View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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03-02-2007, 10:44 PM
Granted! Pity the teleporter has a glitch...we last tracked you somewhere over the Cloud Nebula, but gosh, PLENTY of "me time" now!

I wish I had the ability to stop time without that ability backfiring in some way.

03-02-2007, 10:51 PM
It doesn't backfire at all, Jeanne. Of course, "stopping" doesn't include restarting, though. And now, you.. are.... stuc---

I wish I thought more before I spoke or wrote or typed.

03-02-2007, 10:52 PM
Granted. You think so much that you never speak or write or type.

I wish I knew what I was doing half the time.

03-02-2007, 11:07 PM
"Taking a nap, huh? Well, that makes you the ONLY #$&@#* who does know what he's doing around here!" --Patton (well, not exactly)

I wish Alleycat didn't always dash my hopes and dreams for a foolproof, idyllic existence, leaving me frustrated and totally dependent on my meager paycheck.

03-02-2007, 11:21 PM
Granted, I will do better this time. You are not longer dependant on your paycheck. You've been fired. Now you rely on government assistance. Hey, life is great in the projects . . . no commute to work, time to do as you please. Just don't go out at night unarmed.

I wish I didn't have to go to the damn grocery store this afternoon.

03-02-2007, 11:39 PM
okay, you don't - the damn grocery delivery guy comes to your house. his english is a little rusty, so none of the stuff you ordered is on the list. but he looks so pitiful that you don't have the heart to send it all back, so you take it... and give him a $20 tip too.

i wish i could shapeshift at will.

03-03-2007, 12:11 AM
Granted. It's a damn shame you decided to be a fly before clearing the highway, though. But if it makes you feel better, that driver was all out of windshield wiper-goo and you blocked his vision for an hour.

I wish I, too, did not have to go grocery shopping this evening!

03-03-2007, 04:19 AM
Granted! Your cupboards are now full to burstin'! You have all the Velveeta and rough .000005 ply toilet paper one could need, and then some. You have nothing ELSE, but you have those in such abundance that you won't be able to buy anything else for weeks unless you open your home as a shelter for a few days. Good times, good times.

(And, may I say right here that this horrible "shopping" trend is spreading? I, too, must leave my lovely computer for a while and go shopping. Geez, it must be Friday or something...)

I wish all my many household chores would do themselves.

03-05-2007, 10:49 PM
Granted. Your messy house messes itself. Your dirty laundry dirties itself, and now your garbage is filling itself, to the brim. You'll have a good week cleaning all that up !

I wish I could make the clock speed up and slow down at will.

03-05-2007, 11:10 PM
Done. You now have a funny clock. But the rest of the world continues at normal pace, so you are late for meetings, important television shows, etc.

I wish that I was truly appreciated as a great and giving writer.

03-11-2007, 10:54 AM
Done. You now have a funny clock. But the rest of the world continues at normal pace, so you are late for meetings, important television shows, etc.

I wish that I was truly appreciated as a great and giving writer.
Granted! *I* appreciate you! What a shame that I'm neither an agent, editor, nor publisher. But I DO appreciate you! So very much! BTW, you need to "give" me a little more. I'm just saying...

I wish everyone would support my reign as Queen over on the Royalty for a Week thread instead of constantly trying to kill me, usurp me, or run amok.

03-12-2007, 10:46 AM
Granted! *I* appreciate you! What a shame that I'm neither an agent, editor, nor publisher. But I DO appreciate you! So very much! BTW, you need to "give" me a little more. I'm just saying...

I wish everyone would support my reign as Queen over on the Royalty for a Week thread instead of constantly trying to kill me, usurp me, or run amok.

Granted. However, as you can tell from my name, I am a dead High King of Ireland and Our spirit shall haunt you for the entire week of your reign. I shall drive you quite mad and at the end of the week, you will grovel and beg Our forgiveness for thinking you had the right to sit upon Our throne.

I wish I could find my mother's Indian Chicken Curry recipe.

03-13-2007, 12:09 AM
Granted....it was chiseled into the ceiling of a chamber way in the back of Luray Caverns...about three miles off the tourist trail. You have to rapel down a mile, and dive under a cold pond to find the entrance to this cavern.

I wish BrianM would, in a caring and loving manner reminiscent of early 3 Stooges movies, make sure that Jeanne TCG is not bored, not even for one nano sec, during the remainder of her Royal Week.

03-13-2007, 02:07 AM
Granted! He dropped the A-bomb while she was hopped up on meth.

I wish my mom would buy me Metallica band shirts.

03-13-2007, 02:10 AM
Granted. She got a special deal on them. They're all size XXXL-Tall. Wear 'em with a friend.

I wish I had a maid.

03-13-2007, 03:15 AM
Granted. She's a Meter Maid and follows you around giving you parking tickets - whether you have a car or not.

I wish I could throw off this cold and stop wheezing like an old horse.

03-14-2007, 02:21 AM
Granted. You're now feeling great, but wheezing like a young goat with hay fever. It's not as annoying, but there's more of a sqeak-quality to it, like hiccups, and people are starting to point.

I wish I could do my evening mile-long walk while napping, so I could get a work out and a bit of a snooze.

03-14-2007, 02:23 AM
Granted. I think Cramer from Stenfeld came up with a similar idea. Let me do some research. I know George came up with a way to eat and have sex at the same time. Any interest in that too?

I wish someone would make me dinner.

03-14-2007, 02:48 AM
granted. how do you like your worms cooked?

i wish that all the bullshit in my life would just stop. forever.

:D alice.

03-14-2007, 05:35 PM
Granted. All the bovine species on Earth got smart, built space ships and left. There are no bulls left.

I wish that I could comprehend how an organic staple puller works.

03-14-2007, 06:34 PM
Granted. First, you need some organic staples (ie: spit) then you apply the organic staple pullers (ie: fingers) and pull that which was once held together with the organic staples (ie: spit) apart.

I wish my furniture could simply levitate so the installers could put in my new hardwood floor next month without me having to move the entire house into the kitchen.

03-14-2007, 06:55 PM
Granted! One poltergeist headed your way. You just might need to abandon the house when he's done, though.

I wish some one would fix the shared printer...

03-15-2007, 03:20 AM
Granted. They fixed it so they're the only one who can use it now. Here's a quill pen and a pot of ink to be going on with.

I wish my fingernails would stop breaking.

03-15-2007, 03:26 AM
Granted. You have fingers like Edward Scissorhand. Hey, can you cut this thread off my shirt?

I wish time would slow down in the evening.

Shady Lane
03-15-2007, 04:00 AM
Granted. The earth has now been stretched to accomodate the change in rotation and thousands of species of animals die from change in temperature.

(Man...that was more depressing than I intended...)

I wish I didn't have to go to school.

03-15-2007, 04:02 AM
Granted. You don't have to be employed later either.

I wish there was something on television worth watching.

Shady Lane
03-15-2007, 04:04 AM
Granted: You're now paid $4 for each epsidoes of Pimp Your Ride. Oh, and it's Canadian dollars.

I wish I looked like Jessica Alba.

03-16-2007, 02:56 AM
Done. And you can believe Jessica's mighty confused, looking into her mirror right now!

I wish there was one agent, one publisher, and one million readers for every writer who is a member of AW as of this minute. Sorry future noobs!

03-20-2007, 02:47 AM
Granted. Unfortunately your Fairy Godmother has a hearing problem, so it's one agent, one publisher and one reader for every million writers. No change there then.

I wish people weren't suffering from tail-end-of-winter grumpiness.

03-20-2007, 06:08 AM
your wish is my command. now they complain about how fall is so far away.

i wish that i didn't have to change schools.
:D dancingandflying

03-22-2007, 03:03 PM
Okay. But remember, a change is as good as a holiday.

I wish there were more hours in the day.

03-22-2007, 05:15 PM
granted. now the earth has stopped rotating so the north hemisphere has the sun's light all day, everyday.

i wish that i will be able to graduate a year early from high school.

03-23-2007, 01:56 AM
Granted. After all, I know you're clever enough.

I wish I didn't have to do so much housework.

03-23-2007, 05:21 PM
your wish is my command. now you have a professional maid and cook so you can relax and write.

i wish i could finish my novel this year.
:D dancingandflying.

03-24-2007, 01:01 AM
When you wake up tomorrow morning and head on over to your computer, you will find that your novel is totally complete (and perfect and not in need of a second draft).

I wish I had a louder voice.

03-24-2007, 01:20 AM
your wish is my command. your voice is strong, beautiful, loud, and everything you want it to be.
i wish guts to tell my best friend i love him.

03-24-2007, 01:42 AM
It's done. You are brave and strong and able to say anything you feel (and he loves you too).

I wish I was more organised.

03-24-2007, 01:46 AM
granted. everything you needed organized is now neatly placed in folders and boxes to your liking.

i wish i wasn't so jealous.

03-24-2007, 02:17 AM
(??? Where did the evil genies go? Everything's so sweet and fluffy all of a sudden!)

Ok, I'll get things going again. You're no longer jealous at all. Might get sorta lonely being the only person in your world, though. ;)

I wish for the Dallas Mavericks to lose a dozen games by the end of the regular season. (See, trying hard to keep things non-sweet-and-fluffy :tongue)

03-24-2007, 03:03 AM
fine. but all your favorite teams lose all of their games. (not so sweet and fluffy now, huh?)
i wish i could play drums better.

03-24-2007, 03:58 AM
Granted. That unexpected exposure to radiation and those extra arms you suddenly sprouted have turned you into an absolute whiz!

I wish I had more energy.

03-24-2007, 04:08 AM
Granted. Your diet will now consist solely of energy bars.

I wish i could go back in time and speak to myself when I was 13.

03-24-2007, 05:20 AM
Ok, but you-at-13 doesn't much care for this weirdo appearing out of nowhere.

I wish I had a golden ticket.

03-24-2007, 07:05 AM
Granted, but I get the chocolate.

I wish someone else would wash my dishes.

03-24-2007, 08:23 AM
granted. but it was a three year old and when you made a nice dinner and pulled out a couple of plates, they still have leftover eggs on them.
i wish the majority of people in america actually thought. at all.

:D dancingandflying.

03-24-2007, 04:26 PM
Granted, but now the majority of Americans all have the same thought process; there is no diversity.

I wish I could influence people by will power.

03-24-2007, 08:30 PM
Sure. Whatever you put in your will, people will do.

I wish I could stay caught up on sleep.

03-25-2007, 07:23 PM
if you really want to. now you are like sleeping beauty, but instead of being kissed by a prince, you have to be kissed by a frog.

i wish i could fly.

Annie O
03-25-2007, 07:32 PM
Granted. You fly and fly, up and up, but you can't come down.

I wish I ruled the world.

03-25-2007, 08:53 PM
Granted! Here you go:

I wish I could step outside the normal time stream & back whenever I wanted, to get more done.

03-26-2007, 11:28 AM
Okay, but remember, you go only go through three times a day. After that, you stay there.

I wish I could play the piano.

Annie O
03-26-2007, 01:41 PM
Granted...but you're tone deaf and play it so badly that no wants to listen.

I wish I could use the pottery wheel.

03-26-2007, 11:31 PM
Granted. You use the pottery wheel to knock some sense into the bloke what took your parking space. Seeing how useful it is, you also use it to rearrange parts of his car.

I wish I didn't have to audit this stack of expense reports.

03-26-2007, 11:44 PM
Granted. You don't have to audit them--just say they look swell; the Sarbanes-Oxley police that audit you will find anything wrong with those expense reports, for you.

I wish I had better command of the vernacuel-- vernak--- languij--- laing-- words and stuff.

03-27-2007, 06:23 AM
Okay, but unfortunately it's all in Swahili.

I wish I could arrange flowers.

03-27-2007, 07:37 AM
of course you can, and not only -- you can also hear them, yeah, they tell you where each wants to go.

sometimes they fight over the best spots and it gets harder to keep things quiet. well, keep yourself quiet, coz no one else hears the flower talk but you... people start giving you a wide berth, and you don't get invited to Sunday barbecues any more... coz everybody you know has flowers in their back yard and you just can't help chatting to them....

i wish i could wake up already so i can start my day job.

03-29-2007, 05:41 AM
Granted: You’re up at 4:30 AM to get to your day job by picking up garbage in the parks.

I wish there wasn’t any allergy season.

03-30-2007, 06:32 PM
Granted. There isn't any allergy season. There now is THE allergy season.

Oh yessiree doodle. Global warming has spurred the world wide spread of quick growing blossoming forests. As a matter of fact, all grasses, trees and shrubs grow, flower and produce pollen 24/7/365. Arctic plants that have lain dormant through the last 4 ice ages are blooming with new, unfamiliar, and highly histimane producing pollens.

Look at all the pretty flowers.

I wish I get fried clams, potatoes, and strawberries for lunch

03-30-2007, 07:01 PM
Granted: one fried clams, potato and strawberry smoothie, coming up (heavy on the, um... soyliva). Sorry Jay!

I wish I saw only the good posts, and not all those ones from the bad boys in TIO who gave me a swirly that time....

03-31-2007, 01:53 AM
Granted. Unfortunately this reduces your AW content to approximately 10 posts a day. Still, at least this gives you plenty of time to get on with your writing.

I wish the payments I'm due would hurry up and come in.

03-31-2007, 03:02 AM
Okay. But unfortunately, all your bills will come in too, at the same time.

I wish I never got stuck for words.

03-31-2007, 11:54 AM
granted! you've got words coming out of ears, words you never knew you knew... in Turkish, and sometimes in Hungarian (coz the two are kinda related and you just love the way they sound, so that really makes it hard to stick to one language).

now, if you could only translate it in English, this novel is bound to be a bestseller!

i wish i knew exactly what is supposed to happen on 21st December 2012.

04-02-2007, 04:12 AM
Granted: On December 21, 2012, Santa will publicly announce his retirement and put his house up for sale, lay off the elves and give the reindeers to public zoos. Christmas presents will end while parents scramble to come up with an excuse to tell their children why there won’t be presents.

I wish I could recuperate from a hangover within an hour.

04-02-2007, 03:48 PM
There's only one way to do that. You have to concoct a mixture of strawberry flavoured milk, raw fish caught from the Atlantic ocean during a full moon, ice cubes, out-of-date chocolates, egg white and a dash of hair-of-the-dog. Shake it vigorously whilst repeating "I am not sick. I am not sick. I am not sick." Then drink it as quickly as you can. Your hangover will be gone within 7.5 minutes.

I wish I had neat handwriting.

04-02-2007, 08:50 PM
No one has ever seen better representations of 7th dynasty heiroglyphics.

Too bad you will have your hands cut off for chiseling them into the lobby of the Cairo Hilton.

I wish I had one of those plastic singing trout, and that it would sing the 'Three's Company' theme song.

04-02-2007, 09:31 PM
Granted. The firm that makes them was about to slip silently into bancruptcy; but you have given them new hope to hang on and reissue the things. And, being the trend setter that you are, now everyone wants one. Every office, every cubicle, every waiting area, every room in every home feature the trout and his inane tune, and the entire free world is turning into an insipid, Chuck E Cheese-meets-Fisherman's Wharf that we can't get out of our heads, easpecially when Mr. Roper or Don Knotts pop in and replace the at least pleasant view we imagined of pre-shopping channel Suzanne Sommers or the other one, whatever her name was. Thanks a whole lot, Jaycinth!

I wish I had a firmer grip on reality!

04-03-2007, 02:41 AM
granted. now you have no imagination, so you lose your agent because you can't write. now every one of your readers hate you because you can't write. lovely!

i wish i didn't have to go to school tomorrow.

:D d and f.

04-03-2007, 04:11 AM
Poof! You don't have to go to school tomorrow. Instead you can make breakfast for your family, clean up, make beds, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up, do laundry, balance the checkbook, fix the squeak in the closet door, bathe the dog, clean up, get ready for the next day, write a report for the department, then fall into a coma.

I wish that my kids would participate in competitive tidying.

04-03-2007, 06:44 PM
Except they read it as competitive 'TYE-DYING'.

See your house...look at the pretty colors!

......here, have some scotch.

I wish I could have beef swarma and mesclun with feta and green olives for lunch.

04-03-2007, 06:58 PM
Granted. It's what they're all having for lunch today, in the Bosnia free-fire zone. Jaycinth, where's your helmet, soldier?! HIT THE DIRT!

I wish my works were already available on the shelf, with a really famous imprint, too. That's what I wish all right.

04-03-2007, 08:22 PM

Before her last appearance before the judge, Courtney Love sat in a vat of Welches Grape Jam, and then sat on each and every page of each and every thing you have ever written, and it was all published just like that....

with that famous...doubly famous..imprint on each page.

I wish there were a hundred dozen of those little rubber duckies in the elevator of the building where I work.

04-04-2007, 11:27 PM
Granted. Too bad, though. They were left in there, packed so tightly, for so long - they've melded together, bonding on the molecular level, into one giant - VERY PISSED OFF little rubber duckies.

And they're out for blood!!

I wish perfumes and colognes were never invented.

04-04-2007, 11:34 PM
Everyone now bathes themselves in cigar smoke three times a day, and the soap smells like menthol cigarettes.

We won't discuss the new fad of munching on crispy garlic cloves all day.

I wish no one will notice that I pretty much blew off work to write sheep jokes.

04-04-2007, 11:54 PM
Granted. No one notices anything, right up until April 15th.

I wish that someone would post some sort of "barber school" website, but not a place to risk your scalp for free haircuts....no this would be a school for agents....hungry for manuscripts to market! Yeah, that's my foolproof wish!

04-05-2007, 01:50 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it's ScamSchool and they all want to market them to PA - after charging you a nice, fat fee, of course.

I wish I wasn't getting quite so cynical in my old age.

04-05-2007, 08:57 PM
Granted. You've got Alzheimer's and you can't remember enough to be cynical.

I wish I were making more money writing.

04-05-2007, 10:27 PM
Granted. A bunch of not-to-ambitious college students will shell out big dollars for research papers. They'll be over at your house around 8 PM on Saturday to discuss the topics. You'll need to provide a couple of kegs and a bag of chips. Hide the dog.

I wish yards were self-weeding.

04-05-2007, 10:48 PM
Granted. Of course, they already were. It's getting rid of the darned things you should have wished for!

I wish I had that short Zoysia grass that stays green all the time and only reaches about two inches in height and needs mowing about once every ten years, if that, and is everything the magaine ad claims. There: foolproof!

04-05-2007, 10:53 PM
Granted. Unfortunately, it attracts a lot of golfers, who - thanks to all the gofers - start using your yard as a putting green when you're not at home. I'd suggest shatter-proof glass in those windows, and maybe fog out the one that looks in to the bathroom.

I wish I had a riding lawn mower, a shed to keep it in, and a really handsome, shirtless man to use it while I lounge on the deck and watch.

04-06-2007, 12:41 AM
Granted: The shirtless man is riding the lawn mower with a beautiful woman taking pleasure in his body. The police show up stating the lawn mower was stolen as the shirtless man tells the police the mower belongs to you. You’re handcuffed and ushered away while watching the shirtless man and woman cuddle on a lounge chair drinking Margaritas.

I wish someone would cook the things I’m requested to make for Easter.

04-06-2007, 07:04 AM
granted. but everyone hates them and no one is your friend anymore. sorry.

i wish i didn't have to go home.

:D d and f.

04-06-2007, 03:25 PM
Granted. You don't have to go home, it's cool if you take off with your friends on that trip to Jamaica.

And while you are gone the physical manifestations of The Green Lantern and Ganesh, appear in your home and grant everyone super powers and they all fly off to a secret headquarters in their new identities and you never see them again.

However attacks by intergalactic and multi dimensional beings fall off...

I wish someone would, using scoops of ice cream, create a portrait of Millard Filmore on the street in front of The White House.

04-06-2007, 06:50 PM
Granted. And by the powers of MacAllister and the alignment of all of the AW stars in just the right way for pre-ordained post number 2832, this--THIS ONE--is the only wish ever to be granted without drawback. There is indeed now an ice cream portrait of Millard Filmore on the safely blocked-off street in front of the White House. You could have had anything, post number 2832. You chose this. Well done indeed, Jaycinth. And congratulations!

I wish I had a time machine so that I could have beat Jaycinth to post 2832 and wished for something that had to do with Publishers Clearing House visiting my house later.

04-06-2007, 07:00 PM
I wish I had a time machine so that I could have beat Jaycinth to post 2832 and wished for something that had to do with Publishers Clearing House visiting my house later.

Granted. However, a millisecond before you went back someone else went back in time and let one rip in right in the face of the lead coder for Vbulletin. He went into a coma and all the other programmers are at the hospital visiting. Vbulletin hasn't been released yet. There is no Absolute Write forum and no post 2832.

I'd just like a girlfriend please.

04-06-2007, 08:17 PM
You start corresponding with a nice girl named Tina Ming. As this goes on, you discover that she is your soul mate, your one and olny true love, and she feels the same for you.

So finally, after 1 year, 8 months,17 days,13 hours, 49 min, and 54 seconds, you meet her at the local airport....

The first ever female Sumo Wrestler, Tina Ming.

I wish I could be in their wedding party.

04-06-2007, 08:25 PM
You start corresponding with a nice girl named Tina Ming. As this goes on, you discover that she is your soul mate, your one and olny true love, and she feels the same for you.

So finally, after 1 year, 8 months,17 days,13 hours, 49 min, and 54 seconds, you meet her at the local airport....

The first ever female Sumo Wrestler, Tina Ming.

I wish I could be in their wedding party.


Tina has no friends so you're assigned to be a brides maid. After weeks of rehearsal dinners and being out and about you fall in love. You and Tina are married and live happily ever after.

Now that I've lost my true love I wish I had another girlfriend.

04-12-2007, 01:42 AM
Granted. The Best Man just had a sex change op.

I wish I could have a kitten.

04-12-2007, 01:52 AM
okay. but it's dead.

i wish my parents weren't so ignorant!
:D d and f.

04-12-2007, 02:39 AM
Okay. But now they're not ignorant, they know everything. Everything! Where you are when you're not with them, where you're going before you know, and even what you're thinking.

I wish I could go on another cruise.

04-12-2007, 03:59 AM
I wish I could go on another cruise.

Granted. 15 minutes out of port the entire ship succumbs to the Norwalk virus. A storm keeps you from returning to port but doesn't spare you from 40 ft swells that last for the next 12 hours. You don't know which you prefer, Norwalk or seasickness.

I wish the xxx-rated video made by and starring Brad Pitt and Janet Reno would surface on the Internet.

04-12-2007, 04:01 AM

Janet Reno (whoever that is) is wearing a strap-on and Brad's lubed up the sheep.

I wish to win the Booker Prize. :D

04-13-2007, 01:40 AM
Granted. Booker is a singing chicken and the prize is he now belongs to you.

I wish I already lived in Florida.

04-13-2007, 04:58 AM
Granted: You just moved to Florida and it starts to sink from the Tsunami that just hit.

I wish I was taller.

04-13-2007, 05:55 AM
okay. but now you can't fit inside your front door. sorry.

i wish i could finish my damn novel!

04-17-2007, 08:41 PM
Granted. Your novel is finished. Your novel is published. But since you 'damned' it, every time a person gets to page 13, they vanish into perdition in a puff of smoke....but you can hear them crying out when you try to sleep.

There are more voices every night. They know your name. Don't open your closet.

I wish my cats would stop conspiring to flip me out.

04-17-2007, 08:45 PM
Granted. They are now working solo.

I wish the brownies were done!

04-17-2007, 08:50 PM
Granted. They are now working solo.

I wish the brownies were done!

Granted. They are pot brownies though and you are arrested. The LEO in charge brings them to me for testing and I have a great afternoon at work. When I get home I dip them into tequila. Mmmmmmmm.

I wish I would get laid before the Mayan calender runs out.

04-18-2007, 05:41 AM
Granted: Due to the complexity of the calendars, the synchronization is off and you get laid by a donkey.

I wish I can take a 6-month sabbatical without losing my job.

04-18-2007, 05:44 AM

You lose your current job but the fulfilling of your wish requires you to frolic about in a swimming pool full of live testicles for all eternity.

I wish a naked girl would supernaturally visit me and relieve my burden. HAHA!

04-18-2007, 05:52 AM
You lose your current job but the fulfilling of your wish requires you to frolic about in a swimming pool full of live testicles for all eternity.

I wish a naked girl would supernaturally visit me and relieve my burden. HAHA!Are they attached to anything? :D

Granted: A naked girl shows up with a flat chest and a locked chastity belt without the key. Instead of relieving your burden, she relieves your stomach pains.

I wish RumpleTumbler gets what he needs before the Cubs win the World Series. :D

04-18-2007, 05:54 AM
Are they attached to anything? :D

Granted: A naked girl shows up with a flat chest and a locked chastity belt without the key. Instead of relieving your burden, she relieves your stomach pains.

I wish RumpleTumbler gets what he needs before the Cubs win the World Series. :D

Granted. Whenever that is, something fucks it up <insert your thought here> so that the thread may continue. I sacrifice my love life for you bastards/bitches. :roll:

I want to get laid?

04-18-2007, 06:02 AM
Granted. Whenever that is, something fucks it up <insert your thought here> so that the thread may continue. I sacrifice my love life for you bastards/bitches. :roll: ROFL! On behalf of the Chicago White Sox, we thank you for your sacrifice.:hooray:

I want to get laid? I can see that and I feel your pain. If anything comes up… I mean, if something opens up… I mean, if things get hard… Okay, I’ll stop. :D

I wish I could grant everyone’s wishes.

04-18-2007, 09:42 PM
Granted!! But you can only grant one wish a day. Any more than that and you pass out for 6 hours.

People just do not understand this, and between granting the first wish and the second, you are tarred and feathered and left on an isolated island.

Too bad you did not wish to grant your own wishes.....Oh well, maybe a cruise ship will run aground....

I wish there was a neat TV show that was a mixture of 'Get Smart', "I Dream of Jeannie' and 'The Mod Squad'.

04-19-2007, 12:03 AM
Granted, and it's called Charlie's Angels, starring Barbara Feldon, Barbara Eden, and Peggy Lipton. They cruise around solving crimes, talking to an invisible boss via their shoe phones, and wearing provacative outfits that stop just short of showing their belly buttons.

I wish my house was paid for (and that I still owned it and also have not zoomed ahead to the end of the thirty year mortgage via time machine--just that it was paid for today, in 2007).

Ruth Barringham
04-19-2007, 03:26 AM
Granted. It is still 2007 and you now have no mortgage because someone has paid it off for you. But now you have become part of "the family" you must do everything you're told, no matter how much you don't like hurting people or handling dead horses heads. On the up side, if anyone ever does anything bad to you or upsets you...

I wish all police detectives were like Colombo and could figure out who the real killer is no matter how cleverly they think they've covered their tracks.

04-19-2007, 03:31 AM
Granted. From now on all killers will be figured out at once, but in the same moment all defence lawyers also got smarter, and now even more killers go free.

I wish I would get word from the agent I queried months ago soon.

04-19-2007, 03:31 AM
Granted but they all wear a wrinkled rain coat just like Columbo and turn around just as they are leaving and say "Just one more thing."

I wish I would do a stupendously brilliant job of writing my new novel and that when the dream agent read it she wouldn't know whether to smile or cry because she was so deeply touched by the story.

04-19-2007, 04:54 PM
Granted--you both have the same agent. She can only handle one story, and she calls to let each of you know that she's, well, confused as to which to pick up, confused regarding her feelings, and that she will not be able to provide closure for either of you until...say, next decade? Word to you both, though, Ciao!

I wish Rye-Chee crackers would start appearing on local supermarket shelves again. I really miss those crackers...

04-19-2007, 08:52 PM
The famous Easter Island Sumo Porn Star...'Rye-Chee Crackers' is now the spokesperson for Trojan Condoms, and not only is his face on every package....(and therefore on some of the shelves in your local market)

But everywhere you turn, there is a lifesize cardboard display. '20-somethings' copy the artwork to the side of their cars.

And now he's endorsing TP, peanut butter, and energy drinks.

I wish I had time to watch old 'Three Stooges' movies.

04-19-2007, 09:15 PM
Granted....and easily--as things turn out, it wasn't time that was your problem, but choice: your cable provider has gone to simple, one-channel programming, and they chose The Three Stooges Channel as their only offering ("All Nyuk nyuk nyuk, all the time!"). Now you can see every movie, and multiple times!

I wish Jaycinth would finally get the level of respect and professional deference she deserves.

04-19-2007, 09:16 PM
Granted but she is gonna have to get rid of the pumps, the Prada and the running around nekid

I wish for peace in Pittsburgh

04-19-2007, 10:24 PM
Granted. All of the Pirates have been found, tried, and executed in accordance with the laws of international waters. Of course, perhaps insufficient thought was given to possible causes for there being no peace in Pittsburgh to begin with...

I wish I had a ghostwriter on my side--not some ghoulish Edgar Allen Poe creature, but a real writing partner to clean up my stuff without any further effort on my part, who then goes on to sell it all and split the profits with me in an efficient, expeditious manner. There--a completely foolproof one, finally!

04-19-2007, 11:04 PM

I wish that kat had me as a ghostwriter-80 20 split my way and success garownteed

04-19-2007, 11:36 PM
Granted. Of course, a ghostwriter who actually makes the spelling errors and content worse, well....let's just say the combined profits come to just over twelve dollars.

I wish the new Star Trek movie would be released sooner than next year.

04-20-2007, 05:05 AM
Granted: The release date is next month, but only one clip of the movie is completed.

I wish I had millions of dollars bequeathed to me by some distant relative.

04-20-2007, 05:21 PM
Granted. You do indeed! As luck would have it, he was an engineer with your last name working in Nigeria. Before the Nigerian government can release the funds to you, they need your bank account number, long distance phone provider, and all of your PIN numbers and gymnasium locker combinations. And once agaien, congrdulashuns!

I wish the so-called 'paperless office' was a reality!

04-20-2007, 07:43 PM
Granted! And you are a smart one because you have backed up every document to four different locations and USB drives, in addition to saving everything to multiple floppies which you have stored in 3 different locations. You've even saved everything to microfiche.

So, isn't it neat that when you only have one piece of paper left to shread, that Denmark decided to test several nuclear devices in the lower atmosphere and that sends several waves of EMP's around the globe, which fries every piece of unshielded electrical equipment in the world...which is almost everything.

Gee...I guess you'll have to shread that last piece of paper by hand.

I wish that George Bush would develop a passion for broccalli and plant the entire White House lawn..and the Ellipse, and the Capitol grounds with the vegetable.

04-20-2007, 08:05 PM
Granted but who the hell is gonna supply the damn gas masks?

I wish that Jay who is one of this places bright lights would be granted all her wishes and that Mr. Right would come along and give her a lovely back massage-the rest is up to her and her Prada and her pumps and her pies and her deadly humor which we love!!!! We are in a loving mood today so forgive me for being nice please-thank-you!!!!

04-24-2007, 12:49 AM
Granted: Mr. Right shows up at Jay’s house, but she’s not home. He rings the doorbell for 10 minutes and then sneaks through a window. A neighbor notices him breaking into the house and calls the cops. It turns out Mr. Right has a habit of breaking/entering and voyeurism.

I wish my job would offer 4-day work weeks without having to make up the eight hours.

04-24-2007, 12:50 AM
Granted! But since you are now part time, you lose all benefits and they are taking your retirement fund back.

I wish I could sit for a bit longer without having to pee all the time.

04-24-2007, 04:08 AM
Granted, but eventually your distended stomach is of such proportions that you cannot drag it along the floor to walk.

I wish I could work at such speed that the entire day's work was completed in 10 seconds.

04-24-2007, 04:52 PM
Granted. You now are an insane pro-active fast moving character. There is one slight problem, there's no stopping you as your programme is forever continuum. Sorry but, your trapped buddy :D

I wish, I was working on my essay

04-24-2007, 06:57 PM
You are kneeling on your essay while vacuuming under the sofa.

I wish I were sexy.

04-24-2007, 07:14 PM
Granted. Since you already are, you really shouldn't have wished for the past tense of "were" though...

I wish I had less need of sleep or food (and was still alive, active and conscious though).

04-24-2007, 07:23 PM

Thanks to that mixture of Nodoz and Hoodia that you perfected, you are doing wonderfully on 3 hours of sleep and one meal every 24 hours.

And you're making millions on the internet sales of your new compound.

And the Lawyers for Nodoz and Hoodia have taken notice as has the IRS and the FDA.

Gotta passport?

I really wish. Really REALLY wish, that the people up front would order beef swarma and greek salad for everyone in the office and pay for it out of petty cash.

04-27-2007, 05:19 PM
Your wish is granted. Petty cash is also paying for Pepto Bismol and Immodium AD for everyone in the office.

I wish the house we loved but just missed last year was on the market again, at an affordable price, and we could find a buyer for our house.

04-27-2007, 05:45 PM
granted. but as soon as you move in, you find that the roof is collapsing, the walls are rotting, rats the size of your hand live in your bedroom, and hobos come knocking on the door every night asking for change.

i wish my parents would change their minds about not letting me go to the school i love.

:D d and f.

04-27-2007, 08:12 PM
They relent and drive you to the school and enroll you!

But the uniform is now a burka, and all of the classes are taught according to ancient Zoroastrian mythology with an emphasis on the Summerian Pantheon.

I wish it will take another week for the consultant to find that shrimp.

06-30-2007, 05:29 AM
Better late than never so...Granted!

But consultants aren't very good at looking for shrimp. They are much better suited for finding ways to downsize at your company and well...sorry.

I wish that I had a live-in housekeeper/nanny/cook, you know, another me.

06-30-2007, 05:59 AM
Granted: And she’s sleeping with your husband.

I wish I were off work every Friday.

06-30-2007, 06:13 AM
Granted: Unfortunately, you only worked on Friday.

I wish I were captain of a 76 gun ship of the line.

06-30-2007, 06:18 AM
Granted. The previous Captain however, just finished sailing it to the bottom of the Caribbean, but hey, it IS the Caribbean.

I wish I could think of what happens next in my novel.

06-30-2007, 06:40 AM
Granted: Your character wakes up and, voilá, it was all a dream!

I wish I had rock-hard abs.

06-30-2007, 06:50 AM
Granted: Oh, you didn't mean brakes? Bummer, your car's anti-lock brakes just locked up on the water slide side of a rainy mountain road. Meet Mister Oak tree.

I wish I hadn't found this thread.

06-30-2007, 07:23 AM
Granted: You've found that other thread instead, where Spooky and Inked are always getting it on, only they completely ingore your posts except to comment on the size of your sausage.

I wish I had a Maserati QuatroPorto

07-01-2007, 01:46 AM
Granted: But only your grandmother can drive it.

I wish someone would cook dinner for me.

07-01-2007, 02:02 AM
** God that sentiment echoes my own. Why have I gradually become IT in my household? **

Granted, but it will be so delectable that you will eat and eat until you weigh 40 stone and need a crane to be removed from your house.

I wish I could take a good holiday.

07-02-2007, 11:22 AM
Granted, but you will be sick with Montezuma's revenge the entire time and never leave the hotel room.

I wish there were more hours in a day.

07-03-2007, 12:44 AM
Granted. You have been transported to Venus, where a day is the equivalent of 243 Earth days.

Unfortunately, since there's no oxygen, you'll only last four minutes.

I wish it would stay dry tomorrow, so I can get my washing out.

07-03-2007, 01:49 AM
Granted, but you will fret all day at the strange habit of your new neighbours, which is to examine your underwear on the line with large binoculars, until eventually you take it all in to put in the drier anyway.

I wish I could get motivated.

07-03-2007, 03:38 PM
Granted. An army of red ants crawl up your legs, and you are suddenly motivated to express a wild and manic dancing ability.

I wish that my toenails and fingernails were self-clipping.

07-04-2007, 12:23 AM
Granted. Unfortunately they self-clip at the most inopportune times. Nothing like a barrage of ricochetting toe-nail clippings to ruin those more intimate moments.

I wish politicians weren't such a bunch of self-serving a*ses.

07-04-2007, 01:00 AM
Granted. Now thousands of nice people who are employed by the big news networks have nothing to talk about. Many will become unemployed, but the rest will be sitting on your front lawn all day, every day waiting for a Paris Hilton sighting.

I wish it would rain here (california).

07-04-2007, 01:27 AM
Granted. And Lo, it rained for forty days and forty nights and everyone was drowned in California except for two of every animal who were saved on an ark. Unfortunately all the animals that were saved on that ark were from San Francisco and gay, and so the entire race of Californians eventually died out and became extinct.

I wish that I had the power to be invisible.

07-04-2007, 02:14 AM
Granted. But now you cannot leave your house, which has been chosen as the location for the very first international 300lb male stripper's contest. They tend to have the annoying habit of bumping into you...

I wish I had a time machine

07-04-2007, 03:15 AM
Granted: Your time machine keeps bringing you back to the worst day of your life.

I wish I never got another migraine again.

07-04-2007, 03:21 AM
Granted! No migraine shall plague thee again. But karma decrees that you must be plagued by something, so how about boils? acid indigestion? pink-eye?

I wish I could stop time.

Ruth Barringham
07-04-2007, 04:08 AM
Granted. Welcome to Ground Hog Day.

I wish all the brilliant writing plots, articles, etc that I have could write themselves immediately so I don't forget them.

07-04-2007, 04:49 PM
Granted. All those brilliant writing plots, articles etc. automatically write themselves then morph into your identical twin who becomes a bestseller, makes pots of money and claims all the credit, leaving you bitter and languishing in obscurity while she lives it up at her fabulous beach house, setting aside some time to write her Nobel prize acceptance speech.

I wish that it would rain ice cream.

07-04-2007, 08:28 PM
Granted. It is raining strawberry ice cream the one flavor you are allergic to.

I wish I can take a nap without wasting the day.

07-04-2007, 11:10 PM
Granted. You take a nap and fall into such a deep sleep that you don't notice the vicious Rottweiler who sneaks up on you and rips your head off. But hey! The day wasn't wasted, at least not for the Rottweiler.

I wish that my dog would learn to take himself for a walk.

07-04-2007, 11:13 PM
Granted. However, don't be surprised when he's the one walking you on the leash!

I wish Woof would write me a poem like the one he just posted!

07-05-2007, 01:00 AM

There once was a girl called DeborahM
Who only ate daisies including the stem,
One sunny day in the flower bed
She cleared her throat and tossed her head
And covered the garden completely in phlegm.

aren't you sorry you asked ?
.................................................. ..................

I wish that I could write like Shakespeare.

07-05-2007, 01:07 AM
granted and so do I...

I wish I could meet Colin Firth.

Thanks for the poem, Woof...too cute!

07-05-2007, 01:23 AM
most welcome :)

Granted. You meet Colin Firth, he falls madly in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and lay all his riches at your feet. Oh, did I forget to mention that the Colin Firth I'm referring to is a sanitation engineer from Hoboken, New Jersey? Sure he's a little on the obese side and could smell a bit more fragrant, but he sure loves cats!

I wish that I could eat nothing but chocolate.

07-05-2007, 05:00 PM

Unfortunately the world's entire chocolate supply has been stolen by aliens, so you die a slow and painful death from starvation after about a month.

I wish I could read people's minds

07-05-2007, 10:00 PM
Granted. It works out great, you get a promtion at work only to find out that your unattractive desperate boss only promted you so she could sleep with you. Then your hear your wife's thoughts about how good her date was the night before. After less than a week of hearing each and every petty annoying thought of everyone around you, you go crazy and are committed to the assylum, jobless and divorced.

I wish I had more money than I could spend.

07-05-2007, 11:55 PM
Granted. You now have a hundred billion trillion dollars and are the richest person in the universe. You are even richer than God. Of course, there are people who stay away from you because they're seething with envy, and others who are total phonies who only hang around because of your money, not because they either love or respect you. You are not only the richest person in the cosmos, but also the loneliest. In the end, you loathe life so much that you commit suicide. But you have the most lavish funeral in all history.

I wish that the world would come to its senses and stop fighting and going to war.

07-06-2007, 11:44 PM
Granted. But all the billions of dollars currently being spent on military build up and technology will now be spent on education, health and reducing the pollution we are putting in to our air. Oh wait... isn't it supposed to have a bad outcome? Oh well, your wish deserves to be granted nicely!

I wish that I could breathe clean air.

07-06-2007, 11:51 PM
Granted. You and you alone are able to breathe clean air. Everybody else still has to breathe the same rotten polluted air, and when people find out that you are a source of fresh oxygen, they line up to suck out all the air out of your lungs. It takes only a short while before your lungs are ripped out of your chest and you die of asphyxiation.

I wish I didn't have such an evil imagination.

07-07-2007, 02:36 AM
Granted. You have a sweet and innocent imagination - and are forever doomed to write stories about fluffy kittens and 'ickle bunny wabbits.

Unfortunately this market is already stuffed to over-flowing, so you starve to death in a garret and your emaciated corpse is eaten by rats.

I wish my beloved would stop kippering me with his fag smoke.

07-07-2007, 04:21 AM
Granted: He replaced the fag smoke with farts.

I wish someone would change my doorknobs for me.

07-09-2007, 02:02 AM
Granted: you have just disobeyed the child labor laws and are now paying 7000 dollars to have a 31/2 year old kid to change your doorknobs and the FBI knows about it and is now on their way to your house.

I wish i my best friend was here right now.

07-09-2007, 07:28 AM
Your best friend is Charlie Manson.

I wish I had a time machine.

07-09-2007, 08:14 AM
Granted. It is stuck on the setting for the Stone Age. Have fun, we'll miss you here at AW.

I wish I had infinite knowledge.

07-10-2007, 02:43 AM
Granted. Unfortunately you have a finite head. What's that lumpy grey stuff splattered over the wall-paper?

I wish there was buried treasure in the back garden.

07-10-2007, 02:48 AM
Granted. It is however buried under a patch of unexploded mines from World War II.

I wish I owned the Kentucky Derby winner.

07-10-2007, 03:01 AM
Granted. And horse meat is so much better for you. You want fries with that?

I wish I was at the beach.

07-10-2007, 04:10 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it's a beach full of cigarette butts, used condoms, broken styrofoam cups, used syringes and every other piece of disgusting litter people like to dispose of. Have fun. Make sure you bring a couple hundred garbage bags for the beach clean-up.

I wish for infinite happiness.

07-10-2007, 05:15 AM
Granted: You are happy in sickness and wakes that no one likes you now because of your happy state during everyone’s tragedies.

I wish to drop another size in weight.

07-10-2007, 05:21 AM
Granted. You are now three feet tall, and you have only one arm.

I wish the new James Bond films were as good as the early ones.

07-10-2007, 05:26 AM
Unfortunately you can only see them in Tunguska, Siberia.

I wish I could buy up the local Barnes and Noble, complete with its merchandise, and move in.

07-10-2007, 03:54 PM
Granted. However, due to a typographical error on the sales contract, you end up owning your local Barns and Stable, a bookstore that sells a variety of instruction manuals including ones on birthing hogs and operating tractors.

I wish that I was able to levitate.

07-10-2007, 05:30 PM
You levitate up and then discover there is no going down. You levitate all the way to Jupiter where its gravity catches you and pulls you down.

07-10-2007, 05:38 PM
no wish? Well, then your signature hope will have to suffice:

Granted. You are in a slush pile. In fact you are in a slushie, and are consumed by a pimply adolescent and you spend the rest of your natural life listening to vile music, thinking immature thoughts and feeling self-conscious.

I wish that I were an enlightened guru.

07-10-2007, 07:19 PM
However, you are so enlightened that the other gurus are jealous enough of you and your purity to take out a contract on your life with the best hit man all their pooled money can buy.

I wish I had a house big enough for all our books.

07-10-2007, 11:05 PM
And so you are, in fact, enlightened.

It's not a very bright light, though, about 10 watts.

But we shall set you on a pedestal in the downstairs bathroom.

And now you get to watch Auntie Agatha go pee.

(Some things you just don't want to know.)

I wish I had a Whataburger. (Something for the Texans in the house.)

07-10-2007, 11:15 PM
Granted - you have (or rather, had, a Whataburger) Sadly, while you sat down to enjoy said tastey, you were rudely interrupted by an attack of the nasty, yet very Texanesque WereDog. Yes, he got your Whataburger, but doctors say they can reattach your nose and at least three of your fingers.

I wish I could dial down the outdoor weather to a temperature more to my liking.

07-10-2007, 11:31 PM

Unfortunately it doesn't happen until the next Ice Age.
I wish that my current W.I.P. wins the Hugo Award.

07-10-2007, 11:38 PM

unfortunately hugo is a paranoid schizophrenic who has just slipped out of his padded room at the local asylum.

i wish my school would not start up until october--s6

07-11-2007, 12:33 AM
granted. Last October. Holy crap are you late.

Wish I had as much written on my WIP today as I do on this silly site.

07-11-2007, 05:42 AM
However, when you look back through it you discover that your cat has chosen to be your co-writer. It takes several hours to remove her contributions.
I wish I had my own spaceship.

07-11-2007, 05:49 AM
granted. unfortunately it is wery, wery small. you are buzzing around a new planet. you buzz right through an open window into a giant kitchen, where agnes moorehead is baking an apple pie!

i wish everyone was old enough to remember this episode of the twilight zone--s6

07-11-2007, 06:09 AM
granted: everyone is now so old they remember the episode but die tommorow leaving you alone in the world.

i wish my dog would eat my homework.

07-11-2007, 06:59 AM
granted. your perro DID eat your homework. now shakeysix, your blackhearted spanish teacher, has forced your dog to regurgitate your verbs and you are re-conjugating your reconstituted spanish verbs! in the subjunctive! Ja Ja Ja, she chortles evilly.

i wish i could be the only fifty year old van morrison groupie--s6

07-11-2007, 07:40 AM
However, with you the only surviving fan it just isn't possible for record companies to make a profit off van morrison and they quit selling the albums.

I wish for a magic sleep potion.

07-11-2007, 08:04 AM
granted--van morrison is going to sing you to sleep: "SHEEEZ AS SU-WEET AZ TOOPELO HONEYYYYYY"

i wish i had jet pilot ejection seats in my classroom- and the control panel on my desk- -s6

07-11-2007, 02:52 PM
Unfortunately this brings the FAA into your classroom. They terminate your teacher's license and you are forced to start an underground school. Your underground school becomes far too popular and the authorities learn about it. You began a desperate flight to Mexico. Along the way you have many hair-raising adventures but after you safely reach Mexico you turn the adventures into a bestselling book.
I wish for a magic lamp with five wishes.

07-11-2007, 05:00 PM
UNFORTUNATELY you have also been granted a social conscience so all of your wishes will be wasted on the homeless, the jerry springer poor, endangered alligators and rats, organized religion at its worst and world leaders. So sad!

I am leaving on vacation--hope my depends make it all the to florida--s6

07-11-2007, 05:26 PM

Unfortunately the airline loses all the rest of your luggage and you must bribe acquaintances there to buy you an ill-fitting outfit just so you can buy ones that do.
I wish there would be a Triple Crown winner next year.

07-16-2007, 08:47 PM

Sadly you will be afflicted with amnesia the day before and have no understanding of it when it occurs.

I wish for the ability to grant wishes for people.

07-16-2007, 09:01 PM
remember that Jesus had that ability and people mobbed him, asking for constant selfish favors.

i wish that van morrison would have car trouble on isolated kansas highway 50, in front of my house. i would help him park his car in the cow pasture and then walk him to my house to call the local sherriff,. i would pour him a cold glass of Coors Lite and pick up the phone,only see, there would be some sort of spark that crossed from his eyes to mine...

07-16-2007, 09:12 PM
remember that Jesus had that ability and people mobbed him, asking for constant selfish favors.

selfish. hmmm... what was your wish again. Ah yes...

Unfortunately you are so star struck that you lose the ability to speak and become a mumbling fool. He gives you a few autographs and thanks you for you kindness as he gets in to the limo his manager sends for him. Your opportunity is lost...

I wish I would have a daughter. I love my sons, but I would love to have a daughter too...

Jersey Chick
07-16-2007, 09:34 PM

Only you are going to have a daughter who behaves exactly the way you did when you were that age. Only worse. And mouthier.

I wish I could go back to Ireland, to spend a year there writing. Preferably in an old castle.

07-17-2007, 12:16 AM
However the castle is a dangerous unsafe ruin with no running water, air conditioning or heat.
I wish I had more control over my characters.

07-17-2007, 05:59 AM
I wish Komnena had a wish so I could grant it.

07-17-2007, 02:01 PM
Granted. I wish to be smart enough to never again post anything after a four-hour losing battle with my characters.

07-17-2007, 02:02 PM
Granted. You've been banned.

I wish someone would wash my car (hey, I don't want much).

07-17-2007, 06:17 PM
Granted. An elephant walks over to your car and lifts his leg. Well it got wet, didn't it?

I wish that a whole day would go by without worrying about something.

07-17-2007, 06:25 PM
Granted. You might have at least given some passing thought to the way that moldy sandwich of yours smelled, though. And that old milk--jeez!

I wish laziness was a highly compensated virtue, limited to we existing, founding fathers of the laziness guild.

07-17-2007, 06:38 PM
Granted. Lazineness is revered above all other virtues, and as tribute, all the founding fathers and members of the laziness guild are compensated with generous pensions for life. Unfortunately, they are so lazy that they can't be bothered to lift a fork to eat or raise a finger to summon a servant to feed them. They die of starvation, and their bodies rot because everybody else is too lazy to bury or cremate them.

I wish that there was a Nobel prize category for being a smartass.

07-17-2007, 09:15 PM
granted. Sadly, the winner has to give up a million dollars to Nobel. Too bad. There go the royalties you were expecting for the next few decades.

I wish for one day I could understand the motivations of other people.

07-17-2007, 09:16 PM
The award is your very own donkey which tears up your yard and for fun kicks dents in your nice new Ferrari.
I wish I had a magic lamp.

07-18-2007, 01:46 AM
Granted. This beautiful lamp spouts cat poop all day long, day in and day out once you rub it. Of course, you probably won't learn about it until you rub it, and make sure you do it in open spaces, otherwise your liable to be suffocated in a room full of cat poop.

I wish I would have asked her.

07-18-2007, 06:33 AM
Granted: You asked her to go on a date and she accepted. Little did you know she brought her brother along in case she didn’t like you.

I wish I was leaving for vacation tomorrow.

07-18-2007, 07:10 AM
Unfortunately you're going to McMurdo Base in Antarctica.
I wish I had a Duesenberg.

07-18-2007, 03:18 PM
Granted. Since you didn't specify that you wanted a Duesenberg automobile, you are now a proud owner of a Duesenberg sandwich, invented by Manny Duesenberg in 1929. A Duesenberg sandwich consists of liverwurst, herring and old limburger cheese fermented in horse dung. Bon appetit!

I wish that mosquitoes would cease to exist.

07-18-2007, 04:33 PM
What takes their place is the invasion of tsetse flies.
I wish i owned one of each model horse ever made.

07-18-2007, 10:18 PM
Granted. You now own every model horse ever made, including a model Trojan horse filled with tiny Greek warriors brandishing miniature swords and spears who stream out of the horse, then run up your legs and stab you a thousand times until you die.

I wish that I could teach my dog to talk.

07-18-2007, 11:38 PM
Granted, but now you've got to teach him not to use so many cuss words.

I wish I felt inspired to write instead of being laden down with this sleepy fuzziness

07-19-2007, 01:34 AM
At first your writing is brilliant. Then insomnia drives down your quality until only PA wants your writing.
I wish I could write as well as Rosemary Sutcliff.

07-19-2007, 01:37 AM
Granted. You are world's better at writing than Rosemary Sutcliff who is presently 2 years old and lives at home with her parents. Currently she is still learning her ABC's...

I wish I could fast forward time about 1 month.

07-19-2007, 01:49 AM
Granted. You are 1 month ahead of time, but in your absence during that time, you have been declared dead and you inconveniently appear at your own funeral and your friends and family all are scared of you.

I wish I had a brand new computer.

07-19-2007, 03:53 AM
Granted. Unfortunately it is a Commodore 64 replica accurate to every detail.
I wish to find the TV remote.

07-19-2007, 03:59 AM
just one weeeee problem. your remote has been gobbled by sancho, your neighbor's doberman. the good news is that sancho has been eating grass for the past hour and is now all set to return your remote to your doorstep. watch that step! --s6

i wish my brother-in-law would return to deep space.

07-19-2007, 07:12 AM
Granted. He takes with him everything he has ever borrowed from you and you never see your favorite albums or tools again.
I wish to visit Paris.

07-19-2007, 07:32 AM
You can find Paris at her mama and daddy's mansion-house, or maybe in her lawyer's office, or passed out on the floor of some oh-so-hot hotspot. She was a lot easier to catch up with when she was in the big house, too bad you didn't want to visit then.

I wish that I could control the time-space continuum

07-19-2007, 09:07 AM
is yours. though why you want to go to a never ending formal dance, in pinchy shoes and a padded bra, to dance and cavort with a horny busload of space aliens and ancient ancestors i have no idea...oh--did you mean the space time continuum?? so sorry! better bone up on your alpha centauri foxtrot--s6

i wish rice krispy treats were on the weight watchers healthy choices list--s6

07-19-2007, 09:45 AM
Oh but they are! The all-new, lab-created, sugar-free, fat-free, calorie-free Rice Krispy Treat was just produced by Halliburton for covert military use only. There is absolutely nothing natural about them and they have a shelf life of 2.3 million years.

I wish I could make a living from being brash and sassy.

07-19-2007, 05:52 PM
gonna have to pass on those tasty haliburton krispies. and as for your brash and sassy wish? well, yes and no on that one. you see, no one in OUR age group will ever get rich for being brash and sassy. just not socially acceptable for us older folk. BUT if you watch any tv at all you will realize that brash and sassy is all the thing for the younger gen. so i am granting that one of your offsprung yungun's is so fresh, so brash, so dadblamed endearingly smartmouthed that he/she becomes the next tv child star! which kid? your choice. and always remember to spend those earnings as fast as you can on beemers and exotic pool parties. no sense having anything in the bank when junior's same sex partner convinces him to turn on you publicly, and sue you for mismanaging his money--s6

07-19-2007, 06:10 PM
forgot my own wish---i am leaving for chicago for a short vacation tonight. i will see two of my college roomies. we are going to help my friend's mother get her garden ready for a garden walk. a pleasant time for three grammy type ladies BUT booooring! i wish this vacation could be like the old days--flirting with the anti-war activists in grant park. stringing love beads by the picasso. old town would be an aboretum of exotic herbage again. one could buy a simple bong without having the fbi follow her home. we could hitch hike all over town and not get our heads cut off--something simple like that---s6

07-19-2007, 06:24 PM
Presto. The anti-war activists are now in their 60s and 70s, hairless at the front with wispy ponytials hanging down the back of their heads, toothless, and paunchy. On the other hand, they're delighted to flirt with you. The love beads are easy to string, as long as you use one of those magnifying glasses, and the bongs turn out to really be Kongs, those rubber toys you stuff with peanut butter to keep your dog happy.

I wish I could get rid of my allergies.

07-19-2007, 10:22 PM
Poof, by snorting drano, you no longer have allergies. Or nostril hair. Or sinuses, or a nose, for that matter. Actually, you look like some gopher just dug a hole in your face.

I wish I didn't have that burrito for lunch.

07-19-2007, 11:03 PM
I wish I didn't have that burrito for lunch.

Wish granted - you had an entirely different burrito for lunch.

I wish I could attain world domination.

07-19-2007, 11:46 PM
Granted. The world in question is a tiny dot on the edge of the galaxy, inhabited entirely by jellyfish.

I wish I had a nice box of chocolates.

07-20-2007, 12:37 AM
Granted. The world in question is a tiny dot on the edge of the galaxy, inhabited entirely by jellyfish.

I wish I had a nice box of chocolates.

Wish granted. Special delivery from the edge of the galaxy, our sole export...chocolate covered jellyfish...in a very nice box.

I wish I had a wish to divulge.

The Lady
07-20-2007, 05:01 AM
Granted. We dug deep into your brain and found in its deepest recesses a wish for a small kitten to call your own. The kitten is now on its way. Unfortunately, in performing the brain probe we destroyed your brain tissue past hope of recovery, so now you are not even half as smart as that kitty you're getting. And we picked out the stupid one specially.

I wish I could stop being indecisive.

07-20-2007, 10:56 AM
Granted, you didn't think twice about committing suicide when your favourite TV show was cancelled.

I wish I had a banana.

Ruth Barringham
07-20-2007, 11:10 AM
Granted. You can pick one off the tree anytime you like, but it will probably be weeks before they find you in the deepest part of the unknown jungle so you may get sick of the sight of bananas as you munch your way through them all.

I wish I could write faster.

07-20-2007, 04:11 PM
Granted. You now write at the speed of light. An example of your text:




There was no guarantee that it would make sense, however. Nobody understands your writing, except a three-eyed linguistics professor from planet Mylar who specializes in alien languages. He has interpreted your words to be a passionate declaration of love and will soon be flying to Earth to claim his bride.

I wish that I could sprout feathers and fly.

07-20-2007, 10:27 PM

You fly into Colonel Sanders mansion and two days later KFC is sporting a brand new Woof Special on its menu.

I wish I could speak every human language

07-21-2007, 02:20 AM
Granted. You speak every language on Earth. Pretty soon word gets around about your linguistic genius and you are called upon to settle conflicts between warring parties who speak different languages and don't understand each other. The next thing you know, you are the peacemaker of the world and wars begin to diminish. Then one day while you are trying to settle a dispute between an Asian man who thought he was saying " I wish to buy your goat" in poor Swahili to a Tanzanian farmer but was actually saying "I wish to have rough sex with your mother", you step in between the two men and try to point out the error when you are unfortunately hacked to death by the farmer who intended to kill the other man instead. Shit happens.

I wish that I could read people's minds.

The Lady
07-21-2007, 05:01 PM
Granted, you are able to read people's mind but you discover to your dismay that not one person is thinking of you, not even your loved ones, not even Inked when you stand in front of her, naked and waving. You discover a side effect of being able to read minds is that you are not in any of them. You go off in search of a genie to unwish your wish and are never heard of again.

I wish I could think of a fool proof wish that had no way of turning out badly.

07-22-2007, 12:48 AM
Granted. You think of a fool proof wish that has no way of turning out badly. Unfortunately for you, someone who is able to read minds telepathically picks up your perfect wish--which can only be wished once, and wishes it for himself before you have a chance to wish it. From that point on the best you can ever wish for is that your mashed potatoes won't turn out lumpy.

I wish that I was inspired to write a brilliant novel.

07-22-2007, 10:13 PM
Granted: You write a brilliant novel, but the world has come to an end.

I wish someone would go shopping for me.

07-23-2007, 02:48 AM
Granted. Here's that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that you wanted. Have fun!

I wish every woman found me irresistible

The Lady
07-23-2007, 02:53 AM
Granted, but you get kidnapped and held hostage by the first woman who sees you in your newly irresistible state, a triple chinned, 98 year old with a flatulence problem, who straps leather restraints on you and guards you zealously with a loaded shotgun while she waits for the Viagra to kick in.

I wish I could get out of bed at a reasonable hour in the morning.

07-23-2007, 07:24 AM
OK, You got it. Granted. Of course it's a reasonable hour of the morning in Brigadoon. It's been a hundred years. Everyone you've ever known is gone, and the only fast food place to survive is a midwest American burger joint that specializes in tablespoon sized grease burgers and cold fries. (Everyone thought they were royalty. Must have been the name -- White Castle.) ON the other hand... you look positively svelte, no matter who you are standing by.

Actually, I think I made myself hungry. I wish I had a hamburger about now.

07-23-2007, 10:27 PM
Granted. Unfortunately the cow it was made from had mad cow disease.
I wish I could visit the space station.

07-23-2007, 10:39 PM
Granted. Since you didn't say which one, it shall be Skylab, bits of which are strewn across the frozen tundra in Saskatchewan. At least, it MAY be bits of Skylab....then again, it may just be garbage that didn't make it to the landfill. Oh well, at least it's July up there!

I wish I was a mindreader. (And of PEOPLE, not of cats or something else!)

07-23-2007, 10:45 PM
Granted. But the only minds you can read are of obsessive-compulsive people and you constantly hear "Did I lock the front door? Did I lock the front door? I wonder if I locked the front door?"

I wish someone the next poster will have something really funny to say.

07-23-2007, 10:52 PM
Granted. "In the Rational Method of determining what size to make a drainage culvert, it is a little known coincidence that the Q factor of the watershed quantity, measured in acre-inches-per-hour is almost exactly (well, 1.008, rather than 1.000) the same as cubic-feet-per-second. And THAT is how 'Rational Method' got its name! Not because it's a 'ratio' of any kind! This would be an inside joke among civil engineers."

I wish more folks were just like me.

07-23-2007, 10:56 PM
Granted. But then they'd go around telling inside jokes that you don't get and therefore do not find funny. ;)

I wish I could think of a really good wish.

07-23-2007, 10:58 PM
Granted. But because so many people are now like you, you are no longer special. People now find you boring and don't waste their time talking to you.(Here's a tissue...)

I wish we would get some rain here in Southern California.

07-23-2007, 11:05 PM
(We got a little bit of rain last night!)

Granted, but, as usual, we southern Californians panic and forget how to drive when it rains and an uninsured driver smashes into your car, causing you to report it to your insurance company and your monthly payments go up by a hundred dollars.

I wish I could get away from the computer long enough to take a shower.

07-23-2007, 11:14 PM
granted. You finally figure out you need to shower BEFORE you turn on your computer. But you miss the person handing out millions of $$$ because you took too long in the shower!

I wish there were no such things as "bills".

07-23-2007, 11:24 PM
Granted. You get away from your computer long enough to take a shower, but when you return, you discover your webcam is on and that your mouse is having cyber sex with another mouse that he met in a chat room. In a rage, you disconnect your mouse, throw him in the garbage and replace him with another, more wholesome mouse. That solves one problem, but doesn't stop the barrage of emails you receive from a mouse who calls herself 'PullMyTail18' and the photo attachments of her in various disgusting and unspeakable poses.

I wish that I could be a zombie for 24 hours just to see what the experience would be like.

07-23-2007, 11:27 PM
Granted but you find that you like eating people and continue to do so even after your 24 zombie hours are up.

I wish I would stop growing body hair so that I wouldn't have to shave my legs and various other regions of my body every other day.

07-23-2007, 11:33 PM
Granted. You no longer grow hair, but you grow feathers instead. Happy plucking!

I wish that I had a robot to serve my every need.

07-23-2007, 11:36 PM
Granted. But you become obsessed with buying more and more robots. Before long you have accumulated a few dozen...hmmm...they develop intelligence and start a mutiny.

I wish I could be in two places at one time.