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HarryHoskins
04-29-2011, 04:34 AM
Wahhooo! Granted. The monkey takes you to the top of the tree. (You did say Baboon right? Difficult to hear here what with the celebrations)

I wish someone would invent a perpetual motion device.

PorterStarrByrd
04-29-2011, 06:37 AM
I wish I could go up really high in a balloon.

Granted
You go up really high in a ballon and are the first to get a lighter than air DUI felony charge. Are you always this self destructive?

I wish I had some sardines and a donut.

PorterStarrByrd
04-29-2011, 06:39 AM
I wish someone would invent a perpetual motion device.


Granted
They did that a long time ago. I married it.

I wish I could type faster than Harry

Drachen Jager
04-29-2011, 07:48 AM
Uhh Granted... You just did type 'faster than Harry' you know? What a dumb wish.

I wish I was a brain surgeon.

Kim Fierce
04-29-2011, 08:36 AM
Granted. You perform surgery for 18 hours a day every day.

I wish I could sing.

Nymtoc
04-29-2011, 08:45 AM
Granted. But you can only sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb," and you sing it constantly and drive everyone nuts.

I wish I could read Sophocles in the original Greek.

Drachen Jager
04-29-2011, 09:05 AM
Granted. All your English faculties have been swapped for ancient Greek. Too bad nobody else reads or speaks ancient Greek.

I wish I had a pet monkey like that guy on Friends.

Riyyah
04-29-2011, 09:32 AM
Granted. But it won't stop screaming, and it steals all your shiny things and sells them on ebay.

I wish I were a fairy. ;D

Nymtoc
04-29-2011, 09:43 AM
Granted. You are a tooth fairy--but only for tigers, who misunderstand your generosity and bring a rapid end to your career.

I wish I were a Pharaoh.

HarryHoskins
04-29-2011, 02:12 PM
Granted. You make the first cut but you don't get to crew in the Boat Race.

I wish I could find my inflatable bed charger.

PorterStarrByrd
04-29-2011, 03:30 PM
I wish I could find my inflatable bed charger.

Granted
The genie knows was you REALLY want (and need) to be inflated ... but we'll just say that your bed is inflated now.


I wish I could see Multnomah Falls again. I should have taken a picture when I could.

Nymtoc
04-29-2011, 04:34 PM
Partially granted. Here is the picture you would have taken when you could.

http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/MULTNOMAH%20FALLS.jpg

I wish I had a big bag of freshly popped popcorn with lots of butter.

PorterStarrByrd
04-29-2011, 05:06 PM
I wish I had a big bag of freshly popped popcorn with lots of butter.


Granted
Checked the fridge and i was out of butter .. didn't think you wanted margerine. I did however find some peanut BUTTER and you now have your wish. Might want to grab a few extra napkins before you sit down.


I wish I had a picture of Bridal Veil Falls to go with my Multnomah Fall picture which I have framed and put on my piano.

Nymtoc
04-29-2011, 08:50 PM
The Genie is starting to get irritated. He flew thousands of miles to take the picture of Multnomah, and now you want a picture of something called Bridal Veil Falls, and you don't even specify which one. There are Bridal Veil Falls in North Carolina, Oregon,Yosemite and another that is part of Niagara Falls, and still more. The Genie cannot fly all over the planet to fulfill your every whim unless you are more specific. WISH DENIED.

I wish I could have been around at the time of the French Revolution. I could have worked as a reporter or something.

Reziac
04-29-2011, 10:16 PM
Granted. You are now King Louis XVI.

I wish the French Revolution had not done away with the apprenticeship system.

Drachen Jager
04-29-2011, 10:28 PM
Granted. You are now an apprentice and must work for 20 years before even getting the chance to become a journeyman. During that time you will live in the apprentice quarters with a dozen other apprentices in bunks. Your room and board is provided but you only earn six shillings a month. I hope this return to tradition satisfies you.

I wish I could take all the things I will learn in the next twenty years and insert them into my brain right now.

slcboston
04-29-2011, 11:06 PM
Granted.

You know kung fu.


... and that's it. What can I say, the next 20 years are kind of slow for you.



I wish finals were over and the exams graded for me.

Drachen Jager
04-30-2011, 12:01 AM
Granted. You earn 0 on each of your exams (What did you expect! You didn't attend any of them!)

I wish I had a computer interface where I could just put my thoughts directly into the computer and they would appear, with perfect grammar, without the need for typing everything out.

slcboston
04-30-2011, 12:04 AM
Granted.

Grammar is perfect. Even punctuation. (Feeling generous.) However, there is no edit function, and EVERYTHING you think, as you think it, ends up written down. Don't expect to get more than a paragraph of coherent thought.


*amends previous wish* No, I'm the teacher. I'm not taking the exams. I'm *giving them*. And would like them done now, thank you.

:D

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 12:09 AM
Haf Grinted. Teh egnie si uccrently woksing on sooch a prooduct. Shewill, getbeck ot ouy whne; tis gherkin.

I wish cigarettes weren't bad for you.

slcboston
04-30-2011, 12:10 AM
Granted.

So long as you don't smoke them. Otherwise, all bets are off.

:D

*points to previous, unanswered wish in post #8269*

Nymtoc
04-30-2011, 12:14 AM
All right, all right, keep your shirt on! Your wish is GRANTED.
All your exams have been graded by Cyrus Q. Piddleworth, who graduated at the bottom of every class he ever took and can't even spell his own name. He also believes in the tooth fairy and UFOs and thinks that dinosaurs lived in the Garden of Eden and is certain that Obama was born on Mars.

I wish that I didn't have to rewrite everything about 100 times.

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 12:15 AM
Granted. You take a duvet day until the end of term and you let the genie's new marking machine handle the papers. What could possibly go wrong?

I wish I hadn't have missed the last two years of secondary school.

Argghhh. :)

slcboston
04-30-2011, 12:16 AM
.. I actually see nothing wrong with that, Nymtoc. :roll:

Granted.

It's now only 95 and 3/4.

ETA: and for HH: Also granted. Now you didn't attend secondary school AT ALL>

:D


I wish I didn't need a new fixture for my shower. Stupid plastic parts.

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 12:45 AM
Granted. Your new shower fixture is Ralph, a forty eight year old ex-wrestler.

I wish I could could sing.

PorterStarrByrd
04-30-2011, 01:22 AM
Granted. Your new shower fixture is Ralph, a forty eight year old ex-wrestler.

I wish I could could sing.

Granted but postponed ..
Working on a mailing list of EVERYONE who wishes you could sing.

I wish I knew which side of the saw to stand on while I am pruning the redwood tree.

Drachen Jager
04-30-2011, 01:51 AM
Granted. It's neither. You don't prune redwoods.

I wish Porter would come up with more sensible wishes.

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 01:56 AM
Granted. Porter is now the Minister of Sensible Wishes and ensures that every wish, including his own, rates three or lower on the silly scale.

I wish I could do one of those running forward flip-things that look so impressive when people who do them on the beach in thier tight speedos and impressive bodies I also wish I hadn't gone to the Gertrude Stein school of punctuation.

Nymtoc
04-30-2011, 02:33 AM
Do you really expect the Genie to grant two wishes? (You realize there will come a time when you have used up all your wishes, don't you?) Very well, then. Your two wishes are granted:

You CAN do those running-forward FLIP things in your Speedos and impress the hell out of EVERYBODY on the beach, and you didn't go to the Gertrude Stein School of Punctuation, you went to the COMIC BOOK school of HIT-'EM-IN-THE-FACE Writing!!!

I wish participants in this thread would make more reasonable wishes.

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 02:57 AM
Granted. Me and Porter leave the thread.

I wish me and Porter could come back in the thread.

slcboston
04-30-2011, 03:28 AM
Not granted.

The Genie does NOT deal with people who flounce. :e2tongue:


I wish all my posts could look like Nymtoc's comic book post, without my having to take 15 minutes to do all the colors, fonts, and sizes.

:D

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 03:34 AM
Granted. You now have Steve Ditko as your personal sketch artist. Unfortunately, he is bound by your wish and only draws in the style of Nymtoc.

I wish Bonsai trees were bigger.

PorterStarrByrd
04-30-2011, 03:40 AM
I wish Bonsai trees were bigger.


Granted
They have become so big that everybody wants at least two. The Redwood Forest, no longer popular, has been cut down and replaced with a new Bonsai forest.

Greenpeace requested your name and adress. Actually they wished for it so I didn't have much choice.


I wish I had a whale or two, or maybe another source for a lifetime supply of fishsticks.

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 03:46 AM
Granted. You watch a sad film and have a wail or two. Afterward, you clone your fingers and get a job at the Birdseye gutting facility.

I wish I had a garden.

Nymtoc
04-30-2011, 04:39 AM
Granted. You have a garlic garden.

I wish states like Arizona wouldn't adopt official state guns.

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 04:44 AM
Granted. Arizona bans the official state gun in favour of the official state Hedgehog. Zoo's are outraged, hospitals are flooded with prickly injuries and the 1970s food fad of cheese on a stick prospers after a particularly nasty showdown in the Pepperjack factory.

I wish people were as kind to each other as they are to their mothers.

Drachen Jager
04-30-2011, 05:14 AM
Granted. Lizzie Borden wiped out the whole human race. Nice going Harry!

I wish I had a fan club.

HarryHoskins
04-30-2011, 05:22 AM
Granted. Fifty two poverty stricken Ethiopians now keep you cool. You begin to receive letters from the board of human rights.

I wish social butterflies would stay pinned to a board in the natural history museum.

PorterStarrByrd
04-30-2011, 03:24 PM
I wish social butterflies would stay pinned to a board in the natural history museum.


Granted
Thousands of hospitality workers find themselves no longer obligated to show up for work ... ever. Boutique shops close by the hundreds. Taxes are raised to make up for the loss of tax revenue. We all thank you.

I wish dogs would stop lifting their leg on my cane.

Nymtoc
04-30-2011, 03:44 PM
That's an easy one for the Genie. They now lift their legs directly on you, one on each leg.

I wish I had a mountain of vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips.

shakeysix
04-30-2011, 04:51 PM
wish granted-- not quite a mountain but a lovely house sized mound of the stuff, studded with choco chips and slathered with marshmallow cream and slivered almonds. it's right here, waiting for you on the courthouse square in st. john kansas. just take i-70 to st. louis, then go to kansas city mo. cross over to kansas city, ks. turn left at topeka and continue on for the next five hours. better hurry, it was 80* yesterday--s6

i wish someone would pack new and exciting lunches for me.

Phantom Rottweiler
04-30-2011, 05:41 PM
Granted. Your lunches are so new and exciting that they get contracted to model for every magazine in the world.

I wish I could hang out with my favorite music band.

defcon6000
04-30-2011, 07:13 PM
Granted - except there is no My Favorite Music Band to hang out with.

I wish my room wasn't so warm.

Reziac
04-30-2011, 07:15 PM
Granted. It is now as cold as my room, which is 56F degrees this morning.

I wish someone else would do chores for me this morning. Or better yet, every morning!

PorterStarrByrd
04-30-2011, 07:27 PM
I wish someone else would do chores for me this morning. Or better yet, every morning!

Granted minimumly. Didn't have the heart or the guts to do it for every day

They've started a new holiday named after you. someday it will have become traditional to wake up and do Chores for you. It is not going to be a popular holiday .. the best I could do was make it last 25 years
At that point the tradition will change to spitting on your grave and the holiday will probably last a little longer


I wish they made wooden bicycles like they used to

defcon6000
04-30-2011, 07:32 PM
Granted - but the bike catches on fire in this horrid summer heat.

I wish Taco Bell served real Mexican food - hell, real food period.

Nymtoc
05-01-2011, 12:11 AM
Granted. From now on Taco Bell serves nothing but corned beef and cabbage. That's real food, isn't it?

I wish I could take a ride on Air Force 1.

PorterStarrByrd
05-01-2011, 01:44 AM
Granted. From now on Taco Bell serves nothing but corned beef and cabbage. That's real food, isn't it?

I wish I could take a ride on Air Force 1.

heh heh ..
Genie is not going to be tricked into helping you with your campaign.

You've got about as much chance of getting a ride in AF1 as you do being elected President.

I wish I'd only eaten three pieces of liver .. be right back

HarryHoskins
05-01-2011, 02:44 AM
Granted, And yes, you will be right back. The Genie casts a time circle on you. You eat the liver, then uneat the liver - repeat for eternity.

I wish I could chop down Cherry trees at will without having to admit to it.

Nymtoc
05-01-2011, 03:15 AM
Granted. You chop down 95% of all the cherry trees in the world without having to admit it, leaving the remaining 5% in the possession of Nymtoc, who now has a lucrative monopoly on cherries and all related products.

I wish I could discover a new species.

HarryHoskins
05-01-2011, 04:05 AM
Granted. Your amazonian travels are rewarded when you discover a rare and deadly species of spider. You name the beast Nymtocious Lovelyious, and bring a specimen back home. The beast promptly escapes, copulates and devastates the northern seaboard of the United States. What's in a name, eh?

I wish I could be funny again.

Nymtoc
05-01-2011, 05:18 AM
Granted. This will make you appear funny (if not actually be funny) for quite some time:

http://www.jokebook.com/

I wish I could visit a castle that has a real ghost.

HarryHoskins
05-01-2011, 05:23 AM
Granted. Your IQ drops thirty points and you book a tour of England with Ghosties Guaranteed tours. Wow!

I wish I hadn't just cut my hair as short as I did.

Drachen Jager
05-01-2011, 09:10 AM
Granted. You shaved it instead.

I wish I knew whether I'd look good bald or not.

Nymtoc
05-01-2011, 09:46 AM
Granted. The Genie has shaved your head, long-distance. Look in the mirror. You don't like it? Tough :censored !

I wish I had a carriage pulled by four white steeds.

wistfullylinda
05-01-2011, 10:58 AM
Granted. Here's Cinderella's. Hope you don't need it past midnight.

I wish I could type a thousand words per minute.

PorterStarrByrd
05-01-2011, 03:29 PM
I wish I could type a thousand words per minute.


Granted
They don't go to gether all that well, but you're used to that so it doesn't bother you.


I wish I could hit the bullseye.

HarryHoskins
05-01-2011, 04:12 PM
Granted. The bull, however, has two eyes. With his good one he see's where you are and introduces himself at speed.

I wish I had a right angled screwdriver.

PorterStarrByrd
05-01-2011, 04:57 PM
I wish I had a right angled screwdriver.


Granted ..
As your head lays on the bar, you try try to figure out how to drink just one more of them


I wish the nut fit the bolt

Nymtoc
05-01-2011, 08:38 PM
Granted. You will fit the bolt that the Genie is sending.

I wish I had a 30-room mansion.

PorterStarrByrd
05-01-2011, 09:00 PM
I wish I had a 30-room mansion.


Granted
Unusual design, at the request of a prune farmer. It has a bedroom, kitchen, dining room, and 27 bathrooms.


I wish the best for nymtoc

Nymtoc
05-01-2011, 09:11 PM
Granted. Nymtoc is sending you a bowl of fresh strawberries as a token of thanks, though they may be less than fresh when they get there, since he is sending them by mule.

I wish Porter would move to a more civilized place. It takes the Genie forever to get to his godforsaken shack in the wilderness.

Reziac
05-01-2011, 09:27 PM
Granted. Porter now lives in MY godforsaken shack in the wilderness, from which you can now see encroaching civilization.

I wish my godforsaken shack was further out in the wilderness, about where you can just see civilization with a good telescope.

HarryHoskins
05-01-2011, 09:29 PM
Granted. Porter moves to Texas. You gotta start somewhere.

Granted. You move to Norwich.

I wish I was a better cook.

Reziac
05-01-2011, 09:37 PM
The Genie gives you a copy of Rez's forthcoming cookbook, which is entitled Why No One Eats At My House. Probably shoulda specified who you wanted to be a better cook than...

Norwich looks far too civilized. I wish I were already moved back to Montana.

CDSinex
05-01-2011, 11:27 PM
Granted: The Genie transports you to this lovely location (http://www.remotemontanaland.com/). You will have to walk out for supplies because you neglected to ask for a vehicle.

http://remotemontanaland.com/Overhead.jpg



I wish wind would blow the pollen away from my house.

Nymtoc
05-02-2011, 12:02 AM
Granted. The wind has blown all the pollen away from your house. It has blown away a few other things, too:

http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/THIS.JPG

I wish I didn't feel so tired, because I'm supposed to do something important tonight.

HarryHoskins
05-02-2011, 12:28 AM
Granted. Your tiredness dissipates leaving you perky enough to really enjoy alphabetizing your sock draw.

I wish I could know what Nymtoc was really doing tonight without having to get my binoculars.

Nymtoc
05-02-2011, 12:37 AM
Granted. The Genie will tell you everything Nymtoc does tonight in a domain-specific programming language embedded in Lisp. You can read that, can't you?

I wish HarryHoskins was not so interested in my private life.

HarryHoskins
05-02-2011, 12:39 AM
Granted. He is now interested in your private parts.

I wish things were bigger.

Nymtoc
05-02-2011, 12:46 AM
WISH SUSPENDED. The Genie requires that you be more specific.

I wish tomorrow would be Sunday again.

HarryHoskins
05-02-2011, 12:49 AM
Granted. Tomorrow becomes yesterday. Monday becomes Sunday. Shaun Ryder and the Bangles sue you.

I wish Abraham Lincoln could've told a few more jokes at the Gettysburg Address.

Pistol Whipped Bee
05-02-2011, 01:17 AM
Granted. But you get shot so you miss them.
I wish I didn't have allergies.

Nymtoc
05-02-2011, 03:12 AM
Granted. You don't have allergies, but your doctor thinks you do, so he puts you on medications that keep you drowsy all the time.

I wish I something exciting would happen to me.

PorterStarrByrd
05-02-2011, 03:44 AM
I wish I something exciting would happen to me.

Granted

A cab will be by in ten minutes to take you to Harry Haskins place.


I wish I had a video that

Reziac
05-02-2011, 03:50 AM
Granted. The video was censored, since it involved Nymtoc and Harry Hoskins and...

Come to mention it, I wish I knew what was in that video too!!

defcon6000
05-02-2011, 03:58 AM
Granted. You now know what was on the video, but the knowledge has partially melted your brain as it was "too much" for one person.

I wish time would stop.

slcboston
05-02-2011, 05:22 PM
Granted.

Time was stopped for about an hour or so at 1:30 AM EDT last night. However, as time was stopped for everyone, no one really much noticed anything. Eventually time resumed, and the universe went on as normal.


I wish I knew how the bats were getting into the third floor office.

PorterStarrByrd
05-02-2011, 05:33 PM
.


I wish I knew how the bats were getting into the third floor office.


Granted
Fed-Ex is bringing in the ones you ordered from a sport memorabelia store.


I wish it was snowing outside so I'd have something to see on the news instead of the Wedding aftermath and the Canadian election.

slcboston
05-02-2011, 05:35 PM
Granted.

Have you checked the news this morning?

:D


I wish I could get to the pool without driving for half an hour.

defcon6000
05-02-2011, 05:40 PM
Granted. A flash flood engulfs your neighborhood. Free pool! Just don't get swept up in the current.

I wish the news would shut up.

PorterStarrByrd
05-02-2011, 05:44 PM
I wish the news would shut up.


Granted. It does in your house anyway. You turn of the TV and the Radio.

give me something harder next time

I wish the weather man wasn't falsely reporting that it is snowing here.

Reziac
05-02-2011, 06:02 PM
Granted. It is really snowing there, and you have snowdrifts over your car, like they did in Williston, North Dakota, per pictures from yesterday!

I wish it would only snow on days when I don't have to work outside.

Drachen Jager
05-02-2011, 08:26 PM
Granted. You are fired.

I wish I had a job where I could work an hour a week and take home a full-time paycheque.

Nymtoc
05-02-2011, 08:54 PM
Granted. You work for an avian study institute, and your job is to collect penguin feces from a small penguin population living on a remote ice floe off Antarctica. You do this only one hour a week because of the extreme cold, but you are paid $50 for it, which is considered fair in that region. However, it takes you three days to travel to the ice floe, and three days to return. The travel days are not considered work days.

I wish I never had to pay for food.

PorterStarrByrd
05-02-2011, 08:59 PM
I wish I never had to pay for food.

Granted you have unlimited access to the chicken coop to collect grass food. Keep your filthy hands off of the chickens, please.


I wish I could find a hummingbird nest so I could see the eggs

HarryHoskins
05-03-2011, 03:23 AM
Granted. The hummingbirds now nest in your beard. You worry all day about doing double takes and dislodging the eggs, finally a spit of fat from your mushroom filled frying pan catches you unawares - At least you have a nice omelette.

I wish Porter's likeness was issued on the next special edition of US stamps.

Nymtoc
05-03-2011, 04:18 AM
WISH NOT GRANTED

Porter doesn't live in the US. (Maybe Canada would be interested?)

I wish I didn't keep finding other things to do when I should be working on my manuscript.

Komnena
05-03-2011, 06:10 AM
Granted. You now live in Kansas and more than a hundred miles from the world's largest prairie dog at that.
I wish I had a Tyndale Bible.

PorterStarrByrd
05-03-2011, 07:08 AM
Granted. You now live in Kansas and more than a hundred miles from the world's largest prairie dog at that.
I wish I had a Tyndale Bible.


Uh .... sure... Granted

I wish I knew what a Tyndale Bible was ....

Nymtoc
05-03-2011, 07:26 AM
Granted. You know what a Tyndale Bible is. Now you can go back to hunting woodchucks.

I wish I knew why I have to revise my ms. so much.

PorterStarrByrd
05-03-2011, 02:42 PM
I wish I knew why I have to revise my ms. so much.


Granted .. now you are beginning to understand what kind of a writer you are

I wish that pile of firewood was already stacked in the shed

HarryHoskins
05-03-2011, 02:47 PM
Granted. But why you would want to wish for something you did yesterday is beyond the Genie. Are you sure that hat's not too tight, Porter?

I wish I could the price of booze would come down.

Nymtoc
05-03-2011, 04:09 PM
Granted. But for each penny booze comes down, its alcohol content is reduced by 5%.

I wish I had a merry-go-round.

shakeysix
05-03-2011, 05:11 PM
okay--you now have a wife named mary who gets around!

i wish my cat had trained fleas instead of the garden variety

Reziac
05-03-2011, 06:26 PM
Granted! Your cat now has trained fleas. Your cat trained them to bite you instead of biting the cat.

I wish I had a woodstove, and Porter's pile of firewood. Hmm. Maybe not... I think the genie set Porter's woodshed on fire.

defcon6000
05-03-2011, 08:49 PM
pffft...make up your mind!

Granted. You have a wooden stove, but no firewood. No wonder you're so cold.

I wish the sun would stop trying to burn my retinas out.

HarryHoskins
05-03-2011, 10:22 PM
Granted. It stops trying and starts doing.

I wish I could stop watching The Only Way is Essex.

defcon6000
05-04-2011, 01:19 AM
Granted. You're stuck with blindness, stopping you from watching The Only Way is Essex - or anything else for that matter.

I wish I had more carrot cake.

PorterStarrByrd
05-04-2011, 01:19 AM
Granted. It stops trying and starts doing.

I wish I could stop watching The Only Way is Essex.


Granted

You are about to found out that e-sex isn't as good as the real thing ...

I wish I started so many fires

defcon6000
05-04-2011, 01:21 AM
LOL. Double wish grant.

Granted. You are now Trashcan Man!

Nymtoc
05-04-2011, 02:41 AM
I wish defcon6000 would make a wish.

HarryHoskins
05-04-2011, 02:47 AM
I wish defcon6000 would crit my piece in the sci-fi SYW

PorterStarrByrd
05-04-2011, 03:47 AM
I wish defcon6000 would crit my piece in the sci-fi SYW

Granted ..
You may have a while to wait while DEFCON tries to quit laughing ... was that a comedy SCI FI piece?

I wish I knew the words to "The Hamster Dance"

defcon6000
05-04-2011, 03:52 AM
Granted. You now know the words to Hamster Dance, but because it gets stuck in your head, you try to get the words out by hooking a rubber tube to your brain, and pouring water into you ear. Can't say the results were pretty

(I'll grant yours too Harry 'cause I'm so nice - or evil.)

I still haven't gotten my carrot cake that a wished for. : /

wistfullylinda
05-04-2011, 06:50 AM
Granted. You eat the carrot cake and discover that you've become deathly allergic to carrots at some unknown point in time.

I wish I could visit parallel universes.

defcon6000
05-04-2011, 07:18 AM
Granted. You visit a strange reality that has you crawling up the walls. When you try to return to your own reality, Wormhole Inc. is sorry to inform you that their portals are out-of-order.

I wish we had colonies on Mars.

Nymtoc
05-04-2011, 08:08 AM
Granted. There are colonies of Trichophyton rubrum, an anthropophilic dermatophyte that infects any human who lands on Mars and causes instant death.

I wish I had a flying chair.

wistfullylinda
05-04-2011, 08:18 AM
Granted. You sit on the chair and it takes off into the skies. Sadly, you can't figure out how to steer it or make it bring you back to earth.

I wish I had a magic wardrobe.

Drachen Jager
05-04-2011, 09:13 AM
Granted. Your magic wardrobe sparkles mysteriously (at least you think it's mysterious, your friends think you have a Twilight wardrobe and shun you).

I wish I could fly through willpower.

Nymtoc
05-04-2011, 09:31 AM
Granted. But flying through willpower requires a tremendous amount of energy, and after you have flown about 8 inches half your brain cells are gone.

I wish I could win a race at Indianapolis.

alleycat
05-04-2011, 10:36 AM
Granted. Race in February; the competition is much less then.


I wish people didn't call me when I'm sleeping.

Reziac
05-04-2011, 11:06 AM
Granted. You now have insomnia.

I wish for a good night's sleep.

wistfullylinda
05-04-2011, 01:32 PM
Granted. You will have eight hours of blissful, uninterruptable sleep - starting in about 6 hours, since that would be nighttime in this genie's time zone.

I wish I could win a Nobel Prize.

Nymtoc
05-04-2011, 03:51 PM
Granted. You have won the Barney Bob Nobel Prize for pig calling, which is given out every year in Empty Bottom, Mississippi. Your trophy is a piggy bank with your name on it.

I wish I could speak 100 languages.

HarryHoskins
05-04-2011, 03:51 PM
Granted. The genie awards you a cloche with no donger.

Granted. Still, you better work on that personality if you want to have anyone to talk to.

I wish I was better at chess.

Nymtoc
05-04-2011, 03:56 PM
Granted. You finally learned what the pieces are called.

I wish the UK would take Piers Morgan back.

HarryHoskins
05-04-2011, 11:15 PM
DENIED! The genie couldn't do it. No take back. No cultural exchange. No nothing.

I wish this good weather will last until October.

Nymtoc
05-04-2011, 11:23 PM
Granted. The good weather will last until October where the Genie lives. While he thanks you for this wish, he cannot guarantee what will happen elsewhere.

I wish there was a rhyme for "orange."

HarryHoskins
05-04-2011, 11:38 PM
Granted. You are now Bob Dylan.

I wish I was less funny looking.

Drachen Jager
05-04-2011, 11:47 PM
Granted. Your visual sense of humour has been deleted. You will no longer laugh at cartoons, funny books or Nymtoc.

I wish I had a winning lottery ticket.

Nymtoc
05-04-2011, 11:51 PM
Granted. You have won the Dunkin' Donuts weekly lottery. The prize is one donut of your choice.

I wish I knew why TV newscasters have such a limited repertoire of expressions (cheerful, funny-hehe, sad and neutral.)

defcon6000
05-05-2011, 12:17 AM
Granted. You find out that all newscasters went to the acting school of Ben Affleck.

I wish whoever is making the racket outside would stop.

Drachen Jager
05-05-2011, 12:33 AM
Granted. All those poor orphans in India stop making tennis rackets immediately. They lose their jobs and starve to death.

I wish defcon wouldn't make such cruel wishes.

Pistol Whipped Bee
05-05-2011, 12:43 AM
Granted. You're now her mother and she's 3 again. Teach at will.

I wish I was 2 inches taller.

Nymtoc
05-05-2011, 12:53 AM
Granted. You are now 7'4" and are being recruited by seven WNBA teams.

I wish I were 3 inches taller.

Reziac
05-05-2011, 12:59 AM
Granted. You are now 2.1 and 3.1 inches tall, respectively (two-for-one wish!) You neglected to say what you wished to be taller than, so the genie used an ant as the base height.

I wish I was two inches taller than I am right now.

PorterStarrByrd
05-05-2011, 01:27 AM
Granted. You're now her mother and she's 3 again. Teach at will.

I wish I was 2 inches taller.

Granted ... what a silly wish

Your are two inches taller than anyone or anything two inches shorter than you are ..


I wish I could decide where to go.

Drachen Jager
05-05-2011, 01:47 AM
Granted. The sun don't shine there.

I wish Porter would realise that this thread goes to a new page every 25 posts and stop replying to the last post from the previous page.

Nymtoc
05-05-2011, 01:57 AM
WISH DENIED

The Genie can do many things, but getting into the mind of anyone as strange as Porter is beyond even his remarkable powers.

I wish I had a salami sandwich on rye, with lettuce and mayonnaise.

PorterStarrByrd
05-05-2011, 03:45 AM
WISH DENIED

The Genie can do many things, but getting into the mind of anyone as strange as Porter is beyond even his remarkable powers.

I wish I had a salami sandwich on rye, with lettuce and mayonnaise.

Granted
Since you requested it here, I snuck it in for you as media mail.


I wish people would learn to understand me.

Nymtoc
05-05-2011, 04:36 AM
WISH DEFERRED
Your wish cannot be granted at this time. Too many people would have to study for too many years in order to understand you, and the Genie has many other things to do. There may come a time in the future when your wish can be granted, but don't hold your breath.

I wish I could leap skyscrapers in a single bound.

Pistol Whipped Bee
05-05-2011, 04:36 AM
Granted. You are now a roll of toilet paper.

I wish I could survive healthily on only two hours of sleep each night. (Crap! Nym beat me by seconds. I'm keepin' it.)

Nym, your wish is granted. You're now an enormous frog.

My wish stands.

alleycat
05-05-2011, 04:41 AM
Granted. You will need to take a multi-vitamin each day, along with forty gallons of coffee.


I wish I had time to read all the books I want to read.

shakeysix
05-05-2011, 04:46 AM
wish granted--all of the world has been destroyed in a nuclear war and you are left alone in a huge library. you are dancing with joy when your spectacles fall and...no, wait. that's plagiarism. you are now being sued by the estate of rod serling!

i wish i could find a show that scares me as much as the twilight zone did when i was a kid--s6

defcon6000
05-05-2011, 05:37 AM
Granted. Reruns of Tales from the Crypt play on your TV - and only for your TV.

I wish I had nightvision.

Komnena
05-05-2011, 05:49 AM
Granted. You now have perfect night vision. However, you are now unable to see in daylight.

I wish celosia flowers were native to Kentucky.

Nymtoc
05-05-2011, 06:26 AM
Granted. But you no longer have any grass.

I wish I were the concertmaster of a great orchestra.

slcboston
05-05-2011, 07:07 AM
Granted

You are Leopold.... whatever his name was. The one Bugs Bunny impersonated a few times. You know the guy. ... Of course, he's also *dead* by now, which may put a slight kink in whatever you wanted to do as a concertmaster, but minor detail.


I wish certain people would fall down the stairs. And that I could get it on film. And win large cash prizes on America's Funniest Home videos by exploiting said certain people's pain.

PorterStarrByrd
05-05-2011, 07:22 AM
Granted


I wish certain people would fall down the stairs. And that I could get it on film. And win large cash prizes on America's Funniest Home videos by exploiting said certain people's pain.


Granted:
However certain people have become aware of their plight being due to a wish you made. They have a good lawyer. Do you ?(Don't ask for help from the genie, their can't possibly be two GOOD lawyers)

I wish I had turned my computer off twenty minutes ago

slcboston
05-05-2011, 07:32 AM
Granted.

But it's possessed and so has turned itself back on.


I don't need a lawyer. I just need funds for the judge. :D *wishes*

wistfullylinda
05-05-2011, 07:37 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you sent your very extravagant bribe to the wrong judge.

I wish I weren't allergic to cats.

Nymtoc
05-05-2011, 07:48 AM
Granted. You aren't allergic to cats. They're allergic to you.

I wish I had a copy of Hamlet in Shakespeare's own writing.

slcboston
05-05-2011, 08:06 AM
Granted.

Unbeknownst to most scholars, Shakespeare had lousy handwriting. He actually had a secretary that he would dictate the finished plays to, so that the actor's could read their lines. Consequently, no one will recognize it as the Bard's, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing it's genuine. Because Genie wouldn't pull a fast one on you, now would I?

:D


I wish I didn't have to get up as early tomorrow.

Drachen Jager
05-05-2011, 09:21 AM
Granted. You have the option of being fired instead.

I wish that once a day I could ask my magic eight ball one question per day and it would answer the truth.

HarryHoskins
05-05-2011, 02:47 PM
Granted. But the only question you are allowed to ask it is, 'O magic eight ball, are you still telling the truth?'

I wish I had a dishwasher.

Nymtoc
05-05-2011, 03:08 PM
Granted. She used to live on the street, and she is slovenly and hasn't washed her hands in a year. She also steals your silver.

I wish all trivia would disappear from the news.

PorterStarrByrd
05-05-2011, 03:28 PM
Granted. She used to live on the street, and she is slovenly and hasn't washed her hands in a year. She also steals your silver.

I wish all trivia would disappear from the news.



Granted
The morning news is now 37 seconds of news anf 9 minutes 23 seconds of advertising. The networks may make it yet.

I wish the fog on the lake and the single croaking frog, sitting within two feet of the hungry heron, were more inspirational

wistfullylinda
05-05-2011, 08:19 PM
They inspired you to make a wish, that's inspiring enough isn't it?

I wish I had a perfect complexion.

shakeysix
05-05-2011, 08:33 PM
granted. unfortunately it is only on your butt cheeks.

i wish Fux News would stop fuxing the news

Reziac
05-05-2011, 08:43 PM
Granted. Fux News stops fuxing the news. However, for everyone else, the news is still business as usual.

I wish polytics didn't involve parasites.

Drachen Jager
05-05-2011, 09:51 PM
Granted. Your local parasite politicians have been replaced with simple predators. Instead of a slow death you are mauled to death in a matter of minutes.

I wish I could write a software virus that would attach to my query e-mails so I could listen in when an agent looks at my query.

Nymtoc
05-05-2011, 11:39 PM
Granted. But all you hear is silence and occasionally a voice saying something like, "Blue Jays nothing? What is it, top of the third? Who's pitching, Morrow? I woulda picked Janssen. What? Oh, just another dummy who doesn't know how to write a query. What? Damn! out at first."

I wish bicyclists wouldn't ride on the sidewalk.

Drachen Jager
05-06-2011, 12:11 AM
Granted. They now ride in circles around your desk when you're trying to work.

I wish pedestrians wouldn't use the sidewalk (I could use some entertainment around here).

PorterStarrByrd
05-06-2011, 01:09 AM
I wish pedestrians wouldn't use the sidewalk (I could use some entertainment around here).

Granted
With bicycles and pedestrians off the sidewalks, dogs feel a little freer to use them. So do children with chalk,
It makes a nice mix.

I wish the price of bacon wasn't going up so much so fast.

Drachen Jager
05-06-2011, 01:38 AM
Granted. Al Gore invents a way to fuel cars with bacon. The price skyrockets instantly and plateaus just above the price of gold.

I wish I could invent a clean, efficient, cheap fuel alternative.

Reziac
05-06-2011, 01:53 AM
Granted. The genie instructs you to get off your lazy ass and use those cheap alternative transports attached to the bottoms of your legs.

I wish I had a pair of seven-league boots.

PorterStarrByrd
05-06-2011, 02:00 AM
I wish I had a pair of seven-league boots.


Granted
Only pair that I could find is the posession of a rather beligerent cat. Mind if I stick around and watch this?


I wish I had two goldfish

Nymtoc
05-06-2011, 03:18 AM
Granted. They are on their way. Here is one; the other is slightly larger.

http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/GOLDFISH%20GIANT.jpg

By the way, they don't get along.

I wish I had a lime Popsicle.

Lainey
05-06-2011, 03:29 AM
Granted. The popsicle is not actually edible.

I wish I owned a car.

PorterStarrByrd
05-06-2011, 03:46 AM
I wish I owned a car.

You don't need the genie for this

Go to work everyday and quit wasting your money on beer



I wish I had smores in the freezer

HarryHoskins
05-06-2011, 02:25 PM
Granted. You are now a biologist. (Oh, you said smores. Well, I can't ungrant the wish now, just remember not to snack from the freezer.)

I wish the person with the buzz saw outside would cease and desist from buzzing his or her saw.

Komnena
05-07-2011, 05:45 AM
Granted. They finish cutting down all the trees within hearing distance and move on. With the trees gone, well, have you ever heard of a little thing called erosion? Don't worry, you will become quite acquainted with it soon.
I wish I had a tree which grew sugar free candies.

HarryHoskins
05-07-2011, 04:02 PM
Granted. The sugar free candy tree sprouts in your garden and grows - in a matter of hours - to it's full height of 63 miles. The fruit is only found at the very top of the tree.

I wish I could go into space and then come back again.

PorterStarrByrd
05-07-2011, 05:37 PM
I wish I could go into space and then come back again.

Granted
The genie is making arrangements. Did you want to go economy class, or come back alive?


I wish I had a cubic yard of cotton candy

HarryHoskins
05-07-2011, 05:40 PM
DENIED! But the genie does give you a bushel of Toffee Apples.

I wish my legs would stop taking me to where the cold beers are.

PorterStarrByrd
05-07-2011, 05:55 PM
DENIED!
I wish my legs would stop taking me to where the cold beers are.


Granted

Your legs have a new map, believing you like warm wine.

I wish I had TWO cubic yards of cotton candy !!!!

HarryHoskins
05-07-2011, 06:00 PM
DENIED! But the genie does give you a jeroboam of goldfish and a cuddly toy.

I wish flies wouldn't congregate in the middle of my lounge.

Reziac
05-07-2011, 06:03 PM
Granted. The flies went up your nose, and your lounge is full of scorpions instead.

I wish my place wasn't full of rattlesnakes. :eek:

PorterStarrByrd
05-07-2011, 06:09 PM
.

I wish my place wasn't full of rattlesnakes. :eek:

Granted,
But you are going to have to move out of that cave

I wish I had THREE cubic yards of Cotton Candy

Reziac
05-07-2011, 06:32 PM
Granted! The Genie was merely waiting for Porter to wish for enough cotton candy to make a shroud.

I wish I knew how Porter knew I live in a cave. :D

PorterStarrByrd
05-07-2011, 09:01 PM
I wish I knew how Porter knew I live in a cave. :D


Granted
the Brendansport residents who do not live in caves do not have rattlesnakes in their houses


I wish I had a biscuit or two and a pot of gravy

Reziac
05-07-2011, 10:40 PM
Granted! You have two biscuits and a pot of gravy.

But only because I wish I was coming to Porter's house for lunch.

Nymtoc
05-07-2011, 11:02 PM
Granted. You come to Porter's house for lunch, but when you step inside, the filth, the remains of dead animals on the floor and the overwhelming stench are so repulsive that you run as fast as you can, vowing never to return.

I wish I were a king with lots of loyal subjects.

HarryHoskins
05-07-2011, 11:44 PM
Granted. You are George Segal in Bryan Forbes; 1965 war film.

I wish I could tap dance.

Nymtoc
05-07-2011, 11:46 PM
Granted. You can dance while tapping a keg of beer.

I wish I could communicate better with animals.

HarryHoskins
05-07-2011, 11:51 PM
Oink! Meow, bow wow. Woof, moo-moo, baa - Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

I wish the keys I press on my keyboard would correspond with what is then displayed on the screen.

Nymtoc
05-07-2011, 11:59 PM
Granted. By the way, you have a Russian keyboard.

I wish people would salute me when I walk down the street.

HarryHoskins
05-08-2011, 12:06 AM
Granted. Though why you need to ask for something that happens on a daily basis is beyond the genie. Still, some more one and two fingered salutes are winging their way to you as we speak.

I wish I could make an omelette without breaking some eggs.

Nymtoc
05-08-2011, 12:29 AM
Granted. You scrounge around the dairy department of your local market and pick up eggs that are already broken. You take them home and make an omelet. (You didn't break them yourself, see? :crazy:)

I wish I had a new Blackberry Playbook.

HarryHoskins
05-08-2011, 12:55 AM
DENIED! The genie is an Apple Nazi.

I wish I could understand the popularity of war.

Nymtoc
05-08-2011, 01:17 AM
Granted. You are Attila the Hun.

I wish I could hit one key and create an entire manuscript.

HarryHoskins
05-08-2011, 01:24 AM
Granted. You are James Patterson.

I wish I this was a better wish.

Pistol Whipped Bee
05-08-2011, 01:24 AM
Denied. You wouldn't feel accomplished without the hard work. :-)

I wish people in my neighborhood would stop mowing their lawns. (Harry! You post too fast!)

HarryHoskins
05-08-2011, 01:36 AM
Granted. All lawn mowers are banned and replaced with sheep and the genie covers Harry's keyboard in molasses.

I wish I knew Kung-Fu.

Komnena
05-08-2011, 01:43 AM
Granted. Kung Fu moves next door to your house. He is a very picky gardener and detests your prized dandelions.
I wish I owned one of the Derby contenders.

HarryHoskins
05-08-2011, 03:11 AM
Granted. One of the candidates running for the Mayorship of Derby is now your chattel. He is affiliated with the Monster Raving Looney Party and, as his owner, you are now required by law to keep him in silly hats.

I wish cowardice tasted like chicken.

PorterStarrByrd
05-08-2011, 03:36 PM
I wish cowardice tasted like chicken.


Granted
Since you seem to like chicken, everything you put in you mouth will taste like chicken, every thing you see will remind you of how chicken tastes. You'll probably NEVER get tired of chicken.

I wish I had found this easter egg last week

Nymtoc
05-08-2011, 08:42 PM
Granted. You found that Easter egg last week, but it was already cracked, and the creepy-crawlies had already begun to eat it.

I wish I knew what will happen when I go to the dentist tomorrow.

PorterStarrByrd
05-08-2011, 08:47 PM
I wish I knew what will happen when I go to the dentist tomorrow.


After arriving ten minutes early you will wiat forty five minutes. Then you put on a bib and relax for 30 minutes of pain and discomfort. On the way out you will sign up for remedial attention in 6 weeks. During that time you will chew painfully.


I wish I had a tooth

Nymtoc
05-08-2011, 09:07 PM
Granted. You have one tooth, but you still have to take all your nourishment through a straw.

I wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. (You can't possibly be nasty about this wish, Genie!)

PorterStarrByrd
05-08-2011, 09:10 PM
I wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. (You can't possibly be nasty about this wish, Genie!)


DENIED !!!!

Only Mothers may have a happy mother's Day. Everyone elsewill be miserable, as usual.

I wish I knew the first three words

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 01:22 AM
Granted. You're under arrest.

I wish there was more money and less fluff down the back of my couch.

Nymtoc
05-09-2011, 02:54 AM
Granted. You find one gram less fluff and one North Korean won.

I wish I didn't have to go to the dentist tomorrow.

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 03:01 AM
Granted. Your dentist comes to you. Best sterilize some chisels and pliers.

I wish I could have lucid dreams.

Pistol Whipped Bee
05-09-2011, 06:46 PM
Granted. You've taken the time and effort to train yourself to become aware in your dreams.

I wish I'd see tonight another shooting star like the one I saw last night.

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 07:02 PM
Granted. You see a whole constellation of shooting stars - heading directly for your house!

I wish I was better at grammar.

Underthelivingmoon
05-09-2011, 07:12 PM
Granted. You are now ostracized by your neighbors because of your constant need to correct them on their use of the word 'irony'.

I wish that I could speak Russian.

Nymtoc
05-09-2011, 08:43 PM
Granted. You can say "da." One step at a time, you know.

I wish I could learn to stop talking like Elmer Fudd.

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 08:45 PM
Granted. You stop going to the dentist. All you teeth fall out.

I wish that monocles would come back into fashion.

lndsymllr
05-09-2011, 08:51 PM
Granted. Except now everyone has one except you.

I wish I had a unicorn!

Nymtoc
05-09-2011, 09:42 PM
Granted. You have Drachen Jager.

I wish I had a lot more money.

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 10:27 PM
Granted. Here's that penny you lost earlier.

I wish I had odourless farts.

Nymtoc
05-09-2011, 10:30 PM
DENIED. People wouldn't recognize you without your characteristic smell.

I wish I were a shape-shifter.

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 10:34 PM
Granted. You get work as a fork lift truck driver in the cardboard box factory.

I wish I was au fait with Fay Wray.

Drachen Jager
05-09-2011, 11:14 PM
Granted. She is dead.

I wish people would start making sensible wishes again.

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 11:29 PM
Granted. See below (though how many posts below is beyond my powers of prediction)

I wish for a humorous response to this wish.

Drachen Jager
05-09-2011, 11:41 PM
Granted. You slip on a banana peel, land on a skateboard which takes you down a hill and over a jump. You land on a stair railing crotch first and slide to the bottom groaning in pain where you are promptly run over by a bus. One of your friends catches the whole thing on video and you are a (posthumous) youtube sensation.

I wish I could see that video.

HarryHoskins
05-09-2011, 11:47 PM
Granted. You are condemned to watch it on a loop for all eternity.

I wish I had a round the world ticket and some spending money.

Underthelivingmoon
05-10-2011, 12:32 AM
Granted. You are handed an unlimited pass to the TARDIS and a handful of squirrel pelts. Your first stop--medieval Russia.

I wish that I could play the violin.

PorterStarrByrd
05-10-2011, 12:41 AM
.

I wish that I could play the violin.


Granted
The violin is directly accross from you. A dog with a transparent green visor sits to you right and a cement mixer is on your left. The cards have been dealt. None of the other seems to comprehend what they are playing.

I wish I had a visual memory

Underthelivingmoon
05-10-2011, 12:51 AM
Granted. Written language becomes incomprehensible to you and the first draft of your book is now a 12,546 page flip book of pictures.

I wish that I was a genius.

Nymtoc
05-10-2011, 01:53 AM
Granted. You are a genius, but only in inverse trigonometric functions. In everything else you are a dunce. You can't even boil water.

I wish I could go anywhere in the world just by snapping my fingers.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2011, 02:34 AM
Granted. However must snap the finger clean off for it to work properly.

I wish I could be like David Banner and hulk out when somebody pisses me off.

HarryHoskins
05-10-2011, 03:03 AM
Granted, but the Genie cannot stretch to stretch pants.

I wish my smart phone was clever enough not to vibrate its way off the table and into the plant pot.

defcon6000
05-10-2011, 04:56 AM
Granted. Your smartphone is only clever enough to vibrate in your pants pocket.

I wish Lady Gaga would stop making music - if you can call it music.

Underthelivingmoon
05-10-2011, 05:10 AM
Granted. Now her meat dress fashion line has become all the rage.

I wish that desserts were healthy but still tasty

Drachen Jager
05-10-2011, 07:11 AM
Granted. The desserts exercise regularly so they'll be in peak shape when you consume them. They are still bad for you however.

I wish I could get the physical benefits of working out while I sit at my computer.

Nymtoc
05-10-2011, 07:49 AM
Granted. Just strap yourself in and start typing while you work those pecs and abs and traps and biceps and quads!

http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/CHAIR%20EXERCISER.jpg

I wish that when I get a new toy (my Kindle, for example). somebody wouldn't always point out that there's a newer or better or faster or more capable or more versatile model on the market.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2011, 09:05 AM
Granted. You can no longer get new toys.

I wish I had a kindle, an iPad, a Macbook Air and a new desktop PC.

HarryHoskins
05-10-2011, 02:30 PM
Granted. However, the Genie is concerned that these four items could put an unwanted strain on the National Grid and, therefore, makes them powered by alternative energy. Happy pedaling.

I wish I had a snooty butler.

PorterStarrByrd
05-10-2011, 09:10 PM
I wish I had a snooty butler.


Granted
Wait til you see the bill for him allowing you to call him your butler.
Enjoy him while you can. He really no longer wishes toassociate with you at all (after he is paid)


I wish there six of these because I'm REALY hungry.

HarryHoskins
05-10-2011, 09:14 PM
Granted. The genie gives you an extra finger on your right hand. (and some ketchup)

I wish I could concentrate better.

Reziac
05-10-2011, 09:33 PM
After some concentration, the Genie decides to remove all the water from Harry, who is now more concentrated.

I wish I had a private lake.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2011, 09:43 PM
Granted. I am sending Private First Class Lake to your residence immediately. He just came back from a tour of Afghanistan so he may show some signs of PTSD and/or homicidal tendencies. These are perfectly normal and nothing to be worried about.

I wish I had my own publishing company so I could be the one sending out rejections for a change.

Reziac
05-10-2011, 09:50 PM
Granted. Unfortunately the only manuscript submitted to your publishing company is your own, which you then reject.

I wish to read some good new books.

defcon6000
05-10-2011, 10:06 PM
Granted. You read my book. :D

I wish nail polish would never chip/crack/flake off.

Reziac
05-10-2011, 10:24 PM
Granted. Your nail polish lasts forever, but your fingernails fall off.

I wish the damned phone would stop ringing whenever I'm in the middle of something!

Drachen Jager
05-10-2011, 10:38 PM
Granted. The damned phone has been sent off to hell. The angelic phone rings more frequently than ever, but it's ring-tone is a harp, so that's kind of nice right?

I wish I knew what people thought about me.

Reziac
05-10-2011, 11:12 PM
Granted. Everybody loves you. God and the devil, however, are still arguing about who gets stuck with you later on.

I wish... I wish... bah, cut the middleman. I wish I were the Genie and could grant all my own wishes!

HarryHoskins
05-10-2011, 11:28 PM
Denied! I refer you to clause 5, section 2.1, paragraph 12 of the Genies' manual which states a Genie may only grant wishes to other people.

I wish the moon was spray painted yellow and a smiley face then drawn on it.

Drachen Jager
05-10-2011, 11:35 PM
Granted. You are the only one able to see it though. When you try to explain what you see to other people they force a psych evaluation on you. When you tell the psychiatrist that the reason you see a smiley face on the moon is that a Genie granted you a wish you are locked away for a very long time.

I wish I had Sauron's ring.

Reziac
05-10-2011, 11:40 PM
The genie is left in a divided state and cannot decide whether to grant wishes or not. The genie therefore decrees that instead of a smiley face, a great Darsh face is hanging over your garden wall. As to Sauron's ring, it's lost in said garden, and the genie isn't your gardener.

I wish I had copies of the Jack Vance books I haven't managed to find yet.

Nymtoc
05-11-2011, 12:47 AM
Granted. But because they are so hard to find, you must pay $25,000 for each one.

I wish prescription drugs didn't cost so much.

Drachen Jager
05-11-2011, 12:50 AM
Granted. As you are walking down the street you see a garage sale where some old lady is selling a complete collection of Jack Vance in hardcover for ten cents each. They all have a brownish stain to them, but you think nothing of it. You take them home, put them on the shelf and go to bed for the night. In the morning the house is filled with an ungodly reek and you realise the reason she was selling the books so cheaply is that her cat peed all over them.

I wish I had a gourmet kitchen with a six burner gas stove, brand new top-of the line cookware and a walk in refrigerator.

Drachen Jager
05-11-2011, 12:51 AM
[Damn you Nymtoc! I spent a lot of time typing that!]

Granted. Prescription drugs don't cost so much as the Taj Mahal. They only cost so much as one kilogram gold bricks.

I wish I had a gourmet kitchen with a six burner gas stove, brand new top-of the line cookware and a walk in refrigerator.

Pistol Whipped Bee
05-11-2011, 12:54 AM
Denied. Just - because.

I wish I had a new truck.

Nymtoc
05-11-2011, 01:04 AM
Granted. The Genie was in London when he received your wish:

http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/Hand_Truck.jpg


I wish the old lady in Drachen Jager's post with the cat that pees on everything would come live with DJ, together with her cat.

Drachen Jager
05-11-2011, 01:23 AM
Granted. She dies just as she's moving in, but after she changed her will to reflect his generosity.

I wish some super-rich old lady would put me in her will.

Nymtoc
05-11-2011, 01:32 AM
Granted. Mrs. Agatha Prunella Gotrocks, the widow of billionaire Thadeus Armbruster Phineas Gotrocks III, dies leaving everything to you. The Treasury Board determines that the government will keep all the money and that you must pay an additional $100,000 in taxes.

I wish people would treat me like a celebrity even though I'm not one.

HarryHoskins
05-11-2011, 01:34 AM
Granted. Though why you would wished to be laughed at anymore than you already are is beyond the Genie.

I wish for peace, love and harmony.

Nymtoc
05-11-2011, 02:17 AM
Granted. You will have peace, love and harmony in your own little garden. The Genie can go no further than that.

I wish my book would get published and shoot to the top of the best-seller list.

HarryHoskins
05-11-2011, 02:50 AM
Granted. You really knock 'em dead in 3934 AD.

I wish I people weren't so excitable.

PorterStarrByrd
05-11-2011, 03:43 AM
I wish I had my own publishing company so I could be the one sending out rejections for a change.

Granted
IF anybody ever decide your new publishing house ANY credabilty they MIGHT send you their work. How do you like reading self help material?

I wish this popcorn wasn't burned.

HarryHoskins
05-11-2011, 04:51 AM
Granted. It's totally uncooked. To enjoy it in its perfect state you must eat it raw, go for an extreme work out, wait for the popping sound and then regurgitate it.

I wish I didn't have to wake up to the sound of a banging door every morning.

Nymtoc
05-11-2011, 05:20 AM
Granted. Now you have to wake up to the sound of a banging door in the middle of the night.

I wish that so many AW members had not put me on their "Ignore" lists. :(

PorterStarrByrd
05-11-2011, 06:28 AM
I wish I didn't have to wake up to the sound of a banging door every morning.

I wish that so many AW members had not put me on their "Ignore" lists.

Granted You are now awakened to the sound of squirrels fighting

I wish squirrels didn't fight so much. I'll bet you do too.

defcon6000
05-11-2011, 08:19 AM
Granted. The squirrels don't fight, but the chipmunks are firing bazookas at each other.

I wish green olives weren't so pungent.

HarryHoskins
05-11-2011, 02:38 PM
Granted. The are now completely tasteless.

I wish I had a new pepper mill.

PorterStarrByrd
05-11-2011, 02:52 PM
I wish I had a new pepper mill.


Granted
You may now saw your jabenero's in half. Most peole just use a knife


I wish the muskrat would drown