View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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11-02-2007, 10:15 PM
Granted. The cute pink little pill aids in the dissolving of cellulite but has some unfortunate side effects. Your mood swings become more intense, your hair falls out, your skin wrinkles immediately and your eyesight goes bad. The upside is that none of this even fazes you since you are deliriously happy. But if you were so happy in the first place... why were you concerned about the cellulite...?

I wish I had a magic wand.

11-03-2007, 01:09 AM

It's a black magic wand. Every time you wave it something evil happens.


I wish I could live on my own private island.

11-03-2007, 01:43 AM
Oh, definitely granted. Immediately. Thing is, your real estate agent misunderstood precisely what you meant. You now are the only occupant on a chunk of rock in the Aleutians, where the only visitors are sea lions and gulls and at high tide, the surface area is approximately the size of the mens room at your neighborhood Chevron station.

I wish dentists didn't charge so darn much.

11-03-2007, 03:07 AM
Et voila! All dentistry, cosmetic or otherwise, is FREE! But M&M's are now $20,000 a pound.

I wish I could pay my lawyer.

11-03-2007, 02:33 PM

Of course he doesn't want money. He's taking it out in round-the-clock maid service over the next 30 years. And you will have to do windows.


I wish I could find a lost Rembrandt in my attic.

11-03-2007, 06:59 PM
Granted. You find Joe Rembrandt sleeping off a hangover in your attic, wearing your pajamas. He's a distant relative of Rembrandt Van Rijn , but he's from the bad side of the family, the ones who lived on the wrong side of the canal and set fires to windmills. He never painted a thing in his life and is a freeloader. He'll eat you out of house and home and steal all your credit cards if you don't send him packing.

I wish that my dog's paws were self-cleaning.

11-03-2007, 08:18 PM
They are, but his butt is not.

I wish my cat would give me back my snuggly blanket.

11-04-2007, 02:04 AM
Granted but it's covered in cat hairs and your cat is so unhappy now that you have no choice but to give it back to him - and still you feel guilty for taking it off him in the first place!

I wish I had a cat again

11-04-2007, 02:11 AM
Poof you have a cat. He is a cute little guy, except now you have cat hairs on everything including all your dishes.

I wish I were in Las Vegas.

11-04-2007, 06:26 AM
Granted. But you are the star attraction and you can never eat pizza or chocolate as you have to stay a size zero to fit into your sparkly dress. You are on a permanent diet and have to work out at the gym seven nights a week and learn all the words to the songs you sing.

I wish my husband would help me more with the baby

11-04-2007, 06:32 AM
After a wave of my magic wand your husband helps you with the baby. He becomes so good at taking care of the baby he leaves you with nothing to do. At first you enjoy it, but then resent that he has become a good mother. :)

I wish I may, I wish I might hear from the one I love tonight.

11-04-2007, 07:32 AM
OK, he'll call. To break up.

I wish I wasn't coming down with something.

11-04-2007, 08:33 AM

You aren't coming down with something. You're going up with something. Aliens are going to snatch you from your bed tonight and take you aboard their spacecraft. Once you are aloft they will place you on a table and...:eek:

I wish I had a butler.

11-04-2007, 10:10 AM
Poof you wish is granted you have butler, but the butler has sticky fingers and takes all of your valuables, including the most dear of all... your viagra.

I wish for 100 more wishes.

11-04-2007, 04:36 PM
Um no....

Didn't read the small print did you.

See here, under the maker's address: Anyone asking for more wishes will be forced to change places with the genie and spend the rest of eternity granting stupid wishes for idiotic ingrates.

Such as me....

I wish my house didn't have so many stairs.

11-04-2007, 06:36 PM
I wish my house didn't have so many stairs.


All the stairs in your house have been replaced with shafts containing ropes. To ascend, you climb. To descend, you rappel. Nothing could be easier.


I wish I had a credit card with no requirement that I ever pay it off.

11-04-2007, 07:07 PM
No problem, just go to Bank of America, they're handing them out to illegals like Halloween candy, and none of them are going to pay it back, why not you?

Oh wait, I was supposed to come up with something fake. Hmmm, let's see...OK, you have a credit card that you never have to pay back, but you can only use it at auto-parts stores. Good if you have an old clunker and the know-how to repair it yourself, but bad if you have a house to pay for and a family to feed and clothe.

I wish I could get warm for a little while.

11-04-2007, 08:38 PM
Poof your warm. Sipping Mai Thai's on a beach in Hawaii. It is warm, so warm you have to take your clothes off, when click, click the photographer from the Enquirer is there. You nude photos are posted all over the internet, and newspaper's around the world. It is also on all the billboards. The worse news is that you on line lover sees it and he now knows you are not the size 8 that you told him. :)

I wish my daughter would grow up and take responsiblity for her children.

11-04-2007, 09:41 PM
as a weary old genie w/3 daughters i can grant the wish. but this one comes with an advisory anchored in the dreary concrete of hardwon experience: once your daughter becomes responsible you will become the joan cawford of every family anecdote. your successes will be minimized; every mistake magnified. trust me--wille shakespeare had two daughters. that "sharper than a serpent's tooth" thing? it was said about a girlchild, not a boy child.--s6

i wish i had had the common sense to give birth to reptiles or amphibians--something that was on its own before the afterbirth dried up.

11-05-2007, 03:38 AM
Granted. You hatch a litter of chickensnakes and for the rest of your life you move large snakes off the furniture whenever you want to sit down or eat.
I wish I had all the little essays on books finished.

11-05-2007, 03:47 AM
Yes, they are all finished.

You said ON books didn't you. That's where they are. ON the books.

Written in a tiny illegible scrawl they meander between the paragraphs and down the margins of your most precious first editions.

So sad.

I wish that I had a house by a lake.

11-05-2007, 04:05 AM
You have a house on the shores of beautiful, artificially colored Red Lake # 4. Gahhhhh! Don't drink the water!

I wish I was a NASCAR driver.

11-05-2007, 10:15 AM
Poof you are a Nascar Driver, but you drive in the truck series and finish in 42 place all the time. Your sponsor is Matel and you are being sued because of the lead painted toys from China..

I wish for a money tree.

11-05-2007, 11:57 AM
OK, but it's Monopoly money.

I wish I could rule the world, just for like five years, and fix all the problems.

11-05-2007, 08:33 PM
You resolve wars, terrorism, hunger, child labor,sexual and emotional abuse, famine, racism, and wrap up your term with and end to lousy talk radio. Satisfied and serene you learn on one agreed with the way you did it and - banish you to be Brittany Spears nanny. 6 months later, as you wade through vodka bottles and Zig Zag rolling papers to find the baby's formula, you hear on the news that the world is back to the way it was.

I wish hosting a holiday party came with a gratis clean up crew and caterer keeping in the joy of the season- you know?

11-05-2007, 08:39 PM
Granted. The cleaning crew does a FANTASTIC job... removes every crumb. You see, they are raccoons and although your home may be "spotless" the smell and claw marks aren't exactly appealing... Your cat and dog didn't fare so well either...

I wish I could be in two places at one time.

11-05-2007, 09:35 PM
Well, OK, but I don't know if the surgeons are skilled enough to put you back together.

I wish my job didn't suck moose butt.

11-05-2007, 09:36 PM
...this one sounds familiar, but...your wish is granted. A chainsaw killer breaks into your house and saws you into two, leaving one half of you in the kitchen and the other half of you in the bedroom. Voila! You are in two places at once.

I wish that rain didn't have to be so wet.

11-05-2007, 10:03 PM
in a bona fide jode- era dust storm the rain can be mud. usually a fetching red color.(thanks to our sooner pals just to the south. for some reason they stock their dust in a different color. guess to be fancy.)

so i am granting your wish woofie-pie. only dusty red semi-liquid mud in place of rain. all over the world. boy--are you making friends today. the whole world wants your ass on a silver platter. but don't sweat it--soon it will snow. panhandle style --slushy okey- red globules of frozen mud. remember woof, when you strap your mattress on your model t and head out for the green hills of californy--there HAINT no green hills nowhere! furthermore i decree that we all have to talk and dress like the jodes until woof recalls this sorry wish. now i am fixing to sign off this here eee-mail and have at some grub afore my classes commence up agin---s6

i wush i hud pecked two more of them little vernilla sandwush cookies in mah lunchbox---s6

11-06-2007, 03:20 AM
Awww, here ya go, S6 - Don't mind the boogers mixed in with the filling.

I wish my ears didn't hurt.

11-09-2007, 12:17 PM

The finest surgeon in the world has just removed your ears. From now on you will feel nothing. You won't hear anything, either, but you'll have no pain! Isn't it wonderful?


I wish my next-door neighbor would stop playing John Ashcroft's recording of "Let the Eagle Soar" at all hours.

Ageless Stranger
11-09-2007, 12:22 PM
Your wish has been granted but, now he simply plays it for one hour at midnight on full blast. Sleep walker with a deep musical appreciation I guess. :)

I wish I had a bag of gold.

11-11-2007, 11:06 AM
Poof you have bag of gold. Now start running the leprachon is chasing after you and shooting his shotgun.

I wish I may, I wish I might Have Mexican food tomorrow night.

11-11-2007, 11:13 AM
here ya go joyce. as many burritos and taquitos as you can handle! with the included food poisonings. (and pico de gallo to boot!)

oy, papi, i wish somebody could get rid of the shegella in my lower intestine!!!

11-11-2007, 04:47 PM
as usual. i have no idea what a shigella is but since i am the only genie up at this ungodly hour i feel i must do something. so i am removing all of your intestines and replacing them with menudo. wish granted. and buen suerte on your next trip to the john--s6

i wish that all my future rejections will be written on one hundred dollar bills

11-11-2007, 05:07 PM

Henceforth, all your rejections will be written on $100 bills. You will be delighted when they start rolling in, especially if--like me--you get a lot of them.

Unfortunately, your smile will fade when the bills turn out to be counterfeit and you are hauled off to prison.


I wish I had a yacht and could spend half the year in the Mediterranean.

11-11-2007, 05:21 PM
i have just purchased a membership for you in the wichita yacht club. club med as we call it around here. well, us envious peons who will never have a chance to live the fat life in a fancy cosmo-polit-tan citified place like wichita, kansas.
now your yacht is really a pontoon boat. the arkansas river just is not deep enough for anything larger because the junked farm implements and car bodies in the riverbed catch up on anything with a rudder. and you definitely don't want sails in kansas. the twister thing, you know. but rumor has it there might actually be some water in the arkansas come spring. in the meantime have a coors--great local beer. the yacht club has a great bar--s6

wish i had more sleep last night

11-13-2007, 06:20 PM
Granted. You get more sleep than you bargained for, and "last night" becomes 12 years. You awake very rested, covered in 6 inches of dust and thirsty as hell.

I wish that I could re-live at least one whole day from the past.

11-13-2007, 07:06 PM
Poof your wish is granted. You will re-live the day you were born. It is full of terror, rushing through the birth canal and seeing all those lights and people with masks.

I wish my imaginary lover was real...

11-13-2007, 09:45 PM

He is very real now, but as soon as he materialized he fell for the woman next door.

They are very happy together.


I wish I could cast voodoo spells on all the agents who reject my manuscripts.:e2teeth:

11-13-2007, 11:56 PM
Granted. But since agents are used to having voodoo spells cast on them, they are all equipped with voodoo repellent which returns the spells directly back to the sender. You might want to pull the pins out of the dolls' eyes to avoid further pain.

I wish that my songs would be performed.

11-14-2007, 12:16 AM
No problem!

Your songs are being performed right now by Sammy the Shrimp. He's a bum who stumbles around the New York subways with a beat-up McDonald's cup, singing off-key. People sometimes put coins in the cup to make him go away.


I wish that MY songs would be performed.

11-14-2007, 01:37 AM
john denver is planning to sing all of your songs. from the bottom of the ocean. he is a skeleton now and he never could sing for shit--still you gotta love the guy.--s6 ps--i really do love the guy. my youngest daughter is named from one of his songs

wish he had remembered to fill that gas tank before he took off over the ocean

11-14-2007, 06:19 PM
Granted. John Denver is still alive, but because of the times, has become as dark, as cynical and as pessimistic as every other contemporary musician. Instead of Sunshine On My Shoulders, his latest hit is Carbon Gases In My Lungs.

I wish that pop music would experience a renaissance and become hopeful again.

11-14-2007, 11:27 PM

All pop songs now feature deliriously happy lyrics. Near the top of the list is a rock-and-roll version of that Disney classic "Zipadeedoodah (what a wonderful day!)." Close on its heels is a song from an old Danny Kaye movie called "Everything Is Tickety-Boo," performed by a 100-voice choir conducted by former Attorney General John Ashcroft. Farther down the list are remastered recordings of the Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited," Sonny and Cher's "I Got You, Babe," Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" and REM's "Shiny Happy People." New songs of delight are being recorded every day, especially at Sugar Pie Productions, Inc., of Happy, Texas.

Meanwhile, the top spot for the past 33 weeks has been held by Monty Python's sensitive, very touching "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."


I wish more people would look for proof before passing on every stupid-ass rumor they hear.

11-15-2007, 12:38 AM
I wish more people would look for proof before passing on every stupid-ass rumor they hear.

Granted, but now every library as a waiting line of 80000000 people and when you get there you realize no books are on the shelves.

I wished all my wishes came true.

11-15-2007, 01:50 AM
what could be easier dear gollum? you wishes WILL all come true. just stick with us--Evil Genies Inc.--"you make em--we grant em"--our motto.

i wish that all the races and countries of the world could come together in one vast joyful day of picnics and softball.

(Now just watch gollum. You would think that granting a generous, altruistic wish like this would make the world a gentler sweeter place. But wait till these bastards get finished with it. They will make me rue the day I wished it.)

11-15-2007, 05:58 PM
Granted. Too bad the weather turned nasty, tempers flared, the pitcher for the Eastern Bloc team beaned the clean-up hitter for Third-World, the bombs planted in the picnic baskets (for defensive purposes only) were detonated, and the subsequent radiation fallout assured that there would be no more picnics for at least 746 years.

I wish that lemons didn't taste so sour.

11-15-2007, 06:35 PM
Granted. Lemons no longer taste sour. They now taste like cotton candy covered in brown sugar, dipped in honey, saturated with molasses and sprinkled with confectioner's sugar. One taste of a lemon and your teeth rot and fall out and your blood sugar is so high that everything you write is unbearably saccharine.

I wish that chocolate grew on trees.

11-15-2007, 07:28 PM
chocolate does grow on trees woof.

i am not a chocolate fan myself--i wish milton hershey had discovered milk vanilla instead of milk chocolate --

11-15-2007, 08:59 PM
Granted. Unfortunately for you, milk vanilla now tastes exactly the same as milk chocolate.

I wish clouds had gold linings instead of silver.

11-15-2007, 09:09 PM
Granted. But the appearance of the gold linings is due to air pollution.

I wish the air was always clean.

11-15-2007, 10:20 PM
Granted. But we lost New Jersey in the process.

I wish there were 14 doughnuts in a dozen.

11-15-2007, 10:46 PM
Granted, but two of them are made of Play-Doh and are impossible to detect until you have eaten them, after which you may need to make a trip to the Emergency Room.


I wish no candidate could be elected to Congress unless I personally approve.

11-16-2007, 02:51 AM

Unfortunately the candidate you personally approved of used the Jedi Mind trick on you. You really wouldn't have voted Darth Vader in to congress and now unfortunately are forced to accept the fact that it is entirely your fault that the Empire is under the control of the darkside.

I wish I had infinite knowledge...

11-16-2007, 05:25 AM
Granted. Now you know the identity of the next American Idol. Lucky you.

I wish the Wizard of Oz was a real wizard.

11-16-2007, 06:23 AM
Granted: The Wizard of Oz is real and grants you your one wish, that he was real. :D

I wish I could meet Matthew McConaughey.

11-16-2007, 08:30 PM
Granted. But since yours was only one of several thousand similar wishes, the only way it could happen was to have McConaughey become Pope Matthew IX, and schedule an official group audience with him.

I wish all the potholes in all the roads all over the world would be filled in.

11-16-2007, 09:06 PM
Granted. They've been filled in with dollar bills taken directly from your account.

I wish ice-cream was a health food.

11-16-2007, 09:42 PM

Starting now, the only flavors of ice-cream available are rutabaga surprise, turnip supreme, fish-oil medley, and paprika-garlic-bioflavinoids gala. Other flavors will be added soon.


I wish there were a law banning idiots from governmental positions.

11-16-2007, 09:49 PM
Granted. There are no more idiots working for the government. Consequently, all government offices are empty and there is nobody running the country. Anarchy ensues, there is widespread violence and street gangs rule the nation. By comparison, Pakistan is a model democracy.

I wish that snow came in different colors.

11-16-2007, 09:54 PM
It used to. All the poetry was changed this century to reflect the worldwide precipitation pigment shortage....but they used to read more like these:

Between the trees,
and frozen lake,
the reddest snowfall
of the year...


...of a magenta Christmas,
just like the ones I used to know...

Why do crayfish have so many different labels--crawdads, mudbugs, and the like?

11-16-2007, 09:55 PM
Granted. White and yellow.

I wish the oceans were carbonated.

11-16-2007, 09:59 PM
Darn, late again!
Granted. White and yellow.

Picking it up:

Why do crayfish have so many different labels--crawdads, mudbugs, and the like? (Or, I wish crayfish didn't have so many different labels...)

Granted. As of now, all crayfish will bear the label: 50% acrylic / 50% wool.

I wish the oceans were carbonated.

11-16-2007, 10:00 PM
Hmmm... a combo...

Granted. The oceans are now carbonated and the crayfish w/ many names burp all the time.

I wish someone would come push the clock forward. It's captain time by my internal clock....

11-16-2007, 10:01 PM

Me & dobiwon need to work on our trigger fingers!

11-16-2007, 10:08 PM
Granted. You and dobiwon work on your trigger fingers and you both die in a blast of vowels and consonants.

I wish that I were faster on my trigger finger.

11-16-2007, 10:17 PM

You now have the fastest trigger in the West, as well as the East, North and South.

Unfortunately, your trigger finger is so fast that when you went to the zoo yesterday you accidentally killed all the animals (except for one lucky aardvark). But don't worry, your lawyer has had success in the past with the insanity defense.


I wish I could dine for free in the world's finest restaurants.

11-16-2007, 10:49 PM
Granted. You are now an offspring of Ratatouille. Enjoy.

I wish they'd bring back Burlesque.

11-16-2007, 10:59 PM

They brought it back--right into your living room. Your enraged family has moved out, and the cops are going to raid the place tonight. But if your record is clean, you won't get more than five years.


I wish my clothes would wash and clean themselves.

11-16-2007, 11:39 PM
Granted. But now they consider themselves too good for you. It's going to cost a bundle to replace them.

I wish I had tickets to the Super Bowl.

11-16-2007, 11:52 PM

You now have tickets to the Pinochle Super Bowl, which will be held in Egg Creek Township, North Dakota, on January 5th, when the temperature is expected to be 20 degrees below zero. Enjoy!


I wish I had 10,000,000 books in print.

11-17-2007, 01:05 AM
Poof you have 10,000,000 books in print. Except they are not written by you. They are all by Robert Waller.

I wish I had a back up of my NaNo Story all 23,000 words instead of the sticky 7,500 my crashed computer left me. :(

11-17-2007, 01:14 AM
Granted. A service was able to get all 23,000 words back for you. In return you will be expected to sign up for a year's supply of their "wonder cream", and supply them with email addresses for 23,000 of your closest friends.

I wish I could tell time by the sun.

11-17-2007, 01:31 AM
I wish I could tell time by the sun.

Granted. But now you live in the north pole, you don't have have a watch and the sun will not rise for months.

I wish chicken could fly.

11-17-2007, 01:52 AM
Why do you want chicken to fly?

Well ok then. It flies about in your stomach and gives new meaning to the phrase 'projectile vomiting'.

I wish there was a fool-proof scheme for wiping out clever people.

11-17-2007, 04:21 AM
There is. Insult a mod, get banned, and disappear from the face of the earth.

I wish there were no such things as scented candles.

11-17-2007, 05:52 AM
Granted. Your candles are no longer scented and this is why you can't smell the candle that falls onto the newspaper, sets it aflame and turns your house into a raging inferno. Hope you do like the smell of burnt wood.

I wish that all the hippies would return.

11-17-2007, 06:29 AM
Partially granted.

The problem is, not all the hippies could be found. The only ones that could be definitely located were deceased, and they are returning like characters from Night of the Living Dead. If you look out the window you will see them approaching your house right now.


I wish egocentric, narcissistic, no-talent, ridiculously-paid young celebrities would all go away.

11-17-2007, 07:02 AM
Your wish is granted but now you are bombarded with egotistical, steroid-loaded, over-rated professional athletes that don't have two brain cells to rub together.
I wish that the thong had never been invented. I do not have plaque build-up in my buttocks cheeks and do not need butt floss.

11-17-2007, 08:26 AM
Granted, but now all those hateful bimbos with the perfect asses will run around completely naked.

I wish I were Wonder Woman and could put my lasso around everyone I thought was lying.

11-17-2007, 06:34 PM
Granted. You are Wonder Woman and you lasso approximately seven billion people, give or take a few dozen truthful individuals. But even if that lasso is made out of high-quality spandex, even it has its limitations. The lasso breaks and you release seven billion liars into the atmosphere. And that can't be good for the environment.

I wish that all illness and disease would spontaneously vanish.

11-17-2007, 07:14 PM
okay--no disease. no illness. starting now. on genie shakey's orders. POOF. it takes a few weeks for the media to catch on. since it isn't bad news, or depressing news it just doesn't make the news. at first. and then every major and minor religion takes responsibility for the "healing" of humanity. fred phelps of kansas begins picketing empty cancer clinics saying people should be dying for americas sins but god is lazy and disorganized. the religious right is outraged that the rel. lefters are not suffereing. liberal democrats are claiming that belief in evolution and disneyland gays saved them from disease. on the international scene the situation is even scarier. islam cannot understand why judaism should get the same health amnesty that their prayers to allah have earned them. ireland is up in arms. and, eventually, the world is engulfed in the one thing worse than illness and disease: a world war fought not on political borders but relig. beliefs. wild eyed fanatics and suicide bombers are in charge. the world as we know it ends in fire and blood. and all because woof wanted to dodge his annual sniffles and trots--s6

i wish there was a gov. program to deliver turkey and stuffing to the homes of working moms --oh, and those candied sweet taters too. the ones with the pecans

11-18-2007, 03:22 AM
Granted - with modifications

There is now a program to deliver the turkey and all the trimmings to the homes of working moms, but the GBG (Genie Board of Governors) decided that your desire to put the program in the hands of the government was misguided. The government would be sure to foul things up -- the turkeys would go to Alaska while the stuffing went to the Virgin Islands and the sweet taters got mixed up with thousands of pieces of missing luggage. Some moms would be declared ineligible for the program while others would be forced to go through metal detectors and...well, you get the idea.

So the GBG has privatized the program. It is now in the hands of a fowl-based initiative called Turkeys R Us.

Happy Thanksgiving!


I wish politicans would stop making promises they don't intend to keep.

11-18-2007, 04:26 AM
Poof your wish is granted. All of the politican promises are kept, but....
They only make promises like: "We will never have longer than a 24 hour day, We will never change the name of our country, and only women will be able to have babies."

I wish that couples didn't stop having sex after marriage.

11-19-2007, 01:35 AM
I wish that couples didn't stop having sex after marriage.

Granted. People now mantain early 20's sexual impulses until their 60's(including women), depression rates decrease to less than 0.1% of the population;people, rich and poor, are all happier and healthier. All wars have been put on halt. Unfortunately...huuu...well, there must be some negative impact...there would be less time to read? :Shrug:

I wish there were no thieves.

11-19-2007, 03:43 AM

There are no more thieves. All former thieves are now known as "property appropriators."

Though this may sound like a simple name change, it is actually the same technique used by politicians every day.


I wish the street in front of my house were paved with gold.

11-19-2007, 04:22 AM
Granted. But as always you must be careful what you wish.... The streets are paved with gold. The shine so bright, you can't sleep at night when the full moon reflects off the precious metal. When the moon is not present, jack hammers are running all night from thiefs trying to get their ungained fortune.
The worst thing is that because of your lack of sleep, your true talent as writer and best selling author gets sidetracked. So instead of earning your millions you are sleeping.

I wish for whirled peas.

11-19-2007, 07:18 AM
Granted: The world turns into a pea with zero bodies of water. The population smells and begins to die out from the lack of fluids. Are you happy now?

I wish I had another day to relax.

11-19-2007, 10:07 PM

You will have another day to relax at the next syzygy involving the sun, the earth, and Neptune. It will occur in the year 2079. Until then, Ann Landers suggests that you make the most of each calendar day.


I wish I could think of, and carry out, an appropriate punishment for every person who has ever slighted or dissed me.

11-20-2007, 04:25 AM
I wish I could think of, and carry out, an appropriate punishment for every person who has ever slighted or dissed me.


The punishment comes in the form of a remote controled torture machine on sale and available worldwide. It has two buttons and a small display; one button shows a series of possible forms of torture and the second button activates it towards the person the remote controle is pointed at.
Unfortunately, since "the enemy of the enemy is my friend", you know have everyone who has ever slighted or dissed you pointing their remote controles at you. Tough luck.

I wish I could read faster and the days were longer.

11-20-2007, 07:16 AM
You can read at lightning speed, and the days last twenty hours, giving you plenty of time to enjoy all those books. Too bad you broke your glasses and are the last person left alive on Earth, a la Twilight Zone.

I wish I could dance like the people on "Dancing With The Stars."

11-20-2007, 07:19 AM
Your wish is granted. Oh, but not those people on the stage on Dancing with the Stars. Those people in the back. The ones with the three left feet, and four elbows..., and mutant head lice. Now you know why they aren't on stage.

I wish my Nano was as good now as it was in my head 18 days ago.

11-20-2007, 07:49 AM
It is, but 18 days ago, it still sucked.

(Just kidding, I'll bet it's great!;))

I wish I could fly.

11-20-2007, 08:47 AM
Poof you can fly. All your friends now call you tinkerbell. You fly over houses and see some things you wish your eyes never saw... like 5 300 pound plus people having group sex. It is an image you can not erase from your mind. :)

I wish that apples pies would make themselves.

11-20-2007, 09:14 AM

Apple pies are making themselves in your kitchen at a fantastic rate and are piling up all over your house. In some rooms, they have reached the ceiling. You and your family are fleeing with as many possessions as you can. The fire and police departments are unable to cope with the proliferation of pastry, and the President has declared an emergency and called out the National Guard, but since the National Guard is in Iraq, the pie situation has reached critical mass and is now beyond human control.

All you can do is run.


I wish I had a nickel for every minute I've wasted during my life.

11-20-2007, 09:21 AM

The good news: You're richer than Croesus.

The bad news: This is your life now.

How much do I have? 5c... 10c... 15c...
*RING* Dangit... stompstompstomp
"Hello? HELLO? I am fine, thank y- ... no, I do NOT want insurance!" *CLICK*
Now... where was I? 5c... 10c... 15c... 20c...

I wish kids today showed some respect to their elders. *grumble*

11-20-2007, 10:00 AM

They all say "Yes, Sir" and "No Sir" but then grumble around like old men and scrape the fences with sticks as they promise to never be an old 40-year-old man who demands thay say silly things like "Yes, Sir" and "No, Sir"

I wish I had more time to grade papers.

11-20-2007, 06:35 PM
Granted. You have been giving the gift of being able to grade papers in your sleep. Unfortunately, you've lost the ability to dream, and the Chippendales miss you in the audience every night.

I wish everyone wore name tags.

11-21-2007, 12:10 AM

However, all names have been turned into numbers, and all the people in the world are walking around like characters in some futuristic novel, with identifying numbers on their chests.

I hope you are happy now, Number 398260296875801538928678269378.


I wish people would stop giving each other expensive but useless Christmas presents.

11-21-2007, 12:18 AM
Granted. From now on, people will only give cheap but useless Chrismas presents, and they will give them in September.

I wish it were possible to supersize your meals and not supersize yourself.

11-21-2007, 01:50 AM
No problemo!! Now, every meal is supersized, and because they take up so much room, you need a bigger table, a bigger dining room, a bigger house....

I wish my stupid cat would quit chasing her tail!

11-21-2007, 02:17 AM
Granted. Now she chases your tail instead.

I wish that people would let you stay on ONE DAMN TRACK of conversation, instead of opening the same can of worms they did the last time. Grrr. Argh.

11-21-2007, 10:05 AM

So the same can of worms stays open and no one can get them in control.

I wish we didn't have to travel during the holiday season.

11-21-2007, 10:44 AM

A transporter like the one in the Starship Enterprise has been installed in your living room. (You know the one--"Beam me up, Scotty.") Simply program the transporter to deliver you to a desired location, step on the platform, and you will be whisked to your destination. Unfortunately, in some cases a transportee's molecules have become mixed with those of random insects, but if that should happen you are guaranteed to be featured in Popular Science magazine.


I wish I could come up with a plot that no one has ever used before.

11-21-2007, 11:01 AM
Granted. Number 273, east lawn, Dig-Yr-Own Cemetery, overlooking East River Garbage Scow Terminal, Bayonne.

I wish mullets had spoilers and racing stripes.

11-21-2007, 12:09 PM
yeah. think you are onto something sr. sombrero. since most mullets are turning sparse and gray these days a little extra refurbishment makes sense. wish granted. i am blinking you into your own mullet makeover shop. we'll call it...hmmmm sr.cachucha's little shop of hair-er. you can be the beauty consultant to the rapidly aging male pop.

we'll stock it up with that spray- on- hair- enhancer in neons and metallics. offer laser detailing. and for the customers with those out of date lynnerd skynrd tattoos you can peddle cover up tattoo transfers.

while we are at it, lets bring back the ducktail, too. you can shelf some of those vinyl elvis do's. you might want one yourself. and has the eddie munster widow peak ever really gone out of style? and what about crow's feet? oh, gosh, and for the jersey crowd the joey buttafucco oil slick. i think a couple of grease guns will cover that fashion option. what a great career for you! i am going back to bed now. maybe this good deed will help me to sleep--s6

i wish that there was an ointment for spasming muscles that smelled like a high class perfume and not a geriatric home

11-21-2007, 05:19 PM
Granted. Ben-Gay now smells like the high class perfumes used by high class ladies of the night. However, it was such an immediate success that it's now being used in virtually all geriatric homes. So, not only do you still smell like a geriatic home, but it has caused immense confusion to thousands of men, young and old alike, out for a good time.

I wish that tomatoes really were vegetables.

11-21-2007, 05:37 PM
Granted, but now they taste like a cross between turnips and pears. The tomatoe farmers can't sell them and have to sell their farms to developers, who build condos.

I wish people would just say what they mean.

11-21-2007, 06:06 PM
Granted. And now thanks to your wish, the words infer and imply have disappeared from the English language.

I wish I could memorize the dictionary.

11-21-2007, 06:27 PM

Webster's Unabridged Dictionary is now built into your brain. You can reel off not only a word's meaning but also its spelling, alternate pronunciations, disputed usages, synonyms, etymology and innumerable other lexigographical details.

Naturally, each time you use a word you must include all that information, which makes for some long sentences.


I wish I knew the secret of the universe.

11-21-2007, 06:37 PM
Granted, but you're disappointed to learn its just a science project for really powerful beings. Worse still we came in fourth.

I wish I could astral project.

11-21-2007, 06:44 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, once your spirit saw what your body really looked like, it refused to re-enter.

I wish that when leaves fall from the trees in autumn, they would fall into nice neat piles, making them easy to gather up.

11-21-2007, 07:39 PM
Granted, but the piles soon form communities and lobby the government for voter status.

Soon after a ficus tree named Larry is elected President and Congress is controlled by the Shrub party.

Soon they pass a bill that allows for burning piles of people without proper permits.

This is all your fault.

I wish I could take a trip around the world.

11-21-2007, 07:44 PM
Granted! You're on the newly designed north by south route, which starts at Midway Island (airfare to this point the traveler's responsibility) then off you go! Straight north, over the Bering Sea on over the polar ice cap...hey, look--it's the North Pole! Snap a few photos than let's head south. Well, EVERY way is south! But we're headed south between Greenland and Newfoundland. We miss both land masses, and continue south over the Atlantic, stopping at the Falkland Islands. Little cold and windy--sorry. Snap a few photos and then on to Antarctica! Lunch at McMurdo Station, snap a few photos, and we'll have you back at Midway Island by tomorrow's lunch! Bon Voyage!

I wish my boss expected less of me, but paid me more handsomely for the effort.

11-21-2007, 07:51 PM
Granted. Your boss now expects absolutely nothing of you, and pays you with money he printed himself. He has always viewed himself as the most handsome person ever created, and so, he considers his money the most handsome, and is glad to freely share handsomely, especially with one he considers so un-handsome as yourself.

I wish I could paint still-life.

11-21-2007, 07:53 PM
Granted, they make you upper management. You get an office, a 50% pay raise, 4 people reporting to you and a secretary. A month later your secretary file a harassment law suit against you. You lose your job and go to jail, where nothing is expected of you.

I wish I could control time.

11-21-2007, 07:58 PM
Granted, but you can only paint while upside down and looking into a mirror.

11-21-2007, 10:28 PM
I wish I could control time.


However, there has been a minor glitch in the Genie Control System and your wish was not processed according to the usual standards. You now can control a plant with narrow, wiry stems; evergreen leaves arranged in opposite pairs; and white, pink or purple flowers with dense terminal heads and an uneven calyx.

You can control thyme.

The GBG (Genie Board of Governors) apologizes for any inconvenience this misunderstanding may have caused but denies responsibility for any and all damages you may attempt to put forward in a court of law. In addition, the GBG is revamping its system in order to eliminate puns.


I wish I could stop writing these lame attempts at humor.

11-21-2007, 11:12 PM
Granted. Regretfully.

I wish Nymtoc would be forced to continue his lame attempts at humor.

11-21-2007, 11:32 PM
Granted. Regretfully.

A team of brutes (the kind you see in movies forcing galley slaves to row until they drop dead) is standing by with whips, forcing Nymtoc to continue his lame attempts at humor.


I wish they would stop the very lame and totally unfunny custom of having the President pardon turkeys at Thanksgiving. (Too late for this year. Maybe next year?)

11-22-2007, 01:28 AM
Granted. Now death row is over-crowded with turkeys, especially when their lawyers are visiting. Their death sentences are only delayed, however, after the warden makes a practical decision and changes the rules: from now on convicts facing execution only get two choices for their last meal - white or dark meat.

I wish that turkeys wouldn't be put at such peril twice a year and that another creature would be chosen for the festive feast.

11-22-2007, 01:54 AM
Granted, Now I have to learn how to prepare Meerkat stew for Thanksgiving.

I wish I could see through walls.

11-22-2007, 03:36 AM
You can, but only the walls at seedy by-the-hour motels. You know, they do say, be careful what you wish for!

I wish my cheap-ass fiance would let me turn on the %&$#@& heat!

11-22-2007, 05:37 AM
Granted: The heat is on and stuck at 90 degrees. You can’t shut it off and all the windows are sealed shut for the winter.

I wish it would snow really hard, my job closes until things clear up and I get to lay around in comfy clothes and read.

11-22-2007, 05:47 AM
It snows hard, and just keeps snowing nonstop for weeks. You're down to your very last fun-sized 3 Musketeers bar leftover from Halloween before you can dig out, and your job is permanently out of business due to lack of productivity. Best of luck!

I wish "The Holidays" were over. It's so depressing this time of year.

11-22-2007, 05:42 PM

The Holidays are over--forever. They have been replaced by the Warm and Fuzzy Days. The Warm and Fuzzy Days are similar to the Holidays but are even more heartwarming and sentimental and require you to visit everyone you ever met, give them useless gifts, praise their cooking, compliment them on their families and tell them how much you love them.

If you can't tell the difference between the Holidays and the Warm and Fuzzy Days, don't blame the genie.


I wish I could write a best-seller.

11-23-2007, 12:01 AM
I wish I could write a best-seller.

You can. It's called "Dr.Stranger-than-love: How I stop worrying about best-sellers and started to write within my abilities and eventualy published a good novel."

I wish my dreams came true.

11-23-2007, 12:04 AM

Oh, you didn't mean your nightmares? Oops. Try running away from the 1000eyed monster with the pitchfork. And from the creeeeeeping daaaaaarkness. And Gollum's on your back trying to poke you in the eye for stealing his name - just thought I'd warn ya.

I wish I had some ice-coffee left in the house, darn it!

11-23-2007, 07:01 AM
Oh, but that's ALL you have! No food, no soap, no comb, no clothes at all. But mmm, that ice-coffee is delicious, isn't it?

I wish "March of the Penguins" wasn't such a $%&#@*% downer already!!!!

11-24-2007, 12:08 AM
I wish "March of the Penguins" wasn't such a $%&#@*% downer already!!!!


"March of the Penguins" was remade with multi-million dollars special effects and a very "creative and original" plot in which a group of badass penguins(whose leader has Ben Affleck and Johnny Knoxville's voices put together) get out of their home to try and conquer the war by launching iceberg bombs only to realize-icebergs melt. The poetic beauty of the images is completly removed and is no longer a downer.

I wish Brando, Nicholson, Pacino, DeNiro, Sellers and Lemon had all acted in a Kubrick directed film...together!

11-24-2007, 03:13 AM
I can't believe you missed "The Good Hot Pink Godfather of the Waterfront!" The cinematography was awesome.

I wish I could have had the day off today like the entire rest of the normal world.

11-24-2007, 03:29 AM
Granted, you now have a day off and you can do absolutetly anything you want, providing you stay padded in your office.

I wish I wasn't so undecisive with everything.

11-24-2007, 03:58 AM
Well, I guess I could grant your wish...or wait, maybe I shouldn't, I mean, maybe you'll get spoiled from getting everything you ask for...but on the other hand, maybe I should, because I wouldn't want to jeopardize our friendship...Oh, I don't know!

I wish dinner was ready already.

11-24-2007, 05:41 PM
Granted, Domino's pizza is at the door, enjoy.

I wish this election cycle was already over.

11-24-2007, 06:05 PM
Granted! George W. Bush declares a state of emergency and vows to stay in power until the war against terrorism is won!

I wish I could write as fast as I read...

11-24-2007, 06:21 PM
Granted, now no one can understand what you write either with all the spelling and grammar mistakes you start to make.

I wish I could race in the Baja 1000.

11-24-2007, 07:47 PM
Well, OK, but you're gonna come in dead last every time.

I wish I had some nice hot buttered cider.

11-24-2007, 08:13 PM
Well ok then. Mind out though - it's hot.

Don't grab! Oh now look what you did.

3rd degree burns. I'll sue!

I wish the ambulance would come a bit quicker.

11-24-2007, 11:13 PM
I wish the ambulance would come a bit quicker.

Granted. Unfortunately, to increase speed of response the person closest to the ambulance attends the call and the ambulance is right next to the kitchen. The chef probably won't help you, but he can cook your favorite food as your last meal. Hmmm!

I wish I had no schedules.

11-25-2007, 06:56 AM
Granted. You are now homeless and free to wander about as you wish. Unfortunately the temperature has dropped sharply and your cardboard box is very drafty.
I wish I had my Pearl Harbor piece for my fanzine done.

11-25-2007, 10:06 AM
Granted, and now you have 100 biographies on 100 different women in space due next week.

I wish for a new computer

11-26-2007, 12:49 AM
Granted: Your new computer is a donation from the U.S. Defense because they recently refreshed their 1960s computers.

I wish my football team will win the rest of their games.

11-26-2007, 10:46 PM
Granted, but the only way the genie could make that happen was to dress them in little skirts and have them play field hockey against the local high schools.

I wish all drivers would be courteous to all other drivers.

11-26-2007, 10:53 PM
Granted. Traffic comes to a complete stop, all over the world as this little scenario is played out endlessly:

"After you,"
"No, after you,"
"You're too kind, but after you,"
"Ah, but I must insist--after you...."

Fine work Don, thanks!

I wish there was a new wing of the Smithsonian, dedicated to all things toothpick-related.

11-26-2007, 11:16 PM
Granted. Designed by Frank Lloyd Elm, the only tricky part was installing the required number of fire sprinklers--one per square foot of toothpick exhibit. Unfortunately, the glue that held the cityscape of Beijing together (the wing's most popular exhibit) gave off toxic fumes and the first three thousand visitors became sick (twenty-six of them died) before the glue finally cured. By the way, the second-most popular exhibit is the display of toothpicks used by the losers of the American Idol and Survivor TV series.

I wish dental floss came in licorice flavor.

11-27-2007, 03:37 AM

The new licorice dental floss tastes great. It also turns your teeth black--permanently.


I wish I had a clone who would do all my unpleasant chores so I could spend my time having fun.

11-27-2007, 04:40 AM
Okay, but he also gets to have all the sex. Bummer!

I wish I wasn't home all by my lonesome tonight.

11-27-2007, 01:57 PM
Granted. Here's a split personality so you're not alone. You'll always have someone to talk to now. ;)

I wish I could see Egypt in ancient times.

11-27-2007, 05:25 PM

You have been transported to Egypt in the year 2700 B.C. The Great Pyramid is being finished, and work is being completed on the Sphinx. You are able to see all this and more because you are a slave, having been captured in war and sold at auction. Over the course of many years, if you are persistent and reasonably clever, you may be able to buy your way out of slavery.


I wish US Presidential campaigns could be limited to a period of three months.

11-27-2007, 05:36 PM
Granted, now we have 3 months of campaign ads run 24/7 on tv, nothing else but ads.

I wish I was a world famous author.

11-27-2007, 05:37 PM
Granted. The downside is that months are now 243 days long each.

I wish rain would never fall till after sunset, like in Camelot.

11-27-2007, 05:39 PM
I wish I was a world famous author.Congratulations, you are famous--and rich too, thanks to the popularity of porn.

(repeating a too-late reply): I wish rain would never fall till after sunset, like in Camelot.

11-27-2007, 08:33 PM
Done, but the streaker police are standing beside your money waiting to take you away. You must spend the next ten years rotting away in prison for indecent exposure while your money goes to the state to cover costs.

I wish all the people who owed me money would pay up so I could relax and write this winter.

11-27-2007, 08:37 PM
Granted Dobiwon, and your wife leaves you for Lance on the first downpour.

I wish all the people who owed me money would pay up so I could relax and write this winter.

11-27-2007, 10:00 PM
Granted, but they pay in rubles and you can't find anyone who will exchange them.

I wish I could get tickets to the NCAA BCS Chapionship game.

11-27-2007, 10:26 PM
You got 'em. The only problem is, that since the genie is part leprachaun, the tickets are only valid if Notre Dame plays in the championship game (good luck)

I wish I could afford to take a trip to Australia.

11-27-2007, 11:54 PM
Granted, but its a one-way ticket, when you land you get taken to the outback to camp.
When you wake you find everyone has left you and you don't know your way back. You get lost and have to live off the land.

I wish people would listen to me.

11-28-2007, 05:18 AM
They listen to you snoring...does that count?

I wish I had something hot to drink.

11-28-2007, 08:53 AM
Granted! Here's a bottle of hot sauce.

I wish I had a pet lemming.

11-28-2007, 05:33 PM
Granted. Now you must follow it everywhere (and I mean everywhere).

I wish I could remember to .... uh, I forget...

11-28-2007, 05:35 PM
Well, if you can't remember, what makes you think I can??

I wish I had a pet reindeer.

11-28-2007, 05:41 PM
Come on up to the North Pole--Vixen just had twins.

I'm sorry I lost my list of "Whose Nice"

11-28-2007, 05:55 PM
Granted. You're sorry you lost your list of "Whose nice" but found your list of "Who's Bad" and under their influence you are leading a dissolute, decadent life (but having more fun).

I wish that dog hormones could be controlled by a method other than neutering.

11-28-2007, 06:06 PM
Granted-- a doggy nasal spray has been invented that takes care of it. Unfortunately, it has led to numerous dry cleaners and trouser manufacturers going out of business.

I wish drug stores still had soda fountains.

11-29-2007, 03:21 AM
There are still a few, but they put heroin in everything.

I wish my boyfriend didn't have to work nights until Christmas Eve, dangit.

11-29-2007, 02:43 PM
Granted, but they make him work more overtime than you ever imagined.

I wish creativity flowed through my fingertips like it used to.

11-29-2007, 07:28 PM
Granted; you now have a new profession as a massage therapist.

I wish my dog wouldn't bark so much.

11-30-2007, 01:33 AM

I have stuck his mouth up with toffee. Trouble is the dribbling is worse and all the sugar is rotting his teeth.

Meet your new pooch - Gummy.

I wish I had nice white shiny teeth to blind people on sunny days when I flash my charming smile at them in the park.

11-30-2007, 04:37 AM
OK, but you better get a very expensive lawyer for when all them poor folks start suing you for damages.

I wish someone else was home to cook dinner.

11-30-2007, 08:13 AM
Alrighty. I'm coming over to do it for you. Hope you like chops of pork.

I wish the damn football game would end already. I want to watch Law and Order Criminal Intent on DVR.

Ruth Barringham
11-30-2007, 08:19 AM
OK. It's over. But only because a crazed maniac came and killed all the players. Now, on Law and Order and Criminal Intent they are trying to solve the crime. So you're still watching the "damn game" but it will be the last ever now that all the players are dead.

I wish I could work twice as fast to get more done every day.

11-30-2007, 06:23 PM
Great! Done, but everyday twice as much will be expected of you as was the day before. Here are a pair of dancing slippers to help you on your journey.

I wish I could go on TV and have my ride pimped.

12-01-2007, 12:09 AM
I wish I could go on TV and have my ride pimped.

Granted. Unfortunately the next night, while you're sleeping, some pimp confuses your pimped ride for his own. You know have time to pimp the two legs that are going to get you everywhere.

I wish I had 6 months vacations.

12-01-2007, 12:29 AM
Granted. You hold up a bank and then get six months accommodations in a very large facility which includes three meals daily, plus your own personal attendant to watch over you 24 hours a day.

I wish my dog would learn to walk himself and bring back some groceries on the way home.

12-01-2007, 12:57 AM

He not only walks himself and does the grocery shopping, he has taken over every other responsibility in your home. He runs the household, makes all the plans, arranges every event and keeps you on a leash.

However, he expects you to walk yourself.


I wish TV reporters would stop asking people how much money they plan to spend for Christmas.

Ruth Barringham
12-01-2007, 02:45 AM
Granted. The reporters don't ask shoppers about money any more because of the massive snow blizzard that is set to last for weeks and so there are no reporters or Xmas shoppers outside. Because of the freak weather Christmas has been cancelled. So enjoy the mountain of snow and happy holiday.

I wish I had a magical ability to pull out a $20 bill every time I put my hand in my pocket.

12-01-2007, 03:14 AM
Granted, as long as he teaches my dog once he's got it down.

I wish I could see all the way around the hill so I'd quit expecting greener grass on the other side.

12-01-2007, 03:15 AM
Granted. You can now cheat at Monopoly all you want.

ETA: Someone else sneaked in there! Got another wish to grant: You can see all the way around the hill, and the grass really IS greener over there. Too bad about the barbed wire though.

I wish there was a decent fast food restaurant close enough that I didn't have to drive to it.

12-01-2007, 03:20 AM
Granted, but each twenty comes with a cache of hungry beggars holding out cups. You know twenty dollars doesn't go far these days.

I wish I could see all the way around the hill so I'd quit expecting greener grass on the other side.

12-01-2007, 03:26 AM
I give!

Look out the window. There are cats zipping by all over your yard.

I wish I could type faster.

12-01-2007, 03:45 PM
You can now type so fast that everyone at AW wants you to type up their manuscripts for them, and you being the swell gal that you are, you can't say no, so there you are, typing away at lightning speed, until your fingers literally fall right off your hands.

I wish the cat would get off my lap so I could go to the lavatory.

12-01-2007, 04:41 PM
poof- the kitty is now off your lap. run to the john and do your business. don't try to close the door. kitty is now your shadow--she will jump against any door, bumping the knob, until you open it. how do i know this? because i am transferring to your cat all of my cat's bad habits. (that door bumping thing is real annoying but she sits on the alarm and bitches if i let her in the room. throw her outside and she hangs on my window and yowls--why the hell else would i be up at 6: a.m. on a saturday morning?)

did i mention that your cat has become a starer? yup--she will follow you anywhere and stare at you with that smarmy little half smile that cats have while you do whatever you have to do. it is a real trip--like having a thirteen year old daughter again. you can never do anything right! she likes to sit on my computer desk and scoff at my writing. when i dress she can hardly stop sniggering. oh, and sex? just you wait!--s6

wish someone would put up my tree for me--s6

12-02-2007, 08:34 AM
You got it! It's an 8 foot, silver-lame monstrosity, with purple metallic ornaments. Lovely, and so festive!

*And my cats and yours must be related, or somehow communicating with one another, cuz they appear to have identical nasty habits!*

I wish my gut would settle the %^*&*%$ down already!

12-02-2007, 10:25 PM
Okay! Your gut will now be married to Hans, who will feed it pancakes 24 hours a day until it literally BURSTS with happiness. Good luck with the clean up...

I wish I could meet a fictional character.

12-03-2007, 04:37 AM
One Hannibal Lechter, coming up!

I wish I could be warm, just for a little while.

12-03-2007, 06:02 PM

Check your watch. You will be as warm as toast for exactly one minute. After that, freezing temperatures will return.


I wish people would stop blaming all the ills of the world on the media.

12-04-2007, 03:42 AM
Kalamazam! They now blame the persons truly responsible. For shame, Bill and Hillary!

I wish life was fair.

12-05-2007, 07:29 AM
Done! But how fair can life be when it's always leading toward death?

I wish I were eighteen again with all my knowledge.

12-05-2007, 05:53 PM
Granted, but even with all your knowledge no one will listen to you because of your age.
You also can't buy beer and the only job you can get is at the mall at the Baby Gap.

I wish everyone gets their Christmas wish fulfilled.

12-06-2007, 03:25 AM
OK. Too bad about Santa, running around carrying all that junk and trying to achieve world peace and all. He's just going to collapse under the strain, so, sorry, but this will be the last Christmas ever!

I wish my dog would sit still and let me take his picture with his little Santa hat on, so I can post it in the Family Album.

12-06-2007, 06:44 AM
Poof you wish is granted... You have hundreds of pictures of your dog in the Santa hat, but now all that look at it say "Choppermom that hat looks great on you. You should wear it all the time."

I wish Santa would come to my house, even though I have been a naughty girl.

12-06-2007, 07:58 AM
Oh, yes, granted!

But you know what this means. I won't even try to describe what Santa is going to put in your stocking. But YOU know what it will be, and I don't envy you. I do have some advice, though. Go get some strong deodorizer before Santa arrives. You're going to need it.


I wish I had already written and addressed all my Christmas cards.

12-06-2007, 09:58 AM
Granted, but every single one of the addresses is a digit off, so the envelopes either arrive a day late or are returned to you.

I wish no type of bully ever existed.

12-06-2007, 10:00 AM
Poof you have written, addressed and mailed all your Christmas cards only you used the wrong address book and all of them went to your Jewish Friends.

I wish I knew what Nymtoc meant about the deodorizer... Does coal smell?

12-06-2007, 06:22 PM
No, not really, but you ain't gettin' no coal...

I wish I didn't ever have to go to work ever anymore.

12-06-2007, 09:40 PM
Granted. You're fired and you'll never be hired anywhere again. Now get in line for your welfare check and food stamps.

I wish I had a pony.

12-06-2007, 10:16 PM
Since there are several definitions for the word "pony," the genie wasn't sure which definition you had in mind and settled on this one:

"Pony...Something small for its kind, especially a small glass for beer or liqueur." -- American Heritage Dictionary.

The glass is empty, but you can put something in it if you want.


I wish I could fly above traffic instead of getting stuck in it.

12-06-2007, 10:19 PM
Poof! You can now fly above traffic but you cannot exceed .5 miles per hour.

I wish I had a pony--the kind with a mane and tail and hooves that lives and breathes and eats hay.

12-06-2007, 10:22 PM

Presto - you now have a pony. But it refuses to leave your house, so go on out and buy you a shovel and some heavy duty deodorizer.

I wish my book would write itself...

12-06-2007, 10:46 PM
Shazam! Your book is writing itself.

And it's a tell all, about you.

Now your boss knows all about the office supplies you took.

Oh, and your mom wants her pink stiletto heels back.

I wish I could find my WIP's hero.

12-06-2007, 10:50 PM

You now have a live-in roomate who refuses to clean up after himself, won't get a job and feels a need to whine incessantly at you about his problems.

I wish I were somewhere else.

12-07-2007, 07:22 AM
(Ohhhh, too easy!)

You are now in deepest Siberia. Cold, isn't it?

I wish my cats were not all idiots.

12-07-2007, 05:59 PM

One of them is a moron. :e2cat:


I wish I were a better cook.

12-07-2007, 06:22 PM
Granted. You are the finest chef in the land. You win the Coq d'or from the Cordon Bleu Academie, acquire a phony French accent, become insufferably arrogant and gain 200 lbs. Still, your lapin farcie avec petits pois et pamplemousses sauvages sans gout is formidable!

I wish that a law decreed that work was limited to writing.

12-07-2007, 10:17 PM

Under the new law, writing is the only form of work permitted. You have now been assigned to a job in which you will write all the fine print on cereal boxes--listing ingredients, calories per portion, amounts of total fat, saturated fat, trans fat, polyunsaturated fat, monounsaturated fat, cholesterol, vitamins, minerals and trace elements for the rest of your life.


I wish I could advise the members of the Supreme Court.

12-08-2007, 01:52 AM
Granted. You give your advice to the members of the Supreme Court, all of it in the form of nagging:

"Overturn Roe vs. Wade!?" Over my dead body you will!"

"Who do you think you are, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court!? And sit up straight! Don't think I can't see your slumping shoulders under that robe. Didn't your mother teach you about good posture?......"

After you've had your say, their honors come to a just and unanimous decision to have your tongue cut out before you are drawn & quartered, disemboweled and hanged.

I wish that politics had absolutely no influence on justice.

12-09-2007, 06:14 AM
Now, the only thing that influences justice is the whims of corrupt judges.

*Dammit, I keep forgetting, I'm supposed to be making up fake stuff!*

I wish I had a Tony Little Gazelle.

12-09-2007, 06:59 AM
Granted: You receive a real Gazelle with a bag of grass.

I wish someone would do my Christmas shopping.

12-09-2007, 07:09 AM
Poof! Your Christmas shopping is all done, only everyone on your list is now getting a fruitcake!

I wish I had hot cocoa.

12-09-2007, 07:26 AM
You have hot cocoa...but it gets all cold and congealed before you can drink it.

I wish I got A's on all my exams...

12-09-2007, 09:53 AM
You did, but your professors still failed you. They are all madly in love with you, and want to make sure you repeat their classes, so they can be around you for another semester.

I wish I had a tasty snack.

12-09-2007, 10:11 AM
Okay.... here is your tasty snack... Gingerbread.... but now it's the only thing you can eat for the rest of your life...

I wish I would find the great love of my life.

12-09-2007, 06:42 PM
there she is! the great love of your life. i know it will make things a bit thorny for friends and family but trust this sweet old genie-lady who has lived a longer life than you. pure narcissism is the way to go. it is cheaper, because every expenditure is exactly what you want. it is conducive to excellent mental health because you don't have to think of anyone but yourself. and best of all, if you are witty and halfway attractive ,people will love you for it. and if not who cares anyway.--s6

i wish i had a dogsled to get arounf town today

12-09-2007, 07:24 PM
Granted.Unfortunately you did not wish for dogs to pull it so it now sits uselessly in your front yard.
I wish I had a free unending source of Asian food.

12-09-2007, 07:30 PM
Poof, Your wish is granted. You have Asian Food in your crock pot, on the stove, in the oven, refridgerator, and all over your house. It is even in your toilet. Stacks of asian food containers are growing on the floor in the livingroom and it is slowly reaching your bed. Soon you will be rolling in asian food as you sleep.

I wish for all the people of Ramona California to have a Merry Christmas, despite the hardships they are suffering from the recent fires...

12-10-2007, 01:01 AM
Bibbidy bobbidy boo! You got your wish! They will have a merry Christmas, but surprise! They're at your house this holiday and they're taking all your gifts, eating all your food, and sleeping in your beds. You have to clean up after them and all their pets and the only thing left for you to eat during Christmas dinner is a Jell-o mold.

I wish a certain person I lived with would be quiet when I am at the computer.

12-10-2007, 02:30 AM

But that certain person raises holy hell when you are NOT at your computer--yelling, screaming, banging on pots and pans, playing high-decibel music and trying out a siren swiped from a fire truck.


I wish could travel anywhere in the world for free.

12-10-2007, 02:47 AM
You got it! What a great wish! But unfortunately, you can't get a flight back home, so you have to go to every single destination there is anywhere before you can go home again. Better pack extra underpants!

I wish someone else would bake me some Christmas cookies.

12-10-2007, 06:50 PM

Everyone in town is responding to your wish. Home-baked cookies are arriving at your house by the carload. Your living room, bedroom and kitchen are already filled to the ceiling with cookies, and cookies are starting to pile up in the garage. You have been forced to move outdoors, but soon there won't be enough space there, and you will be transferred to a homeless shelter.

This festive season, you see, brings out the best in people. :D

I wish people who produce annoying commercials (like those for something called Head-On) would be sentenced to hard labor.

12-10-2007, 08:58 PM
Granted. They are now all being forced into construction projects around your neighborhood.

And to make it better, thay have none of those cushy powertools. Just manual saws and sledgehammers.

Lots of sledgehammers.

As a matter of fact, they are replacing all of the sewer drains and [pipes in your neighborhood. So that street you are fond of driving on, will be a bit of a mess for the next 2 years.

But, FEAR NOT. They are installing a sani john so you won't be without a usable facility.

You just have to share it with all of your neighbors and the workers.

OH LOOK....IS that a 'Chili Factory' opening up across the way?

I wish both deer and squirrels would learn to use the crosswalks properly.

12-11-2007, 04:28 AM
Granted Deer and Squirrels both now use the crosswalks, however now no pedistrian can get across the street.

I wish I could get over the death of an ex-lover.

12-11-2007, 04:51 AM

It doesn't bother you a bit. Now, about that life sentence...

I wish I could talk to animals.

12-11-2007, 05:58 PM
Granted. You are able to talk to all animals, but lose the ability to talk to people. Consequently, your barks, meows, moos, brays, caws, quacks, grunts and hissing are constantly mis-interpreted, you are ostracized from society, and go live in a cave with a family of bears.

I wish that I had a beautiful singing voice.

12-11-2007, 09:31 PM

They don't know whether to compare you to Caruso, Pavorotti or Mario Lanza. At any rate, you are now the toast of the opera world, from La Scala to Covent Garden to the Met.

The problem is, in order to develop this incredible singing voice you have had to put on weight. You now weigh 400 pounds and must be wheeled onstage in a specially designed apparatus, which makes things a bit awkward in Pagliacci.

But you do have a lucrative recording contract. :D

I wish I could go into stores right now without being assaulted by hideous recordings of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

12-11-2007, 09:40 PM

It is now the actual reindeer that do the assulting.

Those horns have got to hurt!

I wish people would stop pretending that the foil hats actually keep aliens from influencing our thoughts.

Oh look, Peach pie!

12-12-2007, 05:15 AM
Poof... people no longer believe in the aluminum hats, however now they all think that the aliens are influencing their thoughts.. so no one is doing anything. Everyone stays in their house, afraid to listen to music, TV and Talk radio.

I wish reindeer really knew how to fly. It would sure save me money on my airplane tickets.

12-12-2007, 06:14 AM
Reindeer unfortunately cannot fly, but caribou can, so it's pretty much the same thing. You just have to separate a caribou from the herd, like a wolf would, except that the caribou don't take too kindly to one of their own being separated, I mean, THEY don't know you're not a wolf, so they are kind of going to try and trample you. I sure hope you can run fast!

I wish this candy I have here did not taste quite so delicious, because I'm going to eat it all up, and that would be bad.

12-12-2007, 07:34 AM
Granted, the candy now tastes like the accumulated sand in the bath tub after a trip to the beach. However, your candy lust is insatiable and you eat it anyway. Not only does it taste bad, but now you're fat.

I wish I wasn't fat.

12-12-2007, 07:57 AM

'Nuff said.

I wish I was glamorous.

12-12-2007, 09:13 AM
Granted. But now you're Paris Hilton.

That one seems too harsh. :)

I wish I had an unlimited stock of Diet Coke.

12-12-2007, 12:12 PM
Poof you have all the diet coke you ever need. Now people are always trying to break into your house and steal it, since the stores no longer carry it. You have to spend all your money on security.

I wish Santa leaves me a new Toyota Matrix.

12-12-2007, 06:50 PM
Granted. Your new Toyota lives up to its name and you drive into the Matrix, where you bump into Keannu Reeves, who's more weird than ever, and you're never heard from again.

I wish that supermarkets and shopping malls were banned forever from playing Feliz Navidad at Christmas.

12-12-2007, 07:08 PM
Granted. No more Feliz Navidad. However to fill the empty space, malls are now playing I'm a Barbie Girl.

I wish I had my degree already and didn't have to complete this last semester of school.

12-12-2007, 10:09 PM

You have your degree. It is a B.B. (Bachelor of Blacksmithing). You now know everything there is to know about making horseshoes, nails, metal tools, hinges, door handles, pots, candleholders and other useful objects. All you have to do now is spend three or four years of apprenticeship, doing things like watching your master do his work and helping him with common tasks such as carrying tools and melting iron.

Of course, you may have problems finding employment, but you didn't wish for a job, did you?


I wish I knew what happened before the Big Bang.

12-12-2007, 10:40 PM

You discover that....

Uncle Fester Farted.

I wish that every one who has 'Visualized Whirled Peas' gets a trip to a pea soup factory this year.

12-13-2007, 08:24 PM
Granted... buses are loaded with folks to tour the pea soup factory, families are packed in their mini vans, and singles are finding the pea soup factories a great place to meet their mates. Sales of pea soup out rank Prime Rib! The beef, chicken, and pig farmers are going out of business. They start a war called the battle of the pea.

I wish my husband would replace the laptop he dropped on floor. Ouch...

12-14-2007, 04:33 AM
He replaces it with my old Sony Vaio, which kicked off all on its own about six months ago without even the excuse of having been dropped. It weighs like nine thousand pounds, so why it's considered "portable" is beyond me, but it's all yours now!

I wish I had the money to buy my boyfriend a nice Christmas present. He's the best, and I love him very very much. He deserves a nice gift, but I'll have to save up to be flat broke, so I can't get him anything this year. :cry:

12-14-2007, 01:03 PM
You have the money and buy your boyfriend the best gift ever, he appreciates the gesture and all is fine until he uses it once and it somehow malfunctions. Then he's mad at you for spending the money.

I wish my travel plans would go smoothly and HURRY UP.

12-14-2007, 08:58 PM
Granted. Your travel plans go smoothly everyone is at your beckon call. Doormen, waiters, ticket takers... However the time goes so fast you don't feel like you had a vacation.

I wish I can get all my shopping for Christmas done... sooon and fassst.

12-14-2007, 09:38 PM

You find that the only store in town without a long queue is the "adult" store.
You get all you Christmas shopping done in twenty minutes.
However, not everyone is impressed with their gifts. Granny can't figure out how to work hers, but perhaps more worryingly, Uncle Bert figures out how to work his immediately.

I wish that two plus two equalled five.

12-15-2007, 01:43 AM
Granted. Just like ancient Indians who saw that when they tied two two-knotted ropes together, five knots resulted. So two knots plus two knots is five knots.


But now you have to live with the fact that you have changed the course of human history. No space shuttle, etc.

I wish I owned my own house.

12-15-2007, 02:05 AM
and poof! so you do! granted, it is a little out of the way. at the heart of a deep, glowering forest to be exact. but hey--no sweat about market slumps in this location. it is a cheery little cottage landscaped in gumdrops and peppermint pillows. there is a frosting of snow on the shingles--no wait. those are neccos not shingles and that is really frosting. did i mention that your house is made of gingerbread?

but no problem with that, right? it is snug and warm...oh no! who are those fat kids chewing on your shutters??????? --s6

i wish that slipping on the ice would be as much fun as it was fifty years ago

12-15-2007, 03:48 AM
It is, but the broken hip is not.

I wish I had some hot boozy cider.

12-15-2007, 05:43 AM
okay--how about david crosby? he is boozy. no denying that. the drug thing and the fathering melissa etheridge's kids kind of make him a rebel type outsider. the hot thing? well, he was when he was twenty. and he still aint too harsh on the eyes of a woman pushing sixty---oh. wait. did you mean cider? too late. tell dave i said hi---s6

i wish each of the birds visiting my feeders would leave me a nickel to pay for the seed--s6

12-15-2007, 07:57 AM
OK, but they're all plugged, and since they're from birds, you don't EVEN wanna know what they're plugged with.

I wish I had the ball of yarn I need to finish the baby blanket I'm crocheting, so I wouldn't have to drive all the way to Michael's tomorrow morning.

12-15-2007, 08:18 AM
okay--michael is going to drive the quasi-yarn to your house. he has the sheep ranch next county over. he shears the little darlings himself. of course you will have to card and spin the wool into yarn. and dye it. with madder roots that you dig from the frozen ground. (i read a lot of conrad richter novels about pioneer america)--s6

i wish that choppersmom would crochet me a couple of antimacassars

12-15-2007, 11:55 AM
OK, but I can't vouch for their quality, since I haven't got a clue what an antimacassar is.

I wish S6 would tell me what an antimacassar is.

12-15-2007, 03:20 PM
back in fred and wilma's day men used to wear a hair oil called macassar. an anti-macassar was a crocheted thing that went on the back of upholstered chairs and sofas to protect them from the macassar. my great grandmother used to turn them out by the bushel basket.

i wish i were a font of more pertinent information--like for example what is a byte, what is the difference between run and save and what happened to stereo phonic sound.

12-15-2007, 05:59 PM
Granted. People call you at all hours of the day and night so that you never get any rest from answering questions.
I wish I owned every book about the United States Navy in the World War II South Pacific, especially those dealing with Taffy 3.