View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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11-14-2012, 03:19 PM
Granted. It's written overnight and it's a best-seller! Who said writing fanfic loosely based on Fifty Shades of Grey wouldn't sell... You get shunned by the AW, but horny readers blurves you. Ah, the deterioration of society. *weeps*

I wish I understood every language in existence.

11-14-2012, 03:38 PM
Granted. You now speak six thousand something languages. Upon meeting new people you go like, "Hello, do you speak English? Oh, okay, er, sprechen sie deutsch? Nein, ¿Habla usted español? Un momento, tsik hiki ta Tamazight? Wait ...merde!"

I wish no one will ever get to know what I have with my breakfast cereal.

11-14-2012, 08:48 PM
Granted. The snails aren't talking, either.

I wish I had an electric car.

11-15-2012, 04:06 AM
Granted. And it zaps you everytime you come within four feet of it.

I wish this new job offer works out.

11-15-2012, 01:48 PM
Granted. It works out extremely well. You earn peanuts while your employer is laughing his way to the bank.

I wish my new plants won't wither.

11-15-2012, 04:13 PM
Granted. Genie turns them into super plants (think Little Shop of Horrors multiplied by ten). The words "Feed me" should scare you from now on. Good luck, Seymour.

I wish I could get footage of Robbert/Seymour and his super plants, so I could post it on youtube and finally get a hit.

11-16-2012, 03:05 AM
Granted. The footage of Robbert being eaten by a giant plant is all the rage! Youtube contacts you to do a series of them! They fly you to Robbert's city and you take possession of the ravenous plant. The words "Feed me" should scare you from now on. Good luck, Seymour.

I wish this head cold would go away.

11-16-2012, 04:49 AM
Granted: With a wave of the Genie's hand your head clears up. Unfortunately, the Genie's hand was moving downward; you now have bronchitis.

I wish I could get a new computer.

11-16-2012, 07:08 AM
Granted. You get (your hands on) a new computer, but the store detective nabs you as soon as you try to carry it out to the street.

I wish I had a greenhouse.

11-16-2012, 07:16 AM
Granted. The painters have finished and now you have a green house. Oh...hmm, well add 80% more windows and you'll have the other thing too.

I wish world leaders started and ended their press conferences with the hokey pokey.

11-16-2012, 07:47 AM
Granted. And it's a big hit in the beginning, people thinking it's a joke. But then more and more people start doing it, it's more addictive than crack, because 'that's what it's all about'. You monster, what have you done to us??!

I wish farming was a viable vocation in the United States.

11-16-2012, 08:07 AM
Granted. Now that marijuana is legal in Colorado and Washington, you can start growing pot in both those states, and your farms will be very viable.

I wish politicians could be fined for lying, with the proceeds going toward paying down the national debt.

11-16-2012, 08:16 AM
Absolutely Granted! Um, yeah, nothing to add. Ok... you get a paper cut from the printout of this post and bleed all over your new rug attracting flesh eating parasites that infest your body and eat you from the inside out. Being Genie is hard...

I wish flesh eating parasites would infest every lying politician's body.

11-16-2012, 08:39 AM
Partially granted. Even Genie can't produce the volume of parasites that would be required to infest every lying politician's body at once, so the best he can do is start with the ones that lie about not raising taxes.

I wish my alter ego would quit running up bills in my name.

11-16-2012, 02:46 PM
Granted. Go somewhere where you feel at ease with yourself. Make sure no one watches you. And now just finish the bugger off.

I wish I could afford a lawyer who would make me own all ™ © ® for the wording peanut butter.

11-16-2012, 03:50 PM
Granted. You find a lawyer who enables you to own all ™ © ® for the wording peanut butter. Soon afterward, scientists discover that peanut butter causes a disease called enteromyeloprefrontallobecardiopeanutiosis, and all peanut butter is taken off the shelves, permanently.

I wish I could invent a color that would bear my name--Nymtoc Blue, for instance.

11-16-2012, 10:54 PM
Granted. You invented the most vibrant blue there ever was. To call it Nymtoc-Blue truly reflects what you deserve ...if only you could afford a patent agent.

I wish I were in charge of managing the lottery.

11-17-2012, 03:15 AM
Granted. The person who was ousted in favor of you set an elaborate plan in motion before being removed. When the dust settles, it seems you tried to rig the lottery for family members and are sent to prison for a laundry list of crimes.

I wish everyone I meet for the rest of my life would give me a dollar.

11-17-2012, 01:43 PM
Granted. From now on, every person you meet hands you a dollar. Since you're a popular guy with a finger in every pie, you'll make a fortune. Together with your grandma you found a NGO to look after an ever-growing fund. Eventually, your granny hits the road and redistributes all $$$'s to the needy. :hooray:

I wish the assistant director and her husband will be pleased with tonight's dinner--wildebeest in cranberry sauce.

11-17-2012, 09:26 PM
Granted. The meal is a complete success. Unfortunately, after several after-dinner drinks you begin telling them what you really think of them. The assistant director's husband beats you unconscious with leg of wildebeest before leaving.

I wish I was an origami champion.

11-20-2012, 02:41 PM
Granted. Because this wish is so complicated, Genie must grant it in steps (much like origami itself). You're now an origami... druid. As for the champion part, Genie's set it up so you can compete in the annual international rock-paper-scissors champions league. Be careful of those scissors. Godspeed, little paper man.

I wish I had the skill to jump out of a cake.

11-20-2012, 03:19 PM
Granted. You not only have the skill to jump out of a cake, you decide to do it nude. "Won't they be surprised!" you think. As you jump out, you realize that the cake is for the 65th birthday of your boss, the archbishop.

I wish I were better at filling plot holes.

11-21-2012, 03:26 AM
Granted. The words tumble from you in such a stream of consciousness that your fingers can barely keep up. The plot holes are filled, not with anything resembling coherence mind you, but they are filled.

I wish I had the ability to light up a room with my very presence.

Lady MacBeth
11-21-2012, 07:38 AM
Granted, but you radiate heat at the same time so everyone leaves.

I wish I was ambidextrous.

11-21-2012, 07:47 AM
Granted. You can now fumble with both hands. :)

I wish geese flew in a rectangular formation.

11-21-2012, 12:25 PM
Granted. But the rectangular shape makes them look like an armed UFO, and they are shot down by defense forces throughout the world. Geese become extinct, and everyone blames you.

I wish the monster that lives under my bed would go away.

11-22-2012, 02:45 AM
Granted: Actually the monster fled overnight. It found the ghost of your Thanksgiving turkey, which recently took up residence there, to be too noisy and aggressive.

I wish people would wait until after Thanksgiving to put up their Christmas decorations.

11-22-2012, 03:02 AM
Granted. Now they leave them up year round just to annoy you.

I wish there was a special 'pass' that you could earn through doing good deeds that would allow you to go to the front of any line.

Lady MacBeth
11-22-2012, 04:49 AM
Granted. But the line is for the firing squad. Bang!

I wish people wouldn't whistle while grocery shopping.

11-22-2012, 05:03 AM
Sooooo granted! Yeah Genie hates that too. Genie has blocked the portion of the brain that allows people to cope with menial tasks. Um, why is everyone angry? Good lord, that woman just bludgeoned an old man with a ham! It's chaos! These people are killing each other! It's like Black Friday in here! Oooh, the humanity.

I wish people would stop picking on Justin Beiber ;)

11-22-2012, 03:15 PM
Denied. The kid's asking for it.

I wish I could travel to other universes.

11-22-2012, 03:47 PM
Granted. You're on your way. BTW, you can't come back.

I wish I could startle the scientific world by producing a donkey with the brain of an Einstein.

11-22-2012, 10:40 PM
Granted, though puzzled. Why would you want a donkey with the brain of Howard Einstein, the plumber? It can't even use the tools...

I wish common sense was really common.

11-22-2012, 11:30 PM
Your wish doesn't need to be granted. Common sense is already very common, and look at the mess it's gotten the world into. What's important is uncommon sense, and you don't have any.

I wish there were no sports scandals.

11-22-2012, 11:40 PM
Denied. The physics of that request are impossible.

I wish my back wasn't sore.

11-23-2012, 02:09 AM
Granted. The Genie has arranged to have all your vertebrae removed. No vertebrae = no sore back.

I wish everyone could live in peace.

11-23-2012, 03:24 AM
Granted. Peace flows over the peoples and lands like a drug. Actually it is a drug. Sorry, that was the only way to grant your wish. The human race is of course doomed now, as nothing will ever get done. Oooh, I hear crickets...

I wish we had the option of going to another planet/world.

11-23-2012, 04:07 AM
Granted. But we can't all go there at once. A scout has to be sent in advance, and you're it. The trip is estimated to last 750,000 years. Happy landings!

I wish I had GPS installed in my brain.

11-23-2012, 04:17 AM
Granted. You are the first recipient of a fully inclusive GPS! On your way to the restaurant to celebrate, your GPS takes you down a road that hasn't been active for five years and ends with a swamp. Your head hits the steering wheel, disabling the unit. You are found twenty years later by a kid throwing rocks into the swamp.

I wish there was a real Genie.

11-23-2012, 04:36 AM
Granted. Here is my portrait.


I wish I could travel anywhere I want without the need for a vehicle.

11-23-2012, 04:51 AM
Granted. Genie gives you the ability to astrally project. There are rules to this so don't try zipping off to another galaxy, hey, NO!...oh crap.

Why are there rules for everything?

Lady MacBeth
11-23-2012, 07:45 AM
Druid12000, what is your wish?

Drachen Jager
11-23-2012, 08:03 AM
I wish Druid could remember what thread he was posting in.

11-23-2012, 09:00 AM
Wish denied! The Genie has sent Druid12000 back to the Ice Age, where he can do whatever druids used to do (perform human sacrifice, according to some accounts) and won't bother us anymore.

I wish I had a pen that would never run out of ink.

11-23-2012, 02:25 PM
Granted. The pen is also sentient and soon realises its intelligence surpasses yours. Every story you write, the pen rebels, coz it knows better. You end up fighting, Star Wars style, to determine once and for all if the pen is mightier than the Nymtoc.

I wish I could film the Nymtoc-pen battle and sell the footage to a major studio, so that it can become the new Star Wars.

11-23-2012, 03:12 PM
Granted. But the major film studio says Nymtoc isn't photogenic and the pen can't duel, so they rewrite the whole thing and produce a mega-success called Ink Wars--the Return of Pen Solo. They pay you $25 for your idea.

I wish I had a had a one-horse open sleigh.

11-24-2012, 01:31 AM
Granted: When you get home today you will find the horse and sleigh in your living room. You immediately wonder how the Genie managed to do it, since the sleigh won't fit through the door, and the horse won't fit in the stairwell.

I wish I had more turkey and stuffing left over from yesterday.

Lady MacBeth
11-24-2012, 08:25 AM
Granted. Everyone in your city dumps their leftovers on your doorstep.

I wish television commercials wouldn't rewrite the words to Christmas songs.

11-24-2012, 08:35 AM
Granted. Now they just write their own, which become wildly popular and slowly ease out the traditional songs.

(I will make a wish, I will make a wish, I will make a wish....)

I wish I had a real, honest to goodness jetpack that worked.

11-24-2012, 02:51 PM
Granted. You now own a jetpack surpassing your wildest dreams! Ready? Buckle up, press ignition--gone. For good.

I wish there were prepaid cards for boosting a person's low self-esteem.

11-24-2012, 04:12 PM
Granted. They are known as fortune cookies.

I wish I had as many servants as there are in Buckingham Palace.

Lady MacBeth
11-24-2012, 05:56 PM
Granted. Your one-room house becomes very crowded. You are forced to pop a tent in the backyard.

I wish I had super ears so that I could eavesdrop on politicians' conversations.

11-24-2012, 11:31 PM
Granted. But what you hear is so appalling that you have a nervous breakdown and must spend several months in a rest home.

I wish every piece of equipment I own would work perfectly at all times.

11-25-2012, 12:19 AM
Granted. Every piece of equipment you own now works perfectly at all times. Day and night they're working, some make beeping sounds, some grind, others blare. Your new security system works perfectly as well, as you programmed it to not only keep threats out, but you in if there are any perceived threats. It sees everything as a threat to you and barricades you inside. It's impossible for you to get any sleep with all the perfectly running equipment and you slowly go insane from sleep deprivation.

I wish Atlantis would surface and bring us amazing knowledge of our human beginnings.

Lady MacBeth
11-25-2012, 05:16 AM
Granted. Atlantis surfaces, but is much larger than expected. It is also run by aliens that awake from hibernation hungry for human flesh.

I wish I had Dorothy's ruby slippers.

11-25-2012, 05:26 AM
Granted. And not just the ones from the movie, these suckers actually work. You click your heels together and...Wow, you're still here. Welcome home :)

I wish I could make reality bend to my will.

11-25-2012, 10:04 AM
Granted: Your lawyer sent your last will and testament to you in an 9x12 envelope, and you promptly bent it as you folded it to fit in your pocket.

I wish I had a better imagination.

11-25-2012, 10:37 AM
Granted. Your newfound imagination gives you a brilliant idea for a poem which opens the minds of all humanity to live in harmony. Unfortunately, human minds can only take a limited amount of peace and the eruption after the first bickering starts is the beginning of WW111.

I wish dreams could come true.

11-25-2012, 10:46 AM
Granted. You dream of the Apocalpyse.

I wish I had a really good cell phone with no monthly fees.

11-25-2012, 11:44 AM
Granted. The phone costs $534, but there are no monthly charges ever! Um, the next generation phone is coming out in month, do you want to upgrade? It's just a small fee if you sign this itsy bitsy contract...

I wish Mars would just finally give up it's secrets.

11-25-2012, 01:50 PM
Granted. Genie lets you in on a secret: Around the turn of the next century, Mars will be declared uninhabitable.

I wish billionaires who have been convicted of tax evasion were burnt at the stake.

11-25-2012, 06:49 PM
Granted. You are designated the burner-in-chief, and though you carry out your work well, you are loathed and shunned by everyone who comes in contact with you. Nobody likes an executioner! :evil

I wish Santa Claus would bring me a really cool electric train set.

11-25-2012, 08:18 PM
Granted. After a bit of debating (age concerns!) Genie managed to twist Santa's arm. The set comes with a loop, its track is infinite so as to make you go round and round the indefinite loop makes you go round and round the track with its round

I wish my neighbour keeps his promise: A box of Cuban cigars and a few bottles of original rum in exchange for keeping an eye on his property.

Lady MacBeth
11-26-2012, 12:46 AM
Granted. But the gift is not worth the price of your eye and the next thing he asks for is a leg.

I wish my neighbours would stop arguing in their backyard.

11-26-2012, 01:04 AM
Granted. Turns out all their arguments were about you. They're now in complete agreement--you have to go so they can be happy. They've set up loudspeakers facing your house and are broadcasting all the reasons you should leave at a volume that makes the dishes in your cupboards rattle.

I wish my face was on Mount Rushmore, only a little bigger than the others.

11-26-2012, 03:10 AM
Granted. Through miracles of modern plastic surgery, you now look just like Abraham Lincoln. And I've added some whiskers to the monument so your likeness is slightly larger than the rest.

I wish total strangers would stop hitting me.

11-26-2012, 05:21 AM
Granted: Now only people you know hit you, total strangers henceforth are compelled to kick you.

I wish I knew what to get people for Christmas.

11-26-2012, 07:21 AM
Granted. You now know the perfect gift for everyone on your gift list. Unfortunately, not a single one of the items is available anywhere.

I wish the string on my mittens hadn't broken.

11-26-2012, 07:36 AM
Granted. The string is intact, but the moths got to your mittens, which are now holier than Swiss cheese.

I wish I could think of something witty to write.

11-26-2012, 03:03 PM
Granted. Your hand will start moving of its own volition in a moment to write the phrase "something witty" a hundred times.

I wish I could live inside a tree.

11-26-2012, 03:47 PM
Almost granted. Genie reckons the best way to prepare yourself is to do one step at a time. Firstly, learn to climb a tree. Secondly, learn not to fall out of it. Thirdly, learn to climb different trees. Once you've reached this far, you will need to PM Genie for further instructions.

I wish nicotine were less harmful.

11-26-2012, 04:31 PM
Granted. Nicotine is .0000000% less harmful than it used to be. Enjoy your coughing fits.

I wish people didn't make assumptions about me, which most of the time are not true. ;)

11-26-2012, 05:21 PM
Granted. In order to stop people from making false assumptions about you, do not comment on any rumours. Instead, learn to make the element of surprise work in your favour. Genie reckons posting the first 1.500 words in SYW about your itty-bitty kitty is an excellent starting point.

I wish my in-laws will be happy to crash on the floor.

11-28-2012, 06:59 AM
Granted. They crash everything you own on the floor.
I wish I had a cask of Amontillado.

11-28-2012, 10:42 AM
Granted. But when the cops find the cask in a walled-up recess in your cellar, they find the skeleton of a man beside it. DNA shows it to be that of your enemy from years ago. You are convicted of first-degree murder.

I wish all pettiness would vanish from Washington politics.

11-28-2012, 02:58 PM
Wish pending. Genie must first witness the petty behviour.
Should be entertainining :popcorn:

I wish I had red ruby slippers to go with my hot pink hair.

11-28-2012, 04:26 PM
Granted on the condition that Genie is provided with evidence of a successful pink hair dye.

I wish I had a sense of belonging.

11-28-2012, 09:36 PM
Granted: The Genie arranges for you to be arrested, tried, and convicted of a crime. You are sentenced to two years, during which time you will "belong" to your cellmate.

I wish I could win tonight's $500 million Powerball lottery.

11-29-2012, 07:44 AM
Granted. You have the same chance to win everybody else does so you indeed could win it.
I wish the winner of the lottery would go halves with me.

11-29-2012, 02:54 PM
Granted. The winner of the lottery realises your secret envy of his win and will be visiting you tonight to saw you in half.

I wish I could leap over mountains.

11-29-2012, 03:40 PM
I wish I could leap over mountains.


This is no longer possible since the ASPCA has removed 451 of the cats who made the mountains a hazmat team has just removed from your house. Further action is pending.

I wish I had a cherry red tart.

11-29-2012, 10:17 PM
Granted. She is going to charge extra for being painted cherry red, though.

I wish this cough would finally go away.

11-30-2012, 02:37 PM
Granted. The ASPCA has discovered 450 furballs, presumed to be the remains of 450 cats, in and around your house. A hazmat team has just removed these from your residence, but because no one's actually witnessed you coughing up these furballs, everyone eagerly waits for you to cough up the last one. Further action is pending.

I wish I could sew a leaf dress.

11-30-2012, 09:30 PM
Granted. And your new dress of flowing ivy is magnificent. Incidently, you didn't use the ivy from the backyard, did you? Oh, no.

I wish I could have a mean streak a mile wide, just for a day.

12-01-2012, 12:11 AM
You will get a brown colored streak a mile wide for one day but since the mean is a mile wide, you'll get a lot more of different widths every day for the rest of your life.

I wish the next book I write gets published and becomes succesful enough that I can live off the money it makes for the rest of my life but not so succesful that I don't have a life anymore.

12-02-2012, 05:00 PM
Granted. You can live comfortably off your royalties. However, since you no longer need to make much of an effort, your writing becomes as complacent as you are.

I wish the people of Queerland will crown me king.

12-03-2012, 07:38 AM
Granted. The ceremony is held on the beach and all 12 of the inhabitants attend in various and sundry festive garb. An off shore volcano triggers a tsunami which would normally do nothing to affect your tiny oasis, if you were on higher ground. You and your followers are swept out to sea and presumed dead after a week long search.

I wish there was a place where everyone knew my name.

12-03-2012, 09:56 AM
Granted. You're a celebrity superstar and everyone knows your name everywhere.

I wish I had a llama.

12-03-2012, 10:27 AM


The Genie has trouble with spelling. Sorry!

I wish I could finish my manuscript by tomorrow.

12-03-2012, 03:16 PM
Granted. Too bad the thing will never sell...

I wish I could communicate with ants.

12-03-2012, 06:51 PM
Granted. They come over to your house and talk constantly about what your uncles think about your shocking lifestyle.
(As mentioned above, the Genie has trouble with spelling. :D)

I wish I could fly on any plane for free.

12-04-2012, 04:22 AM
Granted. You stroll on board your first free flight, wave to your pal a few seats back and shout 'Hi Jack'. The Air Marshall and passengers pummel you mercilessly before you are hauled off and banned from air flight for life.

I wish Heather Locklear was my girlfriend.

12-05-2012, 05:22 AM
Granted. Heather Locklear of Buckdance Ky is now your girlfriend. Your gift list quadruples.

I wish I knew how Santa manages Christmas logistics.

12-05-2012, 06:21 AM
Granted. Santa invented the internet to keep up with the growing population and demands on his time. He slips into the ethernet on Christmas Eve and is able to make his rounds in seconds. The rest of the year he checks to make sure that good girls and boys are being truly good. He's watching you right now... Good lord, put some pants on! My eyes, my Genie eyes! The horror...

I wish there was a way to completely eradicate certain memories.

12-05-2012, 06:39 AM
Granted. Another concussion should do it.

I wish products double- and triple-sealed "for your protection" were easier to open.

12-05-2012, 06:55 AM
Denied. Genie likes to watch you squirm. It really is fun. :popcorn:

I wish I was the King of Comedy.

12-05-2012, 10:01 AM
Granted. You are the King of Comedy at the Bent Nail Saloon in Dry Gap, Texas, population 7.

I wish I had an alter ego who could go out and have fun while I stay home and work.

12-05-2012, 02:31 PM
Granted. Genie hopes you and your serial killer alter ego work out. Who knew some people killed for fun...

I wish I could sample roasted chestnuts, as I've not done so before.

12-05-2012, 04:07 PM
Granted. You come all the way to sample Genie's roasted chestnuts only to find out that you don't like them. Your wish to pay the airfare back home is denied. You're stuck. Genie is delighted.

I wish all despots will come to their senses.

12-06-2012, 03:36 AM
Granted. All despots have realized the error of their ways and begin a reign of charity and humanitarian and civil rights movements. Five minutes later a new crop of despots rise up and kill the reformed ones. Sorry, some vicious circles even Genie can't break.

I wish ^ wasn't true.

12-06-2012, 03:27 PM
Denied. Genie's entertained :popcorn:

I wish I knew how to make Feta cheese.

12-07-2012, 02:48 AM
Granted. Your feta cheese becomes very popular too. The Feta family, who have been making their signature cheese for generations, are, let's say, perturbed. That knock on your door is probably Vito. He likes to break things...on people.

I wish Christmas shopping wasn't such a chore.

Lady MacBeth
12-07-2012, 07:02 AM
Granted. Christmas shopping is no longer a chore, it is a career choice. People from all over send you lists and it's your job to purchase, gift wrap and deliver everything. Hello Santa!

I wish black squirrels would stop stealing my Christmas lights.

12-07-2012, 07:33 AM
Granted. The red squirrels have taken over the job. And they have taken some of your electrical cords and set up a really nice scene in the woods. You should be pissed, but they are talented.

I wish I hadn't watched that 2012 prediction film.

12-07-2012, 02:40 PM
Granted. You hadn't. It's just one of those things you thought you did, but you actually didn't.

I wish I had a room made of cheese.

12-07-2012, 05:13 PM
Granted with a word of warning: Your wish is extremely popular amongst rodents.

I wish I could sail across troubled waters.

12-07-2012, 06:30 PM
Granted. But you must do it in a tub with a paper sail. It's no fun otherwise.

I wish the moon were not receding from the earth.*

*It does so at a rate of about 3.8 cm per year.

12-07-2012, 10:35 PM
Granted: Assuming that sea levels rise by the same amount, Genie reckons you simply have to relocate.

I wish I had a clue what is going on in President Morsi's mind.

12-07-2012, 11:17 PM
Denied. Such knowledge would surely make your head explode and Genie is all about his peeps.

I wish I had the fountain of youth in my backyard.

12-08-2012, 01:52 AM
Granted. But the fountain only works if you know the magic words. And you don't. (And don't bother wishing for them).

I wish I had a pair of seven-league boots.

12-08-2012, 02:09 AM
Granted, sort of. The only pair Genie could find in your size (and btw what's up with those planks you call feet?) were mismatched. One goes seven leagues, the other goes six. So, if you shuffle on the right a bit your left will catch up. Could be an interesting learning curve.

I wish everyone will be happy.

Lady MacBeth
12-08-2012, 06:42 AM
Denied. Too many definitions of what makes people happy. Think serial killer.

I wish I had a mug of hot chocolate right now.

12-08-2012, 08:49 AM
Granted. It is at the Bakiyev Café in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan, ready for pickup.

I wish I had an obelisk.

12-08-2012, 04:33 PM
Granted. You have an obelisk in your backyard. Because of its sloppy foundation it topples over in the next storm and ruins your neighbour's fence. The local council won't let you erect the obelisk a second time.

I wish everyone had enough to eat.

Lady MacBeth
12-08-2012, 09:13 PM
Good wish. Genie wishes that too, but Twinkies are not going to be around much longer.

I wish people wouldn't get so stressed this time of year.

12-08-2012, 11:08 PM
Denied. Less stress = less work for pyschiatrists. Along with department stores, they make 60% of their annual income in December. Would you want to be responsible for their inability to send their kids to Harvard?

I wish I had the Midas touch when it came to picking stocks only.

12-09-2012, 12:22 PM
Granted. You have the touch of Zeke Midas, who lost a fortune in the stock market last year.

I wish I were better at plotting.

12-09-2012, 05:25 PM
Granted. Genie's most basic advice would be:

1. safely dispose of the murder weapon

2. don't let the DNA analysis do you in, so please wear a set of new clothes, also gloves and a hat

3. preferably, keep your hair cropped short

I wish I knew what your bank manager knows.

12-10-2012, 01:03 AM
Granted: You now know that he was embezzling bank funds, and the account names and numbers he used to stash the money. You use the information to siphon a little of it off for yourself. Unfortunately, you chose to do it on the morning of the day the FBI investigation into his crimes was completed and arrest warrants were sworn out for the both of you.

I wish there was a quick, safe, legal way to get a lot of money that didn't require any effort.

12-10-2012, 02:45 AM
Granted. A rich relative left you a fortune. Two days later, you were kidnapped and are now being held for a ransome equivalent to all you have. Hopefully, your lawyers will pay up quickly--the kidnappers are talking about returning you piece by piece.

I wish I was the star of a Broadway musical.

12-10-2012, 04:07 AM
Granted. You star in a revival of Got Tu Go Disco, which ran for 9 previews and 8 performances in 1979 and is considered one of Broadway's greatest stink bombs of all time.

I wish I could write a great Broadway musical.

12-10-2012, 08:16 AM
Granted: The Genie scratches his head and says, "You just typed, 'A great Broadway musical,' you could just as easily write the words free hand, and not waste a wish."

I wish wishes came in pairs.

12-10-2012, 09:33 AM
Granted AND Denied!
Your first wish is granted, and your second wish negates it!

I wish I'd thought of a more clever answer.

12-10-2012, 02:30 PM
Granted and denied. Genie's stuck with you in the paradox of the previous wish. You're transported back in time to say something clever, but your subliminal second wish negates it.

I wish I didn't feel so confused by what just transpired.

12-10-2012, 09:42 PM
Granted and Denied: For reasons specified in the above posts.

I wish I hadn't wished for wishes to come in pairs.

12-11-2012, 02:44 AM
Granted and Granted because Genie can't handle any more contrary wishes. His head is spinning and he feels like he might throw up, which is not a pleasant thought when you're crammed into a small silver oil lamp the size of a gravy boat.

I wish I had x-ray vision.

Lady MacBeth
12-11-2012, 06:29 AM
Granted. The human race appears as skeletons from this moment forward. It ain't pretty, but don't say Genie didn't warn you.

I wish I had four extra hours added to my day.

12-11-2012, 10:26 AM
Granted. Your boss has found four more hours of work for you each day as well.

I wish Hollywood would stop rehashing old storylines and start making original movies.

12-11-2012, 12:00 PM
Granted. Hollywood starts making movies about writers who can't think of anything to write about, so they waste their time making countless, pointless posts on the Internet.

I wish I had a Santa suit that glows in the dark.

12-11-2012, 02:47 PM
Granted. The suit also makes you look like Krampus. You scare little children everywhere (and monsteR) and their parents sue you for emotional distress and therapy fees. You end up a creepy, lonely man.

I wish I could brainwash people.

Lady MacBeth
12-11-2012, 05:52 PM
Granted. Problem is, most people's brains can't handle the impact. Heads explode everywhere.

I wish store clerks wouldn't keep asking me if I needed help.

12-11-2012, 09:25 PM
Granted. Genie believes your wish is a self-fulfilling wish. In future, you'll be asked whether you've already paid the carrier bags.

I wish underwear were sold according to weight.

12-11-2012, 11:54 PM
Granted: From now on, the weight of every pair of underwear will be clearly marked in both avoirdupois ounces and grams. The Genie, anticipating your next wish, has seen to it that, in addition, both calories and sugar content (for our diabetic friends) will be marked on every pair of edible underwear.

I wish I could get a larger tropical fish tank.

12-12-2012, 03:09 AM
Granted. But the only tank Genie could find is one left over from an aquarium renovation. It measures 20x18x15 meters. The Genie hopes it is large enough.

I wish elephants came in different colors.

Drachen Jager
12-12-2012, 03:42 AM
Granted. The ensuing race riots wipe out most of the remainder of Earth's elephantine population. Nice work.

I wish I could do ride-alongs with Krampus so I could laugh at the naughty children as they get their comeuppance.

12-12-2012, 10:26 AM
Granted. Krampus thwacks you every time you laugh and by the end of the trip your clothes and skin are in tatters. Might want to work on your impulse control.

I wish all my fantasies would become realities.

12-12-2012, 10:30 AM
Denied. Too frightening for the rest of the earth's population.

I wish I could say tongue twisters faster and more accurately than anyone else.

12-12-2012, 10:50 AM
Granted. You can now say 'tongue twisters' faster than anyone in the world. Accuracy doesn't really come into play as it's only two words.

I wish I had a robot maid.

12-12-2012, 01:49 PM
Granted. Your robot maid comes with an impaired hearing. Each time you tell it to clean / clear the table, it replies: "Yes, yes, kneel down on the table for my naughty master!"

I wish I could always make myself understood.

12-12-2012, 02:57 PM
Granted. Everyone in the world understands you and, sadly, the mystery is gone, so no one pays much attention to you anymore.

I wish everything I cooked came out perfect.

12-13-2012, 01:26 AM

12-13-2012, 11:39 AM
Granted. Everyone in the world understands you and, sadly, the mystery is gone, so no one pays much attention to you anymore.

I wish everything I cooked came out perfect.

Granted. Genie has given you a new microwave. Now all your frozen dinners come out perfect.

I wish there was a mass-transit system in place in my town.

12-13-2012, 04:05 PM
Granted, your town now has a state-of-the-art mass-transit system. All one needs to do is swipe a finger over the magnetic strip of the golden MasterCard, hop aboard, swipe, get off. Smart, eh!? Oh, you don't have a golden MasterCard, well, tough, isn't it?

I wish I knew how to get my foot in any door.

12-13-2012, 04:23 PM
Granted. After amputation, your foot will be replaced with a mechanized, computerized titanium unit that can make its way through any door. You are due for surgery in five minutes.

I wish I knew how mediocre performers make it to the top of the charts.

12-13-2012, 09:12 PM
Granted. It's the sub-mediocre audience which catapults them to the top.

I wish people would stop arguing over religion.

12-14-2012, 12:11 AM
Granted: They now use dueling pistols.

I wish the supermarket had fresher lettuce.

12-14-2012, 12:59 AM
Granted. The supermarket has lettuce that is only three weeks old, as opposed to the month-old lettuce it used to carry.

I wish I were fluent in Mandarin.

12-14-2012, 10:49 AM
Granted. Genie has set up a Mandarin immersion program for you and you'll even be paid while you learn! The sweat shop you'll be working in makes adorable figurines and you'll be in the painting shop. Try not to breathe the lead paint fumes while you learn their beautiful language.

I wish the year 2013 will be better than the year 2012.

12-14-2012, 02:41 PM
Granted. If you survive the world ending scheduled for December 2012, 2013 should be a blast.

I wish I could transmit my thoughts to others.

12-14-2012, 04:40 PM
Granted. Genie now stands next to the thought-transmitting machine, pulls lever, GO. Uh, that was quick. Hang on, report says: Zero Data Transmitted.

I wish there were more fish in the sea.

12-14-2012, 07:43 PM
Granted. There are an estimated 25,000 species of fish in the sea, and the Genie has just added a new one, Agonus scribipenserinus robberti, which can be found mainly in stagnant backwaters and is known for its remarkably disgusting smell.

I wish I had a fan club.

12-15-2012, 12:10 PM
Granted. Muriel Hawthorne, from your elementary school days, is the president of your fan club. She has been stalking you for years and is on the verge of kidnapping you so she can truly possess you.
P.S. She drives a red Honda Civic just like the one in your rearview mirror...

I wish I had a 'Wayback Machine' and an assistant named Sherman.

12-15-2012, 03:46 PM
Granted. But after all these years (the series you refer to dates from the 1960s), Sherman has grown up. He is sick of your silly adventures, and he uses the Wayback Machine to send you to a proto-North-America 100 million years ago, where you will be coping with dinosaurs--permanently.

I wish I could enter any work of fiction and live with the characters for a while.

12-15-2012, 06:30 PM
Granted. Genie picked postwar Europe. You live with the swines in a place called Animal Farm. It doesn't take you long to realize that you're amongst your brethren. Genie wonders whether your definition for "a while" matches mine!?

I wish my house came with a soundproof room.

12-15-2012, 06:59 PM
your definition for "a while" matches mine!?

I wish my house came with a soundproof room.

A basement unit has been added just for you. It is appoximately 4'X7' and 7' from floor to ceiling. It is also air tight and light proof.

I wish there were three more seeds in this pomgranate.

12-15-2012, 09:19 PM
Will be granted as soon as Porter tells Genie how many seeds are in the pomegranate already.

I wish I had a wine glass that would continually refill itself.

12-15-2012, 09:28 PM
I wish I had a wine glass that would continually refill itself.

granted, but the wine it fills with is random each time; and you have to drink it all (not throw it away) before you get a new type of wine.

I wish I could remember everything I've ever read (and ever will read) verbatim

12-16-2012, 04:21 AM
Granted. You can now remember everything you ever read. This includes package labels, road signs, the tag on your mattress. With all of this extraneous information clogging your mind, sadly, you can't sift through to anything useful to write. But you're a hit at parties...for a while.

I wish Angelina Jolie would kiss me in public.

12-16-2012, 07:44 AM
Granted. Angelina Jolie Whipple, of Gherkin Junction, N.C., is on her way to give you a big, wet kiss in public. She'll arrive any minute now:


I wish I owned Central Park.

12-16-2012, 08:53 AM
Granted. By owning the park you have assumed all responsibility for what occurs in the park. Exactly five minutes and thirty seven seconds after taking ownership a jogger is brutally beaten by a gang of thugs. The jogger takes you to court. Can you say 'I'm f*cked'?

I wish ghosts would crowd Mitt Romney's fragile eggshell mind.

12-16-2012, 01:15 PM
Granted...but Genie wonders why you wish for something that already exists.

I wish I could eat Häagen-Dazs Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream all day long without negative consequences.

12-16-2012, 02:19 PM
Denied because you're talking in riddles: Do the Swiss have almond trees? Is the vanilla plant endemic to the Alps? And what do you mean by negative consequences, putting on weight, developing acrohypothermia??

I wish I could stuff myself on ice cream and pickled cucumbers any day of the week.

12-16-2012, 04:21 PM
Partly granted but with a condition. You can stuff yourself with picked cucumbers all week as long as it is not through your mouth.

I wish I could think of a wish.

12-16-2012, 07:39 PM
Granted. You are thinking of a wish. Now present it in this thread, or don't bother the Genie again.

I wish I had the key to writing a bestseller.

Lady MacBeth
12-17-2012, 07:25 AM
Denied. Stephen King won't return it.

I wish the new LED Christmas lights came in more colours.

12-17-2012, 07:32 AM
Granted. Black and gray have been added.

I wish I could see a quark.

Lady MacBeth
12-17-2012, 07:39 AM
Granted. You will find shelves of quark in the dairy section of your local grocery store.

I wish I had more money to buy Christmas presents.

12-17-2012, 01:49 PM
Granted. Genie will send you a bucket full of BOB's (Bolivian Boliviano). In case you fail to get a reasonable exchange rate, you might make a few bucks by selling it as waste-paper.

I wish pre-packed meat would disappear from the shelves.

12-17-2012, 02:00 PM
Granted. It has disappeared from the shelves and now completely fills your kitchen, living room, bedroom, basement and garage. More is on the way.

I wish I could get all my holiday packages in the mail by tomorrow.

12-17-2012, 02:11 PM
Denied. The twin bedroom with en suite, patch of sandy beach and sixteen gallons of beer that make up your holiday package will not fit through your letter box.

I wish Christmas came twice a year.

12-17-2012, 03:32 PM
Granted, although it won't make any difference since the absolute majority of people can't afford buying presents twice a year. Be that as it may, enjoy your unpaid leave!

I wish my neighbours had better things to do than smoking pot all day.

12-17-2012, 07:50 PM
Granted. They have opened a dance studio, and they play high-decibel music 24/7, which resounds throughout your house. (It's not even good music.)

I wish I had a diamond mine.

12-17-2012, 08:50 PM
Granted. Unfortunately it is in a politically unstable area and the rebels have seized the mine to use as a base camp, and the diamonds to fund their rebellion.

I wish it would only snow on Christmas.

Lady MacBeth
12-18-2012, 07:21 AM
Granted. The entire year's worth of snow falls on Christmas day causing chaos everywhere. It takes you until Easter to dig your way out.

I wish the squirrels would stop burrowing into my potted plants.

12-18-2012, 07:44 AM
Granted. Your potted plants have disappeared.

I wish my cats could find their litter box. >.<

12-18-2012, 08:14 AM
Granted. Now that they've moved it into your bed, they find it without any problem at all.

I wish I was more decisive--no, more incisive--no, more derisive--no, more decisive...um...

12-18-2012, 10:07 AM
Granted. Genie is your humble servant and is making you a vampire. Thus you will be more incisive. An awfully derisive laugh for mocking your victims, and the coup de grace, taking one major decision away. You must now kill to survive. No thanks necessary.

I wish Genie would make me a vampire.

12-18-2012, 01:03 PM
Denied until you can learn English. "Make me a vampire" can mean either "make a vampire for me" or "turn me into a vampire." Please don't continue to waste Genie's time.

I wish I owned an island in the Pacific.

12-18-2012, 02:06 PM
Granted. It's a bit small, only an acre, but really tall...and apparently mad as hell. Oh, thank Genie you never made it to the island, it was a volcano and blew it's top. Where did you end up...? Joe...Joe...Perhaps he managed to find a place away from the things of man...away from the things of man

I wish I knew how to write the sound of a phonograph needle scratching across a phonograph record.

12-18-2012, 02:08 PM
[Edit] Granted. Now you can write it but nobody will ever know what it means.

I wish I had the power to read minds.

12-18-2012, 02:17 PM
Granted. You can now read the minds of dogs. Go. Fetch. Food. Happy.

I wish dogs were more intelligent than humans and would take over our political systems.

12-18-2012, 02:38 PM
Granted. But do you really think dogs would do a better job than the pigs who are in charge now?

I wish everyone a happy holiday season. (You can't frustrate me on this one, Genie!)

12-18-2012, 02:40 PM
Denied. For overall balance in the world there needs to be depressed people.

I wish I could spend the day by a clean river, reading and doing nothing else.

12-18-2012, 03:23 PM
Granted. Genie picked the Brak River in Limpopo Province, South Africa. The water is clean, the sun is out, you read and read and don't do anything else until you spot a black mamba next to you, "Genie, Genie help me out of here!"

"This is Genie's answer phone. The number you've just dialled doesn't work on Tuesdays. Please try again..."

I wish I hadn't bought the sledge hammer.

12-18-2012, 03:44 PM
Granted. You didn't buy the sledgehammer. You bought the chainsaw. Happy now?

I wish I could finish my damned manuscript by the end of the year.

12-18-2012, 09:40 PM
Granted. You'll have a finished, damned manuscript by the end of the year. However, it'll take an awful lot of time to take the damn out of your damn manuscript.

I wish there were words to tell you how much of a charming person I really am.

12-18-2012, 10:06 PM
Granted. You now know the words, but they are in Toki Pona (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toki_Pona) so... you can tell them to about a dozen people.

I wish I had a pony.

12-19-2012, 12:05 AM
Granted: The Genie assumes you are of legal drinking age.


I wish I wasn't catching a cold.

12-19-2012, 12:19 AM
Granted. You are catching measles. (Okay, so you've had them before, but repeated infections do occur in the medical literature.)

I wish people would come up with a substitute for the cliché "at the end of the day..."

12-19-2012, 12:24 AM
Granted. The new cliché is "at the end of the world..."

I wish the world would end.

12-19-2012, 01:44 AM
Your wish will be granted in three days.

I wish I had more moxie.

12-19-2012, 01:51 AM
Granted as soon as I discover what a moxie is, would something foxy do in the mean time?

I wish I didn't have to google things.

12-19-2012, 03:34 AM
Granted: From now on you will only be able to bing things.

I wish it would snow here on the lowlands.

12-19-2012, 03:42 AM
Granted. There will be .01 cm of snow, followed by two weeks of rain.

I wish computer viruses would boomerang on those who invent them.

12-19-2012, 10:24 AM
Granted, but it's more like 'Pong' because the hackers have incredible security. Once they figure out this boomerang effect they use it to rebound the viruses to random computers worldwide.

I wish I had a cheeseburger, cooked to perfection.

12-19-2012, 11:53 AM
Granted. It comes to you courtesy of Sarah Palin, so naturally it is made from moose meat.

I wish all song lyrics were understandable the first time you hear them.

12-19-2012, 12:06 PM
Granted. But it isn't retroactive, so all of James Brown and Eddie Vedder's lyrics are still indecipherable.

I wish I could walk on a moonbeam.

12-19-2012, 02:59 PM
Granted. The man on the moon, aka Fredster, has retained all rights to all moonbeams. You must, therefore, first battle to the death to acquire said rights. PS: Fredster has black belts in all forms of martial arts. Good luck.

I wish it would rain fudge.

12-19-2012, 09:14 PM
Granted. Although it only rains soft fudge, it still hurts as hell. Why is Genie getting so many masochist's wishes?

I wish my former wife's lover is a complete dumbass.

12-20-2012, 11:12 AM
Granted. His ass is completely and utterly stupid. His brain, however, is delightful. He's witty and insightful, generous, thoughtful, kind, caring, nice to animals, humble, the life of any party...oh, sorry, should I go on...?

I wish the Greek Gods were real and would show themselves to humanity.

12-20-2012, 01:55 PM
Granted. Hera takes a shine to you, and Zeus, intensely jealous, turns you into a mushroom.

I wish everyone understood the true quality of my writing.

12-21-2012, 06:02 AM
Granted. They all tell you to send your writing to PublishAmerica.
I wish I had space to organize my emergency supplies.

12-21-2012, 07:49 AM
Granted. You now have a 40-acre storage area attached to your house. Unfortunately, incoming missiles will see it as a military base and the minute they detect any movement, they'll launch.

I wish people I don't like would get warts.

Lady MacBeth
12-21-2012, 08:29 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, your opinion of yourself hasn't been great lately.

I wish television commercials weren't so loud.

12-21-2012, 10:07 AM
Granted. Genie directs your attention to the mute button on the remote. Whew! That one wore me out :)

I wish life was like the 'Happy Days' sitcom.

Lady MacBeth
12-22-2012, 09:53 AM
Granted. Your life just jumped the shark.

I wish Fonzie hadn't jumped the shark.

12-22-2012, 10:15 AM
Granted. Genie has replaced the shark with Leviathan. Oh, the horror...nothing left but tatters of leather floating on the blood stained water. RIP Fonzie. The episode was one of the highest rated, however.

I wish I could hypnotize people with just a glance.

Melanie Dawn
12-23-2012, 01:03 AM
Granted. Genie has replaced the shark with Leviathan. Oh, the horror...nothing left but tatters of leather floating on the blood stained water. RIP Fonzie. The episode was one of the highest rated, however.

I wish I could hypnotize people with just a glance.

granted, but it also causes them uncontrollable convulsions.

I wish I could get my GRS tomorrow.

12-23-2012, 02:12 AM
Granted. Your Gamma Ray Spectrometer will arrive via FedEx tomorrow. (That's what you meant, isn't it?)

I wish I were vacationing in Hawaii, like the President, right now.

Melanie Dawn
12-23-2012, 02:13 AM
Granted. Your Gamma Ray Spectrometer will arrive via FedEx tomorrow. (That's what you meant, isn't it?)

I wish I were vacationing in Hawaii, like the President, right now.

LMAO nope

12-23-2012, 02:37 AM
Granted. Your Gamma Ray Spectrometer will arrive via FedEx tomorrow. (That's what you meant, isn't it?)

I wish I were vacationing in Hawaii, like the President, right now.

Granted. When you arrive, the Secret Service does a background check on you, just as a precaution. Within minutes you are whisked away to beautiful Guantanamo Bay for an extended 'vacation'. Too bad those things you did in college are on your permanent record.

I wish I could dance a jig.

Melanie Dawn
12-23-2012, 02:56 AM
Granted. When you arrive, the Secret Service does a background check on you, just as a precaution. Within minutes you are whisked away to beautiful Guantanamo Bay for an extended 'vacation'. Too bad those things you did in college are on your permanent record.

I wish I could dance a jig.

granted, but you constantly slap yourself in the face while doing it.

(I'll do it right this time) I wish I could have my genital reassignment surgery tomorrow

12-23-2012, 03:53 AM
Granted. But due to the short time frame, the best Genie could come up with for a surgeon was a guy who demonstrates the amazing slice-and-dice chef's knife at the fairground. He can carve an entire wedding ceremony inside a chapel out of a single watermelon though, so you should be o.k.

I wish I knew what I'm getting for Christmas.

Melanie Dawn
12-23-2012, 03:58 AM
Granted. But due to the short time frame, the best Genie could come up with for a surgeon was a guy who demonstrates the amazing slice-and-dice chef's knife at the fairground. He can carve an entire wedding ceremony inside a chapel out of a single watermelon though, so you should be o.k.

I wish I knew what I'm getting for Christmas.

not exactly granting the wish if the surgeon isn't qualified to preform it... because he wouldn't know where to start.

anyway...granted except it's nothing-just a bunch of boxes with junk in them .

I wish I had better writing talent.

12-23-2012, 04:57 AM
Granted. Your writing skills are increased by 100%. Now you have joined the elite group of writers who are still unpublished for want of that lucky break.

I wish I could sing like Nat King Cole.

12-23-2012, 10:09 AM
Granted. But since Nat is no longer with us, he can't sing at all.

I wish I could find some way to get into Guinness World Records.

12-23-2012, 10:43 AM
Happily Granted! Your talent for cracking your knuckles has not gone unnoticed and the crew from GWR are on their way. All you have to do is crack your knuckles along to the tune of 'These Boots Were Made For Walking' for seventy two hours and twelve minutes. Good Luck!

I wish Vikings ruled the world.

12-23-2012, 03:01 PM
Granted. The Vikings rule with an iron fist, making your politicians look like milksops. What's more, they're also making life hell for everyone else... unless you decide to become a brute yourself. Go ahead, Druid, but their reign won't last long.

I wish I could always have a second chance.

12-23-2012, 05:32 PM
I wish I could always have a second chance.

As soon as everyone up here finishes laughing about how you have used your first chances and the popcorn machine is refilled ..


I wish I had a Fokker

12-23-2012, 08:28 PM
I wish I had a Fokker

Granted. Yours is at the bottom of this page:

I wish I could fly like Superman.

12-23-2012, 09:24 PM
Granted. You can fly like Superman for three seconds. Then it begins to rain Kryptonite.

I wish everyone agreed with my tastes in music.

12-23-2012, 10:30 PM
Granted. Your favorite song is the only song that ever plays in restaurants, and stores. You are SO sick of it now.

I wish I had a gift card that kept refilling itself.

12-24-2012, 02:08 AM
Granted. You now have a gift card for dental procedures that keeps refilling itself. Who'd have thought those molars could cause that much trouble?

I wish I were 20 years younger.

12-24-2012, 08:39 AM
Granted. You no longer exist.

I wish the holiday season was calmer.

Lady MacBeth
12-24-2012, 10:35 AM
Granted. You fall asleep Christmas Eve and wake up New Year's Day well rested and calm.

I wish someone would give me a new car for Christmas.

12-24-2012, 11:10 AM
Granted. As a promotion to get their new car line into the public eye, Iddiotts, Inc has chosen you as one of the recipients of a new car! It is state of the art manufacturing. Your test drive is somewhat lacking, though, when the left rear wheel falls off, causing the airbag to inflate on the passenger side, spilling your coffee, and the horn goes into 'shriek' mode.

I wish, god do I wish, this holiday would just end!

12-24-2012, 12:54 PM
Denied. Too many people like Christmas and Genie wouldn't want to ruffle the wrong turkey's feathers. Here, :Hug2:
Now, grin and bear it.

I wish people would never be late.

12-24-2012, 03:24 PM
Granted. In order to make ALL people comply, Genie changed the settings to FT: Flexible Time.

I wish my next girlfriend will be a stunner.

12-24-2012, 03:38 PM
I wish my next girlfriend will be a stunner.


In fact, her favorite bedroom toys are a stun gun and you ... enjoy

I wish garbage was easier to sort

12-27-2012, 08:08 AM
Granted. A gentleman from the RRCFE (Recycling Research Center For Enlightenment) is on his way to show you the true power of recycling and perhaps give you some tips on how to stay out of hell. Won't that be nice?

I wish truly stupid people would suddenly become smart, worldwide.

12-27-2012, 01:14 PM
Granted. Your smart-person certificate is on the way.

I wish I could convince all the Neanderthals in the US that science is a more reliable guide than superstition.

12-27-2012, 08:20 PM
Granted. That was easy, since there aren't any.

I wish there were Neanderthals in the U.S.

(according to some researchers, they may have been brighter than Cro-Magnons)

12-28-2012, 12:30 AM
Granted. There are a lot of them.

I wish Reziac would understand that I used the term "Neanderthals" in my previous post metaphorically.

12-28-2012, 12:37 AM

I wish Reziac would understand that I used the term "Neanderthals" in my previous post metaphorically.


Why do you always get in the way of what I am doing? I'm still trying to potty train him.

I wish I could jump over a candlestick.

12-28-2012, 03:03 AM
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick..
Granted, and your name is now Jack.

I wish I were potty-trained.

12-28-2012, 10:55 AM
Granted. With exhaustive work by Professor Higgins, your potty mouth has been trained to say and sing beautiful, but incredibly stupid things.

I wish I could soar like an eagle.

12-28-2012, 11:17 AM
Granted. Soon you'll be snug in your nest waaay up high on a mountain, and...what's that? You didn't say "snore?"

I wish I had an endless supply of lemon drops.

12-28-2012, 11:39 AM
Granted. Every day your cupboard is restocked with vodka and sugar and the lemons magically appear in your refrigerator. Genie may have let it slip out that your place is party central...I would stay and do a couple of shots with you, but you don't want to keep the crowd outside your door waiting. Really, they may kill you.

I wish I had an enormous amount of gold (that was legally mine :))

12-28-2012, 07:13 PM
That's an easy one. Granted. All of your belongings turn into an enormous pile of gold. You aren't greatly injured as your ceiling falls down on you in coin form, but I hope you backed up all your data elsewhere!

I wish my car wasn't totaled. :(

12-28-2012, 07:17 PM
Granted. We'll just crush it in to a compact. Very compact.

I wish I owned an airplane.

12-28-2012, 09:38 PM


It's in the mail, nicely packed in a gift box 12x15x18"

I wish I had a gold-plated Jaguar.

12-28-2012, 10:10 PM
Sha-zaaam....!! You got it, Nym. You might wanna leave the room fast though. All that hot liquid gold someone poured over him has really pissed him off!!

I wish I was the all-powerful King of America.

12-29-2012, 11:06 AM
Granted. Now, instead of only half of the country not liking the leader of the country, they all do (and many are armed...so, you know, get a 'King-mobile' or something).

I wish tennis was the National pastime.

12-29-2012, 03:19 PM
I wish tennis was the National pastime.

Tennis is now the national pastime in Zambezi

I wish the weasel wouldn't have popped. What a mess

12-29-2012, 04:34 PM
Granted. It didn't pop. It found its way inside your gut somehow. (Don't ask.)

I wish I had an umbrella that would never break.

12-30-2012, 04:12 AM
Granted: The Genie gives you a solid titanium, non-collapsible, umbrella with the suggestion that it not be used during lightning storms. It can also double as a satellite dish when inverted.

I wish I hadn't left so many things to be finished today.

12-30-2012, 11:05 AM
Denied. The only way you're going to stop procrastinating is through the use of force. Meet Biff, he will be your constant companion and bully for however long it takes. He likes his steak rare...ok, raw.

I wish I had a mute button that would make all inane conversation silent to me. Good Lord, I stepped into that one :)

12-30-2012, 01:09 PM
(Yes, you did. :eek:)

Granted. But you know what your mouth movements mean, even though you can't hear anything.

I wish I didn't have to pay for electricity.

12-30-2012, 02:23 PM
Granted. The guys from www.how-to-grow-hemp-in-your-cellar.com know all about it.

I wish hard currency would grow on trees.

12-31-2012, 06:10 AM
Granted. You are now the proud owner of the only penny tree in existence. In a few years you may reap as much as a dollar in a season.

I wish I knew how to haggle effectively.