View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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07-23-2007, 11:40 PM
Granted. A chainsaw murderer breaks into your house, saws your body in half and puts one half of you in the kitchen and the other half of you in the back yard. Voila! You are in two places at once.

I wish that I had telekinetic powers.

07-24-2007, 09:26 PM
Granted. However, you are not two people in two places at one time. You are merely split in half down the middle and while your right side is at work you left side is at home in bed. Its a bit messy because the blood leaks out and dribbles on the floor and you also have to hop on one leg because the other leg is obvoiusly in another place, not to mention, you lose peripheral vision.

I wish I had a pony.

07-24-2007, 09:26 PM
Oops, I responded to the wrong wish.

07-25-2007, 08:18 PM
Granted. You get your pony but it is a very tiny model pony.
I wish to have all my socks match.

07-25-2007, 09:21 PM
granted: all your sox match my uncle frank suchy's sox. believe me, this is NOT a good thing. however, you can take comfort in the fact that you can also lay claim to roughly three dozen silk bow ties. lucky you, they also match your sox!!!! --s6

p.s. i wish that i had not eaten the entire city of chicago this last weekend.

07-25-2007, 09:51 PM
Granted. You did not eat the entire city of Chicago, just the part of it that includes the Sears tower. Within hours you attempt the most difficult and painful bowel movement in recorded history, and die screaming.

Since nobody took me up on my last wish, I shall repeat it: I wish that I had telekinetic powers.

07-25-2007, 10:24 PM
we were only trying to protect you. since you insist, you are granted teleknickersetic abilities. this means thet you are able to manipulate the immobile merely by concentrating BUT concentrating on anything causes your knickers to fall around your ankles. OooOops--did you mean telekinetic powers? so sorry--emily litella shakey

07-25-2007, 10:37 PM
and your wish, shapely...err.. shakey?

07-25-2007, 11:19 PM
i am still trying to pass the sears tower--s6

07-26-2007, 04:34 PM
If your wish is to pass the Sears tower, it is granted. You walk past it, but fail to notice the 2,000 pound gorilla that just jumped from the observation tower and is about to land on you and turn you into a very flat oozing pancake.

I wish that I had a self-cleaning body and didn't have to bother taking a shower.

07-26-2007, 06:09 PM
granted. one small glitch: you must carry a pocket full of small verminous bacteria chomping critters. microscopic to the point of invisible, they scurry out of your pocket vial and scour every niche and cranny of your body twice a day. and they crap palmolive scented soap particles. what could possibly go wrong w/ this arrangement? weeeeell, if you don't whistle them back after about ten minutes they will begin on the soft tissue. ever seen that twilight zone one about the earwig???? --s6

MY WISH: (this one is complex. ) my psycho duplex mate is moving out this a.m. she asked for my e-mail address. and being the s*** grinning hypocrite that i am, AND being about half afraid of her, i gave it. as soon as the van rounds the corner i am going to block her e-mails. I WISH THAT I MAY NEVER SEE HER OR HEAR FROM HER AGAIN.

07-26-2007, 10:18 PM
Granted. You never see her or hear from her again. Which is a pity actually, because shortly after you block her emails she's really hurt and dejected and to lift her spirits goes out and buys an ice cream sundae and a lottery ticket. It turns out that she not only wins the jackpot, but the biggest lottery win in history, amounting to 500 billion dollars. She would have given you half her winnings if you'd stayed in touch, but instead the very first thing she does with her money is buy your duplex and evict you.

I wish that so many species like frogs, which seem to have vanished, would return.

07-26-2007, 10:23 PM
Granted-come on over to the farm and bring yer damn shotgun-they can all be made to be extinct-the sooner the better!!!! Murder I say murder!!!!

I wish I was soft-tender-and my exoskeleton was made of love bites-if you believe this you are dumber than I thought-out!!!

07-27-2007, 07:55 AM
you are now a love munchy crunchy crustacean nugget in a mcbox-no, wait! you are being dipped into special sauce...aaaayyy--adios compadre! vaya con dios! --s6

i wish that i could have a fleet of junker cars and unlimited insurance. every time someone pisses me off while driving i could ram the bee--jeezers out of his car and abandon ship---s6 oh, and might as well give me an oversized middle finger, as long as i am asking.

07-27-2007, 10:49 AM
Granted, but your oversized middle finger proves troublesome when you are in the bathroom attempting to wipe.

I wish my husband wouldn't leave his boxers all over the bathroom floor.

07-27-2007, 12:00 PM

However he now leaves them all over other people's bathroom floors, and they mutate into alligators and bite everyone's toes.

I wish I had the build of a superhero


07-27-2007, 05:27 PM
have a superhero build. you are built just like aqua lad; a fourteen year old blonde boy who is special friends with aqua man. another blonde with a spectacular build and a weakness for man-boy relationships. UNFORTUNATELY you also walk like aqua lad: kind of a mincing little gait, slightly light in your red finned boots. worse, you also talk like aqua lad. kind of squeaky and you use expletives like "holy sea cow, aqua man!" sadly, today is your first day of high school. yes, you must park your sea horse in a bicycle rack and face life in a hostile world while dressed in tights and a fish scale jerkin--s6

i wish that my car was a hybrid--s6

07-27-2007, 05:53 PM
Granted. Your car has a Mercedes grill, a Voltswagon bumper, and Toyota engine, all brought together by Eddie's Chop Shop in Chino. Chop shops are illegal, mind you, so the police have been notified; a couple of nice blue-uniformed gentlemen will be knocking on your door shortly. They are especially interested in what was left in the trunk (don't open it! Meh, you're screwed either way).

I wish the next U.S. President will be perfect in every way, and that everyone in the whole world falls in love with him/her.

07-27-2007, 06:11 PM
because at this very moment in a secret democrat lab an eerie experiment is underawy. the clone-melding of the only two candidates who could split the upcoming ticket. Yes>>taaa_Daaa!!! i present Hillary Obammabamma Rodhamma. a strange looking, frankensteinesque creature: sort of a human patchwork quilt. well, the stitches may fade after a few years. not the best dresser. not the best speaker. and a little problem with the outstretched arms and stumbling gait. not to mention the electrodes. but will the american public accept it? hell yes. because it is NOT Curious George--s6 ps--and i'd like to see bill pussy foot around on this mate!

i wish i had graduated from the electoral college--s6

07-27-2007, 06:26 PM
And now you have - congratulations

However, you are now privy to a conspiracy with one of the lecturers and find yourself hanging by your bootstraps from the flagpole late on Friday night. Did I mention you are naked exept for a large sign around your neck that reads 'Down With Electoral College'? Sick of it all you take up a career putting tiny ships into bottles

I wish I lived on another planet.


07-27-2007, 06:45 PM
has the interplanetary transporter torn down. instead i am transporting you to western kansas. trust me, it is another planet. looking out the window of your modular home you see that your neighbor has five lincoln continentals. all up on blocks in his font yard. he drives that fetching little gremlin in primer. oh--but on the other side we have a patriot. he has a flagpole in his yard (not too mention a plastic nativity and a rusted out harrow). too bad the flagpole didn't weather the last twister. it is kind of eerie seeing old glory at a slant like that. still, it is some color in a horizon of yucca plants and two foot tumbleweeds. lets amble down to the local cafay and have us some chili and donuts. they are featuring the healthy menu today. watch it--dodge that rattler. she has been on the front step all morning, pissed off about something. oh--say, the goldarned dog rolled in that dead armadillo again--s6

i wish i lived in a big cosmo-pol-itan city--s6

07-27-2007, 07:20 PM

Of course it means you'll have to kip in the spare room in my shabby maisonette in Lewisham SE. But the mattress is not too old - only a century or so, and just smell that old crumbling brickwork. London is either scorching and humid or depressingly cold and damp, but I can show you the sights - the old cinema, the kebab shop, the taxi-rank where the gypsy-cab drivers droop in sordid clumps. Or maybe I'll take you up to town, where we can practice suicide leaps amongst the red buses and catch something itchy and embarassing. Fun times eh?

I wish I was on a desert island

07-27-2007, 09:30 PM
i am not kipping anything until i know whether you roll it and smoke it or bat it around a court. in fact why don't i back out the pick up and meet you at the desert island?--s6

07-28-2007, 11:45 AM
kip = southern uk slang meaning 'sleep'

I wish I had a nice shiny red balloon

07-28-2007, 05:06 PM
why eu, you do! ninety nine of them in fact! only drawback i can think of is that whiney german chick who follows you around singing "999 reeed lufta ballooooons" over and over in a bubblegummy nasal monotone. duck into a cinema for relief? only that goofy video is playing---s6

i wish the cropduster buzzing in my ear would land and take me out of here--s6

07-30-2007, 06:29 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it is really an alien spaceship from the planet where the bestselling cookbook is To Serve Man.
I wish all the animals in animal shelters found homes.

07-30-2007, 06:54 AM
all the animals in animal shelters all over the world have found a home with you! better invest in a flea collar and an industrial sized pooper scooper. oh, and i am sending molly, scout, and dave along too. they are my personal pets but i know they will have a better home with you. mean old shakey sometimes loses her temper with the tykes. --s6 ps--better be on your toes with that poop scooping. i had to let peta in on your kind wish. they should be out to check on you soon.

07-30-2007, 02:45 PM
Since you wished for nothing your request is granted. You lose everything in a combined stock market crash and fire. But not to worry too much your beloved pets are safe with me.
I wish for the huge inheritance I need to take care of a huge unexpected incoming of homeless animals.

07-30-2007, 08:16 PM
Granted. And along come the ceo's and all of the plant managers of the government owned Chinese pet food industry who are searching for a way to compete with Alpo and your home, um, er, farm now, looks like a good testing ground.
I wish for a little less rain.

07-30-2007, 09:25 PM
wish granted. unfortunately western kansas and the oklahoma and texas panhandles hear of your wish. this is the first time in 100 years that any vegetation is even close to green out here. we can actually bathe this summer. and not one day over 105*--until your wish. public opinion turns violent against you. armies of cropdusters take off. they are headed your way. their payload? armadillos! the one commodity we cannot sell.

after the bombardment you manage to crawl out of your shattered residence. you call for help. komnena and i arrive. we gather up the armadillos and in a brilliant stroke of financial wizardry sell the carcasses to a chinese pet food company. komnena is rich. i am tearfully reunited w/ molly, scout and dave--s6 (think there is material for a ya in here somewhere)

i wish someone would send me a loaf of bread. mine is moldy again and the nearest groc. is 15 miles away--s6

07-30-2007, 11:20 PM

You receive one 'manna from the sky' TM, courtesy of the Heaven Corp. Unfortunately you find that the loaf comes with irrefutable life-long membership of a happy-clappy tambourine cult, who great you as the new messiah and drag you away to begin a new life of singing and tambourines.

I wish I was a magician

07-30-2007, 11:36 PM
i know these happy happy tambourine folks! i used to go to school with them. the last time i saw them we were sitting in grant park in chicago, stringing some beads and listening to a little sitar music. then mayor daly's nazi horse troopers rode through.

...wait they recognize me. they lift me to their shoulders! (oakay with the help of a crane) i AM their leader. I will lead them to a commune in itchycoo park. which could be in london but might be in the sky.

but first we need a magician. and that is you my brit friend. first you will need to take a special mushroom so you can share our powers. wait! here is one growing on this piece of moldy bread in my kitchen!

we can touch the skyyyy!!!

it is all sooo beautiful.
it is all soo beautiful.

i wish the 'faces small' would have another hit--s6

08-01-2007, 02:36 AM
Granted but "faces small" turn out to be a band formed by 6 of Rod Stewart's children and 2 grandchildren and they want you to write the lyrics of their next one hit wonder and write the liner notes for the CD cover-all in one day.
I wish Andy Warhol had painted a mural of me before he went to the great beyond.

08-01-2007, 04:19 AM
before you shot him? yes...andy did paint your portrait. and YOU resorted to homicide to protect that secret. andy died of natural causes? yeah right. you shot andy warhol and the secret is out. that is not marilyn--that is you in drag. andy was just trying to get you some therapy. he wanted you to see yourself as the world saw you. --s6

i wish i knew what exactly is in that can of tomato soup!--s6

08-01-2007, 04:10 PM
Granted. You never eat another can of tomato soup.
I wish to have all episodes of Stargate on DVD.

08-01-2007, 04:53 PM
you now own all the episodes. the catch? the only dvd player available is mine. which has not worked since my grand daughter sat on it. there is a bee-gees concert dvd stuck in it. maybe you can pry that out and get it to work. i want the bee-gees back though.--s6

i wish disco would make a come back--s6

08-01-2007, 08:00 PM
And your wish is granted. (POOF) You are now the star of the new Vegas act Forever Travolta. And you briefly enjoy your fame and autograph hunters but sadly your back goes out when you become disoriented by the flashing lights in the plastic block dance floor and you go into a split and...oh it is too terrible to recall.
I wish I were a successful folk singer singing moving protest songs about the war and that people would listen and make a change....

08-03-2007, 12:00 AM
Granted. They listen - then they change to the bar down the street that has glam rock and lap-dancers.

I wish people like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears would sink back into the obscurity they so richly deserve.

08-03-2007, 02:33 AM
well, a-queen. your wish is granted. not only have they become obscure. they are now poor--and worse than poor, criminally poor. undereducated and unused to fending for themselves these two now- pathetic young ladies are remanded to foster care. in a surprise move the courts decide that they can never get a fair shake in the us foster care system. where to send them? why to scotland, of course. to their dear aunty arrow. better hustle off a-queen. bake them up some piping scones and curd or oatmeal or hagis or whatever you scots eat. i hear the dear little waifs waifs chattering on your doorstep. well actually they are drunkenly ranting and using up all the available f-words. but all they need is a proper home--right? --s6

08-03-2007, 09:35 PM
And as you expressed no wish in written form, the wish you held subconsciously is granted. You have logged out of AW and gone back to your novel with renewed vigor and excitement. The plot thickens and entices. The characters take life. You are laughing at their antics and wit and you are pouring creativity into the keyboard in flash flood style.
I wish I could.

08-03-2007, 09:57 PM
Granted. You pour creativity into your keyboard in flash flood style. Unfortunately all that water from your flash flood causes a short circuit in your computer which catches fire, bursts into flames and gives you 3rd degree burns on 90% of your body. The only part of you that is left intact are your feet, and from that point on, you type on your keyboard with your toes. You actually manage to do some fine writing, though you have to put up with the annoyance of regularly sprinkling your keyboard with foot powder.

I wish that my mouse would take over and write a brilliant novel while I'm sleeping.

Just Mike
08-04-2007, 01:38 AM
I wish that my mouse would take over and write a brilliant novel while I'm sleeping.

Granted. Your muse steps on your mouse in a fit of jealous rage. You hug the wee mousy to your chest and wail an oath of bloody-minded retribution.

The muse meanwhile steals the brilliant novel, sells it to a cartel of unsavory booknappers, and moves to Panama to be the muse for a better speller. ;)

I wish I had a turkey sandwich.

08-04-2007, 02:21 AM
Granted. You really should have killed and cooked the turkey before you made the sandwich, though. It appears to have eaten the bread and run away - though not without crapping on your carpet first.

I wish I didn't have to do my tax returns at some point in the near future.

08-04-2007, 06:51 AM
Granted: Your neighbor is doing your tax returns and now you owe $1000.

I wish I didn’t have to do anything this weekend.

Just Mike
08-04-2007, 12:52 PM
Granted: You are kidnapped by a cartel of unsavory book pirates who have confused you with Danielle Steele. At first they tie you up and force you to write a bestelling novel (think Misery only with a dude named Inego Montoya instead of Kathy Bates). When Inego realizes you enjoy being tied up and that the first draft is mainly BDSM he gives up and lets you watch pirated videos of Red Dawn and Dirty Dancing for the entire weekend.

I wish God were one of us.

08-04-2007, 04:34 PM
Granted. God is a member of Absolute Write and everything he writes is perfect. No spelling or punctuation mistakes. No grammatical errors. His thoughts are very deep and wise and omniscient. His writing is absolutely flawless and infallable, though some of us find his "holier than thou" style a bit off-putting, and you go so far as to criticise him. Big mistake. He turns you into a pillar of salt and all there's left for you is to be licked by dogs and photographed and circulated all over the web and eventually chosen by God to be his avatar.

I wish a dramatic miracle would take place today.

Just Mike
08-04-2007, 05:00 PM
Granted. God parts the Red Sea.

Unfortunately the Red Sea is a high class strip joint in Vegas run by your cousin Murray. It features the best Bloody Mary's in the western hemisphere.

While you are busy stuffing two dollar bills into some poor girl's underwear the Red Sea's parting opens a mighty chasm and you fall screaming into the mantle of the earth.

I wish I could grow a better mustache.

08-05-2007, 11:08 PM
Granted. You grow a long, thick bushy mustache that is the envy of men and the object of desire of women. Trouble is, it grows at a furious rate and never stops despite your attempts to trim it. Within a week, it is 12 feet long and within a month boths ends can wrap around a city block. Not only is it long and unruly, but because of its denseness, food gets caught in it and one day two dogs are pulling at each end to get at a t-bone steak that is trapped within the thicket of your mustache. You die tragically when your face is ripped apart in two.

I wish that they would invent a cream that would remove face stubble.

08-06-2007, 12:06 AM
Granted. Stubble is gone. As is all of the rest of the hair on your body. (Don't look down. You don't want to know.)

I wish I could find a magic motivation button for my writing.

08-06-2007, 09:32 PM
Granted (poof) (waving smoke away) It is the television remote button named MUTE. You start watching the debates (US) and decide to make up your own answers for the presidential candidates. A lingering mailman overhears you and is so impressed that he alerts the media. The doorbell rings and there stands Larry King who enfolds you in a long and tight embrace. "Where have you been all my life, he cries slowly crumpling at your feet,I have been suffering for so long with horrible writers no matter how much I pay them. Tell me, he begs, tell me you will write for me" He signs you on the spot.
I wish the rest of the world didn't hate Americans anymore.

08-06-2007, 09:57 PM
Granted. The rest of the world now loves Americans. In fact, they love Americans so much that no American can take a trip out of the country without being mobbed like a superstar. The paparazzi is everywhere. You are blamed for the lack of privacy now endured by millions of American citizens. As a result, you are made to stand in a public area in Washington D.C.. Americans take family vacations with the sole purpose of throwing rotten fruit at you.

I wish I didn't get sunburns.

08-06-2007, 10:07 PM

However, thanks to you we all now live in a world of perpetual night. The seas are rank, the plants wilting and rotting where they stand. It is the Apocalypse, oft spoken of in hushed whispers by paranoid maniacs, now here to stay. All the nutters run around in glee shouting 'I told you so', whilst the rest of the populace scramble to build bunkers and panic-buy tins of beans.

I wish I was a criminal mastermind with superhuman powers and a humungous mansion, and several hundred servants and......

Just Mike
08-07-2007, 11:05 AM
Granted: Thou art Cockroach Man!

No cockroach can resist your bug-eyed charm, your pheromones of force drawing them to you not merely by the hundreds but by the millions! To everyone else you smell like moldy bread and cat wee, but who cares?

Your glorious mansion is constructed from bug feces. It isn't exactly to code, but as a ciminal mastermind you were able to bribe the city council to grant an exception.

You have a really hard time getting dates.

I wish they would make an Aqua-Man movie so I could mock it.

08-07-2007, 12:28 PM
Aqua Man The Musical might have made it--except for your scathing review. Okay, maybe Sting WOULD have been better than Michael Bolton in the lead but Eminem was singing his heart out as Aqua Lad. Now both are out of work and their sea horses, too. What is it to you? Unfortunately you have pissed off the JLA--Justice League of America. That is right, old pard. Every SuperHero in the world is out to get you for implying that their lifestyle is not movie material. How are they going to get you? They are flying in Mike and Marshal, the new rap/goo duo to sing at every birthday, every holiday, every celebration you will ever celebrate.

i wish i could break this insomnia thing

08-07-2007, 02:11 PM
Of course, it will be my pleasure.

All your worries cease to worry you, and there is no longer anything to keep you awake at night. But you are now too laid back, forget to pay all of your bills and taxes, and end up in court having to pay a large fine. This doesn't worry you either, and you forget to pay it - are held to be in contempt of court and thrown in jail. The only compensatory factor is that even then, you remain as calm and relaxed as ever, and never fail to get your eight hours in at night.

I wish I had a nice steak pasty and a donut.

08-07-2007, 08:25 PM
Your mouth waters at the delights on the plate on your lap. But the plate is made plain pewter and you are eating with plastic utensils on your lap while sitting on an simple cot. You look u and, gasp, you are in a cell with nothing but a plastic mattress on your cot and a worn Bible at your side. You get up to try and look down the very quiet hall and you see that the other cells are empty. Then you hear gates unlocked and muffled voices approaching- you see a priest fingering a rosary and mumbling a prayer and two guards walking toward you... it is your last meal.
I wish someone would give us an icon of a genie granting wishes for this thread.

08-10-2007, 04:11 AM
Unfortunately it starts actually granting the wishes.
I wish to go to Japan for the Worldcon this year.

08-10-2007, 04:31 AM
that had me entirely stymied--s6

08-10-2007, 06:27 AM
Unfortunately it starts actually granting the wishes.
I wish to go to Japan for the Worldcon this year.

Granted. Unfortunately, when you get there you learn the Worldcon was moved at the last minute... to your home town. You cause a riot trying to get back on a plane, and wind up in jail. Luckily, they let you keep your cellphone so your friends can all send you photos of the convention.

I wish I had a timeturner.

08-10-2007, 06:41 AM
You got it! Unfortunately, your genie can't spell. Your Thyme Turner is real pretty, though. See it rotating there on the counter? And it smells nice.

As always, I'm still wishing for an agent.

08-10-2007, 06:45 AM
Done! He used to work for Publish America...

I wish I could finish editing my novel! GAH!!!!

08-10-2007, 07:00 AM
i wud be harpy to edith yur noval. and yu don't not even hav to pie me. my credenshuls is exlent. ifn i coold jist find thum.--s6

i wish that i could tesser my sophomores to mars--or any other uninviting environment --s6

Backward Masking
08-10-2007, 07:13 AM
Granted, but unfortunately you didn't wish for one-way tickets and the default is sadly, round trip. Also, standard banishment is typically between 5-7 business days unless you opt for our premium banishment package which is negotiable for up to 1 Earth year. Now, considering all this, I do know some people in witness protection that I could arrange for you to meet.

I wish my financial problems had a throat so I could kick it.

08-10-2007, 07:22 AM
his name is "vinny the throat" or in italian "vinny da troat". a heavy smoker vinny had his vocal chords severed years ago for squealing out his godfather. he doesn't speak so much as he growls-- "gimmeee da monee". yes--he runs collection for your local loan shark. the one you borrowed 30,000$ from to finance your best selling novel. now your time is up and your novel is still mired into your hard drive. go figure. all the time you spent losing at the track didn't help. but feel free to kick vinny in the throat any time. he won't feel it but you will sleep with the fishies--s6

ps--i wish that i could do my own root canal. painlessly--s6

Just Mike
08-10-2007, 12:21 PM
Your wish is my command: You discover the exciting new method of "deep" root canal, whereby you chop off your own head.

It's completely painless.

I wish I wasn't such a cruel, heartless jerk.

08-10-2007, 12:48 PM
Granted, by means of the aforementioned "deep" root canal. Too bad about those side effects.

I wish I had the energy I did before I got old and worn out.

Just Mike
08-10-2007, 02:05 PM
Granted: <flourishes in the air for dramatic effect>

larocca finds himself surrounded by a pink fog, and feels the change. Air flows into lungs untouched by time, and he sees with undimmed clarity.

He tries to rush forward, meaning to explore the world anew. After all, he is full of energy!

larocca is startled when he falls flat onto his face. He wails piteously. He looks up and sees a tall man dressed in black. The man kneels and picks larocca up.

"Geeze, you weren't kiddin pard," says the man. "You have a face that could make a freight train take a dirt road."

Baby larocca begins to cry again.

I wish I had a Red Ryder BB gun.

08-10-2007, 03:58 PM
granted. you not only have the red ryder special, you have 52 packs of bbs! unfortunately you are on patrol in iraq. --s6

i wish the rooster next door was baked in a chicken pot pie--s6

Just Mike
08-10-2007, 04:42 PM

MMM-MMM, yummy pot pie, ain't it? That sucker sure as heck isn't gonna wake you up at the crack of dawn any more.

Unfortunately, genies are sloppy cooks and you now have salmonella. Enjoy!

I wish the presidential election season was done and over with so I could concentrate on important things, like waxing my cat.

08-10-2007, 04:44 PM
Granted. The rooster next door is baked in a pie, left on the window sill to cool, and while the neighbours are busy, you creep over to their window and steal the pie. One problem, though. The people next door have no idea how to bake a rooster pie. For starters, they neglect to pluck his feathers, and don't bother to de-claw or de-beak him. As you tuck into the pie, you notice that it's a bit too crunchy for your taste, but in your hunger, you wolf it down anyway and choke to death on the feathers, claws and beak. Quite inexplicably, you crow loudly as you expire. Karma.

I wish that my dog would stop eating toilet paper.

08-10-2007, 04:58 PM
Ooh, a double:

Just Mike, wish granted, the presidential election season is over, and we have a new president who ran on a law and order platform that focused specifically on cat waxers. Just Mike, welcome to Death Row! This is your life! Or not...

Woof, in order to raise the funds to electrocute all those nasty cat waxers, the new president had to cut back on some pretty important stuff, the end result of which is a toilet paper shortage. (End result? Nah, that's not a pun.) Thus, your dog has stopped eating toilet paper, wish granted, because there's no more toilet paper to eat. Enjoy a life of wiping with corn cobs. It beats being on Death Row.

I wish that I had my own home brewing system, bread machine, and pizza oven, because I used to bake the world's greatest pizza. (Home brewed beer in the crust was an ingredient, in case you can't see the connection.)

Just Mike
08-10-2007, 05:25 PM
Granted: You have the home brewing system of the gods, a bread machine manufactured by the finest child labor in the world, and a pizza oven the size of three Vanagons.

Fire Marshall's Report
Friday, August 10 2007

When we approached the larocca residence the fire had been extinguished for three hours. As we reconstruced events, Mr. larocca apparently left too little room in his beer bottles to allow for CO2 expansion. When we tested the dough there was far too much yeast as well. He also forgot to shut his oven; a bad habit.

Apparently, Mr. larocca awakened in the night to find the bottles shattering. He rushed into his kitchen and was showered in home brew beer. He stumbled backwards and rolled in a mass of pizza dough which had extruded from a nearby bread machine.

We're pretty sure falling into the pizza oven was an accident. Mr. larocca baked into a very nice pizza, at least.

I wish I had a Vorpal Blade.

08-10-2007, 05:40 PM
goes your vorpal blade! the jabberwock? you left it dead and took its head and went gallumphing back--to whatever hellish hovel you inhabit. you stop at a drive through taxidermist and have the head mounted. you park said trophy over your mantel next to bullwinkle and that pesky flying squirrel you shot last vacation. you throw many drunken parties. all is well until...ding-dong. is that PETA at your doorstep? and your local game warden? did i tell you that jabberwocks are an endangered species? oooo--and did i mention that whooping crane that smacked into my windshield last summer is in your deepfreeze? --s6

ps-- i wish my high school students would learn to cheat so brilliantly that i never catch on. oh--maybe they have.

08-11-2007, 12:16 AM
Your will be done,

Unfortunately however, everyone else does notice and it is not long before you are dragged to the Dean in chains of Iron and forced to account for your remiss and frankly sub-standard monitoring. You beg and plead and sob all overt the Dean's shiny leather brogues, but he has a heart of stone. He throws you out into the street where you are forced to scratch a living by setting up a dancing cockroach show. However, here your luck is finally in as your dancing cockroaches are talent-spotted and you are whisked away to the grand centre stage in the London Paladium.

I wish I was normal

08-11-2007, 12:40 AM
you don't have the required genetics for normalcy. however i can send you to normal school. in fact you have been granted a scholarship to normal school. there are two normal schools in kansas--fort hays state u and emporia state u. exactly what is a normal school? (heh-heh-hee) well, it is a teacher's school. so guess what, eu? you are going to esu to be a teacher! i hear they need a high school spanish teacher in shakeyville. i am touring with the cucarachas. they are into flamenco dancing and have become a world wide hit. people are paying 75$ a ticket (that is entrada) to see them with their tiny castanets and boleros --s6 ps-- i am mailing you a box of language tapes. your first day is monday.

i wish i had the balls to swipe that big red tomato in the garden next door

08-11-2007, 03:29 AM
Granted. You gain the balls, but in the act of swiping one of the balls goes through the window and the neighboor presses charges for trespassing, smashing of his prize-winning tomatoe he was going to submit to the county fair, and damage to his property. You wind up paying thousands of dollars in fines accrued.

I wish for the largest pretzel in the world and a whole host of people who will help me eat it.

08-11-2007, 09:25 AM
Granted. The Chinese make you the world's largest pretzel and send it to you on the Queen Mary. Unfortunately they also send you a whole host of dissidents who, when they help you eat your pretzel, eat everything edible in your house and start taking food from your neighbors. The police arrest all of you and send you to the Nevada salt mines.
I wish to have oil discovered on my property.

08-11-2007, 11:36 AM
Sure. A cache of Dr. Jake's Incredible Snake Oil, left abandoned after the good doctor's unfortunate demise, unearthed just beside your front porch. Too bad it's gone a bit rancid after so many years...and most of the bottles are broken...

I wish my sister would forget about looking for the guitar she doesn't know we bought her for Christmas. She spoils all our good surprises!

08-11-2007, 06:29 PM
the guitar is forgotten. in fact your sister is absent minded these days. blame it on the heart--not the head. your sister has fallen in love with my brother! yes, he is single. he works--makes a good wage as a machinist. despite being fiftyish he is still a nice looking man. he doesn't smoke, gamble or beat women. in fact he cried when his cat died. what can the catch be? well, he dresses like guido the pimp and he has a habit of "getting lucky" at funerals. he is looking for love. the last girl he met (in a laundromat) robbed him while he was at work. but, except for the no class issue, he is a catch. --s6 ps--did i mention that he prospects for gold in his spare time? and grows his own garlic!

i wish i could find a home for my eligible bachelor brother--s6

08-11-2007, 07:34 PM
Welcome to the Shady Palms Motel,

Which has opened it's doors (and arms) to your brother. They are offering him a live-in position as handy-man/toilet-attendant. After a few weeks, however, you become anxious as you haven't heard from him. You investigate, and discover that he has joined a cult based at the Shady Palms. They worship the great U-bend, and carry around on their backs large bottles of bleach as a sign to all of their commitment to keeping the porcelain shiny and clean. They keep them all so clean that they could eat out of them - which in fact they do. Disgusted, you drag him back to the old homestead, and have to pay a fine of 1,000,000 pounds for wasting their time (and bleach).

I wish I didn't keep getting lost in this blasted swamp!

08-11-2007, 07:42 PM
Granted! But now you're lost in the middle of the Sahara.

I wish I had someone to cook for me so I will never have to cook again.

08-11-2007, 09:23 PM
my great aunt ludmilla is comimg to cook for you. nice lady. incredibly clean. fantastic cook. one small problem. she cooks only czech food: raw hamburger sandwich spread. (not that bad tasting really, if you like e-coli on a cracker.) but why worry about e-coli? what with sour cream now a major additive to everything you eat, from potato salad to pork roast, cinnamon rolls and cookies, your life span has been shortened by about thirty years. never heard of sauerkraut, potato, noodle and sausage casserole? in a week you will crave it. add the baked homemade noodles with sour cream and poppy seeds, and, of course, the fried dumplings and beans--dressed w/ sour cream. factor in kolache made fresh daily. who could resist? even if you do dodge the heart attack it will take a crane to tow your a** off the sofa---s6

i wish someone would burn my families recipes before we all die, rooted to the sofa!

Just Mike
08-12-2007, 01:30 PM
Granted: The recipes are toast!

Unfortunately the fire spreads rather quickly. If you're lucky, you can sort of roll off of the couch and make it to the door in time. Maybe. You really did put sour cream on everything, didn't you?

I wish people would stop tempting me to burn their homes down. It's really annoying.

08-12-2007, 06:39 PM

You are now free of your fetish for arson. However, being a tad inclined to be obsessive you quickly discover a new pass-time: Bacteria! You become a trainee bacterioligist and send away for a starter kit from the back of a cornflake packet. Your spare room rapidly fills with noxious bubbling substances, and various coloured moulds growing in large pertis dishes. You stop going out, spending more and more of your time with your new microscopic buddies, and the novel smells emanating from your house quickly drive your friends and family away. But you don't care, your perfectly happy, and don't even notice when the entire population of the globe expire thanks to your experiments with sour cream and baccillus noxious verus. You work on, quite happily, all alone.

How I wish we could all be brought back to life again.

08-12-2007, 07:08 PM
hitler, genghis khan, jim jones, jeffery dalmer and vlad the impaler are all coming to a neighborhood near you!--s6

i wish i had a magical, never running empty gas tank in my car--s6

Just Mike
08-12-2007, 07:25 PM
Granted:You have yourself an authentic magic gas tank and it will never, ever run dry.

Unfortunately this is essentially a perpetual motion machine. Since you've contravened the reality of the physical universe, your car rips a hole in the space-time continuum, sucking you and the entire solar system into a dimensional vortex fourteen light-years across.

Eventually the outward expansion of the universe will halt, then collapse into this eldritch singularity.

You are personally responsible for the annihilation of the universe. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, pard.

I wish I had my binkie.

08-12-2007, 09:08 PM
you do have it. unfortunately when i caused the earth and the entire galaxy to be sucked through a vortex, your binkums found its own personal vortex. yes miguel justo--you now have a bink embedded in your rectum. if its any consolation, with our galaxy in shreds who really needs a rectum? on the other hand, sitting on a whoopee cushion for all eternity has to suck--s6

as long as we are screwing w/ time & space i wish that i could time travel back to 1961, fill up my car, buy a gallon of milk, invest in some stocks and hop back to 2007--s6 and i further wish that no poster invokes that old bradbury story about the dinosaur hunt and the blue butterfly to negate my wish. ha! get around that one!

08-12-2007, 09:30 PM
Your wish is granted and everything is exactly as you wanted it to be, no strings attached. However, due to global warming the Earth dries up and everyone dies the day after your wish comes true.

I wish I could make the weather exactly as I want it every day.

08-12-2007, 10:17 PM
Congratulations! Your wish has come true! The weather is now a mix of all the different weather you had wanted everyday. I hope you enjoy your sunny, stormy, dry, rainy, windy, snowy, humid, overcast, clear day.

If you don't like the weather, wait a minute.

I wish I could afford to travel to everywhere.

08-12-2007, 10:32 PM
just by becoming a roach! bingo--you are the roach! you now travel everywhere and for free. and think of all the added perks: cheap dining since fecal matter is pretty much free; you and your kind have been around since the devonian or the cenozoic, so of course you get all the senior travel discounts; best of all--if someone saws your head off you can still live for ten days!!! be sure to cozy up to eu--he has a special fetish for your kind--s6

i wish i could become the next kafka but by writing about less icky things--s6

08-13-2007, 02:14 AM
Granted (POOF) :e2fairy:
But, Alas and alack,this genie, dressed like a fairy until her genie apparel gets back from the dry cleaner still tied up in litigation over Pluto's pants ( or I find another icon) is dyslexic. You are the next great Fakka. As in Muddah Fakka; the ever elusive bitter-due to- his-unfair-upbringing tagger from the Bronx. You are destined to hide under overpasses and precariously hanging over underpasses carrying a can of spray paint. You are forever on the run from police and colorless illiterate competitive taggers and people determined to help you enunciate your consonants.

I wish Sundays were 48 hours long.

08-13-2007, 02:34 AM
or fakka yourself, as the case may be. i live in a town of 400 peeps. we don't even have a traffic light. or an underpass. what can i tag? the frikkin watertower! and it is already full up with " shelly and jason 4 ever" ;"kate c. sux something illegible" ;"satin rules western kansas" ; "seniors 98" and "pantera rules". the pantera one really makes us look like a bunch of antiquated rednex. the city commission is pissed about that one.( guess nobody is out to defend old kate c.) first i will have to sandblast the thing and then i am putting up "talkw sells alfalfa laced hashish." or something cleverer. damn! i even forgot you wish. be right back--s6

08-13-2007, 02:48 AM
remember dunbar from catch 22? he is the airman who tries to prolong his life by doing the most boring activities imaginable. ie--he hates ping pong so he plays ping pong 3-4 hours a day. so the time he has between bombing missions will seem longer. where is this leading you ask? why to shakeyville --my hometown. where nothing ever happens. especially not on sunday. 48 hour sundays? ha. try 48 century sundays. today it is 104* out but i couldn't stay home any longer. i am so bored that i actually drove 40 miles to watch a flock of shikepokes flap around our local salt marsh. with binoculars. i was there an hour and i was the only people i saw. okay--there were some herons and pelicans too, but they were a bonus. i'd a gone for the shikepokes. yup--you are going to love this place. and your name is already on the watertower! right under old kate c.--s6

08-13-2007, 07:47 AM
You seem to be wishing for shikepokes so I'll grant your wish. Every shikepoke for miles around settles in trees close to your house. The neighbors rise up in rebellion and drive you from the neighborhood. You move to a remote cabin in the mountains and soon find yourself the guru for bird lovers all over the world. They pester you into the Witness Protection Program.
I wish for the self discipline to resume work on my WIP.

08-13-2007, 08:10 AM
i purposely moved to this bug tussle of shikepoke county kansas so that i would have the time to complete the great american novel. and what have i done all summer? whiled away the time watching stuart little 9 times (i don't have cable). watched harry potter in spanish 5 times. read every 1930 classic from the shikepoke county library and answered every goofy post on the AW" how -can- you- best -screw- off- writing- time" threads" ---s6

08-13-2007, 12:35 PM
Shakey old pal,

I give you the gift of time - which you seem to sadly lack. Unfortunately, the time-machine goes haywire and you find yourself once again aged thirteen. There is no way to get back - the time-machine is beyond repair. You are forced to go through the terror of adolescence all over again. Aaargh!

I wish I was Ramsses the Great

Just Mike
08-13-2007, 03:27 PM
Granted: And aren't you just the handsomest (http://www.si.umich.edu/CHICO/mummy/images/rameses2-l.gif) pharaoh around.

I hear they keep you in a nice, temperature controlled box.

08-13-2007, 04:21 PM
wasn't ramses the one who was inflicted with the subcutaneous skin growths? his mummy looked like a deflated horny toad? i don't have time tolook it up--have to teach school today and i am only 13!!!!!! --s6

08-13-2007, 04:25 PM
I wish to get out of this sarcophagus and become um...something else, whatever, as long as I'm not stuck in this damn box.

08-13-2007, 10:32 PM
Robbers break into the museum and steal you. They sell you secretly to Bill Gates who takes your DNA and incorporates you into a computer game but at least you get some interaction with people.
I wish I had my commentary on Rutherford Montgomery's Capture of the Golden Stallion done.

08-13-2007, 11:45 PM
Done. Of course, you mistakenly write it in the ancient language of Alisaroona, an alien planet that tried to invade earth less than a decade ago. You are arrested by Special Agents for questioning.

I wish I had an extra week until Friday!!!!

08-14-2007, 02:15 AM
As you wish.
You have an extra week. More in fact. The same week keeps repeating over and over....But you have no time to write. And it is 2006 and you are facing the verdict in your trial. You are Ken Lay.

I wish I could play the mandolin like Paul McCartney. I can't get past tuning mine.

Just Mike
08-14-2007, 03:41 AM
Granted: You get personal lessons from Paul himself. You play beautifully and he puts you on his next album.

Then he sells you to Michael Jackson.

I wish I had wished a wish when I should have wished a wish.

08-14-2007, 06:07 AM
Granted: You get personal lessons from Paul himself. You play beautifully and he puts you on his next album.

Then he sells you to Michael Jackson.

I wish I had wished a wish when I should have wished a wish.

Your wish has been accepted, but cannot be granted. You can't wish for more wishes. You are hereby disqualified from making any further wishes. The genie guild will be suing you for malpractice, since they've had it with you Aladdin copycat wanna-bes.

I wish that the Democrat symbol was no longer a rather crude term for behind.

Just Mike
08-14-2007, 09:58 AM
Your wish has been accepted, but cannot be granted. You can't wish for more wishes. You are hereby disqualified from making any further wishes. The genie guild will be suing you for malpractice, since they've had it with you Aladdin copycat wanna-bes.

Let it be known that the party of the first part, hereafter known as "Just Mike", has filed a counter suit against the party of the second part, hereafter known as "alanna," as well as the party of the third part, a pack of liars and thieves, hereafter known as the "Genie Guild."

Just Mike will also sue any other party's parts that he can think of.

Just Mike demands recompense for undue emotional stress caused by the refusal of his reality adjustment request, hereafter known as a "wish."

Let it further be known that a universally accepted authority in the semantic values of the English language, hereafter known as Just Mike's Mom, said that his wish "was perfectly all right and you just tell those nasty people to stop picking on my baby."

She then proceeded to clean Just Mike's face with personal hygeine fluid, hereafter referred to as "spittle."

Addendum: See ya in court, suckas!

Just Mike
08-14-2007, 09:59 AM
I wish that the Democrat symbol was no longer a rather crude term for behind.

Granted: The new symbol of the Democratic Party is the Dork Fish.


I wish someone would reign me in.

08-14-2007, 12:10 PM
Of course, it was nothing really. No, don't thank me. Oh well, if you insist.

Well, you may not be thanking me in a minute, for, as usual, the magic has let both of us down. I preyed to the cosmic teapot that you would be reigned in, and hey presto you have become a horse. A scruffy little chestnut pony to be exact, all pot-belly and stubborness and insatiable appetite for nettles. You now spend all of your time being reigned in, as Magda Thrum, your owner, runs a small riding school in the hills around Loch Droon. You spend your days giving rides to small screaming children and never get enough apples and sugar-lumps.

I wish I could travel far away, somewhere they'll never find me.

08-14-2007, 07:57 PM
Granted! You are now on a beautiful island all by yourself where the weather is perfect everyday and food grows plentiful on trees. Unfortunately there is not a drop of fresh water so you call for someone to bring some to you. But, as you wished, they never find you.

I wish there was no such thing as rap music.

08-15-2007, 02:23 AM
Granted! Accapella Polka is now mainstream.

I wish I could finish everything on my to-do list.

08-15-2007, 02:34 AM
Easy-peasy! The to-do's are all done, but now you have to start on an endless to-don't list, and what fun could that possibly be?

I wish my stupid vegetable garden would weed itself.

08-15-2007, 03:13 AM
now this is a hard one v-glory. being a gardener myself i have pondered long hours on this. it seems like the vegetables that you grow sort of encourage the weeds. tomato, egg plant, carrots, corn, squash--these are the doormats of the vegetable kingdom. you need something with the tenacity of dill and the roots of wild lettuce. something that spreads like tomatillo and breaks off in plant ready nodes like jerusalem artichoke. something with the drought tolerance of prickly pear and the floppy promiscuity of sunflowers. i have been looking through seed catalogs. finally have it--triffids! now here is the kind of vegetation that made the Green Knight tick. tall as your house and good to eat--almost as yummy as jerusalem artichoke. all the nutrition of castor beans. and it can scream if in discomfort. not another wussy veggie here! how to harvest triffids? well first you need a hand axe and one of those flame throwers that you see in the 1950's horror movies--s6

ps--i wish my dog could get her own water out of the tap. the toilet seat is all icky from her slobbery drinks

08-15-2007, 03:39 AM
Granted. She can now use all utilities.

That's right. All.

She decides to let you continue waiting on her hand and foot, but all your water and elecricity bills mysteriously increase. And that steak you bought for dinner? Gone.

I wish that I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

08-15-2007, 04:40 AM
Granted. You never have to work "tomorrow". But in return you have to work today instead. And since today is always today, you find yourself working every day for the rest of your life, which is not as long as you might think, as you can't handle the thought that tomorrow is always just a day away.

I wish I could turn my head around like an owl

08-15-2007, 04:48 AM
Granted: When you first attempt to turn your head around it gets stuck in back. But look at the bright side, you can always see if your butt looks big in your jeans.

I wish I could take a 3 month sabbatical from work and still get paid.

08-15-2007, 04:52 AM
that i am also gifting you with the ability to spew pea soup colored vomit like the whimsical enchanted girlchild in the exorsist. the best part of all? i am calling you in to substitute teach my sophomores tomorrow. --s6

i wish that david crosby hadn't let himself go like he did and that he would drop by and sing southern cross for me and molly--my toilet- water slurping dog. wait a minute--let him stay fat and old so he finds me attractive!

Just Mike
08-15-2007, 05:39 AM
Granted: You get David Crosby. Heck, he's young and fit but he still finds you attractive. You move in together and start a new life.

Of course,Stills and Nash show up. This would be great except they're both about 97 and incontinent.

You get to take care of them for the rest of your life while David goes on tour.


I wish I had a fish.

08-15-2007, 05:50 AM
Granted, unfortunatley it is a Candiru, a small needlefish that swam up your urine stream into your urethra while peeing in the water. The fish has barb like scales and is impossible to pull out, thus you must undergo an amputation.

I wish I had a day to myself.

Just Mike
08-16-2007, 10:07 AM
Granted: You are arrested for lying to a Grand Jury about insider trading and sentenced to five years in the big house.

You irritate a man known as "Hairy Knuckles" Kreed, and are beaten to a pulp.

The warden decides you incited the conflict.

You now have not one but forty days to yourself in solitary confinement.


I wish I could deal with this Candiru fish without, you know, amputation.

08-16-2007, 02:52 PM
It's alright mate,

I took a quick course of night classes and am now a qualified surgeon. You have to be awake during this operation, and we can't use anaethestic: Too dangerous.

Don't worry though, I'll have it out quick as a flash.

Don't cry, it's distracting.

There got it.

No I haven't


Wait (digs around - winces in sympathy)

There, all done. Was that so bad? Okay guys, you can undo the straps now. Jesus - he bit right the way through this strap!

Sew him up - couple of years and he'll be good as new.

I wish I could patent this new drug.

08-16-2007, 07:54 PM
Granted! But due to shoddy research the drug ends up killing people rather than saving lives. You profited 20 million but now you've been sued and are ordered to pay out 100 million to the families of the deceased.

I wish chocolate wasn't fattening.

Just Mike
08-16-2007, 08:10 PM
Granted: Every cacao bean is now enchanted with a mystical jazzercise geas.

You must dance my pretties, dance!

I wish I had all the answers.

08-16-2007, 08:11 PM
Granted. But you don't understand the questions.

I wish friendly aliens would visit from another planet.

08-16-2007, 08:15 PM
The aliens are excessively friendly, even touchy feely huggy kissy...with each other. You they cook.

I wish I had energy to write.

08-16-2007, 08:17 PM
Granted. But from now on everything you write sucks.

I wish Delarege's bird would quit staring at me.

Just Mike
08-16-2007, 08:18 PM
Granted: A new speargun arrives in the mail, along with an Ancient Mariner cookbook. (Albatross cooks similarly to gull).

You hunt the birdy down and discover that seagull tastes delish!

Unfortunately he gives you every bird disease which can afflict humanity.

I wish people would stop posting so fast!

08-16-2007, 08:25 PM
Granted. We now post at a rate of one per week.

I wish we never had to feel pain.

08-16-2007, 08:48 PM
Granted. The respective nerves are severed, but sensitivity to pleasure is lost as well.

I want a drafty castle of my own in the center of Scotland.

08-16-2007, 08:52 PM
Granted. But it's drafty because it was attacked by vandals several centuries ago and most of the walls are missing.

I wish I had a magic pen that could write down what I'm thinking so I wouldn't get cramps in my hand.

08-16-2007, 09:30 PM
Done. Holy smokes, those are some inappropriate thoughts you have there! You might have asked for a "magic, filtered pen"...

I wish the publishing world decided to restrict the 2008 market's offerings to works by the existing membership of AW (with more than 50 posts as of today, and more positive than negative rep points).

08-16-2007, 09:33 PM

I wish my neighbor would quit calling her cats at 4 am and waking up the whole damn neighborhood!

08-16-2007, 10:12 PM
Granted. No more cat-calling at 4-am. Instead, she calls them every day from 7 am to 8 am, 12-1 pm, 5-6 pm, 12-1am, and 5-5:30 am. And it's all your fault.

I wish I could press a mute button and shut the trap of all rude cellphone users.

08-17-2007, 01:13 AM
You have learned the fine art of irritation mimicry from the grandmaster- Talkwrite. When faced with another one of those people who are disturbing your peace by gabbing away on their cell phones you simply carry on the other half of the conversation they are having in your presence. The offenders are shocked and the bystanders applaud and throw money at you. You get so good at it that you develop a great reputation and are hired by HBO to do your own comedy show - performing irritation mimicry all over the world.

I wish someone could figure out how to turn hurricanes back out to sea and away from us.

08-17-2007, 04:19 AM
Granted. You now have Poseidon on speed dial. He asks you to babysit the oceans for a while while he goes and chases chicks, but forgets to tell you exactly what that trident does. When he comes back, furious at the havoc you have unwittingly wreaked upon the world, your only reply is..."whoops." Tantalus and Prometheus were on a cheery picnic in comparison to your punishment...

I wish that organic food was available everywhere, and cheap.

08-17-2007, 04:31 AM
you don't even have to wish for that one. allz you have to do is take the organic sign from the expensive stuff and stick it on the regular pesticide laced stuff. i live where the crop dusters fly and regardless of where they are spraying everything gets dusted. why not wish for all crop spraying to stop altogether?

i wish the grasshoppers on my tomatoes would pick upa hoe and help out with the weeds--s6

Just Mike
08-17-2007, 01:23 PM
Granted: The gov't puts a new experimental fusion reactor right next to your house.

There is a containment spill and various radioactive isotopes leach into the groundwater. Local plant and animal life will never be the same.

Your grasshoppers grow to between four and five feet in length, develop opposable digits, and begin to walk upright.

You pay them minimum wage to hoe weeds. Unfortunately, your tomatoes become carnivorous and attack on sight, so you begin to arm your grasshoppers with battleaxes instead of farm equipment.

This starts an arms race with the mutant tomatoes, and eventually a ground war like no other has commenced in your garden.

Both sides race to develop nuclear weapons capability.

Meanwhile all your hair has fallen out.

(Hey, it says EVIL genie, so I give you evil).

I wish I had nuclear weapons capability.

08-17-2007, 03:01 PM

YOU have won a warhead in our bi-annual carnivorous-tomato-growing competition. Please sign here.

Thank you.

The missile is set to detonate in ten seconds.

Excuse me while I flee on my supersonic evil genie Mark10 magic carpet TM.


I wish the radiation wasn't turning us all into mutant freaks.

08-17-2007, 07:02 PM
Granted (poof) ( cough, cough waving smoke away.)
Radiation reversed. Day by day our hair changes back to it's original color, body sizes return to standard issue. By Monday we all wake up and see that every human being looks alike- we are all exact images of Paris Hilton. Despair takes over denial as we all struggle through our new value system. Acquiescence sets in and we no longer have original feelings of envy or even vanity. The National Enquirer and People Magazine fold. We no longer have anything to live for.
I wish people having a bad day would automatically get the day off and be ordered to stay home, so the rest of us don't have to pay for it.

Just Mike
08-18-2007, 01:00 PM
Granted: Because life is an unmitigated string of relentless hardship and despair, every day is a bad day. This being the case, every working human being on the planet takes advantage of your program.

Since nobody has anything to do anymore, they sit on their couches and mope. The depression begins to build.

People gnaw on their souls in the dead of night. The free time allows them to realize that the world is grey and ashen, and all of its children weep to behold it. Many thousands cast themselves from tall buildings. Madmen laugh and gambol in the streets. Religious zealots preach of the end times.

All economies are destroyed within five months, casting the world back into primeval darkness.


I wish I knew how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

08-18-2007, 08:29 PM
to get to the center of a tootsie pop or there abouts. factor in the year :1961, the location: the exact center of the usa--or within 30 miles, and the 106* heat of westen kansas sometime after the 4th of july and the beginning of school. my friends--most incarcerated now--and i conducted that very experiment one boring, blistering summer day. now we did have one unique modification to the procedure: a garden hose. we were allowed to "cool off" the heat retentive core in the cooling stream of our neighbor's garden hose. so perhaps that accelerated the erosion of the candy coating. also on hand was a boston terrier named pudge to facilitate the licking process. glad to have helped--shakey six smith-- like mr. wizard, always here to answer the questions of the universe.

i wish we could all be kids in august of 1961 again. --s6

08-19-2007, 01:51 AM

Well sort of.

Since this particular evil genie (that's me in case you're feeling slow today) did not appear as a bouncing babe to grace this blot until good old 79, I have no idea what august 1961 was like.

So - I made one up for you.

And you're there now.

Don't worry about the nasty monsters - they just inhabit my psyche. They don't bite.


I wish I could find a place in someone's heart.

Just Mike
08-19-2007, 02:30 PM
Granted: Why just one person?

Tell you what, I'm in such a good mood that I'll give you a free bonus.

Every single person on the planet falls desperately and violently in love with you. Six billion some odd people rush to share their lives with you. Of course the infrastructure is ill suited to deal with such a migration, plus every single pilot, driver, and sailor is as desperate to reach you as everyone else.

Several billion drown trying to swim to you.

Nevertheless, within the first hour fifty million people show up to woo you. The men bring flowers, chocalates, and candy. The women demand you buy them flowers, chocolates, and candy. Having a few I.Q. points to rub together, you order the men to hand the swag over to the ladies.

You feel the rush of power that comes only when someone loves you disproportionately more than you love them, times a billion. The euphoria fades when the first million try to spoon with you.

You draft several militaries to protect you from the really crazy ones. Generals are rewarded by being able to lick your bootheel. Thus, you maintain the status quo for a while.

Unfortunately, you overlook one important detail; the green eyed monster rears its ugly head. You show too much favor one day and allow General Plot to lick your heel five seconds longer than usual. The Great Jealousy Riot of 2007 (AKA WW III) begins, and every person except for you dies.

Including the person who would have been your one true love if you hadn't mucked about with genies.

I wish the semester would start so I wouldn't have so much time to grant these silly wishes.

08-19-2007, 10:06 PM
And your semester long assignment required to graduate is to grant wishes to AW'ers
I wish anything we ate would be good for us simply because we like it.

08-19-2007, 10:47 PM
rice krispy treats are now nutritionally sound as well as the most delicious food ever ...baked? concocted? debbie cakes and twinkies not only slim us down, they add pearly luster to our teeth. and so on and so on. but what about the real good for you stuff? like brussel sprouts and lima beans? cabbage, lean turkey, and taters in non-french fry form? they are decaying in mountanous stockpiles all over the world as peeps walk by them, munching fritos, bacon cheese burgers, cherry-limeades and rushing home to eat their nutritious frito chili pies(whih, btw, the ladies in our school lunchroom swear really are good for us. may their warty noses grow an inch!) so the world is covered with rotting food, and the rats, dogs, coyote, crow, gator and dingo populations grow to the size of an army--an army that finds garbage good dining but prefers HUMAN FLESH. oh--what tragedy have you wrought now, talk???? --s6

i wish there was a way to convert all this garbage into an energy retentive fuel. like alcohol, or ethanol, or poop-ahol

Just Mike
08-20-2007, 11:36 AM
i wish there was a way to convert all this garbage into an energy retentive fuel. like alcohol, or ethanol, or poop-ahol

Granted: See the glorious Convertorama 5000XXXXX! It slices, it dices, it converts organic material into a safe, conveniant fuel for you and your family.

In your honor the fuel is known as Poopahol.

A new branch of the federal gov't is created to shovel the garbage into the Convertorama 5000XXXXX.

Unfortunately, due to your carnivorous army a large amount of the "garbage" is actually, you know . . . people.

When you discover this you rush into the street and begin to scream.

"Poopahaol is people!"

Nobody seems to care, so you shrug and buy yourself a lolli.

I wish I had the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles, and the speed of Mercury.

08-20-2007, 03:11 PM
Ha Yes,

But unluckily for you, you gain their failings too. Solomon's thousand wives dog your footsteps, nagging incessantly. You are forced to perform the terrifying and insanely difficult tasks of Hercules. Obviously you have an Achilles heel - that goes without saying - but Achilles' doting mum trails you, hanky at the ready, preloaded with spit for face-wiping. You gain Mercury's speed, but also his job as post-boy.

You unwisely confide in so-called friends about your difficulties, but they leak the story, and your dwindling free time is filled with answering begging letters and rescuing idiots.

In the wise words of Spiderman's uncle: With great power comes great responsibilty. However, your humanitarian streak is pretty small, and you run away from it all, and take a job as a journo on the Daily Planet in Metropolis.

I wish the voices in my head would stop.

08-20-2007, 06:51 PM
Granted with pleasure. ( Calls over shoulder "O.K. guys time to move on, now try getting into Just Mike's head for a while")
I wish I knew how to train my lawn to grow at my convenience.

Just Mike
08-20-2007, 07:09 PM
Granted: *POOF* you're a three-toed gacklesloth.

The gacklesloth lives in remote regions of West Virginia, is two feet tall, has green fur growing in tangled mats from putrid flesh, and eats only aphids.

The three-toed gacklesloth is also the only animal capable of speaking grass. Once you explain the situation, I imagine your lawn will fall into line very quickly.

Oh, your average blade of grass pretends to be democratic, but once you've shanghaid the leaders with your silver tongue (gacklesloths have silver tongues) you'll have no problem hornswaggling the proles.

I wish Eudaemonics voices would go somewhere else already.

They're fighting with my voices!

08-20-2007, 11:11 PM
Granted. But your voices go with them. Unfortunately, the voices were your muses. You are now devoid of inspiration and the only "creative" ability you retain is the ability to write parodies of "Roses are red, Violets are blue..."

I wish that I had another month of summer.

Just Mike
08-20-2007, 11:32 PM
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The month of Septaugus
I give to you

The sun is yellow
The earth is hot
Days are long
Fall comes not

Trees are confused
Birds are too
The world is a mess
And to you it is due

The polar caps melt
The cities drown
When all you cared about
Was to gad about town

Edit: I wish I could lose these last thirty pounds.

08-22-2007, 01:56 AM
And you did say last 30 pounds, right? Sigh They say the best is the last to go. It's that lovely 30 lb mass between your ears. Of course the extra 15 lbs were those two novels you just didn't get around to submitting.

I wish I were in Dixieland

08-25-2007, 02:13 AM
Granted, but you're in jail. 3rd degree manslaughter. You did it as soon as your arrived, and they caught you in the act.

I wish I never had homework.

08-25-2007, 02:57 AM
Okay, whatever you want.


And this is a BIG BUT...

You now have to do it at school instead. So instead of sitting all comfy at home with your favourite lucky toy and a hot cup of tea by your side, you have to stay longer at school on the hard cold chair in the draughty hall, where no snacks or toilet breaks are allowed, and also no talking...

Having fun are we?

Well I am an evil genie, after all

I wish I was a good genie for a change

08-25-2007, 05:12 AM
I wish I was a good genie for a change
Poof! You wish is granted, You are now the owner of a Genie Garage Door Opener (TM). And it is good, it will last for the full warranty period, and then some.

I wish that whenever I say a certain magic word, a beautiful twenty one year old girl will appear to do my every bidding for 8 hours and then she will disappear, completely forgetting about those hours she spent with me..

08-25-2007, 08:08 AM
your wish is granted. your beautiful twenty year old is on the way. the magic word is " i guess you could sleep over tonight. if you don't have any other place to go." her name is hempy heather. i know her well--she is my twenty year old's ex-best friend. (a good rehab will break a bad friendship.) now you won't see a lot of h.h. because she follows a band called phish. rumor has it the band disbanded years ago. unfortunately rumor has not reached the hemp girl. but then jerry garcia sings to her through her ouija board. she and jerry are especially close because she was started during a grateful dead concert---but i digress. memory? you will never have to sweat it. short term memory went bye-bye sophomore year. which is a good thing, because when she swears that she did not swipe and hock your camera, laptop, tv, car stereo or micro wave oven she will really be telling the truth because she has no memory of it. ditto for flipping off your neighbors, screaming obscenities at their children and slinging beer bottles through their windshields. and she almost never remembers the fires, either. now when she moves her boyfriend "perp" into your house the big stuff will start to move, but not to worry. the sex will be as good as ever--s6

i wish my kids collected hamsters or salamanders--not sociopaths

08-25-2007, 04:09 PM
Granted. Your kids collect hamsters and salamanders. Your house is full of these small animals. You cannot move without stepping on them. When you reach for anything you find one of them on top of whatever you want.
I wish Harper Lee would write another book.

08-25-2007, 06:44 PM
harper lee is too distraught over her failed romance with truman capote to ever write anything else. they never made it to the bedroom and she has spent these last 45 years wondering why. that leaves you k. so i am sprinkling the "scout" dust on you! you are going to write the next "to kill " book. and alllzzz you have to do is be transported back to the dirty, dusty, depression era south. to live as a six year old girl for oh...some years. maybe twenty-thirty. now you understand there is a "no-sex" rider on this arrangment. oh--and no rock n roll. devil's music has not even been invented. altho you might run into jerry lee in his toddler years. and of course no a/c. but other than that it shouldn't be such a bad experience. you saw 'brother where art thou?'. what a fashion statement you will make! wool swimming suits. cunning wool hats and woolworth's shoes.overalls. lynchings and revivals to fill your empty hours. lots of blackstrap molasses and chicory coffee, hog jawls and beans. as i understand it, lots of beans. and sunday school. and sewing samplers. have fun. i will check back on you in ten or so years---s6

wish i could spend a weekend at a p.g. wodehouse castle

08-25-2007, 08:39 PM
Granted. Unfortunately you are the substitute pig tender and you spend the weekend mucking out the pigpen.
I wish the Black Stallion was in my backyard.

08-25-2007, 10:55 PM
there he is, k. right in your backyard! humping your wolfhound..no, your glider, wait...ooops, now he is on your suv. better hustle out there and call pda (public display of affection) ---s6

lets all wish k. a gi- NORmous pair of ballbusters !!! and the muscles to heft them

08-27-2007, 02:54 PM
Just a quick interrupt to bow to the fearsome evilness of the shakeysix genie.
I thought I had an evil proof wish, but without even breaking a sweat, shakeysix made it a true nightmare.

One must never underestimate a board peopled with creative geniuses.

08-27-2007, 03:36 PM
O.k. I'll make a stab at granting Shakeysix's wish.
Granted. I now have everything you wished for me and in gratitude I'm bringing you a very fast, sex-crazed stallion.
I wish I were in Greece seeing the Parthenon.

Just Mike
08-27-2007, 09:03 PM
I wish I were in Greece seeing the Parthenon.

Granted: You walk inside the glorious Parthenon and are amazed to see that it is no where near as damaged as you had always imagined.

Then you see the munition boxes and come to a terrible realization; it's 1687, a battle with the Venetians is raging outside, and you're about to be blown up.

The Parthenon is very pretty though.

I wish I could meet Robert Heinlein, Issac Asimov, L. Sprague de Camp, Fletcher Pratt, Harlan Ellison, and Lester Del Ray.

08-28-2007, 04:27 AM
Granted. You meet Harlan Ellison at a convention where you have a lot of fun. Immediately after the con you are run over by a speeding cab and because you have been such a good person, you get to share a heavenly condo with Heinlein, Asimov, De Camp, Pratt, Del Rey and for good measure Eric Temple Bell.
I wish I could meet Richard Dean Anderson.

Just Mike
08-28-2007, 04:38 AM
Wondered how you were gonna deal with one of my heroes being alive. ;)

I wish I could meet Richard Dean Anderson.

Granted: You meet at a lovely little restaurant where you share a giddy evening with Richard. He's kind, and interesting, and you get along famously.

Then the Goa'uld attack and blow up the restaurant. Both you and Richard join the gang and me in our condo.

08-28-2007, 07:10 AM
You wished for nothing. Granted. Your heroes and you lose your lease of the condo and must walk the golden streets. Fortunately there are plenty of people willing to take you in and share their condos with you.
I wish for a neverending supply of matched socks.

08-28-2007, 08:40 AM
i was wasting my time at school today and missed that heinlein one. i would have sentenced you to speak like a heinlein character for all eternity! probably jubal, or valentine michael smith.

so it is matched sox you want? you gottem!!! unfortunately they belong to my great uncle pearl --swear to god i had an uncle pearl! (outgroup names run in my family. pearl had a twin brother and sister named otis and otilia--but, i digress.)

the thing about uncle pearl was that he was a little swishy for a wheat farmer. and his stockings were the one part of his wardrobe where his inner peacock could strut. plaids, clocks, stripes, little diamonds and polka dots in all the eye searing color combinations that the montgomery ward catalog offered back in in 1952. i distinctly remember one pair that were lime green and ruby red stripes. kind of jarring sticking out from under a pair of overalls. his wife used to hang his socks on the back porch rather than risk letting any of the neighbors glimps the family scandal. --s6

i wish that i could supply my spanish students with heinlein style voders.

08-28-2007, 05:05 PM
Granted. Unfortunately your students find new and creative uses for the voders and also retool them so they can text message their friends in Japan. You are eventually forced to confiscate every voder you see in your classroom.
I wish I had a Nokota horse.

08-28-2007, 05:15 PM

However it was presented to you at the top of the Sears Tower in Chicago and you have to pay to get it down.

I wish I had a cat that would chase the deer out of my yard...and keep them out.

08-28-2007, 05:27 PM
I wish I had a cat that would chase the deer out of my yard...and keep them out.

Granted. It is a Bangle tiger of tremendous size. The deer never return. But it won't let you out of your house.

I wish there was someplace I liked to go and hang out with other people.

08-28-2007, 05:28 PM
Done. Unfortunately, Lady Jay, that bad kitty chased those deer into the street near your home. Unfortunately, a vehicle hit those deer, and prevented its occupants from fulfilling their mission. Unfortunately, they were from Publishers Clearing House, and they were on their way to your house with an oversized check in the amount of leventeen bezillion dollars.

I wish Publishers Clearing House was on the way to me, and reached me safely with good news.

08-28-2007, 05:42 PM
Granted. The good news is that you have won the Publishers Clearing House grand prize. The bad news is that in lieu of a cash prize, you have been shipped the 500,000 copies of Chicken Soup For The Atheist Soul that they were unable to sell. (they don't call themselves Publishers Clearing House for nothing).

I wish that my dreaded Visa statement would get lost in the mail.

08-28-2007, 05:51 PM
Done. Your Visa statement is lost, you never pay, and you get charged with Credit Fraud. Meanwhile, a drunk penguin has mistakenly received your bill, and uses the enclosed information to have gourmet fish delivered to his secret lair beneath the ice. His lair being discovered, the penguin kills the delivery boy. Since it was your card, you get whapped with that accusation as well.

I wish my beta readers would hurry up and finish already! ::grinds teeth in frustration as she waits::

Just Mike
08-29-2007, 07:56 AM
I wish my beta readers would hurry up and finish already! ::grinds teeth in frustration as she waits::

Granted: I've accelerated time in a localized sphere around you so that it will seem as if the betas took a nanosecond to respond.

Whoopsee. Um, well then.

I very rarely have an opportunity to practice that spell. I seem to have overshot the mark by about, oh . . . seventy-five years.

You really shouldn't have ground your teeth so much; I'm sure they have laser dentures or something in the future, though.

I wish I wasn't so tired.

08-29-2007, 09:11 AM
I wish I wasn't so tired.

Granted. You're up, you're pumped, you're ready to run on all cylinders. You're a giraffe that only sleeps 16 minutes a day. Typing will be a little more complicated now.

I wish that little voice in my head belonged to Wallace Stegner.

A. Hamilton
08-29-2007, 10:00 AM
Granted. Unfortunately, you listen to the voice and it shows in your writing. You get sued by his estate for plagiarism and copyright infringement both!

I wish my swimming pool was heated.

08-29-2007, 05:17 PM
Granted. Your pool is heated, so heated in fact that the last thing you remember as you perform your last swan dive, is feeling an intense burning sensation as you die hissing at the top of your lungs. The next thing that happens--which you have no knowledge of because your are dead, is that someone is cracking open your body, pulling out pieces of your juicy flesh, dipping them in garlic butter and devouring you with gusto.

I wish that I could clone myself so that my phantom other would go out and work and leave me alone to write.

08-29-2007, 08:13 PM
Granted. Your other goes out and indeed does all the work and pays all the bills. However, he gets fed up with this arrangement and throws you out of the house.
I wish my book would sell a million copies.

08-29-2007, 08:37 PM
one small glitch:the lab tech cannot find a petri dish in which to clone you. it is a warm day and the tissue is deteriorating rapidly because it is mainly flab. (ever hear of a gym, woof?)--so the tech uses the first empty jar that he can find--he empties his entire supply of spanish fly into a sandwich bag (being a tech person he buys the stuff in industrial strength shipments) and uses the empty spanish fly jar for the clone. which is successful. so now there are two, count them two, woofs. (wooves?) one is an insatiable, slavering, sexual beast/acrobat and the other is...well, not exactly ho-hum but certainly nothing to write home about. you will have to figure the long term implications on this one--my break is up--s6

i wish that i was dale evans and could ride into the sunset on my horse buttermilk--s6.

08-29-2007, 08:46 PM
okay--your book sells a million copies--but only because of the jacket review by shakey six--winner of the pulitzer prize and the poet lariat(for western poetry) of the usa. past recip. of the Nobel prize, the heismann(sp?) prize for literature and an ambassador to the united nations.---s6

i wish that we were not having frito chili pie for lunch

08-29-2007, 09:04 PM
Granted. You are now having toe jam and marshmallow sandwiches instead. Crunchy and gooey at the same time!

I wish that voting would be based on the issues, not the candidate's bank fund.

08-29-2007, 11:22 PM

The candidates are now required to personally spend 2 hours rebuilding a house in a poor New Orleans neighborhood for every dollar they spend on the campaign...and they are not allowed to spend more than $1,000.00 a year.

Additionally they will be forced to discuss the issues. Too bad the issues they discuss is what 'issued' from each other's backside the previous day.

I wish my Ex would step up to the plate and pay off every cent of taxes he's withheld from the federal and state governments since 2003.

08-30-2007, 12:23 AM
I wish my Ex would step up to the plate and pay off every cent of taxes he's withheld from the federal and state governments since 2003.

Granted but it is a plate dinner for Hillary's fund raising. It took every cent. He used it as a tax deduction and doubled the tax dodge you charged him with.

I wish I had a friend nearby to visit when I wanted.

08-30-2007, 12:30 AM
Your nearest and dearest is ...just a wall away. One wall among many. You are institutionalized suffering from "Editorialis Consistentis" a disease marked by constantly making the same grammatical errors in your manuscript. There is no known cure but you are in good company, your new best friend is a former presidential speech writer.

I wish I got a prize for posting this, my 400th post.

08-30-2007, 02:04 AM
Granted. Your $400 check will be arriving shortly via UPS. But it can only be cashed if you never make a another post beyond your 400th.

I wish the next poster would write something witty, profound, or illuminating.

08-30-2007, 03:20 AM
Granted. Something witty, profound, or illuminating.
I wish I had the talent to really grant Trale's wish.

08-30-2007, 05:18 PM
Granted. Everything you write and say from now on is witty, profound and illuminating. Even your shopping lists are full of wit, insight and wisdom. And when you're out at a restaurant, your order your meal in sonnet form with rhyming couplets. At first, everybody is impressed by your remarkable talent, but gradually they become either jealous or bored or hostile. And in the totally dumbed-down world we live in, you find yourself more and more ostracised until you become a total pariah and end up living in a cave in utter seclusion, although the spiders and bats sharing your cave are absolutely blown away by the witty, profound and illuminating words that you write on the cave walls.

I wish that the lake down the street would turn into an ocean.

08-30-2007, 05:32 PM
granted--your lake is now an ocean--of dog doo. and my doggie is the first contributor--s6

i wish my dog would stop eating corn and cheese casserole

08-30-2007, 05:41 PM
Granted. Your dog stops eating corn and cheese casserole. However, he still needs to channel his voracious appetite and develops a remarkable craving for human fingers. And it's so ironic how now that your dog no longer cares for corn and cheese casserole, you no longer have fingers with which to prepare the casserole.

I wish that my dog would stop barking and let me write in peace.

08-30-2007, 10:26 PM
Granted. You look up, down rather and **POOF!** you are the proud owner of a barkless Corgi. And not just any Corgi, it is the one of the very favorites of the Queen of England little band of Corgis. Suddenly your home is surrounded by rather smartly dressed royal armed guards and a whimpering Prince Charles who sniffs and whines
" Gimme muay duaggie bayack"
I wish that youth were wasted on the elderly not the young.

08-31-2007, 04:27 AM
Granted. The elderly regain their youth and live their lives all over again. And they become elderly again. So they regain their youth again. And again. And again...
It isn't long before they can't take it any more, as even the memories of their youth have become worthless. Cue lemming-style mass suicide.

I wish I could go back in time and take Grace Kelly out to dinner

08-31-2007, 05:01 PM
Granted. You go back in time and take Grace Kelly out to dinner. However, your timing is just a bit off because your dinner date happens to be the evening before Grace's wedding to Prince Rainier. The Monaco secret police learn about your private rendezvous and have you discreetly thrown off a cliff just after you drive Grace home and she gives you a tender kiss. Still, it was a memorable and magical evening. And who knows? If your restaurant waiter had not been a palace spy, history could have been a lot different...

I wish I were the king of my own realm.

08-31-2007, 06:38 PM
Granted. You are king of the realm of Slawiddlegrumple, where your subjects are all pebbles. Every time you say something that your subjects don't like, they stone you. You are a puppet king, bent to their will by the power of gravel.

I wish that I could complete tasks on time.

08-31-2007, 07:23 PM
Granted. You become famous for your ability to complete all tasks on time, so famous that you are given so many tasks you never have time to sleep.
I wish I had all my books organized.

08-31-2007, 07:30 PM
Granted. All of your books are organized in a manner that would make most librarians shed tears of joy.

And to make sure your precious books are safe..

...they are shrink-wrapped in UV resistant plastic, covered in wax, sealed in a lead case, which is sealed in a steel case, which is covered in concrete, which is covered in polyurethane and placed into another lead case which is sealed in a steel bunker, wrapped in aluminum, covered in an impermeable plastic resin and buried 700 feet below the antarctic ice cap.

I wish I could think of a name for my mythical kingdom ..one that has not been used before...but something that an aent would like.

08-31-2007, 07:34 PM
Granted. You named the mythical kingdom: Aent.

Luckily, the agent you query thought you were naming it after her, and she's so thrilled, she's passing it on to a publisher AS WE SPEAK ! Sadly, that publisher's name is Deant, and he took offense. So sad.

I wish five drop-dead handsome men would come over tomorrow and tape off my bedroom, to prep it for painting.

08-31-2007, 08:29 PM
Shame that you are stuck downstairs in the kitchen where the five ugly fat men in vests and low-cut jeans are washing your floor and raiding your fridge.

I wish that the coyote would catch the roadrunner

08-31-2007, 08:36 PM
- Midnight Muse-I wish five drop-dead handsome men would come over tomorrow and tape off my bedroom, to prep it for painting.
Granted. (poof)
But you have the flu. And your medication causes blurred vision. You see 10 drop dead gorgeous men in your house. Not remembering why you think it is a belated birthday gift ( belated wishes btw) so you chase them. But you keep running into walls and bouncing into door jams and falling down the stairs. As desirable looks makes men easily frightened you scare them and they run out of the house- to mine. And we find something else to do with all that tape.- Then we think of the wish made by Rosebud and we use the leftover tape to tie up the roadrunner , hang him from a roadsign to wait for the Coyote.

I wish AW would throw us all a big Memorial day picnic this weekend. Lots of lobster and chocolate for everyone.

08-31-2007, 11:11 PM

However since it is LABOR DAY, we are all locked up and given shock therapy until Memorial day actually occurs. By then we don't care.

I wish someone would make a reality show where for 6 months Lindsay, Paris and Brittany have to live, and work on an island where a group of Carmelite Nuns have built a convent and live in the simplicity of 13th century (AD) Bulgaria.
With all "as you work, so shall you eat" rules applying.

And I wish their 'controllers' wwould force them to do it.

Just Mike
09-03-2007, 02:55 AM
Granted: Unfortunately, the show is a massive success and you've given the three idiots a new lease on their careers.

They torture us for another thirty years with insipid drivel until we are all driven mad and run screaming into the oceans, pulling at our hair and weeping bitter tears of horror and abuse, our wretched existence finally brought to a sweet release by the uncaring touch of the salty waves. Nice going.

I wish I could give the world a hug!

09-03-2007, 03:17 AM
would you settle for being the space baby from 2001? i am not feeling especially creative today. s6

i wish that my school computer was named HAL and he would take over my classroom, getting rid of my classes one by one. starting with the sophomores

Just Mike
09-04-2007, 02:41 PM
Granted: HAL performs as expected, but something strange happens; HAL has fallen madly in love with you. Unfortunately, your school computer is a Commodore Amiga, so HAL can only express his love for you with tacky ASCII art valentine cards.

I wish genies had to wear Hello Kitty jammies every time they did something evil.

09-04-2007, 08:55 PM
And it is days before you see one, then weeks,then years.
They are overwhelmed with embarrassment over the drop back style of Jammie's you designed. And the snaps don't stay snapped. They convene and revolt against you. You are carried to be dropped into an active volcano. Never piss off a genie.....
I wish my computer would lose the mind of it's own that it has.

09-04-2007, 10:46 PM
This looks fun! Please please please can I play too? ;)

Granted, your computer has now lost it's mind. It has also lost its memory and all of the work you saved on it.

I wish I could get more sleep

09-05-2007, 01:09 AM
well you got sleep, babycakes. bingo--you are a high school teacher.it is just after lunch (real bona fide eye-talian spaghetti and lots of cornbread--out here in the wild west we eat a lot of cornbread). it is 104*. the a/c in your upstairs classroom is out. the ceiling fans are just blowing the hot dust and unchecked papers around. you are lecturing on kennings and gnomens in anglo saxon verse and your students are dropping like flies. yup--they had early morning football and volleyball practice because of the heat and now they are napping like the kindergarteners. only they are sixteen and seventeen years old. they are crashing to the floor like fallen oaks. not good. your room is right over the office. as you try vainly to frighten them with detention (in an air conditioned room. no way they are going to pass that up.) your twenty something pipsqueak principal is climbing the stairs to see what is going on... oh--you wanted to sleep? so sorry. i am the emily littela genie. i don't always catch the whole meaning. adios. i am going home to my a/c---s6.http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/icons/icon12.gif think the principal wants to talk to you

Just Mike
09-05-2007, 02:42 AM
oh shakeysix
ain't got no wish
so how now
is an evil genie
to finish?

my powers are dulled,
my poofs are nulled
my curly toed shoes
have decided to fold

what am I to do
save grant a wish
that shakeysix
has failed to dish?

so a wish I grant
a bad poem write
to fill your life
with horror and fright

oh shakeysix
ain't got no wish
so how now
is an evil genie
to finish?

I wish I had a pony.

09-05-2007, 03:56 AM
oh lord--worse than bad poetry--death by heinlein!

09-05-2007, 06:07 AM
I wish I had a pony.Granted: But the pony is too short and your feet touch the ground.

I wish I had someone to clean, take out the garbage, cook dinner and go grocery shopping for me.

09-05-2007, 07:16 AM
Granted: But the pony is too short and your feet touch the ground.

I wish I had someone to clean, take out the garbage, cook dinner and go grocery shopping for me.

Granted, as marriage proposals go, it itsn't the most romantic but you should know that I come with an 8 month old baby and I've been cleaning, cooking and shopping all day already (don't even ask me how I feel about the fact you can't seem to put your socks in the laundry basket instead of throwing them on the floor!) I'm just so I'm exhausted. It's 4.15am and it's now your turn to look after the baby! Yes honey, you aren't the only one who needs sleep! My job is relevant too ya know! Wake me up in 2 hours and I'll take over - unless I pretend I'm sleeping!

I wish I could lose 10lb in weight and you would clean up after yourself for once! :)

Edit: Screw that! Wishes are free - I wish I could lose 10lb and the more pizza I ate the more weight I would lose! In fact I want a special pizza called the 'Harimum special' and I have to be careful because every time I eat it I lose weight! Ahhhh Margherita... *sighs....

09-05-2007, 07:47 AM
Granted. Thieves come in and steal 10 pounds of your computer accessories.
I wish I had fruit juice bars in the freezer.

09-05-2007, 08:08 AM
i will take the 8 month old baby. temporarily, of course. you see i am grammy supreme. i change and bathe. i pull the tot in a red wagon to the library and fill the wagon with "good doggy carl" books. we read carl stories together on a serape in the back yard with my dog molly. i do tea parties. i push the stroller through the park and take baby to the wading pool every day. he can pick flowers in my gorgeous garden. i only fix healthful snacks. never miss a naptime and am completely dependable on vitamins, lotions and all types of drops. sounds great right? and it is...for the most part.

one small fly in the diaper ointment. i cuss like a marine. no great mystery--my father WAS a marine! i spent my formative years in his nurturing company. my own grandson once put his little fingers in his ears and exclaimed "grammy shannon! i am only seven years old! you can't say the F word to a seven year old!" that stung. i was only asking for the remote.

my two year old grandaughter spent this weekend with me. her mother claims that now she brings her toy puppy into the living room and drop kicks the thing saying "get the eff out of the kitchen while we are eating you stupid asshole dog." i lied and said i had no idea where she picked that up.

harri--just think in 4 short months your child will be using some of the swear words that won the south pacific for us!!!!!--s6

i wish that i had more grandchildren to nurture--s6

Just Mike
09-05-2007, 09:15 AM
Granted: Your kids take that whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing way too seriously. They begin to ingest fertility drugs as if they were Skittles.

Octuplets become a common occurance every nine months; your city council donates a defunct barracks to house your grandchildren.

You are the warden, I mean babysitter, of this cadre, every one of which has the approximate personality of a pit bull mixed with a Teletubby. Awesome.

I wish most people would rather read than watch TV.

09-05-2007, 10:12 AM
i shakey do not own a working television. i read. wow--a world peopled by shakeys! --s6

i wish the cisco kid would make a comeback. now there was entertainment!--s6

09-05-2007, 04:04 PM
Granted. The Cisco Kid returns and rides daily through your neighborhood. Unfortunately the neighbors do not like him as much as you do. They call the police whenever he appears and eventually you are forced to take up a hermit's life far from civilization as we know it.
I wish the cats would eat the new cheaper food.

09-05-2007, 04:30 PM
Granted. Your cats will eat anything that you give them, no matter how cheap. Unfortunately, after dinner your cats happen to watch that TV commercial that features a spoiled cat being served foie gras in a champagne glass. Later on, after conferring with each other, your cats deliver you an ultimatum: Either you dump the no-name kibble and start delivering a finer cuisine and a higher level of service, or they turn your bed into a litter box.

I wish that my dog would not become hysterical everytime he sees a squirrel.

09-05-2007, 08:16 PM
I wish that my dog would not become hysterical every time he sees a squirrel.

Granted {poof}
Tonight you come home and pooch scampers across the room carrying the book you left on the coffee table titled "If You Can't Catch Them Join Them" and climbs up the floor lamp curling his tail in a S shape and chattering madly. He drops the book as he leaps, flies over your head to the top of the kitchen cabinet where he has stashed a pile of Mutant Walnuts. Could be very entertaining.

I wish the barter system would come back into play and I could translate directly for gasoline and house payments and not wait on the checks....

09-08-2007, 01:15 AM
Granted. Unfortunately what your clients want you to translate is their lecherous fantasies into fact. (On the bright side, you find you have a real talent for this and end up driving a pink Merc, with Malibu feather-trimmed interior, and living in a Beverly Hills Mansion.)

I wish men would pee in the loo rather than in the general vicinity.

09-08-2007, 02:21 AM
Granted ~Poof~ ( cough cough waving away genie smoke AND Malibu feathers)
The world seems quiet for a while until you try to go into a ladies room and you discover ( shock) there are none anymore. The men's loos around the world have been remodeled and hold four 4 foot wide urinals manufactured by U Cain't Miss This Inc. The result is there is no more room for ladies rooms. Once again we women pay the price for men and their....
Ahem, which makes me wish someone would finish that sentence for me.

09-08-2007, 02:52 AM
promiscuously firing peckers--s6

i wish the world would open its eyes and see me for the poetess i am

09-08-2007, 04:35 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it is in a world in which poetry is outlawed. You are forced to exist on what you can steal from strangers passing through your remote mountains.
I wish I had some self discipline when it comes to buying books.

09-08-2007, 07:35 AM
as Talk says-- "POOF" --you never buy another book again. you steal them. you take to wearing a pair of baggy clown pants, tied at the ankles. when you see something you like, for example the last known copy of "podkayne of mars", you just slip it down your pants and waddle out of the place. unfortunately, altho this worked in the 70's, nowadays you are always setting off alarms in libraries and book stores. and getting arrested for shoplifting. fortunately you hire a glib lawyer who gives your illness a name. time after time you are pardoned. finally though, your biblio-shenanigans can no longer be dealt with by a slap on the wrist. you are sentenced to crawl through flea markets and garage sales collecting all of the old mildewy paperbacks in the world. you fill your basement with them. you fill your garage with them. worse, you are sentenced to read them---s6

i wish someone would return all of the library books in my basement

09-08-2007, 08:16 AM
Granted. The library police come in search of their books. To make sure of getting theirs they take every book in your house, including your prize copy of Podkayne of Mars.
I wish for the huge house I need to house all the old mildewy paperbacks which have mysteriously appeared in my house.

09-08-2007, 04:35 PM
and i do not even need magic for this one. there is a 4 bedroom, 2 story house just down the street from me. it sits on a huge corner lot. price? it can be had for the asking. i will ask for you. only two small drawbacks: #1-the fire damage. not a huge fire--just a small meth generated fire in the upstairs bedroom. since the renter is now in jail he cannot pay the damages. the thing is the owner did not have home owners insurance. hard to get insurance in a town without a fire station.
#2- it is located in bumfunk kansas--population 488. (double that if you count illegals.) now this lovely old victorian farmhouse will hold every book you have ever picked up and the owner will part with it for a couple of hundred dollars--just enough to get the city fathers off his back. he will also let you keep the 300 cats in the basement. looking forward to seeing ya soon neighbor--s6

i wish my neighbors would hurry upand eat that obnoxious rooster--s6

09-08-2007, 05:38 PM
Granted. Unfortunately the rooster got you up and writing many a morning. Now you lie abed in blissful sleep. Your W.I.P. lies languishing.You lose your job and your expensive condo. Fortunately there is a lovely, slightly damaged Victorian farmhouse available for a very good price. It even comes with 300 mousers and so you never have to worry about mice again.
I wish I could go to the Horse Park every day.

09-08-2007, 06:16 PM
there is a horsetrack in the next city and I am poofing you into a job there. Of course it is a Mexican Horsetrack. So the rules are a little different. In fact the rules are a lot different. And of course they are all in Spanish. And, unfortunately, the pay is in pesos. But it is a very newsworthy track. It makes the papers a couple of times a year. Stabbings usuallly. A drug arrest from time to time. And the ubiquitous brawls. You will be keeping book. Ten cuidado. (That means be careful.) Most of the stabbings have to do with illegal gambling. Did i mention that gambling is illegal in Kansas? But as long as you wear this nice brown jacket that says "I.N.S." on the back, the KBI won't bother you.--s6

I wish that I had a nice cushy government job

09-09-2007, 04:37 AM
Granted. You are given the job of cushion-maker for the president's chair. He wants a new one every week, of a different color and fabric each time, yet all equally plush. You are responsible for changing the cushions every Friday. Unfortunately for you, that's bean night.

I wish the dishes would do themselves... to the tune of "Be Our Guest."

Just Mike
09-10-2007, 06:47 AM
Granted: Your dishes are all sparkly and musical.

Unfortunately Disney sues you, you lose your house, become desperate, rob a liquor store, are caught, thrown in prison, befriend a large lady named Bertha Smerdegarde, escape with her, flee to Arizona, and drive in slow motion into the Grand Canyon.

Your survivors write a novel named Bertha and alanna but are sued by the producers of Thelma and Louise . . .

I wish always remembered to wish a wish.

09-10-2007, 07:44 AM
wish granted. consider your wishing on auto-pilot. i have taken over as evil wishee for your next 5 wishes:

#1 : lots of money-- you win the sweepstakes.--the baluchistan sweeps that is. new carpet and all the camel dung you can burn in one winter.

#2 : exotic travel-- all expense paid one way trip to ulan bator. (if you are not a trivia freak you may not know that ulan bator is the capitol of outer or inner mangolia. not sure which myself so the ticket is excusably vague. wherever you end up--remember to have fun.)

#3 : power--no sweat. you are now the head of the democratic party. not the usa democratic party but a liberal democratic party in some totalitarian theocracy. (ulan bator might be handy.)

#4 : down and dirty sex --of course. but you must remember this is down and dirty sex through the eyes of a fiftyish widowed english teacher. you get a little smoochy face, grabby buns and a mild grind every friday afternoon, when you sneak out of spanish class to meet your 15 year old pimply faced sweetie pie on the wrestling mats under the stage in the auditorium. that cold shower in gym class is going to feel SO good.

#5 : every van morrison album ever recorded--and who would not want that one? i will even throw in neil young and bob wills.

09-11-2007, 12:38 AM
Before anyone else takes Shakey's forfeited wish I will grant it. Nothing from nothing gives you nothing. She officially has nothing to loose.

I wish that deadlines had snooze buttons.

09-11-2007, 06:36 AM
Granted. All deadlines have snooze buttons... that can only be reset once and then refuse to stop going off. The modern world is enveloped in endless buzzing and ringing, creating such a cacophany that no one can get any work done. Thanks to your wish, the modern world grinds to a halt and headache medicine sales spike. But the medicine makers are also on hiatus, so once the supply of headache medicine runs out the world must endure pain. Black market dealers sell asprin instead of cocaine. The only beings who are unaffected by the noise are llammas, who use this opportunity to take over the world. I blame you.

I wish I could get all my reading done on time without my brain exploding.

09-11-2007, 06:47 AM
no reading necessary at all. just buy yourself a carton of my newest poofy invention: text suppositories. your head won't explode but your a** might--s6

i wish my cat was smart enough to grade spanish 1 papers

Just Mike
09-11-2007, 06:50 AM
Granted: The amount of information now crammed into your brain doesn't make your head explode.

It makes your head implode into a minor singularity, a black hole that eventually consumes the planet.


I wish I had a trained monkey that would clean my house. That would be awesome!

09-11-2007, 07:00 AM
and here is your monkey. she needs a day job. her night job doesn't pay much. she is one of the infamous monkeys in the room full of typewriters who will eventually type out all of shakespeares works. and she is a sweet little thing in her pink pampers pull- ups, fringed halter and ruby red tap shoes; her orangey hair pulled into a snazzy little ponytail. she will clean her heart out for you and for mere peanuts...and a few bananas. a bargain in spite of the all night typing thing. --s6

wish that monkey could teach my cat to dress better

Just Mike
09-11-2007, 07:15 AM
Granted: I loan you my monkey to teach your cat to dress for success as well as grade Spanish 1 papers.

Unfortunately, the cat steals your job.

The school board didn't have a choice, really; it dresses better than you do and works for kitty litter. Cost effective.

I wish I was a little faster on the uptake.

09-11-2007, 07:24 AM
you are. i am going to bed.

wish i could think dream up a little wish for just mikey

Just Mike
09-12-2007, 01:47 PM
Granted: You wish I was the God-King of the Universe, Protector of the One True Chalice of Virtue, Keeper of the Sigil Stone of Hrothmund, and the Lord and Master of Unnecessary Capitalization.

You are so Smitten by My Awesome Awesomeness that You Volunteeer to be My Loyal Scribe For All Eternity. UNfortunately THE CAPITALization BEGins TO GET WORSE OVER TIME AND ALL THE SHOUTING EVENTUALLY DRIVES YOU QUITE MAD.

I wish I knew what the heck was with many of my fellow fantasists and the shift key.

09-12-2007, 04:25 PM
Granted. You now know that according to Freud, compulsive use of the shift key by fantasists represents an unconscious desire to overcompensate for that which is perceived as small and inadequate. Hence, the need to USE LARGE CAPS WHEN small ones will suffice. You also know that from here on in, everytime you use the shift key, everyone will point at you and snicker.

I wish that friendly and intelligent extraterrestrials would visit Earth soon.

09-12-2007, 04:43 PM
Granted. Tomorrow morning an expedition from friendly Betelgeuse arrives. Unfortunately they are appalled at the way we treat each other. They promptly depart in outrage and put us on their avoid at all costs list.
I wish I had a money tree in my backyard.

09-12-2007, 09:23 PM
Granted .
It is a lovely Arachia Palm tree growing tall and gracefully leaning over your fence. It drops twenty dollar bills into my back yard for years unbeknown to you as you dutifully fertilize and water it . You see the beauty of the tree, I rake in the profits. I am now rich and can quit my job sit on my patio and write all day long. An Ode to A Leaning Palm begins to take shape.

I wish Lavender grew in my garden.

09-12-2007, 11:52 PM
Granted. Lavender grows in your garden. And grows. And grows. And grows. Pretty soon, an infestation of lavender takes over your garden, your house, your neighbourhood, your city, your country, your continent until eventually lavender rules the entire world, enslaving all humans and forcing them into a life of perpetual gardening. Though life sucks, it still smells sorta' pretty.

I wish that garden gnomes would mow the lawn so that I wouldn't have to do it.

09-13-2007, 12:35 AM
i just sent five gnomes on a riding mower to mow your yard. i think they were drunk. at least one was naked.--s6

i wish that i could write like willa cather

Just Mike
09-14-2007, 11:09 AM
Granted: You now write exactly like Willa Cather . . . of Des Moines.

Willa "Wild Bill" Cather is the owner and proprieter of the largest biker bar in the midwest.

Her literary talents mainly extend to off-color graffiti in bathroom stalls.


I wish my shoulder didn't hurt right now.

09-14-2007, 03:21 PM
Granted. In fact, you have absolutely no sensation in your shoulder, your arm or hand. You may be paralyzed for life unless you sacrifice your first seven novels to the demon lord Typo along with the biggest bottle of the most expensive booze at your local market.

I wish I could get the soundtrack of "Little Shop of Horrors" out of my head.

09-14-2007, 04:17 PM
Granted. The soundtrack of Little Shop Of Horrors leaves your head. It is replaced however, by The Best Of Ozzy Osbourne & Family which plays over and over in your head for all eternity.

I wish that my dog would not bite my toes while I'm on the computer.

09-14-2007, 11:37 PM
Granted, Your dog, the last of the species Pedicuratus Caninus wakes up from his nap , shakes out the toenail clipping from his mouth and has completely forgotten his ancestral art of the pedicure. Slowly thousands of pedicurists clamor for sources of training, which no longer can be found. The good ones quit and the throw down manicurists (formerly known as drunk garden gnomes, one being naked) take over their spots. Feet are mangled across the continents. People can no longer wear shoes and the GNP of Italy drops 65 %. One day you are enjoying a fine bowl of pasta in an Italian Bistro and you are shot dead. I am the only mourner at your funeral.
I wish there were more independent books stores in every town.

09-15-2007, 12:40 AM
Granted. Indie bookstores now overtake the world. They all accept seceral copies of your novel, and put them on their shelves. You hear nothing from any of them about sales until several years later, one of these stores calls you to inform you that you owe $50,000 in self stocking charges.

I wish I was in better health

09-15-2007, 12:50 AM
you are in better health--better health than my 88 year old uncle spec, who was buried last tuesday. but hey, he made it across normandy beach and another 63 years, not too mention 4 wives and sundry galfriends. so the machine gunning didn't slow him up that much. i don't look for the 4 ugly holes in your abs to pain you much. most likely your bikini days are over tho--s6

Just Mike
09-15-2007, 09:23 AM
what to do with shakeysix
who refuses to make a shakey wish
perhaps I should type her up a shakey list

she could wish for ginger snaps
she could wish for gobs of cash
she could wish for corned beef hash

but because she did not wish
I must now
turn her

POOF! shakeysix is a mackerel. :tongue

I wish for ginger snaps, gobs of cash, and corned beef hash.

09-15-2007, 05:15 PM
mikey got me again! now i am the only mackerel in the panhandle and he wants corned beef hash.

okay mr. mikey--i may be senile but i am still eeeevil personified. the corned beef hash is yours--served up at an eatery just down the street from me called 'edna's place' (home of the big momma grease and gristle burger-). corned beef hash is a breakfast special and comes with two big sunny eggs poached into the hash, like the baleful eyes of the hound of hell. the ginger snaps? a big old grin on the hash face. (edna was out of toast points). in case you were worried about getting to edna's don't worry. you spent the night across the highway at nietos cantina, slugging down tequila shooters with hoonior, angel, pancho and the boys. now you have the cruda--hangover of the century, dodging semis and corn trucks as you make your way across highway 50. try not to puke in edna;s establishment. she is a tough old gal and kind of 'perticular'. the gobs of cash? your paycheck. you lost it last night playing cards with hoonior. mrs. mike is going to be so glad to see you---s6

i wish i could change my own oil

09-15-2007, 07:48 PM
Granted. You take a bottle of sunflower oil down from the shelf, pour it down the drain, then go to the grocery store and return with a bottle of olive oil. Congratulations! You have successfully changed your own oil.

I wish that I had a robot to serve my every need, a robot who would always be loyal and never rebel.

09-15-2007, 11:54 PM
granted. you have the robot from lost in space. the most annoying robot ever created. unless one of you realllllll old timers remembers a robot named reject that belonged to a scientist named "mr. duckweather." --s6

wish someone else remembered all of these old tv shows. it would make me more secure in my own sanity

09-16-2007, 02:47 AM
Granted. Your new neighbor has videos of every TV show ever made. He calls you constantly to talk of nothing but these old TV shows until he drives you stark raving mad.
I wish I had my ten culls from the private library already.