View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

Pages : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 [14] 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72

Just Mike
09-19-2007, 11:54 AM
Granted: Unfortunately, your culls got mixed-up, misspelled, and sent to Netflix.

You are now the recipient of ten copies of Kull the Conqueror, with Kevin Sorbo in all of his nineties Herculian gusto.


I wish I had some Herculian gusto.

09-20-2007, 10:58 PM
Granted. You now have the new improved product that treats erectile dysfunction which is a hundred times stronger than Viagara, called Herculian Gusto. Your newfound "strength" is no longer called into question, although you do have to go around wearing a tent.

I wish that all pain would turn into a warm and fuzzy feeling.

09-21-2007, 12:21 AM
Poof! Granted
All the soldiers in Iraq and the citizens are dancing the Tarantella together and decorating the tanks with garlands of paper mache made from their military orders.
As you drive by hospitals you hear Areas being sung in harmony coming from the surgical suites.
People are naming thier babies after their dentists and April 15th is renamed Love you Love Me day. Taxes are doubled as we laugh it off and plant roses around the IRS building. Venutians catch wind of it and descend upon us, the hapless lot of feeble minded fools that we are. You are captured and taken to their lands to weave your magic. As we can feel no pain, we don't miss you.

I wish my mandolin would teach me to play it.

09-21-2007, 12:47 AM
silly talk, a mandolin doesn't have the smarts to teach you anything. but POOF- here is bruce hornsby to teach you 'mandolin rain'. unfortunately it is the only song you are capable of learning. you play it over and over. and over and over and over. until you get it right. which you never do--because you aren't bruce hornsby. too bad you couldn't learn a peppier song. this one is a real downer! "listen to the banjo wind. a sad song singing low. listen to the tears roll as you get set to start again--s6

i wish that my dog was a robot so i could disable her fleas

09-21-2007, 01:01 AM
Granted: Your dog is a robot with a mind of its own. An electrical shortage made the voice commands distorted so when you yell, ‘Fleas’ it starts to pee.

I wish I could retire now with enough money to live comfortably.

09-21-2007, 08:29 PM
You retire and all of your money instantly inflates into soft downy pillows. You lay down in slumber- oh so comfortable. Of course you can't pay your house payment so it is in foreclosure so you are dumped into the street, soft plump pillows and all.

I wish there was honor in watching as much television as I do.

09-21-2007, 09:30 PM
your problem is that you are in the wrong place. in the real world watching those old andy of mayberry reruns and the endless 'flip this property " marathons is viewed as a mere waste of time. so i am zooming you to a place where watching too much tv is an accomplishment. yes--you are now a resident of the Alzheimer's ward in the county hospital. step up and take your med cup. those little pills will help the endless quiz shows go down a little easier. now don't get your depends in a bunch. if you get too cranky nurse ratchett will push you back to your room and turn the key---ss

i wish i lived in mayberry instead of bug tussle---s6

09-21-2007, 10:24 PM
Granted. Barney Fife immediately decides you are a Communist spy and watches you constantly in search of proof.
I wish I were smart enough to figure out how to use the MP3 player.

09-22-2007, 12:58 AM
Granted. Once it becomes known in Washington that you can use the MP3 player and are proud of this, you are named the new Secretary of Defense and you have to get us out of Iraq.

I wish printer ink cartridges cost $1.00. $1.50 for color.

09-22-2007, 01:41 AM
Granted. Your ink and color cartridges now cost $1 and $1.50 respectively. However, Acme Cartridges, the cheap brand that you purchased is not very reliable and your printed pages are full of ink blots. The upside though, is that now you can give yourself a Rorschach test every time you print something.

I wish that every weapon of war would turn into a fluffy ducky.

09-22-2007, 02:07 AM
okay woof. all weapons of war are now fluffy dicks. sex as we know it ended today at 5:03 pm--central standard of course. what a way to end the world and prevent future wars. but how did you ever think of fluffy ... oh? did you mean ducks? so sorry. i misheard. guess this is the end of the world as we know it. and a sucky ending, indeed. no pun intended. --s6

ps i wish that the corndogs served at the kansas state fair were a health food--s6

09-22-2007, 04:57 AM
Granted. All corndogs at the Kansas state fair are now made out of ultra healthy soy and have no taste whatsoever.
I wish I had a complete collection of Cameron Dokey fairy tales.

09-22-2007, 06:07 AM
granted, but while you doing grocery shopping your collection spontaneously errupts into flames. nothing else is damaged.

I wish my ex would stop blaming everything on me!

09-23-2007, 07:24 AM
Granted. Your ex now only blames you for what is wrong in his life and not the whole universe.
I wish there was a cure for biblioholism.

09-23-2007, 09:49 AM
Granted - All books have been completely destroyed.
I wish I would stop procrastinating.

09-23-2007, 10:23 AM
you will finish every project under deadline. i will get to it tomorrow.

wish my kid could make curfew

Just Mike
09-23-2007, 12:37 PM
Granted: Your kid becomes admirably punctual.

As a matter of fact, the child in question begins to arrive home earlier and earlier each day.

At first, the kid is early by mere minutes, but soon the minutes stack into hours. You notice a real problem when the kid walks out the door, hangs a u-turn, and tromps right back into the house.

You are now the proud caretaker of the ultimate in curfew observance fanatics: a shut-in.

I wish I could commune telepathically with telemarketers and telekinetically give them telewedgies. I'd settle for telepurple-nurples, though.

09-23-2007, 07:14 PM
That was a beaut. Never realized how peaceful it is around here when the young'uns are gone. Always worry that they are whipping up another batch of young'uns when they stay out late. But hey, this is worse!

So you want to be the Uri Geller of Wedgies? So be it. "Peace of mind? Piece of cake! Thought control? Get on board..." On one condition. You follow me around the PA and AW boards and give the posters of my choice a big old smiley wedgie. And I have a wall full of rejections. If you could just deliver up a wedgie or two to the ________ Agency. And to __________. Oh--and while we are at it, lets drop in on a tele-evangelist or two. Well, how can we spare the politicians? Teddy or George with an on- camera wedgie? Priceless.

Then there is this little ex-principal of mine. Kind of a scrawny flat headed little bastard in a JC Penney boxed shirt and tie set. I'd like to get him while addressing the student body. Then there is this Highway Patrol peckerhead that I swear waits for me. And this old bat at Iris Club who said my "Dover Beach" was really "Edith Wolford" ..Whoa Mikey, looks like you have second job. I, of course am immune. Because you cannot give a wedgie to a senior in Depends!---s6

i wish i could be as skinny as david byrne

09-23-2007, 10:15 PM
Granted. You are now so skinny you fit through a straw. Oops, you drowned in a can of soda. Sorry!

I wish I could go to Ireland.

09-23-2007, 10:34 PM
So do I. But when you get there you unknowingly enter a sacred grove and the fury of the druids that lingers over the place messes up your mind completely. You can't even remember that you're in Ireland, not to mention that you've developed a severe Druid-inflicted tree-phobia that will make people think you're nuts.

I wish I was on a beach in the Caribbean.

09-23-2007, 11:08 PM
okay, you are on a bitch in the caribbean. unfortunately your wife is just under the next palm tree. dozing for now but this bitch is a howler...oh, wait. did you mean beach? so sorry. looks like divorce court will take everything thing you own. but what the hell? how much do you need to live on a beach?--s6

wish i could make a profit off the 34 ripe squashes rotting in my garden. i am sick of them and so is everyone else in town--s6

09-24-2007, 12:40 AM
So you sell those 34 squashes in the market downtown and go home with a small fortune. Unfortunately your customer gets grave food-poisoning. Seeing that you cluelessly sold evil squashes to the President of an Alien empire that used to be friendly to the US and the Earth (until the squashes), you find yourself dragged in a nice piece of intergalactic trouble. Of course you'll lose the small fortune in the trial, plus everything else you own. You'll also probably get murdered. Sorry - time to start believing in reincarnation!

I so wish the day was 48 hours long.

Just Mike
09-24-2007, 01:15 AM
Granted: The days are now exactly 48 hours long.

Unfortunately, you have now slowed the rate at which the earth revolves.

Problem A: No creature or plant in the world is adapted to survival for a 48 hour day. Mass extinctions follow.

Problem B: Both day and night temperatures are pulled toward extremes. The sun first beats down too long, then is absent too long. Ecologies are shattered. The deserts become uninhabitable even to the creatures adapted to live in them.

Problem C: In a bizarre magical corollary to Newton's Third Law, the moon doubles it's rotational speed around us.

The tidal effects are . . . interesting. The accelerated movement of tidal action causes sea temperatures to rise rapidly. This rise in temperatures causes the polar ice caps to melt, flooding the coastal areas of every continent.

You are personally responsible for a new dark age on the earth.

I wish I could play the trumpet like Miles Davis.

09-24-2007, 01:52 AM
of course you can play the trumpet like miles dewy davis. (my mother was a music teacher.) i cannot see one thing that could backfire with this wish. except of course that miles davis is dead. but wanting to play like a dead man is your wish. who am i to judge? i am sure miles is now, no doubt, playing with red nichols, satchmo, jimmy dorsey and old dizzy, in the angel band. only stumbling block i can see is how to get you in the angel band. i propose a year of blameless living followed by a painless lethal injection. they say carbon monoxide and poison pretty much tear up the vocal chords.--s6

i wish peggy lee and the angel choir would sing "fly me to the moon" for me and only me--s6

09-24-2007, 04:13 AM
Granted. You now own the only recording of their rendition of fly me to the moon. Unfortunately you are now also being stalked by everyone else who wants your recording. You are forced to hide in the remote Canadian mountains and only get to come out at night in order to buy batteries.
I wish it was cool enough to sleep.

09-24-2007, 05:01 AM
its cool enough to sleep - because its a blizzard and all the power has been knocked out!

better light a fire!

I wish lego's didn't hurt so much when you step on them in the middle of the night!

09-24-2007, 06:03 AM
Brrrring! (thats the sound of my wand)
Now the souls of your feet are full of thick calluses that make them vertually insensitive to any object on the floor, including that round hairbrush you are about to step on.

I wish the Eagles didn't wear those obnoxious throw-back uniforms today!

09-24-2007, 06:14 AM
You got it! Look, naked football players.

Hey, now everybody has the ball(s).

Man, I wish I hadn't answered that that way....

09-24-2007, 06:23 AM
Brrring! Now your keyboard doesn't work.

I wish football players did play naked!

09-24-2007, 06:43 AM
okay, but they will need to wear their jocks on their heads then. to protect their malleable brains.

i wish bowling was a naked sport

09-24-2007, 09:05 AM
Granted. From now on, all bowling is done naked. Unfortunately, bowling is mainly watched by elderly gentlemen and their grandchildren. The eldery gentlemen have heart attacks. The grandchildren are scarred for life. Bowling alleys are closed due to heavy protesting. Then, bowling is outlawed. As a result, all the kids that hung around bowling join gangs that throw cities into chaos. The squirrels take advantage and run for municipal postions on the grounds that they may be unclothed, but at least they keep their nuts hidden. They win the elections, and open up an entirely new branch of the government: nut hunting. People are paid $10 an hour to search for nuts. Un-employment drops, and the kids in the gangs become productive, nut-seeking citizens. They all applaud you for your wish, even though in all likelihood they wouldn't have needed to work as nut-seekers if you had just kept your big mouth shut and let them bowl.

I wish for world peas.

09-24-2007, 06:45 PM
Granted. Unfortunately all the princesses in the world now have big bruises and are in danger of dying from sleep deprivation.

I wish I could get my WIPs edited--for the final time.

Just Mike
09-25-2007, 04:00 PM
Granted: I edit them for you.

unforTuNatly i Fewgot mi spectakles.


I wish I didn't need to wear eyeglasses.

09-25-2007, 05:16 PM
Granted. You now have x-ray vision stronger than Superman. So strong in fact, that there is nothing you can't see through--brick walls, solid steel, women's blouses. Problem is, that you can even see through your own eyelids and live in a world of perpetual light and never sleep again. Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, you rip your eyeballs out of their sockets, only to discover that your super human eyes have the power to regenerate and grow back even stronger. And there it is. Some wishes just turn into an unending nightmare.

I wish that a third gender would emerge.

09-25-2007, 07:39 PM
Granted ( warily though) There's one now- erotically beautiful and seductively handsome at the same time both men and women are helplessly drawn to them. Within minutes, even the most strong willed, committed for life, religious spouse is putty in their hands. Men and women will hand over their last dollar, defy their own principals and believe every word that comes from those pouty lips. Mothers and fathers send their children to fight anyone who disagrees with them. Their every action is followed by the media, they are waited on hand and foot and paid for their mere thinking. There's another one! On it's way into the big white building we built to honor their perfection. Hail our elected officials.
I wish only sincere people could smile .

09-25-2007, 10:53 PM
Granted. You step out into a crowd and this is what you see:

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :) :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Depressing, or what?

I wish that I could compose music.

09-25-2007, 11:02 PM
I wish I could have my Grand Parents Back in the world..

09-25-2007, 11:15 PM
I wish I could have my Grand Parents Back in the world..

Not until you grant my wish.

09-26-2007, 04:33 AM
Granted, Monsieur Woof. You compose music for a cult whose idea of music is banging garbage can lids together.
4indianwoman has her grandparents back but must now deal with the generation gap between them and her parents.
I wish I had a tandem bike.

09-26-2007, 06:52 AM
granted. you have a tandem bicycle. unfortunately this particular tandem bike was designed by wilbur and orville dick, kansas' own premier agricultural inventors. the dick brothers may not have always gotten it right, but they did get it first. these were the towering intellects behind the inflatable plow, the push combine, plastic ballbusters, the curling/branding iron, the hexagon hay bale, and the boomerang scythe. (that one never caught on). anyway, like most of the dick bro's designs, this one has a flaw or two. the iron tires and seat being the most noticeable. oh, and who would have thought of a barbed wire spool on the cross bar? still, this bike is just the thing for you and a friend to ride on a day of checking the pasture fencing. just don't try to outrun a bull on it--s6

wish i could find my traveling wilburys album

09-26-2007, 08:16 AM
Brrrrring! Granted, now if only you had a record player!

I wish people never got cancer.

09-26-2007, 04:50 PM
Granted. Now everybody's fearlessly smoking and in two years' time the smoke forms a fog around the Earth that blocks out all sunrays. First the trees fade, then the squirrels die. And finally Earth becomes a dead planet. Sorry. I wish there wasn't cancer too.

I wish it was Christmas now.

09-26-2007, 04:56 PM
Granted. People never again get cancer. That means of course, that all those industries that both cause cancer and treat it and profit from it, also die out. No more oil companies. No more auto makers. No more tobacco companies. No more fast-food restaurants. No more medical establishment. No more pharmaceutical companies. All in all, not a bad tradeoff.

I wish that people everywhere would rise up against corrupt and inept governments.

09-26-2007, 05:25 PM
Granted. They do, everywhere. Then they do what they always do--become the corrupt, inept, Peter-principle, flawed governments that make the old ones look not so bad, in retrospect. But enough of the maudlin flavor this thread is taking of late!

I wish the hideous lady who drove the ice cream truck through my neighborhood did so much faster, taking turns on two wheels and sending the little bast- I mean, the children, diving into the ditches for cover, all just for my entertainment.

09-26-2007, 05:41 PM
Granted. But as she does so, all the ice-cream gets thrown out of the truck and gives your house a new colourful coating (unfortunately it's gonna melt soon, but don't worry, the walls will stay sticky ever after.) Of course the hideous hag is fired and ends up on the dole (you'll have that on your conscience too), so the children will gather in a circle around your house every day making noises and playing hide-and-seek and who-can-scream-loudest. Good luck with your writing. :tongue

I wish it was Christmas already.

09-27-2007, 12:53 AM
Brrring! It is now Christmas for only you! Everyone else still celebrates it in December when you will be banned from the celebrations.

I wish bras were more comfortable.

09-27-2007, 06:45 AM
Granted: You bought the new Millennium bra that only covers your areolas and attaches to Velcro straps that go around your ribs. It’s comfortable except when the Velcro comes apart leaving you flapping underneath your white blouse.

I wish I owned more property.

09-27-2007, 07:17 AM
Granted. You own the whole world. You are repsonsible for everything and everyone in it. What's worse, all the reputable aliens refuse to buy Earth from you... they say that humans whine too much and smell too horrible for them to even lease the planet, let alone buy it outright. So, you're stuck with either responsibility for all the world's ills, or selling all of humanity to the alien testing lab. Which will you choose?

I wish my headache would go away.

09-27-2007, 08:00 AM
viola! No headache! No head, either, but....

I wish my muse would stop drinking and slurring in my ear.

09-27-2007, 08:22 AM
Brrring! Granted... I'll leave you alone now.

I wish I would stop wasting valuable writing time in Office Party.

09-27-2007, 05:03 PM
Granted. You now waste valuable time in any number of forums. Except for this forum, of course, which is the most valuable, productive and worthwhile forum in this whole website, and in the entire universe, for that matter.

I wish that world leaders were as imaginative as writers.

09-27-2007, 10:58 PM

Fidel Castro is now thinking like Steven King and George Bush is thinking like Dan Brown

Queen Elizabeth is thinking like Kim Harrison and Michaëlle Jean is thinking like Chelsea Quinn Yarboro.

Gloria Macagapal-Arroyo is thinking like Raymond Wong and Martin Torrigos is thinking like Robert Anton Wilson

Phillip Michael Jeffrey is thinking like J.R.R. Tolkien and Hamid Karzai is thinking like Ben Bova.

Guy Verhofstadt is thinking like Karey Brown and Luiz Inacio Lula Da Silva is thinking like Liam Jackson.

Mohammed Hosni MUBARAK is thinking just like David Eddings and Mikheil SAAKASHVILI can’t help but think like Dave Berry.

Personally I’m glad Pres. Bush isn’t thinking like Mary Shelly.

I wish more AWer’s would post ‘excuse me’ when they farted.

09-27-2007, 11:01 PM
Granted, but I suspect the server will crash due to over-posting by this afternoon.

I wish I could find a bra that held these beauties in place without pinching.

ETA: Excuse me.

09-28-2007, 01:20 AM
Granted! Thanks to the designers of the Ford Edsel, you are the proud owner of the first Edsel Headlights Bra. Comfortable and stylish and you can walk anywhere at night and see where you are going! (batteries not included)

I wish clothing was option for the Southern United States during the months of July, August and September.

Just Mike
09-28-2007, 04:35 AM
Granted: The entire southern U.S. is a nudist colony.

Unfortunately, as everybody knows the only cooking anyone does in the South is frying; the population soon discovers the delights of grease spatter on bare skin. People can't get any food to eat, their bodies rejecting any substance bereft of artery clogging fatty lipids.

You are responsible for the Great Fry Famine of '07, and the deaths of an untold multitude.

I wish I had the guts to stop fooling with the ending of my WIP.

09-28-2007, 04:55 AM
Granted: Your WIP stands for Woman in Peril and she stopped fooling around with you months ago.

I wish I could go on an extended weekend trip.

09-28-2007, 05:09 AM
Granted: Your WIP stands for Woman in Peril and she stopped fooling around with you months ago.

I wish I could go on an extended weekend trip.

Granted. It only cost you a few bucks but it turned out to be time released LSD and lasted days. It's ok. You should come down by Halloween.

I wish my refrigerator hadn't stopped working.

Just Mike
09-28-2007, 05:10 AM
Granted: Hop into my van and we'll go on that trip.

What? The smell? Oh, I think a weasel or something died in my engine. It'll clear up in a couple (hundred) miles.

Hmmmm? The radio. Yeah, the only station I get is in Esperanto. Sorry about that. I know all the lyrics to "Lola" if you're inter-- no? That's cool.

Say, is that the world's largest ball of used dental floss? Awesome! We've gotta stop and take pictures. Maybe they'll let you stand on top of it!


I swear I didn't know you couldn't drive on the White House Lawn, ToT.

Think of Gitmo as yet another extension of our trip!

ETA: Man, Delarege, you stepped on my witty, witty post. Just for that I'm going back in time and strapping you and your perfectly functioning refrigerator to the top of my van.

Enjoy the ride, bird boy.

I wish I could adopt every stray cat and dog I see.

09-28-2007, 05:52 AM
Granted. It only cost you a few bucks but it turned out to be time released LSD and lasted days. It's ok. You should come down by Halloween.

Granted: Hop into my van and we'll go on that trip.

What? The smell? Oh, I think a weasel or something died in my engine. It'll clear up in a couple (hundred) miles.

Hmmmm? The radio. Yeah, the only station I get is in Esperanto. Sorry about that. I know all the lyrics to "Lola" if you're inter-- no? That's cool.

Say, is that the world's largest ball of used dental floss? Awesome! We've gotta stop and take pictures. Maybe they'll let you stand on top of it!


I swear I didn't know you couldn't drive on the White House Lawn, ToT.

Think of Gitmo as yet another extension of our trip!LOL! You guys know how to treat a lady.

Granted: Every stray cat and dog you see is yours, but you have no place to put them. Your van is the only home they will know, so you move your bed in the back. 5 WEEKS LATER The police find your body covered with poop. The cats and dogs escaped through the window.

I wish I can get a job doing something fun.

09-28-2007, 05:55 AM
LOL! You guys know how to treat a lady.

Granted: Every stray cat and dog you see is yours, but you have no place to put them. Your van is the only home they will know, so you move your bed in the back. 5 WEEKS LATER The police find your body covered with poop. The cats and dogs escaped through the window.

I wish I can get a job doing something fun.

Granted. A position just opened up working with animals. Someone is needed to clean up Just Mikes poopy body.

I wish my back didn't hurt.

09-28-2007, 06:44 AM
Granted: Your back stopped hurting, but you stopped a cabinet from falling with your head.

I wish I could win at least $25,000 in Vegas.

09-28-2007, 07:44 AM
poof. it is yours. in u.s. currency. what is the catch? there is none. you won it fair and square in a mumblety-peg game, from a twelve year old named mayer costelo.

what is a twelve year old doing with that kind of money? you don't have to ask do you? his old man is connected. his uncles and aunts are connected. his grandfather was mayer lansky. his father is ... never mind. it is bad luck to print that name.

anyway the money is yours. for now. little mayer was crying pretty hard when he left the playground. he works hard for his pocket money. a grown man playing mumblety peg for cash dollars is probably not going to go down too well with his family. on the other hand i am sure once you get the identity change and find a nice town in south america you will enjoy the few years left to you--s6

i wish i had the actual cash value for every textbook in my basement

09-28-2007, 09:12 AM
Brrring! Granted, of course now your room is so full of cash, you are stuck in a corner and unable to get out so you can spend it.

I wish I had access to shakeysix's room.

09-28-2007, 09:59 AM
yeah? well there is a two year old sleeping in there. thems as wakes her gets to watch stuart little with her. poor grammy shakey is on her fifth viewing of stuart 2. lost track of stuart 1 back at the beginning of the week. just know i would step on the little bastard if i got the chance.

before dropping her off at my house her mom let her watch part of the stand. so she has this obsession with "bezeezes". she has to sleep with the closet light on. and with twelve plastic bugs--don't ask. so welcome to my room--s6

ps--i wish e.b.white had killed stuart off as callously as he killed charlotte

09-28-2007, 10:05 AM
Brr.. Brrr.. Oops, sorry the wand isn't working tonight. I could however trade you for either Peter Pan or Cinderella. My toddler keeps singing songs from either of them, and if I hear another Disney show tune, I'm gonna pull my ears out!

Now, if only I could bust the dvd player without getting the hubby angry....

09-28-2007, 03:18 PM
Granted. You teach the toddler to pour maple syrup into it. Unfortunately hubby brings you home your favorite movie of all time but sadly you can no longer watch it.
I wish there was a channel which did nothing but alternate between Xena, Stargate and Jag.

09-28-2007, 03:39 PM
you mean there isn't? seems one of them is on every time i flip through channels looking for something halfway worthwhile to watch. But the tv Gods have smiled on you and given you a channel. All stargate, xena and jag all the time. You are mesmerized. you stay in front of the television for weeks. no sleep, no food- you can't bear to miss anything. then, a storm brings a power outage. You go insane from the lack of television and have to be committed. no tv there either. so sorry...

i wish i was independently wealthy.

09-28-2007, 04:16 PM
Granted. You are now independently wealthy, and within days long-lost relatives, shallow friends and other assorted parasites descend on you like a swarm of locusts. They stay with you for extended visits, eat all your food and borrow money that they never pay back. Pretty soon, it becomes necessary to move to a new, high-security mansion with electrified fences, security cameras and guard dogs. You don't get out much any more and spend most evenings playing cards with the butler who eventually poisons you when he finds out that he's included in your will.

I wish that people with cellphones were denied driving permits.

09-28-2007, 05:45 PM
Granted. Soon you have the roads all to yourself. People cannot get to their jobs and soon the economy falls apart. Hope you like living in frontier times.
I wish I could get started on the second half of my WIP.

09-28-2007, 06:13 PM
Of course you may,

Your head is full of brilliant, out-of-this-world ideas - the picturesque and wonderful scenes are played out in technicolour before your very eyes! The characters are so real they sparkle and shout and stamp in imatience for you to begin immediately. You move to pick up your pen...

But wait...where is your pen? It was there only a moment ago...

You rise from your chair, take a step back to look around and fall backwards into a small temporal distortion that has opened up in your living room carpet.

You arrive in the year 7,000 BC were they haven't even invented runes yet. No pen for you - but you wow the tribespeople by scribbling on the rocks with a stick of charcoal and are put in charge of teaching the little cave kids their basic carvings.

09-28-2007, 07:40 PM


.......that you and Komnena both fell hrough a temporal distortion and wound up in the year 7000 BC. But the folks in 7,000 BC are glad you came. And as long as those lighters work...you'll be royalty...

...however, because no one believed, the folks who were working in the Temporal Distortion Laboratories, gave up and dismantled their equipment, selling it off to buy a farm on which they retired to raise cheese and celery, and chatter about the times when they'd almost figured how to send a person back in time and bring them back.

I wish ptarmigans would stay on the north western side of I-70.

09-28-2007, 08:39 PM
Granted. You now have to find something else to grouse about.
I wish I had the next big pile of books organized.

09-28-2007, 09:23 PM
what is a ptarmigan? something you sprinkle on pizza? a button down sweater? i seem to remember a bird kind of thing from a grade school textbook. are they native to the us? what part? how exotic are they? i have never seen one or heard of anyone seeing one. the armadillos must have et them--s6

09-29-2007, 03:29 AM
It lives in the snowy north shakey. (I think)

Do you have a wish?


What a contented individual you are. I wish I could be so circumspect and stoic.

09-29-2007, 04:03 AM
yes, i looked them up. beautiful bird. it is native to europe too. and japan. eu--that was a time out. i wanted to know what they were. lets see--i wish a roadrunner would catch a freight to canada and fall in love with a ptarmigan. he could bring the missus and kids back to the panhandle and populate us up with something a little easier on the eyes than roadrunners. of course wile E. coyote would have no problem running these critters down. i guess fish and game could outfit them with little mopeds. quasi- ptarmigans on mopeds: my wish. lets see how you all screw up this beautiful wish--s6

09-29-2007, 04:27 AM

http://phoenixwoman.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/screw.jpg?w=306&h=306 (http://phoenixwoman.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/screw.jpg)

I wish turning on the heater wouldn't make the air so dry.

09-29-2007, 05:01 AM
Dry air you say?

Ta-dah, tropical monsoons in every room in the house gratis. Trouble is, there's no off-switch. Nor on-switch neither. Your home becomes a Mecca for baffled cosmologists. Apparently your house has developed its own very localised weather system and there's nothing they can do about it.

Fed up with weathermen and their muddy wellies you move house - but the showers follow you.

Eventually however, there is a silver lining as you then go on to make an excellent living going to drought-ridden countries and staying out of flooded regions.

I wish all my debts got wiped.

Just Mike
09-29-2007, 10:39 AM
I wish all my debts got wiped.

Granted: A comet the size of the continental U.S. smashes into the planet.

Your debts are wiped.

I wish Eudaemonic hadn't destroyed the planet with that silly little wish so I could make one; some people are just selfish.

09-29-2007, 05:03 PM
Granted. The entire planet is only 99.9 % destroyed. There remains only one small island in Borneo with just one palm tree, an open fire pit and only two survivors--you and a voracious cannibal carrying a large container of BBQ sauce.

I wish that water would start behaving itself and stop leaking.

09-29-2007, 05:35 PM
water no longer leaks. in fact nothing can leak anymore. men all over the world are turning yellow and dropping. why? they cannot take a single leak. at first the womenfolk are stunned and dismayed. slowly they realize that every toilet seat in the world is now down. and DRY! they cannot help but heave a collective sigh of relief as they rush to tinkle, whizz, and potty pot. their feelings are mixed. of course men will be missed, but who will miss that dingy yellow area on the bathroom floor? --s6

i wish that magical elves would come and pick up my toy strewn, toddler destroyed living room. or that the kink in my back would go away so i could do it myself--s6

Just Mike
09-29-2007, 05:41 PM
Original, beauteous response:

Granted: An alien race attacks, enveloping our planet in a space/time envelope.

Cut off from our sun, the temperature drops drastically. All water turns to ice.

Leaks are impossible, but you are now a Woof flavored popcicle and beyond caring.

Edit: For shakey: Magical, chiropractic elves appear and fix the kink in your back.

They then charge you $9,000.

Oh, and the world ends. Because, um, because . . . I feel like it.

I wish I knew why I take such delight in ending the world.

09-29-2007, 05:41 PM
Granted, no more mess, no more crick in your back, but the toddler is being sent by the elves on a quest to Mordor to chuck his binky into the fiery depths of Mount Doom.

I wish my head cold would go away and I could hear out of my left ear once again.

09-29-2007, 05:47 PM
Granted. Your wish however, come out slightly skewed. Kinky elves with magical fingers end up massaging your back and both you and the elves get so carried away, that you no longer care about your messy living room. The living room could burst into flames for all you care, because those fingers feel soooooooooooooo good.

I wish that magical elves would massage my back while I'm at the computer. Sheesh, some people have all the luck.

10-01-2007, 07:44 AM
Now you have a bunch of little fingers rubbing away at your shoulders. Unfortunately, their magic massage techniques cause you to pass out and now you can't get any of your writing completed. Too bad, because, your work could have won all sorts of rewards!

I wish I could get through the writer's slump I am in!

10-01-2007, 04:04 PM
Granted. Your ideas flow so fast now that you can't stop typing, you don't even have to think to get the most beautiful, well-crafted and plot-advancing phrases on the screen. Unfortunately your hands start hurting really bad and you can't stop; you soon discover you can't even go to sleep anymore, not to mention eating or drinking (social life is a parallel universe already). Hopefully you have someone who can feed you while you type. But either way, don't worry: if you survive long enough, you'll leave a masterpiece behind you.

I wish there were special orange-trees that gave oranges with chocolate seeds.

10-01-2007, 08:13 PM
These highly desirable orange trees are actually related to the Weeping Willow because their roots travel great distances and suck up great quantities of their nourishment of choice, oil. And they first grow only in Iraq only to be discovered after they have depleted the oil reserves claimed by Haliburton. Iraq blames Syria who claims it is set up by the U.S. and Israel. The Middle East erupts in full scale warfare. A National Enquirer nature reporter writing on this new species of fruit trees discovers your wish and tags you as the culprit. You are sent to Guantanamo Bay prison where you flourish under their health care system which uses orange based homeopathic medication to treat your lash marks from the whippings you receive. Irony ain't pretty.

I wish my Beagle would either quit running away or learn to catch a plane.

10-01-2007, 08:30 PM
Granted! There's now a jet buried in your backyard. Oh, and some guys from homeland security would like to talk to you.

I wish I could get a nap.

10-01-2007, 09:07 PM
your nap has been arranged for you. you will be sleeping next hour in mrs. shakey smith's spanish 3 class. i have reserved the window seat for you, so you will not be disturbed by the other student's snores. a nice autumn afternoon nap? what could the catch be? nada. pues, no mas que un examen sobre "don quixote" -- el libro entiro. "what you don't speak spanish??? should not have been sleeping in spanish class young man!" she cackles gleefully, locking the door and going to her desk. "you can leave as soon as you finish that test!" she snaps. stuck in spanish class for all eternity? not quite. mercifully she hands you an english spanish dictionary. like the dozen monkeys trying to type out shakespeare's works--eventually you will decipher all 666 pages of don quixote. buen suerte---s6

i wish don quixote would ride into my classroom and scare the beejezuss out of the nappers

10-01-2007, 09:40 PM
Granted. Except his horse uhm...relieves himself....in the middle of your lesson plans, and now the class is really bored, 'cause you don't know what you're supposed to teach whom.

I wish I could spend money and not have to worry about where it's coming from

10-01-2007, 09:44 PM
Granted. However, after Don Quixote has duly terrified your students, he takes a shine to you. He then seizes you, throws you onto his horse and abducts you to a far off land where you spend the rest of your days screaming and cursing at windmills.

I wish that I had magical healing powers.

10-02-2007, 12:48 AM
don quixote fits my manly invoice to a t. something about the knight of the woeful visage is appealing to all womankind. all i am thinking as i trundle off on rocinante: is the chink in the don's rusty armor in the right place?

so you want to be fit, woof? okay. i will open another textbook before i leave my classroom.( blinks twice)--ahhhh--back to 6th century daneland with beowulf and his gaets. talk about your fit and macho paradise. mead all night, rape and pillage all day. where the swords have names but the women do not. now you have a fit on your hands. you can fit grendel and his mum. you have to be really fit to heft a viking sword!---s6

i wish that the only kinks in my old age were the davies brothers

10-02-2007, 01:29 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it is the Davies brothers down the street. They and their ten cats move into your house, have wild parties every night which they charge you for.
I wish I had a bigger house.

10-02-2007, 01:49 AM
You now are the scullery woman at Buckingham Palace. Here use my Scrubbing Bubbles on that toilet. And the other 560.
I wish America had a tradition of stopping work for cookies and pie at 4:00 p.m. to rival the British Tea time.

10-02-2007, 04:33 PM
All right! Unfortunately your boss has to reduce staff due to the lack of cookie funds, and you get the boot. You also have the bad idea of trying to steal his pie from him, which becomes a rather noisy argument that lands you in prison. Unfortunately, there only the guards get to eat cookies at 4 p.m. They also have a habit of eating it in front of your cell while you watch. But I'm sure America is grateful for this lovely tradition, so what does it matter?

I wish I were sailing on a pirate ship to a treasure island.

10-02-2007, 05:18 PM
you are on a pirate ship sailing to a desert island. unfortunately you are a parrot perched on long john silver's shoulder. wraith--ya gotta be more specific on these things. what is that you say? pieces of eight? wtf ???--s6

wish i could be the person to find captain kidd's gold on gardener's island

10-02-2007, 11:32 PM
Granted. You find Captain Kidd's gold, only to find that it had already been plundered centuries earlier. The only gold remaining is the gold tooth in the skull of the dead pirate, jealously guarded by a black widow spider with a nasty disposition and a venomous bite.

I wish all modern wars would be confined to pirate ships.

10-04-2007, 12:40 AM
Now war takes to the high seas and as a result all cargo shipping and cruise lines are denied access to the oceans. Christmas rolls around and children find no toys (made in China) under the tree, in fact no tree (also made in China) and South Beach Miami becomes one big USO community. Scuba diving is deemed as terrorism and Jimmy Buffet is so mad that he writes a very nasty song about you for limiting his ability to island hop. You are vilified and written up in history books as Father of the Ocean of Pain.

I wish computer companies had to pay me if I have to learn their new technology.

10-04-2007, 02:39 AM
you are now the pathetic poster child for all tek challenged boomers. your rainbow shades and silver gray sassoon become an icon as one successful ad campaign follows another. your picture is seen on billboards and tv commercials from zimbabwe to ulan bator. your tinny, querulous is heard worldwide, uttering your famous catch phrases: "could i have a virtual vaccination for my virus?"; " but my hard drive is always floppy" and "my blue tooth needs a root canal." and under every ad is the disclaimer: if talk can learn it, any horse's ass can learn it.

granted, you are raking in the $. and you are famous but have you no pride? your own generation shuns you. ---s6

i wish i find my rainbow shades and hobo shoes and take off hitchiking once more --"arrr--i --ZONA take off your rainbow shades"

10-04-2007, 09:50 AM
Gnirrrb! Uh oh... my wand broke again. Now you have hobo glasses and rainbow shoes! But don't worry, those blurry headlights you see coming at you are attached to a large logging truck, and inside that logging truck is a burly man who is feeling a bit lonely. He picks you up and requests that you sing Barry White songs to help him stay awake!

I wish I could be as creative writing my book, as I am writing posts in AW!

Just Mike
10-04-2007, 03:29 PM
Granted: The novel is completed in a flash, with all of the creativity of your AW posts.


"It was roughly book shaped, wasn't it?" says TIME MAGAZINE

"Stuff happened to some people, and some of the words were real big!" says SOME THIRTEEN YEAR-OLD GIRL AT THE MALL


I wish I could actually win an argument with myself one of these days.

10-04-2007, 04:31 PM
okay mikey--this would be a whole lot better if i had not slept through my psych classes. as i recollect the psyche is like a graham cracker--perforated down the middle. so we need to split yours into tweedle-A & tweedle-B. and then we need to neuter one. POOF--tweedle A is mikey con huevos; tweedle B is mikey sin huevos. so every argument w/ yourself now goes like this: t-B: "shall i wear my trousers rolled?" t-A: "roll those trousers and i will effing break your face." OR t-B: "Dare I eat a peach?" tA: "give me that dadblasted peach! (flings it into traffic) Now eat it, a*****!" OR tB: "dare i walk along the beach?" tA:" and track sand over my new bigelow? get your tired sorry ass out of here!" anyway this will insure that you-- mikey tweedledum A - will win every argument. the one drawback is that i can't seem to disable the sound. so of course this is going to look...AND sound, well, insane to the g. public. BUT when you finally do earn that rubber room--you won't be alone!__s6

i also wish that i spent the time on my query letters that i spend on posts--s6

10-04-2007, 04:33 PM
Granted. You were arguing with yourself about the fact that you talk to yourself and answer and if that is a true sign of madness. You found yourself agreeing that it was and availed yourself of years of expensive psychoanalysis plus some unhealthy self medication on the side in the form of expensive scotch and an obsession with Klondike bars.

I wish my two toddlers were potty trained today.

10-04-2007, 04:34 PM
Shakey six,

Granted, but that did mean you had to stop posting on AW

Now back to my wish...

10-04-2007, 04:37 PM
Granted. Your two toddlers are potty trained today, but they can only be trained with kitchen pots. You forget about this when you're preparing dinner, and it's only when you're tucking into your chili, that you notice it tastes a bit off.

I wish that doctors knew what they were doing.

10-04-2007, 05:28 PM
Your wish is granted but then monkeys start flying out of your ass.

I wish my agent would get back to me.

10-04-2007, 09:45 PM
He does and says your manuscript was carried off by some flying monkeys.

I wish I had the ability to twitch my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and have my home magazine perfect in terms of cleanliness.

10-04-2007, 10:02 PM
Granted, Your Home magazine is one of the cleanest around.

I wish I were flying.

10-04-2007, 10:17 PM

Granted. you are flying. The cereal you had for breakfast was laced with peyote mushrooms.

Wish today all my laundry was washed, folded and put away in the proper drawers by someone other than me.

10-04-2007, 11:47 PM

Your neighbour from across the street - the one who you watches you get out of the shower with his high-powered binoculars and a tub of Vaseline - is on hand to oblige.

I wish I were a character in a Stephen King novel

10-05-2007, 12:17 AM
Brring! Granted, unfortunately you are missing your skin, and one of your eyes just rolled down the street. Better hurry and grab it before that dog picks it up!

I wish I had a fashion consultant who would come to my house, take my measurements and go clothes shopping for me!

10-05-2007, 12:28 AM
Granted. That will be a $15,000.00 fee for professional services please, plus the cost of the wardrobe. But you look Marvelous darling in these burkas. The fashion consultant is from Iran.

Wish I were Royalty for the Week for AW.

10-05-2007, 04:10 PM
Granted. You are crowned Queen and Empress of AW for a week. But just before you leave the palace to go back to ordinary life, an ugly mob of revolutionaries and bitter writers surround you and cut your head off with a guillotine.

I wish that my dog would stop humping everything in sight.

10-05-2007, 06:09 PM
Granted. But alas, the old wivestale is true...he has humped himself blind. So, he still humps, its just not in his sight.

I wish I could drink at work on Fridays.

10-05-2007, 07:57 PM
Brrrring! Now you can! You can also stumble, puke, and make a pass at the boss, who is now reconsidering your promotion.

I wish Auntybug's cat wouldn't look at me like that! *shiver*

10-06-2007, 03:59 AM
Granted. Now Haggis does.

Wish I would find six acceptance letters for pieces I've sent out in the mail and in box tomorrow.

Just Mike
10-06-2007, 11:32 AM
Granted: Unfortunately, the packages were all mysteriously rerouted to my Uncle Irving's publishing house, Skin the Kitty.

He generally only publishes, um, "erotic art."

What exactly did you put in those packages?

I wish that the next time someone sent me spam I could reach through the internet and rearrange their component particles so that they manifested as a giant can of pork based meat product.

10-06-2007, 05:58 PM
Granted. Your wish transforms each spammer into a can of greasy Spam, but the law of cause and effect then kicks in, and every piece of spam mail sent to you and everyone else causes pig fat to choke your hard drive and ooze through your screen, until your whole computer system dies with a loud and final grunt.

I wish that every part of my body had a voice so that it could communicate when it was sick.

10-06-2007, 06:02 PM
Granted. Now your stomach and your bladder get into an argument whenever you drink beer.

I wish fall would last more than 27 minutes here in Nebraska.

10-06-2007, 06:18 PM
Granted. Fall lasts for 27 months in Nebraska and all the trees get confused. Their leaves turn from green to yellow to red to blue to pink to purple polka dot and back to green again. The squirrels and the birds start laughing at the trees and pretty soon, the trees become so humiliated that they uproot themselves and leave the State. Erosion sets in and Nebraska becomes a wasteland.

I wish the weather would go back to normal.

10-06-2007, 06:59 PM
I wish the weather would go back to normal.

Granted. The weather went to Normal, Illinois and you are left in a dank, dark void of existence...where beady red eyes stare at you from the darkness. Comfy?

I wish the my yard was landscaped.

10-07-2007, 10:19 AM
Brrring! Granted! Now it is completely covered in gravel! Talk about xeroscaping!

I wish editing was easier!

10-08-2007, 12:01 AM
It is. You have inadvertently pressed the 'delete all' button and wiped the lot. No mistakes left now.

I wish my Beloved were a little handier round the house.

10-08-2007, 12:17 AM
okay-poof. your beloved now has ten hands: 2 for kitchen patrol; 2 for lawn patrol; and 6 for squeezy buns and melon patting. yikes! here he comes again. bet you don't get much done today either--s6

10-08-2007, 05:11 AM
I wish shakeysix had a wish.

10-08-2007, 07:01 AM
okay--shakey wishes that senility was not dogging her shapely heels. and a giant box of depends from santa this year would be nice, too--s6

10-08-2007, 07:33 AM
Well, that depends on whether you were naughty or nice!

I wish that pun was actually funny.

10-08-2007, 04:00 PM
of course it is funny. not pee in the pants funny, but wryly, ruefully funny. not a guffaw, nor even a chortle but certainly a weary giggle, perhaps even a stifled snort. did not even have to invoke my flaccid wand for that one. --s6

i wish that our 7:30 faculty meeting would be a rollicking fun fest. with door prizes and twinkies!--s6

10-08-2007, 11:27 PM
Granted, however all the naked dancers popping out of those cakes are 90 year old men. (You'll never look at dried fruit the same again!)

I wish everyone had a great weekend!

10-09-2007, 01:03 AM
popping out of a cake would only have been an improvement to that meeting. so you want the whole world to have had a great weekend? i blink twice and wave my wand--poof--you all had a great weekend. you have no memory of it? probably because my wand is the world's biggest bob marley industrial strength doobie. whoa we are going to need a hell of a lot of cookies!--s6

wish cargo planes would begin dropping cookies all over the world. vienna fingers and fig newtons for me--s

10-09-2007, 08:52 AM
Granted! Cargo planes are all over the world distributing cookies, and coming your way with fig newtons and vienna fingers. However now have a food allergy and can not eat anything made with wheat or sugar.

I wish I had a picture of my ex-boyfriend.

10-09-2007, 07:34 PM
Brrring! Granted!
http://www.funfry.com/data/507/medium/ugly_fat_man_big_tummy_funny_pictures_funfry_resiz e.JPG (http://www.funfry.com/showphoto.php/photo/219/size/big/cat/507)

I wish I don't have to look at Joyce's boyfriend's picture.

10-09-2007, 07:50 PM
Granted. You don't have to look at his picture, because the real thing meets you in the flesh and has his way with you. The details are too disgusting to describe.

I wish that my back did not ache.

10-10-2007, 07:00 PM
Granted. I snuck into my hubby medicine cabinet & got you a vicodin.

I wish my daughters pony would stop being a butt-head and crawling through the fence.

10-10-2007, 07:13 PM
Granted. The pony begins jumping the fence instead.
I wish that John Henry's spot at the Horse Park goes to a horse worthy of the honor.

10-10-2007, 07:41 PM
Granted. The spot at the horse park to which you refer, is of course, the place where John Henry always liked to relieve himself after a race. Many worthy horses use that very same spot when nature calls, until not a tree, a flower or a blade of grass will grow there. Only flies, maggots and rats will visit the soggy cesspool, and eventually bubonic plague breaks out and the racetrack has to be shut down.

I wish that herds of wild horses would suddenly appear all along the countryside.

10-10-2007, 07:59 PM
Granted. You are there as they rise above the horizon and stampede in your direction. The noise of their pounding hooves is deafening and the excitement you feel causes your knees to lock and you are frozen in awe. Right before they trample you into the ground you hear shouting and a dozen or more camera crew members screaming obscenities at you snatch you off to the side of the field. You're sued for having interrupted a 3 million dollar shoot for another Wells Fargo commercial.

I wish I could spend three months in Verona, Italy studying.

10-10-2007, 08:20 PM
Granted, however, you spend the entire three months reading text books, and you never get a chance to see the sights.

I wish I could just curl up with a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate for the rest of the day.

10-10-2007, 09:57 PM
Granted. I'll give you the rest of the day off.

I wish my car would stop costing me a bundle to keep frackin' fixing!

10-11-2007, 12:17 AM
Granted. No more vet's bills, ever. My, hasn't the taxidermist done a good job?

I wish I could get rid of this insomnia.

Ruth Barringham
10-11-2007, 03:03 AM
Granted. You will now sleep until Prince Charming comes and kisses you awake. Oh wait...that's only a fairy tale so Prince Charming doesn't actually exist so you will just never wake up. (Don't let the bed bugs bite).

I wish I was the author of 50 block-buster novels.

10-11-2007, 03:22 AM
Granted. You have lengthy meetings with the taxman.

I wish they would finally finish installing the new servers at my office.

10-11-2007, 07:41 AM
the servers are installed. they are wanneeta, madge and hoonior from edna's place across the highway. wanneeta is the cutie with the bowling shoes, harley tattoos and the lucky strike earrings. madge is a little rough around the edges but with a heart of gold, at least as long as her parole officer is sitting at the bar. hoonior is the one in the "kansas: big cock country (a pheasant on wing) t-shirt." they don't know a hell of a lot about computers but they can sling beer and hash and sing "jumbalaya" better than old hank himself. hoonior is a pretty decent bouncer for a wheelchair bound man. -s6

speaking of jumbalaya i wish that i had passed up that shrimp basket at edna's tonight.

10-11-2007, 04:50 PM
Granted. You avoided the shrimp, so Edna served you live catfish instead. It was thoroughly inedible, but the whiskers made you laugh as they slid down your throat.

I wish that my dog could be trained to do house chores.

10-11-2007, 05:16 PM
okay woof--your dog is now trained to be a house whore. just, please don't tell any of the rest of us the details of this sick wish. really, have you no decencY? ---s6

10-11-2007, 05:34 PM
ad lib...

Granted. Woof now has decency. All AWers are in awe.

I wish one of my customers wasn't mean every time I talked to her :(

10-11-2007, 07:01 PM
Granted! I just changed her into an ogre for being mean to you. Now you have to smell her every time she stops by. Phew!

I wish there are more questions than answers.

10-11-2007, 09:19 PM
granted! now everyone in the world who gets the slightest glimpse of you or even on the tv asks you and only YOU as many questions as they can think of.

I wish my arms didnt hurt

10-11-2007, 09:22 PM
Granted! An ax murderer just hacked them off. Now you don't have any arms.

I wish I could control the weather.

10-11-2007, 10:15 PM
I wish I could control the weather.

Granted. You have been exiled to six months in a biosphere. You can now dial up any weather you wish to experience. And the T S on the control panel stands for Thunder Storm, not Terrifically Sunny.

I wish I could spell.

10-11-2007, 10:48 PM
Brrring! Granted, now you can conjure up any spell you want!

I wish... um... I wish for a wish idea!

10-11-2007, 10:51 PM
Granted: The nanny takes care of the children, shopping, cleaning and cooking so you can concentrate on yourself.

I wish I could get the ideal job.

10-11-2007, 10:58 PM
Granted, and great news TofT! They're going all-out to revive a local Chicago publication, and you've been named as Hugh Hefner's successor. The Ideal Job.

Oh, you meant "ideal, gender-appropriate job?" Well, try to enjoy....

How soon can you have the first hundred Unabashed Dictionary entries, by the way?

I wish the next call was from that dream agent I queried last week.

10-12-2007, 12:37 AM
Granted, tonight you will dream of the call from the agent you dreamed about last week.

I wish I had a good ol' BBQ sandwich for lunch, like I used to get back east.

10-12-2007, 12:45 AM
granted--a succulent pulled meat torta barbacoa from nieto's cantina, just east of here. and a nice cold Dos Equis with which to wash it down. never heard of nieto's? no surprise. they are kind of a local secret. all the packing plants in the area know about them though. they are the biggest buyer of butchered heads in the state. where did you think they were pulling that meat from? well.... you could always head off to macdonalds. the biggest buyer of... never mind. you don't want to know--s6

i wish for a snow day--tomorrow!

10-12-2007, 08:25 AM
Granted. An avalanche makes your town lose all its power for two weeks and buries said town in fifteen feet of snow.

I want a girlfriend.

10-12-2007, 08:47 AM
Granted, but your mom can be a nag sometimes.

I wish yo-mama jokes were still cool.

10-13-2007, 12:49 AM
These seemingly innocent twist on familial insults have a second life with a heretofore unrecognized quality. And they are quickly sought after by law enforcement agencies for interrogation purposes. Prisoners of W in Guantanamo and Turkey and Iraq reveal tactical secrets and the hiding place of Osama Bin Laden when faced with 2 hour long non stop recordings of these Brussle Sprouts of humor. Wars no longer thrive, peace loving politicians take office all over the world and the Pentagon is disbanded. In honor of this victory, and as a threat to all terrorists, they are banned from utterance forever.

I wish each person could adjust the temperature of their own personal space at will.

10-13-2007, 01:00 AM
everyone now carries a personal a/c unit and a heater. more luggage on life's journey. the a/c people are blowing on the heater peeps space and the rainy day people keep setting off the sprinkler system. now wasn't climate a better idea after all?

i wish there was one world wide thermostat and a menopausal woman was in charge. and yes--i would take that job!

10-13-2007, 01:18 AM
You are now menopausal and in charge of the worlds thermostat. Unfortunately, everyone knows it's location, and searches you out to complain, condemn, commiserate, and even attempt to cozen said device from your power. You cannot sleep, or even run to the restroom because someone will turn it down, or up, or just smash the damn thing!

I wish that someone would write my story and put my name on it. Granted, except your ghostwriter plagiarizes and you get called out....oh wait. Heh.

I wish my driving across country wasn't so hard.

10-13-2007, 01:56 AM
is your wish. no car. no bus. no traffic. no gas to buy. just flat, treeless fields of green winter wheat--like 1,600 miles of golf greens. here you are. it is my late husband's driver from his golf bag. he had another name for it but i cannot put it in a public forum. he claimed this was the most unlucky club in his bag of wretched, doomladen golf paraphernalia. only eleven balls in the bag. you might have to pick up more, say in new mexico. the good news is that you get to start at halfway! look at the us map and find kinsley, kansas. yupper doodles. half the trip has been did fer you--as we say out here in the sticks. better learn our speech patterns. you are going to be here for a while--s6 ps--watch out for that bull!

wish i could find a use for my woooden tennis racket

10-13-2007, 07:32 AM
Granted. You find it very useful in beating off the raccoons which suddenly decide to try invading your house.
I wish I could see Man o'War race just once.

Just Mike
10-13-2007, 02:15 PM
Granted: You are squished in a freak accident at the Kentucky Derby as General Knickers, the favorite, leaps into the audience.

A regrettable cosmic mishap occurs, and you are sent to Horse Heaven*.

You get to see Man o'War race as much as you like.

Unfortunately, you find the diet of alfalfa and sugar cubes somewhat limited.

* General Knickers finds Human Heaven to be confusing but pleasant.

I wish I could take back some of the more embarassing episodes in my life.

10-13-2007, 02:43 PM
why just the embarrassing moments? why not the humiliating and the shameful moments too? like the time you wet yourself in kindergarten. like the time you failed driver's ed twice in one summer. and the frustrating , the cowardly, the shameful times. like the that time in college that you almost got expelled for swiping a christmas tree? or the time you were working for the state as a social worker and got into a rebar swinging confrontation with a client. (scared that drugger bitch half to death when she saw your crazy side. kind of sticky when the cops showed up at your office, though.) then there was the time your barney fife brother-in-law called citizens arrest on you for smoking dope in the machine shed behind your parents house. got your dad all pissed off and wasn't he upset enough? it was your mother's funeral. and you were 34 years old fer crissakes!

yes mikey--lets blot out all of this shame and lame and start fresh. kindergarten should do it. POOF you are five years old sitting in st. rose school; you have to pee really bad and sister clare is just droning on about baby jesus. don't try to tough it out! hike up your dress and run for the john! oh--did i mention this is MY life you are reliving?--s6

ps--oh--mikey--that time in the back seat in the drive in? stay in the front seat and watch "The Sterile Cuckoo". Lisa Minnelli sucks as an actress but motherhood does too.

i wish someone would arrest my brother-in-law for being a jerk

Just Mike
10-13-2007, 03:07 PM
Granted: I borrow a pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs from my roomate, a stun gun from my mom, and a tin badge from my nephew.

I then hitch a ride to western kansas, flash the tin badge at your brother-in-law, zing him with the stun-gun, and whip those fuzzy handcuffs onto him.

I then declare in a loud voice that I am making a citizen's arrest.

When the real cops show up an hour later, I'm promptly arrested. You follow me into the legal system soon after, as you incited me to violence.

I successfully plead insanity while you spend several years in a cozy little maximum security prison.

I wish that just once I could walk up to the public official of my choice and knee them in the groin.

10-14-2007, 05:54 AM
okay--but it is elizabeth dole---s6

wish my dog had wit and irony instead of fleas

10-14-2007, 08:08 AM
Granted. You dog has both wit and irony. In fact, he is more witty and ironic than you could ever hope to be. He becomes a world-renowned writer, travelling the globe to paw-print his books in front of his adoring fans. You, however... you are a laughingstock. Your dog gives you bad PR (teach YOU to delay his walk and neuter him), and you are forever identified as "the bad owner." One day, you will write a book about all of this... "If I Really was Bad, This is How."

Yeah. That doesn't help much.

I wish for Chris Issac's mirror suit.

10-14-2007, 04:41 PM
Poof your wish is granted (I love that suit also, saw him in it)
However whenever you look into the mirrors you see the image of Dorian Gray.

I wish I had Chris Issac.

John Paton
10-15-2007, 01:04 PM
granted - Chris Isaacs sings you to sleep every night and wakes you up every morning with bananas on toast and sweet coffee. In between times he has to earn a living.

I wish I had a better mouse trap.

10-15-2007, 03:58 PM
poof--okay here is your map of taos. the best one around. seems like a silly wish to me. you can buy one at walmart you know--s6

10-15-2007, 03:59 PM
OH! did you mean mouse trap? so sorry. one wish to a customer--s6

10-15-2007, 05:10 PM
I wish shakey six asked a question.

10-15-2007, 06:30 PM
He did - it was in code. And yes Shakeysix - if you keep it up you will go blind.

I wish I had a coffee pot at work.

10-15-2007, 07:00 PM
Poof you have coffee and pot at work.
ooops... sorry hope you don't get busted.

I wish I had a maid.

10-15-2007, 08:11 PM
i wish i could find sexual healing for my blindness!

and i wish marvin gaye's dad had not shot him--s6

John Paton
10-16-2007, 11:40 AM
Piff !

Marvin Gaye's dad missed and became the Vice President of America.

I wish Hawthorn (AFL) win the flag in '08.

10-16-2007, 04:14 PM
which is a shame. i am a silver haired grammy and have no idea who this hawthorne is or what those letters stand for. lucky for you i am an english lit. major. so i am supplying you with the best of all possible hawthornes. nathaniel! he is the pale, weedy guy, with the scarlet letter on his jersey---s6

ps--i wish i could find a use for my dad's 8 tracks

10-16-2007, 08:44 PM
GRANTED ( Genie now wearing a Martha Stewart costume)
Why those eight tracks are the latest in crime prevention tools! Here's what you do. Line them all up and string fishing line through them so they overlap by 1/4 inch. Hang them banner style at night in trees in the park where taggers or petty thieves strike. Even the slightest breeze will rustle your 8 tracks and create the most realistic sound of machine gun fire anyone has ever heard. The hoodlums will scatter in pant wetting fear,and that area will know peace and security again. One caveat- do inform the local police dept of your plan so they know not to respond to reports of gunfire. Oh and get your hair done honey, you will be deemed a hero and given the keys to your city and honored in a parade.

I wish Microsoft would let me over charge them to update my translations for them every year just like the %^&*#@ computer programs I have to update.

10-17-2007, 05:59 AM
Your wish is granted. However since they had to pay you Microsoft is now bankrupt and you need to buy MAC's.

I wish I could get a copy of my ex-boyfriend's death certificate. (This worked I got a real photo of him. )

10-17-2007, 09:20 AM
Your wish is granted, but the wind caught it and your nosy neighbor grabbed it. Now you have to give her a year's supply of canned wax beans before she'll return it.

I wish I had a beach house.

John Paton
10-17-2007, 09:30 AM
POOF !! You have a tri-level beach house with every convenience imaginable and located in Acapulco right now with a private jet waiting to pick you up from anywhere in the world.

I wish I had a bucket and spade in order to build a sandcastle.

10-17-2007, 09:36 AM
Granted! A bucket and spade appears in front of you, but they are made of really soft rubber and squish in when you try to pick them up.

I wish I had a steak dinner.

10-17-2007, 04:15 PM
Here is a cow. Make your own dinner from that. (Her name is Steffi.)

I wish I could be a lion for a day

10-17-2007, 05:54 PM
Granted. You spend the day in the zoo lion cage being gawked at.
I wish I had all the gold in Fort Knox.

10-17-2007, 08:41 PM
~Poof~ (classy genie)
It has been delivered by forklift to your front door, ( speedy genie) but because you were busy writing in this thread, you didn't hear the doorbell. Your neighbors saw it and started taking it for themselves causing enough noise for you to go investigate what is happening on your front stoop. As the 313 stacks of gold bars are blocking your door you can not open it. You have to stand an watch everyone steals it right from under your nose.

I wish I had a chef to cook for me at will.

10-18-2007, 12:18 AM
Granted. But you have no can opener for your Chef Boyrdee spagettio's.

I wish to see the future.

10-18-2007, 01:19 AM
Granted - but nobody will believe your prophecies.

They will think you are insane and when your prophecies do come true they will think that you caused, not predicted them and send you to Azkeban

I wish I could be 11 and attend Hogwarts with Harry Potter

10-18-2007, 01:51 AM
Granted. Your name is Scabbers and you belong to Ron.

I wish I was the smartest man alive.

10-18-2007, 04:11 AM
Granted! But, now that you are the smartest person alive, nobody can understand you because you don't want to stoop to their level. You live on, alone and a bit crazy around the edges.

I wish for a 21 bedroom mansion with an indoor swimming pool!

10-19-2007, 12:20 AM
But you bought it last year with a flexible rate mortgage which has quadrupled your payment and you have to foreclose on it and it won't sell. You now live at a shelter.

I wish October had predictable weather.

10-19-2007, 12:34 AM
Granted. now its 31 degrees and snowing all the time.

I wish for x-ray vision.

has that been done yet?

10-19-2007, 12:37 AM
Granted. Now due to the fact you are seeing through walls, you start bumping in to those very walls and end up with multiple concussions. Your migrane will not go away and you are forced to wear pirate patches over your eyes so that you can't see anything at all.

I wish everyone would treat eachother respectfully, always.

10-19-2007, 12:39 AM
Granted. October weather is predictable. Wind. Falling leaves. Pumpkins glowing inward with malevolent grins. Kids wears evil George Bush masks. But predictable is not always exciting. Sometimes predictable is boring. And so you fulfill the old saying of "be careful what you wish for, for it may come true". And October is boring. You are boring. We all are boring.

I wish that the world were no longer boring and predictable, and that the future were exciting.

10-19-2007, 12:44 AM
(You have to wish for something Woof, sweetie!)

Fine then. Granted. The world will be full of wars, societal upheaval and balanced with innovation on a daily basis. (Wait, did I just describe today?)

I wish for my own personal wish granting Genie!

10-19-2007, 12:47 AM
Granted. But the cork won't come out of the top of his bottle. You get mad and throw it in the trash.

I wish I understood women.

10-19-2007, 12:51 AM
Granted. Unfortunately for you though you now understand women so well that you too endure PMS on a monthly basis. Enough said.

I wish I could "see dead people" (without being dead!).

10-19-2007, 12:53 AM
Granted. But now you can't see live people.

10-19-2007, 12:57 AM
(...but Kadea, precious I did wish for something exciting. Thanks.)

Granted. Your genie performs every wish you desire, however unknown to you is that your genie is a member of TIGU or The International Genies Union, and that same said union has just called a general strike. Sorry, but you will have to scrub your own toilets until further notice.

I wish that every word that came out of every human mouth was the God's honest truth.

10-19-2007, 01:02 AM
Granted. But everyone you know tells you they hate your hair cut.

I wish I was Immortal.

10-19-2007, 01:08 AM
Granted. You live forever. And after 800 trillion times of clipping your toenails and watching the same boring sun rise and set the same way forever, you are ready to cut your own throat and end it all. But too bad. Suicide is not an option. You have to endure all this boredom for the rest of time and beyond.

I wish that reincarnation was an absolute certainty.

10-19-2007, 01:14 AM
Granted. You come back as a house fly. The next day you come back as a platypus.

I wish I could read peoples minds.

10-19-2007, 01:28 AM

Now you understand why the old woman down the street smiles at you (quietly undressing you in her mind), the neighbor shuts his curtains at certain times of the night (you decide...) and what your last girlfriend really meant when she said she was "busy washing her hair."

I wish I could teleport myself anywhere at anytime for any reason.

10-19-2007, 01:30 AM
but only the minds of the 406 inhabitants of bugtussle, kansas. not a lot of reading material here. eight man football, pheasant shooting, bow and arrow deer hunting, more recipes and bible verses than you ever want to know and a couple of quilt blocks. oh--and the belief that the secular humanists are jackhammereing into the bedrock and planting fake fossils to prove evolution and maintain their high dollar gov funding. it is a slow read to insanity --more pictures than text--s6

wish i lived in a big cosmopolitan city. i understand that everything is up to date in kansas city. and they say they have some crazy little babies there. i wish for a bottle of wine and a ticket to kansas city!

10-19-2007, 01:32 AM
Granted. You teleport to France during the revolution to watch the beheading of the king, when you are spotted by peasants appearing out of nowhere and hung and a witch.

I wish I could fly to other worlds.

10-19-2007, 01:34 AM
Granted six. you get drunk on the wine and mugged for your ticket to KC.

I wish I could swim the seven seas.

10-19-2007, 02:32 AM
Granted... but the term "Shark Bait" really comes in to play here and doesn't have a happy ending, but since I am not a writer of gory things, I will end it there.

I wish I knew everything.

10-19-2007, 02:41 AM
Granted. But all that knowledge causes you to go insane.

I wish I could talk to animals.

10-19-2007, 02:44 AM
Granted. Now your mind is full of the trials and tribulations of animals... To pee on this buch or that one... that is the question.

I wish I were superwoman.

10-19-2007, 02:49 AM
Granted. But you notice nothing has changed from before.

I wish I have already read every book ever printed.

10-19-2007, 09:30 AM
now you have read every book ever printed. this puts you in a very unique position. you have also read every book that pompous pundit types claim to have read. books that no one ever reads like "to the lighthouse", "thus spake zarathustra", "the phenomenon of man" by teilhard de chardin, "the wealth of nations", "la celestina", "don quixote" (even w.h. auden bragged that he passed the test without reading that one) "pilgrim's progress", the collected sermons of michael wigglesworth and (gasp!) "silas marner", PLUS every lame dog and horse novel ever written even though you know the damned critter is bound to die a tear jerker death.

interpol recognizes you as an international resource and men in black nab you off your doorstep. they force you to live in an isolated cell under the biblioteca of the U of Salamanca. you must wear a garish black and yellow bumblebee sweater and be on constant call to answer the trivial pursuit questions of world inteligentsia--you have become a human cliff note!---ss

i wish that the nice folks who handed me my diploma never find out how many of those wretched books i never read.

10-19-2007, 03:44 PM
Granted. But as you look at your diploma you start imagining it telling you how you did not do the required work to get it. You wake up one day and notice its blank, even though everyone else can see it. Eventually you have to read those book to keep your sanity.

I wish to be the greatest golfer ever.

10-19-2007, 03:59 PM
sigh--i hate granting these self destructive wishes but i guess it goes with the job. POOF--you live in a damp smelly burrow, you have two ginormous teeth in your twitchy little rodent face...oh, wait? did you mean golfer? so sorry. one wish to a customer--no recalls. --s6 ps--i am going to get my beltone fixed. oh! and stay out of mt garden, son.

10-19-2007, 05:16 PM
Need a wish six.

10-19-2007, 05:46 PM
damn--nailed on that wish thing again. i wish i had an extra pair of depends to help me through my workday---s6

10-19-2007, 05:56 PM
Granted. but they used.

I wish for wisdom to make good decisions and the strength to see them through.

10-19-2007, 07:29 PM
but i don't have the time to deal with that one now. my depends are sagging and i have to bee-line to the bathroom.--s6

i wish that i had studied in high school--or college for that matter

10-19-2007, 08:10 PM
granted. But unfortunately you studied the mating habits of rainforest flies. Lot of good that will do you...

I wish I could be a full time philanthropist.

10-19-2007, 09:38 PM
send me 188$ and you will be. full time and board certified--s6 joking--(not a wish granting)

John Paton
10-20-2007, 07:01 AM
shakey - a wish bud!! ;)

10-20-2007, 07:13 AM
i wish i had 188 $--american dollars--s6

10-20-2007, 07:18 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it's in pennies. Have fun counting them.

I wish dinner would prepare on it's own...

10-20-2007, 08:19 AM
Granted. It's steak tartare (raw ground beef).

I wish I could play in the World Series.

10-20-2007, 08:58 AM
granted. But the ref's take you off the field in handcuffs... you see they really don't like it when you dump a large amount of sand in the middle of the outfield and proceed to take out your dump trucks, buckets and shovels...

I wish, there were 36 hours in a day...

10-20-2007, 11:18 AM
granted. of course this will wreak havoc (always wanted to use that line) with worldwide educational systems. parents are not going to mar their newfound free time by having the kids home from school for an extra 12 hours. schools are not going to hire more qualified teachers to offer new classes. the last period of the day is designated a twelve hour study hall. in the long run this will give great job opps to homeless people and asylum inmates all over the world. but out of spite the teachers of the world vote to give you the bombay behavorial disorders study hall. have fun, it is only 12 hours. --s6

wish i could find solace in the bosom of hypnos

John Paton
10-21-2007, 12:51 PM
I am a little confused here.

Are you referring to hypnosis, whereby all of your troubles are but a vacant dream receding in the distant past or Hypnos - that busty Greek stripper who works out at Candys just off Bourbon St in New Orleans? Poof! you are hypnotised in the bosom of that stripper in the big easy.

I wish I had a heated pool overlooking Yonkers.

10-21-2007, 06:13 PM
is going to do great things for my reputation in this one horse town. you want a heated pool overlooking yonkers? don't know about yonkers but there is a yard full of honkers just across the highway from me. ganzos--kind of a rundown goose farm. well, there are some chivos--goats,a few horses, and a cow, too. best of all there is a stock tank. since the tornadoes blew through last spring there is plenty of firewood all around town. we can fix you up with a heated pool over looking your beloved honkers in nothing flat.

be a little modest in your hot tubbing, though, and throw on a pair of trunks. your stock tank/ heated pool is in plain view of highway fifty. you know how high those 18 wheelers sit. you will be getting howdy honks from all the passing truckers. more honkers! don't want to give our town a bad name--do you?--s6 PS-if you are a good citizen and keep your trunks on, jethro and elly mae might take you down to the cee-ment pond one day.

wish i had me one of them critter catchers on the vent to my new fangled electrical drying machine. it gets tiresome digging the field mice out of the lint trap.

10-22-2007, 06:48 PM
GRANTED! ( Genie grants wish once she recovers from laughing so hard at your posts)
You now have the worlds first and only Critter Filter Trap. Ergonomic and contaminant free, this handy dandy apparatus emits a scent that attracts critters and TRAPS them under your drier, freeze dries and vacuum suction packages them for you to release in the woods or John Patton's new pool. Fear not, you do no harm to any living thing! Included in your one year subscription is a vial of Back To Life! serum, one or two drops depending on critter's original size will reincarnate the beasts to a more vigorous existence. The only problem is that politicians are attracted to the same scent and you find John McClain packaged still showing a silly grin on his face. Where do you release him? How many drops? What to do with a freeze dried vacuum packed Republican presidential candidate?

I wish every home office came with a state paid, tax free file clerk.

10-22-2007, 06:54 PM
Granted! Your new state-paid tax free file clerk's name is Paris Hilton (she's new; just got fired from her old job and has been rehabilitated). She'll live in your house. She likes expensive meals, clothes, and lots of attention.

I wish my coffee pot would automatically brew delicious coffee for me whenever I felt like having a cuppa.

10-22-2007, 07:07 PM
Granted, but you've developed an allergy to coffee. If you drink even the smallest amount you develop blisters in your mouth and your tongue swells to 10 times its normal size.

I wish all of my bills (utility, gas, house, etc.) were paid in advance and I never had to worry about them again.

10-22-2007, 07:41 PM
Granted. The action of the bills being paid in advance - is a done deal. But you live in Texas where utility companies consider capital punishment entertainment and these payments don't include the weekly rate hikes approved by George W., when he was Governor. In as little as 60 days your house is reposessed, your children sent to serve in Iraq and your family sent to labor camps in Burma.

I wish charities who ask for book donations would show more appreciation than a "That's great"

10-23-2007, 05:24 AM
Granted they lavish you with praise, only to have them make you take all the Reader's Digest books, and old encylopedia's they have.

My wish is to be able to understand my dogs.

10-23-2007, 08:39 AM
Granted. You can now converse easily with dogs in their own language. As a result, of course, you have lost the ability to communicate with humans.

I wish I had a fairy godmother.


10-23-2007, 08:50 AM
Granted. She follows you around relentlessly... potty...bed... when you raid the fridge for those late night snacks... you begin to wish that you could find 2 seconds to yourself without her hovering.

I wish these dang fires would stop.

10-23-2007, 09:19 AM
I wish I could truly grant your wish, my daughter lives in SD and I am worried about her, and her husband. So this is the next best thing.
Poof your wish is granted and not only do the fire stop, but they never return again.

I wish you well and all the people... living in Southern CA

10-23-2007, 05:01 PM
We all wish for that.

I wish for a super secret decoder ring.

10-23-2007, 06:05 PM
I wish I could truly grant your wish, my daughter lives in SD and I am worried about her, and her husband. So this is the next best thing.
Poof your wish is granted and not only do the fire stop, but they never return again.

I wish you well and all the people... living in Southern CA

Seconded. My sister lives in Ramona and we're worried about her too but she isn't answering her 'phone at the moment.

Kalel has a secret decoder ring but he's lost the instruction manual.

I wish I had more time to get the housework done and that my sister would call me to let me know she is safe.

10-23-2007, 11:44 PM
Granted. I'll lend you one of my house gnomes and cleaning is easy.

I wish my car wasn't piece of crap & I didn't have to buy a new one.

10-24-2007, 12:19 AM
Granted. You now have Teh Car of Teh Future. It talks to you (has a nasty personality, I'm afraid), ejects the chairs randomly, showers you in champagne (literally), it's all automatic and sometimes likes to fly, millimetres away from dangerous objects. All that for an enhanced experience of new-age driving. You can't change it because despite what you may think, it works perfectly fine!

Also, you can't stalk anyone anymore because it's easily recognizable, being painted bright pink with polka dots. Enjoy :)

I wish my computer was faster, darnit!

10-24-2007, 12:32 AM
Granted, your computer is very fast now because it's in the arms of a burglar and he's running out your house with it at top speed.

I wish I had a body like Beyonce (and her bank balance would be nice too!)

10-24-2007, 05:56 AM
You have both the body and the bank balance! The body is in the trunk of your car. The cops will be over soon. Yay!

I wish the new season of Lost would start already.

10-24-2007, 07:36 AM
congratz--the new season of lost begins tonight. grab a soda. pull up a chair and fire up the tube. i am the genie in charge of this wish and i will not let my personal prejudice interfere w/ your wish. you see, a couple of years ago i was hopelessly addicted to lost. this addiction caused untold befuddlement, perplexation, inertia and anguish. it also lost me the respect of my children, co-workers, students and dog. and my bowels went bad on me. intervention after intervention failed. eventually i gave up my tv. just boxed it up and parked it in the basement. it was the only way to regain my sanity and self respect.

but never mind all that. i want you to enjoy tonights show. since i am now writing the scripts i should tell you that there will be one small glitch with this new season: there will be an actual bona fide rational freaking plot. and a swear to god timeline. and the characters will do and say logical things. oh, and when someone dies they will stay effing dead. and there will be pop- ups to explain all of the mindbogglingly stupid marginals like those $%#@@$ polar bear things. and the virgin maries filled w/ foot powder/cocain and whether jack's father is really dead and who the ffff swiped lock's kidney and NO flashbacks. nope. not one. not ever. don't like the new scripting? so what? like i owe you a kidney or something? just sit your self down buster! you are not going anywhere! you are LOST. stop acting like one of the OTHERS. is that a french accent?...... where the eff did i park that tv? it must be in one of these boxes --s6

10-24-2007, 05:31 PM
Wish six?

10-24-2007, 05:45 PM
um...ad libbing

Poof! Your wish is granted. You find your TV and a re able to watch the show.

I wish I didn't have to go to wal mart on my lunch break.

10-25-2007, 04:10 AM
Granted. From now on, you will go directly to China to buy your stuff. A plane will be waiting outside your workplace. Of course, since you won't be back for a day or two, you'll probably lose your job, but at least you won't have to go to Wal-Mart anymore. In fact, you won't even have a lunch break.


I wish all the agents in the world were clamoring to represent my book.

10-25-2007, 04:42 AM
I wave my magic wand and your wish is granted.
All the agents in the world are clamoring to represent your book. In fact they clamor so much they start killing each other and till they are all dead.

I wish ice cream had zero calories.

10-25-2007, 07:05 AM
you don't even need to waste a wish on this one. the trick is to use only vanilla--it has less calories than any of the other flavors because vanilla is what they begin with when they make ice cream. the chocolate, pistachios, strawberries etc. are added later so of course they bring more calories. step #2: use only one scant scoop of ice cream. slide it into a blender cup. #3: add an envelope of diet drink mix, & 6 oz. of 2% milk (really whole milk tastes better but we have to draw the line somewhere, don't we?) and a scant teaspoon of sprinkles. malt powder is good too. mix in the blender until frothy. enjoy!

you see the minus calories of the diet mix work like a vacuum, sucking the calories into useful proteins like mini dust busters. this drink, of course, is no longer dietic but it is certainly not fattening. in an ideal world you could actually lose weight by drinking the diet mix with skim milk but sadly, it is not feasible because the diet mix tastes so nasty. i should know--s6

i wish that size eleven petite would be the new anorexia red flag

DL Hegel
10-26-2007, 05:48 PM
granted but now---unless you have a iq of 5, talk about the latest reality show and think demolition derby is the greatest--you are considered socially unacceptable.

i wish everyone would be happy--whether they like it or not.

dl hegel

10-26-2007, 06:08 PM
Poof your wish is granted... however the world is now in kaos. Mental health workers no longer have employement. Talk shows are gone by the way of the dinasours.. no more debates. And mother's laugh when their children are injured, sick or die.

I wish I could interview Abraham Lincoln.

10-26-2007, 06:57 PM
Poof! Granted.
You are assigned that interview by Atlantic Monthly.
As you leave the room you hear the editors snicker. But you go to the Lincoln memorial and meet up with Penny the psychic and the interview of a life time ( yours not his) takes place. Yet as there is no way to confirm your source the story is killed.

I wish the query process was like riding a bike.

11-02-2007, 06:51 PM
Poof: The query process is as difficult as riding a bike. You get replies stating your writing is unbalance, that you fall short, and too keep trying. :) (Ain't that the way life goes?)

I wish that love would never die.

11-02-2007, 08:03 PM
Poof! Granted
Love never dies and in order to do so it sucks the life out of hatred. Delirium takes hold. There is lovemaking in the streets, dancing and music everywhere and flowers are inserted into rifles. It is 1968 and you are in Haight Ashbury. You turn and Janis Joplin passes you a doobie. You take one hit and you are forever unelectable to the presidency. Another good woman candidate down the drain.

I wish happiness dissolved cellulite.