View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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02-07-2010, 09:49 PM

It is filled with protein, vitamins and minerals and tastes like 10-day-old garbage.

I wish I had a hot-air balloon.

02-08-2010, 06:46 AM
Granted. You cannot control it and it takes you to a bizarre land where houses fall on witches.

I wish I had an Inuit parka.

02-08-2010, 09:56 PM
Granted, Komnena! Enjoy your freshly made, genuine Inuit parka made from the skins of freshly slaughtered arctic animals. These are worn, of course, fur side out... blood-dripping skin side in.

I wish we could just skip to spring.

02-09-2010, 07:00 AM
Granted. Okay, if you like, we'll skip to spring. Hope you're up on your cardio.

I wish I owned my own pub.

02-09-2010, 07:13 PM
"PUB: (noun); The metal flap which covers the exhaust on larger trucks and tractors;" Wow... I learn something every day. And now you own one of these things!

I wish women looked at me and saw Antonio Banderas.

02-10-2010, 08:32 AM
Granted. Now Antonio is always right behind you so women always see him.

Because they look right Through you.

I wish I had the place to myself.

02-10-2010, 07:44 PM
GRANTED, Nightfly! You have the place ALL to yourself. No one else. Just you. Not another soul. All alone. So very, very alone. You will always have the place to yourself... no one else will ever come along. It's a forever thing, which really adds to the whole feeling, doesn't it? Hope that was your best wish, 'cuz I gotta go now. Can't stay.

I wish I'd get a call to be on Jay Leno's show.

02-12-2010, 08:10 AM
Granted. Unfortunately the show is now filmed in Nome, Alaska.

I wish I had space for all the books I want.

02-13-2010, 06:10 PM
Granted! Now you only want a copy of Why the French Adore Americans.

I wish I could get a good haircut in my town.

02-14-2010, 08:27 AM
Granted. A new barber arrives and opens up a shop. You love the haircut so much you decide, at his suggestion, to go for a shave. Then he asks (in a kind if sing-songy voice) if you've met Mrs. Lovett yet - she's just opened a pie shop nearby....

I wish I had some better moves.

02-14-2010, 09:18 AM
Granted! You instantly "know" all the Kama Sutra sex moves. Hey, not bad - except that your suspicious spouse is now filing for divorce.

I wish I could live the life of my dreams.

02-14-2010, 12:11 PM

No one ever told you you'd have to slip into a coma to get to the life of your dreams.

O O P S!

I wish I could go to sleep.

02-14-2010, 07:10 PM
kazowie--kazookas--you are now sleeping like a beauty. unfortunately you are a sixteen year old blonde virgin sleeping his life away in a moldy castle bedroom. but don't sweat it. soon enough a guy in velvet and lace will lay a smoocheroo on your rosebud lips. good luck on your new reomance.

i wish that all the slush in my driveway would turn to gold

02-14-2010, 09:35 PM

The slush in your driveway is gold, and your car's stuck in said gold, your cat is stuck too as she was walking across it while it was turned.

Oops. You're stuck too. Have fun getting out. I've left a hammer and chisel just out of reach....

SO, SO, S O R R Y.

I wish I had a house large enough to put a library in.

02-15-2010, 05:12 AM
and here is your house/library--complete with miss ida lou beickerdyke at the front desk. miss bieckerdyke was my hometown librarian when i was a child,and she still lives in my nightmares--you see i was kind of messy and irresponsible, a disrganized, (but lovable), tomboy, with a frog in one pocket and a pack of my grandfather's kools in the other.

miss bierdyke made me her special vendetta early in the game, after i lost two boxcar children books in one week. she once sent the police chief to my father's place of business to demand the return of "podkayne of mars" and slapped a 39$ fine on the book, a fine on top of the cost of the book, which was a little mildewed but still legible. then there was the time she called my grandfather because she saw me and a couple of friends smoking in the park. i puked all the way home and still got spanked! now YOU will be miss bierdyke's favorite guest. have fun in your house--s6

i wish that there was a special place in hell for old people who leave their smokes laying around to tempt innocent children

02-15-2010, 11:20 AM
Granted. But Beelzebub read your post and was shocked that you'd want to move your grandpa to a special place in hell so he tweaked your wish a tad and brought Miss Bierdyke down instead. They have a lot in common, Beelzebub and Miss B., which I am sure does not surprise you. But Miss B., now Mrs. B. L. Zebub, wanted to have kids and since she's too old, he allowed her to choose someone to adopt. By the time you read this, the flames will be licking your toes.

I wish dulce de leche ice cream were one of the four main food groups.

02-15-2010, 10:05 PM
DONE! Your favorite grocery store now only carries four main food groups: Cat food, celery, spam, and dulche de leche ice cream. All mixed together, of course.

I wish I could fly south to escape this winter snow.

Chris P
02-15-2010, 10:18 PM
DONE! Your favorite grocery store now only carries four main food groups: Cat food, celery, spam, and dulche de leche ice cream. All mixed together, of course.

I wish I could fly south to escape this winter snow.

Granted! You overshoot and crash land in the Andes where winter is fast approaching.

I wish I had bought ginger ale instead of diet Coke.

02-15-2010, 10:47 PM
You got it! You did buy Ginger ale. Too bad she doesn't like it.

I wish I could throw a party tonight and invite all the AW writers.

Chris P
02-15-2010, 10:54 PM
Granted! We prop our muddy feet up on your coffee table, several people get repped up on crits, we get cigarette burns in your sofa, start an argument on the proper use of the serial comma, and the mods have to be called in to close the place down. Best time any of us has had in years.

I wish it were warmer so I could fly RC airplanes.

02-15-2010, 11:25 PM
You got it, Chris! So, how do those RC planes fly here in Hell?

I wish I could stop screwing around and do some productive work.

02-20-2010, 01:23 AM
Granted. You find yourself busily and productively making license plates.
I wish I hadn't killed the sorry thread.

02-20-2010, 01:41 AM
all is well. i have revived the i'm sorry thread but i'm sorry that i can't stay around and play. i have to serve soup till the cows come home. at the sophomore soup supper.

i wish komnene was the sophomore sponsor

02-20-2010, 06:32 PM
Granted. Komnena is your new sophomoric sponsor who displays very immature judgement.

I wish my neighbor's dog would stop crapping on my lawn.

02-21-2010, 05:40 AM
Granted. He craps on your porch instead.

I wish my feet would quit itching.

02-21-2010, 01:18 PM
Granted. You're feet are replaced with hooves.

I wish I could take back my last wish.

Ms. Jem
02-24-2010, 06:04 AM
Granted. You can take back that last wish. However, in order to do that we have to rewind the rest of your life. Any second thoughts?

I wish Harry Never Met Sally.

02-24-2010, 06:27 AM
Granted. But that movie was where you met your ex-hubby. Instead you watched Bride of Chucky with Al, your current hubby, who wears a wife-beater that doesn't cover his navel hair.

I wish my wishes had wishes.

Ms. Jem
02-26-2010, 06:12 AM
Granted. Your wishes have wishes that cancel each other out. This frustrates you to the point that you don't want to live with them anymore because they can't make up their mind......what?

I wish everything was illuminated.

02-26-2010, 08:42 AM
Granted. But in order to grant your wish we had expand the sun into a red giant. This in turn consumes the earth and kills everyone instantly. Wait. Maybe I shoulda thought about that one a little harder.

I wish I had my life back.

Ms. Jem
02-27-2010, 08:13 AM
Granted. Your life is back. Oh, you don't remember being behind bars?

But weren't you the spy in the trench coat with the light thingie in the lining? Yea, I thought so. Well, while you claim to be gone from this life, that spy did something very, very bad. Now you're inside. Have a nice life.

I wish it were Christmas, then the snow would be fun!

02-27-2010, 10:04 AM

You've been a bad girl. Coal in your stocking and... well, you don't want to know what the reindeer did to your roof.

I wish I could play harmonica like Stevie Wonder

02-27-2010, 10:10 AM
Granted. But everyone time you play, the sound comes out backward. This angers your audience and they begin to pelt you with stones.

I wish Gem would let me out of this TV. That's right, the one with the bars.

02-28-2010, 08:42 AM
Granted. You are transferred from your TV prison to the salt mines. Enjoy all the exercise you're going to get.

I wish I had a complete set of Bradbury.

02-28-2010, 09:16 AM
Shazaaaaam! GRANTED! You now have a complete set of Wally Wanker Bradbury's top 1,000 lounge hits!

I wish I could go to the nude beach and just get some sun!

02-28-2010, 05:52 PM
poof. i have aquired a personal, private beach for you. unfortunaetly, after showing a snapshot of you naked (you'd be surprised how many of those are floating around the web.) to the beach owners of the world, the only beach i could rent is in punta arenas chile. don't let the penguins nibble on your droopies--ss

i wish i could convince my daughters that all star sneakers, oxford shirts and mom butt jeans are in style

02-28-2010, 06:47 PM
Alakazoo... Alakazam... SHAZBOT! There you go, Shakysix. Your daughters will now wear only star sneakers, oxford shirts and mom butt jeans. This is great for you, but they now live in a world of endless youthful teasing and ridicule.

I wish I hadn't given Shakysix her wish.

02-28-2010, 07:16 PM
well here i am--in my mombutt jeans and my chuck taylors and guess what-- the whole world is with me. rock stars, models and politicians sport them. the pope has a pair and so does the ayatollah. from obama to paris hilton to aborigines in the outback, the whole world is smiling because they are finaly comfortable. no more wars because there are no more social classes. bunions and deformed toes are a thing of the past. no more butt cracks showing or flub lapping over waistbands to make people uptight and snappy. but my daughters are still hyper ventilating about fashion.

i wish spring would get its ass in gear

03-02-2010, 12:34 AM
Granted. But so many metaphors have greatly confused the wishing gods. You now have a 200 lb spring attached to your ass.

I wish I was living in the gutter, sleeping inside my own tin can.

03-02-2010, 12:44 AM
Your dismal wish is granted but a good samaritan found you in the gutter, gave you a million dollars and now you are living in the lap of luxury.

I wish I had one million dollars.

03-02-2010, 06:02 AM
Hocus Pocus Dominocus... ta-daaaa..... You now have ONE MILLION dollars! Is this cool, or what!? And you can spend it on anything within the rules of Monopoly. Have a great time, Tink! :)

I wish I could be the Count of Monte Cristo for a few years.

03-02-2010, 01:02 PM
Granted. You are the Count of Monte Cristo (before he took that name) during the 14 years he was imprisoned in the Ch‚teau d'If. :ROFL:

I wish I had a harem.

03-02-2010, 05:34 PM
Granted. You have a harem full of cynical, angry, dissallusioned women on your hands that you now have to try and restore their faith in mankind.
Good luck. :evil

I wish that I was sitting on a beautiful private beach with the sun warming my body reading, relaxing and sipping a mimosa.

Alpha Echo
03-02-2010, 05:38 PM
Tink - enjoy that beach....but watch out for the shark?

I wish that my SO's ex would die in a firey car crash and that his daughter wouldn't be too devestated.

03-02-2010, 08:48 PM
Granted. But somehow they managed to link you to his murder ( something about a paper trail ) and now you're on deathrow.

I wish I was completely and utterly alone. So lonely that not even the fleas would associate with me.

03-05-2010, 06:13 AM
Granted. You wake up on the planet Mars where you are the only living being. Better get to work on the terraforming fast.

I wish people would quit offering me their unwanted animals.

03-05-2010, 06:41 AM
( No! That was supposed to work. I've got the manual right here. I'm s'posed to be rich and famous )

Granted!!! The Unclean One smites you with his mighty hammer and splits you into a thousand yous, all of which are dragged down by barbed tongues into a maelstrom of sulphur and magma.

What was that wish again? Never mind . . . Here's your quarter back.
Cheater <- ( hidden text )

I wish I could ride the second hand of my watch.

03-05-2010, 06:44 AM
Granted but the hand runs counter clockwise which leaves you very dizzy and confused.

I wish that I was riding a plane to Florida.

03-05-2010, 09:58 PM
binko winko! you are! unfortunately the plane is made of balsa wood and the prop is plastic. oh, and stewart little, the pilot, just stepped on the rubber band. looks like you are going down. in the everglades. the swampy terrain cushions the crash. you only break a leg. and there is plenty to eat and drink, here in this cooler. why don't you have a nice cold gatorade while waiting for help to arrive. ooops! did i say gator? well, speak of the devil

wish i had someone to grade these spanish workbooks for me

03-05-2010, 10:11 PM
Granted. A letter was sent to a qualified spanish tutor but by some evil twist of fate you're spanish flying monkey got a hold it. I won't tell you what happened to those workbooks. But oooooh, the smell.

I wish I could smell colors.

03-06-2010, 06:10 PM
Granted. Let's see if it worked. Close your eyes and smell this brown stuff.

I wish I was a movie star who made $20-million a picture (and dated Anne Hathaway).

03-06-2010, 06:37 PM
That's two wishes...

I wish I was a movie star who made $20-million a picture.
Granted. You're Paris Hilton, the most well paid and reviled of all celebrities.

(and dated Anne Hathaway)
Ooooh... written in the past tense. You spend the next 40 years of your life obsessing over your one date with a Hollywood superstar and hating how miserable you've been ever since she decided not to call you back.

I wish for all the superpowers of every comic book character ever conceived.

03-06-2010, 06:45 PM
i had something back in the sixties that allowed one to smell colors. just as well i missed that wish. it's probably illegal now. anyway victor now has the powers of superman, the flash, green lantern, aqua man, the hulk and wonder woman. unfortunately he also inherited their wardrobes. he can only wear blue long johns with a fetching red cape, a fish scale bodice or a green scalloped tunic with tights and a cute quiver and matching arrows. how is that going to look in an elevator, on your way to work? best of all will be wonder woman day. no way that invisible jet is going to hide your heels and short shorts--s6

i wish i had a magic laso to snare rowdy students

03-06-2010, 08:46 PM
(hey, six, pass me sum of that stuff)

Granted. The magic lasso is extry specially long. Whenever you try to ensnare one of your rowdy students, it scours the land for rowdy kids in other schools. Big nasty, smelly kids that could easily be juvie rejects. They are now auditing your class.

I wish my posts could have a life of their own so that they could troll sites and say inane things to others anonymously.

03-07-2010, 07:24 AM
Granted. Your posts do that. However, they also visit many Nigerian websites.

I wish I had a flying car.

03-07-2010, 11:21 AM
Granted, though you plow into a mountain on your maiden voyage because who the hell knows how to pilot one of those things?

I wish to rule the world and run things my way.

03-07-2010, 09:35 PM
Granted. But you're dominion is shortlived. About five nanoseconds. You are overthrown by an army of vorpal maggots.

I wish time would slow at the most inappropriate times.
A long monotonous drive could then be stretched into an adventure, filled with moments of delicious agony.

03-08-2010, 09:52 AM
anyway victor now has the powers of superman, the flash, green lantern, aqua man, the hulk and wonder woman. unfortunately he also inherited their wardrobes.

What, you mean like this:

I'd totally wear that anyway.

03-08-2010, 10:19 AM
Granted. But you're dominion is shortlived. About five nanoseconds. You are overthrown by an army of vorpal maggots.

I wish time would slow at the most inappropriate times.
A long monotonous drive could then be stretched into an adventure, filled with moments of delicious agony.

Granted, but you have to wear tu-tu and tights and say you love kittens two-thousand times for each moment lengthened.

I wish I could sneak down stairs without the kids hearing me.

03-08-2010, 11:44 PM
Granted. The kids don't hear you because they're out toilet papering the mayor's house. Expect a visit from the police when they review the security video.

I wish never to see another tomato.

03-08-2010, 11:48 PM
Granted. You're blind.

I wish I had one of those Star Trek food maker thingys. I could just push a button and a bacon cheeseburger would pop out in three seconds.

03-09-2010, 02:20 AM
Granted. You must be very clear when speaking to the wishing gods. I'll tell you what. "thingys" . . . Well, let me just say that you now have two and every time you push that button the experience is very painful.

I wish I could run on the wind and catch fish with my feet.

03-09-2010, 09:06 PM
blinko--okay you now have the power to break wind with your feet. god knows what you will do with those powers. seems like a peculiar request to... oh, wait. did you mean run on the wind? so sorry. gonna have to have this beltone checked out--s6

03-09-2010, 09:45 PM
Granted. Your beltone is checked out constantly at the library so that you never get to use it.

I wish I had a treasure chest full of sugar free candies.

03-10-2010, 12:34 AM
you do. but they all taste like dogpoop. (which in fact they do--so you didn't even have to waste this wish.)

wish that i was on a rice krispie treat the size of a two man raft, floating down a river of marshmallow cream

03-10-2010, 02:00 AM
Granted. Since you never issued the magic words (Yes, I ignored the words in parantheses. They don't even know what those are. ) . . . Let's see we've got dog poop floating and Krispy Rice. Well, you do the math.

I wish I could eat my next wish backwards or
ETA: swap my wish for what's behind door #2.

03-12-2010, 07:19 AM
Granted. You open door 2 and find a hungry tiger.

I wish I could have every book in the military book club catalog.

03-12-2010, 03:49 PM
I wish I could have every book in the military book club catalog.


Since the Military Book Club has thousands upon thousands of titles, the books have all been trucked to your home and fill every room. They spill out onto your yard and are piled up on your roof. You can no longer live in the house and move out. The city condemns your house, seizes the books and donates them to the Public Library. You take up residence on the street, where you treasure the one book you were able to save--The History of the Anglo-Zanzibar War--which you read aloud, over and over again, to anyone who will listen.

I wish I could go on a TV game show and win $100,000.

03-12-2010, 06:19 PM
boinus poinkus--you are on the new maury povich gameshow. it is called dancing with the whiners. you dance softshoe in a spotlight while all of america hears a smarmy announcer narrate the failures, excuses and plain stupid dreams of your failed life. you of course win. you take the 100,000 check and jump off the nearest bridge --s6

i wish there was water instead of tumble weeds in the arkansas river--s6

Ms. Jem
03-13-2010, 07:14 AM
Granted. Lots of water in the Arkansas River and the surrounding community.
Can you say state of emergency?

I wish fudge was good for ya!

03-13-2010, 07:36 AM
Granted. Fudge is good for you. But it complains and cries every time you eat a piece and you feel the same guilt you always feel when you eat too much fudge.

I wish I could inject key strokes directly into the computer using only my mind.

03-16-2010, 06:38 AM
Granted. The government seizes you and forces you to use your talent exclusively on government memos.

I wish I had a magic cauldron.

03-16-2010, 10:00 AM
( Thank god for Komenia and keeping threads alive. Seriously. )

Granted. You you have a magic cauldron . . . somewhere. Keep looking. You'll find it eventually.

I wish I had Hermoine's time turner.

03-17-2010, 09:39 PM
Granted. But you are so busy turning time you never get any writing done.

I wish I knew where the Lost Dutchman mine was.

03-17-2010, 10:59 PM
you do! too bad you had to marry the dutchman to find out. except for his teeth and his deplorable hygene he's not a bad catch. in fact he is quite virile for a 106 year old man and quite capable of chasing gold digging dragon wenches through his storied gold mine, begging for a little slobbery foreplay before getting down to coitus. of cours you could always steal his burro and ride into the superstitions for a tanning session on an anthill provided by your apache neighbors. other than that things are kind of tedious even if you do have all the gold in arizona--s6

i wish that i had a fun sex life

03-18-2010, 06:27 AM
Granted. Your new lover is the world's most renowned clown. Unfortunately it wasn't his looks that earned him fame.

I wish I had a new rolling suitcase.

03-18-2010, 06:30 AM
Granted. Here's a shopping cart. The left front wheel wobbles just a bit, but other than than it's in fine condition.

If only the good die young, will I live to be 128?

03-19-2010, 12:17 AM
since you did not specify a wish i am going to grant that you become very very very good. so good in fact that you will live even longer than 128 years. you don't drink, gamble, dance , overeat, watch mindless tv , listen to rock n roll or anything much else. your life will be pretty much daily sessions of church, two on sunday, choir practice, sunday school, dogmatic theology classes, good works and bible discussion. your wardrobe --sackcloth but with a nice fit. you will live 338 years but it will seem like a thousand.

i wish that i had a new pair of chuck taylors for easter

03-19-2010, 12:57 AM
Granted. You now have a pair of Charlie Taylor's cleats. Looks like they spray painted them to make 'em look new. Enjoy.

I wish by simply laying my hand on a book, I could immediately know its contents.

03-19-2010, 02:20 AM

Here is a copy of Going Rogue, by Sarah Palin. Lay your hand upon it. You know its contents. :D

I wish I could write in my sleep.

Ms. Jem
03-19-2010, 05:31 AM
Granted. You write in your sleep.

However, in your waking hours, you are a psychopath. You run around the neighborhood in your birthday suit, your only accessory a butcher knife, screaming: 'Make it stop, Mommy!'

I wish Norman Bates wasn't so crazy - he might have had a great life.
(He certainly would still have a mother)

03-19-2010, 02:03 PM
okay--little normie bates is no longer considered an aberrant psychopath by mainstream psychiatry. everyone is free to freeze dry his or her mommy, favorite uncle or palomino horse. it is a scary, scary world that you have created with your wish, jem, and your loving children have a special place in the attic for you.

i wish that my creditors would take a hike to timbuktu

03-19-2010, 02:07 PM
Granted. They take a hike there and set up a call center. Expect a call from Ukurugenzi "Bob" Karume about that late payment.

I wish weekends were five days long, and the workweek was two days long.

03-19-2010, 02:18 PM
okay--but you will have to commute. weekends are spent on earth but you work on pluto,

i wish that my ranunculus would snap out of their mid winter funk

03-19-2010, 02:26 PM
Granted. Your ranunculus goes wild and takes over all of Kansas, which will now be known as the Ranunculus State.

I wish to have a calm and productive Friday.

03-19-2010, 03:20 PM

Friday will be extraordinarily calm. You will sit around doing nothing all day until around 5 o'clock, when you will wander to the computer and become productive, writing a page that reads only "The..."

I wish I had a castle in Spain.

03-19-2010, 07:00 PM
good news--castle torquemada is now yours. be a little leery of the basement where thousands of innocent spaniards were tortured to death during the inquisition. you don't believe in ghosts? no matter. you will be hosting public ghost tours every weekend and twice weekly. --s6

i wish i had an ending to my novel

03-19-2010, 07:47 PM



I wish I could afford carpeting.

03-19-2010, 08:08 PM
Granted. A nice coaster sized carpet for your mug and a nice warm pig for your feet. But your armchair and TV have been repo'd and playing wheezes with the dust bunnies is getting a bit tired.

I wish I was ruler of all that I see (preferably not blind) for all of eternity.

03-20-2010, 11:55 AM
Granted, you have now been placed in a room with no doors or windows.

I wish I could get paid to write.

03-20-2010, 12:13 PM
granted, but you don't get paid right to write. Payment comes in the way of vegetable vouchers beause when you said 'you wanted a 'healthy figure'', well, you know what that publisher is like is like for screwing with meaning...

I wish I could stop playing and games and get on with some writing.

03-20-2010, 02:20 PM
Granted. I'll do you one better, I'll send you a beta copy of The Writing Game. In this game, as you play and advance, you also write a novel. You get one word for every point you score. You win when you get to 90,000 points.

I wish I had an self-cleaning house where you just pushed a button and the house would clean itself and also do the laundry.

03-21-2010, 03:29 AM
Granted. But then the house moans that your not paying it enough attention and it runs off with the house next door leaving you with nothing but the bath and your rubber duck to play with.

I wish I could get my cats to stay still long enough to get decent photos...

03-21-2010, 07:07 AM
no wish necessary. you just have to slip them into a freezer for thirty or forty minutes. at least that is what works with praying mantises and lady bugs. double cough syrup for toddlers.

i wish i had my career in photography back again

03-21-2010, 06:07 PM
Granted. I'll send you four dozen cats. You can take some photos for the National LOLcats contest.

I wish I could find the perfect spot to build a cabin in the woods (preferably overlooking a small lake or river).

03-21-2010, 06:24 PM
I wish I could find the perfect spot to build a cabin in the woods (preferably overlooking a small lake or river).
Granted. My garden shed overlooks a beautiful lake (honestly). Course you'll have me as your landlord and master

I wish someone cute would move into my garden shed

03-21-2010, 06:28 PM
Granted. I can be cute. I can! I hope you don't mind if I use the your deck to hang my laundry. I don't think I can get a washer and dryer into the shed.

I wish Paul wouldn't complain if I "borrow" his stuff. I'll be glad to return the TV when baseball season is over.

03-21-2010, 06:32 PM
Granted. I can be cute. I can! I hope you don't mind if I use the your deck to hang my laundry. I don't think I can get a washer and dryer into the shed.

I wish Paul wouldn't complain if I "borrow" his stuff. I'll be glad to return the TV when baseball season is over.

Hmmmm, a wish too far methinks, knowing Paul hates sport
As for the laundry no prob, long as my stuff is in the mix (me is lazy)

03-21-2010, 07:19 PM
I wish someone else would post

03-21-2010, 07:26 PM
Granted. Got snacks?

I wish I knew what my cat was thinking when she sits and stares at me.

03-22-2010, 12:37 AM

Got snacks?

I wish I'd taken that cup of coffee with me.

03-22-2010, 01:17 AM
Granted. But the cup becomes increasingly dense and you have to drag it around wherever you go. This starts a chain reaction of mayhem. Beginning with traffic accidents. Buildings collapse and then of course world hunger. And finally the earth crashes into the sun.

I wish I had a random age spinner. I could wake up every morning and spin it to determine how old I would be that day.

03-22-2010, 01:26 AM

Though it has a tendency to land either on the low side of 3 or the high side of 93... and your control over your bodily functions is about the same at either end.

I wish dinner would be ready soon.

03-22-2010, 11:58 PM

Here's a Real Salmon & Crab Meat in Sauce dinner. (It's one of your cat's Meow Mix Market Selectô Singles)

I wish I could get away from this thread and get back to serious writing.

03-23-2010, 01:51 AM
Granted. You will spend the rest of your days as a pen in the hands of a serious writer.

I wish we were much closer to the local asylum. (100 yards or less)

03-23-2010, 05:43 AM

You now have a private room in the State Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Breakfast is at 8:00 a.m., lunch at noon, and dinner at six. Enjoy.

I wish I could win the lottery.

03-23-2010, 06:31 AM
congratz! you have won the Shirley jackson Lottery. i'd shake your hand but i have to pick up this pile of stones!!!!!! better run, not that it will do you any good.

i wish i could pull off wearing a crocheted tee-shirt, no bra, overalls and clodhoppers like my cousin oatie--s6

03-23-2010, 08:09 AM

It's accompanied by the sounds of banjos and someone going, "You sure do have a purty mouth".

I wish I had a little more time to sleep.

03-23-2010, 08:12 AM
Granted. But you are in bed with someone who is saying, "You sure do have a purty mouth."

I wish I could type faster.

03-23-2010, 08:13 AM
Granted. But you type so fast, that your fingers take over the work of your brain. You have offended many people and have been banned.

I wish that I was nearly weightless, like a helium balloon, and I could bounce from place to place.

03-23-2010, 09:15 AM

You are now the Sponge Bob Square Pants balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I wish I had more time.

03-23-2010, 06:44 PM

But, having more time does not mean you get more done. All it really means is that people ask you to do twice as much as you are now, because you're the person who has more time.

Either that or you suddenly have a collection of grandfather clocks that are slightly out of tune and slightly out of sync, so that there is at least one chiming at all times.

Djinn is feeling generous today, so you can choose :D

I wish I had an answer, one way or the other.

03-23-2010, 07:44 PM

It's the other.

I wish I had a rollercoaster running through my house. (I would like three choices.)

03-23-2010, 08:30 PM

It runs through either
• your bedroom
• your bathroom
• your living room (in front of the tv)
You, however do not get to ride it. You just get to enjoy the noise, the shaking, and of course the utter lack of privacy as hundreds of people sail through your house at all hours.

(next time don't be greedy)

I wish I knew what I wanted for lunch.

03-23-2010, 08:41 PM
beef & spaghetti, broccoli, carrots & cauliflower , pears, cheese biscuits--tuesday

chicken nuggets, choice of sauce, augratin potatoes, apple sauce wheat roll, milk--wednesday

pigs in a blanket, tater tots, green beans, peaches--thursday

whiting wedges, mac n cheese, fresh fruit, wheat roll and milk--friday

here is the macksville kansas school lunch menu. no bewildering choices here. i myself am passing because school food can really pound your ass, but you dear friend can have a solid noon meal every weekday and you'll ALWAYWS know what you want for lunch (which is anything but THIS. trust me!)--s6

wish i could have your tots , napoleon!

03-23-2010, 09:11 PM

You didn't specify whether those were tater "tots" or children "tots" - and frankly this djinn is at a loss what Napoleon has to do with any of it. However, as giving you a mass amount of small children would likely result in either Dickensian levels of child labor, or an uber-creepy army of children ala "Village of the Damned," in the interests of all parties I'm sending you the potato kind.

A lifetime supply. Dumped in your living room. All at once.

I wish I knew which of these things to work on next.

03-23-2010, 09:13 PM
Granted. Use the corporate model. Do the easiest. Give the hardest to some poor sap who has too much to do anyway.

I wish I wasn't so cynical.

03-23-2010, 09:17 PM

You are perkily optimistic. Everyone now hates you.

I wish I had some poor sap to give this stuff to.

03-23-2010, 09:18 PM
granted. you are now siinikal: you still possess a sneering disbelief of all things altruistic but now you can't spell for shit. how's that for cynicism?

i wish i weren't so trusting when dealing with salespeople

03-23-2010, 09:24 PM
ooops--too slow on the keys---wishing for a poor sap to unload stuff on? in just sixteen minutes you can have Ysabel, my student aide. once a very good aide she is now in the throes of senioritis. she paints her nails on ungraded papers, texts her cousin in texas when i'm not looking and listens to the world's worst salsa music and shops for prom dresses on my computer. --s6 ps--if you look at her cross eyed she will cry

i hope boston keeps ysabel until graduation

03-23-2010, 09:31 PM

I've rented her a room in your home. I'll keep her there until she graduates from college.

As for you, AC?


You are now a little less evil. Still not good enough not to do things, but no longer so evil you can just ignore your conscience. Enjoy the guilt trip.

I wish for wings that work.

03-24-2010, 12:14 AM

Your ears have grown and sprouted feathers. They are fully functional to the extent that they allow you to cool the back of your head.

I wish I could see the future.

03-24-2010, 12:58 AM
okay--you see the future but only through the eyes of FOX news. depressing ain't it?

i wish that i could find my w-2 --s6

03-24-2010, 06:37 PM

They didn't withhold anything, and you've only just now noticed.

I wish the person who decided fitted sheets would work best if the elastic went all the way around the edges would be doomed to an eternal hell of trying to fold the @#$% things so that they come together neatly.

03-24-2010, 08:18 PM
i am so with you on that curse for the inventor of those sheety sheets! boink! we all sleep in hammocks now. the whole sheety sheet industry will go broke. serves em right! bed making will be a snap now. and no sheets to fold. i can't see any flaw in this new arrangement--once i figure out how to get my orthopedic mattress, heating pad, book and book light, bunkie cat, feather comforter, anti-stiff neck pillow and weather monitor maneuvered onto this thing--s6 say, where's my trusty tube of bio freeze? and my reading glasses?

i wish someone would invent a feather bed that fits into a brief case

03-24-2010, 08:23 PM

It's for your cat.

I had another curse/rant lined up this morning but I have since forgotten it, so I shall instead wish that the onion I intend to cut up and put on my salad doesn't make me cry.

03-24-2010, 08:35 PM
Granted. Such frivolous words in the form of a wish has made the djinn impatient. He skipped past the rest and moved to your signature. Your sheep makes him laugh. Your house is full of sheep and the fleas have taken over your fridge.

I wish six could make my next wish for me, 'cause I'm drawing a blank.

03-24-2010, 08:46 PM

You got my sheep, my fleas, and a house-full of shedding cats, dogs, and birds to go with it.

Trust me, that's what she wished for.

I wish I could open the curtains without giving myself a migraine.

03-25-2010, 06:29 AM
Granted. You see, ironically, your migraines are caused by loud noises. Put some clothes on and everyone will stop screaming.

I wish I functioned just as well with 4hrs sleep.

03-25-2010, 06:47 AM

You now get a full eight hours in only four hours! Unfortunately, those hours are between 1 and 5 p.m. Your boss soon tires of waking you up at quitting time everyday so he fires you. You now sleep 12 hours a day and only get four hours' rest.

I wish I could get my first car back.

03-25-2010, 07:27 AM
Granted. But a Hot Wheels "Mongoose" dragster doesn't get you very far.

I wish I'd seen the Grateful Dead more than once.

03-25-2010, 07:38 AM
Granted. You see the greatful dead every day. You shower with them, regardless of sex. Besides missing new bits and pieces every morning, and a lack of appetite, everything else seems quite normal.

I wish I could have one of those cheap flying cars, that require pedaling monkeys, 90% of the time, to keep them afloat.

03-28-2010, 06:50 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it takes a fortune's worth of bananas to keep the pedaling monkeys working.

I wish I had a model of Bernardini.

03-28-2010, 09:26 AM
Granted. But it's one of those cheap plastic models you have to put together yourself and the fumes from the glue cause you to pass out and miss the phone call from the radio station whose contest prize is free tickets to the Derby for the rest of your life if you can answer one simple question: What famous horse's name starts with B and ends with nardini?

I wish someone else would take the dog out.

03-28-2010, 09:29 AM
Granted. Coat hangar boy took your dog out for a walk but poeple mistook the pair for the latest fashion craze. They are now hanging somebody else's closet.

I wish I could have Frank Herbert's Pain Box.

03-28-2010, 09:45 PM
Granted, but the box got lost and you got Frank Herbert's granny instead.

I wish I could stop my kids eating my Easter Egg -- it ain't even Easter yet.

03-30-2010, 04:54 AM
Granted. You tell the kids the egg is good for them. They lose interest instantly in anything to do with the egg.

I wish I had Hari Seldon's complete writings.

03-30-2010, 06:31 AM
Granted. The wish fairy mistakes psychohistory for psychohistrionics and has you committed. You spend the rest of your life pondering how much Star Wars ripped off The Foundation series.

I wish I could make a wish that couldn't be twisted into something bad.

03-30-2010, 07:08 AM
Granted. After much hemming and hawing the Djinn has granted you that wish. He doesn't like it but he is allowing it. But it isn't this wish. Your 2 millionth wish will be granted without taint.

I wish I could have CDSinex's 2 millionth wish now.

04-01-2010, 05:15 AM
Granted. Cdsinex's wish was to provide a home for unwanted creepies. They're all on their way to your house.

I wish I had evidence of Bigfoot.

04-02-2010, 06:15 PM
Granted! Bigfoot has left a big-hand-sized dent in the hood of your shiny new car.

I wish I could make myself weightless (zero pounds) whenever I wanted.

04-02-2010, 07:59 PM
Granted. But when you do, Bigfoot kicks you like a football and you're orbitting the earth now.

I wish I could have floating rear view mirrors so that I could always see behind me.

04-02-2010, 08:21 PM

They're all aimed at your butt, though, serving as a constant reminder that you, of all people, should not have supersized that last Happy Meal and that those jeans are just not something you can pull off any more. Literally.

I wish I knew for certain I was traveling next weekend

04-02-2010, 11:52 PM

The Wish Fairy gets out a slide projector and subjects you to a 17-hour show of the slides you will take on your pending trip. The detailed sideshow makes your trip so anticlimactic that you cancel it, choosing instead to invite friends over to watch the slides with you. When you start the projector you discover the all of the slides are now blank. (After all you didn’t really go, did you?)

I wish I had a nickel for every time I sneezed in summer.

04-03-2010, 01:52 AM

They come out your nose.

I wish dinner was ready.

04-03-2010, 02:26 AM
and here it is! straight from the smith house where mom has had the flu all week. tonight annie smith is cooking. who is annie smith? she is a wealthy debutant who lives in my house and alows me to wait on her hand and foot. when i am feeling good. when i am under the weather she becomes a ministering angel. a ministering angel who could screw up dogpoop on toast OR tuna and noodles. so i am sending you my lumpy, undrained tuna and noodles and going back to bed. pray for me. i have to eat this until i die or get better--s6

i wish all the bad people in the world would get this flu

04-03-2010, 07:19 AM

You have to cater to them whilst they are sick, and clean up for them after.

I wish... lots of things. But mostly that someone I know finds a way to be happy and to get the life they want.

04-03-2010, 11:48 PM
Genie considers this unselfish wish carefully and decides that the only way this person can be happy is to make your life absolutely miserable.

I wish I hadn't left my Easter dress at home.

04-04-2010, 12:07 AM

Your, very expensive, designer Easter dress is now in the Takashimaya Department Store in Tokyo. If you want it you must fly to Japan and re-purchase it. You are still out the money from the original purchase.

I wish Easter candy was healthier.

04-04-2010, 03:08 AM

It is healthier but it tastes like dirt with a hint of that new pesticide you've been trying. The kids rebel at your Easter party and make you their pinata. They whack you, hoping you'll cough up real candy.

I with every time I posted, it would subtract one from my post count.

04-04-2010, 07:44 AM

When you reach 0, the next post blips you out of existence.

Post carefully.


I wish I had a steady income.

04-04-2010, 01:05 PM
Granted, but you just get the odd coin in a really steady jar.

I wish my kids could go five seconds without bickering.

04-04-2010, 09:11 PM

They go 5.00000000000001 seconds now. Notice the difference?

I wish Cadbury would make these caramel eggs all year long.

04-04-2010, 11:52 PM

They do. They just don't sell them.

I wish I could break Akira Harguchi's record, reciting 85,000 decimals of pi from memory.

04-05-2010, 01:14 AM

You hit 85,000 and continue going on and on. After a week your family has you committed.

I wish wishes were fishes.

04-05-2010, 03:19 PM
Granted, but they're in everybody else's pond but yours (Sorry, hun!!!)

I wish my son would get his lazy ass off the settee and do something

04-05-2010, 08:02 PM
Granted. He does do something. (And he is most pleased with himself.) Just not in the right place.

I wish there was a new form of communication that didn't require talking or thinking.

04-05-2010, 08:38 PM
Granted, you have to feel your way, but get arrested for touching someone up.

I wish someone else would cook the tea.

04-06-2010, 11:18 PM
Granted.Your worst enemy makes the tea the way you absolutely cannot stand.

04-07-2010, 12:50 AM
guess i'll have to give your wish for you komnena--

i, komnena, wish i could be a high school student again, but this time i want to be cool!

04-07-2010, 03:36 AM
Granted. Perhaps this time you'll come away with a diploma.

I wish the blizzard raging outside would last until Sunday morning!

04-07-2010, 07:34 AM
Granted. The falling snow is beautiful. As you watch it brings both calm and exhilaration. Sunday morning comes and as the flakes slowly subside you're enchanted by the beautiful new glittering landscape.

But then it hits you. You're snowed in. And all the means of communication are down. You didn't stock up like everyone said and you have little food. It's down to you and the cat. Frankly my money's on the cat. He's been stalking you since Saturday - maybe sooner.

I wish I could live a private beach for the summer.

04-07-2010, 05:07 PM
strange wish, but here you are. my sister kimmie is all set to spend the summer with you. she will start every morning by criticizing your clothing choices. then she will take over your kitchen and make you accountable for every crumb on the counter. she will supervise you as you cook and she will clean your fridge while she does it. next she will start on your garden.--in other words your own private bitch--OH? you meant beach? so sorry. gonna haff to have that hearing test. tell kimmie i said hi. she is that rather formidable gray haired high school teacher at your front door--s6

04-07-2010, 06:10 PM
fOR Shakeysix...

I wish i was in someone else's shoes for the day.

04-07-2010, 06:18 PM

You are in the President of the United State's shows.

I wish my manuscript was done

04-07-2010, 06:21 PM
Granted, but then you realised the other side needed cooking too and stuck it on for a nother few minutes so it was well-done.

I wish the holidays were over

04-07-2010, 06:31 PM
Your wish is granted but it is the weekend.

I wish I was already on vacation.

04-07-2010, 07:18 PM
Granted. You are vacationing in Siberia. Better take along some warm clothes.

I wish for a copy of Bradbury's Quicker than the Eye.

04-07-2010, 08:16 PM
just stepped downstairs and had nelda, our school librarian, do a library loan on that one for me because i don't think i've ever read it. what about your wish? wish for a less selfish genie next time.

i wish that i were the person that my mother raised me to be

04-08-2010, 07:29 PM
Granted. Your mother raised you to be the person who always cuts in line. You cut off the wrong person and get thoroughly cussed routinely.

I wish I could have a piece of spanakopita.

04-08-2010, 08:01 PM
Granted. But the cook got the ingredients mixed up. What was supposed to be spinach is green but it's oozing out of the sides and it looks like something he might've dug out of the trash bin.

I wish each cigarette would add three days to your life.

04-08-2010, 08:16 PM
that wish got my late husband where he is now--but i digress. okay--you get three more smoky, irritable, nicotine stained days for each cigarette that you smoke. soon you begin to sing like janis joplin! next you begin to look like keith richards. now you are a rock star!!! wealthy, famous, and have added centuries to your lifespan!!!! the bad news is you dress like janis joplin and look like keith richards!

i wish i could meet up with van morrison on uk singles.com

04-09-2010, 06:08 AM
Granted. You meet up with Van Morrison, who has legally changed his name from Jack Ripherr and insists you look over his large collection of insect pets before dinner.

I wish I could remember to take the library books back.

04-09-2010, 09:36 AM
Granted, but in remembering to take them back, you forget everything else, including where the library is. In the end you drive aimlessly around your city looking for the library for the rest of your life.

I wish I had a better job.

04-09-2010, 05:30 PM
since i don't know what your current job is, i have no frame of reference for better. i guess i can just give you the job i consider most desirable in the world-- gregor mendel's old job--sweet pea recorder in a monastery. allz you got to do is grow sweet peas and then keep a record of the shape and size of sweet pea seeds. no pay to speak of but you don't eat out and you wear only sack cloth and sandals--so where is the expense? and you never have to worry about dating--s6

i wish today was the first day of summer vacation

04-09-2010, 07:36 PM

But it's still only three months long. So you have to go back at the beginning of July. The weather will stay on it's usual schedule.

I wish I didn't have to go grocery shopping tonight.

04-09-2010, 07:43 PM
Granted. You get hit by a bus on the way home and end up in a full body cast, being fed intravenously.

I wish every weekend between now and mid-June would be sunny and 72 degrees.

04-09-2010, 08:40 PM
sunny and 72* to mid june--but only on the north and south poles. better grab a buddy board. i hear the surf is going to be up all the way to nebraska.

wish there was a beach in kansas

04-09-2010, 09:21 PM

*refers you to prior granted wish*

I wish I had more warm socks to wear

04-10-2010, 12:58 AM
Granted. You do. And you get an added bonus of many new feet for all those new socks. With your new body shape, you should be in the pupa form soon. I hate to think what the evil djinn hand in mind for your metamorphosis.

I wish our next move (end of May) will be relatively painless.

04-12-2010, 01:37 AM
Granted, but like all relatives, painless only stays for what he needs then bogs off pinching whatever he can get in his pockets: money, wallet, luck, happiness, ah, and that thing you were sure you'd packed but can't find now you need it... (Ah, honestly, it will go fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I wish I could grant wises and say something nice.

04-14-2010, 08:23 PM
Granted. You are allowed to praise people before ruining their wishes.

I wish I could give away my extra weight.

04-14-2010, 09:34 PM
Granted, but you can only give it to someone close to you. You are now slim, trim, svelt and sexy. Your formerly buff, hot, significant other...not so much.

I wish there was a substitute for caffeine that wakes you up without the jittery, racing heartbeat side effects.

04-16-2010, 08:42 AM
Granted. Djinn has gifted you a new handy-dandy shock collar that jolts you awake everytime you nod off. As a bonus he has given you a laminated card with a neck chain badge holder. This indemnifies you from any unusual behavior you will exhibit after months of sleep deprivation.

I wish the characters in my story could critique my work.

04-16-2010, 11:44 AM

They have critiqued your work and have resigned.

I wish that when I wake up every morning I would have breakfast served to me in bed..

04-16-2010, 05:02 PM
Granted. Hold out your hands....here's your oatmeal. Now open wide...here's your orange juice. (You didn't say HOW you wanted it served. Don't drip.)

I wish I could blow off work for the day and go join the hords of tourists who have nothing more important to do right now than choose where to go for breakfast.

04-17-2010, 05:49 AM
Granted. You join the tourists but as a group you're are a stubborn bunch. You can't decide on the right place to go and you break into factions. With all the yelling and holding up signs, name calling. The shame of it.
Palin's speaking tomorrow for Team Dennys for $100,000 plus expenses.

I wish I was at an island bar on a warm night with a mojito.

04-17-2010, 10:47 AM
Granted. But me mis-spelling a few things all the time put you OVER a bar with a knight and his mojo

I wish today was tomorrow

04-17-2010, 06:56 PM

.... in about 24 hrs.

I wish I had a better way to keep my coffee warm all the way up here in my office.

04-17-2010, 10:04 PM
Granted. There was a short circuit between the a/c and heat systems, and your office is now a constant 110 degrees. Enjoy your coffee.

I wish I had a personal chef who would decide what to fix for dinner, would do the food shopping, cooking, and cleanup afterwards.

04-19-2010, 05:34 AM
Granted. Your chef serves oatmeal for breakfast, bologna for lunch and liver for supper. There is never any break in this routine.

I wish I had been able to meet the Doolittle Raiders.

04-25-2010, 11:19 PM

While they are a *much* lesser known farm team than they're NFL counterparts, the Doolittle Raiders aren't a bad team and they're always happy to meet a fan. You will have to dress in standard Raider's fan attire, however.

I wish I actually had time to myself.

04-25-2010, 11:30 PM
Granted. The federal prison system can accommodate you. Be sure to ask for segregation.

I wish AT&T would stop calling me. From India, no less. Ironically, AT&T has the federal contract to run the "Do Not Call" system.

04-25-2010, 11:38 PM

It's now Verizon's job to call you. And each and every time they do, they ask, "Can you hear me now?"

I wish I had something sweet here at my desk.

04-26-2010, 03:43 AM

Suddenly your desk is covered with plates of pork sweetbreads. Enjoy.

I wish I had a piece of fresh from the oven peach pie. Made with wholesome normal ingredients, and baked to perfection.

04-26-2010, 08:43 PM
Granted. However, you just had all four wisdom teeth extracted so you can't eat anything solid for quite awhile yet, and the pain meds are leaving a bad aftertaste in your mouth so you wouldn't be able to taste it anyway. Your sense of smell is working perfectly though, so try to enjoy the odor of that fresh peach pie you can't eat.

I wish today was Saturday instead of Monday and I had nothing more important to do than lounge on the sofa and watch DVDs all day.

04-26-2010, 09:25 PM
Moving all those days around has confused the Djinn so he's decided to turn you into a sofa. He says the sofa is a mite bit bumpy but he's perty impressed with your DVD collection.

I wish I were three inches tall.

04-28-2010, 05:52 AM
Granted. You are three inches tall and looking up at your neighbor's aggressive cat. Better find a hiding place quick.

I wish the filly would win the Derby.

05-04-2010, 09:35 PM
okay... but what the hell a baseball team from Philadelphia wants from running around the track with a bunch of horses, i can't see. when the authorities ask me who is responsible for this mess i'm gonna have to point the finger at you k-buddy.

i wish i could type with more than one two fingers--s6

05-05-2010, 11:01 AM
Granted! Isn't it great now that you can type with 3, yes count them, 3 fingers!

I wish that it could be spring all the time.

05-08-2010, 06:38 AM
Granted. It is spring constantly. The rivers are always in flood and your basement is always flooded. Enjoy your free swimming pool.

I wish my coin jar was full of coins.

05-10-2010, 06:21 AM
Granted. It's full of pennies. You've got enough to buy a latte and a muffin from Starbucks, go crazy.

I wish someone else would do all my laundry (without overbleaching, color-bleeding or shrinkage).

05-10-2010, 08:47 AM
I wish someone else would do all my laundry (without overbleaching, color-bleeding or shrinkage).

Granted. But due to the strict constraints, they decided to play it safe and use the old-fashioned method of going down by the river and smashing it on rocks. Unfortunately, it's flood season and your laundry is now about twenty miles downstream.

I wish toilets would clean themselves.

05-10-2010, 08:58 AM
I wish toilets would clean themselves.

Granted...Your toilet cleaned itself. But it still needed something to scrub under the rim, and the only thing it could reach was your toothbrush. Ew.

I wish I had a Fountain of Chocolate Milk.

05-10-2010, 07:54 PM
Granted...It’s conveniently located in the Gulf of Mexico next to the BP oil leak. All you have to do is have BP help you pump it up. They are there anyway.

I wish the genie didn’t always spoil wishes.

05-10-2010, 08:46 PM
I wish the genie didnít always spoil wishes.

Granted. The genie has hired an assistant to do the job where your wishes are concerned. His name is the Grinch.

I wish I had a tree that would provide me with everything I require.

05-11-2010, 03:12 PM
I wish I had a tree that would provide me with everything I require.

Granted. But the tree grows to a height of 100ft the first day you have it and the only branches on it are above 80ft.

I wish there was a way to cook food faster than a microwave.

05-11-2010, 08:53 PM
Granted. Here's a blow torch. I hope you like the taste of charcoal, because it only has one setting.

I wish I had one of those food machines like they have on Star Trek, where you tell it what food you want, and seconds later, it's there.

05-11-2010, 11:36 PM
Granted. But earthlings have not mastered the development of such a machine, so yours was imported from an asteroid inhabited by beings who have. Sadly, they do not speak English, and when programming the machine, used the online urban dictionary for meanings. You'd better not order nuts.

I wish I would do something useful instead of spending my time thinking up wishes for a genie.

05-12-2010, 02:27 PM
I wish I would do something useful instead of spending my time thinking up wishes for a genie.

Granted. The National Herbology Research Agency has hired you to watch grass grow.

I wish I could make a great discovery.

05-12-2010, 09:16 PM
I wish I could make a great discovery.

Granted. Tomorrow morning, you'll discover a great big wart on the side of your nose.

Gah! About 18 inches of snow in the past two days, and it's still bllizzarding outside. I wish this snow would just friggin' stop until September, at least.

05-12-2010, 09:27 PM
Granted. The snow has stopped, but the temperature will stay below freezing through August, so none of it will melt. Have fun making angels, and remember, never eat the yellow stuff.

I wish I were thirty again, but with the knowledge and experience I have today.

05-13-2010, 05:04 AM
Granted: You are learned (lear-ned adj.) and wise beyond your 30-years. You are also homeless, and completely broke. Sorry

I wish I wasn't so mean.

05-13-2010, 05:08 PM
I wish I wasn't so mean.

Granted. You are kind and understanding. You are generous to everyone you meet. You seek out those less fortunate than yourself and put their needs before your own. You are so eager to help others that when a gentleman approaches you with a plan to save the world, you turn your bank account, your house, and all your earthly possessions over to him, which explains why you now live in a cardboard box.

I wish I had a villa on the Riviera.

05-13-2010, 05:19 PM
Granted. It's beautiful, has been customized to meet your every need, and the weather is always perfect. Unfortunately, your name is just one letter off from that of a suspected terrorist, so you've been put on the No Fly list. But your friends and family said they'll send lots of pictures, so it'll be almost like you're there with them. Really.

I wish my office had good coffee, instead of what they actually have, which is really, really bad.

05-14-2010, 07:42 AM
Granted: Your new office is the drive-thru window at Starbucks. You now make $9 dollars an hour, plus tips, and make really great coffee.

I wish I had more time to do what I want.

05-14-2010, 11:09 PM
Granted. You now have no friends or family to take up your spare time. Enjoy your lonely existence.

I wish I knew if Super Saver was going to win the Triple Crown.

05-16-2010, 03:38 AM
Granted. Those who have the inside scoop on this sort of thing are going to tell you, but it's one of those "If we tell you, we'll have to shoot you" deals. Bummer.

I wish I could sue Hollywood for damages every time I waste good money on a movie like "Valentine's Day."

05-16-2010, 05:31 AM
Granted. The judge makes you give all the money to film schools so kids can make their coming of age movies...with lots and lots of character.

And then you have to watch them. :)

I wish I had HD TV.

05-17-2010, 04:00 AM
Granted. You have HD Tv. Unfortunately the HD stands for High Damage. You only get to watch the shopping channels.

I wish there would be a Triple Crown winner next year.

05-28-2010, 06:40 PM

Though, on the day of the Belmont, in what turns out to be the most spectacular finish in a horse race *ever*, you don't get to watch it. You set your DVR. You avoid the news, the tv, and the newspaper in an effort not to have the outcome spoiled before you get a chance to watch it.

And just as you finally sit down, remote at the ready... in walks your soon to be least favorite friend/relative who says, "Man, can you believe X won?"

I wish I could evict my house guests without resorting to killing them.

05-28-2010, 06:52 PM
Granted. Your house floods and your house guests have no choice but to seek other accommodations. So do you.

I wish the empty bottles would take themselves to the recycling bin.

05-28-2010, 06:54 PM
Granted. The Health Department has declared your house unfit for human habitation, so they've evicted your guests for you. Along with you and your family.

I wish I was at the beach right now, with good weather, and no hurricanes approaching.

05-28-2010, 07:49 PM
I wish the empty bottles would take themselves to the recycling bin.


*hums The Sorcerer's Apprentice*

'nuff said.


I wish I was at the beach right now, with good weather, and no hurricanes approaching.


Welcome to the South Georgia Islands. Weather is clear, no hurricanes, and look, a beach. I'm sure the penguins will share

Having done double duty, I wish I had more black olives for my lunch

05-29-2010, 12:21 AM
Granted. Due to some kind of mix up, your wish passed through the misquote thread and the Djinn got "I wish I had kuato lives over for lunch." Your friend is now residing in the back of your neck, where he oggles all who pass by.

I wish I had a new type of sauce that you can sprinkle on food and make everything taste like french fries.

05-29-2010, 12:31 AM

It also gives everything the calories, fat, and salt of french fries.

... I wish I had some french fries

05-29-2010, 02:21 AM

They were cooked a month ago. The Genie has rescued them from the trash can and put them on your plate.

I wish the government would ask my opinion before it makes important decisions.

05-31-2010, 05:48 AM
Granted: The President sends you to Afghanistan so that you may voice your opinion to the government.

I wish we could get three sunny days in-a-row.

05-31-2010, 08:46 PM
three sunny days in a row--unforunately you must spend them in a Louis Lamour western--staked to a red ant hill by your scheming apache scouts. oh--and those french fries of slcboston's ? they are in your back pocket;

i wish i could spend an afternoon sipping tea with lewis carrol

06-01-2010, 12:58 AM
Granted: You take a nap, only to wake up in Lewis Carrol's coffin. You light a match and discover a lovely sterling-silver English tea set. Enjoy.

I wish I had something better to do.

06-01-2010, 09:00 PM
you are cordially invited to st. john, kansas, pop. somewhere around 1,100. ( the illegals are kind of hard to pin down for a serious head count.) the town is hopping today. they are having a grand opening down at the dollar general store, serving up hot dogs and orange soda on the parking lot. it would be a whole lot more festive if there was a tree within five blocks of the store but hey, where we would we plant the alfalfa if there were trees? anyway, i've already been to the dollar general so call me when you get to town. i'll be mulching down my vegetable garden. got two new bales of straw and i want to get it down before the temp gets over 95 and the dust starts to blow. they say we might be in for a little rain this evening--too bad a tornado usually comes with it this time of year. --s6 ps--ifffen the weenies at the dollar general look a little overboiled i'll take you down to paco's place for a taco dee lengua and a lukewarm beer (the cooler is on the fritz again)--my treat.

i wish more folks would visit scenic western kansas

06-02-2010, 05:33 AM
Granted. The Kentucky Derby changes its name and moves to Kansas. On the first Saturday in May your town is swamped with 200,000 visitors.

I wish sugar free chocolate didn't melt so fast.

06-02-2010, 11:58 PM
Granted. The Kentucky Derby changes its name and moves to Kansas. On the first Saturday in May your town is swamped with 200,000 visitors.

I wish sugar free chocolate didn't melt so fast.

Granted. The new, improved sugar free chocolate does not melt. It also, doesn't digest. Eating chocolate now results in emergency abdominal surgery. But, America's obesity epidemic has been curbed slightly. So, you're welcome.

I wish I wasn't batshit crazy.

06-05-2010, 04:29 PM
Granted. You are bull goose loon crazy.

I wish they had not changed songs for the Belmont.

06-11-2010, 10:48 AM
Granted. They played Sinatra's "New York, New York" at the race's new location: Chicago.

I wish they would figure out a way to make a computer completely immune to viruses.

06-11-2010, 10:58 AM
Granted, but they're now susceptible(yes, I spelled it wrong. It's 11:50 PM. Shush.) to bacteria. Enjoy getting festering file infections and having to stay up all night with your computer, rocking it to sleep and giving it chicken soup.

I much my papers were already typed up.

06-11-2010, 11:04 AM
Granted. But they have been infected by that same bacteria and not even chicken soup is helping.

I wish my programs would write themselves, so I could finally get some sleep.

06-11-2010, 05:47 PM

Skynet, anyone?

*hums theme from The Terminator*

I wish some places weren't so far away.

06-11-2010, 08:54 PM
Granted. But you twist the fabric of space, which turns you into Mr. Stretch. I guess it ain't all bad.

I wish sea monkeys were real.

06-12-2010, 04:25 AM
They are. They're called brine shrimp and guppies eat them.

If you're talking about the stereotypical fishmen, though: granted. They've come onto the shore and have taken over the world. Not with their magic tridents or superior technology (which they both have), but through cunning market manipulation and brainwashing. They own Sea World, Disney, Nickelodean and are in talks to take over Cartoon Network and have a deal with McDonalds.

I wish there were more original Stargate episodes.

06-13-2010, 08:59 AM
Granted more original Stargate episodes only if you watch them underwater in shark infested waters off the coast of an uncharted island.

Wish for USA to win the soccer cup.

06-15-2010, 06:27 AM
Granted. The Brit fans promptly attack them but a company of Marines drive them off. Huge international incident leads to the breaking of relations between Britain and America. BP seizes the moment to divest itself of its American holdings and all debts thereof.
I wish all the oil in the oceans would disappear.

06-15-2010, 10:14 PM
Granted, although, you won't be getting any Omega-3 with that next helping of Tuna. I hope you don't mind.

I wish I had some ruby slippers and a flying house.

06-15-2010, 10:40 PM
Granted. The shoes look so nice with your striped stockings. As for your house...heads up.
P.S. If that bitch Dorothy steals your shoes, don't worry, your sister will go after her for you.

I wish I didn't have a terminal case of procrastination so I could actually get some work done.

06-15-2010, 10:55 PM
Granted. You're so inspired to get to work that you develop a serious crack addiction so you don't have to 'procrastinate' by sleeping anymore...

I wish I could stop drinking soda.

Ms. Jem
06-16-2010, 06:00 AM
Granted. You hate soda and never drink it again.

However, you now have an unatural obsession which causes you to spend your lunch hour at the groccery store in front of the Coca-Cola display, running your fingers along the cool, fluted bottles...

I wish for another weekend day, I'd call it Third-day!

06-16-2010, 06:22 AM
Granted. However, there are still 5 weekdays, weeks are now 8 days long, and the calendar year has an extra 52 days added to it. However, the seasons are still the same, and in about 10-15 years, Halloween will be hot and humid and all the candy will melt, there will never be snow on Christmas, and the day after the last day of school will be hit by a snowstorm. The kids are really pissed.

I wish I'd bought brownies for the school party instead of agreeing to bake them.

06-16-2010, 10:58 AM
Granted. You did, but the djinn put a couple of extry ingredients. On the plus side ya'll had a real good time.

I wish I could skip Thursday and Friday and move straight to the weekend.

06-16-2010, 07:39 PM

Thursday was the day you would have won a trip around the world in an Internet game, and Friday was the day you would have won the lottery.

I wish I had a time machine.

06-17-2010, 05:11 AM
Granted. Unfortunately its only setting is for Alamagordo, New Mexico on July 16,1945.