View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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09-26-2012, 01:26 AM
Granted: Well, you could lick your eye brows if you still had them. The Genie has turned you into a lizard. (Close enough to fulfilling your wish by the Genie's reckoning. If not, cry about it. Oh, wait. Lizards can't cry.)

I wish the Genie would clean my turtle's tank.

09-26-2012, 01:54 AM
Granted. At least the Genie starts to clean the tank, but it is so clogged with odoriferous turtleshit that you allowed to build up over the past year that he passes out. Now you have a clogged tank and an unconscious Genie on your hands.

I wish the people at Fox News would get what's coming to them.

09-26-2012, 03:12 AM
Granted (wouldn't that be wonderful?) ... but they're replaced by Badger News which is just the broadcasting arm of the Tea Party, and people actually watch that instead. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sauer/angry-smiley-005.gif

I wish I had more shoes here.

09-26-2012, 07:38 AM
Granted: The Genie gives you a truck load of those fancy shoes you seem to enjoy. Unfortunately they are all mismatched left-shoes in the wrong size.

I wish I were a more disciplined writer.

09-26-2012, 07:58 AM
Granted. The Genie is sending Mistress Lucretia, an accomplished dominatrix, to keep you disciplined.

I wish I had all the answers.

Speed Racer
09-26-2012, 09:06 AM
Granted: But you have trouble matching your endless supply of answers with even the most simple questions.

I wish the work week would be 2 days and the weekend 5 days

09-26-2012, 09:11 AM
Granted. The work week is now two 69-hour days and the weekend is five 8-hour days.

I wish I were a master of disguise.

Speed Racer
09-26-2012, 09:21 AM
Granted: You are now a mad scientist with a strange little hunch-back assistant named "Disguise".

I wish pigs could fly

09-27-2012, 02:20 AM
Granted. Your new catapult will arrive shortly.

I wish tomorrow nobody on earth can tell a lie.

09-27-2012, 02:48 AM
Granted. However, from tomorrow on, nobody on earth will be able to communicate.

I wish there were more opera scores requiring an all-accordion orchestra.

09-27-2012, 02:53 AM
Granted. Welcome to hell.

I wish last was first and first was last.

Speed Racer
09-27-2012, 09:37 AM
Granted: But since you are the first to request this wish, it will be the last wish to be granted

I wish people would not drive slow in the fast lane on the freeways

09-27-2012, 02:08 PM
Denied. The last wish has already been granted, remember? Besides, with the Mach 5, you can just jump over the slowpokes, while making cool sound effects.

I wish I could have a job like Information Security Officer, that is basically denying people what they want and getting paid for it.

09-27-2012, 02:15 PM
Granted, you're a French waiter.

I wish pie grew on trees.

09-27-2012, 06:31 PM
Granted. But it's all rhubarb pie, and you're allergic to rhubarb.

I wish I could catch a ride on a comet.

09-28-2012, 01:46 AM
Granted: Here's your 1965 Mercury Comet‎; it's a barn-find in need of brakes, tires, and a fuel pump. It's all yours now.


I wish I had better short term memory.

09-28-2012, 02:04 AM
Granted. Now, every single thing that happens to you--the squeal of the hinges on your screen door, recorded messages on answering machines, the way that green stuff in the fridge smells--will never be forgotten. Of course, these millions of new memories have crowded out everything stored in your long term memory and you can't remember things you've known for decades.

I wish Britney Spears had to sing "I'm A Little Teapot" every time she does something silly.

09-28-2012, 02:16 AM
Denied. The incessant sound of her singing that song over and over and over would cause widespread mayhem and hysteria causing mobs to seek her out to bludgeon her to death. On second thought, Granted.

I wish my job had more perks.

09-28-2012, 02:21 AM
Granted. We'll send you a used coffee percolator (circa 1967).

I wish I had a meal thing like they had on Star Trek. I would just have to say "prime rib and baked potato" and (ding!) it would be there.

09-28-2012, 02:30 AM
Granted. The model we're sending only responds to Klingon so you may want to brush up first.

I wish I had the intelligence of Einstein and the physique of a twenty-something Brad Pitt.

09-28-2012, 03:11 AM
Granted. Well, sort of. I'm afraid Genie got his wires ever so slightly crossed--you now have the physique of Einstein and the intelligence of Brad Pitt. Genie is working on this and will get back to you in a millennium or two.

I wish someone would make a film of Macbeth starring Rowan Atkinson and Bette Midler.

09-28-2012, 04:57 AM
Granted. It is in production now. You didn't say what roles you wanted for them so they are two of the three witches. Rowan looks stunning in drag and Bette hits a high note that kills everyone around. Literally. Stay away from that film.

I wish going through fog would transport you to another dimension.

09-28-2012, 05:04 AM
Granted. Try driving on I-65 at 95 mph some foggy morning. Trust me, you will be transported to another dimension.

I wish they made pizza-in-a-can.

09-28-2012, 05:35 AM
Granted. But with the whole yeast thing it explodes like a can-o-snakes gag. Messy. Still yummy after you pick out the pieces :)

I wish flowers would wrestle control of the world from the politicians.

Speed Racer
09-28-2012, 09:10 AM
Granted: Female pro wrestlers, Crazy Daisy, Dragon Lily, and Rosa Mendez, wrestle away power from all existing politicians making room for the newest "Flower" leader...Sarah Palin! (man I can almost hear the groans on this one)

I wish my car had rotating saws like the Mach 5

09-28-2012, 02:54 PM
Denied. Genie is aware of your evil plot to mow down pedestrians, and can't grant this wish in good conscience. Try again later, after Genie's consumed a bottle of red wine.

I wish I could drift on a cloud at will.

09-28-2012, 05:28 PM
Granted! You are now a Jovian cloud amoeba, feeding on wisps of methane and hydrogen.

I wish weekends were three-day long.

Speed Racer
09-28-2012, 05:38 PM
Granted: Now you have one more extra day to finish that honey-do-list

I wish people would not take more than 15 items in the express line

09-28-2012, 06:05 PM
Granted but now only people over the age of 70 and you are allowed in the ten items or less line...run now!

I wish Taylor swift would record a song about me

09-28-2012, 06:12 PM
Granted. You did something stupid and now she's dumped you. http://www.mtv.com/videos/misc/832119/we-are-never-ever-getting-back-together-live.jhtml

(She lives just up the street from me, by the way.)

I wish Taylor would invite me for a swim at her condo.

09-28-2012, 06:26 PM
Granted but the Genie mixed up the last names... Instead of Taylor swift in a bikini,, you now get Taylor Lautner, half-naked and oiled up, just for you. Enjoy

I wish there was world peace

09-28-2012, 06:48 PM
Granted. You've been transported to Pluto. It's very quiet and peaceful on that world. Wear a sweater.

I wish I didn't have to go to the grocery store this morning.

09-28-2012, 09:31 PM
Granted. Genie has imbued your cat with human intellect to take care of your shopping for you. Not sure where you're going to put all that catnip and all those cat toys or the friends he invited over. At least he remembered the milk.

I wish there really was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

09-28-2012, 10:54 PM
Granted. The truths is there are two pots of gold–one on either side. You can't decide which one to take. Tough shit.

I wish I owned a missile launcher.

09-28-2012, 11:10 PM
Granted. The empty bottle of spirits on your coffee table works great as a bottle rocket launcher.

I wish too much was enough.

Speed Racer
09-29-2012, 04:20 AM
Granted: You will be blessed with too many kids, lets 8......so 8 is enough!

I wish people would use a turn signal when driving

09-29-2012, 06:46 AM
Granted. Now everyone drives with the turn signal on continuously, even on the freeway.

I wish all traffic lights would automatically switch to green when I approach an intersection.

09-29-2012, 08:06 AM
Granted. They switch to green for the cars coming in the other direction.

I wish I could win an Oscar or a Tony or an Emmy or a Grammy. (One will be enough, Genie. I'm not greedy.)

09-29-2012, 03:35 PM
Granted. And the Tony Award for best prompter goes to Nymtoc :Clap:

I wish all children would attend school for a minimum of four years.

09-29-2012, 09:20 PM
Granted. The school of Rock has been established and all children worldwide have been enrolled. There is a learning curve of course but the majority of kids have taken to it quite nicely. We should see a resurgence of 'Hair Bands' any time now.

I wish there was a radar to spot idiots so they could be avoided.

09-29-2012, 11:08 PM
Granted. But you wonder why everybody is avoiding you.

I wish wildflowers would cover the hills and valleys all year long.

Speed Racer
09-29-2012, 11:47 PM
Granted: Bad Genie also threw in, at no extra cost, a bad case of allergies....so enjoy the flowers!

I wish Trixie would marry me and that Racer X would be my best man

09-29-2012, 11:58 PM
Granted. However, when the priest asks if anyone knows of a reason why you two should not wed, a sinister hooded man stands and proclaims that Trixie is in fact a man. The honeymoon should be interesting.

I wish there was enough to go around.

09-30-2012, 02:51 AM
Granted: With a wave of the Genie's hand there is enough air to go around the world.

I wish I knew the way to San Jose so Dionne Warwick would stop asking.

09-30-2012, 03:00 AM
Granted. You know the way to San Jose, but when you get there you visit the Winchester Mystery House and are so confused by its staircases leading nowhere and its doors that open upon nothing that you become crazed and are institutionalized.

I wish I could discover an unknown play by Shakespeare.

09-30-2012, 04:10 AM
Granted. At a yard sale you happen upon a copy of 'An Unknown Play by Shakespeare', written by Darren Floss. What luck!

I wish hamsters would stop invading my dreams.

09-30-2012, 05:05 AM
Granted - they will now invade your kitchen instead

I wish to run away with the Doctor in his TARDIS

Speed Racer
09-30-2012, 06:44 AM
Granted: But Dr. Who was not available so we are sending you with Dr. Seuss instead. He will keep you entertained with thousand of hours of rhyming words that don't make sense. Warning he does not know how to drive a time machine...good luck

I wish I knew the secret of life

09-30-2012, 08:05 AM
Partly granted. You know the secret combination, but you haven't got the lock.

I wish the U.S. elections were over.

09-30-2012, 02:48 PM
Difficult. Genie is unable to make you live in the future, it can only predict the latter: He's in for a landslide victory! (Genie hopes this was helpful and you will stop having sleepless nights)

I wish all people were literate.

Speed Racer
09-30-2012, 06:43 PM
Granted: It is the year 3012 and everyone on the planet is literate, but in the year 3012 no one reads. Books are uploaded to our brains.

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener

09-30-2012, 07:00 PM
Reluctantly granted. Genie just has a morbid streak and wants to see how this plays out. That grill is pretty hot...

I wish my girlfriend didn't live so far away.

09-30-2012, 09:14 PM
Granted. Your new girlfriend lives next door. However, you're not her only boyfriend.

I wish I could win a limbo contest.

09-30-2012, 11:33 PM
Granted. But scrunching down so low has done strange things to your vertebral column. You have never been able to get out of the position you were in when you won the contest. But look on the bright side: you are in great demand at medical conferences.

I wish I had an elevator for all my cars, like Mitt Romney. (Amended wish: I wish I had a car.)

09-30-2012, 11:39 PM
Granted, you're been awarded a free car! Congratulations. You just need to pay the NY sales tax, registration fee, six months parking garage rent, insurance, extended warranty; and pay for a few minor repairs. Let's see, the total comes to $33, 722.18. Will you be paying with a credit car today, sir? For only $200 more you can also get a tank of gas.

I wish I could lose ten pounds.

09-30-2012, 11:47 PM
Granted. You've lost ten pounds. Unfortunately, it was in a British casino and it was the last money you had. Looks like you'll be sleeping in Hyde Park again tonight.

I wish I controlled the world's supply of marmalade.

10-01-2012, 03:11 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, however, there's just no demand for it, these days, with 73 new kinds of honey on the market, and the storage charges are mounting up, and eventually it goes off, you know, even in those jars ...

I wish people wouldn't call typescripts "manuscripts" all the time, when they're never handwritten.

10-01-2012, 03:40 AM
Granted. We will destroy all typewriters, computers, and other digital devices so this mistake is never made again.

I wish I had a new computer.

Speed Racer
10-01-2012, 07:42 AM
Granted: You are the proud owner of a new HP laptop, however I must warn you that Genie was a little short on funds so I "Borrowed" it from the store. Oh yeah one more thing, the laptop has Lojack installed and the police maybe knocking at your door at any minute.

I wish I could rule the world

10-01-2012, 08:12 AM
Granted. You could rule the world, but you're so easily distracted--is that a quarter under...mmm, pancakes...my knees look funny--you never do, so things continue as usual.

I wish I had invented a cure for the common cold.

10-01-2012, 12:34 PM
Granted. Aren't you the bloke who wears a hat at any one time? You're cured. You're immune. Congrats!

I wish I knew what Paris Hilton carries in her handbag.

10-01-2012, 01:51 PM
Granted. What's in her handbag: One hundred and twelve credit cards, makeup, a compact, doggie treats, more makeup, Tampons, tissue, and a photo album with 500 photos of herself. What's not in her handbag: A copy of Newton's Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica.

I wish I could discover the secret to life, the universe, and everything. I don't think it's 42.

10-01-2012, 05:12 PM
Granted. it's 43

I wish Michael Bay would stop making movies

10-01-2012, 11:12 PM
Granted. From now on they will just keep showing his old ones over and over and over again! Hey, get ready for the Michael Bay Marathon this weekend!

I wish I was a movie star and got to hang out with Lindsey Lohan and Winona Ryder. Winona and I could shoplift and Lindsey could drive the getaway car.

Speed Racer
10-01-2012, 11:28 PM
Granted: But surveillance cameras catch you and as you try to get away, Lindsey crashes the getaway car. Since you are not as big of a star as Lindsey and Winona, you go to jail and share a cell with a convicted murder named Big Bubba. You will soon find out why he is called "Big"

I wish my dreams would come true

10-01-2012, 11:33 PM
Granted. But they are all nightmares.

I wish people would abandon the apples-and-oranges argument and think of a more original one, like maybe cats-and-rats.

10-02-2012, 02:53 AM
Sadly denied. Nothing would make Genie happier but the apples/oranges lobby have powerful allies, far too numerous for one Genie to combat.

I wish there was no 'if' in life.

10-02-2012, 04:26 AM
Granted. You will immediately receive a notice that you will collect $1,000,000,000 from the HelpAWriter Fund, but only IF you reply within the next 30 minutes. Since IF no longer exists, you can't reply, and you do not get $1,000,000,000.

I wish I could turn into a zebra, but only when I want to.

10-02-2012, 05:33 AM
Granted. The first time you turn into a zebra you lose all cognitive thought and end up frolicking with a herd that gets eaten by lions.

I wish people would flock from miles around just to hear me talk.

10-02-2012, 06:05 AM
Granted. People come from miles around to hear you talk. Of course, you're ten months old and the people who're coming are your grandparents who never get enough of hearing you say "poo-poo" and "mama."

I wish sneering was an Olympic sport.

10-02-2012, 06:17 AM
Granted!!!! Genie is very proud that Zeddo won the silver medal, who knew that Micronesia had that much rage, and hopes that the event doesn't end in a fistfight next time.

I wish Pluto would get back in NASA's good graces and become a planet again.

10-02-2012, 12:45 PM
Granted ... but to thank you for the suggestion, NASA has appointed you "Official Visitor" to Pluto. Farewell.

I wish the media would lose most of their interest in reporting the antics of celebrity airheads.

10-02-2012, 01:48 PM
Granted. Now the media have no interests but knitting circles, tic-tac-toe tournaments and environmentally safe coat hangers.

I wish Mitt Romney wouldn't laugh (if you can call it a laugh) at his own jokes.

10-02-2012, 02:04 PM
Granted. Okay, as soon as he'll start laughing at his own jokes, the Genie will superimpose images of dependent Americans.

I wish I had the thick skin of an elephant.

10-02-2012, 02:06 PM
Hey, what happened to my wish? :poke:

10-02-2012, 02:18 PM
I wish Mitt Romney wouldn't laugh (if you can call it a laugh) at his own jokes.

Granted, but as a result he alienates slightly fewer viewers than expected in the TV debates, and the gap in the polls is starting to close. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sprachlos/speechless-smiley-003.gif

I wish I had the thick skin of an elephant.

Granted ... but the necessary skin-grafting to achieve this pachydermatous outcome has resulted in a prosecution for alleged ivory smuggling, and with compelling evidence: you really should have used that up for some bone-grafts, too.

I wish we could get super saver shipping on some of these unusual wishes.

10-03-2012, 02:55 AM
Granted. Unfortunately that deal only applies to Nymtoc's wishes.

I wish my hair would grow back faster.

10-03-2012, 03:09 AM
Granted. It grows at a rate of one inch a day. You can't possibly keep up with it, so you look like this all the time:


I wish I had all of Wikipedia in my mind.

10-03-2012, 03:27 AM
Granted. Wikipedia's creators are a little upset as they have to start over from scratch and all the folks who use it, well don't look now...on second thought maybe you should. Is that tar I smell?

I wish my bank account balance was seven figures (to the left of the decimal point).

10-03-2012, 03:35 AM
I wish my bank account balance was seven figures (to the left of the decimal point).

Granted, but all the figures are zeros.

I wish there was a volume knob in restaurants so I could turn down the background noise.

10-03-2012, 03:58 AM
Granted. You now require a hearing aide and your battery is perpetually dying. Bonus! It's not just restaurants that you can't hear background noise.

I wish someone could explain the song 'Jimmy crack corn and I don't care'.

10-03-2012, 04:28 AM
This was a remark made by disenchanted audiences of country comedian Jimmy John Beauregarde when they walked out of his show. Eventually, it finished his career when audiences started singing the phrase as soon as he came on stage.

Who's afraid of the big bad wolf?

Speed Racer
10-03-2012, 04:50 AM
Granted: A young man named Jimmy got caught with some crack while eating some corn and I don't care, let him go to jail.

I wish I could understand Zeddo and have a cool hat like him

10-03-2012, 06:16 AM
Denied! Zeddo is like the panther and cannot be understood. It's best to watch from afar and eat popcorn. And no you can't have his hat either. He's not big on sharing.

I wish clog dancing was an olympic sport.

Speed Racer
10-03-2012, 07:09 AM
Granted: But you will have to clean up the mess after the athletes finish stomping on all the roaches needed to get the athletes motivated

I wish men could understand women

10-03-2012, 07:43 AM
Granted. Men can understand Louisa May Alcott's Little Women.

I wish I owned Central Park.

10-03-2012, 02:38 PM
Granted. You now own Central Park, wow! However, initial enthusiasm fades after the first whacking bill arrives, $ 34.590,87 for weekly refuse collection. In order to recoup your loss, you decide to erect a fence and charge an admission fee. Everyone is up in arms. Have fun.

I wish plants could scream.

10-03-2012, 02:44 PM
Granted. Here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7SkrYF8lCU&feature=related

I wish I had some cool moves (like all the cool kids).

10-04-2012, 02:23 AM
Granted. In addition to the cool moves you acquire cool phrases and adopt cool stances. Your cat becomes miffed by your posturing and smothers you in your sleep.


10-04-2012, 01:22 PM
Granted. Keep moving. If you get to a tunnel you'll be dry. If you get out the other end, there'll be SUN light.

I wish greasy sausages and black pudding for breakfast were outlawed.

10-04-2012, 04:31 PM
Granted. Greasy sausages and black pudding for breakfast are outlawed in vegan restaurants. Everywhere else, they become more popular than ever.

I wish restasurants still offered a "blue-plate special"--in other words, a full meal for $1.

10-05-2012, 02:06 AM
Granted. It's called 'Dine and Dash'. At least you left a tip.

I wish I could build a perpetual motion machine.

10-05-2012, 07:12 AM
Granted you built a prepetual motion maching and you're stuck on it and can't get off.

I wish I could finish all my WIP's

10-05-2012, 08:01 AM
Granted. They are all done! Unfortunately a gas main erupts taking out your entire block! Thank God (or Genie) that you were out partying or you could have gone up in the conflagation too. Ooooh, your finished WIP's...

I wish Satan would finally reconcile with God and give me the movie rights to their story.

10-05-2012, 08:16 AM
Denied. Genie has always fancied himself as producer/director/star of a major motion picture, and if anyone's going to get those rights, it's him. He has the vision, the contacts and the talent. (He was set to star in Aladdin you know, until they turned it into an animated film.)

I wish my birthday was a national holiday.

10-05-2012, 08:26 AM
Granted. Your birthday is January 1, which is a national holiday anyway, so nobody notices.

I wish I could make the whole world convert to green energy.

10-05-2012, 12:47 PM
Granted. Irrespective of your age, it'll be a life-long task. Since Genie is fond of earthlings committed to a (green) course, Genie would free you of all other duties. Are you up for it?

I wish I could earn a living by giving people a piece of my mind.

10-05-2012, 01:08 PM
Granted. However, the Genie finds this to be one of the strangest wishes he has ever dealt with. It means going for surgery rather frequently. Each time, the surgeons cut out a piece of your brain, which they sell for transplant, and you earn a living that way, but after a while...well, there won't be much brain left, will there?

I wish Wednesday night's Presidential debate had not been a disaster for Obama.

10-05-2012, 03:00 PM
Denied, it's over. But next time, do yourself a favour and print it off rather than handing notes to the President he can barely read. May I also remind you that numbers should not be capitalized, but bolded, underlined with a screaming font coloured in red 47%

I wish my laundry won't turn pink.

10-05-2012, 09:32 PM
Granted. Genie has rifled through all your pants pockets and emptied them of all those Twizzlers. That should do the trick.

I wish I was on a beach in Fiji.

10-06-2012, 05:58 AM
Granted. You are on a Fiji beach on April 1 of this year. The ocean, spurred by tropical storm Daphne is coming for you.
I wish Twocat would stop eating potato chips.

10-06-2012, 08:43 AM
Granted. It is an unusual request but Genie will make Twocat stop eating potato chips. Unfortunately, a key ingredient of potato chips is potatoes and that's what keeps...kept Twocat alive.

I wish a ravishingly beautiful rich woman would make me the heir to her estate with an iron clad will.

10-06-2012, 08:51 AM
Granted. It is iron-clad in the sense that she hid it inside her electric iron. After her death, the electric iron is trashed along with other household items, and nobody ever finds the will. As a result, her previous will takes effect--the one in which she left her entire estate to the Fund for Feeding Pigeons in the Park.

I wish people would vote intelligently instead of basing their decisions on images, slogans and lies.

10-06-2012, 09:59 AM
Denied. An intelligent voter is an informed voter. A truly informed voter does not exist.

I wish Milla Jovovich was my girlfriend.

10-06-2012, 08:05 PM
Granted. Sort of. A nano-second after Genie granted your wish, Milla wished you'd be turned into a doorknob. Sorry about that.

I wish telephone solicitors would only get their own number when they call.

10-06-2012, 08:32 PM
Denied. Genie knows how much you look forward to these calls as an outlet for your rage.

I wish I could go back in time and party with Patty Duke.

10-07-2012, 10:48 PM
Granted. But this song plays on a loop in your mind, over and over. There's no way to stop it. It's what you hear over everything else in your environment. It even plays constantly in your dreams. Enjoy!

Patty Duke Show theme - YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVm-_y7u0T0&feature=fvwrel)

I wish I had a car that would drive on roads, fly at 30,000 feet and also function as a submarine.

10-07-2012, 11:02 PM
Granted. However, since you aren't an accomplished pilot, your maiden flight leaves a trail of disaster before you crash into the ocean, sinking like a stone.

I wish there were more potato chips in every bag.

10-08-2012, 12:31 AM
Granted. Only open one end. If you still think that it doesn't give you more crisps per bag, just give the next one a good thrashing.

I wish I'd been taught how to draw a line.

10-08-2012, 12:55 AM
Granted. That line you just drew in the sand is magnificent. Biff, the bodybuilder, that you just pissed off likes it too. And just crossed it. Good luck!

I wish Metallica hadn't sold out and still made heavy metal music.

10-08-2012, 12:58 AM
I wish Metallica hadn't sold out and still made heavy metal music.

I'm going to make them go back to vynl

I wish the turkey would hold still

10-08-2012, 01:11 AM
Granted. I went a wee bit too far and petrified it. Hope that doesn't spoil your plans for it.

I wish I had superhero costume.

10-08-2012, 02:33 AM
Denied: The Genie, glancing at your avatar, decides you have enough costumes.

I wish it would rain. (We are approaching 80 days without a drop.) :flag:

10-08-2012, 02:41 AM
Granted. But in the process of messing with the weather cycle Genie inadvertently, and without malice, well...destroyed Japan with another tsunami. Oopsie :(

I wish people worldwide would just say what's on their minds.

10-08-2012, 03:09 AM
Granted. But within 30 seconds their disagreements bring on World War III.

I wish I had a tree that would grow all kinds of fruit, not just apples or oranges or whatever.

10-08-2012, 03:28 AM
Granted. But the neighborhood kids keep stealing the fruit before you can enjoy it.

I wish I had all the time in the world.

10-08-2012, 03:38 AM
Granted. Since you have all the time in the world, no one else has any, including your doctor, your family and your girlfriend. They ignore you completely while frantically racing to meet their deadlines. Don't try to talk to them about it--they've started killing anyone who slows them down.

I wish I could invent a hangover cure that really works.

10-08-2012, 03:45 AM
Granted! And good on you! Genie's head has been pounding for eons. But there is one drawback, it makes you sterile. Sort of a good thing if you think about it though, right?

I wish everyone who meets me will give me all their money without any prompting on my part.

10-08-2012, 08:27 AM
Granted. Everyone who meets you is from Zuna-Zuna, a small island in the South Pacific. Their money consists entirely of seashells, and they bury you under it without any prompting.

I wish I could load Kindle files onto my BlackBerry PlayBook.

10-08-2012, 12:17 PM
Granted with caution (Genies get by without computers). Place the gadgets next to each other. Make sure their current loop serial interfaces are nicely exposed and gently start rubbing them together.

I wish I could be hedge fund manager for a day.

10-09-2012, 04:28 AM
Granted. Of course you have no training in the field and the losses for the firm's clients, based on your recommendations, send the company into a downward spiral and eventual bankruptcy. Not bad for a day's work!

I wish there was a device to translate dolphin language into english and vice versa.

10-09-2012, 12:14 PM
Granted. Your easiest bet will be to further develop an existing translation (Dolphin – Pidgin English). Make haste, or the dolphins will be gone.

I wish you had been more enthusiastic about my stamp collection.

10-09-2012, 12:20 PM
Granted. Gosh, what a wonderful stamp collection! Do you work on it every day? How did you get all these stamps? I bet some of them are really rare. And I bet they cost you a pretty penny, didn't they? Wow, I wish I had a stamp collection like yours!

I wish tickets to Broadway shows didn't cost so much.

10-09-2012, 08:28 PM
Granted. From now on, you'll be able to watch all shows on Broadway for a fraction of the asking price. How was that possible? Simple, Genie just struck a deal: Each ordinary show will be followed by a cheap show in which all performers are laymen.

I wish I were as good at Morris dancing as you are.

10-11-2012, 04:09 AM
Granted! And we take our show on the road at the first opportunity! Um, we probably should have got some reviews from somebody, anybody, before striking out on the road. I really suck and you're just as good as me.

I wish I could surf the narly breakers off the California coast like the pros.

10-11-2012, 05:40 AM
Granted. But after you take that first big wave, a large fin appears beside you in the water, and...not being the worst kind of Genie, I can't go on.

I wish I lived in Buckingham Palace.

10-11-2012, 05:45 AM
Granted. Named after the famous Palace in England, you now live in the Buckingham Palace Apartments in lower Hoboken, NJ. Lock your doors and windows...always.

I wish I had the talent to be on the PGA tour.

10-11-2012, 01:14 PM
Granted. You have the talent, but you still need to work on your manners. Genie reckons you might make it in 2017, maybe.

I wish I knew the difference between 'tight' and 'narrow'.

10-11-2012, 03:40 PM
Granted. Go dink ten pints of beer, and when you're sufficiently tight try going through the pub's door. You'll find it's not as narrow as you thought.

I wish I had an amanuensis.

10-11-2012, 09:09 PM
Granted: Unfortunately, just as you feel your 400 page magnum opus is finished he absconds, and you soon discover he has published it under his name. You sue, but since all of the drafts, notes, and the manuscript itself, are on his laptop you are laughed out of court. In addition, rubbing salt on your wounds, you are ordered to pay his legal fees, and all court costs.

I wish it were tomorrow (the forecast is for rain.)

10-12-2012, 02:41 AM
Granted. Today is now tomorrow. Einsteinian theories having been broken I suggest you duck...and bring a towel.

I wish people would pay to hear me sing.

10-12-2012, 03:50 AM
Granted. You are now the most famous castrato in 1850s Italian opera. People pay vast sums to hear you hit those high notes. Unfortunately, your fame isn't helping you meet babes.

I wish I could see into the future so I could pick winners at the track.

10-12-2012, 12:11 PM
Undecided. If you'd written "...so I could pick winners at the track to support my granny..." okay, Genie would have been generous. But now, hm...

I wish my in-laws won't be staying all weekend.

10-14-2012, 04:47 AM
Granted. They leave at 11:55p.m. tomorrow.
I wish I had a hundred thousand dollars to spend on books.

10-14-2012, 05:08 AM
Granted. But you can only spend it at Sotheby's auction house and it's not even close to the going bid for anything.

I wish the idiot upstairs would put the power tools away and go jump in a lake.

10-14-2012, 06:20 AM
Granted. He turns off the power tools and jumps in the lake. While underwater, he finds a pirate's chest sunken there 300 years ago. It is filled with jewels worth $5,00,000,000,000, which he claims and goes on to become the richest man in the world. If you hadn't been so eager to hurt him, you would have gone swimming in that lake and found the pirate's chest yourself, but your nasty, petty nature prevented you from becoming the richest man in the world. Satisfied now?

I wish I could play the cello.

10-14-2012, 06:48 AM
Granted. Your natural musical ability is drumming though and your cello becomes a pile of toothpicks and useless strings within a day.

I wish taxes were abolished worldwide.

10-14-2012, 01:36 PM
Permanently denied. Genie fears the upper crust would rise to the occasion, while the likes of you will be taken to the cleaners. Genie is currently working on a Fair-Tax-Scheme, so watch this space, druid.

I wish I could sweet-talk you out of your money.

10-14-2012, 08:47 PM
Hmmmm. That's a conundrum. Since you told me of your intention to 'sweet-talk' me I'll be looking for it. Can't turn a blind eye or deaf ear to that...Tell ya what. Here's fifty cents and we never have to do this again.

I wish autumn would last longer.

10-15-2012, 03:06 PM
Granted. You are now trapped in eternal autumn. Too bad you'll never see any woman in a bikini ever again.

I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant at will.

10-15-2012, 04:52 PM
Granted. Shrriiink, there you go. Unfortunately, you forgot to wish for extra protective cover. Be careful not to get squashed!

I wish you had seen me hang gliding over the Grand Canyon.

10-15-2012, 05:08 PM
Granted. I saw you just at the point where the wind died, and your hang glider--and you--plummeted to the bottom of the canyon. I got it on film, which I often play when guests come over.

I wish people would learn that a diet of cheeseburgers, French fries (chips) and high-sugar soda drinks does not lead to a long life.

10-15-2012, 11:58 PM
Granted. As of today, all earthlings know that burgers, chips and soft drinks don't lead to a long life. Tomorrow, though, you'll be back to square one. Genie wishes to inform Nymtoc that a substantial percentage of earthlings don't necessarily strive for a long life. And an even greater percentage just love their yummy fast food.

I wish all fast food outlets were required to paint "GREASY FATTY FOOD IS FOR..." on their entrance doors.

10-16-2012, 02:01 AM
Granted. Within hours the entire population of the world has already ignored those words.

I wish I had a personal chef.

10-16-2012, 04:01 AM
Granted. He only knows how to fry sausages, but he's available, because he just got fired from the Greasy Spoon Café.

I wish I understood higher mathematics.

10-16-2012, 04:13 AM
Granted. Now words have no meaning to you as your brain is constantly figuring. The government has recruited you as a code breaker and you currently reside in a stark concrete room and drool. A lot.

I wish the hail that is coming down now would stop!

10-16-2012, 02:04 PM
Granted. Still hailing? See, magic!

I wish you won't get your knickers in a twist when someone calls you a dork.

10-16-2012, 02:07 PM
Granted. From now on I'm not wearing any knickers. Hey, is it a bit breezy in here?

I wish I had a dollar for every time sometime posts LOL on the Internet.

10-16-2012, 06:32 PM
Granted: The Genie, who has no money of his own, is forced to create the bills out of thin air. They are, of course, perfect in every way. Unfortunately, while buying three dollars worth of candles at the local Dollar Store, the clerk notices that they all have the same serial number, and calls the police. You are arrested for counterfeiting when,after a search of your home, the police discover billions of them.

I wish there weren't so many distraction when I sit down to write.

10-16-2012, 07:11 PM
Granted. You are sealed in a windowless room with no external stimuli. The walls are bare, as are the floor and ceiling. You have no phone, radio,TV or Internet. Meals are slipped through a narrow slot in the door. After the first day you begin to feel uncomfortable, and after four days you demand to be let out--but to no avail, because you signed a contract agreeing to be left alone for six months so you could write. Three weeks go by before you are declared insane.

I wish Elvis would stop coming into my room every night and singing "Hound Dog."

10-16-2012, 07:25 PM
I wish Elvis would stop coming into my room every night and singing "Hound Dog."

The genie unplugs your VCR

I wish the turkeys eating the sunflower seeds in my yard will make sure they are coming to dinner on Thanksgiving Day.

10-17-2012, 02:16 AM
Unfortunately denied. They have already accepted an invitation from your vegan neighbors. But they thank you for the seeds!

I wish it was warmer outside.

10-17-2012, 02:24 AM
Granted. Because of global warming, the temperature in your area is now 120° F. (49° C.). You are rushed to the ER to be treated for heat stroke.

I wish I had written The Wizard of Oz, because now I would be collecting all kinds of royalties.

10-17-2012, 03:15 AM
Granted. The royalties allow you to pursue your recreational passion of skeet shooting. You join a prestigious league whose membership includes politicians, heads of industry, and the like. One day, in a bizarre twist of events, you are shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

I wish I could fly (and land safely!)

10-17-2012, 04:53 AM
Granted: You fly and land safely on the shores of Groom Lake, which, as you may know, is in Area 51. You are promptly arrested and locked in a windowless concrete bunker. Since that is a super secret base, and few people know of your landing, there is no need for a trial, which is a shame seeing as how you were the first human to fly under his own power, and all.

I wish I had some ice cream in my freezer, right now.

10-17-2012, 04:56 AM
Granted. Your freezer is currently on the fritz so the ice cream is, well, just cream. And sticky.

I wish I owned an upscale hotel.

10-17-2012, 07:03 AM
Granted. You own the Fleabag Arms, 6 rooms of unbelievable squalor teeming with giant rats carrying bubonic plague. It is, however, the most upscale hotel down by the docks and is patronized by only the most discriminating riffraff. Of course, you live on-site in order to provide your guests with every service they could possibly desire.

I wish I was always right and could prove it.

10-17-2012, 07:18 AM
Granted. Your 'Republican For Life' card just arrived in the mail today. Nice picture.

I wish franks and beans was the National food.

10-17-2012, 08:31 AM
Granted. Franks and beans are the national food on Nauru, a tiny island nation in the western Pacific.

I wish Hollywood still made films noir as good as the ones they made back in the 1940s.

10-18-2012, 05:31 AM
Granted. The roles are played by the undead actors/actresses who played the original roles and they're all directed by George Romero.

I wish I could make millions of dollars picking winning stocks on the stock market.

10-18-2012, 10:55 AM
Granted. But you make millions of dollars for your employer, who is a member of the 1%. You are merely his assistant and receive a modest weekly salary.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

10-18-2012, 01:14 PM
Me too, Genie.

I wish my hair-dryer could be used as a power source.

10-18-2012, 03:49 PM
Denied. Genie knows this is a blatant ploy to blow up the world. The authorities are on their way to you. Good luck explaining those boxes of C-4.

I wish flies would drop dead when I glare at them.

10-19-2012, 02:50 AM
Granted. The Hell's Angel named 'Flies' has taken exception to your new ability, and while he dropped dead at your glare, his club mates have taken his death rather hard and do *gasp* unspeakable things to you. I didn't know a human body could bend that way and still live...

I wish I could kiss my girlfriend right now.

10-19-2012, 02:54 AM
I wish I could kiss my girlfriend right now.

OK OK I'm working on it .. she wishes you could too.

I wish I had the recipe for peanutbutter.

10-19-2012, 03:19 AM
Granted. And your first batch comes out delicious. Then you get the knock on the door. The JIF goons have heard that you're trying to get in the peanut butter game. They rough you up but leave you alive, smeared with peanut butter.

I wish I had a better job.

10-19-2012, 06:59 AM
Granted. In this Genie's hometown, we still have horse cops, and somebody has to follow along and scoop up the, you know, the stuff the horses drop. That's better than the job you have now, isn't it?

I wish I could speak every language on earth.

10-19-2012, 07:17 AM
Granted. And, wow, that wish took some cajones! The human mind can only hold so much information. You made it to weasels before your head imploded and exploded simultaneously. It was awesome!

I wish fairies would show themselves once and for all.

10-19-2012, 11:27 AM
Granted. This is not the usual kind of ridiculous answer in this thread. The photo below was taken in 1917 by a pair of young sisters in England. It came to the attention of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who by that time was deeply into spiritualism. He believed the photo was really of fairies and wrote about them. Years later, the sisters admitted the fairies were cardboard cutouts. But who are we to question Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?


I wish I could work magic spells by snapping my fingers.

10-19-2012, 04:04 PM
what? cardboard cut outs? clean your glasses man! those are bona fide garden variety fairies! better snap your fingers for a new pair of eyes!

i wish that oaf watson would stop stepping on the fairies in my garden!

10-19-2012, 04:15 PM
Granted. Now he is ripping out all your flowers by the roots, trying to destroy the underground tunnels built by elves.

I wish I could understand why some people want to return to the 1950s.

10-19-2012, 04:31 PM
that's easy--in the fifties the world was ruled by white, straight, money driven males. then a bunch of pesky kids in love beads overturned the apple cart by insisting that everyone else mattered too.

now the old men think by preaching "family values" they can bamboozle the younger gens into voting them back into power. one small problem--enough of us who remember the fifties as an intolerant, black and white quagmire are still around to tell the truth.

i wish billy jack would come back and kick some neo-nazi ass

10-19-2012, 05:28 PM
Granted. But Billy Jack (AKA Tom Laughlin) is now 81, and he's not quite as agile as he used to be. Consequently, he is recruiting a team of Kansas ladies to help him. Expect a knock on your door any day now.

I wish George W. Bush would come out and campaign for Mitt Romney over the next two weeks. :ROFL:

10-19-2012, 10:16 PM
GRANTED!!!!!! The comedy is priceless, but alas, the nation laughs so hard they forget to vote and Romney wins 1-0 with his being the only vote cast (apparently even his family and friends were doubled over).

I wish there were no homeless people in the world.

10-20-2012, 12:10 AM
Granted. But you'll have to wait until after the election, when the Romney administration will get rid of homeless people and introduce a new foodstuff called Soylent Green.

I wish I had a crystal ball.

10-20-2012, 12:47 AM

I wish I had a crystal ball.

Wish granted but let's not carry this thread into the gutter. You will find you new set not nearly as ... well ... anything as what you just discarded.

I wish I had some mustard

10-20-2012, 01:01 AM
Granted and unfortunately it isn't Grey Poupon and you will not get it from a rich person riding in a fancy car, it is a generic brand that comes from a company that really doesn't care about FDA rules and regulations so your mustard is lumpy and grainy with all matter of Yuck...

...I wish I had a fistful of hundred dollar bills.

10-20-2012, 01:36 AM
Granted. Don't try to spend them too close to home though--the man who ran them off seemed awfully worried about whether Genie was really a cop in disguise.

I wish I could carve a really scary jack-o-lantern.

10-20-2012, 08:11 AM
Granted. It comes to life and begins eating everything in the neighborhood.\

I wish I could see Phar Lap.

10-20-2012, 08:57 AM
Granted. The Genie's cat, Phar, is lapping milk right now. The Genie will send you a video.

I wish I could understand how an octopus thinks.

10-20-2012, 03:27 PM
Granted. Put yourself in the shoes of octopuses. Now, if you had an equivalent amount of arms and legs, wouldn't it make perfect sense to think with your limbs? There you are.

I wish I knew why no one else likes fried herring with jam for breakfast.

10-20-2012, 06:52 PM
Granted. Because fried herring with jam is disgusting.

I wish my team would win today.

10-20-2012, 08:45 PM
Granted. Today your team is extremely lucky--it wins a staggering amount of money in the lottery. But you're not getting any.

I wish I won't go bananas.

10-20-2012, 09:31 PM
Granted. Instead you've gone nuts.

I wish my socks were all put together in pairs.

10-21-2012, 01:28 PM
Granted. Uh, that was easy. How come you can't do it yourself? Are you lazy? Note, your convenience wishes are now exhausted, Genie.

I wish incompetent people couldn't be elected into office.

10-21-2012, 01:39 PM
Granted. More than 10,750,000 offices are now empty. Only a few elected officials survive--three small-town sheriffs, a couple of judges, a mayor or two, but thanks to you, the world is in a state of complete anarchy.

I wish I had a yak.

10-21-2012, 03:04 PM
Wish granted: Today is my last day of a four day weekend. I've been babysitting Magnolia and, as usual, the housework and writing have suffered. The living room is carpeted in towns-- little cars and block towers. Hate to knock them down because they are so cute but they are hard to walk around. The goldfish needs new water. I should do something with the pork roast in the meat drawer. I have a novel to edit, one to submit and one to begin but I need to drive her back to her mother, pay bills and start on laundry all before noon. I figure I can alternate laundry and editing and maybe...oh, and I'd better finish painting the arbor while the weather holds but I need to buy a new can of sealer while I am in town. Better pot up the porch plants before it freezes... well, the geraniums but not the begonias because they drop flowers... don't know what to do about the coleus... or what to pack for tomorrow's lunches. God knows i am sick of sandwiches and bananas ... oh, and I'd better check the left rear tire before I take off on the highway this morning...

whew! wasn't that better than a smelly old yak, even if i did take the liberty of adding a c? i know i feel better.

i wish that my bills would pay themselves

10-21-2012, 09:12 PM
Easy. Genie arranged for a meeting with your bank manager first thing tomorrow morning. Ask him about direct debit authorisation and your bills will take care of themselves.

I wish I remembered where I hid my nine piggy banks.

10-22-2012, 12:21 AM
Granted. You dropped them overboard when you were sailing over the Mariana Trench, thinking you would come back later and get them, because they would float. They didn't.

I wish ice cream were not so expensive.

10-22-2012, 12:59 PM
Granted. On Tuesday Oct. 23rd all ice cream parlous will experience a day-long power failure. Enjoy runny ice cream.

I wish everyone had sweet childhood memories.

10-23-2012, 12:36 AM
Granted. Sweet childhood memories have been implanted in every human mind. Since most were not actual memories of that individual, they don't absorb properly and massive insanity begins to plague the earth. It is fun to watch though.

I wish I had a perfectly ripe banana.

10-23-2012, 03:10 AM
Granted. You now have a pefectly ripe banana. However, you must eat it immediately or--oops, too late. It's now overripe. Here's another that's perfectly--nope, that one's gone too. You're going to have to get a lot faster at peeling them. Ready? Here comes another--still too slow!

I wish I could juggle objects with different shapes, like a chainsaw, an orange and an a pair of suspenders.

10-23-2012, 03:30 AM
Granted. In that order you juggle them once, then the chainsaw takes off a limb. Then you're juggling four! And on one leg! Bonus :)

I wish stupidity wasn't rewarded, ever!

10-23-2012, 07:33 AM
Granted. The Genie is transporting you to a planet in the Andromeda Galaxy, where stupidity is never rewarded. There is no way your wish can be granted here.

I wish the US military had more horses and bayonets. ;)

10-23-2012, 02:55 PM
Granted. Retraining the military personnel takes ages. Meanwhile, the Canucks invade from the North, the Mexicans from the other end. The (incapable) US army stands by as the neighbouring forces languish in a war. Eventually--thanks to horses and bayonets--all of North America comes under US control. ;)

I wish all soldiers were on the dole.

10-24-2012, 02:32 AM
Granted. Peace reigns over all the lands and soldiers have no use in society. They do still have those skills they were taught, however, and soon take over the world and rule with an iron fist. They're first act as our leaders is to abolish the dole.

I wish abused pets could bite their owners with no repercussions.

10-24-2012, 03:16 AM
Granted. Fido suffers no repercussions while you recuperate in the hospital.

I wish people who watch Fox News could be given a reality pill.

10-24-2012, 03:49 AM
Granted. And they choke on it because they only like being force fed BS. But they're all dead now so....PARTYYYYY!

I wish there was a school for paranormal research.

10-24-2012, 10:34 AM
Granted. The Academy for Weird Research, in Salem, Massachusetts, is a leading such institution, but it is only open on Halloween.

I wish I had a banana tree.

10-24-2012, 02:48 PM
Granted. In order to make your banana tree thrive, you need to relocate to a warmer and more hospitable area. Genie picked Laredo, Texas.

I wish Coca Cola were see-through.

10-24-2012, 07:43 PM
I wish Coca Cola were see-through

Granted. It's in a can called SPRITE.

I wish TSA would slip a dollar in my waistband after patting me down.

10-25-2012, 01:14 AM
Granted. But that's not all they slip in your waistband. ;)

I wish I could see what was in Pandora's box.

10-25-2012, 06:58 AM
Granted: Unfortunately, her husband catches the two of you and kills you both.

I wish I could opt out of political TV ads because I've already voted.

10-25-2012, 07:31 AM
Unfortunately denied. You haven't actually cast your ballot yet so you have to suffer with the rest of us. Or dream up ways of making them suffer...

I wish there was a committee whose sole purpose was to design ways to make political campaigns suffer.

10-25-2012, 07:40 AM
Granted. But your wish is unnecessary. Two such committees already exist--the Republican National Committee and the Democratic National Committee.

I wish no nut jobs were allowed to run for public office.

10-26-2012, 03:18 AM
Granted. 'Nut job' being a fairly loose and subjective term results in no one running for any office. Which of course means that all incumbents have a job for life. When they start becoming befuddled, Coca Cola and Microsoft take over the country with, sadly, little resistance.

I wish all puppy mill 'farmers' had to spend 7 years living in the conditions they make the dogs live in.

11-09-2012, 05:08 AM
Genie grants his own wish to keep this thread alive. Puppy mill farmers not only have to spend the seven years living in the inhumane conditions they subject the dogs to, but in the background will be audio of every speech Mitt Romney made during the campaign on an endless loop.

I wish this thread was reborn.

11-09-2012, 07:39 AM
O.K., Genie has granted your wish for this thread to be reborn. You will, however, have to breast-feed it for six months.

I wish my picture was on the hundred dollar bill.

11-09-2012, 08:01 AM
Granted. The clerk at the 7-11 where you attempt to spend the counterfeit bill calls the feds, and with your picture on the bill and the video footage from the store, it's an open and shut case and you are sent to federal prison.

I wish amiable aliens would come to earth and forge an alliance with humanity.

11-09-2012, 12:55 PM
Granted. They come bearing flowers and fruit. They sing the praises of our beautiful planet. They lull all Earthlings with a vision of peace among all the planets in the universe, and they lead us into an enormous amphitheater--not very different from the Roman Colloseum--where they say they will sign a pledge of peace but actually unleash fiery, flying beasts that wipe out humanity. Oh, the humanity!

I wish I had more originality.

11-09-2012, 04:58 PM
Granted. Genie picked a creative writing class. Drachen Jager, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, is in charge. As such, he not only acts as guarantor for originality, but also as literary agent to get you a contract with PublishAmerica.

I wish I knew what publishing is all about.

11-09-2012, 10:42 PM
Granted. But first I want to clarify...you did say all about, yes? Ok, you now have all of the information about publishing, worldwide, in every language, the ins and outs of the industry. Your mind cannot properly digest all that information, however, and you end up licking the window of the bus that takes you to the insane asylum.

I wish I had a cherry flavored popsicle.

11-10-2012, 12:28 AM
Granted: The Genie whisks you off to Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia where it is early spring, and already quite hot. He hands you a fiver and points you to a store. When you come out with your cherry flavored popsicle you discover that the Genie is gone. Good luck getting home.

I wish the things I need to do were as enticing as the things I want to do.

11-10-2012, 12:37 AM
Granted. Now all the menial tasks of life give you so much pleasure that you don't want to do anything else.

I wish my karoke singing didn't make people want to pummel me.

11-10-2012, 01:20 PM
Granted. For a start, only imitate artists whose voice and / or pitch resembles yours. In addition, please make sure to pick songs where the music speaks for itself.

I wish I were a beautiful woman who could twist men around her little finger.

11-10-2012, 02:25 PM
Granted. You are a beautiful woman. But in order for you to be able to twist men around your little finger, the Genie has had to send you to Lilliput, where you are large enough to perform this action, and the men are small enough to be twisted.

I wish I looked grotesque for a day, so I could find out how such a person is treated by others.

11-10-2012, 04:18 PM
Granted. As you may well know, grotesqueness is in the eye of the beholder. Do you want Genie to send you a summary of what earthlings have been saying about your looks?

I wish I knew with whom Ms Hilton has been having an affair.

11-10-2012, 09:38 PM
Granted. Me. She has a thing for Genies.

I wish my latest story would captivate readers worldwide.

11-10-2012, 10:19 PM
Granted. Your story has captivated readers worldwide to the point where they can think of nothing else except they must have more. You try frantically to keep producing stories, but your overburdened creativity is failing. Thousands of readers have left their homes and jobs and converged on your house, their numbers growing by the hour. Inside, your fingers race frantically over the keyboard while they chant more...more...more.... The power fails and your computer shuts off. As the lights go out, you hear windows breaking....

I wish I could be invisible whenever I wanted.

11-10-2012, 10:59 PM

(being able to read invisible messages is a nice additional bonus, isn't it?)
I wish Caesar, Karl Marx and Bill Gates would come over to play Monopoly with me.

11-11-2012, 12:03 AM
Granted. Bob Caesar from accounting, Ralph 'Karl' Marx from the pizza place down the street, and Billy Gates, your four year old neighbor, are on their way over.

I wish birds would suddenly appear every time you are near.

11-11-2012, 03:30 AM
Granted: Ahhh! I'm in a Hitchcock film! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Birds_%28film%29)

I wish for vegan/kosher bacon.

11-11-2012, 03:59 AM
Granted. Whew! This one took some doing but I think I pulled it off. Do you realize how hard it is to breed a pig and a legume?? Now, it's not pretty by any stretch of the imagination, and it does just kind of flounder on the ground but it will give you what you wished for. Oh, it's smiling at me...good lord it has teeth. Bye.

I wish insanity was contagious.

11-11-2012, 01:15 PM
Instantly granted!! Genie trusts you'll enjoy watching mankind's demise.

I wish meat were more expensive.

11-11-2012, 05:41 PM
Granted! In the interest of becoming a viable third party, the National libertarians organize voter drives for swines(the "correct" word for "pig"), chickens, cattle, equines and sheep/goats.

This leaves only one viable meat source -- lawyers. And they charge by the hour!

I wish I could change places with my Bizarro world/alternate dimension self (you know, the cool me.)

11-11-2012, 09:56 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, Bizarro world has been on the brink of annihilation for some time and switching your two selves was the catalyst for total destruction. Your Bizarro self is thriving here, however :)

I wish Pink Floyd would get back together and play a concert in my back yard.

11-12-2012, 04:16 AM
Granted: Minutes into the concert the police arrive and you are arrested and charged with scores of permit, zoning, and sound abatement violations. On the bright side, you did get to hear the first few bars of Another Brick in the Wall. The irony is not lost on you as you sit in your cell.

I wish we could have one more nice day before we have to cover the barbeque grill.

11-12-2012, 04:25 AM
Granted. One more nice day arrives. However, late in the previous night your barbecue was stolen. The thieves are enjoying a feast right now (they stole the steaks from someone else).

I wish we'd stolen more bratwursts.

11-12-2012, 06:49 AM
Granted, but Genie wonders why you didn't just ask for more bratwursts. Now the police have you cornered. Because of bratwurst. Geez.

I wish I could sleep for more than four hours at a time.

11-12-2012, 10:35 AM
Granted. Genie strongly recommends to change your diet: Stop eating greasy Bratwürste and you'll sleep like a log.

I wish to meet Kurt Cobain one day.

11-12-2012, 11:18 AM
Granted. But there's only one way to do that, and we at AW will be sorry to see you go.

I wish I didn't have so many printer problems.

11-12-2012, 10:33 PM
GRANTED! the genie says in its big booming voice. Thou shall not experience any printer problems ever in your life, the curse of your printing woes has been passed on to your most cherished loved one, the annoyances and heartaches and jamming issues multiplied by infinity. They will be by very soon to thank you.

I wish turkeys didn't take so long to cook.

11-13-2012, 03:28 AM
Granted. Genie has given turkeys opposable thumbs and they are a wiz in the kitchen now.

I wish global warming was a thing of the past.

11-13-2012, 03:34 AM
Granted. Global warming has stopped, now that the earth's temperature has risen to the point where you don't need an oven to cook a turkey--you just leave it out on the porch for a couple hours. Pray the air conditioning doesn't pack it in inside.

I wish I was as smart as I think I am.

11-13-2012, 03:44 AM
Granted. However, Genie probably should have waited for a time when your self esteem was somewhat higher. The nurse will be in shortly to wipe the drool from your chin.

I wish angels would descend from the heavens and take away all strife.

11-13-2012, 01:58 PM
It has been granted before and didn't work. Look Druid, if there is nothing left to quarrel about, Earthlings will become bored and insidious.

I wish turkeys had the brains to come up with a plan B.

11-13-2012, 02:41 PM
Granted. Plan B is tapping into their inner ninja, so they can over-power and switch roles with whoever tries to stick a turkey baster up their ass.

I wish I didn't feel threatened by poultry.

11-13-2012, 02:45 PM
Granted. You feel threatened by hummingbirds.

I wish my clothes would magically wash themselves.

11-13-2012, 07:27 PM
Granted. However, they'll only wash themselves while you're wearing them, rinse cycle not included.

I wish I had a remote control that changed a red light to green for me.

11-13-2012, 08:09 PM
Granted. You approach a traffic light, you press the remote, green–CRASH. *shakes head* why are Earthlings so suicidal?

I wish you could try my lovely Irish stew.

11-13-2012, 09:10 PM
Granted. The Genie, ignorant of your real intentions, tried your "lovely Irish stew" and spent three days having his stomach pumped.. So you didn't like some of the wishes he's been granting you! Couldn't you have found another way of expressing your pique?

I wish I didn't have house flies.

11-13-2012, 09:36 PM
Granted. House flies only come to your house because you eat inside your house, don't you? Genie reckons all flies will be gone once you store all food in the cellar and eat outside whenever possible.

I wish you could taste my Irish stew.

11-13-2012, 09:49 PM
Granted, but only if I can add English Joe, Scots McDougal, annnnnd, American John doe. Variety is the key to a good diet.

I wish I could pull the batteries out my kids.

11-13-2012, 10:46 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, much like with electronic devices, when the batteries are removed the memory is reset. Depending on how old your children are, potty training this time around could prove to be interesting.

I wish there were more hours in every day.

11-14-2012, 12:20 AM
Granted: The Genie slows down the earth adding four hours to the 24-hour day. Unfortunately for you, Parkinson's Law tells us that, Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. That being the case,you won’t actually have any more free time than before.

I wish something pleasantly exciting would happen to me.

11-14-2012, 12:50 AM
Granted. You have just won $20 on a scratch lottery ticket. Of course the pleasant part is overshadowed by the fact you spent $25 to win it.

11-14-2012, 10:32 AM
Denied. Genie refuses to guess what your wish was.

I wish I had a corncob pipe.

11-14-2012, 02:16 PM
Conditionally granted. Genie also wants to have a puff.

I wish none of my loudmouthed neighbours is invited to attend tonight's panel discussion.

Chris P
11-14-2012, 02:21 PM
Granted, but that's because they are holding their own panel discussion in your driveway, start time 1:30 am.

I wish my lunch today would be different than the usual.

11-14-2012, 03:09 PM
Granted. Today it will be served with a pickle.

I wish I could write a novel in 24 hours.