View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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06-17-2010, 06:16 AM
I wish komnena had made a wish. . .

06-18-2010, 05:37 PM
Granted. I wish I was smarter.

06-18-2010, 08:19 PM
Granted. You are now smarter. Unfortunately, it is your sunburned shoulders that smart.

I wish the sun would shine at least once this summer. (I live in the Pacific Northwest.)

06-18-2010, 08:42 PM

The sun will shine--where you live--on July 13th between 2:09 and 2:10 p.m. The rest of the summer the sky will be dark.

I wish referees would stop making mistakes. (Today, a referee's appallingly bad call cost the USA a win over Slovenia in the World Cup. :rant:)

06-18-2010, 09:03 PM
Granted. now referees are prescise to the point of OCD, not only hitting the players with long forgotten and out of date rules, but scolding the fans as well. Soon the referees gather and create a secret organisation that enforces all laws in every country until all kneel before their militant reign of terror. Surely, we are doomed.

I wish I had pancakes.

06-19-2010, 02:01 AM
Granted. Your pancakes are made with sour milk and flour infested with fire ants. You are out of butter and someone has secretly drained out your bottle of maple syrup and filled it with cough syrup. You have these pancakes, but nothing else and you will have to eat sometime... muahahaha

I wish I had an apartment with cheap rent and paid utilities!

06-19-2010, 02:42 AM

It is only one room (hope that's okay), but all utilities are paid, and the rent is free!

Your new address: Building 3, Section 5, Tier 2, Cell #68530 in the State Penitentiary.


I wish I could write a book that would be adapted as a film and a TV series.

06-19-2010, 09:44 AM
Granted. You have been commissioned to write a book entitled Every Last Detail About Sarah. It's really more of an encyclopedia than a book because you must research and document everything that has ever been said or written about Sarah Palin. (Be sure to use correct MLA style for the documentation.)

Oh wait...the producers just called and said you must document only POSITIVE things. They are also giving you a nice room to work in where Sarah's speeches will run on a continuous loop. And all profits from the book will go to the Palin for President organization. (It's a Nymtoc thang.)

I wish Leonard Cohen would come to my house and sing all his hits.

06-21-2010, 01:39 AM
Granted: Leonard Cohen goes to your house and sings all of his hits, unfortunately you were away at the time.

I wish I could get a new hobby.

06-21-2010, 02:14 AM

A hobby kit is waiting at your home, along with a hundred live specimens and an instructional booklet titled Earthworm Dissection.

I wish I could win a gold medal at the Olympics.

06-21-2010, 08:50 AM

Though lacking grace, you bring style and humor never seen before in rhythmic gymnastics.

I wish the world was made of rubber.

06-21-2010, 08:57 AM
Granted. Now nobody can use the old adage "I'm rubber, you're glue". Oh, also the end of all life as we know it. But mostly the "I'm rubber, you're glue" thing.

I wish life was easier.

06-21-2010, 09:51 AM
Granted. But now you have to make life easier for everyone on the planet. That'll be a hard task.

I wish for a new car.

06-21-2010, 11:58 AM

But it's one of them new fangled pet-cars that get to choose their owners if mistreated. A bit too much choco in the gas tank has your car wandering the streets looking for love in all the wrong places.

I wish I could convert seconds to evil minions. (Control time and rule the world at the same time? Mehbe?)

06-22-2010, 05:24 AM
Granted. You are now King of Groundhog Day. However, this means you must now relive the same day repeatedly, no matter how bored you get.
I wish I had ten pairs of walking socks.

06-22-2010, 06:15 AM
Granted. You have ten pairs of walking socks, but they keep getting mixed up and you don't know what goes with what. :)

I wish it would stop raining.

06-22-2010, 08:13 AM

It did the rain is now falling skyward. They call it "niar" and everyone is blaming "ocohc ydal".

I wish everytime I typed a word, a random word would appear in two other person's posts. (Just to add to the general confusion.)

06-22-2010, 11:37 PM
Granted. Now every time billboard you type frog a word, a random latrine word will yeast indeed appear punching in two other - Hey what's squat going on aplomb here? Oh, for kitty Christ cake sake! What are forsooth the chances pickle?

I wish I could play soccer (yes I'm American) at World Cup level.

06-23-2010, 02:14 PM

You are able to play soccer at the same level as members of the French team, who refused to practice, disgraced themselves in several ways and flew home last night after losing to South Africa in a game so dismal that their own fans began cheering for the other team.

I wish I were better at math.

06-23-2010, 07:11 PM
Granted. You've turned into a claculator and now have people pressing your buttons all the time.

I wish summer courses weren't so ruthless.

06-25-2010, 05:57 AM
Granted. Every summer course you take now has at least five Ruths in it.

I wish I had a model of the Godolphin Arabian.

06-25-2010, 06:14 PM

It is an ice sculpture, and today will be the hottest day of the year.

I wish Hollywood would make a movie based on my life.

06-26-2010, 05:16 AM
Granted. It is the year's big flop and you never get another job involved with movies.

I wish I owned stock in Microsoft.

06-26-2010, 05:54 AM
Do. . . do I really need to go in how that would obviously go bad?

Aliens. Aliens, seeing your market savvy endeavours, come to Earth to kidnap you. You are put on stage on the alien homeworld as an attraction that can predict the rise and fall of stocks. Soon the alien MIB equivalent show up and lock you in an alien equivalent area 51 warehouse.

I wish I wasn't a waste of space.

06-26-2010, 06:44 AM
Granted. You are now the most important person in the world, so important in fact, that you have to stand in the very center of the world to make sure it doesn't spin off its axis.

I wish I had a lifetime supply of steak.

06-26-2010, 07:41 AM

You have so much steak that you have been forced to rent a huge warehouse to hold it all. Unfortunately, the warehouse is not refrigerated. You know what that means. :ROFL:

I wish I had the powers of Nostradamus.

06-27-2010, 01:24 AM
Nymtoc was first by an hour, so...

Granted. You now have the powers of Nostradamus, but sadly, you also have the curse of Cassandra. Your predictions are clear, concise, and accurate, unfortunately, no one believes you.

Not to get on RevisionIsTheKey's bad side, ....

Granted. you now "write poems like Billy Collins", the 1910 Boston Doves outfielder. Why would anyone wish that?

I wish this thread didn't bring out the worst in me.

06-27-2010, 02:58 AM
Granted. It's been bringing out the best in you all along. (Which is kind of sad considering your posts...)

I wish my dog would stop barking at every other dog in the neighborhood.

06-28-2010, 12:52 AM
Granted: Your dog now barks at every third dog in the neighborhood, only now twice as loud, and three times as long.

I wish my neighbor would clean up his yard, without throwing everything in mine.

06-28-2010, 06:25 AM
easy squeezy-- your neighbor now cleans your yard, throws everything into his pick up truck and heads off to the local swap meet. something like this happened to me once. don't bother calling the police.

i wish that vladimer and estragon would get their asses off my porch swing. i don't know who the hell they are waiting for but i wish he would come already!--s6

06-28-2010, 06:59 AM
Granted. They have been waiting for a ne'er-do-well named GoDotCom, who fleeced them during the technology boom a while back. He's not coming back, but Nymtoc said he would lure them off your porch swing with a deal about a bridge he'd like to sell in the NYC area.

I wish I were not addicted to true crime shows on TV.

06-28-2010, 08:42 AM

You are no longer addicted to true crime shows. Now you are addicted to infomercials where some fast-talking pitchman is trying to sell you everything from kitchen gadgets to colonic irrigation.

I wish I had a free pass to all the Broadway theaters.

06-28-2010, 12:13 PM
Granted. You now have the title of "official Broadway toilet cleaner." They don't let you watch any shows, though.

I wish I could travel across the world.

06-28-2010, 06:35 PM
well there you are, you are a energized particle traveling around the world in a huge touring bus called the van allen radiation belt. if i had paid more attention in physics class i might be able to tell you why you can never land on earth again. as is-- you will just have to consider yourself a sort of radioacive flying dutchman.

i wish the grass hoppers in my garden would go to hell

06-29-2010, 12:43 AM
Granted. They went to hell and came back with reinforcements.

I wish the birds that came to my feeder would poop somewhere other than my balcony.

06-29-2010, 01:39 AM
Granted. they poop all over your windows. How did they m,anage that? Nobody knows.

I wish I had icecream.

06-29-2010, 02:53 AM

You have ice cream everywhere--in your refrigerator, in your freezer, even in your garage, surrounded by dry ice. It is homemade, and it is delicious.

Please read the following, from videojug.com:

"Ice cream is deadly...[One] way ice cream can be fatal, is that a homemade ice cream contains a high amount of salmonella....There are over thirty deaths a year from home made ice cream...."



I wish I had a Rolls-Royce.

06-29-2010, 04:40 AM
Granted. Then you saw a neighbor with a Mercedes and you had to buy that and each time you saw someone with another expensive car you had to buy that, etc. Soon, no money in the bank, but lots of cars.

I wish I had a diamond necklace.

06-29-2010, 04:50 AM
my name is shannon, not royce, but here are your rolls: 1 for your panty line, 2 for your chin and 3 for your tummy-tum-tum.

i wish i had a mercedes benz (oh lawd)

06-29-2010, 04:57 AM
ooops too late. diamond necklace? i'm kind of a feeble, cheap assed old genie trying to make ends meet on a pension and i can't always come up with the glitz and bling. so i'm granting you a bag of coal nuggets and the strength of superman in one arm. sose you can squeeze out the diamonds one by one. like superman did when he replaced the idol's eye in that tv program from 1958. that way we spare the poor third world bastards who have to risk their lives daily in substandard diamond mines. and squeezing your own diamonds has to be an accomplishment you can brag up. feeling great or what, suse?

i wish i was a spunky gal reporter like lois lane

06-29-2010, 05:27 AM
Granted. You are constantly walking into dangerous situations and suffering the consequences. Next time don't forget to wish for Superman as a friend too.

I wish I had a sugar free cheesecake.

06-30-2010, 01:16 AM
Granted: The genie brings you a headcheese cake with an interesting under crust made from Saltines. It's absolutely sugar free, enjoy.

I wish I weren't so busy this week.

06-30-2010, 01:47 AM
Granted: you don'tt have anyhting to do because you're dead. Have fun sitting in a coffin all day long, doing nothing but contemplating on how you're doing nothing.

I wish I had something to do (that doesn't involve homework).

06-30-2010, 02:55 AM

Your neighbor has just painted his house. He is willing to pay you 5 cents an hour to watch the paint dry.

I wish I had a dollar for every piece of my writing that didn't sell.

06-30-2010, 07:59 AM
even better! i'm granting you an agent who will take 40 cents out of every one of those dollars!

i wish that i had a dollar for every song i've sung while people sat there drunk--no wait, that's fogarty, not shakey. i wish i could get all the old rock lyrics out of my mind before senility locks them in for good!--s6

06-30-2010, 12:04 PM
Granted: The genie removes all of the rock lyrics from your head and replaces them with actual rocks. There is a bright side to it, though. From now on whenever someone says you have rocks in your head it will be a mere observation, not an insult.

I wish there was something good on TV.

06-30-2010, 09:42 PM
Granted. A very good nun is going to sit on your TV and read to you from the Good Book 24/7 until you turn your life around.

I wish CDSinex's name did not remind me of sinus medication every time I saw it.

06-30-2010, 10:41 PM

From now on, the "i" and "n" will be deleted from his name. How does that grab ya?

I wish RevisionIsTheKey did not have such a long name.

06-30-2010, 11:23 PM
Granted she now goes by a symbol. An ice cream cone with an R stamped on it and a pencil with an eraser jammed into the ice cream (you know the flavor.) But since this symbol does not appear on most keyboards you now have to refer to her as The Writer Formerly Known as RevisionIsTheKey.

I wish I could make a good cup of coffee.

07-01-2010, 12:45 AM
From now on, the "i" and "n" will be deleted from his name. How does that grab ya?

The Writer Formerly Known as RevisionIsTheKey wishes you would not use "grab ya" in this context.

07-01-2010, 12:53 AM
I wish I could make a good cup of coffee.

Granted. You served a cup to your boss and he dropped it in his lap, which resulted in his hospitalization for the worst burns the doctor had ever seen. You were fired and you had to slink out of the office with nothing but your "I'm good enough, smart enough, and people like me" mug.

I wish I knew what Nymtoc meant. It's not in any of my dictionaries.

07-01-2010, 12:57 AM

You already know what Nymtoc meant. You don't need no stinkin' dictionaries.


I wish I were immune to insect bites.

07-01-2010, 01:07 AM

You already know what Nymtoc meant. You don't need no stinkin' dictionaries.


New York Mendicant Twitching On Crack? :Shrug:

07-01-2010, 01:14 AM
I wish I were immune to insect bites.

Granted. The doctor gave you a lotion that masks the human smell that attracts biting insects. Unfortunately, the lotion smells so bad that even the guys sleeping in the cardboard box next to yours have asked you to move because you are lowering the property values in the neighborhood.

I wish it would only rain at night.

07-01-2010, 09:24 AM

And in your new job, you sleep all day and work all night--during constant downpours--as a street cleaner.

I wish stupid people would be banned from running for political office.

07-01-2010, 09:26 AM
Granted. They're allowed into office without any sort of screening process whatsoever save that to determine the level of their stupidity (here's a hint, the higher the IQ, the less the chance of getting in).

I wish I had soda.

07-01-2010, 10:13 AM
You know everybody always comes to me with these ridiculous, selfish requests: I want my life to be this way , I want the world to be this way, and all you want is a soda? You know what, you've changed my opinion, my whole outlook on the mortal, human race and I would be happy, nay, honored to grant you a soda, no catches, no strings attached. (meanwhile, behind back - shake, shake, shake, shake, shake)

I wish I could guest star on Law and Order SVU.

07-01-2010, 10:25 AM
Granted. Your naked, eviscerated corpse is what kicks up that episode's plot.
(It's what you get, soda shaker!)

I wish for another soda.

07-02-2010, 06:33 AM
Granted. But the genie has noticed all your wishes involve junk food and therefore, for your own good, has made only vegetables available for your meals (and snacks) from here on. You should be smelling those delicious Brussel sprouts right about now.

I wish I could get the ten or twelve boxes family photos organized into scrapbooks.

07-02-2010, 07:44 AM

The photos fill ten scrapbooks, and you are so pleased with the result that you show them to everyone, including the FBI man who lives next door. Unfortunately, in the background of one photo are some strangers who turn out to be members of a Russian spy ring. You are arrested and charged with espionage.

I wish my book didn't keep going off in the wrong direction.

07-02-2010, 10:17 AM
Granted. It's now going in the right direction, but it's walking backwards.

I wish Whose Line was still airing new episodes.

07-02-2010, 05:35 PM
granted. but the new episodes will be hosted by bill curtis and the title will now be "whose crime is it, anyway?"

i wish that i could host a true crime show

07-02-2010, 11:27 PM
Granted. But the new show will compete with Dateline, so the producers want you to get a makeover to look just like Keith Morrison. Ohhhh, why the long face?

I wish I weren't such a procrastinator.

07-03-2010, 12:32 AM
Granted. the reason? Time itself has decided to procrastinate the rest of eternity and has stopped. You can no longer procrastinate because you're trapped forever in one second of time.

I wish I didn't have to type all my paperwork.

07-03-2010, 12:47 AM
Granted. I do some of yours, but you then have to type up every member's novel on AW, starting from.... Now.

I wish England would learn how to play football.

07-03-2010, 04:03 AM
Granted. With a wave of a wand they play football, albeit poorly.

I wish the sun would show itself.

07-03-2010, 04:07 AM
Granted. Here's a bus ticket to the south. The sun has been showing itself plenty here.

I wish it would cool down.

07-03-2010, 04:46 AM
you want cool? here are my grand daughters, ages 8 &5, with the garden hose. they shoot you in the butt every time you bend over to snag a weed from your garden! welcome to shakey's summer!

i wish i could remember to say "gol dern it, you little whippersnappers!" instead of what i really do say when they squirt me

07-03-2010, 11:23 AM
Granted, but that'sbecause you can no longer say anything BUT gol dern it, whippersnappers. You basically talk like a pokemon, constantly saying the same thing over and over until everyone around you is slowly driven mad, yourself included.

I wish I didn't need to sleep.

07-04-2010, 01:36 AM
Granted: Henceforth you are a speed freak, and spend both days and nights on crank. Your WIP is quickly approaching 400,000 words. Congratulations!

I wish I could fine better ways to spend my time.

07-04-2010, 01:50 AM
Granted. But then you would be so busy you'd forget all about your couch potato friends and they'd go to 'pot.'

I wish I could go to a casino and gamble a little.

07-04-2010, 03:54 AM
Granted. You visit the Casino de Sustantivo in Mexico City...
And you ask for a glass of water.

I wish I could get my butt out of bed earlier.

07-04-2010, 04:07 AM
Granted. I will install the Acme Sure-Fire Wake Up device on your bed (available at fine stores everywhere). Your butt will definitely hit the floor when the alarm goes off. I hope you don't bruise easily.

I wish someone would grill some huge steaks tomorrow (along with baked potatoes) and invite me over to eat with them.

07-04-2010, 04:11 AM
Granted! Huge tofu steaks are marinating as we speak and I'm stuffing eh potatoes full of onions and garlic before grilling. And don't forget the kidney bean salad with those canned fried onions or the tomato cheesecake for dessert. :D

I wish I could figure out how to make this scene work.

07-04-2010, 05:04 AM
Granted. After hours of extensive research, you decide to let the scene go freerange as you put it out to stud and breed newer, smaller, even harder to do scenes.

I wish my computer wasn't slow.

07-04-2010, 06:41 PM
your computer is fast. it deckes itself out in chrome yellow text and dresses in sleazy, gaudy screensavers without a command fdrom you. worse, it stays up late to hook up with other, faster computers while you doze in your steno chair. of course it picks up an unsavory virus. one that can not be cured even in das.

i wish that i had a snappy 4th of july recipe for all the eggplant in my garden

07-05-2010, 12:06 AM
Granted. Here's one that can't miss.

lawn clippings
straw (or hay)
fruit & vegetable scraps
coffee grounds
wood ash
tea leaves
chicken manure
lime (this will give it that "snappiness")

Combine ingredients into a pile, making a series of layers, alternating the dry ingredients and the moist ingredients. Lightly wet the pile occasionally and cover. Turn the pile every few weeks with a pitchfork for aeration. In a relatively short time you will have a snappy compost for all of your eggplant to enjoy.

I wish I had a big pan of eggplant parmesan.

07-05-2010, 11:09 PM

It falls out of the sky and hits you on the head. Cast iron, no less.

I wish it wasn't so hot

07-05-2010, 11:37 PM
Granted. Welcome to the iceage.

I wish the house was clean without any input from my side.

07-06-2010, 12:13 AM

The ice age glaciers melt, washing through your house (yet miraculously leaving your walls intact). Everything is wiped clean. *Everything* You have a pristine home. it's also empty, and slightly damp.

I wish I had more beer than I have. :e2drunk:

07-06-2010, 01:17 AM
well, you are in luck! here is an entire case of falstaff! free of charge! i stashed it in the attic of my parent's garage sometime in my pre-legal drinking years and forgot all about it. it came to light a couple of years ago when we were cleaning out the garage and has been used as a doorstop ever since. but it is all years. since i turned 21 in 1971, after drinking this you will never feel like you don't have enough beer again!

i wish i had a sorcerer's stone that would turn old milwaukee into dos equis amber

07-06-2010, 10:38 PM
Granted. You tie the stone around a horse's neck, give the horse the old Milwaukee and eventually you will have Dos Equis Amber.
I wish I had an unlimited supply of walking shoes and athletic socks.

07-06-2010, 11:02 PM

Since your house now overflows with walking shoes and athletic socks, you are forced to live in the barn.

I wish it were not so hot today.

07-06-2010, 11:27 PM

.... You know what? I'm just granting this one. Your friendly neighborhood djinn here is *sweltering* and Arabian nights be damned, I don't like the heat.

*retreats into the A/C climate-controlled lamp until further notice*

I wish I wasn't out of iced coffee.

07-07-2010, 05:28 AM
Granted. The coffee plant next door has an accident and iced coffee floods your neighborhood.

I wish I were in Antarctica now.

07-07-2010, 07:17 AM
Granted, you're now in Antartica.

. . . Really, I can't think of anything worse than actually being in Antartica. It's like the last level of hell in Dante's inferno, without the plus side of getting to watch Satan sitting next to you suffering as well.

I wish I had more imagination.

07-07-2010, 08:07 AM
Granted: Your computer falls from a 10th floor window. You look down and observe it hurling toward the earth at 32 ft/s². Is that fast enough?

I wish I could think of something to wish for.

07-07-2010, 08:38 AM
Granted. Your wish is: I wish I hadn't granted a wish from page 283 when everyone else was on page 284. :)

I wish my nail polish would stay on longer than one day.

07-07-2010, 08:40 AM
Granted, you're now in Antartica.

. . . Really, I can't think of anything worse than actually being in Antartica. It's like the last level of hell in Dante's inferno, without the plus side of getting to watch Satan sitting next to you suffering as well.

I wish I had more imagination.

CDSinex's post kind of messed up your wish, Zeph, but the genie does not feel bad about it because your posts show you have LOTS of imagination. Let's not be greedy now. :)

07-07-2010, 05:32 PM

Your nail polish *never* comes off. EVER. .... Probably should have waited until you had a color other than puce on them, but, you know, this is what happens when you don't specify.

I wish I didn't have to go anywhere today.

07-08-2010, 06:59 AM
Granted. A crazed bear besieges you in your house in the remote woods after knocking down the nearby cell phone tower.
I wish I could ride on the Delta Queen.

07-08-2010, 07:11 AM
Granted. A Meteor strikes the moment you're there and it's all blown to smithereens. Fnnily enough, there were no casualties, but everyone's day was ruined anyways.

I wish I had tiny, living animals made of silver and iron. They'd be smaller than my palm, and proportional to eachother (monkeys smaller than elephants, etc.) and they'd run around the floor in my room looking awesome.

07-08-2010, 07:25 AM

until you step on one, accidentally killing it. The rest... well, they don't take it lying down. Though that is how they take you one night, in the dark. With little metal teeth and claws.

I wish I had a partner in crime

07-08-2010, 08:02 AM
Granted. Your partner is a three-toed sloth, whose slow movement gets you both caught on your next jewel heist. The sloth gets sent to the zoo, where it happily founds a new family and teaches the other animals how to get out of their cages at night and party. You are forced to work off your debt to society training bats to replace submarine sonar.

I wish I could find my passport.

07-08-2010, 07:32 PM
no problem. my neighbors rigoberta and soccorro can turn out a semi-professional looking passport for a pittance. you'll just have to meet them at the local walmart. i know it's kind of a public setting for a felony but eliminating the overhead really helps them keep prices down. i'll gladly pay the 15$.

i wish that i could squeeze in a short trip to taos this summer

07-08-2010, 08:56 PM
ShaZam! Your wish is granted...
You now have a ticket to Tao for a short trip this summer!
Unfortunately, it's a bus ticket, and the only time you'll have in Taos is a 30 minute lunch stop. Then it's back home for you.

I wish I had the Midas touch.

07-08-2010, 09:02 PM
Granted. Midas touches you every second of every day for the rest of your life. Too bad he's eating at the same time and starting to resemble Jabba the Hut. (sp)

I wish I were Johnny Depp's pajamas!

07-08-2010, 09:23 PM
Here you go.


You didn't say what age. I hope this is okay. They're a little damp.

I wish I had the rest of the year off (with pay . . . and benefits).

07-09-2010, 05:58 AM
Granted. However, you must take your vacation solely in Death Valley.

I wish I had shade-loving perennials for the backyard.

07-09-2010, 01:51 PM
Here you go.


Please keep pets and small children away from the plant.

I wish the weekend was three days long.

07-09-2010, 05:37 PM

You get called in to work it.

I wish I had more patience.

07-09-2010, 06:01 PM
I wish I had more patience.

Granted. You are so patient, that sitting for hours watching paint dry makes you absolutely euphoric. Unfortunately, your new-found patience makes you so boring that everyone stays away from you. However when it's soon discovered that you are the world's best cure for insomnia, you make a fortune putting people to sleep.

I wish I could fly.

07-09-2010, 06:08 PM
you can! just like peter pan! too bad you can only do it in green tights, a body sheathing tunic with fringe, a perky little peaked cap with a red feather and a trail of sparkling pixie dust. flying will be great but landing might be problematic in that get up.

i wish i could be a hermit like thoreau at walden pond but i live in an arrid grassland

07-09-2010, 06:34 PM
i wish i could be a hermit like thoreau at walden pond but i live in an arrid grassland

Granted. You live an idyllic existence at Walden pond. But it lasts a short time. Word gets out about your natural paradise, and before you know it land developers move in, cut down trees and put up condos, McDonald's builds a restaurant at the edge of every stream, and Donald Trump erects casinos as far as the eye can see. You are so disheartened that you happily leave and move back to your arid grassland.

I wish I had magical powers of healing.

07-10-2010, 06:40 AM
Granted. It only works on other people, and every wound you heal is inflicted upon yourself.

I wish my sister didn't fall asleep on my bed. ">.>

07-10-2010, 09:22 AM
*poooof* Your sister now sits wide awake on your bed... talking, laughing, giggling, and chattering endlessly - and you, I'm so sorry, will never be able to sleep.

I wish I could wish a wish. (Walk around repeating that out loud and people will leave you alone.)

07-11-2010, 12:36 AM
Granted, but you now live in a world where everyone has want they wany anyway so wishes become outlawed.

I wish my hubby would not mention he saw David Essex in public.

07-11-2010, 12:44 AM
okay, so now he tells everyone he saw david essex in pubic

i wish that i had a dream lover

07-11-2010, 05:28 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you only get to be with him in nightmares.
I wish I had my clothes all sorted.

07-11-2010, 05:32 AM
Granted, but then your neighbors come over and go through them because your clothes are so beautiful they must have them.

I wish I could eat chocolate without gaining weight.

07-11-2010, 07:25 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, everything else edible in the world now makes you gain triple the weight, including drinks other than water.

I wish I had a job.

07-11-2010, 08:19 AM
no problem--you can have my job! you grade the papers, chat with irate parents and keep the hooligans in line. i'll keep the paycheck.

i wish that spanish verb conjugations would become the new high school tattoo fad

07-15-2010, 08:24 PM
You got it, ShakeySix... However, those wild and crazy high schoolers got a little out of control, tied you down, and permanently tatooed "Amo, Amas, Ama, Amamos, Amais, Aman" across your forehead.

*sigh... I wish I could be Superman making passionate love to Superwoman while orbiting earth at 1,000 mph.

07-16-2010, 02:27 AM
Granted. However you get distracted and forget to watch out for space junk. Aliens also are watching and sell the DVD to a tabloid.

I wish I knew who won the fifth race at Hollywood Park today.

07-16-2010, 06:05 AM
:e2point: "space junk"

Ahem... Sorry.

07-16-2010, 10:06 AM
I wish Nightfly had made a wish.

I also wish someone had told me before I embarrassed myself that you do not capitalize the S in said, even if the previous quotation ended in a period/question mark/exclamation mark.


07-16-2010, 10:22 AM
Granted. Someone told you, but you accidentally did it anyway. Just a typo, poor thing.

I wish I had a unicorn.

07-16-2010, 05:47 PM
whoa--wish granted--one medieval unicorn is being shipped to your house. you did not specify a color so we are shipping standard white wth golden horn. you can feed it baled alfalfa--you can pick up a couple of bales for under 20$ at the Iuka, Ks. Co Op. it will sleep with it's head in your lap, so you might want to invest in our specially designed padded horn-protection device--only 100$ mail order. one thing to remember--this beast is only tame for virgins. he will stomp to death any non-virgin who approaches him. so keep your knees together--for the rest of your life--s6

i wish i had a gryphon

07-17-2010, 12:21 AM
YAY! I am a virgin! *wibbles and flails with excitement*

Granted! Your gryphon guards all of your valuables - money, jewlery, etc - and won't let anyone touch them. It also hoards more treasure over time. You also have to be the gryphon's mate for life or it will cry and eat you. Up side is the gryphon is a great lover. I think.

I wish my dog could open doors.

07-17-2010, 02:22 AM
Granted. He now opens all the doors all the time. You come home to find your place ransacked and your TV gone.

I wish my fingernails were longer.

07-17-2010, 02:46 AM
Granted. Your fingernails grow a foot long overnight, and are brittle and snap off. Now you have long fingernails, just not on your fingers. D:

I wish my dog would let me trim her toenails.

07-17-2010, 12:53 PM
Granted, but then your dog has to do yours and, worringly, he's looking at the chainsaw

I wish my 17yr old lad would stop my plantpots for goalposts...

07-17-2010, 07:59 PM

They're now being used as substitutes for the ball.

I wish I had a place to bury the bodies without making a two hour drive.

.... just saying.


07-17-2010, 08:17 PM

You have plenty of room in the crawl space under your house. Why should you be different from any other serial killer?

I wish I could go on Jeopardy and win $100,000.

07-17-2010, 09:21 PM

Unfortunately, your bookie, Sharky, happens to be a Jeoparday fan and watches the show, seeing you win just enough to cover what you owe plus the vig. Needless to say, it's your money or your kneecaps.

Actually, it's your money, either way, just depends on whether Sharky's feeling generous about your knees.


I wish I could convince my 6 yr old that she can't do two things at once.

07-17-2010, 10:17 PM

unfortunately she now does six things at once and one includes a drum, and it's just when dad needs to get some kip.

I wish I'd stop making stupid mistakes with publishing my fiction

07-18-2010, 01:43 AM

Now you just make stupid mistakes in your fiction. For publishing, they are now COLOSSAL mistakes.

I wish there was peace in our time. Or at least for an evening in my house.

07-18-2010, 06:51 AM
Granted. It's because you're all asleep. Tomorrow, you will wake up and things will be even worse.

I wish I could write non-crapilly. X.<

07-18-2010, 07:11 AM

You take a page from the monkeys and use your own... output... as the new medium by which you express yourself. It's still crap, but it's not writing. Your writing, as a result, flourishes.... with the crayons they allow you to have in the looney bin they send you to after you keep insisting on showing everyone your new "art."

I wish I had a footrest.

07-18-2010, 08:10 AM
Granted. It turns out to be a small Italian man named Roger who's quite upset at the fact that you kidnapped him and put your feet on his back. He leaves after wrecking up your house, slashing your car's tires on the way out.

I wish the Linkara video I'm watching would stop buffering and play already.

07-18-2010, 08:27 AM
Granted. The Linkara video loads completely and plays in one second, at high speed. You miss out on what it was about and it won't play again.

I wish this story would write itself!

07-18-2010, 06:51 PM
it did! here it is--a complete novel in manuscript. unfortunately your story is as underachieving as you are. it has plagiarized huge chunks of "to the lighthouse", "don quixote" and "beowulf" --synthesizing the whole mess into a story about a family of half breed trolls on a fishing trip to joust with a cornish lighthouse. what did you expect? your story is only a freshman.

i wish i could pipe chloroform into my classroom so i didn't have to take the time and trouble to lecture my students to sleep

07-18-2010, 11:05 PM

but you have to deal with all their whiny complaints about the headaches that ensue.

I wish I had a micro-fridge up here....

07-18-2010, 11:12 PM
Here you go.


It's solar powered, so that should save you some money.

I wish we could start this weekend all over again.

07-18-2010, 11:16 PM

That's a fridge??

... actually, solar-powered wouldn't be a problem up here....

But I digress.


It is now Saturday, bright and early. Your house is on fire, your car's transmission has just blown out, and your eldest child has been arrested for solicitation. Have a nice weekend.

I wish my cup would runneth over... or at least to the brim. "Over" might be a bit much.

07-19-2010, 02:37 AM
aha--here you are--two double F cups. let's hope you are female and have a back brace.

i wish i had employed a brassiere more often in my hippie youth

07-19-2010, 03:33 AM
Granted, but you were in a freak chemical explosion on the way to the brassiere store, not it's melded with your chest forever and all eternity.

I wish stars actually granted wishes instead of just sitting up there in their big, stupid sky all the time. GET A JOB, YOU HIPPIES!

07-19-2010, 03:35 AM
Granted. A star shows up on your doorstep to grant your wish, but it's so hot it vaporizes you instead. Whoops.

I wish my dog was well behaved.

07-19-2010, 06:00 AM
Granted (by the djinn who is most definitely not female, nor possessing of a back brace)

Your dog is now a saint. Literally, three miracles and all. The result media frenzy does far more damage to your home and causes you far more embarrassment than the dog ever did.

I wish I had ice cubes

07-19-2010, 06:48 AM
Granted. However, they are in your pants.

I wish my skin would stop being itchy.

07-19-2010, 07:01 AM
Granted. You magically find anti-itch cream in your hand.

I wish I had a better internet connection.

07-19-2010, 07:20 AM
Granted. Your internet connection is great, however the internet itself has stopped existing. You now have high speed connection into a plane of nonexistance. When you log in, you are sucked into the 'nth dimension indefinitely. Congratualtions for entering a world divided by zero.

I wish I could type faster.

07-19-2010, 07:29 AM

as the speed of your typing increases, the accuracy of your spelling decreases. Exponentially so. You overload your software's spellchecker in about five minutes.

I wish it wouldn't rain in the windows....

07-19-2010, 08:08 AM
Granted. It rains in the doors instead.

I wish my story telling skills were like, BAM.

07-19-2010, 08:17 AM
granted. Every piece of writing you do explodes.

I wish my tummy didn't hurt.

07-20-2010, 08:47 PM
Hey, lucky you...! Your tummy no longer hurts, not even one little bit! The pain has moved lower, however. Much lower.

I wish my spouse would find a really high paying job.

07-21-2010, 05:21 AM
Granted. Your spouse is now Donald Trump. The Trump hair turns out to be covering a giant zit.

I wish I knew how to drive.

07-21-2010, 05:29 AM

You know how to drive. The first time you take the car out--the big, expensive car--you run into a tree. You escape unharmed, but the car is totaled.

I wish people didn't misunderestimate me.

07-21-2010, 05:34 AM
Granted. People estimate you just right, but you suddenly operate under your full capacity by 200%, making them overestimate you. No chance in foiling any villains.

I wish I hadn't broken my tooth.

07-21-2010, 07:35 PM

You broke your collarbone instead. Trust me, you'll be wishing for the tooth again soon.

I wish I had some cookies

07-21-2010, 07:56 PM

You have all the cookies you could ever want, but they're all seven months old and completely stale. Some can be used as paving stones.

I wish there were four extra hours in the day.

07-21-2010, 08:08 PM
okay--you have 4 extra hours in every day, but you and i both know that you are going to spend them pegged to the couch watching ancient aliens, the golden girls and law & order reruns while munching rice krispy treats.

i wish i could have a giant rice krispy treat sose i wouldn't have to keep making them

07-21-2010, 08:15 PM
Granted! You have a rice kripsy treat so big that you make your house out of it. Neighbors and kids keep eating chunks of your house. Eventually you start using your delicious house to lure the pesky children inside, fatten them up, and then cook them into a nice stew.

I wish I was totally super smart at math.

07-22-2010, 07:17 AM
ShaZAMM...! Wow... you are now SUPER smart at all things math. At everything else... dumber than a bag of hammers.

I wish I could save the world.

07-22-2010, 08:57 AM
Granted! You now have a chance to save the world from a killer zombie plague. You're also fairly skilled with bioengineering but WHERE IS YOUR LAB?

I wish I knew how to read.

07-22-2010, 03:34 PM

You can read Gaagudju, an extinct language formerly spoken in northern Australia.

I wish I could determine how hot it's going to be today.

07-22-2010, 05:35 PM
great news! the digital temp. display on our local bank short circuited yesterday. it was blinking 107* over and over until the president had to unplug it. now the citizens of st. john ks. have no idea of the exact temp. all we know is it is damn hot. the bank is willing to pay top wages (for the area) to a human temp. gauge.

you, nymmie, have been hired at the grand salary of 7.85 an hour. allz you gotta do is stand in front of the bank in your speedo and break eggs on the sidewalk. when one fries you will get a free mug of beer from Ignacio's--the bar down the street. oh--and you need to come up with witty rejoinders to the citizenry's "hot enough for ya?" --s6 ps-- speedo--wit and free beer--looks like you have stumbled on the job of a lifetime. wait until winter!

i wish it would hail just enough to finish off my cheap vinyl siding for insurance purposes

07-22-2010, 10:08 PM
Granted. One freakish cat-sized piece of hail destroys your vinyl siding. Turns out it's actually a frozen cat.

I wish I had extra toppings to put on my tuna sammich, like lettuce and tomatoes.

07-23-2010, 05:00 AM
how about a frozen cat?

i wish tuna and noodles were expunged from my school cafeteria menu

07-23-2010, 06:21 AM
Granted. They are replaced by haggis and zucchini, of which your neighbors have planted sixty hills in their backyards.
I wish I knew where the Lost Dutchman is.

07-23-2010, 06:24 AM
Granted. You now know exactly where it is, billions of light years out in deep space. Right next to all of those socks that keep going missing.

I wish I had a giant ball of delicious cheese.

07-23-2010, 06:27 AM
Granted. It's the moon and all you have to do is hijack the shuttle and fly there.

I wish I could meet Neil Armstrong.

07-23-2010, 06:30 AM
Granted. you and I are going out to meet him at his moon house and bring me back some sweet, sweet moon cheese.

I wish I had someone deserving of being pelted with cheese.

07-23-2010, 06:52 AM
Everyone has someone in their circle of friends who deserves to be pelted with cheese. If you don't know who that person is, it's you.

I wish I had possession of a thermostat the controlled the weather.

07-23-2010, 07:21 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, it comes along with Mother Nature and she's set your bedtime for 6 PM.

I wish my Visa card was paid off.

07-23-2010, 06:38 PM

Your Visa card is paid off. Unfortunately, your little trick of borrowing the money from your employer's bank account--oh, we know you intended to pay it back!--has resulted in charges that carry a penalty of 20 years behind bars.

I wish I could snap my fingers and find myself on a tropical island where cool breezes blow.

07-23-2010, 08:13 PM
snap! and here you are, planewrecked on a lovely tropical island with forty other boys. better hide your glasses--here comes jack!--s6

i wish the wind would stop blowing or the temp would go under 100

07-23-2010, 08:38 PM
Or? Ok, the wind has stopped. Dead still. No breeze. Nothin'. But that ole sun keeps burnin' hotter and hotter and now it's about 140 degrees and rising.

I wish I knew tomorrow's stock prices.

07-23-2010, 09:23 PM
you do! but you must climb onto your rocking horse to see them. while you are rocking back and forth trying to get your mediumistic juices boiling, someone who has never read dh lawrence decides you are insane and calls the white jackets to haul your rocking horse ass to the looney bin. you never profit from your gift but your looney bin doctors do.

i wish my degree in literature would pay off in $$$$

07-23-2010, 09:34 PM
Today's your lucky day, Shakeysix! For struggling through the difficulty and expense of obtaining such an advanced degree, you will recieve many large boxes full of $$$ (dollar signs).

I wish I was a genius.

07-23-2010, 09:38 PM
if you were i would pay you in dollar signs!

i wish i had majored in something more concrete

07-23-2010, 09:42 PM
Granted. You majored in pouring concrete. It's very handy with your involvement in the mafia.

I wish my step dad had a healthy heart.

07-23-2010, 10:43 PM
Awww.... How am I supposed to make fun of something like that? What kinda lion do you think I am anyway?

Okay... you win.

Ta-daaaa.... Your step-daddy now has a super-duper, extra-double, industrial strength, healthy heart! Ooops... there goes his back! Sorry... he has a bad back now.

¡spɹɐʍʞɔɐq puɐ uʍop ǝpısdn ǝʇıɹʍ pןnoɔ ı ɥsıʍ ı

07-23-2010, 10:50 PM
my gawd! you can! and with no help from me!

i wish i could write with my nose to the grindstone and finish this wretched chapter

07-23-2010, 10:59 PM
Granted. You now have a grindstone designed for noses.

.nwod edispu etirw dluoc snrocinu hsiw I

07-24-2010, 02:07 AM
Granted, but they have to do so after dipping their beautiful pearly white horns in sticky black ink.

I wish I didn't have a headache from reading wishes upside down.

07-24-2010, 02:09 AM
Your wish is granted. You now have magical goggles that allow you to read everything upside down, headache free.

I wish I had a clue...

07-24-2010, 02:29 AM
You want a clue? Ok.... a frayed movie ticket stub from Love Story date 1969. I have no idea what that means, but it's probably a really good clue to a murder, or something, somewhere. Let us know if you figure it out, Kaitie.

I wish I owned a gold mine.

07-24-2010, 07:20 AM
Granted. It's a deathtrap with barely any gold in it at all. You now have the blood of dozens of workers on your hands, and only a few nuggets in them.

I wish there weren't any crumbs and dirt between the keys in my keyboard.

07-24-2010, 11:01 PM
Granted: The spaces between your keys are filled with epoxy resin making them impenetrable to crumbs and dirt. Unfortunately your 'Uni-key" keyboard does not provide the functionally you have grown to expect. I hope you have a pencil and paper handy.

I wish I could find a pen with a built-in spellchecker.

07-24-2010, 11:48 PM
Alakazoo... alakazam... POOF! Hey...Look at that! Your pen is fused into your hand... one nice unit. Now YOU are the built-in spell checker. Hmm.... looks like you still mispell the same words though.

I wish I could breathe under water, and swim around with the fish for hours.

07-25-2010, 01:04 AM
Granted! You are now a little mermaid. You have to spend your life singing songs with fish.

I wish I could have a nap.

07-25-2010, 02:03 AM

You are having a nap. Your name is Rip Van Winkle. When you wake up 20 years from now, you will feel better.

I wish I could see my name in lights.

07-25-2010, 03:14 AM
You got it, Nymtoc! Your name is very well lit up --- on your driver's license from the cop car's flashing lights.

I wish I had a 650cc motorcycle with a red tank and lots of chrome.

07-25-2010, 03:19 AM
Granted! You only have to pay the impound fee and hope the blood stains come out.

I wish my dog would not bark at people.

07-25-2010, 04:42 AM
Kaboom..! your wish is granted... Your dog no longer barks at anyone, because he now has the gift of human speech, and he pisses off everyone with his incessant complaining and vile insults.

I wish I was visiting friends in Chicago this week.

07-25-2010, 05:46 PM
wish granted--here is your kayak.

i wish that pets could be machine washed

07-25-2010, 06:12 PM
Well, they can be; it is just rather hard on the pets.

I wish the Washington Nationals would play better. (Ha ha -- good luck granting that wish!)

07-25-2010, 06:17 PM
Granted. They will start a band and play clubs in the DC area doing covers of the Yardbirds.

I wish it was just a little cooler.

07-25-2010, 07:14 PM

Yesterday it was 110 degrees. Today it will be 109.

I wish Sarah Palin would disappear from my TV screen.

07-25-2010, 07:17 PM
Granted. I'll take a sledge hammer to your TV.

I wish Sarah Palin threads would disappear from AW.

07-25-2010, 08:56 PM

Sarah Palin threads will disappear. They will be replaced by threads featuring Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston.

I wish the genie would not be so contrary.

07-25-2010, 10:03 PM
Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you. -------------Better?

I wish I could play drums like Stewart Copeland.

07-26-2010, 12:58 AM
(Because we are here playing evil genies. Mwa haa haa...!)

Oh, fortunate Nightfly... you now play exactly like Stewart Copeland... when he was three years old! Feel like banging on pots and pans?

I wish I was the Count of Monte Cristo.

07-26-2010, 01:32 AM

But because Dumas wrote about you 166 years ago, your story is well known and you don't fool anybody. The minute you make it back to Marseille you are arrested, put in irons and thrown back into a dungeon at the Château d'If, which is where you will remain. :ROFL:

I wish I could go to a casino and win a huge amount of money.

07-26-2010, 02:19 AM
Wow... today is your lucky day, Nymtoc!
Those kids on your street, unable to sell any lemonade, decided to take it up a notch and have opened their first neighborhood casino. You have gambled your heart out and emerged with gazllions of dollars!!
Of course, it's all monopoly money... they are just kids, after all.

I wish I had many more kids.

07-26-2010, 06:50 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, to get them you've made a deal with the Sidhe (al la Heather Dale's 'Changeling Child') and you forgot to read the fine print. You asked for many more kids. They gave you fifty screaming toddlers who will never age. Plus a couple baby goats, because the Sidhe are like that.

I wish there was no such things as breakouts.

07-27-2010, 01:30 AM
Granted. Prisoners can no longer escape from prison, no matter what, ever.

I wish I had unicorn pajamas.

07-27-2010, 03:38 AM
Granted. Your pajamas are now one hundred percent skinned unicorn. Mmm, comfy.

I wish my math homework was done.

07-28-2010, 04:26 AM
Granted, O Zephronias... your math homework is ALL done. The neighbor's pet monkey filled it all in for you with old mushy bananas and dried feces while you were playing computer games. You're teacher will love you for this.

I wish I could find my old high school girlfriend.

07-28-2010, 04:29 AM
However the CSI team got to the shallow grave first...

I wish a beautiful woman would come home we me this weekend.

07-28-2010, 05:49 AM
Granted. A beautiful transsexual woman will accompany you home.

I wish I had stuff to snack on.

07-28-2010, 06:42 AM
Granted. I hope you like cany coated fire ants.

I wish I didn't have a final tomorrow.

07-28-2010, 07:50 AM

You don't have to take that final, because the instructor has already given you a failing grade.


I wish I could live on popcorn.

07-28-2010, 06:28 PM
okay, you now live on the planet of popcorn. it is ruled by pigeons. watch where you step--s6

i wish i could have watemelon for brakfast all year round--s6

07-28-2010, 06:54 PM
Granted. But now it's all you can eat at your other meals, too, for forever.

I wish I could stop being such a klutz.

07-30-2010, 05:22 AM
Bibidee-bobidee-boo... alakazam alakazoo.... wipidee dipidee dooooooooo. *phew!
You are no longer a *klutz*, thewakingself. Cool, huh? You are now just a dumb clumsy loser. Is that better?

Oh, how I wish I could have some French vanilla ice cream doused with Irish Mist.

07-30-2010, 08:01 AM
Granted. But I couldn't buy any Irish Mist. I think this is close enough.


I wish I would stop getting sick!

07-30-2010, 08:04 AM
Granted. Burial or cremation?

I wish I had enough energy to do everything I need to.

07-30-2010, 08:04 AM
Granted. You have enough energy. Too much, though; you can no longer sit still, sleep or relax.

I wish I could fly.

07-30-2010, 09:10 AM
Granted. You now have a beautiful "graceful fall" but the velocity isn't looking good for a non-fatal landing.

I wish I could keep working on this novel.

07-30-2010, 02:45 PM
sad to say you are probably going to get that wish with no help from me. look around you. the place is full of folks who never stop working on novels.

i wish i wasn't such a downer this morning

08-01-2010, 06:01 AM

You made that wish yesterday, and things brightened up, didn't they?

Didn't they?


I wish I were not so misunderstood.

08-01-2010, 04:55 PM
Wow... that was a tough one Nymtoc, but you got it.
In fact, you are SO well understood that even your thoughts are totally viewed and understood by all within 1 mile of you.
Hey! I saw that!

I wish I had a wish to wish.

08-01-2010, 06:43 PM
here--you can have one of mine

i--ilion wish that the kansas department of transportation would let me keep the 110 lbs description on my driver's license. a designation which they so unfairly changed to 144 lbs this last june. and as long as i am wishing they can just change my hair color from gray back to blonde!

08-01-2010, 07:59 PM
Granted. You've just been arrested for having a fake ID.

I wish I could get off my butt and get stuff done before 10 am.

08-04-2010, 03:41 AM
Granted: At exactly 9:59 a.m. you stand up and poop (I live with a two-year-old) all over the floor.

I wish I had something to do this summer.

08-04-2010, 06:03 AM
Granted. But it involves eight hours of picking up trash alongside the roadway during the heat of day.

I wish my dog would stop staring at me like I'm his entertainment coordinator.

08-04-2010, 07:12 AM
okay--your leg becomes his romantic interest instead

i wish my air conditioner ran on rejection slips not electricity

08-04-2010, 07:26 AM

But you have so many rejection slips that they overload the air conditioner's circuits and it explodes.

I wish I had a money tree.

08-04-2010, 07:56 AM
You betcha. Too bad the sum total of leaves equals one Zimbabwean trillion dollar note.

I wish I had a thousand pounds of pure gold in my bank account.

08-04-2010, 02:37 PM

Your account is with the National Bank of North Korea. Good luck getting that gold.

I wish that when buttons fall off my shirt they would sew themselves back on.

08-04-2010, 05:13 PM
wish granted but buttons are not the smartest animate objects. (bright as a button? not hardly!) the pesky little critters sew themselves onto any available surface, flesh or fabric makes no nevermind to them. you will have to direct their every stitch. oho--is that button carrying a leather punch?

i wish we could get a breeze this morning.

08-07-2010, 07:10 AM
Granted. The remnants of Hurricane Colin reform and regain hurricane force. They sweep your area at 75 mph. The winds uproot big trees and drop them on cars. Your area loses power for a week.You must carry your 8 pound laptop a mile to get it charged up. You dare not drive your car because there is no gas anywhere in your town.

I wish I had information on a horse named Tar Heel.

08-07-2010, 07:16 PM
well, here she is. she got the name from some on location work she did for a roofing crew some years ago. the price is right at twenty a trick but i'd keep an eye on her left go-go boot. rumor has it she carries a shiv...oh, wait, did you say horse??? so sorry--s6

i wish all goes well when you take tar heel to meet your mother

08-08-2010, 12:14 AM

She gets on Tar Heel and rides off into the sunset.

I wish someone would offer me $100 a word.

08-08-2010, 01:47 AM
Granted. But that person is both fiscally and morally bankrupt.

I wish weekends were five days long.

08-08-2010, 01:49 AM
Granted, but it cuts into the amount of hours you work and you get a HUGE paycut.

I wish I had really long hair.

08-08-2010, 01:55 AM
Granted. I'll send you a case of Acme Hair Growth Formula. It always works for cartoon characters.

I wish weekends lasted longer.

08-08-2010, 02:01 AM
Granted, but now those long days are full of delights like Chinese water torture.

I wish my hot water heater worked better.

08-09-2010, 01:40 AM
Granted, your water comes out at a scalding 140°. Unfortunately, the cold no longer works.

I wish I had a time machine.

08-09-2010, 01:45 AM

You have a time machine. It's called a wristwatch.

I wish I could wish myself to any place on earth and be there in an instant.

08-09-2010, 05:01 AM
and you can! at least your bottom part can. i'm still working on the head and trunk.

i wish nymmie could keep his head

08-09-2010, 11:18 PM

Nymtoc has kept his head. It is in a jar, waiting for Dr. Frankenstein to put it to better use than before.

I wish the mailman would deliver packages to me instead of leaving me notices telling me to go to the post office and pick them up. (Genie, this is a problem that afflicts apartment dwellers in certain large cities, like the one in which I reside.)

08-10-2010, 04:29 AM
okay nymmie, one last trip to the po but frabjous day! (calloo callay) this is the day that your mailman finally snaps. your complaint to his supe was the last straw on this blistering dog day afternoon. he went to walmart over his lunch hour and bought himself an arsenal. when he got back to work he opened fire--as postmen sometimes do when feeling unappreciated. you can have your package and any other packages you find. here are some antiseptical wipes to remove brain tissue and blood. oh--did i mention he survived the shootout with law enforcement and is headed towards the lincoln center in a tank?

i wish nymmie had a nice rural mailbox like i have so he could watch the mail carrier bulldoze his new new trash can every wednesday morning

08-11-2010, 07:42 PM
Granted. Nymtoc now lives with you along with his seven dogs, nine cats (six of which are pregnant), and a Mynah Bird that says the most inappropriate things.

I wish they would finish the road work in front of my house.

08-12-2010, 08:27 PM

The new road includes a truck weigh station in front of your house. From now on, 18-wheelers will be grinding to a halt at your door, belching fumes and revving their engines as they rumble down the highway every hour of the day and night.

I wish I knew what happened before the Big Bang.

08-12-2010, 09:15 PM
Granted. You travel thirteen billion years back in time, to the hour prior to the Big Bang. There, you observe the bleakness of the empty cosmos from the safety of your awesome spaceship. Unfortunately, your time machine breaks down, and so you become a casualty of the violent, super-cooled birth of our universe.

On the bright side: Happy birthday to us!

I wish I would stop aging.

08-12-2010, 09:39 PM
Granted. R.I.P.

I wish I knew what was inside all those packages that are being mailed to Nym.

08-12-2010, 09:49 PM

And now that you know, you have been transported to the psychiatric ward to recover from the shock.

I wish there would be no more no-talent instant celebrities.

08-15-2010, 01:17 AM
Granted. Nobody cares any more about anything outside their own lives. Bookstores can now only sell self help books.
I wish I owned every book about the Iron Brigade.

08-15-2010, 11:26 AM
Granted. As a thank you for purchasing all the dusty tomes in the warehouse, the publisher sends you a complementary doormat that says HOOKER, in memory of the courageous Major General. Unfortunately, all the men in the neighborhood are not as conversant with history as you are and they are lined up for blocks, each with a ten-spot in his grubby fist.

I wish new technology were outlawed until I could figure out all the stuff I already own.

08-15-2010, 07:46 PM

The newest technological gadget would have given you instant understanding of all the technology you own. Since that is now outlawed, you'll just have to do the best you can.

I wish I could write a book that would be adapted into a blockbuster movie.

08-15-2010, 11:53 PM

But on the night you were to receive your billion dollar book deal- in one of the most incredible instances of identity theft- someone stole all your glory, your money, your mansion and even your pet Wallaby. In attempt to prove your identity, you are writing the sequel to the book on the walls of your padded cell with a piece of chalk between your toes.

I wish I could turn off alternating sides of my brain every 12 hours, thereby foregoing the need for sleep.

08-16-2010, 03:24 AM
Granted. But you soon wish the side of your brain that was in charge of telling you to be careful of what you wish for had been on the ball. You see, when the left hemisphere is asleep, your right brain goes wild with all sorts of creative and wacky plans, then leaves the mess for the left side to clean up later when it's awake. It takes twelve hours for the left side to complete the job, then it has to go back to sleep and, well, there you go again. After a month of this emotional roller coaster ride, you are a complete whack job, only qualified for a job with the government, but sadly, all those jobs are filled.

I wish I understood all the mysteries of the universe.

08-16-2010, 03:56 AM

But the gods are furious that a mere mortal should have such understanding. Therefore, Athena has turned you into a prickly pear.

I wish I had a yacht.

08-16-2010, 07:09 PM
Granted: You are now standing on the deck of your very own America’s Cup yacht, oneAustralia, which, unfortunately for you, sank during a challenge heat in 1995, and still sits on the bottom of the ocean.

I wish it would gently rain for a few hours.

08-16-2010, 09:27 PM
Granted. That gentle rain soon turns into a torrential downpour, resulting in the flooding of your house. You lose everything--including your sanity.

I wish today wasn't Monday.

08-16-2010, 09:45 PM
Granted. It's Sunday night . . . . 11:59. You'll get to get up and start Monday again in a few hours. Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

I wish chocolate ice cream was a health food.

08-16-2010, 09:52 PM

Chocolate ice cream is a health food--for cats. It's the same as it always was for humans.

I wish I owned big buildings with my name on them, like Donald Trump.