View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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06-11-2012, 03:13 PM
Granted. It comes complete with hundreds of dunning calls from his creditors.
I wish I had a complete set of digital Black Stallion books.

06-11-2012, 03:19 PM
I wish I had a complete set of digital Black Stallion books.

Sorry ..
The Genie does not traffic in racial pornography

I wish I could jump over a candle

06-11-2012, 03:35 PM
Granted. But your pants catch fire (for no metaphorical reason whatsoever ;))

I wish I could stay online all day and not have to get back to work.

06-11-2012, 03:49 PM
I wish I could stay online all day and not have to get back to work.


It's called the unemployment line

I wich I had a new pair of pants

06-11-2012, 03:58 PM
here you are, porter, old bud. jodhpurs are so chic. too bad they lace up the back. don't drink anything and you should be okay. i burned your old pants.

i wish my red chenille bell bottoms would come back in style, and my size five butt would return so i could wear them.

06-11-2012, 09:44 PM
The Genie can only grant one wish at a time. The red chenille bell-bottoms are back in style (do you really still have them?), but for the butt situation, the Genie can only suggest you go to chicos.com, which offers a wide selection of extended sizes. (The Genie thought chicos would be appropriate for your language skills.)

I wish I had a grandfather's clock that would chime every quarter hour like Big Ben.

06-11-2012, 09:56 PM
Granted. But the clock chimes so loudly that you can't sleep at night.

I wish I didn't have an image of Porter in red bell-bottoms.

Drachen Jager
06-11-2012, 11:01 PM
Granted, you now have an image of Porter in a red thong in its place.

I wish I owned a vinyard.

06-11-2012, 11:15 PM
Granted. It is on the slopes of Mt. St. Helens and was completely buried during the volcano's 1980 eruption. It is still yours, however, and you must pay taxes on the property.

I wish I had a magic ring.

Drachen Jager
06-12-2012, 12:46 AM
Granted. You have a ring stuck permanently to your finger, whenever you rub it, whether on purpose or by accident, a life-sized hologram of Porter appears right in front of you, doing a striptease.

Oh and the ring also prevents you from closing your eyes.

I wish I had more quiet space in my day to write.

06-12-2012, 01:06 AM
Granted. You have many free hours in your day, together with chronic creative constipation (i.e. writer's block.)

I wish I could find that cheese knife I lost.

06-12-2012, 02:10 AM
Granted. You step on the knife barefoot. But don't worry. The doc can stitch your foot up so it'll be almost as good as new in two weeks.
I wish the culled books would take themselves to the thrift store.

Drachen Jager
06-12-2012, 02:31 AM
Granted. They are resentful at your callous treatment however, and now that you've granted them sentience and animation, they turn on their creator.

Let's just say you shouldn't have put that Dean Koontz book in the reject pile, that tome has a sick imagination when it comes to revenge. The first responders on the scene are shocked to say the least.

I wish I had a cone of silence, like in Maxwell Smart.

06-12-2012, 03:14 AM
Granted, but it's permanently in place on your head. With an insurance agent on the other end.

I wish I never had to wait for anything.

06-12-2012, 03:30 AM
I wish I had a cone of silence, like in Maxwell Smart.


OK, you got one, but it's not going to do you much good. It requires an intellect at least equal to that of Maxwell Smart to be activated.

I wish I had an old maid.

Drachen Jager
06-12-2012, 03:49 AM
Zeddo: Granted, that's an easy one. Your life flashes before your eyes. The End.

PSB: Granted, I got you the oldest maid I could find. Don't blame me if you have an old maid corpse in a few minutes, her ticker's not too great and teleportation takes a lot out of a person.

I wish Porter would stop butting in line.

06-12-2012, 03:54 AM
I wish Porter would stop butting in line.


Until port gives up his precious dail-up

I wish everybody was as happy as I am

06-12-2012, 04:16 AM
Granted, as long as "everybody" means everybody in the asylum.

I wish Porter would lose those tattoos.

06-12-2012, 05:30 AM
Granted: Porter falls into a vat of bleach and his skin is now a pearly white, free of ink.

I wish Nymtoc would finally grow some hair...that comb over is....meh.

06-12-2012, 06:37 AM
wish granted--i blinked nymmie a set of hair plugs fashioned from my great grandmother's fox jacket. the one she wore to the rose parade in 1922. someone hold him down while i sterilize my punch needle. i've never done hair before but it should be close to hooking a rug, right?

i wish i could get out of this thumb splint early

06-12-2012, 07:26 AM
Granted, but your thumb immediately fell off and dropped through a storm sewer grate.

I wish I could dance like Astaire.

06-12-2012, 07:39 AM
Granted. You can dance like Billy Bob Astaire, the town drunk who comes stumbling down the street every night after the bars close.

I wish I had no fear.

Drachen Jager
06-12-2012, 09:12 AM
Granted. You are aware that humans have fear for a very good reason, namely it keeps them alive. 'Twas nice knowing ya.

I wish I had a lifetime supply of firecrackers.

06-12-2012, 09:34 AM
Granted. You have one enormous firecracker. It IS a lifetime supply. Set it off, and you'll know what I mean. Correction: it would be more accurate to say that the people who are watching you will know.

I wish I could sell as many books as James Patterson.

Drachen Jager
06-12-2012, 10:07 AM
Granted. As James Patterson is an author and not a book salesman, that number is 0.

I wish I could write a string of novels that make the New York Times bestseller list.

06-12-2012, 04:29 PM
here are 409 cans of silly string. once you master the medium we'll try the Times.

i wish i had a zip line from my house to my job

06-12-2012, 05:48 PM
Granted. It only costs $100 per use.
I wish we had rolling roads here.

06-12-2012, 06:44 PM
don't look now but they are rolling and all this genie had to do was nudge the new madrid fault just the teensiest bit!

i wish oklahoma would revert to ocean and southern kansas would become a beach--again.

06-12-2012, 07:21 PM
Granted. Refugees from Oklahoma flood into Kansas. Authorities put three of them in your house. They eat all your apricots, use up your hot water and insist on watching endless reruns of Seinfeld.
I wish Walter Farley's horses were real.

06-12-2012, 07:44 PM
how about i blink you to the island stallion's island? oops--you're on island of the blue dolphins instead. dolphins and wild dogs are almost as much fun, aren't they? i should never try that blinking trick without my blinking glasses.

i wish i could run in heels like wonder woman

06-12-2012, 08:30 PM
Here they are ... hope they fit


I wish my shoes were as pretty as hers are.

06-12-2012, 10:37 PM
Here ya go, Porter. You can wear them the next time you do that swan thing.


Drachen Jager
06-12-2012, 11:32 PM
I wish someone would paste a post-it to Nymtoc's glasses that reminds him he needs to make a wish.

06-12-2012, 11:53 PM
Granted. Nymtoc did that on purpose, to see if he could get a rise out of you. Honest!

Okay, I wish there were a roof garden on top of my apartment building.

Drachen Jager
06-13-2012, 12:25 AM
Granted. The roofs are mostly slate and ceramic, and late at night they shed, leading to a terrible crashing noise that resonates through the building. However, come spring next year you'll have a full crop of roofs. How you get them out of the building when they're fully grown is your problem.

I wish I had the power to hypnotize people to obey my every command.

06-13-2012, 03:40 AM
Granted. But the only people you can hypnotize are servers at McDonald's, and they obey your commands anyway, usually with a frown.

I wish I had a tree that would grow every type of fruit imaginable.

06-13-2012, 06:40 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it takes over your backyard then your neighborhood. Oh, and you'll want to keep an eye out for the giant who lives in it if only for the sake of your English friends.
I wish I could time travel and see the Spanish Armada.

Drachen Jager
06-13-2012, 09:14 AM
Granted. You can have a front-row seat on the Spanish side. I hope you know how to swim.

I wish everything tasted like bacon.

06-13-2012, 09:59 AM
Granted, but you're now allergic to bacon.

I wish I could read people's minds.

06-13-2012, 10:17 AM
Granted. But the only way you can read them is to poke around inside their brains with your fingers. Sort of like Braille.

It makes you sick.

I wish I had a magnetic personality.

06-13-2012, 02:49 PM
Granted. All metal is attracted to you. The coins aren't too bad but watch out for those knives.
I wish I had a goose that laid golden eggs.

06-13-2012, 03:13 PM
Granted. All metal is attracted to you. The coins aren't too bad but watch out for those knives.
I wish I had a goose that laid golden eggs.

Granted sort of
All the genies could find was Iron Pyrite egg laying gooses

I wish I wasn't always right

06-13-2012, 03:17 PM
Granted. The delusion that you are always right has been removed from your perception.

I wish I had a cute hat like Porter's.

06-13-2012, 03:27 PM
I wish I had a cute hat like Porter's.

Denied ..

You are not abusive enough

I wish it would stop snowing every day here.

06-13-2012, 08:51 PM
Granted. The snow has turned to rain and your area is now completely flooded. Your house is washed away. You are perched on the roof, yelling for help--but no one can hear you.

I wish I could have three plays on Broadway at the same time.

Drachen Jager
06-13-2012, 09:06 PM
Granted. You manage an impressive triple-play in the middle of Broadway, just before getting mowed down by a taxi. You and most of your friends are arrested for being a public nuisance.

I wish I had more patience.

06-14-2012, 02:51 AM
Granted, after being locked up in prison for running over aspiring Broadway hack directors, you find a sense of inner peace as meditate in your cell everyday...for the next 40 years.

I wish I didn't like blondies so much.....so yummmmmmy

06-14-2012, 03:51 AM
Granted. Now you only like baldies.

I wish tapioca didn't stick between my teeth.

06-14-2012, 04:09 AM
Granted. You've lost all your teeth. Now you can gum tapioca to your heart's content.

I wish I had a carriage drawn by four white steeds.

06-14-2012, 04:31 AM
Granted. 4 strong and steady steeds of white draw your funeral carriage slowly through the streets of your town to finally arrival at the cemetery. The locals are sad to have heard you were run over by a taxi in NY after having successfully directed a new Broadway play, "Lollipop Porn with Corn".

I wish I may, I wish I might, wish that I can actually find the perfect book to read.

Drachen Jager
06-14-2012, 06:37 AM
Granted. You are so overcome with self-loathing after reading the masterpiece that you agonize over every word you put to the page for the rest of your days, and you can never complete anything you set your hand to because it simply doesn't measure up.

I wish the U.S. Army would take orders from me.

06-14-2012, 06:42 AM
Granted. They will arrive at your house in 2 to 3 days, ready to obey your every command:


I wish people would make realistic wishes instead of these pie-in-the-sky wishes that can't possibly be granted.

Drachen Jager
06-14-2012, 09:16 AM
Granted. I wish Nymtoc would get a haircut.

06-14-2012, 09:39 AM
Granted. Nymtoc has had a slight trim on the back of his head. You can't see it in the avatar.

I wish all the water in the oceans would become drinkable.

06-14-2012, 02:35 PM
I wish all the water in the oceans would become drinkable.

Silly wish, not worth my time

All the water in the ocean is already drinkable. Potable is another matter.

I wish I had another shoe.

06-14-2012, 05:14 PM
bend over and i will give it to you

i wish i were as sweet as susie

06-14-2012, 10:32 PM
Granted. You live in a house made of chocolate on a chocolate-paved street. Your lawn and trees are made of chocolate, and your flowers, too. Your sofa is a big, soft chocolate éclair, and your chairs are made of dark chocolate with chocolate-chip cushions. As for your clothes--well, you have two choices of color, dark brown and white, all yummy. When you write at your chocolate computer, you can't seem to write anything but "Hershey's Nestle Cadbury's brownies Devil's food cake..."

I wish that it would not rain this weekend.

Drachen Jager
06-14-2012, 11:01 PM
Granted. I have arranged for a blizzard instead.

I wish I had a tree that grew solid-gold coins.

06-14-2012, 11:33 PM
Granted. Unfortunately you begin spending way too much for your income and the IRS notices.

I wish I had a summer home somewhere cool.

06-15-2012, 03:57 AM
Granted, you now have an igloo in Siberia, but it is also used as a public bar.

Wish I had my own Flag

Drachen Jager
06-15-2012, 04:36 AM
Granted. You are now King of Toilet-Paperia, I will let you guess what your national flag is, try not to leave it out in the rain.

I wish more people respected me and admired my talent.

06-15-2012, 05:35 AM
Granted. Two more people respect you and admire your talent. They are Rufus Pinwheel Quisenberry and Felicia Anamilphia Doldrums, both residents in the Home for the Hopelessly Retarded, in Alberta. That's not far from you. They would probably be delighted if you drove over and gave them your autograph.

I wish I had an endless supply of lemon sherbet.

06-15-2012, 08:58 AM
Granted: Because you are suspicious of the Genie you decide to test whether the supply is truly endless. Toward that end you eat lemon sherbet every waking moment. You soon develop diabetes.

I wish Nymtoc would share his lemon sherbet. (It's for his own good.)

06-15-2012, 03:06 PM
I wish Nymtoc would share his lemon sherbet. (It's for his own good.)

DENIED .. not even the genie can make Nymtoc share.

I wish I had an anchor.

06-15-2012, 08:32 PM
Granted. A former news anchor on CBC, Pimplethorpe McFindlebuffle, is now in your care. He is 104 years old, has lost his memory, must be carried everywhere and is incontinent (frequently). But he is yours.

I wish I had something in Shakespeare's handwriting.

Drachen Jager
06-15-2012, 08:51 PM
Granted. Several passages from your latest novel also appear in handwritten scripts penned by the Bard. You are briefly lauded as a genius, until some English Profs notice, then you are castigated as a plagiarist. In writing circles the name "Nymtoc" becomes synonymous with ripping off a really famous writer's work, in the hopes nobody will notice. It also becomes one of the most vile swearwords in the English language, calling someone a "Nymtoc" is a good way to get punched in the mouth.

06-15-2012, 09:02 PM
Granted. Several passages from your latest novel also appear in handwritten scripts penned by the Bard. You are briefly lauded as a genius, until some English Profs notice, then you are castigated as a plagiarist. In writing circles the name "Nymtoc" becomes synonymous with ripping off a really famous writer's work, in the hopes nobody will notice. It also becomes one of the most vile swearwords in the English language, calling someone a "Nymtoc" is a good way to get punched in the mouth.

Granted ... you get nothing

I wish I was in the mile high club

06-15-2012, 10:28 PM
great! let me see if i can find my old hookah!

i wish that i could read the texts my grandkids send me

06-15-2012, 10:32 PM
S6 don't encourage him. The Genie's gone on strike, but will return when Porter comes to his senses. *evil chuckle*

Meanwhile, I wish I had social skills so I didn't get so confused all the time. *waits anxiously for Genie* *clicks heels together*

06-15-2012, 11:03 PM
well, i'm in a thumb splint at present so my genie- gestures are somewhat hobbled. the best i can do is give you better social skills than some people. porter for example.

i wish i had an entourage and i don't mean the bluejays, neighbor kids and cats that follow me around my yard!

06-15-2012, 11:16 PM
Granted. You have an entourage of DEA agents who (erroneously) think you are the US leader of the recently reconstituted Beltrán-Leyva Drug Cartel. They follow you everywhere as the Justice Department prepares indictments against you.

I wish I were some kind of genius.

06-16-2012, 03:53 AM
I wish I were some kind of genius.

Too late for me ...

Just heard someone refer to you as a 'bleedin genius"

I wish I had a home where the buffalo roam. (lots of grass I'm guessin')

06-16-2012, 04:32 AM
that would be kansas, porter. our state song is 'home on the range." the very first line states that it is where the buffalo roam. there are a couple of buffaloes in a field just north of town, just in case you doubt that kansas is for you. so i am granting you my ex-neighbor's old trailer. he and his wife moved out a couple of years ago because they had a yen to try house living before they died. they didn't even try to sell-- wisely so. the place is move in ready--if you have had your hanta virus shots.
now walt was the heavy set guy who used to mow his lawn in a speed-o, cowboy boots and straw hat, so you do have a certain responsibility to all of us older single women in the neighborhood. you need to remind us what a semi-naked real man looks like--in case one of us gets the urge to marry again.

i wish my watermelon vine would do something

The Funny Guy
06-16-2012, 08:13 AM
Granted, Now come pick me up and take me to HAWAII

I wish I had something to wish for?

The Funny Guy

06-16-2012, 09:22 AM
Granted. You have no money, no friends and no hope. Now you have everything to wish for.

I wish there was no such thing as income tax.

06-16-2012, 11:05 AM
Granted. There is no such thing as income tax for you, because you have no income.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and find $1,000 worth of gold under my pillow.

06-17-2012, 04:04 AM
Granted. All your horse like teeth have suddenly been removed from your mouth when you awake, and under your pillow is a $1000 of fools gold.

I wish I had some sky pie to eat. It's so airy, and light.

06-17-2012, 04:51 AM
Your wish is granted you have sky pie to eat as a matter of fact you have to eat 1,000 sky pies in one hour to save your lives in your family.

Wish I was a dolphin

06-17-2012, 09:22 AM
Granted. You are a Dolphin for five minutes, but when Coach Philbin takes a look at you he realizes there has been a horrible mistake. It turns out the team intended to sign a linebacker with the same name as yours. They compensate you with a burger, fries and a 16-ounce soda (your choice of Coke, Sprite or Orange Lavaburst).

I wish I could be the first human to discover extraterrestrial life.

06-17-2012, 05:05 PM
Granted. After having discovered extraterrestrial life, other scientists begin to have second doubts. Your theory is questioned for the remainder of your life. You gain posthumous fame, though.

I wish I knew what c u l8er or f off 4ever meant.

06-17-2012, 06:29 PM
Granted. You will understand these things AFDN. DAMHIKT, IYKWIMAITYD.

I wish to never have another computer problem.

06-17-2012, 06:39 PM
yeah, like that's gonna happen

i wish these humans would make reasonable wishes

06-18-2012, 01:31 AM
Declined. As long as people keep wishing for Nymtoc's hair to grow back, it will be a failure.

I wish I could have Shakeysix's shoes. Old school baby. :)

06-18-2012, 03:20 AM
Granted. Shakey wears size 5. You wear size 15. Whatcha gonna do with them shoes, huh?

I wish I could finish the first draft of my ms. by the end of June, which really is my goal.

06-18-2012, 05:50 AM
blink-- the draft is no longer a draft but a completed manuscript, compliments of your fav genie. i did make a few small changes. the protagonist is now a five year old orphan girl who becomes the ward of her surly grandfather, a gruff but golden hearted hermit who lives high in the swiss alps with no company but his goats. don't worry about submitting it. i've already done that for you, too.

i wish my grand daughter would finish reading heidi so i could get it back to the library

06-18-2012, 06:39 AM
Granted. She finishes Heidi and now is demanding all the Little House books.
I wish I didn't go on reading crazes.

06-18-2012, 07:05 AM
Granted. But then you wouldn't be as smart as you are.

I wish I had a million chocolate bars.

06-18-2012, 08:04 AM
Granted, but they'll pour through your letter slot 24/7 and you'll need a bulldozer to get out your front door.

I wish I could remember...pretty much anything at all.

06-18-2012, 08:21 AM
Granted. You remember that you left the water running in the bathtub (with the stopper in it) before you set out on your trip three days ago.

I wish I knew what the weather will be like here on the 4th of July.

Drachen Jager
06-18-2012, 10:31 AM
Granted. Genie detects a distinct pattern of fireworky with a 40% chance of throngs of drunk people with those little party horns and silly hats.

I wish I had the body of a Greek god.

06-18-2012, 02:41 PM
Granted. But you're allergic to the sun and can't show off those abs, because you'll turn into a red blister. You have to hide your gorgeous self under layers of clothes.

I wish I didn't need glasses.

06-18-2012, 02:52 PM
Granted. You slurp your drinks from a bowl.

I wish I could turn lettuce leaves into dollar bills.

06-18-2012, 08:15 PM
Granted: Sprinkle water onto either side of a lettuce leave; sandwich the latter in between two identical banknotes; iron to perfection. Voilà.

I wish the gap between rich and poor would diminish.

06-18-2012, 08:35 PM
Granted. Instead of 1% rich and 99% poor, we now have 1.1% rich and 98.9% poor. (You wouldn't want the situation to change too abruptly, would you?)

I wish I had my own theme park.

Drachen Jager
06-18-2012, 09:09 PM
Granted. Welcome to Nymtocland, right on the outskirts of scenic Pripyat.


I wish I was immune to the effects of radiation so I could go have some fun in Nymtoc's theme park.

06-18-2012, 11:15 PM
Granted. You are immune to radiowaves, microwaves, infrared light, visible light, and most of the ultraviolet spectrum, and now that you've been in Nymtocland for a month...oh, you meant nuclear radiation?


I wish I had the strength of a bull and the grace of Baryishnikov.

06-19-2012, 01:22 PM
Granted with a word of warning: Everyone believes you are on steroids. From now on you'll be watched closely.

I wish someone could teach me how to become a charmer.

06-19-2012, 02:53 PM
Granted. With your charming skills you soon acquire a harem of 1000 women... who end up fighting over you with blade weapons. They steadily kill each other off and you're left deep in debt, because you have to pay funeral expenses every week.

I wish Robbert had money to pay for all those funerals.

*PS, got my boots Robbert and I do not look foolish in them. Maybe this wishing well works...*

06-19-2012, 04:04 PM
Granted: The Genie is thrilled to announce that Robbert ties knots for the 1001st time. Robbert is thrilled to have finally found a monster who is loaded. M-a-M is thrilled to have found a caring, handsome husband.

I wish I knew how to have an affair without anyone noticing anything unusual.

06-19-2012, 09:47 PM
Granted. monsteR's so busy taking care of the bills that she doesn't notice Robbert's affairs. (Un)fortunately, Robbert ends up with a suspicious rash that won't go away.

I wish I could get a hefty divorce settlement so I could take a trip to Jamaica.

06-20-2012, 05:55 AM
Granted. You get 9 million...but the lawyers fees eat up 8,999,991. You get the remainder, with postage due for the check being mailed to you.

I wish I could trade my size 5 shoes that are too small for my size 15 feet...for Nymtocs hairpiece....made from camel hair....hind quarter region I believe.

06-20-2012, 06:14 AM
Granted. But the hairpiece you get is Nymtoc's old one, which is motheaten and full of cooties. The one in his avatar is his new one, of which he is extremely proud.

I wish the Greek gods would come back.

06-20-2012, 06:31 AM
Declined. Under the current negotiations ongoing with the EU over the Greek Euro/stability problem...the Greek Gods have been put on "stand-by" until it's determined if Greece or Spain will be bailed out. Till then Kerberos; has put your wish on "hold".

I wish I didn't have cooties.

06-23-2012, 07:34 AM
Granted. Lice drive out the cooties.

I wish I owned a digital copy of the Fat Years.

06-24-2012, 06:15 AM
Granted: And as the years go by, you gain 10lbs per year. Good luck wi' that don'tcha know.

I wish I had a cure for being poor.

06-24-2012, 06:29 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you've now caught a virulent form of taxes.

I wish I had the power of pyschokinesis.

06-24-2012, 06:39 AM
Granted. You have the power of a PhK degree, which you bought on the Internet for $300. It is framed and hanging on your wall, and you stare at it for hours, telling it to move. So far it hasn't budged, but you have psychokinetic power. Your diploma says so.

I wish I had a ripe avocado.

06-24-2012, 06:48 AM
Granted....but the avocado was used to smear on your avatar to give it color...but no taste. Sooorrreeee.

I wish I may, I wish I might, have a wish tonight, of finding frozen chinese pizza rolls.

06-24-2012, 07:06 AM
Granted. The Genie, always eager to please, has transported you to the South Pole, where you will find several Chinese pizza rolls frozen at a temperature of minus 11 degrees Celsius. Be sure to wear your mittens.

I wish I lived in an east-coast version of the Playboy Mansion.

06-24-2012, 06:02 PM
Granted - and congratulations on your sudden gender reassignment surgery working out to such esthetic satisfaction.

I wish I could manage to write about 3,000 words per day more than I do ...

06-24-2012, 07:01 PM
wish granted. cuneiform is much faster than paper and pen because it is punched into mud tablets with a reed stylus-one pictograph can stand for many many words. i am shipping you a garden hose for diy mud and a crate of acme reed pens. ALLZ you gotta do is learn elamite, akkadian, hittite and hattic. should be a piece of cake.

i wish i could beat the birds to my peach crop

06-24-2012, 07:39 PM
Granted. You move to the orchard. What's so hard about that?

I wish people would stop soliciting me for donations to worthy causes. It's not that I'm stingy, Genie, but my mailbox is always overflowing with junk.

06-24-2012, 07:47 PM
well, nymmie, this morning i read a news article about elderly peeps who are being hoaxed out of their life savings because they are soft hearted enough to answer those mail box appeals. let's face facts--you are not getting any younger and you are not the sharpest banana in the bunch. so i am granting you a heart of stone. i was going to grant you junk of stone but that comes with old age anyway.

i wish i had never offered to help that nice nigerian king in exile

06-25-2012, 12:00 AM
You didn't offer to help the nigerian king in exile, and you didn't get any help to get any writings published, and now you've gone bankrupt.

I wish that my husband enjoyed to read

06-25-2012, 12:19 AM
Granted: He's taking on a job at the local library and is soon lost in the stack of books. You mount an expedition to find him, and soon become lost yourself. A heroic book finds you and helps you escape.


I wish I had brakes that didn't squeak.

06-25-2012, 12:37 AM
Granted. They don't squeak any more, but now they griiinnnnd.

I wish I could perform a triple somersault on the trapeze.

06-25-2012, 03:04 AM
Granted - and it will take only 16 operations and three years' physiotherapy to sort out all the dislocated muscles and tendons.

I wish I had some pistachio ice-cream ...

Drachen Jager
06-25-2012, 09:13 AM
Granted. Genie needs to clear out the earwax, but I will give what I thought I heard. Here is your mustachio ice cream.

I had to shave a lot of dudes for that, so you'd better appreciate it.

I wish I had my mustache back.

06-25-2012, 10:03 AM
Granted. You have a large handlebar moustache on your back. Several others will grow beneath that one later. In different colors.

I wish I'd never seen a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio in it.

06-25-2012, 10:16 AM
Granted. But Leonardo has moved in with you. He is your new roommate. He constantly tells you what a great actor he is. He urges you to watch his films again and again and even provides you with a stack of DVDs. You cannot get rid of him.

I wish I knew why doofuses refuse to accept evolution.

06-25-2012, 02:56 PM
Granted. You spend years training with a bunch of doofuses and learning their culture. Eventually you see their LIGHT and become a doofus yourself... in fact, you become their god.

I wish I knew what happened to Robbert and Porter.

06-25-2012, 09:08 PM
Granted: Porter went fishing for the weekend. Robbert was confined to bed with a flu. Huh, interesting, wasn't it!?

I wish I knew who J. Depp is going to marry next.

06-25-2012, 10:21 PM
Granted - though it may come as a surprise to many (about both of you) that you're tying the knot.

06-26-2012, 01:13 AM
I wish alexaherself had the imagination, the wherewithal, the gumption, the ability, or at least the willingness to come up with a wish. :ROFL:

Krissy Reynolds
06-26-2012, 01:19 AM
Granted--But, she wishes that you were gone. :(

I wish Pandora would stop adding songs by random artists to my stations that aren't even in the same genre.

Drachen Jager
06-26-2012, 02:01 AM
Granted. Now in their place, you have music from the hit T.V. show, "Pandora the Explorer".

It's just like Dora, only with dialogue from every known human language.

I wish all bad TV shows would just go away, and people would develop more taste and refinement, like a taste for my books for instance.

06-26-2012, 02:25 AM
Granted. Buyers have literally developed a taste for your books and are eating them unread. Dentists are saying your prose is a leading cause of tooth decay and should be banned.

I wish I could return to my home planet and xrpt*&x~/> again.

06-26-2012, 03:02 AM
I wish I could return to my home planet and xrpt*&x~/> again.

Granted. But when you get there, the only part of your gibberish that comes true is the "p" part. You do it everywhere and endlessly, and your fellow citizens lock you up in a small cell with a large drain.

I wish I could write rapidly and successfully.

Drachen Jager
06-26-2012, 04:33 AM
Granted. If you look above, you'll see how nicely you wrote "rapidly and successfully" congratulations.

I wish I could write a manuscript that everybody wants to read.

06-26-2012, 05:46 AM
Granted. You write a manuscript that everybody on Zeddo's home planet wants to read.

I wish I could walk through walls.

06-26-2012, 05:54 AM
Granted. You have the ability to walk through most walls. The government wants your ability and they come up with an effective trap in the form of lead lined walls. You spend the rest of your life being studied.

I wish I could spend ten hours a day reading the books on my reading list.

06-26-2012, 06:07 AM
Granted: But the government spys think you may other special abilities and lock you in a lead lined cell with a strange, orange haired clown whom you have to constantly tell to "buzz off"

I wish I had the ability to read minds.

Drachen Jager
06-26-2012, 06:39 AM
Granted. Komnea is thinking, "Hey buddy, don't butt in line, and where's my wish?"

I wish Armydillo would stop line-cutting.

06-26-2012, 07:06 AM
Granted. The Genie has taken away Armydillo's line-cutters, and he is left with nothing but a little nail clipper he bought on eBay.

I wish I could open a chain of coffee shops that would be so popular it would put Starbucks out of business.

Drachen Jager
06-26-2012, 07:31 AM
Granted. Your coffee shops are so popular they even put themselves out of business. The whole world overdoses on caffeine, and to the shock of all, humanity is not ended by nuclear war, or global warming, but Nymtoc's hubris.

I wish I had a mountain of chocolate.

06-26-2012, 08:01 AM
Granted. It is as high as Mount McKinley, but you neglected to state where you wanted it. It is on top of you.

I wish I lived in a ten-room apartment.

Drachen Jager
06-26-2012, 09:54 AM
Granted. One Barbie dream house, coming up! It's small, and pink, but you own it outright, which is more than most people can say, right?

I wish I owned a real, life-sized house in Vancouver.

06-26-2012, 10:30 AM


I wish I could talk to animals, like Dr. Doolittle.

Drachen Jager
06-26-2012, 10:40 AM
Granted. They don't like you very much, so they only have rude things to say, and your cockroaches are seriously loud partiers. Good luck getting any sleep.

I wish I had a book of all the lottery numbers that will be drawn around the world for the next ten years.

06-26-2012, 04:05 PM
Granted. Playing the global lottery involves a great deal of travelling, since the price money needs to be picked up in person. Your greed turns you into a lonely miser. Friends and family walk out on you. In the end you sue the state for refusing to let you get married to your beloved $$$'s. Poor sod.

I wish I knew all about money laundering.

06-26-2012, 04:10 PM
Granted. Though I'm slightly surprised you should be so committed to the subject as to be contracted to spend the next two decades touring the world's laundromats, launderettes and dry cleaners in search of occasional banknotes mostly in such poor condition as no longer even to be legal tender.

I wish I could stop posting in some of these threads ...

Drachen Jager
06-26-2012, 08:12 PM
Granted. Okay, I've hijacked your account and sent out PMs to each of the the moderators calling them @#$%ing #@$%faced @#!%suckers, and saying you think AW is home of $#@munching losers without even as much talent as you possess in any one of your toenail clippings. That should do it.

I wish Alexa would stop swearing at the moderators like that, it hurts their feelings.

06-26-2012, 11:30 PM
Granted. But the abusive and obscene posts are easily traced back to you (don't you know anything about technology?) and you are banned from AW for life.

I wish Drachen Jager would learn to conquer his mean streak.

Drachen Jager
06-27-2012, 01:29 AM
Granted. He enjoys his mean streak however, and so his behaviour doesn't really change at all, except that he now says, on occasion, "I can quit, any time I want."

I wish society valued meanness more.

06-27-2012, 02:48 AM
Granted. For every mean thing you do, society will give you an honor point. When you have achieved 50 honor points, you will get an iron-on badge like this :evil , which you can put on your jacket or shirt, and you can be officially addressed as "Meanie." When you get 100 honor points, you will get a metal pin like this :evil which you may wear anywhere, and you can be officially addressed as "Meanster." When you reach 1,000 honor points, you will get a gold-plated badge like this :evil, and you can be officially addressed as "Meanmeister" and if you manage to get 10,000 honor points (no one has reached this stage yet), you will get a solid gold badge like this :evil, with your name engraved on it, and people will be required to bow before you and address you as "Your Meanness."

I wish I hadn't tried so hard to be funny.

06-27-2012, 02:48 AM
Granted. You no longer have to try to be silly--it comes naturally.

I wish the toaster would stop threatening me and snickering when I call 911.

06-27-2012, 05:57 AM
Granted. It quits threatening and starts acting. No more chances to call 911.
I wish I was a Byzantine princess.

06-27-2012, 07:05 AM
Granted. You are the sole employee of the Byzantine Bar-B-Q just off I 64. You work 24/7 taking orders, cooking, serving, washing dishes and scrubbing floors. The truck drivers who come in call you "Princess."

I wish I could speak Arabic.

06-27-2012, 07:46 AM
Granted. Whilst vacationing in Dubai, you attempt to display your recent mastery of the native tongue by initiating small talk with your cab driver. You say, "Good morning, friend! Hey, this airport falafel is mighty tasty," but the stray chickpea lodged between your front teeth muddles your inflection, and it comes out as "Shoe, anus! Your mother is pork-eating camel-humper." Bad things ensue.

I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a girl that looked good I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala.

06-27-2012, 07:59 AM
well, that first string went by a little fast for this old genie to catch but i can grant you the 64 impala. it's across the street in my neighbor verle's yard. original paint and motor. you'll have to bring a trailer. it has been up on blocks since the early 90s. he;s been using it for a chicken coop but the lucky thing is that it is the exact yellow and creamy white two tone interior as healthy chicken crap.

verle has been in jail since the big knife fight at the cantina this spring and his girlfriend tannya louise is tired of feeding the chickens. she might invite you into their double wide but don't take her up on the invite. she's a little man crazy these days and although she is a fine looking woman, it is verle's face that is tattooed on her bosom.

i wish i lived in a better part of town

06-27-2012, 08:05 AM
Granted. You move half a block, which puts you a little farther away from the city dump. Unfortunately, you haven't managed to lose the stench.

I wish I could find a pirate's buried treasure.

06-27-2012, 09:02 AM
Granted, unfortunately the pirates thought cubic zirconia was treasure. You can trade that in for maybe $20. Too bad your rented tools cost you $100.

I wish I had a babysitter to watch the girls all day.

Drachen Jager
06-27-2012, 10:15 AM
Granted. You pay a babysitter to spend all day on the beach ogling women. He's very happy about his job right now.

I wish my kids would just take care of themselves, clean the house and go find jobs to help out financially.

06-27-2012, 11:04 AM
Granted. But as soon as they start doing these things, their youthful incompetence becomes obvious, and your house is soon a shambles. They go out and get jobs, but as soon as they receive their paychecks, they spend all their money on ice cream and movies and come home and ask you to raise their allowance.

I wish I could stop making the same mistakes over and over.

06-27-2012, 01:15 PM
Granted. Since faultless robots are no fun to play with, you'll soon wish to be Nymtoc again--too late, I'm afraid.

I wish the corn crop would enter the food cycle.

06-27-2012, 02:55 PM
Denied. The genie refuses to acknowledge such madness. :D

I wish I had a mug of hot chocolate with tiny little pink marshmallows in it.

06-27-2012, 05:35 PM
i have three boxes of cocoa mix in my cupboard: one mint, one mexican and one with tiny multi-colored marshmellers. you can drink up all three. i will make them for you, serve them up in my best snowman mugs and wash up after you. i will even throw in a couple of home made jam cookies. allz you have to do is drink it on my porch swing. it was 110* yesterday and the weather guy says it's going to be REALLY hot today--s6

i wish that the front door to hell that everyone keeps talking about it being hotter than, would materialize. there might be A/C behind it--s6

06-27-2012, 06:01 PM
Granted. The front door to hell materializes, and the temperatures are higher than those on the planet Mercury. You step behind the door and--guess what!--there is no A/C. Since you know the Genie by now, I don't need to tell you that once you're behind that door you will remain there forever. :evil

I wish I had a glass harmonica.

06-27-2012, 06:42 PM
okay--granted but most people play with their mouths...oh, wait did you say glass? ooops. well, it will be a novelty act.

i wish that nymmie could play harmonica and sing like neil young

Drachen Jager
06-27-2012, 08:26 PM
Granted. He hangs around your house singing, "Like Neil Young... Like Neil Young... Like Nieieieieiel Young."

It's not a good song, but Nymtoc wrote it for you all by himself.

I wish I had a button I could push to erase terrible songs from my memory.

06-27-2012, 10:09 PM
Granted and not just from your memory but from the whole entire world's memory. The first song will be "like Neeeeil Youuung". The second song will be "Home Home on the Range." Of course this will turn all of Kansas against you as it is the state song but I absolutely hate it and of course, being from Kansas myself, I cannot delete it.

I wish that Drachen would delete "I Wiiiiiiiiiillll Always Love You" next. Even the Anne Murry version, because let's face it, Drach--sung by a Canajan or a downlander, the song sucks. Then I say we go for MacArthur Park

06-27-2012, 11:24 PM
Granted. The Genie has persuaded DJ to delete both "I Wiiiiiiiilll Always Love You" and "MacArthur Park" from the world's memory.

They have been replaced by two versions of "Feelings," one by Morris Albert and the other by Engelbert Humperdinck.

I wish I could hold the House of Representatives in contempt.

Drachen Jager
06-27-2012, 11:31 PM
Granted. Lots of people hold them in contempt, always have, probably always will. The thing about politicians is, so long as they keep getting elected, they don't care.

I wish politicians cared about people and put individuals over corporate profits.

06-27-2012, 11:48 PM
Granted, but unfortunately people are lazy and demand to get paid without working. The corporations all go under. The government is already bankrupt but now is forced to pay people with Monopoly money which is then used to buy and sell Boardwalk properties.

I wish my new laptop arrives today so I can stop typing on this damn iPad.

06-28-2012, 12:20 AM
Granted. But it is broken, and you get in touch with the company, which tells you that you must submit several forms and wait for a return confirmation before you will be able to return the laptop for replacement or refund, and that processing of your request will take up to six weeks.

I wish I had a barrel full of Spanish doubloons.

Drachen Jager
06-28-2012, 01:02 AM
Granted. You have two crazy Spanish people in a barrel. The police and INS are on their way. Needless to say you've got some 'splaining to do.

I wish I had a Calvin and Hobbes style Transmogrifier.

06-28-2012, 01:04 AM
granted. but you also have a peg leg, one eye and a parrot on your shoulder. gonna be a little tough to make a deposit in that get up.

i wish i had the income of a mexican druglord

06-28-2012, 01:07 AM
ooops. too late. calvin and hobbs is a little modern for me--how about stupefyin' jones instead?

i wish i had moonbeam mc swines build, mammy yokums smarts and general jubilation t. cornpone's military tactics

06-28-2012, 02:24 AM
D-nied cuz idk wat ur talkin bout lol, is that liek a tv show or somthin lol? Sry @ ur wish lol ive only been gening liek 2 weeks and its just bcuz the judge sed i gotta do it 4 my communtiy service hrs cuz i got pulled over 4 txtin wile drivin lol :) ;) :*

i wsh my stoopid mom wld let me get my tounge peirced already lol

Drachen Jager
06-28-2012, 04:23 AM
Granted. In fact she's so stupid she volunteers to pierce it herself. She grabs a three-hole punch and does it on the spot for you.

I wish I had a magic 8 ball that actually gave good advice.

06-28-2012, 06:07 AM
What's that you said Drach? You want eight testicles? Kind of like the Octa Ball? Granted! I don't know what kind of magic you think that arrangement will work for you but since you want my advice let me say--don't wear your speedo to a public pool!

i wish the vet would check my ears for mites. i'm not hearing so good.

06-28-2012, 08:20 AM
Granted. The Vet said there was nothing wrong, but he fixed you anyway.

I wish I could travel first class for free on any airline in the world.

06-28-2012, 08:59 AM
Granted. However, in order to fly free you must spend all your time going up and down the aisles trying to get passengers to buy Phillips' Colon Health, explaining--with an idiotic smile on your face--why they need to keep their colons functioning smoothly.*

* I don't know if you've seen this commercial. It turns up frequently on my TV, with this manic woman walking around urging flight passengers to take care of their bowels. The passengers respond with ecstatic smiles. It's ridiculous--like most commercials.


I wish I could think of a clever idea for a commercial and get paid a lot of money for it.

06-28-2012, 01:01 PM
okay--i'll give you an idea--fence posts! there are so few trees out here that wooden fence posts are in huge demand. in the olden days folks just carved their own from native limestone. they are heavy, can't be moved without a tractor and the cows like to rub up against them and snap them off. wooden fence posts sell like hotcakes! i even thought up a jingle :
Nym's fence posts
add a little electricity and the mavericks are toast
Nym's fence posts
New York's finest we boast!

going to the kitchen now for a small piece of coconut cake. wish i could lose weight.

06-28-2012, 05:08 PM
Granted. Here comes a foolproof recipe for your next cake: Please do not use eggs, or sugar, or margarine, or double cream, or coconut flakes under any circumstances. Bon appetit.

I wish I knew what sharks taste like.

06-28-2012, 05:16 PM
boiled in motor oil they have to taste better than this cake recipe you gave me!

i wish robbert could have a positive dining experience at a shark cafeteria

06-28-2012, 07:33 PM
Granted. Unfortunately for Robbert to have a positive dining experience at a cafeteria catering to sharks the Genie has to turn him into a shark. He has his positive experience but afterwards must watch out for everyone fishing for sharks.
I wish I could safely photograph a great white shark.

06-28-2012, 08:05 PM
Granted. You get into your diving gear, go down and get a fantastic photo of a great white shark, which you immediately send digitally to the surface. This photo will appear in every news story and will go viral on the Internet.

Unfortunately, after you have safely taken this photo, the shark turns toward you and...I'm sorry, I can't bring myself to describe what happens next. :e2teeth:

I wish I could go to my mailbox today and find something wonderful waiting for me there.

Drachen Jager
06-28-2012, 08:51 PM
Granted. I racked my brains for the thing you humans find most wonderful in life, I had to sneak into a lot of houses late at night to find enough to make your surprise truly wonderful. There are sixteen infants waiting for you.


I wish I'd get a dollar every time a baby cried somewhere in the world.

06-29-2012, 01:47 AM
Granted. However, you also get the baby that generated the dollar and must care for it until it finishes college.

I wish I had inner beauty.

06-29-2012, 02:23 AM
Granted. Your innards are breathtaking. A folder of your chiropractic x-rays finds its way into the hands of Damien Hirst, who is so enamored by your glorious giblets that he kidnaps, fillets, and turns you inside-out, encases you in a block of lucite, and sells you to an anonymous Japanese collector for £4.3 million.

I wish my cats would learn to use the toilet like all those other cats on youtube. I mean, they all come in and stare at me whenever I'm using it, so they really ought to know how it works by now.

06-29-2012, 03:58 AM
if that were true the little staring bastards would know how to have missionary position sex too.

but that is neither here nor there. your wish is granted. your kitties now are capable of using the toilet. of course you will have to potty train them first to get down the finer points like toilet paper is not for shredding and fishing is not allowed.

i wish my grand daughters would learn to counterfeit 100$ bills. they are only ten and seven so of course they won't go to jail. i could use the money while they are staying with me and i'd be sooo surprised if they got busted

06-29-2012, 04:18 AM
Granted, unfortunately they are caught at your house. CPS takes them away and you are required to volunteer for a year at the recycling factory where you turn your counterfeit $100 bills into toliet paper.

I wish my house is magically cleaned when I get home.

Drachen Jager
06-29-2012, 09:57 AM
Granted. Genie will scrub it down to the two-by-fours for you.

I wish I was better at talking like a pirate.

06-29-2012, 11:20 AM
Granted. You become a pirate by making illegal copies of DVDs and selling them on the international market. Your talk gets better as you say things like "Get me a thousand copies of Snow White and the Huntsman, and it wouldn't hurt to burn a few more thousand copies of Men in Black 3, too. We'll fly 'em down to that abandoned airstrip near Spokane."

Oh, you meant some other kind of pirate? You must learn to be more specific when talking to the Genie.

I wish I could walk into a bookstore and see my book prominently displayed.

06-29-2012, 04:10 PM
wish granted. every one of your books is on display in every bookstore in the tungusic speaking world.

i wish that my lawn would water itself

06-29-2012, 04:40 PM
i wish that my lawn would water itself

Granted .. sort of

the undiscovered toxic waste leak has finaly arrived under your lawn. You are about to see how fast it can grow.

I wish I had some cow bait.

06-29-2012, 04:47 PM
wish granted-- a rod and reel with a bale of alfalfa on the hook. hope you have a good casting arm.

i wish my porch would paint itself

Drachen Jager
06-29-2012, 08:50 PM
Granted. It enjoys painting itself so much that it's a new colour every day. Unfortunately it has no taste, and you can never use the porch because the paint is always wet.

I wish I could just teleport places instead of having to pack bags and travel and all that crap.

06-29-2012, 09:39 PM
Granted. But the Genie is honor-bound to warn you that today's teleportation equipment is subject to frequent malfunctions. He remembers one client who set off for Boston and ended up on Komodo Island, facing several very large lizards. But go ahead and teleport yourself. What does the Genie care? :ROFL:

I wish the temperature would drop to a pleasant 72° F (22° C), so I can go out and have fun this evening without sweating.

06-30-2012, 03:17 AM
Granted, but you have to take a thunderstorm along with it. At least you won't be covered with sweat, but you might be completely drenched with rain. Enjoy your evening!

I wish I could just go home and take a peaceful nap.

Drachen Jager
06-30-2012, 09:58 AM
Granted. Home is now a pine box. The nap is a very, very long one.

I wish I could read minds.

06-30-2012, 10:14 AM
Granted. You can read the minds of zombies.

I wish I had a magic carpet.

06-30-2012, 12:17 PM
Granted. You're given a magic carpet by a suspicious looking furry person. You lay the carpet out, but when you step on it, you turn into a toad.

I wish I had a time machine.

06-30-2012, 01:21 PM
Granted. It's on your left wrist.

I wish I were the undisputed ruler of Lummerland.

07-02-2012, 10:27 AM
Granted. You are King of Lummerland and have adopted the title Robbert XIII 1/4. You rule your subjects with an iron fist, but not without a degree of kindness. You can't understand why you have only three subjects.

I wish I could bring a dinosaur back to life and ask it what life was like on Earth 100 million years ago.

07-02-2012, 02:25 PM
Granted. But it seems that none of the rest of us can hear what you're saying any more, after you've been swallowed whole.

I wish I could win the lottery.

07-03-2012, 04:16 AM
Granted. But the prize is a free gall bladder removal. Which you don't need, but the rules say you must accept.

I wish I had three wishes.

07-03-2012, 05:39 AM
Granted. You are optioned a free gall bladder removal, a new dino child, or a...a super secret probation third wish that we can't talk about openly....shhhhh

I wish I had pants that weren't so snug.

07-03-2012, 03:28 PM
Granted. The Genie feels obliged to spare EVERYONE else from seeing you in those pants. Of course, now you're pants are so big you drown in them :D

I wish I had energy to work on my WIP.

07-03-2012, 03:49 PM

Your genie bears a striking resemblance to Rick James. You receive a large baggy of white intranasal "energy powder" that will not only ensure you finish your WIP, but also the entire 7-book series... by the end of the weekend. That Melmacian proboscis really comes in handy sometimes.

I wish the giant spider would leave my bathroom. I have to pee really, really bad, and I can't do it with him watching me.

07-03-2012, 07:13 PM
Granted: The Genie just checked, it's a female spider, so please go ahead.

I wish I owned a bungalow in Central Park.

07-03-2012, 07:31 PM
okay--here it is. don't mind the giant spider under the toilet seat.

i wish i had a never ending supply of lemons, mint, ice cubes and tea

07-04-2012, 12:58 AM
Granted: You get the whole lot, but Please note, as of today you're effectively removed from the pool of applicants who can wish for booze.

I wish I could afford a 1980s perm.

07-04-2012, 01:14 AM
Granted, and when you walk down the street you never figure out why people are laughing.

I wish I could be invisible whenever I want.

07-04-2012, 02:13 AM
Granted. But who said that, where is he, and does he realise that he'll also be invisible when he doesn't want?

I wish I could breathe under water.

07-04-2012, 04:23 AM
Granted: But then your scuba tank runs out of water......thankfully.....or not.....your rescued by aqua-hero; Prince Nymaortoc, the slug mariner. He gives you mouth to mouth to revive you where-upon you promptly become a listerine alcoholic just to forget the memory...and taste.

I wish I may, I wish I might....wish that 80's fashion comes back into style and I had vans, and a members only jacket again.

07-04-2012, 05:21 AM
Your wish is granted you have your 80's fashions, vans and your members only jacket to the purple people eaters club.

wish I had a 1960's teal mustang with white leather interior.

07-04-2012, 05:28 AM
Granted: Once you get out of the state pen for bootlegging, you can redeem your car from the police impound lot.

I wish I had a nickel for everytime Nymtoc didn't have a thought....I'd be a billionare by now.

07-04-2012, 07:03 AM
Granted. Unfortunately they're all wooden.
I wish I had a horse of the Rohirrim.

07-04-2012, 10:15 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, horses of the Rohirrim explode when a certain vertebra in their spine is pressed with sufficient force. Sadly, that vertabra was directly under your saddle.

I wish the Queen would dance the Hokey Pokey in my living room.

07-04-2012, 10:33 AM
Granted. She will arrive in your living room any minute now.

Sarah Palin - Porn Queen on Vimeo (http://vimeo.com/1929538)

Oh, you were thinking of a different queen?

I wish I had ESP.

07-04-2012, 01:44 PM
Granted: You now have ESP plus a new job--truck driver.

I wish I could lead an independent, authority-free life.

07-04-2012, 02:31 PM
Granted. You are now a hippy who's always high on leafy substances, living under the delusion that you answer to no one.

I wish I knew what hopscotch was.

07-04-2012, 03:42 PM
I wish I knew what hopscotch was.

Granted: It's a wonderful blend of Stout and Whiskey especially concocted for the ladies.

I wish I had a hairnet.

07-04-2012, 03:45 PM
Granted. It stretches all over your house and is forever catching your hair.
I wish I could meet Aragorn.

07-04-2012, 03:50 PM
I wish I could meet Aragorn.

Denied ... and there is a restraining order on the way.

I wish I could give you all of my unexpired restraining orders

07-04-2012, 10:22 PM
Granted; but, they are only photocopies and have no effect on K.

I wish I could explore Moria with Gimli.

07-04-2012, 10:33 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, it's balrog season. I hope you brought something stronger than Deep Woods Off.

I wish there was something good on tv.

07-04-2012, 10:41 PM
Denied. Even the Genie can't make that happen.

I wish I could change shape, like Plastic Man.

07-04-2012, 10:48 PM
Granted: You can happily change your shape to any of the plastic novelty gag gifts that are so famous.....dog poo-poo....vomit....and so-so....your a hit at every drunken office party.

I wish I had a case of Balrog Off spray.....they're worse than mosquitoes.

07-04-2012, 11:08 PM
Granted. Alas, even balrog spray is not effective against palmetto bugs, banana spiders, or those wretched little Asian roaches... and you have to go back home sometime.

(I'm from FL, too... Loved the 'dillos, hated the bugs.)

I wish my obese longhaired cat would find somewhere else to sleep besides on me. It's frickin' 90 degrees in this house and I don't need the extra insulation.

07-04-2012, 11:09 PM
Granted. Gandalf had it in his hand when he turned white so be sure to read the accidental contamination of skin folder that is affixed to the label.

i wish i could get a balrog to substitute my spanish 1 freshmen classes

07-04-2012, 11:12 PM
can't grant that one darthie-- i just got up from a nap with an ankle bracelet of damp cat hair. if i give just anyone a respite from heat seeking obese cats just think what the summer will be like for those of us who don't have it!

i wish my cats, sundown, scout and liv, had never learned that A/C exists.

07-04-2012, 11:31 PM
My powers are not so great that I can unlearn a cat. I'm powerless against their feline wiles. However, I can grant your previous wish.

Grand L. Bush, the actor who portrayed Balrog in the live-action Street Fighter movie, subs your Spanish class. In lieu of actual español he instructs them in the fine art of muy-thai kickboxing. They're ready for you when you come back.

Speaking of cat hair... I wish I had a roomba. Or, you know... a small fleet of roombas.

07-04-2012, 11:34 PM

07-05-2012, 11:42 AM
The Genie has no time to waste on someone who merely says "Grrrrr." Please do not bother the Genie again.


However, the Genie, in his usual kind way, will grant the wish of the previous poster. You want roombas? You got 'em, a whole fleet. Unfortunately, their power is three times more powerful than it is supposed to be, and they suck up your carpets, your curtains, your drapes, your towels, your tablecloths and--sorry--your dog, your cat and your canary.

I wish I had a French maid of the sort you see in old movies--short skirt, saucy smile, tantalizing walk and all the rest.

07-05-2012, 04:02 PM
Granted. unfortunately she is secretly a warrior princess who believes you are a lord of ultimate evil whom no man can overcome.
I wish I could read every book in the library.

07-05-2012, 07:54 PM
Denied: The Genie does not have permission to make you immortal.

I wish I'd met Al Capote.

07-05-2012, 07:59 PM
The Genie is puzzled. Are you referring to Al Capote, the depraved cousin of Truman Capote? If so, your wish is granted. However, Al Capote is convicted of drug smuggling and names you as his main supplier. You are both convicted and sent to prison for many years.

I wish it were not so hot here.

07-05-2012, 08:47 PM
ah, nymmie, heat is only as hot as you make it. i am granting you the day in a red nylon speed-o. with white sweat sox and blue converse sneakers. kind of patriotic and i am hoping not too much of an eyesore on the pavement. might want to do a few push ups before you go out. remember hot is what you make it.

i wish that my garden hat, cut off shorts, sneakers and neil diamond concert tee-shirt would become high fashion before i have to run to the grocery store. making black, manure encrusted nails a fashion statement would be a nice, too.

07-05-2012, 09:13 PM
Granted! Shakey is magically whisked to Greeneville, TN, where the attire she described is acceptable not only at grocery stores, but also weddings, funerals, and (I'm not even joking here) our Annual Cornhole Tournament (http://www.thecornholenation.com/TennesseeEventListings.html). May God have mercy on your soul.

And since you're already all dressed up, you can help DarthPanda pick her tomatoes and greasy-beans! Woo! :D

Speaking of which... I wish I knew what to do with forty pounds of zucchini. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I planted this much stuff.

07-05-2012, 09:52 PM
Granted. You find a cookbook of zucchini recipes, but by the time you've tried every single recipe in the book, you still have half of your zucchini left and you're sick to death of zucchini.

I wish I had an endless pot of coffee....

07-06-2012, 04:08 AM
Granted: But your running to the loo so much after drinking so many gallons of coffee you don't have time to drink the remaining coffee that you've left behind while you "loo" out the first 60 gallons. Most distressing.

I wish I wasn't a hobbit....or so I've been led to believe.

07-06-2012, 04:56 AM
Granted. Now you're not a hobbit, you're a hobo...or so you believe. You keep hitching rides in boxcars, which is a problem because you're actually the train's engineer. And your clothes sense has completely gone to hell.

I wish I was a daredevil highwire walker.

07-06-2012, 05:07 AM
Granted. But that has to be in the past tense, know what I mean? You were a daredevil highwire walker, until the day when, 200 feet above the ground, without a net, you lost your balance and...but I can't go on.

I wish I were a pro football player with a multimillion-dollar salary.

07-06-2012, 07:34 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it ends when you break your leg in a tackle and are never able to play again.

I wish I could visit Middle-Earth.

07-06-2012, 09:47 PM
Granted. The Genie has tracked your Lord of the rings obsession through many threads, and feels you deserve to have this wish granted. You're transported to Middle Earth, but end up stuck in Gollum's body and... er, you know how it ends.

I wish Legolas could've given me a fair shot, before falling for shakey.

07-06-2012, 10:00 PM
Granted. He gives you a very fair shot... Right between the eyes. That makes the final score:

Leggy: 76 orcs, 4 oliphants, 1 A.L.F.
Gimli: 52 orcs, 2 wargs, and a large groundhog he mistook for a goblin.

I wish I had enough milk for my cereal.

07-06-2012, 10:08 PM
Granted. Here is a pitcher of milk from the Genie's own sow.

I wish I could make things in real life come out the way they do in fiction.

07-06-2012, 10:34 PM
Granted. But that would mean the following. Komnena would fry in a volcano because of her ring obsession. DarthPanda would be Alexaherself's estranged father, which would mean a sexchange op for DP. Robbert would be a hobbbit in Bermuda shorts. Shakey and I'd have a mudwrestling match over Legolas... only to discover that armydillo was really Legolas. Drachen Jager would slay dragons. And Nymtoc... you'd be so horrified by all this, you'd be standing there in ruby slippers frantically tapping your heels together to undo the damage.

I wish for a cup of tea to settle my nerves.

07-07-2012, 12:19 AM
hey--you are in luck. i'm cleaning out the fridge and here is a pitcher. not sure what kind this started out as, but it looks a nice minty green now. we'll call it green tea. i'm sending a strainer along.

i wish a nice genie would mop the kitchen floor for me

07-07-2012, 12:25 AM
Granted. This nice genie is sending an apprentice genie to mop your kitchen floor. I hope he has gotten over his habit of mopping floors with goo he collects from septic tanks.

I wish people would stop making fun of my Cinderella sig.

07-07-2012, 03:05 AM
Granted. Now you are Cinderella, and can't be mocked. However, your feet are badly damaged when you forget you're not in the Wizard of Oz and click your glass heels together to escape the prince's amorous intentions.

I wish I understood why I have to keep buying socks when I mate them regularly--shouldn't that produce more?

07-07-2012, 03:20 AM
I wish I understood why I have to keep buying socks when I mate them regularly--shouldn't that produce more?

Sox are much like Panda's in that they do not often succefully mate while in captivity. There is a growing jungle of wild lost ferrel sox that is going to envelope the world one of these days.

I wish I had a periscope popsicle.

07-07-2012, 04:22 AM
Granted: But it's of limited use in solitary confinement. You can barely see past the cell bars.

I wish PSB's new avatar didn't look like MaM's new Gollum theme.

07-07-2012, 04:24 AM
Hey! Pandas mate JUST FINE when nobody's looking. Ain't a damn thing wrong with this panda's mating skillz! We're just a private sort, that's all. Don't want to blow your little human minds with our awesome acrobatic panda sexin'. There's actually a saying, "once you go black-n-white, you never go... uh... to Albuquerque."


Anyway. -ahem-

I wish I had one of those replicator things from Star Trek, so I could just be like, "Computer! Make me a sammich!"

07-07-2012, 04:25 AM
GRRR! The 'dillo has taken revenge!

07-07-2012, 04:27 AM
Take that evil bear like creature....and your sloths tooooo....ahahahahaha

07-07-2012, 04:27 AM
Granted. But it melts.

I wish I knew why the Higgs boson isn't mentioned in the Bible.