View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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03-06-2008, 07:10 AM
i am sending it off to you today! be careful, it is old and heavy--handtyped on a pyka. it is titled " the summer of 1968" --my semi-autobiographical first novel. i am so happy you are so eager to finish reading it. no one has ever read past the first 22 pages but me. and to tell you the truth, i am not so crazy about it, anymore either. but it is yours. all yours. don't bother telling me how much you loved it and how much promise i show and in forty years you will get back to me. it is all scrawled on the 26th page right under the teardrops.

wish i could find a taker for my second draft

03-06-2008, 10:10 AM

Nymtoc Literary Associates will take your second draft. Forward your MS to me at once, together with a money order or certified check for $10,000 (to cover postage and handling) and I promise that your book will shoot to the top of the NY Times best-seller list.


I wish I knew enough about magic spells to make agents swoon over my 20th draft.

03-06-2008, 05:32 PM
Granted. You are now a master wizard with an arsenal of magic spells at your command, including this surefire incantation:

Hocus pocus
Agents focus
On my draft
On my draft
Number twenty!

The spell works like a charm, unfortunately you forgot to specify the type of draft you meant, and the agents' attention is drawn instead to your twentieth draft beer of the day, sealing your reputation as yet another writer with a drinking problem.

I wish that I could implant a tiny keyboard in my brain to record my thoughts and express them perfectly.

03-06-2008, 05:47 PM
Granted. You are now a master wizard with an arsenal of magic spells at your command, including this surefire incantation:

Hocus pocus
Agents focus
On my draft
On my draft
Number twenty!

The spell works like a charm, unfortunately you forgot to specify the type of draft you meant, and the agents' attention is drawn instead to your twentieth draft beer of the day, sealing your reputation as yet another writer with a drinking problem.

I wish that I could implant a tiny keyboard in my brain to record my thoughts and express them perfectly.

The IT fairy grants your wish, but the censors ban three quarters of said thoughts due to their total lack of vision and eventually the thoughts come so thick and fast, the keyboard explodes with FATAL ERROR flashing on its screen.

I wish I could improve my memory.

Jenan Mac
03-06-2008, 10:44 PM
Your memory improves, but you've lost the filter and you are now doomed to hearing your internal iPod forever looping "Afternoon Delight".

...find my baby, gonna hold her tight....


Okay then, I wish I had time to go to the beach.

03-07-2008, 03:13 AM
You find all the time in the world to go to the beach, on Mars, where the whole planet is full of red sand, sans cabana boys, no little drinks with the umbrellas in them, and no oxygen to speak of.

I wish the cat would stop shedding on my keyboard.

03-07-2008, 03:32 AM
Granted. The cat now sheds on your kitchen table.
I wish to finish the three pages I have upped my daily quota to.

03-07-2008, 03:44 AM
You finish the three pages, over and over again, trying white paper, pink paper, chartruse, plaid, you keep changing ink colors, use chocolate syrup, wasabi on bamboo and other outre combinations, never satisfied with the way it looks.

I wish someone would wash the car.

Jenan Mac
03-07-2008, 06:06 AM
Those nice boys from the neighborhood...er...social club...picked it up, washed it, and are returning it. To someone else's house.

I wish I had a faster internet connection.

03-07-2008, 06:34 AM
Granted. You now have a such a fast internet connection that you spend all your spare time surfing the net and you never get anything written.
I wish all the spiderwebs would magically disappear from my cellar.

Expanding Ink
03-07-2008, 06:45 AM
Granted. They're now in your bedroom :D.

I wish someone would do all my laundry for me.

03-07-2008, 05:37 PM
Granted. A handsome, well-groomed man shows up to do your laundry at no cost. He even offers to fold and press. You are thrilled, until you see him doing the ironing while he's wearing your bra and panties.

I wish that I could learn to bark in perfect pitch, so that my dog would always understand me.

03-07-2008, 08:00 PM
even better--i am sending you to the university of australia so you can study dingo. and then to university juarez where you will major in chihuahua. next it is to the u of rhodesia, where you can study ridgeback and basenji. you, woof, will be the first professor emeritus of woof! you will work for the united nations traveling the world to translate and elucidate the canine languages. and you can take time to pee on all the trees of the world! but watch out for the co-eds. they are real bitches.

i wish that our cafeteria was serving something more appetizing than frito chili pie

Jenan Mac
03-07-2008, 08:26 PM
They're serving a fresh vegetable and seafood buffet, plus prime angus beef carving station, with a dessert bar to die for.
Unfortunately, you arrrive right behind the guy who never washes his hands, and doesn't use utensils.
Oh, and did I mention he has the flu?

I wish I could get another cat.

03-07-2008, 11:08 PM
Granted. Pity you're deathly allergic now.

I wish I no longer needed sleep.

03-08-2008, 07:09 AM
Granted. A mad scientist puts your brain in a robot body but hey, you have several hundred years to get your books published.
I wish commercials would stop repeating themselves every few seconds.

03-08-2008, 07:43 PM
okay--in a maddening techno breakthrough commercials now repeat you! yes, tiny recorders pick up your muttered musings and play them back to you in smarmy commercial announcer voices mocking your previous weeks purchases:

"why didn't i buy the fat free dressing? my ass looks like the sofa in these slacks!"

"If i had spent the extra on the expensive cat food i would not be playing hopscotch with furballs."

stuff like that----ain't technology grand?

wish they would invent anti-hairball catfoood

03-09-2008, 12:47 AM
Granted. It sells for fifty dollars a bag.
I wish I could meet King Arthur.

03-09-2008, 02:34 AM
You do meet King Arthur, since you're the backup for Modred and Morgan LaFey and you hate the cuckcold king, his slutty wife, and the BF, holier than thou Lanceypants and you can't wait to take 'em down!

I wish I could convince Cleopatra to fuggedabout the frikin' Romans and RULE damnit!

03-09-2008, 02:45 AM
Cleopatra does forget about the Romans and rules until they send a massive force in and utterly conquer all Egypt.
I wish I had the editing skills I'm going to need now.

03-09-2008, 03:07 AM
You edit like a pro, become addicted to correcting EVERYTHING and leave off writing what you love to tidy up everyone else's pile of dreck.
(I need someone like you! :} )

I wish the furkin' snap-close thingy didn't always catch my finger when I seal off the bread bag--OW!

03-09-2008, 06:27 AM
KaPlowie! Yer fingers are gone.

I wish I could find the case for my Redbox DVD...

Jenan Mac
03-09-2008, 06:37 AM
You found it! Unfortunately, someone else's red lace thong is stuffed into it, which will cause someone no end of explaining.

I wish it would snow here.

03-09-2008, 05:36 PM
POOF! You have 20' of snow today and it just keeps getting higher.

I wish we wouldn't have these damned dust clouds.

03-09-2008, 06:52 PM
Granted. Instead you have forty inches of snow. You really miss the dust clouds.
I wish I didn't feel lost now that I have the storyline set down and printed out.

Jenan Mac
03-10-2008, 09:25 PM
Granted! You're not lost, because you've just realized your story is identical to The Princess Bride, except with mimes.

I wish my kid would clean her room.

03-10-2008, 09:49 PM
Granted. He/She cleans his/her room. In fact, your child does everything you ask from now on, without comment, or complaint. You've crushed your child's spirit, like a jackboot stepping on the face of mankind, forever.

I wish I'd known then what I know now.

03-11-2008, 05:00 PM
Granted. You make a whole new series of mistakes which make things far worse.

I wish I spoke Greek.

03-11-2008, 05:25 PM
Granted. However, I am a jerk.

I wish Komnena didn't speak greek.

03-11-2008, 07:10 PM
Granted, watching Komnena's lips move and nothing comes out, must be the peanut butter.

Wish I knew what the heck Kurlumbenus meant!

03-11-2008, 07:21 PM
Granted. You now know that I had granted Komnena's wish only to counter it with my own, hence being a jerk. Unfortunately, your granting of my wish has something to do with Komnena's mouth and peanut butter, creating some kind of weird circular paradox because it actually ended up granting my wish without directly addressing it.

I wish you hadn't done that.

03-11-2008, 08:43 PM
Uh, granted, not quite, lol, lemme restate: I wish I knew what does the word: kurlumbenus mean?

03-11-2008, 08:51 PM
kurlumbenus is of course the latinization of kurlumb--an archaic polish surname meaning crow nephew... oh, wait. i thought this was the "define this weird word" thread. sorry---s6

03-13-2008, 04:17 AM
I wish my mouth wasn't full of very sticky peanut butter.

03-13-2008, 04:24 AM
This is the first wish I ever granted before it was asked! It must have been answered, otherwise you would have said: I wit ma mout wahint fuh ah erry tiggy pean budda.

I wish I could invent something incredible.

03-13-2008, 04:27 AM
Granted: You invent an incredible super virus, but you drop the test tube and there's a mass pandemic and the entire world population dies!

I wish I could turn into any animal I want at will.

03-13-2008, 04:44 AM
Granted. You turn into a hawk but can't turn back. Advise staying away from golf courses.

I wish the test tube hadn't dropped and made me a ghost.

03-14-2008, 02:00 AM
Granted, you have complete immunity, no one else does and you roam the world, avoiding the undead flesh-eating zombies while trying to find a beta reader.

I wish I wasn't an undead flesh-eating zombie :}

03-14-2008, 02:36 AM
Granted. You are instead a beta reader condemned to read every word I write.
I wish the undead flesh eating zombies would take a permanent vacation on Mars.

03-14-2008, 03:32 AM
Er granted, Mars becomes Botany Bay with pina coladas for undead flesh eating zombies who drink heavily because there's no one to eat until they discover the Face on Mars, and the rest of it too...

All the horses wish Komnena would make up her mind whom she loves best so they can get down to the serious business of snoozing while standing up.

03-14-2008, 03:42 AM
Granted. It is Bernardini who is my favorite.
I wish he wasn't going to Australia for the summer.

03-14-2008, 03:44 AM
I wish he wasn't going to Australia for the summer.

Granted. Instead, he's going to the Moon for a year.

I wish I had a 64 inch plasma tv.

03-14-2008, 03:53 AM
okay you have 64 inch plasma. going to get kind of crowded there in your veins and arteries. maybe you'd better wish for 64 inch platelets or 22 inch corpuscles or --oh--you meant a television set? wow-- i guess i'd better read the wishes more closely from now on---s6

i wish that i could play zuma without my students noticing

03-14-2008, 04:07 AM
Granted. Your students are too busy texting to notice anything you do.
I wish Bernardini was back from the Moon.

03-14-2008, 06:40 PM
Bernardini is back from the moon and has given up racing for zero-gee ballet.
I wish that the open windows would let in the fresh air and block out all the noise.

03-14-2008, 06:48 PM
Granted. However, you now fail to hear the neighbors shouting that your house is on fire. They have to break your door down and you barely escape with your life and WIP.
I wish I could see the Bernardini ballet.

03-14-2008, 10:42 PM
Granted, though they've fired all the original dancers and hired first year drama students.

I wish for more wishes!

03-14-2008, 11:35 PM
poof, the wishes flood upon you drowing you in their race for attention and you have no more need for wishes.

I wish I had some really good topped off nachoes

03-15-2008, 05:50 AM
Granted. Unfortunately they are topped off with some really good foxglove.
I wish St. Patrick's wasn't a national holiday in my neighborhood.

03-15-2008, 10:47 AM

There will be no wearin' o' the green where you live. But March 17 is not just St. Patrick's Day. It's also Camp Fire Boys and Girls Founders Day, and some 20,000 youngsters are going to pour into your neighborhood to pitch tents, build bonfires, play games and pound on your door until you answer it, whereupon they will serenade you with endless choruses of "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."


I wish I knew what happened before the Big Bang.

03-16-2008, 12:11 AM
Granted. You now know that what proceeded the Big Bang was the Big Yawn. And before that, and even bigger yawn. This discovery shatters any sense of awe you may have had about the universe and its origins. Consequently, your imagination dries up and you become an accountant.

Can the history of the natural world be explained by Creation or Evolution?

03-16-2008, 02:18 AM
What a puerile question! The natural history of the world is the result of a bet between a crazed toymaker and an evil tortoise. The toymaker bet there would be a logical world and the tortoise--speaking very slowly--bet that there wouldn't be any world at all, only an illusion of a world. If you can't figure out whether the toymaker or the tortoise won, you don't deserve an answer to your question.


I wish I could turn base metal into gold.

03-16-2008, 03:27 AM
Granted. Every metal you touch turns to gold. You make a small fortune before you make so much gold it loses its value. But not to worry. You write a book about your experiences. Although you die broke, your book never goes out of print.
I wish I had an unlimited supply of caffeine.

03-16-2008, 04:48 AM
Granted, the air only you breathe fills you with that caffeinated glow, much like Three Mile Island, keeping you unbearably perky and dangerous for anyone else who can't keep up with your canary-in-a-blender speed of thought.

I wish I could sleep late.

03-16-2008, 05:07 AM
Granted.While you are sleeping late I in my caffeine-supplied energy have written twenty perfect manuscripts and am on ten bestseller lists. Enjoy your beauty sleep.
I wish horses could fly.

03-16-2008, 05:56 PM
Granted. Horses now fly (or pick up where Pegasus left off). You are out walking when you spot a flying horse overhead. He mistakes you for a former cruel owner and discharges a pile of recycled oats onto your head.

I wish that horses would replace most of the cars jamming city streets.

03-16-2008, 06:55 PM
Granted. The streets are now very messy.
I wish I had a seahorse.

03-16-2008, 08:31 PM

You have acquired a male seahorse, and--as you probably know--in that species the males give birth. Your pregnant seahorse is now giving birth to 200 baby seahorses, which are escaping from your small aquarium and finding homes in your sinks, bathtubs, toilets and all other places containing water. What is more, your original seahorse was subjected to radiation during a nuclear bomb test and is morphing into a 25-foot-tall giant, as are all his offspring. The seahorses have taken over your house and have begun galloping through your community. Soon they will take over the world.

(Well, look, I watched a 1950's sci-fi movie last night--with giant lobsters and all that BS--and I couldn't resist.)


I wish I could write a series of books as successful as the Harry Potter series.

03-16-2008, 08:39 PM
Granted. You've just written a series of books, seven, in fact, that are as successful as the Harry Potter series. The main character, Larry Potter, is an orphan who finds out that he is a wizard and goes off to a school called Pigwarts. J.K Rowling is sueing you for plagiarism - a suit which you lose and despite having given millions of children around the world the pleasure of reading a fascinating and adventurous tale of a young wizard. You now lay rotting in a debtor's prison that was reinstituted especially for you and paid for out of J.K Rowling's loose change she kept in the ashtray of her car.

I wish I was Irish and could wear green.

03-16-2008, 09:09 PM
Granted. You now live in a neighborhood with five Irish bars. Parking is hell on St. Paddy's but everybody in the neighborhood is officially listed as Irish, for who else would live in such a neighborhood?
I wish I could do my shopping tomorrow instead of having to hoard my parking place at home.

03-17-2008, 06:44 AM
Granted. The internet. Of course, by "accidentally" clicking on a porn site, you are bombarded for the rest of your natural existence by junk email promising you a larger penis, dates with a sexy girl who wants you tonight and promises of viagra without a prescription. Oh, if only they knew you peed sitting down.

I wish my kids would wipe their heinies better after going number 2.

03-17-2008, 10:16 PM
Grant they wipe in exquisite strokes with your current WIP.

I wish all porn sites made their owner's comps die.

03-20-2008, 04:34 PM
Granted, But little did you know, somebody in your house hold hosted a porn site... on your computer.

i wish for this wish to be incorruptible

03-21-2008, 03:39 AM
The wish is incorruptible, but you just wasted away to dustmite size.
I wish people wouldn't try to wiggle out of their just desserts. (evil laughter!)

03-21-2008, 07:13 AM
okay so now everyone is mired down in a giant dessert. yours, dear heron, is a double helping of giant balled tapioca in the always popular horehound flavor. gm has a weight watcher's tofu custard w/ bean sprouts (two) and nymtoc is in carrot flavored jello--w/ whipped cream. parkinson has a double fudge brownie pudding prepared by her non heinie swiping young uns and komnena has a spotted dick. oh and woof's treat is a dead armadillo baked alaska. mine is a vanilla malt. i am swimming my way to the top--s6

i wish that i could buy gas in a time machine set on 1968!

03-21-2008, 12:43 PM

You can buy gasoline at 27 cents per gallon!

Of course, now that you are back in 1968, other changes are inevitable. On May 15 an outbreak of severe thunderstorms will roar through Iowa, Arkansas and Kansas, producing tornadoes that will destroy many houses, including yours. You will become homeless and will wander the streets for many weeks before finding shelter. Naturally your car will be a wreck, so as it turns out you won't have much need for that gasoline.


I wish I could walk through walls.

03-21-2008, 06:32 PM
well nymtoc, i am blinking you to western kansas to live with me this summer. with tornado season just heating up, looks like you could be walking through walls very soon. AND since non-ag jobs are hard to come by i am signing you up as a substitute teacher in my high school (our last one was taken away in chains just the day before spring break). the pay is 50$ a day and all the copenhagen and girly mags you confiscate---s6

i wish spring break would last another week--without the help of a tornado--s6

03-21-2008, 06:57 PM
Spring breaks--right through the middle of Kansas with winter on either side trying to come back :}

I wish people would have silent car alarms. No one minds the audible ones anyway.

03-23-2008, 06:22 AM
Granted. The silent car alarm now squirts tar all around the car. It takes two hours for the firemen to free you when you step in a puddle.
I wish I had a unicorn.

03-23-2008, 06:36 AM
Bingo! You have a unicorn! His favorite game is to poke you in the ass! He also drinks all the alcohol in the house, sings bawdy tavern songs off-key and whizzes on the couch. :}

I wish I had a gryphon.

03-23-2008, 07:51 AM
Granted. You have a gryphon until he tears your house apart and escapes.
I wish the new cat's quarantine time was over.

03-23-2008, 02:12 PM
The quarantine time is over for the new kitteh but you're so stressed you hide away under the bed for a month communing with the dust bunnies where you develope an overweening fear of the vacumn cleaner.

I wish this dust storm was over, kaff...hack...

03-23-2008, 05:51 PM
well heron, this dust storm is a mother and won't be over for days. beings as you are in the holy land i cannot go against nature. it's a territorial thing, BUT i can grant you a ride out of this place. BLINKO! you are now jammed into a model a truck with the jode family, riding on the roof next to sweet little rose of sharon and dead grandpa. it will be quite a trip crossing the usa sans a/c, radio OR teeth, but things is bound to get better in california--hain't they?

wish my ancestors had not decided to stick the dust bowl out

03-23-2008, 06:22 PM
Granted. They went to Canada and married other people. As a result, you were not born.
I wish I had talent as good as my ideas.

03-23-2008, 06:33 PM
you don't even need to waste a wish on that one, k-nena. just hire yourself up a ghostwriter. the wish you will need to make is that your ghostwriter has talent. otherwise you might get one who plagiarizes forgotten novels of the forties and fifties. then you will be sued for plagiarism on behalf of your highly paid ghostwriter. now old shakey has not had an idea since 1987 but that old gal can string a sentence together! with commers and capitol letters and all the fixin's. being a teacher she thinks 100$ a month is big pay, in other wqords i am your wish! oops--okay i do have a q-insertion problem but promise to work on it--s6

wish my citizenship students would all ace their ins interview

03-23-2008, 07:47 PM
Granted. They ace the International Nitwit Service interview.
I wish to see Bin Laden's head on a pole overlooking Ground Zero.

03-23-2008, 09:01 PM
wish i could grant that one for you. maybe my friend dolly svoboda wearing a binh l. mask? she's the biggest pole i ever met-s6

wish that i had two shortcakes for my strawberries

03-23-2008, 09:06 PM
Very well. I will wish instead that Opus Dei would conspire to create homes for unwanted pets.

03-24-2008, 03:33 AM
Opus Dei conspires but like always, their endeavors are so secret no one knows where the shelters are for homeless pets, if the pets know the location of the Grail, or if the lost Dead Sea Scrolls have been used for litterboxes and weewee pads.

I wish DaVinci was aive today to invent stuff.

03-24-2008, 04:16 AM
Granted. DaVinci is indeed alive but he's too busy surfing the net to invent anything.
I wish I knew where the Ark of the Covenant is.

03-24-2008, 10:11 AM
Granted, but what was in the Ark is still lost and you must search until you find it.

I wish I had access to the Vatican library.

03-24-2008, 11:13 PM
Granted you have access--as a bookworm. It'll take you a million descendants to read everything and digest it properly.

I wish jellyfish didn't have stinging tendrils.

03-24-2008, 11:42 PM
Granted. They now have biting tendrils.
I wish I lived next to the Library of Congress.

03-26-2008, 01:11 AM
Granted, you live next to the LoC but are prevented from entering by 100 guards, 100 snarling mastiffs, and a really tiny but mean librarian who wields a 2x4 yardstick.

I wish the Venus DeMilo had arms

03-26-2008, 01:21 AM

But her arms are sagging with cellulite, from before she went on that miracle diet, and visitors to the Louvre now turn away in disgust.


I wish that political candidates who lie to the public would be roasted over a slowly turning spit.

03-26-2008, 01:47 AM
helluva barbecue going on in washington dc. the only problem is that with all the gov't $ tied up in those lying porkers we are going to have to eat them to break even. yech! i think i will opt for the bush buffet--quite a few dishes there.

i wish i had some really potent barbecue sauce. these liars are tough and tasteless.

03-26-2008, 02:29 AM
The bbq sauce is declared hazmat, even if it does tenderize the lyin' bastids. Sigh.

I wish teachers were paid in 6 digits and politicians were in the lowest of the scale, under 25K/year.

03-26-2008, 03:10 AM
if that ever happens i will hire you as my ghostwriter, heron. you can plagiarize all you want. just do quality stuff and no one will ever notice.

i wish i had the balls to wring my neighbor's rooster's neck! his crowing is making my gardening a chore--s6

03-26-2008, 05:27 AM
Granted. You wring the rooster's neck and are promptly arrested for animal cruelty. The judge sentences you to labor on a chicken farm.
I wish my WIP didn't suck.

03-26-2008, 08:54 PM

Your WIP is a masterpiece. It is snapped up by Random House and goes through 17 printings in three months. You turn up on Oprah. Your book is bought by Miramax and Fox, and Matel is producing countless lucrative spinoffs.

Unfortunately, you are sued for plagiarism by another writer. He wins the suit and is awarded $100,000,000, which you can't possibly pay. Oprah renounces you, and you become a recluse, living in poverty and hiding from the media for the rest of your life.

(Sorry. This wish went to a really evil genie.)


I wish I could be the first person to discover life on another planet.

03-26-2008, 09:20 PM
Granted! You have discovered life on Gemorak 7. Then you stepped on it. You need to hide on Gemorak 11's furthest moon from the 'Save the Alien' contingent who have a price on your head, your liver, and your kneecaps, among other body parts.

I wish there were more shooting stars.

03-27-2008, 01:45 AM
Granted. Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, and a host of other movie icons have taken their Second Amendment rights to heart and have become a gun toting possee shooting each and every paparazzi that gets in their way.

I wish I knew what the heck I was doing.

03-27-2008, 03:15 AM
Poof! You know what and which heck your doing, you still don't have a clue about anything else.

I wish the birds would mime instead of sing so I can sleep.

03-27-2008, 10:35 AM
Granted, but now everyone around you mimes. At first, the quiet might be nice, but after awhile it might get pretty annoying.

I wish that I could afford to quit my job and write all day long.

03-28-2008, 03:15 AM
You can quit your job and write all day long but all you can write is 'I can't think of anything' filling up reams of paper.

03-29-2008, 09:06 AM
I wish HeronW would have written down her wish.

03-29-2008, 11:26 AM
Granted. It's carved in the trunk of a poplar tree in an undisclosed location.

I wish I was finished editing my novel and working on the second one.

03-29-2008, 05:15 PM
(got killed by a glitch before I could get back in to AW yestereve)
Blunt has finished mercilessly editing his 1st novel...tiny shredded bits of paper wafted lazily over Indiana...and he's going after the 2nd one with cuticle scissors.

I wish AW ruled the world!

03-29-2008, 09:29 PM
Um...the genie doesn't grant wishes that don't change anything.

AW already rules the world.


I wish I could grow a beanstalk like Jack's, so I could climb it and find out what's up there.

03-29-2008, 09:50 PM
here are some specially treated scarlet runner beans guarranteed to grow you a stairway to heaven. unfortunately the bean stalk is in macksville, kansas. what is directly over macksville? why more macksville, of course. it is a more celestial take on the berg below but it is still macksville. chickens and armadillos and muledeer still run free. the crowd down at edna's place (home of nancy's big momma burger) still cranks up the jukebox on a friday night. pinatas outnumber christmas trees and the mayor lives in a doublewide. oh--and there is bingo on sunday afternoons--s6

i wish that my students could speak fluent spanish but not until may 15--s6

03-29-2008, 11:17 PM
Oh sure that's easy. Granted. May 15, 2094 all your students will speak fluent spanish.

I wish that toilet would stop plugging up.

03-30-2008, 02:41 AM
The toilet stops plugging up, it eats your WIP and decides to leave and write its own novel.

I wish the neighbors would put all their trash in the bin instead of on the sides.

03-30-2008, 10:12 AM
Granted. The trash is in the bins. Which was great for the Garbage company because that meant less work for their employees, which allowed them to downsize their hourly work force by half. With a sudden loss of income the unemployed garbage men were unable to spend money in the community, causing the local mom and pop stores to cut back on employees and with more people out of work, more stores began to close and a localized recession spread from community to community as stores downsized and closed, unable to maintain profitability thanks to a sudden drop in consumer demand. With the loss of income growing exponentially, the unemployment rate began to rise and homes started being foreclosed on all over the country-oh wait, that's already happening.
I guess we have you to thank for that.

Why do men look so damn ridiculous naked?

03-30-2008, 07:40 PM
ah, but do you wish they looked serious when naked? i guess i could boink a serious tattoo on ever male in the world's ass--like "save the dolphins" or "ban the bomb" ;maybe "the support of the child is the responsibilty of the father" would sober everyone up. as for me, i would rather have my giggle and get it on. since i have not gotten it on for many many moons--tattooed or otherwise.

i wish all men would be required to wear one of 4 uniforms depending on body type and eye color: baby blue pajamas, baseball uniforms complete w/ cleats, white dinner jacket and black tie, or tie dye t--shirt, embroidered bell bottom jeans, sandals and beards. since these were what richard widmark, cary grant and mr. shakey were wearing in the seventies they always turn me on.--s6

03-31-2008, 12:38 AM
Granted we now have men in one of 4 outfits: baby blue pajamas, baseball uniforms complete w/ cleats, white dinner jacket and black tie, or tie dye t-shirt, embroidered bell bottom jeans, sandals and beards. Most men look either ridiculous, clumsy, nervous, or pathetic especially since they all insist on bunny feet slippers to go with the jammies; the cleats tear the sheets, rugs, wood floors and tiles; those who are in tuxes can't afford the dress shoes and are also wearing bunny slippers, and the ones in sandals shouldn't be because their feet are hairier than a hobbit's. :}

I wish S6 could realize her dream of tatooing serious messages on men's butts so they wouldn't look ridiculous naked.

03-31-2008, 01:23 AM
dibs on robert redford. don't give a hang if it as wrinkled as a deflated circus balloon! will need some help though. who can chase down woof and nymtoc?

wish i could have some new specs for the fine print on this job!

03-31-2008, 01:57 AM
Sending S6 new specs to do her thang, scripting the publishing fine print contracts on Nymtoc & Woof so they'll never be taken advantage of.

Wishing the idjits here knew how to park instead of riding up on the curb and taking 2 spaces.

03-31-2008, 02:08 AM
ah--zapping you to western kansas where every yard is a junkyard.

wish the neighbor's chickens would stay in the pontiac instead of roosting in my dodge

04-02-2008, 02:11 AM
Granted, the chickens are in the Pontiac, but you left the Barry White tape playing in the cassette player, and hot chicken love ensues. Night after night. Over and over, the sounds of seats and shocks squeaking, the grunts of roosters and hens in passionate embrace, and Barry White, that deep, soulful, gravelly, sexually charged singing giving voice to the Pontiac's true nature as a "love machine".

I wish I never wrote that. Eww.

04-02-2008, 06:51 AM
Granted. But now you have no hope of ever getting your dollar from PA.
I wish I could get started on the new version of my WIP.

04-17-2008, 12:37 PM
Bingo: you are slaving away on the new version of your WIP with first chapter exceeding War and Peace in it's entirety so you know you haven't left anything out.

I wish my cats could type accurately.

04-17-2008, 03:43 PM
Granted. They accurately type up everything you don't want known and send it to your local newspaper.
I wish I had a new Porsche.

04-17-2008, 03:58 PM
You do have a new Porsche, which your cats take on a joyride hitting all the illegal catnip joints and chasing dogs, they end up accordioning the car into the most favored tree in the dog park--and the cats walk away smirking.

I wish your cats didn't teach my cats how to drive.

04-21-2008, 04:51 AM
Granted. My cats do not teach yours to drive, yours taught mine to drive. Yours are even now driving your car up Silva's ramp at Masada. Your antiquities department is not amused.

I wish my cats would stop fighting.

04-21-2008, 03:51 PM
Poof, your cats have stopped fighting. They've tied you up, stuffed an old chewed catnip mouse in your mouth and are holding you for salmon and tuna ransom.

I wish matzo crackers tasted better...

04-24-2008, 06:17 AM
Granted. However, now your cats snatch them from you so you never get to eat one.
I wish it wasn't so blasted hot.

04-24-2008, 01:38 PM
The hot blast is gone, your freezer is spewing out enough icecubes to halt global warming and you'll get a Nobel prize as soon as someone can chip you out.

I wish the dust storm would go away.

kct webber
04-24-2008, 02:53 PM
Granted. But it's been replaced by a hail of human waste from the first failed launch of sewage to the sun.

I wish my roomate would quit talking to me.

04-24-2008, 03:39 PM
Granted. But now your roommate won't tell you that your lottery ticket is the multi-million dollar winner... and only your roommate knows where the ticket is.

I wish stupid people would go away.

04-24-2008, 04:17 PM

All the stupid people have gone away. Now the White House is empty, and so are the halls of Congress. The CEOs of major corporations have disappeared. The program directors of the major networks are gone, as are all the news anchors. "American Idol" has been cancelled for obvious reasons. In Hollywood, most film projects have been shut down, though a few small animation studios have managed to survive. Religious "spokesmen" no longer appear on television, and Paris Hilton has been listed with the LAPD as a missing person.


I wish I could travel around the solar system and see the planets close up.

04-24-2008, 04:52 PM
Granted. You are planet-hopping, enjoying all the local sights when you find yourself nearing Uranus as a powerful storm is erupting with clouds of methane crystals each the size of Kansas. The temperature is 300 degrees below zero, and as you flash-freeze your last thought is that you should have put on an extra sweater, while simultaneously an astronomer peering through the Hubble telescope spots an unknown frozen object that would later be identified as a rare Nymtocian meteorite.

I wish a winged horse would fly by my window.

04-24-2008, 09:43 PM
Granted, and now your window boxes have the biggest flowers, but the 'fertilizer' smell is driving you crazy.

I wish penthouse apartments came with basements.

04-25-2008, 12:37 AM
all penthouses now have basements. watch that first step. it is a doozy.

i wish i my seniors were graduating tomorrow instead of two weeks from tomorrow.

04-25-2008, 01:04 AM
Poof, your seniors have graduated now and spend the next fortnight partying non-stop at your house. You as their beloved teacher lose all sense of sanity and decorum and hide in the hall closet net to the supsesize bag of kitty kibble-which happens to be the only food left in the house that the kids didn't eat.

I wish S6 forgives me for the above :}

04-25-2008, 05:52 AM
s6 forgives you for sending the seniors to her house. She sends the seniors to tell you of her forgiveness. They stay for a month.
I wish I had a supersize bag of kibble.

kct webber
04-25-2008, 03:55 PM
Granted. The kibble was a CIA experiment that releases nerve gas when exposed to air. It then causes whoever breathes it to have an irresitable compulsion to dance naked in public until they sully their reputation so badly that they become permanent social outcasts.

I wish that I lived closer to the city.

04-25-2008, 04:27 PM
Granted. Unfortunately you discover that you have asthma, and the smog isn't doing any good.
I wish I had a laptop.

04-25-2008, 04:46 PM
Granted. His name is Sergio and he's your laptop dancer. You want to push him off your lap, but you become mesmerized by his sculpted body and sensuous gyrations until several dances later you realize that you owe him $1,800 which ironically is the cost of a nice Apple laptop.

I wish that my high speed internet connection moved at the speed of light.

04-26-2008, 04:10 AM
Granted - sadly, this is so fast that it attracts the attention of an alien race who are currently monitoring our planet in order to determine our 'threat' to them as a species. They very quickly decide that you are far too advanced for this planet and promptly abduct you, so that you spend the next six months being 'probed' and 'interrogated' on their home world and by the time they release you you have been given a new identity as 'Ed - the photocopier repair man' and spend the rest of your life repairing photocopiers in a small town in the midlands of England where your only 'claim to fame' is that you were once featured on a 'believe it or not' cable tv show because your skin is still bright green from the 'alien experiments' that you were subjected to.

I wish I had more time to sit and read (or write!) a book instead of spending all my time on household chores and never having any time for myself.

04-26-2008, 04:53 AM
Granted. You now live in a large glass box, nicely appointed, with plenty of reading material and a computer with unlimited hard drive space, all your physical needs met by the zookeepers at the alien facility to which you were transported.

I wish I had a publishing contract with a reputable company.

04-26-2008, 04:56 AM
And what doth Melenka wish?


04-26-2008, 04:58 AM
went back and fixed it! Apparently I should wish for ability to follow instructions!

04-26-2008, 05:57 AM

You now have a publishing contract with Random House. The company is planning to republish all the telephone books issued in the United States over the past 100 years. Under your contract, you will proofread the project, after which Random House might look at some of your writing.


I wish I lived in a castle.

04-26-2008, 07:53 AM
Granted. There is no airconditioning, no plumbing, no electricity.
I wish I knew the best way to start my new draft.

04-28-2008, 07:49 PM
Granted. You begin work on your new draft, only to have a tornado strike your house, pick up all your work, and drop it in the Land of Oz. The Munchkins are waiting for the rest of it.

I wish someone else would do my work for me.

04-28-2008, 08:52 PM
no problem. angel, my neighbor can do about anything from raising goats to overhauling irrigation equipment. his spelling is a little rough and he will need to borrow your social security number but he isn't picky about what he does and works below minimum wage--s6

wish someone would round up all my sophomores and take them someplace educational for the afternoon--s6

04-28-2008, 09:13 PM

Mousey Malone, who hangs out at the corner of Fifth and Main, has rounded up all your sophomores and taken them to the Bounce-a-Boob Club for the afternoon, where they watched a series of pole dancers display all their...um...attractions. The kids found the experience very educational.

Unfortunately, when the school board discovered what you had allowed to happen, they terminated your employment. Though you will try to find another job, this incident will prove an obstacle with every future employer--except maybe the owners of the Bounce-a-Boob Club.


I wish all spammers would be sent to hell.

04-28-2008, 09:24 PM
okay all spammers go to spam hell--where they are chained to computer keyboards all day reading forwards from my religious right nutso cousin jerry. all meals are based around spam. the spam kitchen cooks will borrowing their recipes from my mother's 1,001 tasty spam recipes. spam hash, spam ham (plug a spam full of cloves and baste it w/ brown sugar), spam and eggs, roast spam w/ rosemary/grape jelly sauce. and of course, barbecued spamwiches.--s6

wish there was a special hell for virus originators

04-28-2008, 10:59 PM
Granted. There is a special Hell for virus originators. Unfortunately, being the evil geniuses that they are, they soon figure out a way to send lethal viruses, worms and trojan horses from their hell-based servers. And before anyone is warned not to open any emails or attachments with the greeting FREE OFFERS FROM HELL, every hard drive from Toledo to Timbuktu crashes and bites the dust.

I wish that every computer virus would sneeze loudly to alert us to their presence.

04-29-2008, 05:43 AM
Granted. However, now you cannot work on your computer because of its constant sneezing.
I wish this new start on my wip works out.

04-29-2008, 07:29 AM
okay, but if it is going to be really good i will have to do it for you

--here it is (read em' and wip): in my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that i have been turning over in my mind ever since. "Whenever you feel like crticizing anyone just remember that not everyone has had your advantages."

awesome isn't it? and straight from great gatsby. so it has to be great.

i wish that the fitzgerald estate goes easy on old komnena

kct webber
04-29-2008, 10:25 AM
Granted. But keep in mind, "going easy" for the Fitzgerald people means drawing and quartering with silk rope.

I wish that I would quit procrastinating.

04-30-2008, 11:58 PM
You've quit procrastinating, you've decided to do nothing RIGHT NOW! and forgot to stop...

I wish the neighbor's dog would poop in their house not on the sidewalks outside.

05-01-2008, 03:23 AM

Now all the neighbor's dog poop is inside their house. In fact, it's filling every room to the ceiling.

Unfortunately, through a mix-up, the deeds to your house and your neighbor's were switched years ago. The authorities have just discovered that your house is theirs and theirs is yours (sort of like babies being switched at birth). You must be out of "your" house and into "theirs" by the end of the week.

Please don't invite me to your house-warming.


I wish people cared as much about education as they do about entertainment.

05-01-2008, 04:17 AM
Granted. Everyone must take a certain amount of classes every year and report to an internet board something they have learned that day. Those who hate school are coming in search of you.
I wish I ruled the world.

05-01-2008, 05:37 PM
Komnena does indeed rule the world--of horseflies, who are migrating en masse to pay homage to their new Empress by tasting her blood, thereby passing on the hallowed and heaven-filled right of royalty to their housefly-ettes.
(I have to be creative with you yanno?)

I wish Komnena ALL the best!

05-01-2008, 10:44 PM
Granted. I get all the best writing jobs. Everyone else at AW is so jealous I have to go into hiding deep in the wilds of Canada where only Mounties and trappers go.
I wish I had less torium growing near my house.

05-17-2008, 04:57 PM
Poof, the torium is gone, in its place kudzu has taken over and is sneaking its maleficent tendrils through the wall joins.
I wish I understood animals speaking.

05-17-2008, 07:32 PM
Granted. The first animal you encounter is a crocodile and as he stares at you, you hear him say out loud to himself "Whoa! There's a heron! Just look at that body! What luscious legs! I wonder how many chews it will take to get her down? Now...where's my ketchup?"

I wish that every evil person in the world would be exiled to a remote island.

05-17-2008, 09:22 PM

Every evil person in the world is now on Papatichu, an island so remote it is not shown on any map. Unfortunately, computerized records at Langley, VA, have inadvertently included your name among Most Evil. Therefore you are among those exiled, never to return.

They say Papatichu's coconuts are good.


I wish I knew what was going to happen tomorrow.

05-18-2008, 08:24 AM
Granted. Politicians will lie. The price of gas will go up. Walmart will make money.
I wish the little tabby who tried to sucker us this evening finds other suckers.

05-27-2008, 08:12 AM
Granted. A small child who has recently lost her old kitty will convince her mom that she will only stop crying if they pick up that little tabby.

I wish someone else would weed my garden.

05-27-2008, 03:13 PM
Granted. A family of groundhogs moves in and eats all the weeds. Unfortunately they also eat everything else.
I wish I had some crab rangoon in the house.

05-27-2008, 05:10 PM
Granted. Concealing their promiscuous lifestyle from you, a visitor to your home arrives from Rangoon with a bad case of crabs.

I wish that I was allowed to use a cattle prod on people who block supermarket aisles.

05-27-2008, 05:11 PM
Well, here he is, my husband's old college roomie, Crabby from Rangoon. In a screaming yellow polyester leisure suit and carrying six thinly disguised bongs. Funny guy. Why do they call him Crabby? Don't climb into bed with him and you will never know. His parents own the largest taxi cab company in Rangoon. They pay him to stay away from Rangoon. Very generous guy, always giving you little gifts. Strange little gifts--usually hollow. Days he stays in his room and plays his Ravi Shankar albums. Like Sitar music? Not for long. Nights he is out looking for big blonde poosy kets. Kind of like the SNL Czechoslovakian brothers, only in a dhoti--s6

05-27-2008, 05:17 PM
yikes--i thought that one up while woof was doing his. i never want to on woof's vibe again. or anything of woof's for that matter--s6

want to use hotshots on balky folks? welcome to cattle country where people even take them to high school football games sose they can tap the rival fans if they cheer too much. soon enough you will realize the wisdom of a cattle prod checked in when you hit town policy.

wish there was a detour on tornado alley

05-28-2008, 03:40 PM
Granted. The detour runs through Pellucidar. Tornadoes wreak havoc in the earth's core, altering the Earth's orbit away from the Sun. Mars or Bust becomes critical necessity.

I wish that the Moon had tourism.

05-28-2008, 04:15 PM
Granted. The moon offers all kinds of exciting tours. You can go yachting on the Sea of Tranquility or hike up and down the majestic craters, but the food is just awful. All that is available in restaurants and hotels is moldy green cheese that once eaten causes nonstop vomiting and hiccups.

I wish that weeds would all commit suicide.

05-28-2008, 04:46 PM

All the weeds in the world have committed suicide, but first they had to decide how to do it. The International Weed Conference lasted for weeks, with tempers rising and heated arguments going back and forth. Finally the steering committee proposed three solutions: guns, knives or herbicide. For various reasons, guns were considered to be impractical, and knives were no different from what humans had been doing to the weeds for along time. As a result, herbicide was chosen--a particularlly toxic type. On the morning when the herbicide was spread over the earth, not only the weeds but all plant life ceased.

There are no longer grass, trees, flowers, wheat or corn or anything else edible growing on the planet. But you can still eat Spam.


I wish this interminable election season were over.

05-28-2008, 04:54 PM
Granted. The interminable election season is over, and it's now back to politics as usual - broken promises, corruption and mismanagement and there's nothing to look forward to except the next election season.

I wish that senators would start looking like real senators and all wear togas.

05-29-2008, 07:10 AM
Poof, your wish is granted. All the senators are wearing togas... even Bryd (I need to put on blindfolds).

I wish my blueberry plants would multiply overnight..

05-29-2008, 07:51 AM
poof...you are now buried in blueberry pants (why you want this, I don't know) ...

...oops you said plants. Sorry about that.

I wish I could figure out what to wish for.

05-29-2008, 03:01 PM
Granted. You know to wish for a million dollars. Unfortunately you don't specify United States dollars so you get it in Continental dollars.
I wish to visit Athens.

05-29-2008, 03:06 PM
Granted. I'll buy you a bus ticket to Athens, TN. It's between Chattanooga and Knoxville. Have fun!

I wish I had another week of vacation before I had to go back to work.

05-29-2008, 09:25 PM
Granted. You get your extra week of vacation and can even take more time off after that! Your company will go belly-up due to over investing in subprime mortgage securities - you know, like everyone else's company. We're ALL getting a vacation soon....

I wish an actual human would answer the phone when I call human resources.

05-29-2008, 09:44 PM
Granted. Say hello to "Ralph" from New Delhi. We've outsourced.

I wish I had a maid in one of those little French Maid outfits to come clean my house twice a week.

05-30-2008, 03:06 AM
Granted...Meet Helga, 230 lbs of pure sexiness all wrapped up in a size 6 outfit.

I wish the birds would stop eating my strawberries.

05-30-2008, 03:34 AM
Poof! The birds have stopped eating your strawberries.
They're moving to the main dish ala Alfred Hitchcock and you're playing Tippi Hedren...

ack...wishing my cat wouldn't pass gas while waving her tail 2" from my face...

05-30-2008, 05:04 AM
Granted. She now passes gas an inch from your face.
I wish I could afford every book I want.

05-30-2008, 06:17 AM
Granted. You now have a job working 18 hours per day, 7 days a week. Hope you aren't too tired to read those books.

I wish I could get at least one good night of solid sleep.

05-30-2008, 04:13 PM
Granted. You fall into such a deep sleep that you don't notice the burglars who have broken into your home and stolen everything you own, including your virtue - although your teddy bear is left unmolested.

I wish that there were such a thing as self-cleaning carpets.

05-30-2008, 09:08 PM

Self-cleaning carpets are now available. In fact, since you have expressed this interest the genie has installed them throughout your house.

Unfortunately, they are toxic to humans and dogs.


I wish I could live in ancient Rome and see what those orgies were all about (merely as an observer, you understand).

05-30-2008, 09:13 PM
Granted, as a gladiator you are invited to the feast and orgy prior to the next days events. See you in the ring tomorrow. Bring a sword, you'll down for fighting the twelve hungry tigers.

I wish I had more "pep" today.

05-30-2008, 09:25 PM
Granted. The pep boys will be showing up any minute now. All of them. Get the beer ready (better run to the liquor store)

I wish I'd stop thinking and just start doing.

05-30-2008, 09:56 PM
okay--now you are doing. chasing cars. smelling strange butts and snacking on carrion. why? because you are no longer thinking. duh! meanwhile your dog is running your finances and household.

wish my lawnmower would start when i pull that stupid cordthing

05-30-2008, 10:19 PM
poof: the lawnmower cord WORKS! however you can't shut the mower off and you spend the rest of your life running from the LAWNMOWER from HELL...didn't know they had grass there didja?

I wish all restaurants had free delivery and the hot food came hot!

05-30-2008, 10:38 PM
well, i can't grant you all restaurants but i am sending you nancy. she is head cook and bouncer of edna's place just around the corner from me. macksville's finest eatery. and only eatery. yessir, heron, nancy is bringing you edna's specialty--a big momma burger made from 100% kansas beef, just dripping in cowly juices--heart stoppin' good is the way it is advertised. fixings? of course--a quarter pound of french fried onion rings fried up in relatively new grease. someone drained off the crank case on the fryer a few weeks ago--the used cooking oil is going for 2$ A GALLON because of the gas prices being what they are. edna's used oil can fuel a combine you know. oh, and here is your chili and cheese topping. lettuce? tomato? why screw up a good meal w/ green stuff?

wish my dog could hoe my garden

05-31-2008, 12:46 PM
Granted. Fido's hoeing ability draws attention from high ranking party members of an evil Communist country. Soon, he is abducted and forced to work at a collectivist farm tending a humble patch of beets.

I wish this song would never end.

05-31-2008, 04:37 PM
Granted. This song la la la. La la la this song. This song la la la. La la la this song. This song la la la. La la la this song. This song la la la. La la la this song. La la la this song. This song la la la...and so on - for the rest of eternity. At some point along the way, you will do anything not to hear this boring, repetitive, monotonous song ever again and blissfully blow your brains out.

I wish that all vile, intrusive earsplitting music that is played outdoors would turn to Bach or Mozart.

05-31-2008, 09:22 PM

All that vile, intrusive, earspliitting music has been replaced by Bach or Mozart.

However, since we live in the electronic age, all the Bach and Mozart are being processed through a Mackie 1604VLZ3 16-channel mixer, a Behringer SL2442RFXPRO Eurodesk 24-channel mixer, a Sonica 8-core Digital Audio Production System, a BBE 882 Sonic Maximizer and a great deal of other equipment, resulting in a sound not unlike...well...you know...


I wish I could talk to Shakespeare and ask him for some some tips about improving my writing.

06-01-2008, 12:17 AM
Shakespeare appears before you, a ghastly undead figure corrupted by the hundreds of years he's spent in soil. He attempts to offer you legitimate writing advice, but his horrifying appearance turns you white as a sheet draining all the melanin from your skin.

You spend the rest of your years avoiding sunlight, which gives you plenty of time to produce masterful literary works that even The Bard would envy.

I wish for a tasty snack.

06-02-2008, 09:16 AM

Your Twinkies are on the table.


I wish I could go to Las Vegas and walk away with $100,000.

06-02-2008, 09:44 AM
Poof your wish is granted..

You play the tables and machines all night, but no luck, until Juicy Judy comes up and asks you to play the jackpot machine. You both contribute $2.50 and put $5.00 in the machine... Off goes all the bells, whistles, and everything else... You are a winner...

You and Juicy Judy split the winnings and yours is $100,000.00 you walk out... only to have Juicy Judy's mobster friend kidnap you, take your money, and leaves you tied up in a chair until the police find you 3 days later....

I wish I could cure people and animals.

06-02-2008, 05:15 PM
Granted. You build a huge smokehouse where you cure people and animals. Business is brisk at first with a high volume of cured ham sales, but your cured people, dogs, cats, muskrats, etc. don't move at all, and pretty soon you have to close your doors and declare bankruptcy. The good news is, that you're left with a large inventory, and don't have to go grocery shopping again for years.

I wish that I could create miracles with a wave of my hand.

06-02-2008, 06:53 PM

However, you cannot choose the type or quality of the miracle. For example, a horse owner comes to you and says, "I want my horse to win the Derby," so you wave your hand, and a geyser erupts in the middle of his house. A girl comes to you and says, "I want to be popular wherever I go." You wave your hand, and she's selling bottled water in the Sahara Desert. A politican comes to you and says, "I want to be President." You wave your hand and...well, the genie will let you guess what happens. :D


I wish I had a bright red Ferrari F430, with 4,308 cc 4.3 liters V 8 mid engine with 92 mm bore, 81 mm stroke, 11.3 compression ratio and double overhead cam.

06-02-2008, 06:58 PM
And your payment for the bright red Ferrari F430, with 4,308 cc 4.3 liters V 8 mid engine with 92 mm bore, 81 mm stroke, 11.3 compression ratio and double overhead cam is only $29,468 per month for the next 192 months.

I wish I had a home in Malibu.

06-02-2008, 07:59 PM
and here it is, malibu oklahoma that is. right in the panhandle, hovering just above texas and below kansas. i'm granting you one hundred acres too. seeings as how the yuppie world has not caught on to this peaceful, potentially hot vacation oasis, the land is dirt cheap at .50 cents an acre. what to do with the land? well, you can't grow much of anything because it is so danged dry. but the dirt is red and real purty. you can park every car you ever owned on it plus all of your worn out appliances. old stoves and cars make charming armadillo dens. where is this place? smack in the middle of the staked plains, just off the jornada del muerto. oh--better bring a fan. it might get zoned for electricity some day--s6

i wish i could find 3.50 a gallon gas

06-02-2008, 08:31 PM
No, problem. Just drive over to northern Montana and fill up. There's a station there that has it for $3.499.

I wish I had some strawberries.

06-02-2008, 09:38 PM
lucky you, i have a strawberry jar full of red, ripe, strawberries. just a minute while i fill this envelope and stamp it. throwing in a squirt of redi-whip--what the hell.

wish the blue jays would quit crapping on my strawberry jars

06-02-2008, 10:45 PM
A scientist comes along looking for blue jay crap containing worms which only grow in your part of the country. You pull every fruit jar you have and pray for the jays to return but sadly they've moved on to Toronto.

I wish I had a penny for everytime someone said that the copper is worth more than $0.01.

06-02-2008, 11:11 PM
You return home from work, open the front door and are immediately buried under never ending piles of pennies.

Lucky for you, metal thieves are a block away dismantling a streetlight. They smell the copper in the air and descend upon the mountain of pennies like a pack of hungry wolves. The scavengers inadvertently save you from suffocation, however faster than you can thank them, they take every piece of metal within eye site and on your property in trade.

I wish I was a virtuoso guitar player.

06-06-2008, 07:16 AM
Granted. You now have to roam through the country playing the guitar for your supper.
I wish I could control the weather.

06-06-2008, 07:38 AM
Your wish is granted. You are now constatnly besot by Al Gore who wants you to keep it cool

I wish I had a frog as big as a horse and a saddle with velcro to keep me on his back

06-06-2008, 07:43 PM

Frogs normally eat bugs, but your giant batrachian is roaming through the city--with you on its back--eating dogs, cats and an occasional senior citizen, and the authorities have been chasing you and the frog with shotguns for days. They are closing in on you, and it won't be long till...well, the genie hesitates to say it...


I wish I could change professions whenever I choose, so that I could be a doctor one week, a quarterback the next, an apache dancer the next, a sheet-metal worker the next, an astronaut the next, a pastry chef the next and so forth.

06-06-2008, 08:10 PM

You are now a male Barbie doll who we call Ken. You can be found on the shelves of most toy stores, along with all of the necessary costumes and accesories you will need to go from one career to another.

I wish I had more money in the bank.

06-07-2008, 04:15 PM

We've swapped your American dollars into Japanese yen. You once had 100 dollars now you have 10,492.50 yen. However, we will have to take our commission, I think 5,000 yen is fine. You now have 5, 492.50 in the bank. But that's still more money than 100.

I wish I could date Brad Pitt.

06-07-2008, 04:20 PM
Granted. Then Angelina Jolie will come and claw your face off.

I wish I could get everything on my "to do" list done this morning.

06-07-2008, 05:38 PM
Granted. I have sprinkled my magic fairy dust over you so all of your work is complete...

I wish I could travel to the Beach today, almost any beach will do...

06-07-2008, 05:42 PM
That fairy dust tastes suspiciously like flour to me . . .

But anyway, granted, you can go to the beach. Unfortunately, it's raining and the only place to get out of the rain is the Motel 6.

I wish someone would go get the clothes out of the dryer and fold them up for me. Thanks.

06-07-2008, 05:46 PM
Granted. I will fly over and fold up your clothes for u. And, btw, I never use flour in my dust...its cornmeal :D

I wish someone would go outside and finish mowing the lawn for me.

06-07-2008, 05:49 PM

However, when the lawn is being mowed, it happens to go over the floor beds and ruins all your flowers.

I wish I could have a pair of Prada boots that fit perfectly.

06-07-2008, 05:57 PM
Granted. I will send the boot-maker over though they may not be perfect because the boot-maker is really a carpenter in disguise.

I wish, I wish, uhh, I know...I wish I wasn't turning 40 this month.

06-07-2008, 06:02 PM

Instead you will be turning 50.

I wish I could have two first class tickets to France and stay in a Castle, for free.

06-07-2008, 06:05 PM
Granted. But instead of 1st class it will be business class and the plane will be crowded and once you get to the Castle you will discover it is haunted.

I wish I could go posting here all day long instead of stopping to do the work that I need to do.

06-07-2008, 09:04 PM
well i cannot give you the freedom since, as fairies go i am fairly limited. what i can grant is testicles.--testicular fortitude i call it-- now you have the balls to stay on the net all day and stare down your employer or any middle management nerd who catches you at your netscapades. AND to download any game that catches your fancy at co. expense. let's see where that gets you in the world of men and work--s6

wish i could find a buyer for a hand carved wooden otter eating a bi-valve of some sort on his stomach--s6 ps--no i am not joking. i am looking at it as i type!

06-08-2008, 08:58 PM

A homeless person purchased the otter from you for 5 cents. Upon taking it to the doorway where he slept, he discovered that the otter's head unscrewed, revealing the statuette to be an antique safe containing ten $10,000 bills (no longer issued but still valid US currency).

Finders keepers.


I wish I didn't have to do laundry or wash dishes or sweep floors or do any of that time-consuming crap for the rest of my life.

06-08-2008, 09:33 PM
you don't have to. i am granting you paper clothes, paper dishes, plastic forks and spoons, and large sheets ofcardboard to spread over your floors as they become impassable from litter and debris as you daily discard paper apparel and table service. of course in just a few years the layer cake approach to housekeeping will catch up with you-- your head will be just inches from the ceiling and you will have to move to another house. don't think there will be much resale value on your old house. probably better make a paper downpayment--s6

wish that school did not start until october 1

06-08-2008, 09:47 PM
Granted. School now starts October 1st, ending the next-to-last week of the following September, without additional vacation days.

I wish my cat wouldn't wake me up so early.

06-08-2008, 10:42 PM
okay--your cat sleeps in too. in fact the two of you have been snoozing since playing ninepins w/ heinrich hudson and his dwarvish men at the sleepy hollow bowling alley and car wash---s6

i wish that my cat would chew on her catnip toys instead of the local songbirds--s6

06-09-2008, 01:42 AM
Granted, your cat eats her catnip toys and is stoned 24/7 (not to mention endowed with interesting flatulence that knocks over anything in a 5 mile radius leaving happy smiles on the faces of people, cows, dogs, birds, etc.) leading to an intervention from the ASCPA, a 12x12 step program, and 18 weeks in the Betty Furred Clinic.

I wish accupuncture could be done without the nasty needles...

06-09-2008, 06:06 AM
Granted. It is now done with even nastier toothpicks.
I wish it will be cool tomorrow when I wake. up.

06-09-2008, 06:47 AM
Granted. You wake in the morning, under the Arctic Sun floating across the North Pole on a cool iceberg.

I wish this bet would payoff.

06-09-2008, 04:44 PM
Granted. You have become rich beyond imagination but you will not invest properly and before you know it you are on skidrow bemused and confused trying to figure out what happened to all your money.

I wish I could go somewhere and relax, anywhere where their is not neighbors constantly asking to swim in my pool.

06-09-2008, 07:20 PM
Go ahead and relax. Your neighbors no longer ask if they can swim in your pool, they just do it.

I wish I could figure out what to do with this first chapter...

06-10-2008, 02:25 AM
You figure out what to do with the first chapter, except now you need a lawyer because you buried the pages with that asshat who kept bothering you and forgot to tape his mouth shut.

I wish voice activated software actually worked.

Dario D.
06-11-2008, 07:34 AM
Granted. A legion of coders shall help your computer recognize speech... but don't be surprised if they turn around and wreck a nice beach.

I wish fast-foods didn't ask you if you'd "like to try our new ----- with that" in the drive-through.

06-11-2008, 08:30 AM
Granted. Instead, they just add to your order and charge you secretly.

I wish that I could weigh what I did in high school.

06-11-2008, 10:19 PM
Granted. Now nobody recognizes you and you are promptly accused of identity theft and sent away to the Arkansas State pentitentiary for 100 years.

I wish I could have 25 hours in the day.

06-11-2008, 10:37 PM
And since everyone who wants some of your time knows about the extra hour, they are all demanding that the hour be used for them.

I wish I had a little angel who edited my writing while I slept.

06-12-2008, 12:02 AM
and here she is-- sister mary grace, phd--my college english teacher. i am sure the dear little lady is an angel by now. sharpening her celestial red sharpee--just for you! better be on your toes with those participial phrases, never abuse the pluperfect, always use the possessive with a gerund and never, never confuse an adverb for an adjective. comma's? oh, she'll put them in for you--using your own blood for ink! a semi colon has a specific purpose and a colon has a specific purpose; only dolts confuse them. she will draw little red turkeys on your paper if you do doltish things.

sister will come to you at night, hovering just over your narrow twin bed. (sister does not allow gentleman callers.) she will explain it all, over and over until you get it--patiently if tediously. you see, she wrote her own stylebook and she loves nothing more than to talk about punctuation and the finer points of english grammar. just one small caveat--stay awake. don't even stifle a yawn. sister can turn nasty fast--real nasty real fast! --s6

06-12-2008, 02:28 AM
shakey didn't make a wish, so I'm making another one.

I wish I'd never wished for a angel to edit my work while I sleep.

06-12-2008, 05:26 AM

Unfortunately, SMG went to your neighbor, and drove them insane... so they burned down their house. You live in SoCal, you know how *that* goes.

I wish I had a house.

06-12-2008, 05:40 AM

The latest version of the Barbie Dream House will be shipped to your door immediately. Your sure to spend countless hours enjoying the three story home with its gourmet kitchen, open floorplan and pink walls. Oh yes, pastel colored furniture is included.

I wish I could spend a month in Italy this summer.

06-12-2008, 05:46 AM

On your first day there's a problem with your passport, and they confuse you for a smuggler. They lock you in a prison, with a decidedly "friendly" cell-mate, where you swelter for the next 28 days. On day 30 they deport you.

I wish I had something to drink.

06-12-2008, 06:22 AM
All of us genies attack you for such a pitiful wish, strapping barrels of various liquids to various parts of your body and running straws from said barrels through your nostrils.

I wish I was more tolerant.

06-12-2008, 06:27 AM

Now everyone walks all over you, and you don't say anything. You pride yourself on being tolerant, but really, everyone just thinks of you as a doormat.

I wish the straws were those little spirally straws. Those are cool. (And hey, it's hot, I'm thirsty. :D )

06-13-2008, 04:45 AM
Granted. Your straws are now the little spirally straws but you can get nothing out of them because they're way too small.
I wish the pink elephant money plants in my backyard would get to work producing money.

06-13-2008, 04:48 AM

But they only produce bills with pink elephants on them. Your neighbor (the stupid one) tries to buy something with it. The Treasury service arrests you for counterfeiting. Jay Leno ridicules you on the "stupid crooks" segment.

I wish I had a yard.

06-13-2008, 06:40 PM
Granted. You are now the proud owner of three feet, and since you didn't specify two left, one right, dressed in a sock, sandal and high heel respectively.

I wish I didn't have to wait for my tea to steep.

06-13-2008, 10:54 PM

You now have insta-steep tea. Which, unfortunately, was rushed to market without thorough FDA testing and/or approval. The rash should go away in a couple of weeks. The growths they're not sure about...

I wish it was time to go home.

06-16-2008, 07:18 AM
Granted. Home, unfortunately, home is the lion cage.
I wish I didn't have a sunburn.

06-16-2008, 07:44 PM

You don't have a sunburn because your body is now covered with a coat of long, luxurious, silky hair. You have become a Persian cat.


I wish I could write a first-rate novel in a week instead of taking years to turn out a mediocre one.

06-17-2008, 06:52 AM

But you only ever write *one.* The rest of your life is spent fruitlessly trying to craft a second one to measure up, costing you your fortune, your friends, and ultimately your sanity.

I wish a certain somebody would come back and play...

06-17-2008, 07:42 AM
Granted. But what you didn't realize was that the certain someone came to your house and play involved lots of sharp instruments (and I don't mean sharp trumpets.)

I wish I could snap my fingers and make the world a better place...

06-17-2008, 08:29 AM

Everyone disappears.

I wish it wasn't so late...

06-17-2008, 04:17 PM
Granted. It's now morning.

I wish breakfast would make itself.

06-17-2008, 07:38 PM
When you sit down to eat it, it tries to eat you.

I wish it was a paid holiday so someone didn't have to be in a meeting.

06-18-2008, 04:01 AM

Unfortunately, freelancers don't get paid holidays and the client wants it *now* or no more business... So you still can't meet that "someone."

I wish I was swimming.

06-18-2008, 05:26 AM

But the pool was 30 below and had ice floating in it

I wish I was having dinner cooked for me.

06-19-2008, 04:22 AM
I'm cooking dinner for you right now and it's going to be delicious- vegetable lasagna, Caesar salad and garlic/parmesan toasted bread.
All you have to do is hop on a plane and come get it.
Yum... It smells so good.

I wish I could stay this age forever.

06-19-2008, 04:27 AM

You're covered in a clear, plastic-like covering. Kept alive, but put on display in a nice, lovely little park. The pigeons do somewhat mar the plastic, but it's washable. :D

I wish I had a plane.

John Paton
06-19-2008, 04:36 AM

You have a rusty plane to finish off your latest woodwork project which is a work-bench made from Oregon pine. It does need oiling.

I want a cigar dipped in rum

06-19-2008, 04:38 AM

But you can't smoke it.

I wish... I wish I knew what the heck to wish for.

06-19-2008, 04:44 AM
You know what to wish for.
You wish for your own plane and you get it.
Have you seen the movie "Soul Plane?" That is your plane! With spinners on your wheels and Snoop Dogg as your pilot, you'll be arriving at your destination in style. :)

I wish I had a car that got better gas mileage.

06-19-2008, 05:16 AM
Granted. You now own a car, a Ford of course, that gets 99 mpg. Your sweet ride comes equipped with a single vinyl seat, no radio, or trunk. They had to leave these out to make room for the pedals, which you might need occasionally since the tank only holds about a third of a teaspoon of gas.

I wish the summer would finally start.

06-21-2008, 01:26 AM
Today is June 20, 2008. Summer has started--in the Northern Hemisphere.

Unfortunately, you have been transported to New Guinea, where you will stay for the next six months, and where summer doesn't start till December 1.


I wish I had a Segway.

06-21-2008, 04:06 AM
Done: you have one and lost it because your memory is failing.

I wish brown cows gave chocolate milk.

06-21-2008, 05:05 AM
Granted. Unfortunately the big dairy companies buy up all the brown cows and charge super premium prices for their milk.
I wish I had a freezer full of fruit juice bars.

06-21-2008, 05:39 AM
Granted. I just wish someone had plugged the freezer in. How you feel about a freezer full of juice? I guess we should call it fruit punch now . . .

I wish my total when I go grocery shopping tomorrow morning comes to $19.

06-21-2008, 06:01 AM
Granted, but you forgot half of what you went in for and have to go back spending 4 time as much the second time.

I wish I didn't live in a shoe.