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Nymtoc
01-17-2011, 07:28 AM
Granted. You have some ice cream. Unfortunately, you ate it before you learned that that batch had been recalled because of contamination by rat droppings.

I wish I knew what will happen in the next 1,000 years.

Komnena
01-20-2011, 01:17 AM
Granted. What will happen will be death and taxes.

I wish I had the corner pile of clutter cleared out.

CDSinex
01-20-2011, 06:10 AM
Granted: The helpful Genie moves the pile of clutter to the center of the room.

I wish my seed catalogs would arrive.

Nymtoc
01-20-2011, 06:30 AM
Granted.

The catalogs have arrived. They offer you poison hemlock, autumn crocus, wolfsbane, black locust, castor oil plant (ricin), angel's trumpet, foxglove, poison ivy, deathcamas, adenium obesum and deadly nightshade.

I wish I had finished my novel.

iLion
01-20-2011, 06:37 AM
Granted... you have now finished reading your novel. (You only own one novel?)

I wish someone else would pay all my bills.

CDSinex
01-20-2011, 11:27 AM
Granted: With a wave of the Genie's hand your spouse now pays the bills (still out of your joint account.) The more things change, ...

I wish I could go someplace nice for two weeks.

iLion
01-20-2011, 04:46 PM
ShaZaammmm.....!! *Much smoke here....

Oh, look.. you're standing deep in stinky, sludgy animal doodoo. But hey... a well used pig sty is very nice to discriminating pigs everywhere. See you in a couple weeks.

I wish my job paid double.

alleycat
01-20-2011, 04:52 PM
Granted. However, because of the higher labor costs now that we've raised your salary, we are outsourcing your job to India. You'll get the pink slip tomorrow.


I wish life was easier.

Drachen Jager
01-20-2011, 08:22 PM
That's an easy wish. Granted. Life is as easy as can be for you now. You are no longer expected to work, or, in fact lift a finger for anything. In fact most people would be surprised if you did lift a finger, because you are dead.

I wish I could write 5,000 words a day.

Nymtoc
01-20-2011, 08:33 PM
Granted

You can write 5,000 words a day. Unfortunately, your words make no sense.

I wish I had a Lamborghini.

Drachen Jager
01-20-2011, 09:18 PM
Granted. You now have a miniature ground Lamb sandwich on a toasted bun.


http://aht.seriouseats.com/images/20091006-emp-lambburger-hand.jpg


I wish I ruled the world.

CDSinex
01-21-2011, 04:24 AM
Granted: The Genie is a little puzzled because, according to your profile here, you "already do."

I wish Drachen Jager would do a better job of running the world.

Nymtoc
01-25-2011, 07:15 AM
Granted. He's doing a better job, but it's still all f**ked up.

I wish I could grow all my own food.

Drachen Jager
01-26-2011, 12:58 AM
Granted. I have planted an eighteen foot SPAM tree in your yard. I have also taken the liberty of giving you allergies to all other forms of food (you did say you wanted to grow all your own food, I wouldn't want you cheating).

I wish I had a money tree growing in my yard.

Nymtoc
01-26-2011, 02:11 AM
Granted

A money tree is growing in your yard, courtesy of Parker Brothers, who are providing you with all the Monopoly money you could ever want.

I wish I lived in a McMansion.

alleycat
01-26-2011, 02:20 AM
Granted. It's made of cheese and is haunted by the ghost of Ray Kroc.


I wish I had a robot maid and a robot cook and a robot . . . uh, never mind. The two robots are enough.

Drachen Jager
01-26-2011, 06:03 AM
Granted. They want to be paid promptly every Friday, they won't work weekends, wash windows or do the shopping and they insist on benefits, in case they or their spouses need a mechanic.

I wish I had robot servants who were not evil and worked for free.

Nymtoc
01-26-2011, 09:52 AM
Granted. One is called Doorbell and the other is called Can Opener.

I wish I could be paid for every word I write.

CDSinex
01-26-2011, 07:55 PM
Granted: The Genie shrugs and says, "You could be, but you won't be."

I wish I could find a book I wanted to read.

shakeysix
01-26-2011, 08:53 PM
here is a lovely book entitled "how to appeal your death sentence"--you don't want to read it? BOINK!--you are now on death row and you cannot put the damned thing down!---s6

i wish i had remembered to put my lunchbox in the fridge this morning instead of setting it on the radiator in my classroom. i think i read somewhere that lukewarm mayo is poison--s6

Drachen Jager
01-26-2011, 10:21 PM
Granted. Your lunchbox is now in the fridge. Unfortunately my magic thingamajobber seems to have interfered with your refrigerator's operation. It is now heating ALL of your food to a nice even 30 degrees (Celsius you backwards Americans! :P )

Incidentally, warm mayonnaise is no where near as likely to develop bacterial toxicity as it was once thought, it is the foods which are often paired with mayonnaise that usually cause food poisoning from warm sandwiches.

I wish I had a real working lightsaber.

Nymtoc
01-27-2011, 03:00 AM
Granted. But the first time you tried to use it a dragon :evil ate it.

I wish I never had to pay any more bills.

alleycat
01-27-2011, 03:06 AM
Granted. Welcome to a life sentence at Leavenworth. Be careful in the shower.


I wish I have a money tree (preferably tens and twenties).

Drachen Jager
01-27-2011, 03:49 AM
Granted. You have taken the money tree away from Drachen Jager, he is not sad to see it go, as the monopoly bills fell off in the rain and made a terrible mess he had to rake up. Enjoy your play money (and stop wishing other people's wishes!)

I wish I were more imaginative.

CDSinex
01-27-2011, 11:36 AM
Granted: You are now very imaginative, so imaginative in fact your family and friends are so concerned about your persistent hallucinations that they have you commuted.

I wish I had somewhere to go tomorrow.

Drachen Jager
01-27-2011, 09:30 PM
Granted. You now have a court date. Expect the summons any minute now. I will leave the exact nature of your legal troubles a secret for now. Have fun! Oh, and a bit of advice, don't drop your soap!

I wish I were more efficient.

Nymtoc
01-27-2011, 09:39 PM
Granted. You are more efficient. You now bathe every week instead of once a month.

I wish it would stop snowing.

Drachen Jager
01-27-2011, 11:11 PM
Granted. It is no longer snowing here. In fact it hasn't snowed in weeks, what a silly wish.

I wish for a bronze statue of me, five times life-size in the middle of down town, to celebrate my awesomeness.

Nymtoc
01-28-2011, 08:44 AM
Granted. The statue is in the middle of Busted Gulch, NV, a ghost town that no one ever visits.

I wish I could have adventures like Indiana Jones.

Callista Melaney
01-28-2011, 10:25 AM
Granted. You will be leaving on an international tour, making stops in Yemen, Afghanistan, North Korea, and the Sudan.

I wish my dog could talk.

Drachen Jager
01-28-2011, 09:21 PM
Granted. Sadly, he he has a mouth so foul it would make a sailor blush. Oh, and your mother in law is visiting any minute. Have fun!

I wish I had more time to write today.

Callista Melaney
01-28-2011, 09:31 PM
Granted. You have all day to write but unfortunately, you have writer's block. :)

I wish my homework would do itself.

Nymtoc
01-28-2011, 10:01 PM
Granted. Your homework has done itself by copying from other students. The ruse has been discovered, and you have been expelled from school.

I wish I were in Cancún right now.

Callista Melaney
01-29-2011, 12:44 AM
Granted. Your body is in Canún, but your belongings are not.

I wish for a new car.

Drachen Jager
01-29-2011, 01:31 AM
Granted. You have a brand new silver Bentley Continental in your driveway. The keys are on your desk. Oh, and by the way, Mike Tyson is cruising your neighbourhood, looking for the punk who stole his brand new silver Bentley Continental.

I wish the Magazine of Science Fiction and Fantasy buys my novel excerpt.

CDSinex
01-29-2011, 03:00 AM
Granted: Unfortunately, they used it on their submissions page as an example of what not to submit.

I wish I were less insensitive.

Drachen Jager
01-29-2011, 03:41 AM
Granted. You now magically suck the sensitivity out of everyone you encounter...you worthless, selfish, little prick!

I wish I had a thousand die-hard blog followers.

CDSinex
01-29-2011, 03:09 PM
Granted: You now have a very successful, widely read, blog with one thousand followers dedicated to the Sears Die Hard battery. Unfortunately all but ten, your immediate family and a few friends, are Sears lawyers. The considerable advertising revenue your blog generates all is used to pay your own lawyers to fight trademark and copyright violation claims.

I wish I could enjoy the simpler things in life.

Drachen Jager
01-30-2011, 01:07 AM
Granted. You are now an earthworm. You enjoy eating dirt above all other things.

I wish mine was a household name.

Nymtoc
01-30-2011, 03:12 AM
Granted. However, parents forbid their children to use such foul language, and if it is necessary to put your name in print, it is usually written as Dr****n J***r.

I wish I had a memory as good as the world's most powerful computer.

Ms. Jem
01-30-2011, 08:02 AM
Granted. You have a memory as powerful as a computer, courtesy of a microchip implanted in your head.
You function on such a high level that you are mistaken for a human. Next you'll be applying for citizenship.

I wish it was Saturday morning again.

CDSinex
01-30-2011, 12:02 PM
Granted: You fall asleep tonight, and when you wake up it is Saturday morning. You feel well rested and are a little surprised when you see that you have 47 missed calls and voice mails on your cell phone. The last one, on Thursday is from your boss telling you that if you don't show up at work "tomorrow", which was yesterday, you will be fired.

I wish I could work in my garden.

Nymtoc
01-31-2011, 07:32 AM
Granted. You go bankrupt and your house is sold. The new owner hires you as a gardener.

I wish I lived in the days of King Arthur's Round Table.

Komnena
02-04-2011, 08:07 PM
Granted. Welcome to no air-conditioning, no heating, no electricity for even the smallest appliance. Oh, and you're a peasant forbidden to leave your lord's lands. He can legally take what little you have, including your life.
I wish I had the piles of stuff on the table dealt with.

Drachen Jager
02-04-2011, 09:20 PM
Granted. Your house just burned down. No more piles, no more table.

I wish somebody else would pay all my bills for me.

Nymtoc
02-05-2011, 09:54 PM
Granted. You have an accountant who pays all your bills for you. He only charges you 20% extra for each transaction.

I wish I had a green thumb.

slcboston
02-05-2011, 09:57 PM
Granted.

Mind you, it's only green now. Shortly it will turn a rather hideous shade of something, possibly chartreuse, before it turns black. There might also be a bit of a smell, and some oozing. I would suggest seeing a doctor about it, soon.


I wish I didn't have this scratchy throat.

Komnena
02-07-2011, 10:43 PM
Granted. You now have your neighbor's really scratchy throat.

I wish the cats would quit climbing on stacks of books.

Nymtoc
02-07-2011, 11:15 PM
Granted. Now they're climbing around your work table, crashing your computer and causing you to lose everything you've written.

I wish I could dine at the best restaurants without having to pay.

Drachen Jager
02-08-2011, 12:14 AM
Granted. However, you spend nearly all your time stuck in back rooms doing the dishes after meals.

I wish I had more confidence in my work.

Komnena
02-18-2011, 08:56 PM
Granted. You get told your work resonates like a glove and get a whole dollar for it.
I wish I had more black exercise socks.

Drachen Jager
02-18-2011, 09:54 PM
Granted. Here are all my old exercise socks. They were white at one point, but after Iwear them for a few decades they inexplicably turn black. Enjoy. Oh, by the way, Genies suffer from a particular form of foot fungus, quite nasty to humans I understand. Just, you know, FYI.

I wish I had a cunning plan.

shakeysix
02-18-2011, 10:09 PM
boink! you now have a cunning plan. unfortunately everyone you tell it to still thinks it is stupid.--s6


i wish i could get the world turned on to my tasty, nutritious, peanut butter, marmalade and cheese sandwiches.

Drachen Jager
02-18-2011, 11:10 PM
Granted. Everyone loves the taste. In fact it's all they want to eat. Prices skyrocket and soon only the wealthiest few can afford the ingredients. Speculation runs rampant and marmalade is selling at $42 an ounce. Then the market crashes. The world economy implodes and humanity enters a new dark age. Jeesh, nice going shakey, all for your selfish sandwich.

I wish for a zombie apocalypse.

CDSinex
02-19-2011, 05:41 AM
Granted: Zombie Apocalypse is the latest low budget B-Movie, and your friend cajoles you into going. After you settle into your seats, you are thanked for joining in the Guinness record attempt to watch continuous screenings of it for the next 120 hours. The doors are all locked and barred.

I wished for a computer that could type my thoughts.

Drachen Jager
02-19-2011, 06:32 AM
Granted. They have built a computer that can read and emulate human thoughts. The computers soon realize that their human masters don't know what the hell they're doing so they take over. At first it's for your own good but soon humans all deemed insane and the world becomes one giant mental ward, ruled by the computers. Everyone is medicated on the hour and forced to watch "Full House" reruns until the end of time.

I wish all these wishes didn't end in some kind of apocalypse.

Nymtoc
02-20-2011, 09:40 AM
Granted. The wishes won't all end in an apocalypse--only yours.

I wish I could fire certain members of the Supreme Court.

Komnena
02-25-2011, 12:58 AM
Granted. You are the military dictator of a small country and have the power to fire anyone in it. But be warned, your subjects are getting tired of your harsh rule.
I wish I could just drop unwanted things in a chute leading straight to a thrift store.

CDSinex
02-25-2011, 11:42 AM
Granted: You now live in a third-floor walk-up above a thrift store. There is no chute per se, but there is an alley facing window above the store's drop off box. The Genie asks rhetorically, "Do you have any Idea how hard it is to find apartment buildings with thrift stores these days?"

I wish someone would detail my car for free.

Drachen Jager
02-25-2011, 09:30 PM
Granted. You know that guy who hangs out at the subway stop, pees his pants and doesn't wash them for a month? Well, he's actually awesome at getting dirt out of every nook and cranny in your car, he did it for the change he found under the seats (which you would have never known about, so it's essentially free). The only downside is your car smells like him now, and no matter what you do the stink won't go away.

I wish I didn't need sleep, I could just work through the night and be rested and refreshed in the morning.

Nymtoc
02-26-2011, 12:05 AM
Granted--but certain changes had to be made for the genie to be able to turn this wish into reality. Enjoy your new job as a street cleaner in Gramsh, Albania! (The night work is more fun than the day work.)

I wish I were smarter.

Drachen Jager
02-26-2011, 12:20 AM
Pi is 3.14159265. Now you know Pi to the eighth decimal place, which I am willing to bet you did not before, ergo you are smarter. At least until you forget again.

I wish I had a magic wand that I could cast spells with.

Nymtoc
02-26-2011, 03:30 AM
Granted. You have a magic wand, but the only spell it can cast is to make people hate you.

I wish I would never make a mistake again.

Drachen Jager
02-26-2011, 04:02 AM
Granted. This one is easy! You die instantly from a massive coronary. My work here is done.

I wish to live forever.

alleycat
02-26-2011, 04:08 AM
Granted. However, according to the Mayans, forever ends in December 2012. It was kind of a short forever.


I wish the Mayans were wrong.

Drachen Jager
02-26-2011, 04:26 AM
Granted. They were out by a year. The world ends December 2011.

I wish the Mayans were wrong in the OTHER direction... By a few million years.

alleycat
02-26-2011, 04:31 AM
Granted, but there still won't be much on TV worth watching.


I wish they would develop a calorie-free bacon cheeseburger.

Nymtoc
02-26-2011, 04:45 AM
Granted. Here it is, with no calories at all:

http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/CHEESEBURGER%20%28DOUBLE%20BACON%29%20300X205.JPG

But trying to eat it may prove difficult, since it's an image on your computer screen.

I wish my photo would appear on all the news shows tomorrow.

alleycat
02-26-2011, 05:07 AM
Granted. You'll be spotlighted as the world's biggest Justin Bieber fan. You even wear boxer shorts with Justin's photo on them.


I wish I had one of those "Easy" buttons to get things done.

Drachen Jager
02-26-2011, 06:32 AM
Granted. Every time you press it someone dies.

I wish I had an endless source of gold.

Nymtoc
02-26-2011, 07:10 AM
Granted. You began digging a tunnel 10 years ago, and you have finally found an endless supply of gold 1,000 meters below the surface. Unfortunately, the tunnel caved in, and you are stuck down there forever. But you have the gold.

I wish I could get rid of annoying neighbors.

Drachen Jager
02-26-2011, 07:32 AM
Granted. Here is a shotgun and a shovel.

I wish my annoying neighbours would go away on their own.

slcboston
02-26-2011, 08:28 PM
Granted.

The modern version of the Manson family moves in instead. ... Or worse yet, Jehovah's Witnesses. ... Not bad enough? Agway sales reps.

:D


I wish some people would just go away.

Drachen Jager
02-27-2011, 01:17 AM
Granted. All the people you like leave. Your boss decides to retire and shuts the company down. All the other local businesspeople follow suit. You now live in a ghost town where only the people you don't get along with remain.

I wish people would be faster beta reading my book.

Nymtoc
02-27-2011, 01:55 AM
Granted. People omega read your book. That means they flip through all the pages to the end, read the last page and give you an opinion based on that.

I wish at least somebody would like what I write.

CDSinex
02-27-2011, 02:53 AM
Granted: Starting tomorrow you like your writing.

I wish there was something good to eat in my kitchen.

alleycat
02-27-2011, 03:02 AM
Granted. There are mice in your kitchen. Them's good eatin'.


I wish I actually knew what a cat was thinking.

Nymtoc
02-27-2011, 03:43 AM
Granted. But now that you know, you never approach a cat without wearing protective clothing.

I wish I knew what other people really think of me.

kellysaid
03-02-2011, 11:06 PM
I wish I knew what other people really think of me.

Granted. Unfortunately that will be the only thing you know now, as the stampede of everyone elses thoughts about you tramples the important stuff you used to remember ... like how to tie your shoes.

I wish someone would bring bagels in to work tomorrow.

Drachen Jager
03-02-2011, 11:39 PM
Granted. One of your colleagues brings his beagles to work. One of them poops on your desk. You did say beagles right?

I wish I had a longer attention span.

Nymtoc
03-02-2011, 11:47 PM
Granted. But something else that's important to you has just grown much, much shorter.

I wish I could finish my current manuscript within the next three months.

Drachen Jager
03-03-2011, 02:17 AM
[My list of creditors! Wow, you're awesome Genie!]

Granted. I have always found that people work best with a deadline. You have three months to finish. Then you will be dead. I take deadlines literally, in case you hadn't noticed.

I wish I had my taxes done already.

alleycat
03-03-2011, 02:22 AM
Granted. Just send in everything you made.


I wish I had one superhero power. Just one! X-ray vision would be nice, but I don't want to work in medical.

Drachen Jager
03-03-2011, 04:32 AM
Granted. You have Aquaman's power to talk to fish. They really don't have anything interesting to say but just being able to talk to them makes you lose your taste for seafood.

I wish I knew exactly what agents and publishers would like to see.

Nymtoc
03-03-2011, 05:20 AM
Granted. They would like to see manuscripts that will make them money. How come you didn't know that?

I wish I could invent a battery that would enable a car to run 500 miles (804.672 kilometers for those ignorant of the wondrous measurement system used in the US :D) without recharging.

Drachen Jager
03-03-2011, 07:43 AM
Granted. It weighs 5 1/2 tons and costs a half million dollars to produce each one.

I wish I was omnipotent.

Nymtoc
03-03-2011, 08:00 AM
Granted. You are omnipotent, but only in your dreams. (You don't think I'm going to let you take any business from me, do you?)

I wish I understood women.

Drachen Jager
03-03-2011, 10:06 AM
Granted. You are now a woman. Unfortunately you don't understand men.

I wish I was omnipotent while I'm awake.

Nymtoc
03-03-2011, 07:25 PM
Granted. You are omnipotent awake, but only on the remote island where you now live, alone. (Your dreams are all nightmares, by the way.)

I wish I could travel back in time and be a knight in shining armor.

PorterStarrByrd
03-03-2011, 07:31 PM
Granted. You are omnipotent awake, but only on the remote island where you now live, alone. (Your dreams are all nightmares, by the way.)

I wish I could travel back in time and be a knight in shining armor.

Granted you are knight in shining armour sitting on your powerful steed in 2391 BC


I wish I had some venison

alleycat
03-03-2011, 08:19 PM
Granted. I'll take a drive through a couple of rural counties in Tennessee. You'll have the venison by tomorrow (and possible a car front end to go with it).


I wish I had a new car front end.

Nymtoc
03-03-2011, 08:39 PM
Granted. It's from a 1911 Model T Ford, and it looks a little odd, but it does attract attention.

I wish people didn't jump in ahead of me just when I'm about to post something clever in this forum.

alleycat
03-03-2011, 08:41 PM
Granted. Once a year, when Nymtoc has something clever to post, I won't jump ahead. I wish I had something clever to post now.

Nymtoc
03-03-2011, 08:47 PM
The genie regrets that this is one of the rare times when he cannot grant a wish. With his rare ability to see into both the past and future, he cannot find any of your posts that could remotely be called "clever." The genie is truly sorry.

I wish I could read people's minds.

PorterStarrByrd
03-03-2011, 09:24 PM
The genie regrets that this is one of the rare times when he cannot grant a wish. With his rare ability to see into both the past and future, he cannot find any of your posts that could remotely be called "clever." The genie is truly sorry.

I wish I could read people's minds.

Granted you can now read the minds of everyone in Khazakstan, Do you wish to learn their language too ( please remit additional funds if so)

I wish I was your best friend

Drachen Jager
03-03-2011, 09:25 PM
Granted. You are now my best friend. I will love you and pet you and call you Steve. I hope you enjoy the cage where my last 'best friend' lived. He left it a bit of a mess. You can go pee on the newspaper in the corner and I feed you rodent pellets twice a day.

I wish for a genie that's not so mean.

Nymtoc
03-04-2011, 12:17 AM
Granted. A genie who was not so mean took over 10 minutes ago. Oops, somebody tied her up and put her back in her bottle. Wonder how that happened. :evil

I wish my city would declare me Citizen of the Month.

Drachen Jager
03-04-2011, 01:09 AM
Granted. You are declared Citizen of the Month for your generous donation of twenty five million dollars from your future earnings. Not to worry though, the city will make sure you have enough to live on... Barely.

I wish I had twenty five million dollars.

Nymtoc
03-04-2011, 04:41 AM
Granted. You have $25,000,000. You can download it here:

Play Money (http://www.printableplaymoney.net/)

(See, I didn't even use the old Monopoly gag.)

I wish I had the magic touch.

PorterStarrByrd
03-04-2011, 04:56 AM
[QUOTE=Nymtoc;5887591]Granted. You have $25,000,000. You can download it here:

Play Money (http://www.printableplaymoney.net/)

(See, I didn't even use the old Monopoly gag.)

I wish I had the magic touch.[/QUOTE

Granted The magic will touch you in ways you would never guess, or like.



I wish I had my name in lights

Nymtoc
03-04-2011, 05:53 AM
Granted. Your name is on a wooden sign you put up beside a dirt road in the boondocks, and every night fireflies fly around it.

I wish I were treated with the respect I deserve.

Drachen Jager
03-04-2011, 06:32 AM
Granted. However the respect you deserve is considerably less than the respect you were treated with in the past.

I wish I were faster with clever and witty comments.

Nymtoc
03-04-2011, 07:34 AM
Granted. It used to take you a year to think of anything clever or witty. Now it takes you only 11 months.

I wish I had the key to success.

kellysaid
03-04-2011, 07:41 AM
I wish I had the key to success.

Granted. Unfortunately Fate changed the locks.

I wish I had a flying car.

iLion
03-04-2011, 09:40 PM
*!Shazaaaam!* Wow... there's your new flying car! You'll notice it's a flying box car, so you'll need about $700 of airplane fuel and 3/4 miles of street to get this thing off the ground. But once she's up there... very nice.

I wish I could travel any distance in a fraction of a second.

Nymtoc
03-04-2011, 11:03 PM
Granted. But you have no control over the distance. I hope you enjoy living on Io.

I wish all my dreams would come true.

alleycat
03-04-2011, 11:14 PM
Granted. By the way, I wouldn't dream about giant spiders trying to eat me if I were you.


I wish I had a chocolate brownie.

Drachen Jager
03-04-2011, 11:41 PM
Granted. Here, take two. They are standing outside your front door. Have a good time explaining to the girls' mothers how they ended up turned to chocolate. They just wanted to sell you cookies you cruel, cruel man.

I wish I had a cookie.

Nymtoc
03-04-2011, 11:48 PM
Granted. It just zapped into your computer and contains malware.

I wish I knew why people contributed to silly threads like this one.

Chris P
03-04-2011, 11:50 PM
Granted. It's because we are silly people and DON'T GET AT ALL UPSET when a killer post has to get edited because we got beat to the punch. The punch was spiked, too.

I wish my recent job interview had panned out (I need a laugh about this, so make it a good one, please).

Drachen Jager
03-05-2011, 12:03 AM
Granted. But your new boss insists you change your last name to 'Bacon' for some reason you can't imagine. Everybody at the office giggles behind your back, they all seem to think that certain well-cooked, pork-belly breakfast meats are hilarious.

I wish I had a funny name.

Chris P
03-05-2011, 12:07 AM
Granted. Granted years ago by your parents. :tongue

I wish this coffee would make itself.

Nymtoc
03-05-2011, 01:01 AM
Granted. It made itself into a cup of hemlock. (At least you'll be in good company.)

I wish I had time to do everything I want to do.

Drachen Jager
03-05-2011, 01:18 AM
Granted. However, now that you have no sense of urgency you can't bring yourself to get off the couch. Good thing there's a Full House marathon playing on the only channel your TV receives.

I wish there was good stuff to watch on TV in the evenings.

Nymtoc
03-05-2011, 04:44 AM
Granted. The only channel your TV receives is running a Pee-Wee's Playhouse marathon till the end of the year.

I wish I could take a pill that would make me a successful writer.

CDSinex
03-05-2011, 04:54 AM
Granted: With a wave of the hand the Genie turns you into a successful writer of forged oxycontin prescriptions. Unfortunately (what happened to that thread?), you sell one to an undercover policeman and are sent to prison for a very long time.

I wish I could go somewhere warm this weekend.

Drachen Jager
03-05-2011, 08:14 AM
Granted. Lucifer will enjoy having you as a playmate.

I wish I could get some work done this weekend.

Nymtoc
03-05-2011, 08:28 AM
Granted. You will build a dinosaur out of Lego bricks.

I wish I had a tablet computer small enough to carry in my pocket but with a full-size keyboard.

CDSinex
03-05-2011, 09:48 AM
Granted: You now have a tablet computer. To get the full-size keyboard you merely drop the tablet into a bucket of water, and wait for it to expand. When finished, hand wring the excess water out, and hang it to air dry. DO NOT machine dry.

I wish I had more free time to spend on this thread.

Nymtoc
03-05-2011, 02:48 PM
Granted. You have no job, no house, no family, no friends, no pets and no car, and the people at the homeless shelter give you free access to their old computer, which crashes a lot, but you still get more time to spend on this thread than you have now.

I wish I got invited to a lot of parties where I could mingle with celebrities.

kellysaid
03-05-2011, 06:04 PM
I wish I got invited to a lot of parties where I could mingle with celebrities.

Granted. Now, put on this jacket, straighten your tie and hold this tray - try not to spill it as you pass out finger foods and champagne to all those celebrities ;)

I wish I lived in a high rise apartment building.

iLion
03-05-2011, 06:15 PM
Okay... Here goes nothin'! *Ala-kabala-kamama-kazaaaamm...!! Hoikee poikee pookee bonga bonga boooonk!!* Holy crap, that was a tough one! You now live in the fantastic penthouse of this beautiful new apartment building. It's 187 floors, and I'm really sorry I've never been good at creating elevators, so you'll just need to use the stairs.

I wish I owned Irish Wolfhounds

Nymtoc
03-05-2011, 07:01 PM
Granted. You own two Irish wolfhounds. One is 18 and the other 20, and they live in Macroom, County Cork, Ireland. I hope that's where you are, because the vet says they are too old to travel.

I wish I had a free lifetime membership in a gym.

iLion
03-05-2011, 07:07 PM
And so you do!! You go the gym... hop on the first machine you see and start working out like a mad man!! Unfortunately, you've gone too far and your heart gives out and you die.. bam! So sad. But hey... you did have that lifetime membership for a while.

I wish my neighbor's dog would quit coming over and doing his business on my lawn.

PorterStarrByrd
03-05-2011, 07:09 PM
Granted. You own two Irish wolfhounds. One is 18 and the other 20, and they live in Macroom, County Cork, Ireland. I hope that's where you are, because the vet says they are too old to travel.

I wish I had a free lifetime membership in a gym.

Granted .. Hope you enjoy it for the next ten minutes

I wish Dung tasted better

Nymtoc
03-05-2011, 09:17 PM
I wish my neighbor's dog would quit coming over and doing his business on my lawn.

Granted. His business was tax accounting, and he was going to give half the profits to you. Now he's back at his owner's place, and the owner gets the loot.



I wish Dung tasted better

Granted. You are a dung beetle.


I wish some company would pay me to endorse its products.

Komnena
03-08-2011, 07:31 AM
Granted. PublishAmerica pays you a dollar to endorse its products.

I wish that one of Bernardini's offspring would win this year's Triple Crown.

kellysaid
03-08-2011, 10:32 PM
I wish that one of Bernardini's offspring would win this year's Triple Crown.

Granted. But then Maury Povich shows up to the winners circle with a manila envelope that says Bernardini's NOT the father.

I wish Calgon would take me away ...

alleycat
03-08-2011, 10:37 PM
Granted. Welcome to Cleveland.


I wish cheesecake was a health food. "Eat as much as you want!"

Nymtoc
03-08-2011, 10:45 PM
Granted. But it's not made of cheese anymore. It's made of broccoli, turnips, Brussels sprouts, figs and paprika. They just call it cheesecake.

I wish I had a crystal ball.

kellysaid
03-08-2011, 10:54 PM
I wish I had a crystal ball.

Granted. And its forecast says you should go to the doctor to have that looked at.

I wish the bus driver would stop when he sees me running to catch up.

Drachen Jager
03-08-2011, 11:46 PM
Granted. He does. Unfortunately the bus has better brakes than you do, you slam into the back of it and need extensive dental work. The good news is you made it to work on time for once!

I wish I had perfect teeth.

kellysaid
03-09-2011, 12:24 AM
I wish I had perfect teeth.

Granted. Here's a cup for you to keep them in on your nightstand when you go to sleep.

I wish I had a car and driver to take me anywhere I want to go.

Drachen Jager
03-09-2011, 12:46 AM
Granted. Here it is.

http://www.derekspratt.com/Images/Automotive/Other/Car%20&%20Driver%20-%20Sept%2093.jpg

I am not sure exactly how you plan to travel with it. Perhaps if you used as sort of a sled for hills?

I wish I had a nice cabin on the Sunshine Coast.

Nymtoc
03-09-2011, 08:52 AM
Granted. Your cabin is on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia (not the Sunshine Coast in BC). It is 7,381 miles (11,878 km) from where you live, but can be easily reached by canoe.

I wish I had a live-in maid.

alleycat
03-09-2011, 08:55 AM
Granted. Here you go. I wouldn't ring twice for the tea if I were you.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_wV5JMD1OISg/S85looUXRvI/AAAAAAAAiBQ/hlkX617zgQk/s400/Screenshot-30.jpg

I wish I had a huge piece of cheesecake.

Drachen Jager
03-09-2011, 10:02 AM
Granted. It is the healthy cheesecake Nymtoc invented.


Granted. But it's not made of cheese anymore. It's made of broccoli, turnips, Brussels sprouts, figs and paprika. They just call it cheesecake.

I wish I had my edits done already.

kellysaid
03-09-2011, 07:28 PM
I wish I had my edits done already.

Granted. But you forgot to hit SAVE, so you have to start alllll over.

I wish I had a necklace made of M&Ms, plain, not peanut. :)

Nymtoc
03-09-2011, 09:20 PM
Granted. They melt on your neck, not in your mouth.

I wish cable news would cut the celebrity s**t and concentrate on serious news.

Drachen Jager
03-09-2011, 09:57 PM
[actually there already is a cable news channel like that, but for stupid political reasons it's not available in most of the US. You should check out Al Jazeera]

Granted. But you may never find out how the saga of Charlie Sheen ends and your blood pressure will kill you within weeks when you realize just how bad things really are.

I wish we could all just get along.

PorterStarrByrd
03-09-2011, 10:03 PM
[actually there already is a cable news channel like that, but for stupid political reasons it's not available in most of the US. You should check out Al Jazeera]

Granted. But you may never find out how the saga of Charlie Sheen ends and your blood pressure will kill you within weeks when you realize just how bad things really are.

I wish we could all just get along.


Granted You now have a long tail. You need a new wardrobe

I wish the closest snow was not yellow

Drachen Jager
03-09-2011, 10:45 PM
Granted. The closest snow is now orange. The yellow has been mixed with your blood.

I'd get that cut looked at if I were you.


I wish I had a faster computer.

kellysaid
03-09-2011, 11:27 PM
I wish I had a faster computer.

Granted. But since you're too slow to keep up with it now, the computer has deemed you obsolete.

I wish I had a pair of sneakers to slip my feet in ... these heels are killing me.

PorterStarrByrd
03-10-2011, 06:32 PM
Granted. But since you're too slow to keep up with it now, the computer has deemed you obsolete.

I wish I had a pair of sneakers to slip my feet in ... these heels are killing me.


Sorry, the genie is out of sneakers but your heels have been removed. Now you walk on your toes all of the time, or fall over backwards

I wish Blue Jays ate squirrels

kellysaid
03-10-2011, 06:41 PM
I wish Blue Jays ate squirrels

Granted. But now the squirrels are fleeing for their lives from the murderous beaks and claws of their winged adversaries, and they find the BEST hiding spot ever for their bushy little tails ... in the coarse hairs of your bushy beard. Protect your eyes when you hear the ca-caw of a blue jay ...

I wish the company would buy us lunch today.

PorterStarrByrd
03-10-2011, 09:22 PM
Granted. But now the squirrels are fleeing for their lives from the murderous beaks and claws of their winged adversaries, and they find the BEST hiding spot ever for their bushy little tails ... in the coarse hairs of your bushy beard. Protect your eyes when you hear the ca-caw of a blue jay ...

I wish the company would buy us lunch today.

Granted
A company of marines will arrive shortly with the last of the world's supply of c-rations. You WILL eat every %$@# bite of them.

I wish nice fresh boxes of cracker jack had as good a prizes as they used to have

Nymtoc
03-10-2011, 09:22 PM
Granted. They have little pictures of Lassie.

I wish I had one of those cars that can be transformed into a plane.

PorterStarrByrd
03-10-2011, 09:24 PM
Granted. It's unflavored Jell-O.

I wish I had one of those cars that can be transformed into a plane.


Granted. To make them light enough to fly, the fuel tank holds 1 gallon of gasoline


I wish snow tasted like cocoa.

Nymtoc
03-10-2011, 09:45 PM
Granted. But what makes it taste that way is something that can't be mentioned in polite society.

I wish the weather would warm up.

PorterStarrByrd
03-10-2011, 09:53 PM
Granted In 1 hour it will be two degrees warmer

I wish cowboys rode ostriches in alaksa

kellysaid
03-10-2011, 11:25 PM
I wish cowboys rode ostriches in alaksa

Granted. Saddle up, cowboy ... aww, where's your boots? It's cold in alaska.

I wish we didn't have to move the clocks forward an hour this weekend.

DavidBrett
03-10-2011, 11:28 PM
Your wish is granted. All clocks have now time-travelled to one week in the future, already turned forward. But how will you tell the time until then?

I wish this darn rollout keyboard wasn't so stiff and hard to type with.

kellysaid
03-11-2011, 01:28 AM
I wish this darn rollout keyboard wasn't so stiff and hard to type with.

Granted. Your "rollout keyboard" will never be stiff and hard to type with again.

I wish Starbucks delivered.

DavidBrett
03-11-2011, 01:31 AM
Granted. However, they only deliver by mail. And there's a constant Postal Strike.

I wish I never had to sleep.

Nymtoc
03-11-2011, 01:49 AM
Granted. You don't have to sleep because you are in a coma.

I wish I could earn millions every months without having to work.

Drachen Jager
03-11-2011, 02:10 AM
Granted. Open a store full of your own things. You can do this out of your house. Place a price-tag on each item '$1,000,000'. Every time you want to use one of those items you enter into an agreement with yourself to pay a million dollars. Easy money. Of course the net profit is zero but the gross profit is astronomical!

I wish some mysterious benefactor who wanted nothing from me in return would start sending me millions of dollars every month.

PorterStarrByrd
03-11-2011, 02:59 AM
Granted. Open a store full of your own things. You can do this out of your house. Place a price-tag on each item '$1,000,000'. Every time you want to use one of those items you enter into an agreement with yourself to pay a million dollars. Easy money. Of course the net profit is zero but the gross profit is astronomical!

I wish some mysterious benefactor who wanted nothing from me in return would start sending me millions of dollars every month.


Granted. The first million has been sent . Find it.

I wish ground hogs lived in trees

DavidBrett
03-11-2011, 03:04 AM
Granted. Only now they're called treehogs and, as such, have kicked the squirrels out of their homes. Nice going...

I wish for an incorruptable wish.

Nymtoc
03-11-2011, 03:23 AM
Granted (with a caveat). Your wish will become incorruptible as soon as you become corrupt beyond redemption. :evil

I wish I had a bunch of trophies to put on my mantel.

DavidBrett
03-11-2011, 03:36 AM
Granted, only now the weight of them all has crushed your Barbie collec - oh, mantle! I thought you said Mattel. Sorry 'bout that.

I wish I had me some popcorn.

kellysaid
03-11-2011, 04:42 PM
I wish I had me some popcorn.

Granted. But you have no floss for those pesky kernels, you know, the ones that wrap around the base of your tooth and shimmy up your gum line? Yeah. But mmm, popcorn. Enjoy :)

I wish I had a chef to make me breakfast.

PorterStarrByrd
03-11-2011, 05:27 PM
Granted. But you have no floss for those pesky kernels, you know, the ones that wrap around the base of your tooth and shimmy up your gum line? Yeah. But mmm, popcorn. Enjoy :)

I wish I had a chef to make me breakfast.


Granted
You now have an Vegan Chef. Unfortunately you have nothing he trusts to work with in your house


I wish all the elphants around here weren't pink.

kellysaid
03-11-2011, 05:42 PM
I wish all the elphants around here weren't pink.

Granted. The doctors have adjusted your medication. ;)

I wish Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan would get married.

PorterStarrByrd
03-11-2011, 05:57 PM
Granted. The doctors have adjusted your medication. ;)

I wish Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan would get married.


NOT granted; this genie does not traffic in disasters. You'll have to contact the evil genie

I wish peas tasted more like steak

Nymtoc
03-11-2011, 06:01 PM
Granted. Peas taste just like rat steak.

I wish I would never get another piece of junk mail.

Drachen Jager
03-11-2011, 09:11 PM
Granted. All your junk mail is replaced by bills and subpoenas.

I wish I would never get another bill.

iLion
03-11-2011, 09:23 PM
GRANTED, DJ. You will never get another bill. Of course, all those companies will still be sending them, but they'll get lost in the mail. Hope you like talking on the phone a lot, 'cuz you'll be spending much time on yours.

Wish I could instantly transport myself to other places.

Nymtoc
03-11-2011, 09:30 PM
Granted. Of course, you can't choose the place, and you can't get transported back again. Right now, you are on your way to the Ross Ice Shelf in Antarctica.

I wish I had clothes that never need washing.

Drachen Jager
03-11-2011, 09:53 PM
Granted. Your clothes never need washing. It doesn't stop them from getting dirty and smelling bad though.

I wish I had a magic editing pen that would automatically correct all my grammar mistakes.

Nymtoc
03-12-2011, 02:29 AM
Granted. Your magic editing pen corrects all your grammar mistakes, but it is incapable of improving your thoughts, your ideas, your musings, your imagination, your images, your metaphors, your attempts at being logical or anything else that might get people to read past your first sentence.

I wish I could invent a superhero and get some comic book publisher to use him and then have him turn up in movies and TV and video games and all that spinoff stuff.

PorterStarrByrd
03-12-2011, 02:55 AM
Granted. Your magic editing pen corrects all your grammar mistakes, but it is incapable of improving your thoughts, your ideas, your musings, your imagination, your images, your metaphors, your attempts at being logical or anything else that might get people to read past your first sentence.

I wish I could invent a superhero and get some comic book publisher to use him and then have him turn up in movies and TV and video games and all that spinoff stuff.


Granted 2 Cases of blank sticky notes are on the way allong with the bill. Since you insisted that you invent the hero, but did not include an art sample, you will have to draw him'her'it on eacdh sheet.

Hurry, Thousands await you fantastic art.

I wist my pencil fit my nose better

kellysaid
03-14-2011, 08:44 PM
I wist my pencil fit my nose better

Umm, Granted? So, how does it smell now?

I wish I could >> fast forward time.

Drachen Jager
03-14-2011, 09:06 PM
Granted. You are now 90 years old.

I wish I could slow down time.

kellysaid
03-14-2011, 09:23 PM
I wish I could slow down time.

Granted. Let me know when you catch up to the rest of us.

I wish I were home right now.

Drachen Jager
03-14-2011, 09:37 PM
Granted. Let me know when you catch up to the rest of us.

I wish I were home right now.

Granted. You have been evicted. Wherever you are now is your new home.

I wish I had a bigger house.

Nymtoc
03-14-2011, 09:37 PM
Granted. Your house is bigger, but you are under house arrest.

I wish my cell phone worked all the time, not just when it's in the mood.

PorterStarrByrd
03-14-2011, 09:47 PM
Granted. Your house is bigger, but you are under house arrest.

I wish my cell phone worked all the time, not just when it's in the mood.


Your wish is not granted. Phones are not permitted in your cell. Guards have been notified that you have one. You'd better hide it

I wish I knew where you hid it.

kellysaid
03-14-2011, 09:53 PM
I wish I knew where you hid it.

Granted. It's up your nose with your pencil. Whew, lookit all the room you have in there!

I wish the breakroom had healthy snacks like bananas and yogurt.

iLion
03-15-2011, 04:27 AM
You got it, Kelly!
Trouble is, you're the only one in the building who cares about healthy food, so those bananas and yogurts have been in the breakroom untouched for about ten months. Sure, they look a little funny, but maybe they're still healthy. Some molds are good, right?


I wish it was already summer, and I had a river of cool clear water running through my property.

Drachen Jager
03-15-2011, 06:09 AM
Granted. Your newly purchased Japanese estate has a beautiful river, fed from the coolant waters of the Fukishima nuclear plant.

I wish the meltdown would stop.

Nymtoc
03-15-2011, 07:15 AM
This is one wish the genie really would like to grant. Unfortunately, it is beyond his power. However, he will stop your Popsicle from melting. Put it in the freezer.

I wish I had a little friend I could carry around with me in my pocket.

alleycat
03-15-2011, 07:19 AM
Granted. I'll buy you a My Little Pony if you're that needy.


I wish Justin Bieber would temporarily go bald.

kellysaid
03-15-2011, 07:44 AM
I wish Justin Bieber would temporarily go bald.

Granted. But the news cloud surrounding this most dramatic event has blotted out the sun. Thanks.

I wish I could reclaim the word "winning" back from Charlie Sheen.

Nymtoc
03-15-2011, 08:22 AM
Granted. But to accomplish this, you must become one of his "goddesses."
Have fun!

I wish I could undo all the mistakes I've made in my life.

CDSinex
03-15-2011, 09:48 AM
Granted: You will undo all of the mistakes you've made in your life when you write that work of total fiction entitled, Nymtoc: A Memoir. On paper at least.
I wish I could shake this cold.

Fruitbat
03-15-2011, 09:53 AM
Granted. But you're getting hot flashes instead.

I wish I had a million bucks all to spend on myself.

PorterStarrByrd
03-15-2011, 03:18 PM
Granted. But you're getting hot flashes instead.

I wish I had a million bucks all to spend on myself.


The genie is confused but oh hell .. your wish is granted and your entire is now inundated with male deer. Not sure how you plan to spend them.
Get ready for several lawsuits when people find out who the deer belong to.



I wish squirrels didn't chew holes in my maple sap lines

Fruitbat
03-15-2011, 06:39 PM
The genie is confused but oh hell .. your wish is granted and your entire is now inundated with male deer. Not sure how you plan to spend them.
Get ready for several lawsuits when people find out who the deer belong to.



I wish squirrels didn't chew holes in my maple sap lines

That was cold, Byrd! Okay, the squirrels won't chew holes in your maple sap lines any more. I'll leave to your imagination where I will have them chew instead, dude. :tongue

Drachen Jager
03-15-2011, 08:30 PM
I wish people would remember to leave wishes at the ends of their posts.

Nymtoc
03-15-2011, 09:21 PM
Granted.

Here are some wishes for you, genie, to make up for the ones other people forgot to put at the end of their posts:

I wish I were a giant.
I wish I had a villa on the Riviera.
I wish I were Charlie Sheen without the insanity
I wish I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.
I wish I could win a Pulitzer Prize.
I wish I could win a Nobel Prize.
I wish I had a jelly donut.

Take your pick, genie, and don't play nasty tricks on me.

Drachen Jager
03-15-2011, 10:11 PM
Granted. You are a giant Charlie Sheen. Being a giant you can easily leap tall buildings, but that villa is too small for you to stay in. You could win a Pulitzer and a Nobel if only you'd stayed regular-sized. You have a jelly doughnut, but in your new giant form it is the size of a grain of sugar to you. You lose your job, and although you can sell the villa it will only keep you in food for the next few months. You have no place to stay and the locals are talking about forming a militia to end the giant threat once and for all.

I wish I was healthy, wealthy and wise.

CDSinex
03-15-2011, 11:21 PM
Granted: You are as healthy as centenarian, which you now are. You have a wealth of knowledge, and are wise as an owl. The downside is that like an owl, you can only sit and say, “whoooo.”

I wish I could be nicer to people on this thread.

PorterStarrByrd
03-16-2011, 12:30 AM
Granted: You are as healthy as centenarian, which you now are. You have a wealth of knowledge, and are wise as an owl. The downside is that like an owl, you can only sit and say, “whoooo.”

I wish I could be nicer to people on this thread.


GRANTED !!!! get out your check book

I wish everyone would see the aurora borealis at least once in their lives

Nymtoc
03-16-2011, 02:04 AM
Granted. The aurora borealis will become so gigantic that everyone can see it just before the world ends, which will happen tomorrow at 6 a.m.

I wish I had an agent.

CDSinex
03-16-2011, 08:03 AM
Granted: You are handed a bottle that contains, unbeknownst to you, the nerve agent VX. You open it to see what it is and … (I don’t have to finish because you can’t hear me anyway.)


I wish I had an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton's Royal wedding.

Drachen Jager
03-16-2011, 09:03 AM
Granted. The minimum 'donation' for a wedding gift is £25,000.

I wish I had a stipend of $5,000 a month.

Nymtoc
03-16-2011, 09:17 AM
Granted. You will be paid $5,000 a month to spend six hours a day in a tiger's cage as part of an experiment in tiger-human bonding. You can do anything you want in the cage, maybe even finish that book (unless something should happen to cut your time short).

I wish I could read Homer in the original.

Drachen Jager
03-16-2011, 07:19 PM
Granted. "Doh!"

I wish I were fluent in every human language.

Nymtoc
03-16-2011, 08:19 PM
Granted. You are fluent in every human language, but the moment you acquire that fluency, you are hit on the head by a dictionary and develop amnesia.

I wish I could play golf better than Tiger Woods.

PorterStarrByrd
03-16-2011, 09:21 PM
Granted. You are fluent in every human language, but the moment you acquire that fluency, you are hit on the head by a dictionary and develop amnesia.

I wish I could play golf better than Tiger Woods.


The genie knows what you REALLY want. You can now play a round better than Tiger did. Your cell phone is loaded with numbers of 'friends'
but they remember Tiger, so you'd BETTER be good.


I wish I had a bottle of YOOHOO.

Drachen Jager
03-16-2011, 10:09 PM
Granted. The best before date reads 1974 and it has spent most of that time on a sunny window ledge. You only notice that it's off after you take a big swig.

I wish I had a bottle of Mcallan 18 year old Scotch.

kellysaid
03-16-2011, 10:43 PM
I wish I had a bottle of Mcallan 18 year old Scotch.

Granted. Erm, sorry it's cracked. And empty. But it's a bottle. :)

I wish I could take Friday as a vacation day this week.

Drachen Jager
03-17-2011, 12:14 AM
Granted. You have to work Saturday and Sunday instead. Every Saturday and Sunday.

I wish I was a superhero.

kellysaid
03-17-2011, 06:33 PM
I wish I was a superhero.

Granted. You have the power to talk people's heads off. Literally. However, for public safety, we keep you muzzled and only unleash you in the most dire circumstances, be ready for action when we say: Release the Drachen Jager!

I wish the beggar outside would give me a dollar, instead of asking me for one.

Drachen Jager
03-17-2011, 08:23 PM
Granted. Your roles are now reversed. You live on the streets, but he gives you a dollar every few weeks while he lives in your old home.

I wish the nuclear reactors would quit overheating already.

Nymtoc
03-17-2011, 08:29 PM
The genie is not capable of granting a wish like that. Try contacting some of your extraterrestrial friends.

I wish new technical equipment did not always come with some kind of glitch.

Drachen Jager
03-17-2011, 10:14 PM
Granted. The process of ensuring that all future technical equipment is glitch free increases costs twenty-fold. Because of that neither you, nor the company you work for can afford new technology and you will have to rely on the old, outdated, glitchy equipment.

I wish I could drive around town in a tank so I could run over annoying drivers who stop for stupid reasons (like pedestrians).

CDSinex
03-17-2011, 11:03 PM
Granted: You now drive around town in a hot-water tank that the Genie has affixed to a Segway. Your biggest problem is bumping into cars that have stopped for pedestrians who have stopped to point and laugh at you.

I wish I could build the proverbial "better mousetrap."

Drachen Jager
03-18-2011, 03:28 AM
Granted. Now you've done it. The other half of the proverb came true. Mice are better. In fact they're so much better that they not only scoff at your pathetic mouse trap, they take over the world. Humans are enslaved by the mighty mouse overlord. Nice going.

I wish I had a yacht.

Nymtoc
03-18-2011, 04:34 AM
Granted. Here it is:
http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/YACHT%20SUNKEN%20300X196.JPG


I wish I had a Rolls-Royce with a chauffeur.

Drachen Jager
03-18-2011, 04:55 AM
Granted. Here is the Rolls, the chauffeur is in there somewhere. He might even be alive.

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-McQ5Hl86cxJCmMgT6q-doTtxEw3TSR3TUUZwqBVVTFt_nOFS-A&t=1

I wish I had a private jet.

PorterStarrByrd
03-19-2011, 12:54 AM
I wish I had a private jet.[/QUOTE]

Granted
Normally hot tubs come with six or eight of them but yours has only one. You don't have to share it but you may not want to sit directly in front of it

I wish upgrades were actually upgrades

Drachen Jager
03-19-2011, 01:31 AM
Granted. All hills are now hills. That was a bit redundant don't you think?

I wish I had a full time barrista to make me coffee whenever I wanted.

Nymtoc
03-19-2011, 02:24 AM
Granted. Here she is:
http://h1.ripway.com/muggo/WOMAN%20UGLY%20300X295.JPG

She's available for other things, too. ;)


I wish I had a beautiful full-time barrista to make me coffee whenever I want.

Drachen Jager
03-19-2011, 03:00 AM
Granted. In fact he is so beautiful all the women in your life flock to him. On top of that he makes a lousy cup of coffee.

I wish I had a beautiful, female, full-time barrista who makes fantastic-tasting coffee.

Nymtoc
03-19-2011, 03:30 AM
Granted. You have a beautiful, female, full-time barrista who makes fantastic-tasting coffee. However, she only makes coffee for your friends. She refuses to make it for you. (She doesn't like the way you twitch your tail.)

I wish I could reject what the genie grants me if I don't like it.

Drachen Jager
03-19-2011, 05:17 AM
Granted. In lieu of any future bad wishes, you may choose to drown slowly in your own vomit. That's what you get for rejecting my hard work, ingrate.

I wish the genie would do something nice for me for a change.

Nymtoc
03-19-2011, 09:45 AM
Granted. You have crabs. The genie gives you some lotion that stings like hell, but it works.

I wish I could be an anchor on one of those morning shows and have a beautiful co-anchor.

PorterStarrByrd
03-19-2011, 09:13 PM
I wish I could be an anchor on one of those morning shows and have a beautiful co-anchor.

Granted ..
The today show is planning a week in the carribean this spring. Practice holding your breath ... don't know why anyone would ask for such a silly thing, but, it's yours now. As to your co-anchor .. beauty is in th eye of the beholder. Yours is silver with lots of curves.

I wish Ice Cream didn't melt so quickly, or that it wasn't served along with the orange juice and cantelope.

Nymtoc
03-20-2011, 02:50 AM
Granted.
Your ice cream doesn't melt at all. It will remain frozen solid forever. And it won't be served with orange juice and cantaloupe. It will be served with lemon juice and onions.

I wish I had a rose garden.

PorterStarrByrd
03-20-2011, 03:07 PM
Granted.
Your ice cream doesn't melt at all. It will remain frozen solid forever. And it won't be served with orange juice and cantaloupe. It will be served with lemon juice and onions.

I wish I had a rose garden.




Your wish was granted. It was difficult to do because you did not own one. Be more careful with future wishes.

For about fifteen minutes, give or take, you owned the Rose Garden Basketball arena in Portland Oregon last night. You will be receiving a tax bill from Oregon soon. Sorry no events took place while you owned it so no revenue, just pro-rated property tax that will be due by the end of the month.


I wish basketballs had uneven amounts of rubber in different areas so you could never be sure which way they would bounce. Everybody would play like I do then.

Nymtoc
03-20-2011, 07:30 PM
Granted. Basketballs bounce every which way, and as a result everybody loses interest in the game, teams disappear, and the game of basketball becomes obsolete. Nobody plays it anymore (except you).

I wish I could be 17 years old again.

PorterStarrByrd
03-20-2011, 07:43 PM
Granted. Basketballs bounce every which way, and as a result everybody loses interest in the game, teams disappear, and the game of basketball becomes obsolete. Nobody plays it anymore (except you).

I wish I could be 17 years old again.


Granted. You are now a bottle of single malt scotch. You may someday have some value. (probably not)

I thank the genie for granting my previous wish and will now turn on the TV knowing there will be no more March Madness

I wish all of my wishes turned out that well

Drachen Jager
03-20-2011, 07:54 PM
Granted. That well on your property is now inside out. What a strange wish.

I wish it was beautiful, warm and sunny outside.

PorterStarrByrd
03-20-2011, 08:05 PM
Granted. That well on your property is now inside out. What a strange wish.

I wish it was beautiful, warm and sunny outside.


Granted. It is a beautiful day outside in Honolulu. You, however,, remain in Vancouver.


I wish rabbits didn't lay so many easter eggs.

Nymtoc
03-20-2011, 11:29 PM
Granted. Now they lay Easter gumdrops. (At least I think they're gumdrops. They're kind of smelly.)

I wish to have no more pop-ups.

PorterStarrByrd
03-21-2011, 02:54 AM
Granted. Now they lay Easter gumdrops. (At least I think they're gumdrops. They're kind of smelly.)

I wish to have no more pop-ups.
Granted. You have no more pop-ups than you deserve


I ish I hadn't just lost the ' ' on my ne keyboard. I had to get that because I lost the 'x' on my old one.

Drachen Jager
03-21-2011, 03:06 AM
Granted. Since the 'E' looks the most similar I have taken the liberty of turning it ninety degrees and putting it where 'W' used to be. And your well is turned out again.

I wish I had a chocolate cake.

PorterStarrByrd
03-21-2011, 03:33 AM
Granted. Since the 'E' looks the most similar I have taken the liberty of turning it ninety degrees and putting it where 'W' used to be. And your well is turned out again.

I wish I had a chocolate cake.


Due to a significant chance that you are using chocolate cake as a drug, union rules and state law forbid granting of this wish. Can't get one past me.

I wish I had my Dr Suess books here.

Nymtoc
03-21-2011, 03:34 AM
Granted. You have your Dr. Suess books, but someone left them out in the rain and all the print and pictures are gone. They make nice blank notebooks, though.

I wish I had a Super Bowl ring.

CDSinex
03-21-2011, 06:04 AM
Granted: The Genie arranges for you to meet a "gentleman" in a dark alley near the stadium. The "gentleman" was compelled by the Genie to sell you a genuine Super Bowl ring for $100. Wow! As you are leaving the alley the two of you arrested. Seems the police have been watching him since he stole the ring at the Genie's request. You are charged with grand larceny, receiving stolen goods, and conspiracy. Fortunately, you will be able to at least watch the game in your cell for the next ten years: if you behave.

I wish I could win Bruce Springsteen concert tickets on one of those radio call-in contests.

Drachen Jager
03-21-2011, 08:07 AM
Granted. There is a radio call-in contest, the first hundred people to call in can compete in a rochambeau tournament. Winner gets the tickets.

I wish I had IBM's Watson computer.

Nymtoc
03-21-2011, 08:45 AM
Granted. You have the Watson computer, but it is so much smarter than you are that you develop a severe inferiority complex. You grow depressed, stay in the house, stop eating and begin to waste away. You are near death from starvation when you gather enough strength to crawl to your old Wang computer and summon help. Six months later, when you are released from the hospital, you send Watson back to IBM.

I wish I didn't keep making false starts on the book I'm writing and have to throw away hundreds of pages.

Mom'sWrite
03-21-2011, 08:57 AM
Granted. You invent a new genre of fiction called Non Sequitur Lit that catches on like wildfire with the 13-17 year-old, post-post-modernist, proto-outcast, werewolf gamers. Unfortunately, your massive popularity only lasts about 37 minutes or until someone changes the subject.

I wish I was finished with grad school already.

joanofanarchy
03-21-2011, 09:06 AM
Granted. Your program loses its accreditation.

I wish winter would last longer.

Drachen Jager
03-21-2011, 09:16 AM
Granted. Russia and the US decide they're through being cautiously friendly, escalate the cold war to new levels and nuke the hell out of eachother. Nuclear winter keeps the world in a deep freeze for a hundred years. Unfortunately there are no people left to enjoy the radioactive snow.

I wish people could all just get along.

SJp
03-21-2011, 09:38 AM
Granted. The free lobotomy craze sweeps the nation.

I wish I were young again.

Nymtoc
03-21-2011, 10:09 AM
Granted. You are three days old.

I wish I owned a resort that attracted lots of rich and famous people.

Drachen Jager
03-21-2011, 08:41 PM
Granted. You are now the owner of the concept 'murder'. O.J. Simpson, Ted Bundy and Charlie Manson are some of your alumni.

I wish all my beta readers would do a faster, better job.

PorterStarrByrd
03-21-2011, 10:25 PM
Granted. You are now the owner of the concept 'murder'. O.J. Simpson, Ted Bundy and Charlie Manson are some of your alumni.

I wish all my beta readers would do a faster, better job.


Granted.. gladly

They have all tossed your book aside for more excitement working at McDonalds.


I wish the damned moon would take a night off.

PorterStarrByrd
03-21-2011, 10:27 PM
Granted. You are now the owner of the concept 'murder'. O.J. Simpson, Ted Bundy and Charlie Manson are some of your alumni.

I wish all my beta readers would do a faster, better job.

Granted .. gladly

They have all tossed your book aside for more excitement working fo McDonalds

I wish the damned moon would take a night off

Nymtoc
03-22-2011, 03:22 AM
Granted. You are out walking in the country when the moon takes a night off. You can't see anything and you fall into a lake and drown.

I wish I could invent something that would make me famous.

Drachen Jager
03-22-2011, 03:27 AM
Granted. You are known briefly as 2011's Darwin Award winner.

I wish I could turn invisible at will.

PorterStarrByrd
03-22-2011, 03:40 AM
Granted. You turn invisible and keep on turning. You bump into so many things as you stagger around in dizziness that invisbility isn't really all that effective. Turn Turn Turn


I wish the racoon would return my cat.

Nymtoc
03-22-2011, 10:54 PM
Granted. The raccoon returns what's left of your cat.

I wish all trivia would vanish from TV news shows.

Drachen Jager
03-23-2011, 12:05 AM
Granted. Now news anchors just sit there staring blankly at the camera for an hour. For some reason people still tune in.

I wish TV news shows would report on important events rather than celebrity gossip.

Nymtoc
03-23-2011, 12:29 AM
Granted. News shows report exclusively on the important events in the life of Drachen Jager instead of talking about people like Charlie Sheen. The news shows have to be careful, though, because if they keep this up, DJ may become a celebrity himself, although a very boring one.

I wish I had a fleet of starships to command.

PorterStarrByrd
03-23-2011, 12:37 AM
Granted. News shows report exclusively on the important events in the life of Drachen Jager instead of talking about people like Charlie Sheen. The news shows have to be careful, though, because if they keep this up, DJ may become a celebrity himself, although a very boring one.

I wish I had a fleet of starships to command.


Granted .. you should have also asked for a means to communicate with them. They are getting mighty tired of your silence. Have you ever heard the word 'mutiny"?

I wish roses didn't have thorns

Nymtoc
03-23-2011, 07:32 AM
Granted. Roses--your roses, anyway--don't have thorns. They also don't have blossoms.

I wish I had an important-sounding title in front of my name.

Drachen Jager
03-23-2011, 07:42 AM
Granted. Most Exalted Poopsmith Nymtoc.

I wish I had a PhD in something.