View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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04-03-2006, 03:24 AM
Granted, here's a remote control that does just as you asked. Unfortunately, your significant other grabs to change the channel and accidently brings you back to the Big Bang.

I wish I had a cadre of flying squirrels that would slay my foes on command.

04-03-2006, 03:44 AM
You do. Unfortunately, they filled your house, basement to attic, with green acorns just before the SWAT team came and killed them all off, riddling your car with bullet holes in the process.

I wish I was as beautiful as Cate Blanchett.

Danger Jane
04-03-2006, 03:48 AM
Granted. You are--on the inside. On the outside you are covered in hideous, plate-sized boils. Inner beauty trumps all.......

I wish I had a loophole-free wish.

04-03-2006, 03:50 AM
Granted. Hope you enjoyed it.

I wish everybody here got along.

04-03-2006, 04:53 AM
Granted. They're all united in hating you.

I wish I could keep the dog we're petsitting.

04-03-2006, 12:44 PM
Granted. But they've taken everything you own to replace the dog.

I wish I could watch video/tv shows/read book forever

04-03-2006, 06:14 PM
POOF!!! that Guy from TV has come to your house and built you a 5 million dollar home theatre room, complete with all electronics and the latest most update equipment that was previewed at the home show last week. You have a mint copy of every dvd and video ever produced, Sattelite and Cable TV. Three computers, a laptop controller, streaming music, satellite radio, this is a dream come true down to the perfect comfortable chair you are sitting in.

But you have all of this because you now weigh 1,378 lbs and no one expects you to be able to move out of that chair, or even the room for the rest of your life.

I wish I could strut in heels like Sharon Stone!

04-03-2006, 06:18 PM

(really struggling for a downside here)


Now, no one takes you seriously as a writer because you're so hot.

(Sheesh. NEXT!)

I wish I would go to bed when it's time.

04-03-2006, 08:44 PM
Granted, but you always find Richard Simmons there waiting for you (just for cuddling, mind you.)

I wish I had more discipline.

04-03-2006, 08:53 PM
Granted. Richard Simmons is coming after you with a whip.

I wish I was fishing.

04-04-2006, 12:45 AM
Granted. But you don't catch anything. Oh, and the lake is dry. So really you're sitting in the middle of a rather damp muddy patch of ground. Filled with rotting fish. But hey! At least you're not working.

I wish Haggis's avatar didn't have the same basic colors as mine. I keep getting confused.

Danger Jane
04-04-2006, 04:10 AM
Granted. Your avatar doesn't exist.

I wish I had more orange soda to drink and a rotisserie chicken.

04-04-2006, 04:25 AM
Granted, but the orange soda is warm and the chicken is frozen.

I wish I'd get good news.

04-04-2006, 04:32 AM
Granted. THe meteor won't hit your house until about...four, three, two, one...

I wish I could travel into the past.

04-04-2006, 04:50 AM
Granted. Next stop, Pleistocene era! All out!

I wish I could control my drinking.

04-04-2006, 06:20 AM
Granted, but now you can't control everthing else

I wish good things were forever

04-04-2006, 06:28 AM
Granted, but you're only going to live ten more minutes. Enjoy it while you can!

I wish Friday would hurry up and get here.

04-04-2006, 06:34 AM
Granted. You work double-shift weekends.

I wish I enjoyed disappointments.

04-04-2006, 07:03 AM
Granted. But nothing disappoints you now.

I wish I'd seen the look on Matt's face when my friend asked if he knew anyone she could have a threesome with.

04-04-2006, 07:05 AM
Granted. Hi, Matt.

(Wait. That didn't work. Oh, forget it. Here's a mirror.)

I wish I had that post back again.

04-04-2006, 07:27 AM
Granted. You work double-shift weekends.

I wish I enjoyed disappointments.
It's dark outside except for pinpoint light
Why a little gold tooth lost in a fight
I'll duck outside pick it up from the street
Stomp on it once and lay it at your feet

-- Richard Hell

04-04-2006, 06:39 PM
Granted. You do..But wait, your'e disappointed, so you don't, but that cheers you up, so you do, but now you are dissappointed that you do..so you don't. But you do so you are glowing with happiness, but that depresses you so you are disappointed, again, but the Dr. gives you a mood enhancing drug, so you are happy, and that dispppoints you and you are sad. So you kill the Dr, and you are happy, but that dissapoints you so you turn yourself in and you are sad, but they give you more mood drugs and..........

I wish they would make a movie in which Bambi gets ahold of a gun shop in Idaho and....

04-04-2006, 06:43 PM
Granted--but Bambi runs wild in the forest and shoots Thumper in cold blood.

I wish I had a wish...

04-05-2006, 01:03 AM
You do. But you forgot what it was. Just as well because it would've had a loophole resulting in something very nasty, so you decide not to bother with it.

I wish my 3 dogs were brilliant and could learn to type intelligently so they could each write one of my 3 papers that are due soon, and which I should be working on instead of this....

04-05-2006, 01:39 AM
Granted - but they graduate instead of you.

I wish I had more money.

04-05-2006, 04:37 AM
Done. Here's a quarter.

I wish I understood American politics well enough to change it.

04-05-2006, 04:40 AM
Granted, you understand politics perfectly. Unfortunately, in order to change it, you'll have to work within the guidelines of the way they are now, & that will eventually undermine your entire attempt.

I wish I had some chocolate.

04-05-2006, 04:54 AM
Granted. Year's supply of Ex-Lax.

I wish music really were the international language.

04-05-2006, 05:20 AM
granted. But it's all stolen and the police are looking for you. Better hide... apparently you killed a bunch of people to get that money.

I wish I didn't have to make hard decisions.

04-05-2006, 05:40 AM
Granted. You are declared legally insane & someone else will be making your decisions for you.

I wish I knew which wish Jewel was granting.

04-05-2006, 06:19 AM
Granted--the wish for more money by arrowqueen. But now she's a fugitive and you're her accomplice.

I wish I had no bills.

04-05-2006, 06:21 AM
Granted. You're a mutant duck.

I wish I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

04-05-2006, 06:24 AM
Granted. But you have no landing control so crashing back down might hurt a bit.

I wish I had a milkshake right now.

04-05-2006, 06:26 AM
Here's the one I've had in my freezer for a couple months. Hated to throw it away, you know.

I wish everything would go the way I want it to.

04-05-2006, 11:10 AM
Granted, but there's a fork on every road.

I wish I were a fish.

04-05-2006, 11:51 AM
Granted. Now you can have fun trying to find the ocean on your own.

I wish I had wings.

04-05-2006, 11:53 AM
Granted. You're a cockroach.

I wish we were improving the environment, not destroying it.

04-05-2006, 06:57 PM
Mother Nature agreed. Unfortunately she's hired those people from Extreme Makeover to do the job. They're repainting the trees fuscia and using beige grass.

I wish my cat would come when I called her.

04-05-2006, 07:21 PM
She does. Right this second! But now you are the size of a beenie baby, you smell like catnip and she remembers the time you bathed her. . . .I wish my company would hire a consultant I can't intimidate as easily.

04-06-2006, 06:19 AM
Granted. They've hired the Devil. And relocated to Hell. But hey, at least he's hard to intimidate!

I wish the riots in France would arrete as I'm going there on Friday.

04-06-2006, 06:24 AM
Granted. The Vichy government is back in power. Pack your German phrasebook.

I wish the Golden Rule were a law.

04-06-2006, 09:35 AM
Done, but Murphy's law must also be enforced without fail.

I wish I knew how to go to bed on time.

04-06-2006, 08:25 PM
Poof! Your bed is now a big round ( soft) clock. The second hand is very annoying, though......

I wish satan would stop piling.............stuff........on my desk.

04-06-2006, 09:22 PM
Granted. But, now that there's an empty spot, that guy who thinks he's Orlando Bloom comes and sits on your desk and hits on you.

I wish I would finish all the writings I've started.

04-06-2006, 10:22 PM
Granted. You write "The End" on all of them. Finished!

I wish I could take an African Safari.

04-06-2006, 10:53 PM
Poof! You're a giraffe; but all the trees are dying of global warming.I wish I were having dinner with John Travolta.

Nicholson James
04-06-2006, 11:40 PM
Granted. However, John died trying to slip his *** back into his Saturday Night Fever suit, and is at present decomposing in your soup.

I wish I was Jim Morrison.

04-07-2006, 01:18 AM
you are. you're just someone who has the same name, is a nobody, and can't sing for ****. You try to pick up girls using your name but they all think you are a loser.

I wish that really hot guy who comes to my cafe to ask me out.

04-07-2006, 04:29 AM
Sure, he asks you to go out... with his creepy friend who licks his lips whenever he sees you.

I wish I had a personal chef.

04-07-2006, 04:30 AM
Granted. But he's really a quite manly girl.

I wish it was tomorrow.

04-07-2006, 04:37 AM
Granted, but it's also yesterday.

I wish my favorite pair of slippers weren't near death.

Nicholson James
04-07-2006, 04:46 AM
Granted. They're in your closet now.

I wish I could start a fight club.

04-07-2006, 06:19 AM
Hey, no problem. Your fight club has been started and you are the punching bag.

I wish that I had enough time in the day to finish writing all my projects.

04-07-2006, 06:58 AM
Sure, I'll triple the hours in a day for ya, but you can only use a wax pencil to write and stack of 1" post-it notes for paper.

I wish I knew how to speak Spanish.

04-07-2006, 07:04 AM
Granted. You live in Iceland.

I wish I had a bigger house.

04-07-2006, 07:42 AM
Granted, it's ten stories and covers ten square miles. There are no elevators. There are no bathrooms. And you can't remember where you left the remote.

I wish Hollywood would make better movies.

04-07-2006, 09:23 AM
They do. But now it takes them so long to make one, they only come out every two years or so. They're so great that all the independent filmmakers give up trying to make better ones, and Hollywood goes bankrupt making so few movies, so no movies are made by anyone at all. The entire American economy is turned upside down, and thousands, maybe millions, of people are out of work. And it's all your fault.


I wish I could become an astronaut, discover a new planet, go there, and communicate with the intelligent species there.

04-07-2006, 09:30 AM
Granted. Choose one:
1) "You make me so very angry!"
2) "Brain the size of a planet, and this is what I get?"

I wish MTV would actually show music videos. Of good music.
to dream the impossible dream...

Nicholson James
04-07-2006, 09:57 AM
Granted. But now we're back a couple decades, and MTV no longer exists. It was one or the other, buddy.

I wish the Swedish Academy gave me the Nobel Prize in Literature before anything of mine is published -- just because they're so darn sure that it'll happen anyway.

04-07-2006, 10:42 AM
Granted, and you won't have to work for it either. :D

I wish I were a cat.

04-07-2006, 06:04 PM
Bam! You're a cat! But your species went extinct millions of years ago. Maybe you couldn't eat with those huge fangs...

I wish I were 25 years younger.

04-07-2006, 06:06 PM
Granted! You are now a huge beautiful white tiger in the prime of your life......in a small cage behind the rusty doublewide , next to the hound dogs, around the barn from the aligator pen at the end of the dirt road off the gravel road off the single lane road that leads to route 5 outside of Perdition Oklahoma.......

I wish I had bought those pretty blue glass plates I saw at Target when I was Christmas shopping....

04-07-2006, 08:48 PM
Granted and Granted.

Paint, the last 25 years of your life have been erased. Unfortunately, you still look and feel the same as you do now.

Jay, those blue glass plates you bought turn out to be contact lenses for an ancient Ch'thulu-like monster. He wants them back! Luckily, now he can't see and is terrorizing your neighbors instead.

I wish I could control the weather.

04-07-2006, 09:54 PM
Wish granted. Those were REAL magic beans you ate and all you have to do is concentrate and ......

I wish my fall out shelter were stronger.

04-08-2006, 12:12 AM
Granted. But now there are no windows, the door is welded shut, and air can't get in. Have fun!

I wish my flight had not been delayed. Aarrrrgh!

Nicholson James
04-08-2006, 12:38 AM
Granted. But now your destination has been pushed back several thousand miles. :)

I wish I could dance well.

04-08-2006, 01:04 AM
Granted. But to maintain that perfection for over a few days you have to practice eight hours a day. Muhahaha!

I wish I had a wish worth wishing for.

04-08-2006, 01:09 AM
Ka-Pow! He's on his way, and he is every bit as good as he looks. However you will have to support him.

I wish all my Xs were in Texas.

04-08-2006, 02:39 AM
They are. But so are you.

I wish I owned a tropical island.

04-08-2006, 11:45 AM
You do. It's full of cannibals.

I wish I'd win the nobel prize for literature.

04-09-2006, 12:07 AM
Granted but it has been awarded posthumously your <insert name of least favorite relative here> is taking credit for being your ghost writer.

I wish I hadn't gone to Seattle last week.

Nicholson James
04-09-2006, 12:48 AM
Granted. Seattle has just changed its name to Where the Sun Don't Shine.

I wish the Pittsburgh Steelers will win this upcoming Superbowl.

04-09-2006, 01:34 AM
They will but no one can see it for all the commercials and a four hour half time show.

I wish I hadn't worn tight jeans today.

04-09-2006, 02:13 AM
Granted. You didn't so you've now been arrested for indecent exposure.

I wish I didn't need to do housework.

04-09-2006, 02:33 AM
Granted. You're living in your car.

I wish I'd get an acceptance call from a real publisher

04-09-2006, 07:26 AM
Granted. But the print comes out wrong some how and they can't afford to re print all those copies, so all the messed up copies are trashed and you are left with nothing. Muhahaha!

I wish my book would be made into a movie.

Nicholson James
04-09-2006, 08:57 AM
Sure thing. But it's directed by Uwe Boll, and it starts Ben Affleck. And only Ben Affleck.

I wish I could run like Forrest Gump.

04-09-2006, 09:24 AM
Congrats! You now have his speed. And IQ.

I wish my tummy ache would go away.

04-09-2006, 10:15 PM
Granted but only after you've been hurling for an hour.

I wish someone else would give all 3 of my dogs a bath, for free.

04-10-2006, 09:11 PM
Sure thing, Okey dokey. I love wet dogs more than I love wet cats...Whoo hooo!!!!!!!! But I HAVE to have William Shatner and Arnold Swarzeneggar singing 'Donny and Marie' songs while I do it, and you need to stick around to make sure they have lemonade.

I wish the clothes thay made for 13 year old girls did not make said girls look like cheap strip club sluts!

04-11-2006, 07:48 AM
Granted, they now look like high-priced hookers.

I wish I knew what to do with myself.

04-11-2006, 08:41 AM
Granted. You know exactly what to do with yourself... you just can't do it.

I wish I could get my chores done in 10 minutes.

04-11-2006, 10:44 AM
Granted, because you're now homeless.

I wish I had a bowl of popcorn.

04-11-2006, 06:58 PM
Granted. But it is covered in thick, blue-green acrylic.

I wish they made sheets of 'post it notes' that would go through the computer and printer so I could be really annoying at work. (I mean -really really...)

04-11-2006, 11:14 PM
You use the Post-It notes and become really, really annoying at work. They move your desk to a tiny, unlit closet accessible through a dank basement infested with toothy rodents. They lock the door from the outside and promise to return at lunchtime. In the closet, you light a match and discover a skeleton leaning against a wall. The skeleton has nearly human proportions but looks very tall and not quite symmetrical. Green light shines from one eye socket, orange light from the other. You try to remember the procedure for filing a grievance with OSHA. The skeleton speaks...

I wish I were more imaginative.

04-12-2006, 05:39 AM
Granted. You are now delusional. Everywhere you look, samurai penguin in scarlet tutus crawl around chanting, “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, Dona nobis pacem.” This, of course, is during your more lucid moments.

I wish I were a snazzy dresser.

04-12-2006, 08:06 AM
Poof! You are a snazzy dresser made from the finest hardwoods. You have four full-width drawers, two half-width drawers, tasteful brass handles, and a beveled mirror. You spend your life in a furniture store's front window until fire breaks out.

I wish cheap puns didn't tempt me so much.

04-12-2006, 12:31 PM
granted. cheap puns are a thing of the past, now you spend all your money on exquisite expensive ones.

i wish that made more sense than it did

04-12-2006, 07:59 PM
Well, it did to me. Of course, you should stop posting messages to imaginary people.

I wish someone from one of those home makeover shows would pimp my house.

04-12-2006, 11:55 PM
Granted but the guest decorator is Paul Rubens.

I wish I could visit my best friend.

04-13-2006, 01:21 AM
Whoops! Evil genie made a boo-boo. You are visiting my best friend! But no problem she ends up being your best friend too. Ahh life is good for you...

I wish I were standing in a meadow of wildflowers watching a herd of mustangs.

04-13-2006, 10:09 AM
Are you sure? Okay. It's your wish, but you might want to run because that herd of mustangs doesn't like being watched. Now they're coming straight for you.

I wish that whiney people had mute buttons on their foreheads.

04-13-2006, 10:22 AM
Granted. *PRESS* You can't talk. (You mean nobody told you?...)

I wish people would learn from their mistakes.

04-13-2006, 11:09 AM
Granted. People study their mistakes and, being perverse, learn to make mistakes that are bigger and more damaging. A positive feedback cycle ensues. Mistakes become gigantic and destroy the world.

I wish I could sing opera.

04-13-2006, 11:17 AM
Your wish is my command, dahling.

But you can only sing it from your anus.

I wish my roomy'd keel over.

04-13-2006, 06:09 PM
As you watch his eyes roll up and he keels right over, falling on the eggplant and chilli pepper soufle you made to take to your mother's 50th Birthday Party.

I wish I hadn't went out with that guy, nice; but you know, not weird enough.

04-13-2006, 07:05 PM
Granted. But he still wants to go out with you so now, everyday, you find lacy 'Hello Kitty' panties stuffed in boxes of half eaten chocolate, stuffed in your mailbox and he has now purchased the unit right across the street from you.

I wish you would scratch my back...right there...no there..ahhh now over and to the left a bit....now up an inch....

04-13-2006, 08:32 PM
Granted. Hours later, you realize the backscratcher I've been using is a permanent marker. Do you like abstract art tattoos?

I wish people would stop throwing garbage at me. It's not very nice.

04-13-2006, 09:51 PM
Granted. Hours later, you realize the backscratcher I've been using is a permanent marker. Do you like abstract art tattoos?

I wish people would stop throwing garbage at me. It's not very nice.

Granted. They're now throwing you at garbage.

I wish I had already lost the ten pounds I'm trying to lose.

04-13-2006, 10:59 PM
Granted. I removed your brain. It was really quite heavy. You're welcome.

I wish I could eat pizza every single day for my entire life and never gain an ounce.

04-14-2006, 12:59 AM
Okay, you have explosive diarrhea. No weight can stay on you.

I wish I had a black and chrome Hummer.

04-14-2006, 05:42 AM
Granted, but only because you throw up after every pie

you do. but the doors are locked and you don't have the keys

I wish I could get an A in my sociology class

04-14-2006, 06:00 AM
You get an "A" with a personal note from your teacher, asking for a date.

I wish I didn't have to clean the house tomorrow.

04-14-2006, 07:45 AM
Fine. You don't have to clean the house tomorrow, but you have to clean it the following day... and every day after that.

I wish I had a chocolate factory.

04-14-2006, 01:48 PM
granted, it is enormous, and has taken over your home and everything that is dear to you has been destroyed by the sheer size of this chocolate factory...

and the chocolate doesn't taste very nice.

i wish that this wish won't be turned against me.

04-14-2006, 05:01 PM
Granted. But no one else gets any more wishes. You'll be popular.

I wish this wish wouldn't be granted.

04-14-2006, 05:13 PM
Fine. I won't grant your wish, but none of your other wishes will be granted. Ever.

I wish I could read a book (no matter its length) in 30 minutes.

04-14-2006, 06:33 PM

But then you won't remember a word of it.

I wish I could get all my odd jobs around the house completed.

04-14-2006, 06:45 PM
granted, but you lose your real job

04-14-2006, 08:29 PM
I wish Godfather hadn't forgotten to post his wish :(

04-14-2006, 09:00 PM
Granted. But he posted it in invisible text

I wish them stupid road working people won't be creating traffic, there's already enough from that stupid highschool

04-14-2006, 09:36 PM
You get your wish: From now on, everyone has to walk to eveywhere they want to go. Just see how many bananas you'll get for your morning cereal NOW! HAH!

I wish there were self-cleaning gutters on my roof.

04-14-2006, 10:40 PM
POOF!!! All of the butcher's assistants in your state, you know the ones who clean the guts out of the carcasses, are on your roof, nekkid, bathing.

I wish that I could occasionally think normal thoughts.
(No she doesn't, that's stupid.)

04-14-2006, 10:56 PM
Fine! but then you would be incredibly boring.

I wish it didn't take me so long to get over rejection.

04-14-2006, 10:57 PM
Granted, but then they are simply not exciting.

I wish a lovely, delicious meal would appear before me.

Later: oops - this was actually for Jaycinth's post!

04-15-2006, 12:11 AM
Paint - Granted. It now takes you three seconds to get over rejection, but it takes you a year to believe someone when they say you (or your work) has been accepted.

electric.avenue - Granted. Here's a lovely, delicious meal. Just don't make us wait too long before you appear.

I wish the things in my office were organized.

04-15-2006, 01:05 AM
Granted, but your name is no longer on the door -- FIRED.

I wish that I had a Coke and a smile.

04-15-2006, 01:36 AM
Here's some coke, and the cops smiling.................

I wish I was a monk.


04-15-2006, 02:21 AM
Granted, but your life is now an ascetic one of fasting and meditation.

I wish I had more energy.

04-15-2006, 02:22 AM
Granted, you are a chipmunk

I wish I was on the Simpsons

04-15-2006, 05:33 AM
You are on Howard and Dolores Simpson, a retired couple who live in Junction Corners, Iowa. Their grandson is calling the police to report that you crashed through their roof and landed on them while they were watching TV. "Send the paramedics," he says. "Hurry."

I wish the old brass doorknobs in my house didn't need polishing.

04-15-2006, 06:42 AM
Granted. Your doorknobs are made of wax.

I wish I had done more revisions to Rain today instead of wasting time.

04-15-2006, 06:51 AM
You did more revisions, but you inadvertently changed the protagonist's name, hair color, occupation, sex, age, and nationality on random pages. Now you'll never find those places.

I wish I could keep chickens in my yard for fresh eggs.

04-15-2006, 07:24 AM
Granted but they are the size of SUVs and you've run out of places to scoop the poop (ewwwwwww!).

I wish my husband would finish the rennovations on our house (after all it's been 3 years!).

04-15-2006, 05:52 PM
Hey threedog! Of course your wish is granted! However in his effort to make your house firesafe and save on insurance, he used a metal roof. He hurried a little too much and it peeled off in sections in the last wind storm and is now downtown. It landed on the local police station.

I wish I hadn't dyed my fingers along with the Easter eggs last night.

04-15-2006, 06:47 PM
granted, you dyed the rest of you.

i wish i was a saxophone virtuoso

04-15-2006, 10:12 PM
Granted. You now can play better than Stan Getz ever could. However, your instrument is four inches long, made of pink plastic and you can only play "Three Blind Mice." Have you cleared that with ASCAP?

I wish I could have free round-trip air fare to Europe.

04-15-2006, 11:56 PM
Granted, It's on the Hindengberg II.

I wish that every hour was happy hour.

04-16-2006, 05:11 AM
granted. However, only the first second od each hour is happy the rest are depressing.

I wish My screen wasn't upside down

04-16-2006, 05:44 AM
Granted. Now you're standing on your head, and it's right-side-up to you.

I wish I was a genius.

04-16-2006, 06:05 AM
You're a genius. You'll never laugh at another joke, because you think fast enough to anticipate all the punchlines.

I wish I had a hundred-foot chain of solid gold paper clips.

04-16-2006, 09:21 AM
Granted, but you must forever wear them wrapped around you (kinda like Marley's Ghost).

I wish I were as smart as Sherlock Holmes.

04-16-2006, 09:54 AM
You are. But he's a fictional character, so now you are too and no longer exist except on paper. But you're a brilliant fake crime solver!

I wish I weren't so shy in class and that I always had something clever to contribute.

A. Hamilton
04-16-2006, 10:12 AM
you get brave during class one day, and speak so profoundly that you gain international acclaim, papparazzi included..which throws you into such a state of discomfort you go completely nuts anad have to be locked away. sorry you asked?

i wish i could transfer my thoughts directly to my keyboard as fast as i think them.

04-16-2006, 11:32 AM
Granted, the only one that will take your work is PA:) .

I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner.

04-16-2006, 10:05 PM
Granted. Someone bites you. You are devoured and then excreted. It is not fun.

I wish it were Christmas.

04-16-2006, 10:24 PM
Your wish is granted. From now on it will be Christmas every day, with fake Santa Clauses going ho ho ho at the mall and your credit card maxed out and too many plum puddings under your belt. You have constant heartburn and indigestion.

I wish there were no scam artists in the world and that you could take business people at their word.

04-17-2006, 10:05 AM
Granted. You're in the Twilight Zone.

I wish I could run five miles a day.

04-17-2006, 10:17 AM
You're a cute little hamster with your very own running wheel.

I wish I knew a wish that couldn't be ruined.

A. Hamilton
04-17-2006, 10:28 AM
you do decide on the perfect wish, one that no one can twist, but before you can spit it out, your computer catches on fire, and then your house, and you have to use your wish for a new place.

i wish i could travel through time.

04-17-2006, 12:57 PM
You can travel through time. Right through to the day the earth drops to sub-sub-sub zero temperatures because the sun died, and now every living thing will freeze. And, as always, your time-travel machine seems to be malfunctioning....

I wish I didn't have to pull an all-nighter tonight. :cry: :sleepy:

04-17-2006, 01:19 PM
You don't. The sun has died and soon everything will be frozen. Don't worry about deadlines; build a big fire.

My wife wants a tomato red Volvo V70XC. I don't. I want to find the battery charger for my camera.

04-17-2006, 01:51 PM
granted, but your camera got destroyed in the process

i wish i could sing, very very well.

04-17-2006, 02:52 PM
You can, but only during full moon.

I wish I could sleep....

04-17-2006, 03:10 PM
You are now Rip Van Winkle. Maybe you'll wake up before the next millennia?

I wish my soul mate - still single, mind you - would magically show up at my door, professing his love for me.

04-17-2006, 05:36 PM
granted, he's the image of the hunchback of notre dame, and cant speak, it takes him half an hour to walk 10 metres.

i wish i could speak italian and english fluently

04-17-2006, 08:43 PM
POOF!! You are now a very sophisticated and VERY expensive of Berlitz languarge school voice recognition/translation software.


I wish I could afford to employ a snazzy butler that although snooty, would be happy to give me excellent foot rubs every night.

A. Hamilton
04-17-2006, 09:28 PM
you find this amazing foot-rubbing butler, however your S.O. walks in mid-rub and assumes the worse, kicking you out and cutting off your share of the money, and keeps the butler!

i wish i could play music by ear.

Nicholson James
04-17-2006, 10:32 PM
Granted! But Ear's a very hostile musician, and if he catches you playing his music, he'll take you to court and unleash his paralegal hounds.

I wish I could have any books I want brought to me at any moment's notice.

04-17-2006, 11:09 PM
Granted. The librarian at your prison always delivers for lifers.

I wish I could play a musical instrument.

04-18-2006, 02:02 AM
Granted. You're a kazoo virtuoso.

I wish I had a big backyard.

04-18-2006, 02:23 AM
You do. You've shrunk, just like the kids in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids." You're the size of an insect, and your backyard is relatively huge.

04-18-2006, 04:55 AM
That's it, no more wishes?

Oh well, game over.

I wish that the wish game was started again.

04-18-2006, 05:00 AM
Your wish is granted...
Okay, we get to play evil genies.
I'll make a wish.
The next person grants the wish but corrupts it somehow. Then he or she posts a new wish for the next person to corrupt. And so on.

ME: I wish I had Spiderman's powers.

NEXT PERSON: Granted, but you now have four extra arms and an appetite for flies. I wish I were immortal.

NEXT PERSON: Granted, you're stuck in suspended animation forever. I wish I were taller.

Alright, for real...
I wish I had a best-selling novel.
Never ask a mime for directions.

1/20 Rejection Pledge
0/2 Acceptance Pledge

04-18-2006, 05:03 AM
Granted. But you shouldn't have tried to submit Huckleberry Finn as your own work.

I wish I could control hair growth with mind power.

04-18-2006, 05:55 AM
You can. But now it's turned a crappy shade of gray overnight, and wiry like a bottlebrush.

I wish the dental floss didn't get stuck between my teeth.

04-18-2006, 06:06 AM
Ok. Now you only have two teeth. One on top and one on the bottom. Floss away!

I wish I had a three day weekend this week.

The Commatose Kidd
04-18-2006, 10:20 AM
granted- the in-laws are coming for a visit.

i wish i was famous.

04-18-2006, 10:29 AM
Granted. You're a guest on the next Jerry Springer show.

I wish I had a better job.

04-18-2006, 11:33 AM
Granted! It's in Iraq, and you have lost your passport so cannot get out.

I wish I were the president of my country.

04-18-2006, 12:36 PM
granted, you are now the president of your country, voted in with ALL the votes.
unfortunately the mafia have taken over and you no longer hold any power, and if you do anything wrong yo get 'whacked'

i wish that my girl trouble would sort itself out
(hey man, chicks dig poets)

04-18-2006, 05:41 PM
It has. Right now, they are all in love with each other.

I wish my rat wasn't sick and I wouldn't have to take her to the doctor today.

04-18-2006, 06:26 PM
Your rat isn't sick. It is pregnant and giving birth as we type!

I wish the exchange rates all over the world would stay exactly where they are right now for 2 days. ( Is that too much to ask...2 miserable days?)

04-18-2006, 08:30 PM
granted, the exchange rate stays the EXACT same,

meanwhile, the rest of civilisation collapses.

i wish that she liked me back (although, i dont know whether or not she does)

04-18-2006, 08:54 PM
Granted. She likes you. But she's not "in like" with you.

I wish I had Willie Wonka's chocolate factory (did someone already wish for this?)

04-18-2006, 09:03 PM
Granted. But your dad is still a dentist, and he's still hounding you about cavities. Plus, you're diabetic and can't eat any of the chocolate you make.

I wish my phone was working again.

04-18-2006, 11:56 PM
Granted, but somehow your phone number got posted all over the web, and now you keep getting very annoying phone calls from people trying to sell you stuff, etc, etc, etc.

I wish that my very nice neighbours would stop tapping on my door about very trivial stuff when I am madly trying to concentrate on work.

The Commatose Kidd
04-19-2006, 12:51 AM
granted- now they are knocking on your windows.

i wish i could read really fast.

04-19-2006, 02:19 AM
Granted, but now you speak really slow. Really... reallly... slow.

I wish people would stop talking to me about the excruciating minutia of their existence.

04-19-2006, 05:32 AM
Granted - nobody will talk to you at all .............ever again.

I wish my husband would hurry up and go back to work.

04-19-2006, 05:38 AM
Granted. Now he works away from home months at a time.

I wish I knew what to wish for.

04-19-2006, 05:42 AM
Granted. But you have just used your one wish.

I wish Annabella would get another wish.

04-19-2006, 05:44 AM
Granted, but it will be twisted in some way.

I wish I was done working.

04-19-2006, 08:11 AM
Sure. You're done working, but whenever you don't work you must exercise to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round."

I wish I had a personal assistant.

04-19-2006, 10:24 AM
Granted, but the madly efficient, super controlling PA completely takes over your life for you.

04-19-2006, 11:39 AM
I wish electric.avenue would wish something.

04-19-2006, 12:07 PM
Granted, only I'm not telling you what it is!

Seriously though, sorry for having forgotten... so here's my next wish:

I wish it would stop raining!

04-19-2006, 01:37 PM
granted, now its just hailstones.

I wish I knew where to find everything i want to buy, and that i had enough money for them.

04-19-2006, 03:48 PM
Granted. However, you're busted at Customs returning with the goods. You've spent the cash, the purchases are confiscated, and you need a good lawyer.

I wish I had the means to quit my job and write for pleasure.

04-19-2006, 06:16 PM
Granted. Michael Jackson has just signed you to a 10 year-$79,000. Euro per year contract to write sonnets for his new chimp..."Pleasure".

I wish that Vulcans ( like Mr. Spock) really existed and that they had a kick a$$ bar on the boardwalk where we could hang out and get 'jiggy wit it'.

04-19-2006, 09:39 PM
You got it. Vulcans take things literally so they are kicking your a** all over the bar.

I wish my son would get a job and pay rent.

04-19-2006, 09:47 PM
Your son gets a job as a counterfeiter and pays rent in homemade $100 bills to his new landlord, a corrupt politician, until they both get caught at it.

I wish my computer screen were free of annoying dust and lint particles that gleam in reflected sunlight.

04-19-2006, 10:43 PM
POOF. Your computer screen is now in deep intergalactic space on the other side of the Crab nebula. But your hard drive and keyboard are still on your desk.

I wish they made nice comfortable sexy shoes for women with wide feet larger than a size 9 wide that I didn't have to drive across town to the 'Drag Queen' store to buy.

( I apologize if I have offended anyone by my mention of either the Crab Nebula or Drag Queens.)( Oh yeah, and shoes.)

04-19-2006, 11:01 PM
They do, but that Drag Queen from the Crab Nebula is using her size 12 extra-wide spiked heeled shoes to do you in.

I wish I had the money to go visit CC in Banff.

The Black Knight
04-20-2006, 05:38 AM
You now have a crate of gold. But he is there no longer, as I have slain him.

I wish for armor with a rear hatch.

04-20-2006, 05:49 AM
Granted. But you have no front hatch. And you have to wear it permanently.

I wish I had a lifetime supply of witty comments for every situation.

04-20-2006, 05:53 AM
Granted. But only you will understand them.

With a big swish swish, I wish for fish with my Ish Wish Dish.

04-20-2006, 07:51 AM
a fish with a wish in it's gullet...
I am yours

I wish that a friend would not have to die a horrible death...
I may be too late

04-20-2006, 08:48 PM
Not sure how to respond to that, other than I hope you're not too late either.

I wish people would stop poking me in the head. :poke:

04-20-2006, 09:07 PM
Your wish is granted. You are now at the World Conference for Near -Sighted Proctologists.

I wish I had a grilled cheddar cheese sandwich made with Cabot white cheddar on oatmeal bread, fried with a tad of butter. And a cup of Cream of Tomato soup, but with not too much cream, a real pickle barrel dill pickle, sliced lenghth wise and a flute of the good champagne, if you please...now hurry!

04-20-2006, 09:17 PM
Granted, I have created all that for you and placed it at the top of the Eiffel Tower, you just have to go and get it - now hurry!

I wish my partner would stop playing computer games and do a bit more work around the house.

04-20-2006, 09:26 PM
Granted. But your partner is now constantly nagging you to more work around the house.

I wish that I was in top physical condition.

04-20-2006, 09:27 PM
Your wish is granted. Now you can't find anything and he/she polished the kitchen floor with furnature polish.

I wish I were on the Survivor Exile Island show.

04-20-2006, 10:54 PM
Granted and granted.

Janet - you now look like Arnold back in his Conan days. You can see all the cool veins in your arms and legs. Tip top physical condition though!

Paint - you are now on the Survivor Exile Island show. Don't know much about it since I don't watch it, but I imagine you would now be eating some kind of insect you found and are now roasting it for a delicious meal. And since being on the show, you thought it would be great if you were the new Richard, so you've stripped since Day 1 and haven't seen your clothes since. And you realize you don't like being away from everyone you know and want to go home, so you whine a lot, and all your whiny moments and none of your good ones are broadcast to the world so all the people back home can't stand you anymore and wish you'd stay on Exile Island for a very long time. Sounds like fun!

I wish I could have a professional decision-maker which/who would make all the right decisions for me.

04-20-2006, 10:59 PM
Granted. Now sit down, shut up and give me your check book.

I wish that Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley would replace Condoleeza Rice, Dick Cheny and George W. Bush. In that order.

04-21-2006, 12:48 AM
Granted, but then you have to watch all three politicians trying to perform magic spells, fly broomsticks, etc. Definitely an improvement though.

I wish that the central heating in our house would function properly. I turn the thermostat right down, but then it takes it into its head to heat the house up like a furnace.

04-21-2006, 03:25 AM
Granted. But now the central air is broken, and only comes on (full blast) in the winter.

I wish it was August, so I could go to the beach.

04-21-2006, 03:29 AM
Granted. But it rains everyday.

I wish I wasn't alone tonight-I'm in the mood for a night out.

04-21-2006, 03:49 AM
Granted, but your company is a dog who only wants a walk in the park. But hey, you'll still get the night out!

I wish I had real talent!

04-21-2006, 12:12 PM
granted, your ability to can fruit in a factory is brilliant!

i wish i had every blues record there is

04-21-2006, 02:26 PM
Granted, but then your sound system gets stolen, so you have nothing to play them on.

I wish exercising was interesting. I don't mind the effort, it's just that it's sooooo boring...

04-21-2006, 02:33 PM
granted. You're being chased by starved tigers.

I wish clothing didn't wear out.

04-21-2006, 04:16 PM
Granted, but then it just goes out of fashion anyway.

I wish that tonight's dinner would cook itself.

04-21-2006, 04:30 PM
granted but the dinner got so hungry cooking that it ate itself too.

I wish I could clean my bathroom.

04-21-2006, 04:43 PM
granted. When people visit you, they're so impressed with the bathroom, they congregate there.

I wish I'd known at a younger age that I wanted to write.

04-21-2006, 04:53 PM
Granted. But you didn't get to have all the experiences that you're now writing about.You don't have anything to write about.

I wish that I would get an acceptance telephone call from a legitimate publisher, today.

04-21-2006, 05:18 PM
Granted, but you are out when the phone rings, the answering service doesn't work, and you forgot your mobile/cellphone.

I wish that my house was a bit tidier.

04-21-2006, 05:36 PM
Granted. Somebody breaks into your house and steals all your furniture and other possessions. How can it be messy when there's nothing left inside?

04-21-2006, 05:53 PM
I wish that you had made a wish...

04-21-2006, 06:14 PM
Granted. But it's a wish that's so cheesy that it makes you want to puke.

I wish that everybody on the boards here at AW would land a literary contract that honours their knowledge, experience and skills.

04-21-2006, 07:06 PM
Granted, but then everybody became so busy with success that they all forgot to post here and the forum was shut down.

I wish I could meet William Shakespeare in person.

04-21-2006, 07:55 PM
You get your wish, but William is a zombie now and can't talk or write.

I wish I had a chocolate creme pie for lunch.

04-21-2006, 08:24 PM
GRANTED! but they made the pie around a lucious cheesecake, and you couldn't stop eating it so you've just consumed 4,000 wonderful delicious creamy scrumptious yummy calories and you are craving more!

I wish.....( Oh this is embarassing) but I wish that ...(psssssssst psssst psssst psssssst pssssst pssst, and that pssst pssssssst pssssst psssssst pssssst psssst) Ok?

04-21-2006, 08:46 PM
Granted, but you've been arrested for doing it in public.

I wish I had written 4,000 words today

04-21-2006, 08:51 PM
Granted, but they're all the same word: "Eskimo."

I wish this weekend will be wonderful.

04-21-2006, 08:55 PM
Granted. But on Monday, we get the biggest snowstorm in 20 years.

I wish that on Monday we do not get the biggest snowstorm in 20 years

04-21-2006, 10:13 PM
Granted. You get the biggest snowstorm in half a century.

I wish I could finish my current piece on nuclear power.

04-21-2006, 10:25 PM
Granted. But you find out that it's seriously outdated. In the time that it took you to finish off the final draft, a million new developments have transpired.

I wish that I'd get inspired to write today

04-21-2006, 10:46 PM
Granted, but then your computer breaks down, every pen and pencil in the house won't work, you can't find any paper, you are troubled by trivial emergencies, several friends drop in on you, and by the time you get some free time to yourself again .... You've long forgotten what it was you were going to write.

I wish for a basket of organic fruit and nuts.

04-21-2006, 10:54 PM
Granted. For communtiy service you are escorting three complete nut cases around the city so they can get used to being around people, again. The folks at the halfway house were so happy for your help, they've given you a basket of organic fruit.

I wish George Bush would replace Howie Mandel on "Deal or No Deal"

04-21-2006, 11:08 PM
Your wish is granted. 26 terrorists bring in suitcases of money and give them to George, not the contestant.

I wish my sister would come and visit.

04-21-2006, 11:38 PM
Granted. You have a perfect spiritual and loving visit. Sorry, I couldn't mess this one up.

I wish that I hadn't spent the whole day on AW, instead of writing.

04-22-2006, 08:28 AM
Granted. You spent the whole day surfing for pictures of Donald Trump's hair, instead of writing.

I wish I would eat healthier.

04-22-2006, 09:37 AM
Granted, but all you get to eat is insipid food--boiled, without sugar or salt.

I wish I would be more regular with updating my writing blog.

04-22-2006, 09:41 AM
Granted. You add one word every 17 minutes, day and night.

I wish for world peace and a small bag of peanut M&Ms.

04-22-2006, 07:00 PM
Your wish is my command. World peace, no humans. Chocolate Peanut m&ms a distant memory, already consumed.

I wish I could stop writing poetry and get to work on my book.

04-22-2006, 07:14 PM
Granted. But all you can write in your book is poetry.

I wish that I could decide which parts of my WIP get to stay and which parts have to go.

04-22-2006, 07:16 PM
Now you can. You just really, really don't want to.

I wish I could control weather like Thor, the god of Thunder.

04-22-2006, 07:22 PM
Granted, but all you can control is rain, and now there is a draught.

I wish that all of you will have an inspired and accomplished writing day today.

04-22-2006, 07:46 PM
We will but none of it will be anything we actually planned on writing.

I wish that I could become a respected author

04-22-2006, 07:57 PM
Zap. You are now a respected author. Or rather, you are an author who is respected -- not for your writing, but for your graceful and courtly manners. Soon you invoke Martha Stewart's jealous ire... watch your back, there's a few tricks she learned in prison.

I wish I had a cute mystery-solving dog.

A. Hamilton
04-22-2006, 08:05 PM
poof! not only is your dog cute, but it can solve the most complicated cases. this gains him much popularity and prestige and someone kidnaps him for an extravagant ransom..which you can't afford to pay..and without the dog around to help, the police never solve the crime. hope they're feeding him well...

i wish i could get pedicures every week.

04-22-2006, 09:07 PM
Granted. But you have to get them from a rather odd foot fetish guy.

I wish that coffee didn't give me heartburn.

04-22-2006, 09:25 PM
Granted - you never ever drink another cup of coffee. You develop a taste for tea instead.

I wish for a home cinema system, and a lovely big room with comfy sofas to put it in. Oh, and lots of popcorn and ice-cream - Haagen Dazs.

04-22-2006, 10:55 PM
Granted. All of those things instantly land on your neighbour's doorstep and you get to enjoy them vicariously - via the window.

I wish that we lived in a just world.

04-22-2006, 11:04 PM
No problem. Poof!

[Curtain falls; curtain rises]

I kind of like it here in our little ant farm, don't you? Except I keep getting sand in my teeth, and I've lost the directions to my home tunnel.

I wish more of my incoming calls were from friends instead of telemarketers.

04-22-2006, 11:14 PM
Granted, they just all happen to be hang up calls.

I wish I was obscenely wealthy

04-23-2006, 08:13 PM
Poof. But you're also obscenely detested by everybody around you who are obscenely jealous of you.

I wish it wasn't raining right now.

04-24-2006, 05:07 AM
Granted. You know live in a desert that gets rain two days per year.

I wish my plants weren't dying :cry:

04-24-2006, 05:09 AM
Granted. (cue music from Little Shop of Horrors)

I wish my inspiration and my free time would arrive on the same schedule.

special needs
04-24-2006, 05:33 AM
Granted...but you're also going to lose your job to allow for this...

I wish Tom Brady would marry me and take me on a 5 year honey moon to the Bahamas, or something.

04-24-2006, 06:05 AM
Granted but you're bored after the first week and you still have four years and fifty one weeks until you can leave.

I wish that I had read a different piece in my writing group today

04-24-2006, 08:36 AM
Granted, but your writing group now wishes you had suck with your original choice http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/tongue.gif

I wish I would get to sleep at a decent hour.

04-24-2006, 11:07 AM
Granted, but your writing group now wishes you had suck with your original choice http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/tongue.gif

I wish I would get to sleep at a decent hour.

You do, unfortunately you can't wake up now.

I wish my love triangle would work out in a way that everyone is happy and no one gets their heart broken.

04-24-2006, 02:05 PM
Granted. But you're so happy now, that your face hurts from smiling too much.

I wish that I didn't have to go in to work on days when I wake up at 3 am, can't sleep then write til 6 or 7.

04-24-2006, 07:19 PM
Granted. You have a wonderful new job doing customer service at the call in desk from 8 pm to 3 am. Since the Chinese customers stop calling about 2 am, you can sleep until 3.

I wish for either a wonderful breakfast or a terrific lunch!

04-24-2006, 08:12 PM
Granted. You enjoy the most delish brunch. But since it happened to be a bit heavy, you have a terrible case of upset stomach.

I wish we had some rains here to get some respite from this scorching summer sun.

04-24-2006, 09:44 PM
You have three weeks of very light but constant drizzle. Since the sun is still shining above the clouds it is humid and your hair is frizy and the drugstore just ran out of your favorie frizz control formula so now you are forced to saty inside in the A/C to keep your hairstyle nice. ( I'm sorry that wasn't nice, you are in New Dehli. When it rains in hot summer in DC, you get....blankets of humidity and a bad hair day is my only trick. I'm a bad genie))

I wish Paint's eyes were sparkly like Dawno's ears.

04-24-2006, 11:22 PM
granted, Paint gets sparkly eyes but Dawno's ears are going dull.

I wish I had a bottomless wine glass.

04-25-2006, 01:18 AM
Granted - now all your wine runs through onto the table and you are forced to suck it up with a straw.

I wish I had an indoor swimming pool.