Secret model.

07-28-2006, 04:02 AM
Do'h! Ok grocery delivery granted. You will have gorgeous delivery men to deliver your goods as often as you need them. Unfortunately, your hair will always be matted to your face and you'll have just a little bit of drool falling from the corner of your mouth.

Now - can I be a VS model?

07-28-2006, 04:04 AM
Granted -- you now look like Barbie Jackson - Victoria Secret model circa 1965 she's let herself go just a little bit ... now she models for Lane Bryant

I wish I had George Clooney's phone number

07-28-2006, 04:11 AM
Granted. But he's not THAT George Clooney. He's Jorge Klooney - from Indianola, Iowa and has a pig farm. And he's ready to put you to work.

I wish I could be invisible.

07-28-2006, 04:14 AM
What? Who said that? Come out, come out, wherever you are . . .

I wish I was playing attention to the movie I'm supposedly watching (Capote).

07-28-2006, 04:18 AM
Granted - pay attention or you will end up speaking like Truman for the rest of your life ...

I wish I had a grape popsicle

07-28-2006, 04:42 AM
Granted - it's your last meal before your appointment with the firing squad. Enjoy it.

I wish today hadn't happened yet, but I could remember it and change everything.

07-28-2006, 04:44 AM
Granted - but first you're going to tell us what kind of drugs you were on when you made up that wish ...

I wish they would make a new Indiana Jones movie

07-28-2006, 04:54 AM
Granted. But Harrison Ford wouldn't reprise the role; it's being played by Pauly Shore.

I wish limerick writing were an Olympic sport.

07-28-2006, 05:01 AM
Granted - but do you think you'll pass the drug test??

I wish I had a hammock in my backyard ...

Lady Cat
07-28-2006, 05:04 AM
Granted, but you forgot to wish for trees to suspend it between so it's just laying on the ground.

I wish I had better air conditioning!

07-28-2006, 05:05 AM
Granted but you live in the area of Queens with no electricity for the past week

I wish I was on vacation in the south of France

07-28-2006, 06:08 AM
Done, but better take your winter clothing. There's an unexpected cold snap. Snow shovel, anyone?

I wish that I could speak many languages.

07-28-2006, 06:13 AM
Granted - however they are all archaic languages that no one understands ...

I wish thunderstorms didnt knock out satellite tv

07-28-2006, 05:53 PM
Granted. They knocked out the satellite. It is in your front yard.

I wish I got along better with one of my MC's.

07-28-2006, 06:33 PM
Granted-but we thought that women loved to be oglevied

I wish I did not have this overwhelming desire to create goofy new words

07-28-2006, 06:40 PM
Granted - now you have an obsession to create goofy new words. It's going to lose you a lot of friends.

I wish my friend hadn't just lost her job.

07-28-2006, 06:47 PM
Granted - she has her job back - unfortunately she now also has the manager from hell and a whole lot less pay (hey, gimme back my job! On second thought - she can keep it.)

I wish it was time to finish work

07-28-2006, 06:49 PM
Granted but now she is going to be coming to for a loan

I wish that Cath did not understand so much about obsessions

07-28-2006, 07:25 PM
Granted, I get to live a long and happy life. (oh, come on - you didn't expect me to turn that one nasty did you? Seriously? You're nuts!)

she now also has the manager from hell
That's why she lost the job in the first place.

I wish my car would dry out quicker.

07-28-2006, 07:39 PM
Granted. Your car is now at the Betty Ford Clinic getting over the 'gasahol' thing.

I wish the big fall/winter Vogue issues were already on the stands.

07-28-2006, 08:35 PM
Granted. Well, the next best thing. The new Lane Bryant catalog is out. The Hillary Clinton look is "in" this year!

I wish I could get my complete "to do" list done this weekend.

07-28-2006, 08:38 PM
Granted just stay away from two things-the hammock and the beer

I wish that cheap perfume was banned and that there was a law to make all people shower-or somehow clean themselves up-we have nothing against deo and accept that when having a bath you are bathing in your own dirt-a shower myst follow-orders are orders!!!

07-28-2006, 08:42 PM
Granted - and you have just been appointed the official shower inspector ... start at Roseanne's house ... Administer the sniff test in all the right areas ... if you last, move on to Louie Anderson's house ...

I wish I remembered where I put my makeup case ...

07-28-2006, 08:52 PM
Granted! You just remembered that you put your makeup case on the ledge of the urinal in the sani john at the construction site up the street.

I wish that you do not feel compelled to go back and get it.

07-28-2006, 09:17 PM
Granted-she's going to a meeting instead

I wish that my handicap was not my golf swing

07-28-2006, 09:20 PM
Granted. Now it's your dashing good looks. Your wife is having a devil of a time keeping the other women away!

I wish I was already through my edits and ready to start submitting !

07-28-2006, 09:47 PM
Granted now get to it girl.

We wish you were as well-then we could read some wonderfully humorous stuff.

07-28-2006, 10:38 PM
Granted! MidnightMuse is now a huge success, and has exactly one hour to get to the airport to catch a flight to Los Angeles to start a whirlwind book tour.

I wish all the books I've ordered would come in today.

07-28-2006, 11:53 PM
Granted. Hope you know Braille!

I wish the hair on my legs would stop growing.

07-29-2006, 12:04 AM
Granted - it's now growing on the rest of your body instead. Better bulk buy in those razors.

I wish my arm didn't hurt.

07-29-2006, 12:46 AM
Are you beating something hard with a stick Cath-granted-try accupuncture-if they put enough needles in your nose you wont feel your arm at all and you can do the Pinnochio thing

We wish that I could start my Harley would start and I could brake the law and cruise sans helmet-just like when I was a kid and T-shirt and jeans and the beach were still beckoning and I could wear a T-shirt without exposing my man boobs-yah I know kiddos don't even go there with the Bra thing

07-29-2006, 12:48 AM

07-29-2006, 12:51 AM
Being a valley girl is not enough-you still have to make a wish

We wish all valley girls were lined up outside the farm with man boob bras but that they were forced to wear chastity belts and a muzzle

07-29-2006, 02:54 AM
Granted but isnt that a little hard on poor little valley girls?? Couldnt we just beat them with rubber hoses instead? Or how about we take away their Master Cards and make them all have to shop in the Plus Size dept?

I wish my interview today would bear fruit ...

07-29-2006, 03:09 AM
Granted but don't eat too many radishes before hand

I wish all God's chillun's had shoes

07-29-2006, 03:11 AM
Granted - shoes for everybody -- but arent elephant's God's chillun's too? Who is going to measure them for shoes? Especially the back ones?

I wish every day was Christmas

07-29-2006, 03:16 AM
Granted but you go broke buying milk and cookies for Santa.

I wish that the exact right words would come to me for my novel.

07-29-2006, 03:17 AM
Granted. But they're all in Russian and you can't spell or understand them. So sad.

I wish all men wore kilts.

07-29-2006, 03:18 AM
Granted - here is a thesaurus - all the right words are in there -- you just have to put them in the right order ...

I wish I could play Dolly on Broadway

07-29-2006, 03:35 AM
Granted. Just dye your hair blonde, get a 40DD bra and walk down Broadway singing 9 to 5.

I wish my cat and some little brown bird would stop fighting through the patio door.

07-29-2006, 03:36 AM
Granted. Let little birdie inside so they can entertain you properly :D

I still wish all men wore kilts !

07-29-2006, 03:36 AM
Granted you just have to make sure you can sing dance and that your mouth is large enough and that you have a high gag reflex

I wish Hello Dolly was a musical about two lesbian sheep

We quit again-we are going off in a huff because our thumbs are caught in the keyboard once again-Bah humbug!!!!

Yah Muse they do but they are all wearing see through argyle underwear and we still quit

07-29-2006, 03:57 AM
Granted. Why, I have no idea . . . but if that's your wish.

I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow morning.

07-29-2006, 04:01 AM
Granted - you don't ... can you say U N E M P L O Y M E N T?

I wish bean bag chairs were filled with tapioca pudding ... I have no idea why - I just do

07-29-2006, 04:06 AM
Granted. You and davids need to get together . . .

I wish I wasn't so tempted to tease my sleeping cat. But I am.

07-29-2006, 04:08 AM
Granted - go ahead and tease away ... there is a cure for cat scratch fever isnt there?

I wish somebody would make a vibrating chair that really did what it was intended to

Lady Cat
07-29-2006, 05:04 AM
Granted, but you can only buy one if you're over the age of 21 :e2brows:

I wish Tim Horton's delivered!

07-29-2006, 05:29 AM
Tim Horton's doesnt deliver - but Horton can deliver you a who if that's OK with you ...

I wish Daves would put on a gold lame speedo and send us all pics

07-29-2006, 06:30 AM
Granted. I think you're nuts, but granted.

I wish Persiphone hadn't put that particular image in my mind.

07-29-2006, 06:32 AM
Granted ... image wiped from your mind but Daves is gonna be real disappointed

I wish they would stop making really bad movies out of halfway decent TV shows of the past

07-29-2006, 06:37 AM
Granted, they now make really bad movies out of really bad tv shows from the past.

I wish my car would start.

07-29-2006, 06:39 AM
Granted - unfortunately you arent in it at the time and it drives itself cross country ...

I wish Owen Wilson would fix his nose

07-29-2006, 07:07 AM
Granted, but now it seems he went to the same plastic surgeon as Michael Jackson.

I wish my eyeball would quit acting up so I wouldn't have to call the doctor about it.

07-29-2006, 07:17 AM
Granted - spend the afternoon with nice cool slices of cucumber on your eyes and see if they feel better

I wish 10 stations on satellite TV werent shopping channels, 8 werent Spanish, 3 werent Korean and 2 werent Polish - or at least I wish I didnt have to pay for them ...

07-29-2006, 10:30 AM
Granted-but now you only have 4 channels

I wish I was a professional dancer at the School of Dance in NYC

07-29-2006, 10:32 AM
Granted-but now you only have 4 channels

I wish I was a professional dancer at the School of Dance in NYC

07-29-2006, 10:47 AM
Granted - but I must warn you. Long days in toe shoes are really hard on the feet ... Expect to limp a lot and to require knee and kip replacement before you are 40 ... Also a warning about those guys in tights -- not all that bulge is real -- they stuff socks in there ...

I wish I didnt get sunburned today

07-29-2006, 04:31 PM
Granted - you got burned instead. Welcome to the hospital, we hope your stay is a pleasant one.

I wish I was downstairs watching the F1 qualifying, not up here on the PC.

07-29-2006, 05:33 PM
Poof. That was your PC going up in smoke. Now get down there to the F1.

I wish I hadn't got into the brandy last night.

Lady Cat
07-29-2006, 08:57 PM
Granted, you got into the 80 proof Jamaican rum instead and wake up on the army base at Camp Borden. You signed up!

I wish it wasn't so hot and sticky outside (and inside!)

07-29-2006, 09:00 PM
Granted. Stop having sex out in the yard and in the kitchen.

I wish I knew why the Cat in the Hat was wandering all over the grocery store I just came from. (I'm not kidding.)

07-29-2006, 11:54 PM
Granted -- if you turn on the TV you will find the Cat in the Hat is on America's Most Wanted right now -- those kids should never have opened that door when they were home alone ... They should have listened to the fish ... too late now ...

I wish I could find a frog that would turn into a prince

07-30-2006, 02:11 AM
Granted. I've got several of them for you in my swimming pool. Pucker up.

I wish I was in a better mood today.

07-30-2006, 02:13 AM
Granted. You are now trapped inside a mood ring.

I wish I didn't smell so bad.

07-30-2006, 02:16 AM
Granted- But you bought out a stores whole supply of deoderant and you have to pay for the restockment

I wish I could have visited Times Square longer

07-30-2006, 04:45 AM
Granted -- a local pimp noticed you when you were there and expressed interest -- You start on the corner of Broadway and 42nd tomorrow night at 10. You can stay as long as you want as long as you shake that moneymaker and earn enough for the pimp to make payments on his new cadillac. Make sure you dress appropriately.

I wish someone would play badminton with me.

07-30-2006, 04:52 AM
aww, thats horrible, lol...

Granted-But they will never leave, hahahahahah!

I wish I will get into the college of my choice

07-30-2006, 04:57 AM
Granted -- Say hi to Dean Wormer for us ... TOGA!!

I wish there was a Matrix 4

07-30-2006, 06:44 AM
Granted. But Keanu Reeves acting is so bad you poke your eyes out watching it. (You make some weird wishes Persiphone.)

I wish I could turn my air conditioning on without filling the house with the smell of sewage (seriously!).

07-30-2006, 07:03 AM
Granted - a tornado comes along and moves your house away from Three Mile Island ...

I wish I could win the World Poker Tour

07-31-2006, 12:20 AM
Granted, but you got caught counting cards. Ah well, at least you got to look at the grand prize.

I wish I had MS Word instead of this cheap imitation.

07-31-2006, 12:45 AM
Grandted-but you get a japanese version and can't figure out how to do anything

I wish Summer was longer

07-31-2006, 01:34 AM
Granted. Here's tickets to Austria. You leave the middle of December and don't come back until June.

I wish I had written more today.

07-31-2006, 01:38 AM
Granted. Too bad you used that crazy invisible ink pen.

I wish it were between 75 and 80 degrees today.

07-31-2006, 01:38 AM
Granted - you have written more - unfortunately it's all in Portuguese and you dont speak a word of it

I wish I was more organized

07-31-2006, 01:42 AM
Granted - but that's 70 - 80 celcius == welcome to HELL

I wish I was more organized

07-31-2006, 01:45 AM
Granted. You're going to read Organizing From the Inside Out and put every suggestion to good use.

I wish I wasn't already thinking about work tomorrow (it's going to be a tough Monday and Tuesday, I have a hospital project to get out Wednesday).

07-31-2006, 01:47 AM
Granted. Your mind has been completely erased.

I wish I'd invented Post It Notes.

07-31-2006, 01:54 AM
Granted- But the actual person who invented them stole your idea and ran with it.

I wish I could get in the mood to write something

07-31-2006, 01:57 AM
Granted -- you are suddenly inspired to write a new compliation of dirty limericks

I wish I looked like Heidi Klum

07-31-2006, 01:59 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your body has gone to pot from being pregnant all the time.

I wish I could wiggle my ears.

07-31-2006, 02:01 AM
Granted but now they won't stop

I wish I had a million dollars...Not in change either

07-31-2006, 02:06 AM
Granted. It's all Monopoly money.

I wish I never needed to eat.

07-31-2006, 02:08 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, it's in Zimbabwe dollars . . . which mean you just about have enough for a nice lunch.

I wish I had a new suit.

07-31-2006, 02:11 AM
Granted. Your body aquires nutrition by osmosis. You just walked past MacDonalds and sucked in 500 hamburgers.

I wish I had a better memory.

07-31-2006, 02:12 AM
Bugger. Beat me to it again.

Okay. You have a nice new suit - of armour. It's so heavy you can't move.

Now I wish I had a better memory. Again.

07-31-2006, 02:12 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, as a trade-off, you've lost all bowel control.

I wish I'd invented Depends.

07-31-2006, 02:13 AM
Granted, but you don't have enough power to run it and no backup.

I wish I could stop having kidney stones.

*how the heck did that happen?* too slow.

Granted, you've invented Depends, but the poster above you invented a cure for bladder control issues, so you're broke.

I still wish I could stop having kidney stones.

07-31-2006, 02:15 AM
Granted. Both kidneys will be removed.

I wish the political TV commercials were more amusing. "I keep my promises." Hahaha.

07-31-2006, 02:19 AM
Granted. All the candidates are shown in their birthday suits.

I wish there weren't anymore political TV commercials.

07-31-2006, 02:27 AM
Granted. Now TV is All Politics, All the Time ! Welcome to 24/7 politics, on 1234 channels, completely commercial free.

I wish I could do my first draft edits in my sleep tonight.

07-31-2006, 02:29 AM
Granted - however in the morning you remember nothing ...

I wish someone would grocery shop for me ... I dont wanna go!!!

07-31-2006, 02:34 AM
Granted. Just wear the outfit your avatar is wearing and stop the first guy who passes by. He'll be glad to do it.

I wish someone wearing that outfit would come by my house.

07-31-2006, 02:37 AM
Granted. But you should be warned that it doesn't look so good on Cletus.....

I wish the Speed channel hadn't cut away from the fisticuffs between Paul Tracey and Alex Tagliani.

07-31-2006, 02:40 AM
Granted. But the cameras only cut away when the two started making out (prudes!)

I wish I had the full DVD set of Hee Haw.

07-31-2006, 02:42 AM
Granted -- now yall can sit out on the front lawn in the chevy on blocks and watch by running a really long extention cord from the traler next door ... Hee Haw!!

I wish cable TV didnt have something called The Knife Channel

07-31-2006, 02:46 AM
Granted. Now go to the grocery store. :)

I wish 100 pairs of Manolo Blahniks.

07-31-2006, 02:55 AM
Granted - unfortunately every last one is a size too small and pinches your feet in places you didn't know you had places.

I wish I'd gone to bed earlier

07-31-2006, 03:10 AM
Granted, you went to bed at 9am and you won't wake up again until winter.

I wish the storms tonight are mild and cool the temperature.

07-31-2006, 03:24 AM
Granted. They will also blow your house to New Hampshire. Enjoy the walk home.

I wish I had more watermelon.

07-31-2006, 03:46 AM
Granted. Your house overfloweth!

I wish we had three-day weekends.

07-31-2006, 05:08 AM
Granted -- however in order to compensate for it, you now have to work 20 hours every Tuesday

I wish the grocery store had Terra Blue potato chips

07-31-2006, 05:15 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you have to buy them in 100 lb bags.

I wish I could sing like pre-crack Whitney Houston.

07-31-2006, 05:22 AM
Granted but it means you gotta marry Bobby Brown

I wish Cable TV would show another movie besides The Waterboy

07-31-2006, 05:24 AM
Granted. But of course you realize your only option now - and forever more - is Caligula.

I wish chocolate, sugar and bread were important staples of a healthy weight loss program.

07-31-2006, 05:34 AM
Granted but eating staples really isnt good for you

I wish I had a plasma tv.

07-31-2006, 05:58 AM
Granted. But the girl hooked up to it keeps complaining that she's going to pass out.

I wish I were independently wealthy.

07-31-2006, 06:02 AM
Granted. For the next three seconds you can buy anything you want. Oops, looks like time is up. You should read faster.

I wish I had some grape juice.

07-31-2006, 06:04 AM
Granted-but somehow you spilled it all over every piece of white clothing you own and the stains will not ever come out

I wish I had Gobstoppers, my favorite candy

07-31-2006, 06:12 AM
Granted but now your house is overrun by those annoying little oompa-loompas and they are looking at you really lewdly-- especially that one they keep calling "tripod"

I wish I had a chai tea latte

07-31-2006, 02:35 PM
Granted, and lucky you...it's "chunky" style!

I wish I had another filing cabinet...or three.

07-31-2006, 03:51 PM
Granted. Too bad your dog ate the keys.

I wish it weren't Monday morning.

07-31-2006, 04:09 PM
Granted. You doze off and when you wake up it's Monday afternoon and you've got nothing accomplished.

I wish I could finish the story I'm working on.

07-31-2006, 04:10 PM
Granted - it is now Sunday night and you have to go to work tomorrow. And tomorrow it really will be Monday morning - forever!

I wish there was something really entertaining on TV tonight

07-31-2006, 04:22 PM
Granted, Alley - you finish the story except it's the biggest pile of poo you've ever written.

HJ - granted. They're showing endless re-runs of Pop-Idol - it might be entertaining, but it's so excruciating that you'll wish you'd never wished for it.

I wish people could make one wish at a time round here.

07-31-2006, 07:11 PM
Granted, only it's for more wishes. The hogs.

I wish my office had 4 real walls and a door!

07-31-2006, 07:20 PM
Granted but it is not a cure for agoraphobia

We wish that we were less penurious

07-31-2006, 09:46 PM
Granted - from now on Davids will have plenty of money to spend - thanks to his new job creating crossword puzzles for the New York Times ...

I wish I lived in a house so big that when I went to my library/study = no one would be able to find me

07-31-2006, 10:31 PM
Granted - your house is now so big that you can't find your way around either. Where exactly did you put your library/study again?

I wish I could afford to buy more books

07-31-2006, 10:49 PM
Granted-we will loan you the money but Sally and Vinni will be by later to pick up the payments

We wish that you all had great literary agents

07-31-2006, 10:58 PM
Granted. But when the police find out, we'll all have to let them out of the basement :D

I wish I knew what furniture would look good in my strangely shapped dining room.

07-31-2006, 11:13 PM
Granted. You have an appointment with "Cat in the Hat" Decorators, Inc. Thing's One and Two
will take care of it for you,
I know it will be great
so no Boo hoo hoo hoo's!

I wish you would stop digging up graves.

07-31-2006, 11:52 PM
Granted. My new hobby is filling them in :D

I wish I could play the didgeridoo.

08-01-2006, 12:13 AM
Granted. You can play with mine.


I wish I wasn't going to get slapped again.

08-01-2006, 12:26 AM
Granted, you got punched in the mouth instead. The dentist will see you on Tuesday.

I wish fad diets would disappear off the face of the planet.

08-01-2006, 12:29 AM
Granted however now that Richard Simmons is out of work, he moves in with you

I wish I had remembered to put my bra in the freezer last night

08-01-2006, 12:31 AM
Yeah, me too. Woo hoo. Oh, wait. Granted. It's icy cold now.

I wish I would log off before I get into trouble.

08-01-2006, 12:33 AM
Granted but you will never be able to log on again

I wish my graphics were better when I played The Sims 2

08-01-2006, 12:33 AM
Granted - but wouldnt you rather just get in trouble? Otherwise life is so ... boring ...

I wish someone would run over that Geico Gecko and squash his pathetic butt all over hot asphalt

08-01-2006, 12:34 AM
Granted but for the last time Perciphone that is what you have pool boys for even if you do not have a pool-TO REMIND YOU TO PUT YOUR BRA IN THE FREEZER-at least with a pool boy your bra will be hot enough to need freezing

We wish adnauseam that Persiphone would finally get with the program and get her a damn pool boy or the equivalant diener of choice

08-01-2006, 12:37 AM
I wish someone would explain what David just said in language even I can understand

I wish someone would run over that damn Geico Gecko and splatter his pathetic butt all over hot asphalt

08-01-2006, 12:43 AM
Granted the errors in spelling have been corrected-get yourself a boy toy-or a valley girl servant-come on Perciphone we know you can do it-your brains-your looks-a piece of cake

Granted-two for one-we are buying you a South American Tree Snake which eats Geico Gecko's for lunch-the steam roller is out of commision as Al Gore is using it to alleviate all opponents of global warming

08-01-2006, 12:46 AM
I wish Dave made a wish

08-01-2006, 12:48 AM
Granted-we were just responding to your double up and just forgot-can you forgive us?

I wish that persiphone would forgive us-we cannot afford to lose any more sleep.

08-01-2006, 01:01 AM
Granted - you may sleep as much as you like - but remember to wake up and eat once in a while

I wish someone would accidently destroy the entire compliation of episodes of Home Improvement so we could go back to watching good TV shows like The Honeymooners

08-01-2006, 01:04 AM
Your wish is granted-you do have great taste-they are producing a new series called the Honeymooners go to Mars-starring the frozen bodies of Vince Lombardi and Hermione Gingold

I wish that Public Television would stop airing commercials

08-01-2006, 01:07 AM
Granted - they stop airing commercials and fill in the time with more shows about animal husbandry ... great shots of animals reproducing in slo motion ...

I wish some people would come over here for a good game of Strip Texas Hold'Em tonight ...

08-01-2006, 01:31 AM
Granted but do you think you could handle the pulchritudenous flamboyancy of various types of jelly roles-we cannot afford our persiphone to have the blues you know

We wish that we could enjoy a good game of Strip Texas Hold'em at Persiphone's house or how about Encinada-it aint main lobster but it is still awfully eatable and we have room enough for a rather large party

08-01-2006, 01:33 AM
Granted - come on over - I'll set up the poker table

I wish I could talk to the animals

08-01-2006, 01:55 AM
Granted, but it doesn't appear they like what you're saying. The rhinoceros, specifically, feels insulted.

I wish I was on some deserted tropical island with only my kids and enough writing materials to last me until the end of time.

08-01-2006, 02:37 AM
Granted but the island is really far away and your kids keep saying "Are we there yet" so much that by the time you get there, you have such a bad headache you wish you'd included tylenol in your wish

I wish I had a pedicure

08-01-2006, 03:52 AM
Granted but you have to fly to Saigon to get it

We wish that gay was still a word that meant happy-joyous-and free in spirit-not that there is anything wrong with the other meaning-no not at all!

08-01-2006, 03:54 AM
Granted - you may officially don you now your gay apparel without fear of anyone thinking you are ... one of those ...

I wish my pizza would arrive

08-01-2006, 04:19 AM
Granted -- when you said 'extra cheese', you DID mean head cheese, didn't you?

I wish I'd taken today off work.

08-01-2006, 04:27 AM
Granted how do you want it-the pizza we mean-how about some real Buffalo Mazzarrella-topped with whatever you and the pool person would like-by the way regardless of satisfaction guaranteed-if he does not remember to freeze the bra-get rid of the useless child

We wish the kibbutz that I spent 5 years in as a youth was up north in Garlic country and we could start a second garlic fair and then it could be shelled by irksome-irate garlic haters and we could shell em back into the stone-age for being irksome-irate garlic haters

Poet beat me to it all the way from down under-what a nerve-you can take off today because it is already over-over here

08-01-2006, 05:17 AM
Granted Poet - you get to re run the day and call in sick - but stay away from the Mall - your boss just made the same wish

Granted David - whatever you want - you are TOO scary to argue with

I wish I was in a karaoke bar in Japantown San Francisco singing "Crazy" to some gorgeous, intelligent and slightly kinky guy in black leather ...

08-01-2006, 05:21 AM
Granted-who the hell is being scary now?

We wish leather flying jackets for all genitalia challenged individuals

08-01-2006, 05:23 AM
That wish was granted long ago - remember Tom Cruise in Top Gun? He's very tiny - ask Katie - she had to use an extention to get pregnant.

I wish I had invented that extention...

08-01-2006, 05:30 AM
Granted but whether or not you really want to be disappointed-well that is a question you have to ask yourself

We wish to be in persiphone's Karaoke bar observing-just observing

08-01-2006, 05:40 AM
Thanks -- I think such an extention would be a great idea ... it's nice to be able to touch a girl's heart, but sometimes it's nice to be able to touch her cervix too.

Granted - you are in the Karaoke bar observing - while you work as one of those Benihana guys who juggles knives and burns shrimp

I wish women would look in mirrors before they went out -- and any woman whose thong is higher than the waist of her jeans was put before a firing squad and shot

08-01-2006, 05:46 AM
Granted re: thong thing-We think we love you for that

We wish that fat rear ends should not wear thongs above the waist band-especially if they are going to make a deep knee bend in my vicinity

P.S We have been taught that there are many delightful ways in which to caress a cervix

08-01-2006, 05:47 AM
Granted - and that goes for guys in thongs too

I wish Dr Phil was declared illegal

08-01-2006, 05:52 AM
Granted-perhaps exile would be appropriate-sans moustache and being forced to wear a cheap rug

We wish Dr. Phil was Oprah's illegitimate dumb-waiter

08-01-2006, 05:57 AM
Thanks !! Before Dr Phil makes another guest cry by telling them they're fat, he should check out his own chunky cottage cheese arse in the mirror ...

Granted - Oprah and Dr Phil deserve each other

I wish Star Jones breast implants would freeze on a skiing trip to Aspen rendering her a chocolate fudgesicle

08-01-2006, 06:00 AM
Granted it would be fun to watch them thaw

We wish that we were not runninig out of time persiphone this is far too much fun-you are amazing!!

08-01-2006, 06:05 AM
Granted - time is hereby suspended until further notice

I wish Katie Couric would come home to discover her two underage daughters alone with two Columbian drug dealers, snorting coke and doing the wild thing on her bed.

08-01-2006, 06:16 AM
Granted, but one of the Columbian drug dealers just happens to be your husband.

I wish Condoleeza Rice was human and not reptile...

08-01-2006, 06:18 AM
Granted -- but I don't think it will help much ...

I wish someone would someone would make sure Dick Cheney never came near another bird again.

08-01-2006, 05:49 PM
Granted - but what harm did Dick ever cause a bird?

I wish I had a dime for every bad thing I've ever said about GWB.

08-01-2006, 06:07 PM
Granted. But, of course you realize that puts you intothe 32% tax bracket and since you had nothing withheld from it...I mean not even FICA, well the IRS is looking for you. Oh Did I mention that the Alternative Minimum Tax gets triggered at this income level, also????

I do so wish you would stop spreading peanut butter on the fresh corpses.

08-01-2006, 06:30 PM
Granted. I shall use honey instead.

I wish that my coffee cup would fill itself up perfectly right now while I sit here and type.

08-01-2006, 08:53 PM
Granted. It's now full to brimming with warm, 3-day old yaks milk.

I wish the people I work with would all leave me alone to write today!

08-01-2006, 09:03 PM
Granted - you've just been sacked. Now you have no work mates to annoy you.

I wish I didn't keep getting bitten by insects.

08-01-2006, 09:28 PM
Granted. I'll send you a case of Skunk Oil. It's guaranteed to keep the insects away. And everything else.

I wish someone would volunteer to wash my car. (Extra points if they happen to be the Vanderbilt cheerleaders . . . )

08-01-2006, 10:47 PM
Granted - we'll send over the cheerleaders - led by Will Ferrell ... Gimme an F!!

I wish there was no such thing as dust

08-01-2006, 11:30 PM
Granted. Now instead of powdered filth coating everything in your house, you have the big chunky kind.

I wish I didn't have to drink so much water all day long in order to prevent more kidney stones.

08-01-2006, 11:34 PM
Granted. Beer will work just as well and after a while you won't care anyway.

I wish I had a maid. And a butler. That would be nice . . . "Jeeves, get the door! It's probably those Watchtower folks again."

08-01-2006, 11:44 PM
Granted. You have a castle, too. Your maid is a beautiful 24yr old blonde with natural assets who is a member of 'Satan's International Damnation Tabernacle' and she's just biding her time until Dec 25th when she can kill you and claim the most demonic points. The Butler is a gross pustulent hunchback who doesn't care what he copulates with, and he's biding his time until December 25th when he can get both you AND the maid.

Oh yes, the causeway to the mainland is down, and the other servants ran off with the boats.

I wish you would stop bathing in plum jelly.

08-01-2006, 11:59 PM
Granted. Now you're bathing in plum jelly.

I wish all the mozzies in the world could be wiped out by a mozzie killing plague.

08-02-2006, 12:07 AM
Granted. But first the plagues have to stop and look up Mozzies in the dictionary of slang. Then they'll get right on that.

I wish I could bathe in plum jelly.

08-02-2006, 01:04 AM
Granted but perhaps I should include some peanut butter and someone to lick it off when you're done.

I wish my glasses didnt fog up when I get out of my air conditioned car and out in this oppressive 99 degree HEAT

08-02-2006, 01:06 AM
Granted. Now they're in perpetual fog mode, and it gets thicker and turns to frost whenever you flip on the TV to that free porn channel your cable doesn't know you're getting.

I wish it was Fall and I could go shopping for lovely sweaters and pretty jackets.

08-02-2006, 01:18 AM
Granted - it's fall and you can go shopping. As soon as you finish raking all the leaves from the 50 hundred year old maple trees on your property and bagging them.

I wish I could adopt a baby girl from China

08-02-2006, 01:31 AM
Granted and for you loving adoption you receive the nice mommy award

We wish that we would remember more often about the way things were

08-02-2006, 01:33 AM
LOL More like the Mommy Dearest Award -- A Wire Hanger

Granted - you can remember the way things were - back when you were Amish and living in a barn with no electricity and driving a buggy to town really slow to annoy tourists .

I wish someone would make Oprah Winfrey scrub floors in a women's prison.

08-02-2006, 04:06 AM
Granted and you can be the large-fat-double breasted lesbian kicking the pail of soapy-dirty water onto the floor she has just cleaned

We wish we could video this scene and sell it on E-bay

08-02-2006, 04:09 AM
Granted. Sold for one Penny!

I wish I knew what a double-breasted lesbian looked like.

08-02-2006, 04:25 AM
Granted but you will have to go to your local Wallmart-just look for the greeter wearing the double-breasted shark skin suite-and if you find her take a picture and hang it over your bed just to remind you of what a double-breasted lesbian really looks like-not that there is anything wrong with that

Speaking of not that there is anything wrong with that we wish Seinfeld was still on and we could reminsce about what real New Yorkers are all about

08-02-2006, 04:28 AM
Granted - re runs are on 12 times a day at least

I wish it wasnt illegal for my dogs to attack Jehovah's Witnesses

08-02-2006, 04:28 AM
Granted, your cable company carries repeats. Sadly, ONLY repeats. 24/7 !

I wish it was Friday and my edits were all done.

*oh fudge ripple, typed too slow*

Granted. It's perfectly legal for them to carry semi automatic weapons, though. Sick'em, Fido !!!

I still wish it was Friday and my edits were done.