View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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07-07-2012, 04:28 AM
boson and higgs are the sons of zilpurah by nephthali. boson later married the philistine tammy lynn. --s6

i wish i had paid more attention in bible story class

07-07-2012, 04:37 AM
Granted. You paid more attention in Bible story class. That's why you are now a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, in Topeka.

I wish Mitt Romney wouldn't flip-flop so much.

07-07-2012, 04:38 AM
Curse the wild haired one! Curse him!

07-07-2012, 09:16 AM
The Genie will interpret that as a wish and bestow appropriate curses. ;)

I wish I had a pomegranate.

07-07-2012, 09:43 AM
OK, you now have a palm o' granite, although what earthly use...Oh, I see...er, I'm afraid Genie's eyesight isn't what it used to be. Genie will get back to you asap. In the meantime, don't swat any mosquitos.

I wish the cat would stop looking at me like that.

07-07-2012, 02:48 PM
I wish the cat would stop looking at me like that.

Granted ..

After last night the cat is looking at you a 'nuther way.

I wish I knew what a labaster was, is, can be

07-07-2012, 04:55 PM
wish granted-- you can infer the meaning from context in this sentence:
labaster porter is up early this a.m.

i wish i had wiped the copper paint i used to touch up my garden fountain from off my fingers before i touched my keyboard

07-07-2012, 06:27 PM
Granted. You wiped the copper paint on your tablecloth.

I wish I had an avocado.

07-07-2012, 07:13 PM
wish granted--here are the mummified remains of the 66$ patio avocado tree that i sent my daughter in florida for christmas. in florida? did you catch that? any moron should be able to grow an avocado in florida but apparently the fact that they need water totally escaped her. if you bump into my grand daughter while you are picking up the tree, let me know. i worry about her.

i wish my grapes would automatically squeeze themselves into fine wine

07-07-2012, 08:41 PM
Denied. The grapes have laid an official complaint with the grape union. They refuse to succumb to the pressure of your whim.
I wish I had the inspiration to write.

07-07-2012, 09:28 PM
Granted. You have the inspiration, but everything you write is trash.

I wish I could free all prisoners who were wrongly convicted.

07-07-2012, 10:12 PM
that's a little nitpicky, don't you think? i'm just going to free them all and you can review each case on it's own merits. coming to a beighborhood near you: TRUE CRIME. you'll wish docudrama when this is over.

i wish each of my returning seniors would mature and grow a conscience over the summer.

07-08-2012, 04:46 AM
Failed: The seniors are too set in their ways and crouchety. They beat you down with thier AARP cards and shoulder bags and pretend not to understand what your really saying. They call you a "doughnut" and leave you lying on the floor covered in used hearing aid packages, depends, and senior discount coupons.

I wish, wallstreet exec's had to live like average people.

07-08-2012, 05:02 AM
Granted. The Genie has heard that Mitt Romney is an average guy. From now on, Wall Street execs have to live like Mitt Romney.

I wish I had the goose that lays golden eggs.

07-08-2012, 05:07 AM
Failed: The goose is currently have a bought of constipation. No eggs, or much of anything else at this time. Try back next week after the prunes have had a chance to work.

I wish I was an un-indited wallstreet exec.

07-08-2012, 05:12 AM
Granted, but it's Saturday. The indictment against you won't come down until Monday.

I wish I had a papaya.

07-08-2012, 05:26 PM
Granted. The Genie asked monsteR to send you a papaya, which means it has to travel all the way from SA to New York. I stuffed it in an envelope. It should get there in a few weeks. I'm almost sure I labelled it as fragile...

I wish I had time to take a roadtrip somewhere nice.

07-08-2012, 06:13 PM
Forget Georgia, and California and anywhere you can run. You can go to Greece and the Isles of Greece, sip champagne on a yacht but you can never get to paradise unless you have been to YOU. (and it is a hell of a lot cheaper with gas what it is today.) (apologies to charlene for screwing up her lyrics) --s6

i wish i could be a piano bar singer in a black cocktail dress

07-08-2012, 07:11 PM
Granted. You are a singer at Joe's Diner on the edge of town. You wear your black cocktail dress and sit at an out-of-tune upright piano next to the pool table, trying to be heard over the jokes and laughter of the patrons, who are always drunk.

I wish I had a homburg.

07-08-2012, 08:25 PM
(it's still better than being a grammy with her hand in a thumb splint and a carpet to vacuum.)

okay--here is your homburg. i'm throwing in an umbrella. you look just like jeeves. except that you are passing through st. john kansas when your car stalls out and you must ask for help at the local cowboy bar! just for spite i am going to give you a bertie wooster accent.

i wish i could be at the cantina when nymmie walks through the door

07-08-2012, 08:40 PM
Granted. You have a fair view of the door from your position behind the piano. You sing beautifully, capturing the audience. But when Nymtoc shows up, everyone runs to the door to greet him and bask in his spellbinding aura. Not only do you lose your audience, but they block your view of Nymtoc.
I wish the weekend wasn't over.

07-08-2012, 11:52 PM
Granted. You will now repeat the last day of this weekend over and over and over again. Forever.

I wish I lived somewhere else.

07-09-2012, 01:14 AM
Granted - just a tragedy that there's no more air up there, in the "Sea of Tranquillity", than is strapped to your back.

I wish my internet service providers never had to do any server maintenance ...

07-09-2012, 04:12 AM
Granted. The Genie has transported you to North Korea, where there is only one internet service provider, which (since the people who run it will be shot if anything goes wrong) never needs maintenance.

I wish I had a chocolate sundae with marshmallow syrup, cherries and chopped walnuts.

07-09-2012, 06:01 AM
Granted. But then you'll get so hungry for sweets you'll gain 50 pounds, which won't be good.

I wish I had a million dollars.

07-09-2012, 06:03 AM
Granted. But your chocolate bill comes to $1000,000.01

I wish I could speak fluent French.

07-09-2012, 06:08 AM
Granted. Your French is fluent, but your accent is so atrocious that no one can understand you.

I wish I knew what it feels like to be Canadian.

07-09-2012, 06:13 AM
Granted. You move to Montreal and begin accumulating traffic tickets.
I wish never to experience 100 degrees in the shade again.

07-09-2012, 07:10 AM
Granted. All shade disappears from your world. But it's still 100 degrees.

I wish some rich relative I never really cared about would leave me a fortune in his will.

07-09-2012, 07:14 AM
Granted. A rich relative leaves you a cat named Fortune. Fortune hates you on sight. You cannot get rid of Fortune without incurring your relative's curse.
I wish there were electronic readers that could hold a million books.

07-09-2012, 07:42 AM
Granted. There are electronic readers that can hold a million books. They cost a million dollars each.

I wish I knew how to hypnotize people.

07-09-2012, 03:01 PM
Denied. Genie feels you'd abuse this power and make everyone traipse around in glass slippers.

I wish this day wasn't so bizarre.

07-09-2012, 05:37 PM
Granted. Once you put on the glass slippers, the day will be perfectly normal--until midnight, that is.

I wish I had a great book in me.

07-09-2012, 05:44 PM
Granted. But you're gonna need a LOT of Metamucil to move that sucker.

I wish I had a swimming pool.

07-09-2012, 06:28 PM
granted. and with this model you don't even need an air pump. just pucker up and blow!

i wish this rain would last all day as a gentle sprinkle--no funnel clouds, no lightning, no hail.

07-10-2012, 05:22 AM
Semi-granted. The Genie didn't get around to your wish till the end of the day, so you got whatever you got. But he promises that you'll have thunderstorms tomorrow, and sleet and hail and a funnel cloud or two. That's not what you wanted? Sorry. You can't expect the Genie to grant wishes that go against the Gods of the Winds.

I wish people would learn to rely on facts instead of bumper stickers.

07-10-2012, 08:42 AM
Granted. Everone now relies on facts. Unfortunately, everybody has a different idea of what they are and 'fact wars' break out. These are resolved by the National Enquirer.

I wish people would be reasonable and do things my way.

07-10-2012, 08:57 AM
Granted. But for people to do things your way, they have to get your approval, and since there are seven billion people in the world, you receive seven billion requests each day--more than that, in fact, because most people have more than one thing they want to do each day. Your house is flooded with letters. Your computer explodes. Your iPad (if you have one) shatters. Your phone goes haywire and electrocutes your neighbor's dog. You run and hide and beg for your wish to be undone. Whether it gets undone or not is up to me, your friendly Genie.

I wish the weather here would be great next week, because I have visitors coming from the West Coast.

07-10-2012, 03:05 PM
Granted. But the Genie's idea of great weather includes a snowstorm with random bouts of hail. :Shrug: It's a matter of taste...

I wish my eyesight was better.

07-10-2012, 03:11 PM
I wish my eyesight was better.

While we are at it let's take care of your senses of smell, hearing, taste, touch and ESP.

Good luck in trying to sleep for the next few weeks

I wish I didn't know Deandre

07-10-2012, 03:17 PM
Granted. The Genie has hacked into your brain and deleted Deandre and any relations to the name. Unfortunately, while the Genie was plugged in, it transmitted a virus that is spreading rapidly through your braincells. You will forget everyone you know within 24 hours.

I wish I understood why Porter and bettielee have the same weird metallic avi. *new craze?*

07-11-2012, 07:57 AM
Granted, but it doesn't do you any good, because Porter changes his avi every five minutes.

I wish UFOs would stop buzzing my house.

07-11-2012, 08:33 AM
Granted. The UFOs have stopped buzzing your house--they're now landing on your roof and all the interstellar travel brochures show pictures of you. They describe you as "//vqqpriinn " As far as the Genie can translate, it means "juicy."

I wish I had won a free trip to London to see the Olympics.

07-11-2012, 08:49 AM
Granted. You won a free trip to London to see the Olympics, but you must work as a ticket-taker most of the time and only get to see badminton and dressage. Also, you have to pay for your hotel bill and meals, which will come to a total of 3,311.00 ($5,248.00).

I wish someone would bring me breakfast in bed every morning.

07-11-2012, 02:43 PM
Granted. Her name is Atta. She weighs 500 pounds and breathes heavily as she leans over you to hand you your breakfast. She stands and watches you with an eerie adoration as you consume every little scrap (think Stephen King's novel, Misery;)). Soon she decides the two of you will live happily ever after... but permanently chaining you to the bed, would be best. Good luck with her.

I wish I could have the day off work tomorrow to write, as I'm finally inspired.

07-11-2012, 02:51 PM
I wish I could have the day off work tomorrow to write, as I'm finally inspired.

.. but you'll be sober tomorrow

I wish something else would come out of ducks when I squeeze them

07-11-2012, 02:56 PM
Granted. Genie gives you the strength to squeeze hard enough. What comes out of the duck is blood and guts. Best of luck cleaning that up.

I wish I was able to sketch.

07-11-2012, 05:59 PM
Granted - as an exchange for your writing abilities. Good luck in the Absolute Draw forum, when you find it.

I wish check-in times at airports weren't so early.

07-11-2012, 06:54 PM
Granted. But in order to benefit from the later check-in times, you must do a nude pole dance in front of a team of grinning security guards (this speeds up their ability to scan you for weapons or something).

I wish I were better at reading Latin.

07-11-2012, 07:09 PM
Granted - but I suspect you may, in the long run, regret exchanging one set of language-skills for another: re-learning English in adulthood is probably no trivial matter.

I wish I could solve all long, complicated, multi-word anagrams in my head just by looking at the words.

07-11-2012, 11:08 PM
Denied. At least until Nymtoc sees that pole dance. *Nymtoc, you're very welcome. My check better be in the mail* :D

I wish I had endless funds to buy books.

07-11-2012, 11:18 PM
Granted, but the only books you can buy were written by chimpanzees in an animal lab experiment.

I wish I could fill in for a judge and render my own verdicts in sensational murder cases.

07-11-2012, 11:39 PM
I wish I could fill in for a judge and render my own verdicts in sensational murder cases.

The first six cases will, amazingly, be rendered in cases involving members of the same 'family'. They haven't scheduled the seventh yet but you should probably bone up on Columbian Spanish.

I wish the guppies would be quiet

07-12-2012, 04:19 AM
Granted, but instead of offending your auditory senses, now the guppies are offending your olfactory senses.

I wish this weekend was a holiday.

07-12-2012, 04:42 AM
Granted, because you have been expelled from school, cannot find a job and have absolutely nothing to do. Starting now--for you--all weekends will be holidays.

I wish people would take my writing seriously.

07-12-2012, 03:20 PM
Granted. Genie's taking your wishing post very seriously. Am frowning as I read it and everything.

I wish I would stop drawing blank when thinking up a wish.

07-12-2012, 03:24 PM
I wish I would stop drawing blank when thinking up a wish.


you are now drawing live ammo

I wish I had a clue

07-12-2012, 03:33 PM
Granted. Genie has decided to send you clues to a murder mystery in the mail. The case involves the recent killing of guppies *you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?*

I wish I could stay longer.

*Bye Porter. Glad to see you look like yourself again :)*

07-12-2012, 09:54 PM
Granted, but you never understand what you're doing here.

I wish I could visit every country in the world.

07-12-2012, 10:43 PM
Granted. But you suffer from jet lag every minute of your travels. Enjoy.
I wish someone would send me flowers.

07-12-2012, 11:02 PM
Granted. Sadly, they're in a funeral wreath. (You really should have looked both ways before crossing.)

I wish my neighbor's kid would quit riding his motorcycle home at 2:00 a.m.

07-12-2012, 11:18 PM
Granted. He rides his motorcycle home at 3 a.m.

I wish a certain company would send me a refund on a defective product I returned, instead of making me go through all kinds of silly hoops.

07-13-2012, 12:32 AM
Denied. Refunds cannot be given for "personal massagers" under any circumstances. Sorry, sir.

I wish I had a margarita. Or one of those other pretty slushy drinks with the little umbrellas and stuff sticking out the top.

07-13-2012, 02:50 AM
Granted. One, get yourself a few dollars. Two, move your arse to the nearest bar. Three, order.

I wish my divorce won't leave me homeless.

07-13-2012, 03:15 AM
Granted. You won't be homeless, but... you remember that scene from How the Grinch Stole Christmas where the Grinch cleans out the house? Takes the nails out of the walls and everything?

Yeah. She even takes your last can of Who Hash.

(Here, dude--have a margarita.)

I wish my neighbors would stop firing guns all day.

07-13-2012, 03:46 AM
Granted. They have switched to crossbows, which they aim at your windows.

I wish my downstairs neighbor didn't keep asking me to go buy bananas.

07-13-2012, 04:04 AM
Granted. They now ask you to buy condoms, tampons, feminine deodorant spray, wart remover, and stool-softening capsules. Have fun with that.

I wish I lived in NYC again so I could get Chinese food and falafel anytime I wanted it.

07-13-2012, 08:53 AM
Granted. You live on Rikers Island, the city's main jail complex. You are incarcerated there, awaiting trial. (In order to get Chinese food and falafel, however, you'll have to bribe the guards.)

I wish I had an iguana.

07-13-2012, 02:51 PM
Granted. Genie's feeling generous and will throw in a boa constrictor as bonus. Enjoy your herps.

I wish next week will go better than this one.

07-13-2012, 03:50 PM
Granted. But, unfortunately, only at the cost of the following weeks. Commiserations in advance ...

I wish they made parking-spaces slightly longer.

07-13-2012, 11:11 PM
Granted. Genie stretches the parking spaces in length for you, so they're longer...only now they're also very narrow. Good luck fitting your car.

I wish I had a hot date lined up this weekend.

07-14-2012, 12:29 AM
Granted. He's a handsome Aztec who needs someone to sacrifice to a volcano. He'll pick you up at 7. Wear something asbestos.

I wish I had a chocolate fudge sundae with walnuts.

07-14-2012, 01:13 AM
Granted, but unfortunately it's laced with strychnine - be very careful where you dispose of it.

I wish I could buy nice picture-frames for a small fraction of what they actually cost.

07-14-2012, 01:24 AM
Granted. After the Great Picture-Frame Thefts at the Louvre, a guy on the street offers you some beautiful frames at incredibly low prices. You buy several, and the next day there is a knock at your door, and two police officers...but you know the rest...

I wish some politician, somewhere, would tell the truth today. (That's not asking too much, is it, Genie?)

07-14-2012, 01:28 AM
Granted, but opposition spokesmen in Tajikistan are believed by nobody, so it makes no difference at all and is never even reported.

I wish I could think of some novels with legal terms as their titles.

07-14-2012, 04:52 AM
Granted. You have thought of several novels with legal terms as their titles, but they are all in Paeonian, a language that has been extinct for more than 2,000 years.

I wish I had a better understanding of nuclear physics.

07-14-2012, 07:31 AM
Not granted. The Genie fears you would use the knowledge to build nuclear-powered propellers for beanies.

I wish the Schottische would become popular again.

07-14-2012, 08:02 AM
Granted. The Schottische is popular again, but only among folks in the asylum. You're in luck, though, because you're already there.

I wish a certain lady friend would stop trying to get me to eat certain things because she thinks they are yummy, but I don't think they are yummy, so that's why I wish she would stop.

07-14-2012, 08:23 AM
Assuming this request is directed toward the General Audiences Genie and not the NC-17 Genie... granted.

You suddenly develop a taste for the balut-and-lutefisk casserole that your lady friend has been pushing at you. You can't believe how delicious steamed duck embryos and old cod taste when sprinkled with panko and baked in an ovensafe dish at 350 degrees until golden brown.

I wish I could sleep.

07-15-2012, 12:47 AM
Granted. Genie waves a hand and you fall into a deep sleep. Now you just have to wait for the prince to arrive, so he can wake you with a kiss.

I wish for a productive day tomorrow.

07-15-2012, 01:44 AM
Granted. On Sunday you'll get into a writing frenzy--10.000 words. A week on Sunday you'll be looking at a rough first draft of no more than a few hundred words. Have a deleting time,


I wish I had curly hair.

07-15-2012, 01:50 AM
I wish I had curly hair.

You need to re-evaluate your hygene routuine if you are are not already aware that you have.

I wish everybody would stop braiding my beard.

07-15-2012, 01:54 AM
I wish everybody would stop braiding my beard.

Granted -- and you will also have no hair to speak of. No more braids, then.

I wish I could eat chocolate ice cream.

07-15-2012, 06:12 PM
Granted. But only after you have eaten a metric ton of turnips (the company overstocked on them.)

I wish I had a limousine.

07-15-2012, 06:59 PM
I wish I could buy nice picture-frames for a small fraction of what they actually cost.

Granted you buy a four by four frame for 59.60. It was made by a renowned artist from pliable plastic. Unfortunately the plastic is C4 and you will learn the actual cost when you light the candle next to it and get the damage report a little after the fire truck leaves

I wish I had a bottle of porcupines.

07-15-2012, 09:44 PM
Granted. Genie's sent you a limousine, Porter. And Nymtoc, your porcupines are on their way. Or was that the other way around... :Shrug: oh well.

I wish I was taller so I didn't have to keep looking up when talking to people.

07-15-2012, 10:03 PM
Granted. The Genie has decided to be extra generous this time. You are nine feet (274.32 cm) tall and are listed in Guinness World Records as "The World's Tallest Human."

I wish I had no worries.

07-15-2012, 10:58 PM
Granted. Genie's sent you a batch of special brownies. Eat a couple and you won't remember any worries. Warning: does come with giggling side effect during consumption, and raging hunger afterwards. Enjoy :)

I wish I could play guitar.

07-16-2012, 01:24 AM
Granted. You can play air guitar.

I wish my computer didn't crash so often.

07-16-2012, 03:47 AM
Granted. But now your car does.

I wish I could make up my mind.

07-16-2012, 06:28 AM
Granted. You make up your mind to make up your mind tomorrow.

I wish I had a pineapple.

07-16-2012, 06:32 AM
Granted, but it's 7 months old.

I wish I had a mansion.

07-16-2012, 07:12 AM


It may need a little work.

I wish I could play the trombone.

07-16-2012, 02:50 PM
Denied. Your neighbours heard of your evil trombone plans and drew up a petition with a hundred signatures. Genie received this and must fall in with their decision, or risk unrest.

I wish for a lovely, peaceful afternoon.

07-16-2012, 08:56 PM
Denied. Your neighbours heard of your evil trombone plans and drew up a petition with a hundred signatures. Genie received this and must fall in with their decision, or risk unrest.

I wish for a lovely, peaceful afternoon.

*ahem* Genies do not bow to peer pressure, public pressure, or even water pressure. Therefore...


You have lovely, peaceful afternoon, listening to Nymtoc play the trombone. I'll even toss in the angry mob for free.


Win-win for everyone.

I wish I could just cancel class. Well, okay, I *could* but I shouldn't. So I wish I could justifiably cancel class.

07-16-2012, 09:13 PM
Granted. You have sighted a fleet of UFOs, and your immediate presence is required by the the Department of Defense. Regrettably, you must cancel class.

I wish I could compose a trombone concerto and play it with the New York Philharmonic.

07-16-2012, 09:49 PM
Granted. You are possessed by the spirit of Tommy Dorsey. Your consciousness takes a back seat in your own mind while he toot-tootles you into tromboney fame and fortune. Unfortunately, your body is very comfortable and Tom doesn't want to give it up. You spend the rest of your mortal lifespan riding shotgun in your own brain.

I wish Hollywood would stop *&%#ing with perfectly good movies by cranking out atrocious remakes.

07-16-2012, 10:59 PM
Granted. Genie sabotages the re-made films, so all anyone sees on the big screen is a smirking furry alien. :D

I wish I could play the African drum to counter Nymtoc's trombone.

07-17-2012, 02:46 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you and Nymtoc must always play together and the only tune you both know is "Here Comes the Bride." Strangely, very few brides wish to hear your version at their nuptials.

I wish I knew if the headline I saw in a supermarket tabloid is true: Baby Born With Wooden Leg!

07-17-2012, 02:38 PM
Granted. Arr! Shiver me timbers! That baby was a hybrid, created from DNA taken from a hardy tree and a woman, who was promised she'd be the next Mary Magdalene. No idea why she thought a pirate kid would be the next messiah.

I wish I could get the tune "Here comes the bride" out of my head.

07-17-2012, 06:33 PM

Here. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhSc8qVMjKM)

I wish the semester was over and I could take my vacation now.

07-17-2012, 07:17 PM
Granted. The semester is over, and now that you've received your pink slip, your vacation will be endless.

I wish I had a Stuz Bearcat.

07-17-2012, 07:30 PM

(Genie had to look up what a Stutz Bearcat was, first.) I have shipped you all the pieces for a Stutz Bearcat. They are a little rusty, and will need cleaned, painted, etc. And I don't seem to have an assembly manual, so you're on your own with that. But, you own one.

I wish my garden would water itself.

07-17-2012, 07:43 PM
Granted! You now have abandoned-feeling, mutated plants that are out to get you. But, hey, they water themselves, right?

I wish I had an apple pie!

07-17-2012, 08:38 PM
Granted - but how you're going to feed the 14 unexpected dinner guests with just an apple pie remains a mystery.

I wish I were more awake, today.

07-17-2012, 08:57 PM

You shall be awake today... and the rest of the week. The insomnia-based insanity should kick in around Thursday or Friday.

I wish my peas would survive the heat wave.

07-17-2012, 11:49 PM
Granted. All fleas survive the heat wave by taking shelter in your house. They multiply, they bite... Which means itchy skin for you, but bless your animal-loving heart for worrying about them.
Oh you said peas. Oops. monsteR couldn't hear you over the link ;)

I wish I had a puppy.

07-18-2012, 12:38 AM
Granted. You had a puppy yesterday. The story and your photo are prominently featured in the National Enquirer under the headline Woman Gives Birth to Labrador Retriever!

I wish I was a tour guide at the candy factory.

07-18-2012, 03:17 AM
I wish I could play the African drum to counter Nymtoc's trombone.

the genie is not going to spend half of the rest of his life filling out paperwork to allow export/import of the components of a real African drum.

I wish I could find a publisher for "The Endangered Species Cook Book"

07-18-2012, 03:19 AM
I also wish I had finished reading the threaqd before posting and was not too lazy to fix my mistake now.

07-18-2012, 02:51 PM

Granted. You end up self-publishing "The Endangered Species Cook Book" and soon after begin fearing for your life as Greenpeace is after you.

The second wish is denied. Genie likes watching you be you :D

I wish I wasn't so fearful of eating the things Porter cooked.

07-18-2012, 03:21 PM
I wish I wasn't so fearful of eating the things Porter cooked.

Granted .. Remember all of those senses you wished for a while back? They're history along with another one ... common

I wish I had a kilo of Saffron to smoke

07-18-2012, 03:25 PM
Denied. The Genie's already smoked it and has none to spare.

I wish I had energy to get back to work.

07-18-2012, 04:47 PM

Just let me hook that cable up there... and if you'd be so kind as to hold this... Yeah, like that. And then the bite plate...

*dons protective goggles*

*throws switch*

Don't mind that smell of ozone and burnt hair. Perfectly natural.


I wish I'd gotten more sleep last night.

07-18-2012, 05:52 PM
Granted. Yesterday you came down with Encephalitis lethargica, a form of sleeping sickness (Wikipedia: "The disease attacks the brain, leaving some victims in a statue-like condition, speechless and motionless"). You slept very well last night. In fact, you will sleep soundly for the next 20 years. :e2zzz:

I wish I had a Ferrari.

07-18-2012, 07:00 PM

You own a 1961 Ferrari 250GT. Less than a hundred were made.

Then your kid's best friend convinces him they need to borrow the car as they go out on the town for the day (instead of being in school, like they are supposed to be). By the time you come home, there will be new, Ferrari-sized hole in the back wall of your garage, and your Ferrari will be parked in a tree.

I wish those energy drink things actually worked as advertised.

07-18-2012, 11:09 PM
Granted. You have to learn to read between the lines. Genie hands you special goggles to see the invisible script. It reads: we're lying and have our fingers crossed for a placebo effect; this crap will never work.

I wish I was incapable of hurting people's feelings.

07-19-2012, 03:44 AM
Granted. You are unable to say no and have no spare time because everybody wants you to do something.
I wish there was such a thing as a free lunch.

07-19-2012, 04:54 AM
Granted. From now on, you are first in line every day at the Central City Mission. Lunch is free, but you sleep on the street every night.

I wish I could write a hit song about continental drift.

07-19-2012, 07:57 AM
Granted. You write a song called "The Earth Moved." It is recorded by Justin Bieber and shoots to the top of the charts--with Bieber listed as composer-lyricist. You spend thousands of hours--and thousands of dollars--trying to establish your legitimate ownership of the song, but to no avail. "The Earth Moved," with music and lyrics by Justin Bieber, becomes the biggest-selling single in history.

I wish I had a pastrami sandwich.

07-19-2012, 08:45 AM
Granted, but Justin Bieber makes it and serves it to you while he sings "The Earth Moved" directly to you in front of the cameras filming his new video. Then he cuts your hair to look just like his.

I wish more people admired me for my mind.

07-19-2012, 09:20 AM
Granted. A small gratuity to the village idiot has caused him to admire you for your mind.

I wish I understood why E=MC2 and not MC3.

07-19-2012, 03:14 PM
Granted. Genie hands you a Ouija board and some candles. You now have all the tools to contact Einstein and try and get him to explain it to you. Good luck with that creepy endeavour.

I wish I had fudge.

07-19-2012, 04:59 PM

You have fudge. Which you bring into work. And then your coworkers steal it all from you, because you politely offer them some and still can't hurt anyone's feelings by saying "No, you've had six pieces already, you can't have another."

If you lick the wax paper it came on, you might get the faint impression of fudge, though.

I wish it wasn't too hot to bake cookies.

07-19-2012, 05:20 PM
well i can't do much about the weather but i can blink my grand daughters into your kitchen to bake those cookies for you! they are staying with me for the summer and love to bake cookies. it was 110* yesterday so i sent them to the pool instead but their incessant whining to bake cookies is about to be answered.

they are ten and seven and prone to batter spilling and beater hi jinx. one will make the beater spray to "junk up" the other's hair. the little one thinks the cat should be called in for taste testing. the big one always doubles any sugar in any recipe. better double the chips, raisins, walnuts etc. they always snack more than they add. don't start mopping until the cookies are in the oven. better make sure the smoke detectors are working. kiss your cookie sheets goodbye. keep a camera handy. ever seen a cat stuck tight to a kitchen floor? i have. it would have gone viral but my camera was stuck shut.

clean up? they'd rather go to the pool to wash up.

i wish for many more fun baking experiences with my progeny and slc!

07-19-2012, 11:22 PM
Granted. It turns out you're descended from Lazarus Long and have his lifespan. You have several hundred years of baking to look forward to.
I wish I was related to the Rockefellers.

07-20-2012, 03:07 PM
Granted. You are the illegitimate great-great-great grandchild of John D. Rockefeller. The family refuses to accept you though, regardless of the DNA results.

I wish I had a faster internet connection at home.

07-20-2012, 03:39 PM
Granted. As much speed and bandwidth as you like, but at $100 per hour (or part thereof).

I wish companies would stop calling with recorded messages (not) selling double glazing, loft conversions, new kitchens and pension protection insurance.

07-20-2012, 04:48 PM
Granted. NOW they're calling with cold sore cures, bail bond rates, overdue bills, stolen ID mixups, paternity suits, and the Church of Latter Day Saints invitations.

I wish today was payday.

07-20-2012, 08:00 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, you own the company and it's teetering on the edge of bankruptcy.

I wish my novel would write itself.

07-20-2012, 08:26 PM
Granted. It has written itself and totals 457,296 words. No one can make any sense of it, including you.

I wish I had a Fudgicle.

07-20-2012, 11:06 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, it's so hot that it melts before you can take your first bite.

I wish it wasn't so hot.

07-20-2012, 11:16 PM
Granted. Genie transports you to the arctic. Subzero temperatures and blistering cold winds for you. Enjoy.

I wish for another rainy day tomorrow.

07-21-2012, 06:25 AM
Granted. It rains cats and dogs whom you must now find homes for.
I wish I could meet Podkayne.

07-21-2012, 06:45 AM
Granted. You meet on her home planet, but you don't get to talk much, as unlike her, you can't breathe on Mars.

I wish I could remember that ...you know...that thing.

07-21-2012, 08:17 AM
Granted. You remember it--and you understand why everyone avoids you like the plague.

I wish my out-of-town visitors had stayed at home. Sheesh!

07-22-2012, 09:45 PM
Granted. But they think of your home as their home and never want to leave.

I wish I knew kung-fu.

07-22-2012, 09:51 PM
I wish I knew kung-fu.

Yeah now you say that. How much effort did you put into meeting him while he was alive.


I wish that glass of milk had been fresher

07-22-2012, 10:03 PM
Granted. Sort of. Genie hypnotizes you into thinking the milk was fresh. Just ignore the funny taste in your mouth.

I wish I had lots of cake and fudge and hot chocolate with little pink marshmallows =)

07-22-2012, 10:18 PM
I wish I had lots of cake and fudge and hot chocolate with little pink marshmallows =)

Granted mostly ..
The marshmallows will turn pink if you leave them on the kitchen counter in a sealed plastic bag ... opening every day or so to spray a litttle warm water on them.

I wish I knew where Maine is.

07-22-2012, 10:52 PM
Granted. Genie's as geographically challenged as you are, but has maps of different parts of the world. Perhaps start searching in the Amazon...lots of things get lost there.

I wish I knew if huge anacondas existed.

07-23-2012, 12:06 AM
Granted. The Genie has left one for you to inspect. Be careful when you go to bed.

I wish I could draw.

07-23-2012, 12:14 AM
Granted. Just slightly unfortunate that being able to draw weapons, and draw the curtains, doesn't afford anyone much artistic skill or talent.

I wish I could get up earlier in the morning.

07-23-2012, 01:45 AM
Granted. The Genie has generously provided you with ten alarm clocks that sound at 0500, 0505, 0510, 0515, 0520, 0525, 0530, 0535, 0540 and 0545 with increasing decibels until the final one, which is louder than the alarm on a fire truck. In addition, he has arranged for a duck, two cats, three weasels, four badgers, five skunks, six hyenas, seven cheetahs, eight zebras, nine hippos and ten elephants to enter your bedroom in synch with the alarms. This wish, hereby granted, can never be rescinded! :roll:

I wish I could have some peace and quiet.

07-24-2012, 06:58 PM
Granted. You are marooned on a desert island.
I wish everybody knew who the big three of science fiction are.

07-25-2012, 04:27 PM
I wish everybody knew who the big three of science fiction are.

genie reports post

I wish I had 131 beads

07-25-2012, 11:51 PM
Granted. But the beads are sowed onto 66 stuffed cats as eyes. They stare at you, creeping you out, because it feels as if the beady eyes follow you around the room...that cat with one eye is especially creepy.

I wish I could fly.

07-26-2012, 12:34 AM
Granted. You can fly. Actually, you are a fly. Uh-oh, here comes someone with a big swatter...

I wish I was King of North America.

07-26-2012, 12:41 AM
Granted, Your Majesty. Now, please wait until the white-coated attendant arrives to accompany you on your walk around the garden. But don't try to climb the fence again!

I wish I were a soothsayer.

07-26-2012, 01:04 AM
Sooth. Sooth SOOTH Sooth Sooth, Sooth? Sooth Soothing Sooths! .

What the hell are you talking about, Nymtoc?

I wish I was in the land of cotton.

07-26-2012, 02:06 PM
I wish I was in the land of cotton.

It takes balls to enter that domain

I wish elephants didn't swim sideways

07-26-2012, 02:24 PM
Granted. Genie hands you the responsibility of teaching them to swim right. Er... oh, you swim sideways too. Well, then you and the elephants should get on swimmingly :D

I wish I could witness Porter's swimming lesson.

07-26-2012, 02:50 PM
I wish I could witness Porter's swimming lesson.

As soon as he masters photoshop

I wish I had a bacon, avacado, and tangerine (BAT) sandwich

07-26-2012, 02:52 PM
Granted. But the bacon is really fresh... as in: can you hear it squeeling between the slices of bread.

I wish I was on vacation.

07-26-2012, 03:12 PM
Granted. Although with all that distance to Pluto, who knows if you'll ever even arrive, let alone make it back in one piece, too.

I wish I had some ice-cream in the house

07-26-2012, 05:00 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, it's under the insulation in the attic. Gonna be a hot one today, too....

I wish it would rain purple rain.

07-26-2012, 11:54 PM
Granted. There's been an enormous explosion at the antifreeze plant near your house and millions of gallons of purple rain are pouring down. Keep your mouth shut outside--the stuff is poisonous.

I wish burlesque would come back.

07-27-2012, 06:09 PM
Granted - but only for male performers, in these "politically correct" times. Hope you'll enjoy that. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/sprachlos/speechless-smiley-026.gif

I wish shop-bought, ready-made pizza didn't contain so many questionable ingredients.

07-27-2012, 06:14 PM
Granted. They've relabled the confusing ones, MSG and the like, for their more well known names: arsenic, hydrochloric acid, asbestos, and toys from China.

I wish Steely Dan would get back together.

07-27-2012, 06:58 PM
Granted. The Genie knows you are referring to Danny Steele, who lost an arm and a leg in an encounter with a can opener last year. You will be glad to learn that he now has state-of-the art prosthethics and is completely "back together"--well, as long as he oils his joints.

I wish I had some guava jam.

07-27-2012, 07:28 PM
Granted - the genie knows that you're really referring to guano jam, and that you're willing to spend several years collecting and manufacturing it.

I wish banks were more trustworthy and reliable.

07-27-2012, 07:33 PM
I wish banks were more trustworthy and reliable.

I'll leave that to the Corps of Engineers who are dilligently working on such problems. I COULD fix them all but that would not be prudent in these times of high unemployment.

I wish I had a couple quarts of loose marbles.

07-27-2012, 08:19 PM
Granted. They're in your medicine cabinet, and you didn't mention any containers, so....

I wish the lottery fairy godmother would visit me.

07-27-2012, 09:10 PM
Granted. You win a grand total of $100.

I wish the fridge would stock itself with good food so I wouldn't have to go out and buy it.

07-27-2012, 10:49 PM
Granted. But now that the fridge has gained the self-awareness to stock itself, it decides when you can open it. At night when you sleep, it plots ways to get rid of you. Permanently.
I wish I understood men.

07-28-2012, 12:13 AM
Granted. Sorry, that IS all we think about.

I wish this was a three day weekend.

07-29-2012, 07:27 AM
Granted. Monday is National Riot Day. Better start digging your foxhole asap.
I wish cats were immortal.

07-29-2012, 07:51 AM
DarthPanda also wishes kitties were immortal. :(
Therefore, granted. For some reason, feline immortality also comes with opposable thumbs, so now the human race is doomed.

I wish could make people explode with mind powers.

07-29-2012, 08:46 AM
Granted. You can make people explode with the power of your mind, but so can everyone else. You're really hoping that guy you cut off on the freeway didn't get a good look at you.

I wish I always knew the right thing to say.

07-29-2012, 09:30 AM
Granted. From now on, you will say to everyone, "Hello. How nice to see you!"

Unfortunately, that is all you will be able to say.

I wish I had bigger closets.

07-29-2012, 10:20 AM
okay--i am granting you bigger closets. they are in the fifth dimension. you just have to find the portal, mark it with chalk and throw your junk through it. and hope reverse nymmie from THE OTHER SIDE doesn't start hurling his junk into your dimension.

i wish i could find a publisher for my biography of the vixenish Gertrude Mahler Gropius Werfel

07-29-2012, 10:33 AM
Granted. Rush your manuscript, together with a money order for $1,000, to nymtoceditions.com. Do it now!

I wish I didn't look at a novel manuscript I wrote five years ago and say, "Omigod, it really did suck!"

07-29-2012, 11:04 AM
ok--now it is the biography of hubert cecil booth--the inventor of the vacuum sweeper--so the fact that it sucks makes it highly marketable!

i wish my new neighbors would do something about the bindweed in their lawn

07-29-2012, 03:02 PM
i wish my new neighbors would do something about the bindweed in their lawn

They are collecting seeds to share with their neighbors

I wish fish didn't smoke

07-29-2012, 06:13 PM
Denied. How else would we get smoked salmon...
I wish I was strong like the Hulk.

07-29-2012, 06:37 PM
I wish I was strong like the Hulk.

All of your deodorants have evaporated or the cans have lost their ability to spray.

I wish the clouds didn't all look like my mother in law

07-29-2012, 06:59 PM
Granted. The clouds now look like ordinary clouds. Genie also takes away the voices that follow and pester you... and replace them with one: that of your mother in law.
I wish I had a pet spider.

07-29-2012, 07:53 PM
okay--but he has a day job working as a clown.

i wish pennywise would be more jolly

07-30-2012, 04:56 AM
Granted. pennywise is jolly in the very early mornings, so jolly that you get treated to Edelweiss at sunrise every morning.
I wish I had all the lost Faberge eggs.

07-30-2012, 06:00 AM
Granted. However, photos of your collection and directions to your house have gone viral. The world's most skillful thieves are on their way. With any luck, they'll arrive before the hulking men despatched by the Kremlin.

I wish my chili didn't remind people of cat food.

07-30-2012, 06:12 AM
Granted. Now it reminds people of something that comes out cats' other ends.

I wish my writing were 100% better than it is.

07-30-2012, 06:19 AM
I wish my writing were 100% better than it is.


.. as soon as the Genie works out the dividing by zero thingy

I wish my soap wasn't so salty

07-30-2012, 08:53 PM
Granted. The next one will taste alkaline-sweet, promised.

I wish I could get my water-diet patented.

07-30-2012, 10:20 PM
Granted. You have been granted a patent in Kyrgyzstan. In order to profit from it, of course, you must move there.

I wish people wouldn't stare at me when I wear my red-and-white polka-dot sport jacket, green-and-yellow striped trousers, orange shoes and purple beanie.

07-30-2012, 10:56 PM
Granted. When worn together, these pieces of clothing work as your own personal invisibility costume. Now you can get around without being stared at or even being seen.

I wish the sky was green and the grass was blue.

07-31-2012, 01:19 AM
Granted. The planet you're on has green sky and blue grass. Keep moving--you're attracting these savage...things...with revolting eating habits.

I wish I could buy glasses for my inner vision.

07-31-2012, 02:23 AM
Granted. But once you buy the glasses--for an enormous price--you find that you have no inner vision.

I wish wannabes would learn to write better before they put their stuff online.

07-31-2012, 02:33 AM
Denied. Reading really bad first-draft post-zombie-apocalyptic teenage vampire in space romances is the only thing that makes me feel better about my own writing. :D

I wish people would stop tagging me in old prom pics on facebook. 8(

07-31-2012, 03:17 PM
Granted. Since you can't stop your friends from mischief, here is how the Genie would go about: Just pull the plug, will you!?

I wish I owned the zillions of images posted on facebook.

07-31-2012, 04:44 PM
Granted. Since you can't stop your friends from mischief, here is how the Genie would go about: Just pull the plug, will you!?

I wish I owned the zillions of images posted on facebook.

The bills should start arriving within the next few days

I wish air was free

07-31-2012, 06:53 PM
We all do. By the way, the address to which you've been sending those checks has changed to my post office box number....

I wish the kids would launch quicker...

08-02-2012, 04:21 AM
Granted. Kids have been playing angry birds for quite some time and have figured it out.

I wish going through fog took us to another dimension.

08-02-2012, 06:31 AM
Granted. Going through fog already takes us to another dimension: Traffic jams, delays, rigour.

I wish I could act like a despot.

08-02-2012, 06:47 AM
Denied. Genie reserves the role of despot for himself. However, as a consolation, he's made you a crackpot.

I wish I had some licorice pipes right now.

08-02-2012, 07:17 AM
Granted. Your 500 pounds of licorice pipes have been deposited on the hood of your car. oopsie :)

I wish rain was dry.

08-02-2012, 08:09 AM
Granted. You didn't even have to ask. Rain is dry all over the country now. It's called drought.

I wish I had wings like an angel, but they should be invisible, because otherwise people would think I looked weird.

08-02-2012, 04:50 PM
Granted. You were endorsed with a set of (invisible) wings right from the start. Not having learnt to make proper use of it just about sums up the demise of the human race.

I wish people would stop gossiping about geologically disposed nuclear waste.

08-03-2012, 04:46 AM
Granted. Unfortunately that gossip was the only thing holding back the tide of radiation. Better luck next time humanity.

I wish good things came in threes, ya know, like bad things.

08-03-2012, 01:39 PM
Granted. You have a personality like Sarah Palin's, a voice like Minnie Mouse's and a prosthetic nose like Michael Jackson's. The Genie has heard from reliable sources that these are very good things.

I wish I would find a wonderful surprise in my mailbox tomorrow.

08-03-2012, 06:26 PM
ah--i am sending you a mini stroke so that anything you find in your mailbox tomorrow will be a wonderful surprise. in fact, just getting to the mailbox will be surprising!

i wish someone would invent a handy dandy spray to take heat baked grasshopper guts off a car's front bumper and grill.--s6

08-03-2012, 06:45 PM
Granted - they invented it, and your job for the next three years is to use it on every car in the state; I hope it doesn't get too tedious after the first few hours.

I wish someone would come round and give my car a thoroughly good valeting, from top to bottom ...

08-03-2012, 07:20 PM
well it is not going to be this genie--i have bumpers to scour. but here is my cat, liv. he is pretty good at spraying tires. if you leave the windows down he can get the upholstery too.

i wish watermelon wasn't so messy

08-05-2012, 05:24 AM
Granted. It is now served dry and neat like raisins but without their flavor. watermelon is now taste free.
I wish I was the President of the United States.

08-05-2012, 02:44 PM
Granted - and many commiserations on the diminution of those United States to include only the DC district and Alaska, a most unpredictable and unfortunate outcome of the recent election.

I wish I could get avocado pears delivered without their turning out to be either unripe or overripe.

08-05-2012, 05:12 PM
Granted. The avos delivered to you are perfectly ripe. As you slice into one, a commando worm pokes its head out to say: hi. Enjoy:)
I wish the 5-letter game wasn't stagnating in the bleary marshes of the letter K.

08-05-2012, 09:30 PM
Granted - I won't post there any more, if my posts are unwelcome. http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/traurig/sad-smiley-056.gif

I wish you'd said earlier on.

08-06-2012, 01:30 PM
Granted. They said earlier on, but you had those corks in your ears, as usual. Don't blame the Genie.

I wish someone would build a high-speed rail line across the United States.

08-06-2012, 04:06 PM
Granted. The Russians are set to complete the Gazprom Samsung Siemens Vladivostok-Caracas high-speed rail line by 2018. Non-communists, foreigners and Americans pay double.

I wish I could have an affair after the election.

08-06-2012, 04:17 PM
Granted--and with a celebrity adult-film star, no less. Lucky you. And guess what? Ron Jeremy turns out to be the most tender, attentive lover you've ever had. Quite uninhibited, too. The two of you soar to new heights of passion on the wings of your mutual love.

I wish I had a private jet.

08-06-2012, 07:17 PM
granted--in order to keep it private i have made it very, very small. carry it on your key chain. here, have a firetruck and a porsche too--s6

i wish i could send my doppelganger to the faculty meetings this week so i could prolong my summer vacation. --s6

08-06-2012, 07:55 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, your boss and colleagues are so impressed by your doppelganger that she is given your job. Now she wants to meet your husband.

I wish my laundry would wash and fold itself.

08-06-2012, 08:31 PM
Granted. And there it sits, on the kitchen table. If only...

I wish my laundry would wash and fold itself, and march its lazy ass back to the closet to hang itself up properly.

08-06-2012, 11:05 PM
Granted, but owing to supply and demand, this offer is of course restricted to those willing to live with just one pair of jeans and one T-shirt, and no other clothing, for all the rest of their lives.

I wish a nice young man would visit daily and do all my ironing for me ...

08-07-2012, 07:32 PM
Almost granted. Apart from forwarding your address and postcode, could you be a bit more specific what you're having in mind when you speak of a 'nice young man'
* nice = nice manners or just nice on the outside?
* young = 18-25 yrs or just young at heart?
* ironing = do you want a certified ironer or just any layman?

I wish the milkman will pop in for a nice chat.

08-07-2012, 11:27 PM
Granted. He just popped in, and as you both settle down for a chat, you turn on TV and hear, "The notorious serial killer known as The Milkman has escaped from prison and is entering homes again. First he drugs his victim with a glass of milk. Then, with the victim dazed and powerless, he brings out his kn..."

I wish I had 100 mllion dollars in offshore accounts.

08-08-2012, 12:17 AM
Granted - and my sympathies on being wanted by the governments, fraud investigation departments and secret services of so many countries that Turkmenistan is now the only remaining sovereign state in which you can "safely" spend your remaining days, without even being able to access those funds.

I wish I didn't have to keep going out and "doing things".

08-08-2012, 12:24 AM
Granted. Now you stay home and "do things." The Genie will be right over to see what it is you're doing.

I wish I could win at Scrabble more often.

08-08-2012, 12:58 AM
Granted. All your opponents are under the age of six.

I wish I didn't keep getting mucked up in the middle of a manuscript.

08-08-2012, 01:10 PM
Granted. Write for children under the age of six.

I wish I had two green cards.

08-08-2012, 07:22 PM
Granted.You have two green cards. They are the ace of clubs and the queen of hearts. Unfortunately you need a full deck to play with.
I wish I had an endless supply of new black pants that fit perfectly.

08-08-2012, 08:50 PM
Granted. Only problem is, they fit me and not you.

I wish my cats could clean up after themselves.

08-09-2012, 12:22 AM
Granted. The Genie reckons your cats need a leading example. A toilet trained tomcat comes at a price. Interested?

I wish I knew why there are red dots all over my carpet.

08-09-2012, 12:55 AM
Granted. The dots are a grid pattern indicating the location of an alien landing. You may want to move your T.V.

I wish I was irresistable to gorgeous women.

08-09-2012, 03:58 AM
Granted, but the sheer numbers overwhelm you and you die a horrible, but wonderful death. The smile is something the mortician cannot remove.

I wish the world was flat so all the stupid people would walk off the edge into oblivion.

08-09-2012, 04:52 PM
Denied. Decisions affecting all of mankind need the backing of a worldwide referendum. Personally, the Genie wouldn't mind going back to the flat old days.

I wish my yogurt has plenty of essential hydroxypropionic fatty acid.

08-09-2012, 10:13 PM
Denied. The Genie cannot entertain requests that mock some poor overweight acid.

I wish people wouldn't point and laugh when I dance.

08-10-2012, 03:44 AM
Granted. Now they vomit and chaos ensues with people slipping all over the dance floor. It really is gross (erp!)

I wish I had an air conditioned suit.

08-10-2012, 09:00 PM
Granted, although it's perhaps less than ideal for the Antarctic trip on which you've also just been sent: a thermally heated one might have been more appropriate.

I wish the next few months could pass me by in a few hours.

08-10-2012, 11:00 PM
Granted. It is now November, and you missed two big things: being presented to the Queen and winning 500,000,000 in the Euromillions lottery. (Okay, maybe you could have skipped the Queen, but the euros?)

I wish I were a better judge of my own writing.

08-11-2012, 02:13 AM
Granted. You're now a much better judge of your own writing.
And. You. Are. Horrified.

I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self advice.

08-11-2012, 04:21 AM
Granted. He listens to your advice and doubles up with laughter.

I wish I could go to the store and come back home and not always think, "OMG, I forgot to get ________."

08-12-2012, 08:00 AM
Granted. Now You forget everything and wander around in a constant state of amazement. You're welcome.

I wish everyday wishes of every single soul would be granted. Hold onto your hats....

08-12-2012, 08:03 AM
Denied. The Genie would be out of a job if that happened.

I wish I were the gold medalist for Pogo Stick.

08-12-2012, 08:17 AM
Granted. Unfortunately the weight of the gold medal tips your balance at a meet and greet and you pogo into a crowd of up and coming pogoers, sending five to the hospital and scarring the rest for life.

I wish Spam was a wonderful addition to every diet

08-13-2012, 03:02 PM
Granted. Genie will even go the extra mile, seeing as you're so passionate about spam. Not only is Spam a new addition to your diet, but your mailbox will benefit from every spam mail in existence. Prepare for a flood of suspicious emails, luckily you have a nice snack to eat as you read through all that spam. :)

I wish I could spend the day outside.

08-13-2012, 03:36 PM
Granted. Your house just burned down.

I wish I could pick up things at the supermarket and not have to pay for them.

08-13-2012, 09:24 PM
Granted. From the produce section you've picked up a highly contagious green fungus that is slowly spreading over your entire body. Doctors think there's no known treatment. They also want you to stop coming to see them.

I wish I could be invisible whenever I wanted.

08-13-2012, 09:54 PM
Granted. But you have a lot of trouble becoming visible again. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't--like the time you arrive to pick up your $500,000,000 lottery prize and, since you're invisible, they give the money to the runner-up.

I wish I could print my own money and not get caught. (I put in that last phrase so you won't give me the usual answer, Genie!)

08-14-2012, 04:41 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it is Monopoly money, so the threat of getting caught is nil...unless Parker Brothers has a beef with you.

I wish ghosts would actually be able to do some good in the world they aren't totally part of.

08-15-2012, 03:13 PM
Denied. You've succeeded in spooking Genie, which does no one any good.

I wish I had the courage to come out from under the bed now.

08-15-2012, 10:38 PM
Granted. You have the courage to come out from under the bed now. See, it wasn't so hard--until the roof fell in on you.

I wish I had the strength of twenty.

08-16-2012, 01:32 AM
Granted. You have the strength of twenty babies. You can't walk, talk or think about anything but mommy, but you do have a screech that can topple buildings.

I wish the Mona Lisa would wipe that smirk off her face.

08-16-2012, 02:22 AM
Granted. She can't wipe it off herself, of course, so you sneak into the Louvre and wipe it off for her. You are immediately arrested, and the French justice system is not inclined to show you mercy.

I wish I could type on my computer just by thinking the words.

08-16-2012, 06:46 AM
Granted. You already have that ability, it's called nerves that link your brain to your fingers...unless you don't have those nerve connections in which case I owe you an apology...and nerve endings...can we move on now. God how embarrassing, who gives me these scripts anyway?

I wish we all lived in lands of milk and honey, where rivers were pure sweet water and not a single soul ever thought a bad thought.

08-16-2012, 11:52 AM
Granted, but your hour by the sweet river in the land of milk and honey is up now, and the nurse will take you back to your room. You like the nurse, don't you, and you like your little room with the padded walls? Don't you?

I wish I understood dark energy.

08-16-2012, 02:35 PM
Granted, but appreciate that it's very, very, very dark. It's not light at all. In fact it's so dark that you need to be put away permanently just so that your understanding of it doesn't wreak havoc on anyone else's mindset and surround with tragedy and disaster everyone with whom you come into contact.

I wish my concentration and attention-span could improve.

08-16-2012, 02:42 PM
Granted. Your attention span and concentration will improve greatly and surpass that of those around you. Too bad it's at the cost of the attention span and concentration of every male who encounter you this day. Dear girl, they won't hear a word of what you say while you're in that dress ;)

I wish I knew where Alexa bought that fantastic outfit.

08-16-2012, 08:39 PM
Granted, but only if you take the Genie with you when you go there.

I wish there was plaid fruit.

08-16-2012, 08:43 PM
Granted, but waffles are now shaped like footballs, so the whole arrangement STILL doesn't work out right.

I wish AW was our day job.

08-17-2012, 04:50 AM
Denied. You like the suffering too much. Come on admit it, that's the first step to becoming the 'real' you. Fuck you Dr. Phil!!! How did you get in here...and why are you wearing a flowered skirt and heels? Genie is scared *willies*

I wish there weren't scary people like Dr. Phil in the world.