View Full Version : Your wish is granted...

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01-12-2007, 07:58 PM
Granted. But afterwards they'll need to use your bathroom. Unfortunately, gnomes are, uh, smelly. And messy.

I wish I didn't have to take my car in to be inspected today in order to buy new tags (always a fun way to spend part of your afternoon).

01-12-2007, 08:12 PM
Granted. You only have to have the tags inspected before you put them on your car. But you have to have a tag inspection license first. To get that you have to have 43 uncomfortable and invasive tests in a public clinic. There are no appointments. You have to ques up withthe other 60,000 people at 3 am and hope one of the three doctors shows up and is sober enough to get to you.

I wish I could have another piece of lemon cake.

01-12-2007, 08:53 PM
Granted. I think I have some lemon cake in the fridge that was leftover from a wedding last May. You can have it all.

I wish it was going to be sunny and warm where I am this weekend.

01-12-2007, 10:04 PM
Granted ! Remember to send me a postcard from hell when you get unpacked.

I wish people would stop inventing new all-in-one technology that makes you have to toss out last year's all-in-one technology because it failed to include that "one" thing this new year model has.

01-13-2007, 03:52 AM
Granted. They've finally managed to make one that fits in every last thing anyone would ever need. Unfortunately it's so big you need to buy a hangar to keep it in.

I wish I could hibernate until March.

01-13-2007, 04:13 AM
Sure. Too bad that was a drill instructor who just moved in next door. Now, march!

I wish nonsense was universally understood.

01-15-2007, 09:27 AM
Granted. And you're the only one who doesn't get it.

I wish my phone line was properly polarized.

01-15-2007, 08:42 PM
Granted. Your phone line is now polarized by the Radical Christian Right, and it will only allow its own particular style of dogma through to your home.

I wish I no longer had to deal with Kyrgyzstan.

01-16-2007, 01:33 AM
Granted, now that the little matter of their civil war has begun, it's likely there won't BE a Kyrgyzstan after the nuclear winter clears up. The bank will still get confused, however, and think you're talking about Kursbekistan - that little nubbin of a country with no Post Office, to the left of the remnants of Kyrgyzstan.

I wish my garage was heated, and plumbed for hot water.

01-16-2007, 02:40 AM
Granted. It has been compulsorarily purchased and turned into a public bath-house.

I wish to wake up tomorrow morning, full of the joys of living - as opposed to feeling half-dead.

01-16-2007, 02:43 AM
Granted. You're Barney. "I love you, you love me . . . "

I wish it was going to be like a spring day tomorrow.

01-16-2007, 05:37 AM
Granted! It's just like spring...on Neptune. Only a bit chilly...

I wish I was making more progress on my resolutions so that I could spend more time on the boards than not. (Gee, it's good to be back!)

01-17-2007, 12:30 AM
Granted! All of your resolutions cipher down to one common denominator: Post on AW more.

You'll never get 10,000 rp's by doing the laundry or going to work. You might get one by bathing...but that is a big 'might.'

I wish I looked like I did at 23, but with better hair, a better smile, better skin tone, better cosmetics, better bras, better shoes, better fashion sense, better car, better boyfriend, better bank account, better house, better job...but other than that...just like I was at 23.....

01-17-2007, 01:30 AM
Granted, it's all good. You've got great hair, a fantastic smile, super skin, the best cosmetics money can buy, a super-hold bra, amazing shoes, much better fashion sense, an amazing car, the boyfriend of your dreams, a bank account that knows no end, a house people envy and a job you love to go to . . . and you're 23 all over again.

You get no respect, your opinions are ignored, the police pull you over every time you're out in that car, your boyfriend is paranoid about all the other heads you're turning and you keep wishing you were 40-something.

I wish every time I watch an exciting DVD, the surround sound didn't fool me into looking over my shoulder or freaking out about something being behind me, making me miss was was just on the screen.

01-17-2007, 01:46 AM
Done. You're now completely and profoundly deaf.

I wish I had a ham sandwich, with a pickle.

01-17-2007, 01:58 AM
Granted. You have to make it yourself, though. Here's a pig, a cucumber seed, a tomato seed, a lettuce seed, dill weed, some wheat seeds and a pack of yeast.

I wish all of the chocolate in the USA would magically appear in Unique's back yard.

01-17-2007, 02:05 AM
Done, on this unseasonably warm, sunny day. What's that smelly ooze?

I wish the next query response was different than the previous twenty.

01-17-2007, 02:41 AM
Granted. It rebounds twice as quickly and, unlike the others, is appallingly rude.

I wish I could spend tomorrow lying in bed instead of running round liked a blued-a*sed fly.

01-17-2007, 02:50 AM
Granted! Enjoy the 24 hour flu!

I wish I had more energy, zip and verve today.

01-17-2007, 10:10 PM
Granted - you're so energized you zip right through your office wall with great verve and enthusiasm. Enjoy traction.

I wish there was a prize inside every bag of kibble I buy for my cats.

01-17-2007, 10:14 PM
For the cats there is . . . the bag. Cats have learned to smell the roses . . .

I wish you could order groceries online and have someone deliver them for free within an hour. Oh, and put them away too.

01-17-2007, 10:57 PM
Granted: The 95-year old woman next door needed a job and they hired her. She struggles to bring your food in the hour, but midway through she collapses.

I wish there was a way to intravenously purify your body with water without having to drink it.

01-17-2007, 11:06 PM
Done. I've swapped the embalming fluid at the funeral home with clean, pure water. No guarantees how it'll make you look during the ceremony, but I guarantee you'll be intravenously purified, and you won't have to drink anything to do it.

I wish there was a way I could visit any moment in time I desire to experience, at any time I desire, for as long as I want to.

01-17-2007, 11:24 PM
Granted! But don't think you can skip out on your mortgage and bills, dude. That evil witch from 17th century York put a hex on you when you broke her heart, so that bill collectors can beam you into whatever time and space your check is due. And NO postdates either!

I wish to perfect The Care Bear Stare.

01-18-2007, 12:08 AM
Granted. After your death, we shall have you stuffed and mounted, and you can stare down the best of them.

I wish the Bill gods would confuse me with Bill Gates, who would them pay my mortgage and utilities without even noticing, leaving me free to run naked through piles of my own money for a change.

Soccer Mom
01-18-2007, 12:46 AM
Granted. You are now running naked through your money. Unfortunately new money is crispy and sharp. You bleed to death from the papercuts. Bill Jr. inherits the money and is careful to always where clothing when communing with cash.

I wish the temperature would get above freezing.

01-18-2007, 12:49 AM
Done. We cruise the rest of this winter with unseasonably warm temperatures, stopping the gulf stream, causing the next...ice age.

I wish there were more holidays.

01-18-2007, 12:55 AM
Done. We cruise the rest of this winter with unseasonably warm temperatures, stopping the gulf stream, causing the next...ice age.

I wish there were more holidays. Granted. Here's Celebrate Your Remaining Limbs Day, which takes place right after Chainsaw Happy Day.

I wish I could cook better.

01-18-2007, 03:19 AM
Granted! you are an expert on cooking dead puppies and kittens. and what's next? your friends....

I wish my boyfriend would wear a jacket when it's freaking cold out.

01-18-2007, 03:24 AM
Granted. It's the same kind of coat George used to wear on Stenfeld.

I wish it wasn't freaking cold out.

01-18-2007, 05:19 AM
Granted: It is freaking hot out and you’re sweating in places you never knew could attract so much water.

I wish I could be a judge on American Idol for a day.

01-18-2007, 06:12 AM
Granted. But all the contestants shriek off-key at the top of their lungs, Simon likes them and by the end of the day, he's phoning his lawyer to sue you for defamation.

Ruth Barringham
01-18-2007, 07:07 AM
Ahem...Judg. What is your next wish?:Shrug:

01-18-2007, 07:42 AM
Duh! I plead sleep deprivation!

I wish that my teenagers would turn into sweet cooperative people who think that I am the font of all wisdom.

Ruth Barringham
01-18-2007, 07:58 AM
Granted. But they will always be with you, night and day, needing answers, answers and more answers, drive you crazy wanting to do everything for you,and it gets worse...they think you're so great that they never want to leave home.

I wish I was more self-disciplined so that I could get twice as much writing done.

01-18-2007, 02:25 PM
Granted. You are now fused to your computer chair, thanks to a nuclear explosion that destroyed every source of enterainment aside from Word Processor.

I wish I weren't so itchy.

01-18-2007, 02:28 PM
Granted. They take you to the dog dip.

I wish it was going to be a beautiful, spring-like day.

01-18-2007, 02:32 PM
Granted. They take you to the dog dip.

I wish it was going to be a beautiful, spring-like day.

Granted. It's a nice sping day with lots of sun. The calm before the storm. Enjoy the weather while you can, soon you will be shredded in mid-air by a metal roof wich is being carried by the terribly strong tornado.

I wish I lost weight.

01-18-2007, 05:09 PM
Your wish is my command. The hoodia plan works out and you drop 30 pounds, but in a strange twist of fate, the bush people in Namibia can no longer count on it to suppress hunger pangs when they can't find food, as the source has all been taken to suppress the appetites of people who have too much food.

I wish for a relaxing holiday with my husband this weekend.

01-18-2007, 05:16 PM
Granted. Your husband spends the whole weekend watching hockey and you have absolutely nothing to do. Brushing your teeth will be the high point of your day.

I wish I knew where the blue bird flew.

01-18-2007, 07:30 PM
Granted - kitty can tell you. It was horrid - the carnage !

I wish I could mute people around me when their annoyingly loud conversations have nothing to do with anything I care about.

01-18-2007, 08:58 PM
Granted! You have a magical eraser that not only mutes them..but erases the orafice from which the annoying converstions come.

However, eating out in public has become very, very, very gross indeed.

I wish my ex would wake up locked in a pharmacy over a three day weekend with a strange man who has been convicted 20 times for giving strangers enemas...

Alternately, I wish this peppermint tea were just a tad warmer...100 degrees f would be quite nice.

01-18-2007, 10:18 PM
Granted ! Oh wait, I'm confused . . . You wanted access to a pharmacy while some strange man gives your ex an enema with peppermint tea at a temperature of 100*F, yes?

Well then, Granted :D

I wish I was sitting at home right now, drilling little holes into perfectly polished stones.

01-18-2007, 11:53 PM
okay, but the stones are also drilling little holes in you. what a wonderful charm you'll make!

i wish my boyfriend was'nt smarter than me, but not a stupid, pathetic, knuckle-headed ding dong either.

Ruth Barringham
01-19-2007, 01:20 AM
Granted. But everytime he has a good idea and you come up with a better one, he says "Doh!". Soon he reminds you so much of Homer Simpson that your hair turns blue and grows very tall.

I wish I had a cook, a housekeeper and a nanny so that I could spend more time doing what I want and less time doing chores.

(Note to TsukiRyoko: You must be a brilliant fiction writer because you have such a wicked imagination.) :scared:

01-19-2007, 01:41 AM
Done. And their paychecks are due tomorrow, aren't they? Now you HAVE to write whatever will pay those bills: telemarketer scripts, Sarbanes-Oxley compliance statements, National Inquirer articles, humor in uniform/all in a day's work....keep writing, and not what you want to write, either!

I wish I had an agent!

01-19-2007, 04:14 AM
Granted! Barbara Bauer just signed you to an iron-clad, lifetime contract. Best of luck and many congrats and all!

I wish my dogs had the brains to stop eating cat poop, cat food, and anything else cat-like.

01-19-2007, 04:21 AM
Granted! Now the dog likes to eat you and your family and puke out your guts. Co-written by Arissons best friend, Wolfy........

I wish Gumby was real, japanese, and had a chainsaw with an orcs head attached to it by a dangling thread of a teradactle's butt, and Gumby would never kill us and he'd snog Pokey.........

01-19-2007, 04:58 AM
Granted - I think. I'm not sure . . . okay, well, Granted - just keep it on your side, okay?

I wish I could turn back time in 4-hour segments, so I could erase all evidence.

01-19-2007, 05:14 AM
Granted. But, by turning back time, you rip a hole in the space time continuum and therefor the crime has been reversed and it's someone else wishing they could turn back time in order to hide YOUR body.

I wish my shoes fit.

Ruth Barringham
01-19-2007, 05:40 AM
Granted. But now you have really tiny, narrow feet that are of little use to you and so you keep falling over on your face.

I wish I had a wind-up key in my back so I could make myself go faster over all the things I don't like to do.

01-19-2007, 05:44 AM
Granted. It works well for the first few times, but then begins to twist your spinal cord and you end up dying a horribly painful, ugly, morbid death after your spine is completely ripped from you, leaving you partially disemboweled.

I wish my hair was straighter.

Ruth Barringham
01-19-2007, 05:50 AM
Granted. Your now have hair resembling tubular wind chimes which continually collide with each other whenever you move making a melodious, yet mind disturbing sound. Soon they've driven you completely insane with the noise and constantly clanging against your skull. Eventually you suffocate to death after having to sleep on your face because you're head is too lumpy to lay on your back.

I wish I could get more sleep without having to stay in bed longer.

01-19-2007, 06:16 AM
Granted. You have a one of a kidn disease where you only fall asleep when looking down from dangerous heights. I'm sure you can guess the conclusion from here.

I wish I could play guitar

Ruth Barringham
01-19-2007, 08:18 AM
Granted. But after several hours of non-stop playing, your finger tips are reduced to bloody pulps. You then wish you couldn't play the guitar - and it stops. If only you'd made that wish sooner....

I wish all the kookaburras would stop laughing right outside my bedroom window at 4.30 every morning. (Damn are they loud!)

01-19-2007, 02:41 PM
Granted. Time for a kookaburra cook-out! Hmmmm . . . tastes just like chicken . . . only chewier.

I wish I didn't have to go to the grocery store every week.

01-19-2007, 06:13 PM
Granted, you now go to Forbidden Fruit every week.

I wish Jaycinth would riverdance with storm troopers.

01-19-2007, 07:39 PM
Granted - haven't you seen the video ? It's on Youtube :D

I wish hitting the horn in the car would reset the entire day like a video game.

01-19-2007, 08:27 PM
Granted. Now you can never get out of the driveway, courtesy of the tailgater behind you this morning...and his horn.

I wish my ms in various slushpile was made of helium paper and floated to be on top of each pile every morning.

01-20-2007, 12:09 AM
Granted! Of course, it's considered the office entertainment, so no one will ever actually look at it or read it -- they save it to show off to their friends, visitors and co-workers. The UPS man, in particular, is very impressed.

I wish the weather would always be perfect.

01-20-2007, 12:21 AM
Done. The weather of course used to kill billions of bacteria, including the Andromeda Strain. Now we don't dare come out of the walk-in freezer for long.

I wish I had more of the valuable rep points.....

01-20-2007, 02:31 AM
Granted - you now have 1,234,978 negative but very valuable rep points. Are those flames coming off your username? Wow.

I wish I didn't feel like falling asleep every afternoon midway through my drive home.

01-20-2007, 03:50 AM
Granted. You fall asleep before you drive home and are arrested for snoring in public and causing a disturbance of the peace.

I wish it wasn't so wet and windy.

01-20-2007, 08:11 AM
Done. In fact, to save you any future troubles, I've removed the atmosphere from your world entirely.

I wish I had a bit more discipline when it came to staying up too late.

Ruth Barringham
01-20-2007, 10:58 AM
Granted. Now you're so discipined that you stay up way-too-late every night for the rest of your life.

I wish getting up early in the morning didn't make me feel so tired at night.

01-20-2007, 02:25 PM
Granted. You enjoy unbelievable success until your heart explodes just as you are about to obtain the first real recognition of your work. Speed kills.

I wish nicotine and tar were proven beneficial to health.

01-21-2007, 07:19 AM
Granted! but if you like smoking, all the rest of the crap found in cigarettes are still bad for your health, and some of the stuff is fatal.

I wish my friend wasn't afraid of horror movies.

01-22-2007, 03:02 AM
Granted but now your friend won't watch anything but horror movies and you are getting pissed.

I wish I would not have to supply teach tomorrow.

01-22-2007, 03:06 AM
Granted. Just mention that you're developing a crush on little Timmy.

I wish the weekend wasn't almost over.

01-22-2007, 03:17 AM
Granted. It's not almost over, it is completely over. Back to work for us all. I'm heating up the car already.

01-22-2007, 03:30 AM
Janet didn't have wish. Her life must be perfect. Except, well, it's probably 20 degrees below freezing where she is. ;-)

I wish it would be springtime in January. It almost has been where I live.

01-22-2007, 04:19 AM
Actually it's -7C or 19.4 F - absolutely balmy for this time of the year. I forgot to wish, as I was so wrapped up in the knowledge that I will have to work tomorrow after all.

I'll wish it again. I wish I didn't have to work at the day job tomorrow.

01-22-2007, 05:50 AM
I wish it would be springtime in January. It almost has been where I live.
I didn't see that this was granted, so, granted! Enjoy your move to Texas. :D (It was upper 40s & absolutely gorgeous today.)

And, so I'm not skipping turns:

I'll wish it again. I wish I didn't have to work at the day job tomorrow.
Okay -- you're now on the graveyard shift. Coffee IV included as a standard benefit.

Me, I wish my house had no mold or water damage.

Ruth Barringham
01-22-2007, 08:08 AM
Granted. Your house is so dry and cracked it fell down while you were out and now your neighbours are lifting all the rubble trying to find the postman who was just delivering your 3-book deal and huge advance cheque from a large publisher. What a pity that envelope will never be found.

I wish I liked fruit more than chocolate.

01-23-2007, 03:30 AM
Granted. You adore fruit and can't stop eating it. Unfortunately scientists have just discovered it contains more fat and calories than chocolate.

I wish they'd invent an anti-calorie pill.

01-23-2007, 02:54 PM
Granted. It's about the size of a bowling ball. You swallow that baby and then you don't want to eat anything else for quite a while. The only side effect is that it does cause constipation.

I wish Daylight Savings Time started . . . today!

01-23-2007, 05:58 PM
Done. And due to the fact that night is still longer, you'll be driving in the dark both to and from work today. Watch that deer, Alleycat!!!

I wish the words flowed so well from my fingertips the first time, that there was never a need for a rewrite.

01-23-2007, 06:40 PM
Granted. You just pliagerized War and Peace.

I wish it wasn't so cold and snowy today.

01-23-2007, 10:08 PM
Granted ! It's now 105*F in the shade, and raining frogs. They're feeling a bit dried out, so I hope you have plenty of water on hand.

I wish I could know NOW who's going to replace my boss when he retires in March - so I'd know if I should be happy, angry or indifferent without all this speculation.

01-23-2007, 10:10 PM
Granted. It's one of those kids from three summers ago who was too stupid to know what "Non Potable" meant.

I wish I had pie to go with my lunch today.

01-23-2007, 11:12 PM
Granted! You've got a nice big chunky...COWPIE right there next to your sandwich.


I wish I were on a veranda,
overlooking the beach,
at sunset,
in Oahu,
drinking white wine,
getting a foot massage
while Nikolo,
my handsome, talented, rich, greek lover
grills bacon wrapped scallops,
on a cherrywood fire,
in mid September.

01-23-2007, 11:15 PM
Done. Nikolo is talented all right, but he's not interested in your gender--sorry Jaycinth, now everybody within viewing distance thinks you're taken!

I wish my e-mails were always answered within three seconds.

01-24-2007, 12:18 AM
Granted ! Every time you send an email out, it's intercepted and answered almost immediately with offers for Viagra, money-laundry schemes, and a cream that may or may not grow hair where you want it.

I wish I had one of those really cool keyboards that was in two seperate halves, attached to each arm of my office chair, so I could sit back, relax, type in comfort and look like some really hot super-spy chick in the process.

01-24-2007, 01:19 AM
Granted. But now you are also the head of the CIA, so you don't have time to do anything except write cheesy reports and look at yourself in the mirror so you can say: Gee...I look like a super secre spy gal...

Uh ...what are those jerks doing in the Maldives today...there goes lunch!

I wish Nikkolo weren't gay. I wish his brother Rudolpho wasn't either.
And we were all in Oahu......(see above...about 3 posts back. Yeah... that's the one. Wanna come? Rudolpho is not gay.)

01-24-2007, 03:10 AM
Granted: Nikkolo and Rudolpho aren’t gay and ask you to take a trip with them to Oahu. When you arrive, they hand you the luggage and set off to the pool where they choose a Sports Illustrated woman to apply lotion and lock lips.

I wish my mortgage was paid off.

01-24-2007, 03:14 AM
Granted ! Your mortgage was paid in full by Guido, of the Sarducci family. You get to stay there and pay Guido, with interest, but he's gonna be redoing the basement and there's gonna be a lot of cement bein' poured.

I wish I had perfect hair. And while you're at it, can you firm up these boobies?

01-24-2007, 04:39 AM
Granted! In fact, once you've been stuffed and mounted on the pedestal, you won't need to reapply your makeup again, either!

I wish my dog would learn to use the toilet for doing her business.

01-24-2007, 05:25 AM
Done, but now you wish she'd quit going around with toilet paper stuck to her butt.

I wish adjectives would come back into style.

01-24-2007, 01:16 PM
Your super cool wish is happily granted!

I wish Stephen King would ghost write my novel for free.

01-24-2007, 07:37 PM
Granted. In 2063, years after he died, Stephen King shows up on your front porch to ghost write your novel for you. Well...it's more of a 'Zombie' write.

I, on the other hand, wish that Stephen King would team up with Clive Barker and Brian Lumley to write a 6 book 'Lovecraftian' series that would actually, for a change, scare me. (And not by putting care-bears on every page either.)

***disclaimer. I love those authors. But I still think it would take the three of them together to scare me****

01-24-2007, 09:50 PM
Granted - unfortunately the publisher they got for this project LOVES carebears. The Lovecraftian series they write ends up having a Carebear as the hero, fighting evil Carebears from around the world. And as a promotional give-away, there's a set of 5 collectors Carebears handed out with every book purchased.

Oh, did I tell you it's illustrated? Not every page, though - just every OTHER page.

I wish it wasn't so difficult to teach my mother how to use her computer - and I also wish she hadn't just ordered cable internet and a cable modem/router that she'll have no clue how to use. And I'd like to add on a wish that she wouldn't call me for help when all this stuff gets installed.

01-24-2007, 10:19 PM
Granted. Your poor mother will sit there with the cable modem attached to the TV set and wondering why she can't get the Internet on channel 46.

Some daughter you are.

I wish someone would make me a cheesecake.

Ruth Barringham
01-25-2007, 01:41 AM
Granted. But I personally wouldn't enjoy eating a sponge cake with grated cheese in it.

I wish the working week was only 2 days and the weekend was 5 days instead of the other way around.

01-25-2007, 02:32 AM
Granted - but there's not enough week to pay for the weekends. You are now living in a cardboard box under a bridge.

I wish I could think of something witty to wish for.

01-25-2007, 03:32 AM
Granted. You've been given one beautiful mind that is so adorable no one wants to see your face anymore :tongue.

I wish to write the next international best-seller.

01-25-2007, 04:11 AM
Granted. Your recently finished work was book of the month in both Azerbalian and Armainia.

I wish you could read this.


Ruth Barringham
01-25-2007, 05:30 AM
Your wish for nothing is granted - in abundance (because I'm extremely generous).

I wish my finished assignments could post themselves instead of me having to run out to the post office at the end of the day.

01-25-2007, 05:45 AM
Well, mine is the first wish that was not granted. I thought as much. This thread is rigged.

Granted. Through the miracle of modern electronics your assignments automatically become post upon completion. The efficiency of the operation saves you so much time that you can now go to the post office in the morning.

I wish you would highlight my previous post.

Ruth Barringham
01-25-2007, 05:56 AM
Granted. Ha Ha. Very funny. I missed that one didn't I? I've sat here for ages trying to figure out what was going on. As Homer Simpson would say, "Doh!". You sure know how to get the old grey matter working.
Oh, by the way, now your last two wishes are both granted.

I wish I was smarter.

01-25-2007, 05:59 AM
Granted - you're now Stephen Hawkins.

I wish my love was here with me now.

01-25-2007, 09:22 PM
Granted, but he has his arms around another girl :P

I wish I were Angelina Jolie for the rest of the month :)

01-25-2007, 10:35 PM
Granted. You didn't say what time period . . . so you're still married to Billy Bob.

I wish I had cheesecake.

01-25-2007, 10:45 PM
Granted, I'll make you one. You did say you like tofu-cream cheese, yes?

I wish I had something more interesting for lunch today - instead of these eggrolls again.

01-25-2007, 10:51 PM
Granted. Instead of eggrolls, you can have green eggs and spam.

I wish people wouldn't use the office intercom to page for every piddling little reason.

01-25-2007, 11:51 PM
Granted. Now the people in your office just 'piddle' on the intercom.

I wish I had a bright red rubberband to go with the purple, green, and teal blue ones hanging on my monitor.

I wish Midnight Muses Yak would dress like Lucille Ball and go on the Today show and tapdance.

01-26-2007, 12:09 AM
Granted, he's all dressed and ready - we're just working out the details of our contract.

Is the nose ring a bit much?

I wish I could get my Yak better gigs.

01-26-2007, 10:29 AM
Granted! Your Yak becomes an overnight sensation, and leaves you for his personal trainer.

I wish for sleep this weekend.

01-26-2007, 02:44 PM
Granted. Hey, it's Monday! You slept through the entire weekend. Time to get up and go to work!

I wish the grocery fairy would deliver my groceries without me having to go to the store.

01-26-2007, 06:09 PM
Granted. You know they're not too strong though, right? Now if you could just hold the door please Alleycat, here comes the first apple....

I wish I had remembered to put windshield washer fluid in the car.

01-26-2007, 06:11 PM
Granted! You have no idea why you still didn't do it, but you remembered.

((AC, I don't work Monday! HA!)

I wish I didn't have to work tonight, though.

01-26-2007, 11:11 PM
You show up at work just to discover that you and the entire staff is going to go play.

Play 'murder ball' against the "Yukon Angry Flensers". They've never lost.


I wish that you, along with every AW member who has posted 500+ times and critted at least SYW offering would join me on an all expense paid luxury cruise around the world on one of those huge 'Norweigan Cruise Lines' ocean liners, and that we had a few fully armed 'Black Hawk heliocopters' in case those pirates around Somalia get any stupid ideas.
(Huh? Why 'fully armed'? Well...DUHHH... 'Girls just wanna have fun.')

01-26-2007, 11:57 PM
Granted - only our fully armed Black Hawk helicopters scared the beezes out of those poor Norweigan porters and they all jumped ship. Which one of us is taking the helm ?

I wish AW was an actual place, a big island where we all sat around in the sand with our computers posting messages to each other because we were too skittish to just look up and say "Howdee".

01-27-2007, 01:33 AM
Granted. However we are all also too skittish to stand up and walk to the bathroom so, in addition to the sanitation problem...we've all got 'diaper' rash.

I wish that AW were an uber-luxury hotel on the beach of Maui, and that all current members in good standing could not only go there, but always had a room reserved and waiting for them.

And to compound that wish, I wish it were sooooo exclusive that 'The Donald', Rosie, Paris, Tom Arnold, and 99% of the rest of those hollywood celebs just could not get invited, no matter how much money they produce.

alternately, i wish i had a piece of chocolate.

01-30-2007, 01:44 AM
Can't find anything wrong with that wish at all. Granted in full with no drawbacks. You can have some of the chocolate from the fridge too.

I wish for beauty and riches.

01-30-2007, 07:43 AM
Done. You have the face of a beautiful Golden Retriever and several friends called Rich.

I wish I could get a shred of creative energy whipped up so I could work on my novel again

A. Hamilton
01-30-2007, 08:41 AM
Granted. Your shredder goes berserk with a strange energy and you creatively take it apart before discarding -to save trash space. Well done.

I wish my dog would relax and stop barking at everyone.

01-30-2007, 09:17 AM
Granted. He invites strangers into your home now.

I wish I felt like working.

01-30-2007, 09:46 AM
Granted. You feel like it, but . . . perhaps it would be better to wait until tomorrow to actually do it.

I wish TV weather people would stop telling us it's cold. Uh, we kind of know that when it's 15 degs. F.

Ruth Barringham
01-30-2007, 09:53 AM
Granted. They tell you it isn't hot, you believe them, dress for the summer, then go out and then shiver allllllllll the way home.

I wish I could suddenly become a super-charged prolific writer.

01-30-2007, 06:52 PM
Done. And you have just written the words: "The final four volumes of this quarterly report address the detailed audit for compliance with the Sarbanes Oxley Law...." And that "super-charge" you are feeling is static electricity from the fuzzy cubicle walls that seem closer today than they did yesterday....

I wish my writing efforts were truly appreciated by the publishers of the world.

01-30-2007, 08:50 PM
Granted. A copy of one of your manuscripts somehow makes it to a publishers picnic. After the toilet paper roll runs out your MS becomes truly appreciated.

I wish I had a bigger...er...motorcycle. :D

01-31-2007, 08:27 PM
Granted. Your motorcycle is bigger than the one Stuart Little has. Enjoy.

I wish I had a grilled cheese sandwich, a bowl of cream of tomato soup...not so heavy on the cream and puree the tomatoes, and add a spot of black pepper A nice green salad with fresh parmesian and a crispy strip of bacon, and a glass of sparkling limeade, served to me by one of the 2008 crop of Presidential Candidates.

01-31-2007, 09:44 PM
Granted. You do realize that Gary Coleman is running again, right? And he was feeling a little peckish, so he helped himself to some of your sandwich, and soup, and salad, etc

I wish I can get my soulmate before Valentine's day.

01-31-2007, 10:08 PM
Granted. Your soutmate turns out to be Orlando Bloom dressed up as a pirate.

I wish Kira Knightley was my soulmate.

02-01-2007, 12:18 AM
Granted. Too bad she's so skinny, when you both ran to each other in slow-motion for that lasting embrace, a gust of wind came up and knocked her right over - making her face-plant right into that cow pie. Now Orlando Bloom won't even help her up.

I wish Orlando Bloom would come wash my car.

Ruth Barringham
02-01-2007, 02:40 AM
Granted. But he turns up in a wide brimmed tattered hat, a pair of old baggy overalls, does a really bad job, is really p*ssed at you for making him do it and because he's so famous, boy does he charge a king's ransom so now you're broke!

I wish I could be stuck in a Groundhog Day just for a week or two to get more work done in a much shorter time.

02-01-2007, 06:29 PM
Granted. But you really p*ssed off the groundhog who HATES to do those dumb Feb. 2 appearances anyway, so he sulkily and willfully damages your little writing time warp machine. You lose control of the time warp, and since you got more work done during a week in a Groundhog Day, you now must hibernate with that same groundhog AND his rowdy family for 6 weeks longer in order to recover that same amount of work.

I wish my rent would decrease next month.

02-01-2007, 07:02 PM
Granted. It does so due to a revaluation of the dollar against all world currencies. Naturally, your paycheck is similarly reduced.

I wish I had a nice new modern laptop computer.

02-01-2007, 10:18 PM
Granted. Right there on your lap and with all of the new bells and whistles and great software and peripherals. It is ready for you to plug in and get on line.


Daneshi, a rather precocious girl outside of Dubai, has nothing better to do all day than play on her brother's computer. And she is brilliant so her play takes the route of desiging computer viruses. Of course, until now her designs have been so complex that they couldn't infect any of the old-fashioned computers. That is, too complex until YOU went on line.

Have a nice day.

I wish I lived next door to David Spade and that Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy lived across the street.

02-01-2007, 10:24 PM
Your wish is granted. David Spade greets you every morning, with the sound of hes loud stereo from next door. Chris Rock, works on hes garden patch all day and is causing major destruction on your pathway and, well Eddie Murphy follows you home everyday, and is secretly planning your death :D

I wish, my abdominal cramps and back ache were gone

Ruth Barringham
02-02-2007, 12:58 AM
Granted. But you're so deliriously happy to be free of pain that you run out into the street shouting "Yeeha!", get run over by a truck and spend 3 months in hospital in a full body cast.

I wish I had absolutely nothing to do today.

02-02-2007, 01:36 AM
Granted. The lightning strike is, if not painless, at least quick, and while the resulting ceremony may have to be closed-casket, your day has become completely clear of burdensome tasks and errands.

I wish the cookies on my desk would not tempt me to eat them.

02-02-2007, 01:45 AM
Done--they are no longer tempting, being covered with tiny bugs and grubs as they now are. And is that a....oh, gross!

I wish that new Star Trek movie was already released.

02-02-2007, 01:57 AM
Granted -- it was released yesterday on parole. Unfortunately the judge is an anti-Trekkie, so the terms of the parole don't permit public viewing.

I wish mylar balloons were an accepted and convenient form of transportation.

02-02-2007, 08:11 PM
Done! Unfortunately the now-universal demand for mylar has put global mylar supplies in a sadly depleted state, and governments the world over have taken extreme steps to secure the majority of mylar production plants and existing stock for their own devious ends. While black markets have stepped in to provide illicit, second-hand stock, the quality of goods is dangerously random, and the price for even a square inch of the stuff has placed the dream of owning one's own mylar transportation balloon well beyond the reach of all but the wealthiest industrialists.

I wish someone would do my job for me. Just today.

02-02-2007, 09:43 PM
Done, but you are required to swap jobs with that person. Do you have any experience as an Assistant Crack Whore?

I wish all threads I started would be this popular.

02-02-2007, 09:52 PM
Granted. Every one of your threads sparks weeks of heated debate, mostly against you, and sadly, you are banned.

I wish to know the sex of my baby.

02-02-2007, 10:12 PM
Granted. It's a boy.

Or, maybe, a girl. But definitely one of those!

I wish the a-hole in my office (and his own little personal sycophant) would both have the fear of GOD scared into them. Barring that, I'll take a shotgun if anyone has one they're not using.

02-03-2007, 12:52 AM
Granted. And that fear was installed when Bubba Dupree kicked his way into the office with that hand held cannon he calls a shot gun.

That fear was further shot home when he put down the gun and unzipped.

Unfortunately he video taped each and every second of the 37 hour ordeal, and set it to the music of 'Barney', and mailed it to you. Enjoy.

I wish MM could upload that video to the net without getting into trouble.

02-06-2007, 10:12 PM
Granted. I did it ! I did it ! Quick, go see . . it's on UTube at www.u*@(# Whaa? Dang, Homeland Security's little 'bot censor !

I wish I could convince my doctor I'd be better off with a lifetime supply of Valium at my disposal.

02-07-2007, 01:02 AM
Granted. But today Valium was declared a class A narcotic and you can only have a one weeks supply at a time. The DEA has your house surrounded.....

and you can only gaze out of the windows across the acres and acres of primo ganja being grown by your neighbors, which was all made as legal as ripe tomatoes at a country fair, the same day your valium was made illegal.

I wish I had a bale of hay.
(No, really!)

02-07-2007, 01:26 AM
Granted. I'll sent you one of those big round ones for free. You'll only be charged for shipping and handling.

I wish someone would clean my kitchen every day.

02-07-2007, 01:31 AM
Done. Cats have different ideas about just how to clean though...at least everything has been licked completely clean, macroscopically.

I wish I knew what I should start a thread about.

02-07-2007, 10:36 AM
Granted! You start a thread suggesting that everyone on AW send me, JeanneTGC, a crisp dollar bill! Thanks much!

I wish I had already met my submissions goals for this year.

02-07-2007, 10:08 PM
Granted. Though a submission goal of zero isn't gonna get you that big book deal very quickly !

I wish Earth had 5 moons and the tidal forces ripped the planet into five segments, each with it's own society, social structure and economic base.

02-07-2007, 10:10 PM
Granted. Or . . . you could just go to India.

I wish I had dessert to go with my lunch.

David McAfee
02-07-2007, 10:17 PM
Granted. You will have a nice dessert to go with your lunch on April 17th, 2048.

I wish I knew what to say in any given situation.

02-07-2007, 10:22 PM
Granted! You are now the New Great Communicator! Your skills race you to the top of the heap! Unfortunately, they make you a target for everyone else who isn't as good at communications as you are. Pity that one of them is a really good shot...

I wish I didn't always see the potential bad outcomes to every situation.

02-07-2007, 10:26 PM
Granted. Here's your rose-colored glasses. Don't bump into anything.

I wish I had a piece of chocolate cake.

02-07-2007, 10:32 PM
Done. Don't mind the fuzzy bits, it's only a few years old or so.

I wish all my meetings today would go away so I could leave work early.

02-07-2007, 10:40 PM
Granted! All your meetings are cancelled...because you have just been terminated. Pity, hope the resume's up to snuff.

I wish I would land the perfect agent for my book this week.

02-07-2007, 11:28 PM
Granted. And he lands with a big messy splat in your driveway.

I wish the aliens would stop watching me and go bother someone a hundred miles away.

02-07-2007, 11:36 PM
granted -- they were trying to warn you not to answer your doorbell....wait, wait!!! ...well, i hope you enjoy being covered in sludge...

i wish i had the clarity to write a page tonight.

David McAfee
02-08-2007, 12:12 AM
Granted. Tonight you will type a page of nothing but the letter Z.

I wish the voices in my head would stop making sense and start sounding like gibberish like every other respectable socipath.

02-08-2007, 12:26 AM
grantedzzz. youzzz arezzz makingzzz no zenzzzz of any ofzzz it... and go to zzzzleep...

i wizzzz i would reach znirvanazzzzz

02-08-2007, 12:27 AM
Granted. The voices in your head are now Publish America employees.

I wish I could get home tonight and find dinner already made.

02-08-2007, 12:32 AM
Granted. Just swing through the Wendy's drive-thru on your way home and you're all set. Hmm, hmm . . . that's good eatin'.

I wish I had a chocolate cupcake to stuff down a certain young woman's throat so she'd shut up about wanting one.

02-08-2007, 12:33 AM
Granted. Made out of kitty cat 'tootsie treats'.
I wish I owned the third largest publishing company in the world, AND had fries to go with it!

02-08-2007, 12:40 AM
"Yellow Pages, Jaycinth speaking...wait a moment, will you?" (hurriedly finishes fries...)

I wish I had a foolproof wish

02-08-2007, 09:27 AM
Granted! Your foolproof wish is: I wish for nothing to be altered from what it was going to be, ever. Enjoy!

I wish the genies let you wish for more wishes.

02-08-2007, 06:44 PM
Done, but since this one is granted specifically to me, everyone else has to wait indefinitely while I can take my sweet time deciding for what to wish....hmmmm....I wish I knew what to wish for--WAIT, NO! (D'oh!)

02-08-2007, 11:49 PM
granted - you know what to wish for, but can't get yourself to say it out loud (can you!)... bye-bye genies!

i wish i had a rich dark creamy molten hot chocolate with rum and hazelnuts on my table right now... mmmmmmmmmm!!!

02-09-2007, 12:25 AM
Done--and you forgot to mention a mug to hold it all. You can add "Wrestles with hot, sticky messes on the table" to your avatar resume now, Angelinity!

I wish I had a bag of peanut M&Ms.

02-09-2007, 12:34 AM
(argh! them darn details....)

here ya go - 1 ton bag of peanut m&ms expired in 1976... hulla hoop skirt, anyone?

i wish for that yummy hot chocolate in a nice big ceramic mug with a lid which opens easily -- and the mug ain't cracked, either... hah!

02-09-2007, 12:44 AM
Granted. I used my grandfather's old shaving mug. Has a nice, tight lid . . . that way the shaving soap wouldn't dry out. Ignore any hairs you happen to see. enjoy!

I wish I could knock off work early.

02-09-2007, 12:51 AM
Done....you can see the look your cat is giving you, being home early like this though, right? There'll be some extra surprises for you to clean up around the house until you get back to your regular schedule.

I wish I was content at work.

02-09-2007, 12:54 AM
Granted! You fall into a contented sleep... when you wake up, a note saying "you're fired" is taped to your forehead... oops.

I wish not to get morning sick!

02-09-2007, 12:55 AM
granted -- you are indeed full of content. meaningful content, at that -- only it means different things to different people... content?

I wish I also had a shot of tequilla with lime - hold the salt

02-09-2007, 02:28 AM
Wildscribe -- granted! You now get afternoon, evening and night sick! whoo hoo, get some extra bags and paper towels.

Angelinity -- granted! Here's your shot...we held the lime and put the tequila in a large bullet casing. Duck! Oh...too late...well, hopefully you'll heal quickly.

I wish that Jaycinth will be a kind and loving co-mod over in the Humor Forum. :D

02-09-2007, 11:34 AM
granted - kind, loving co-mod... kinda soft, actually... too soft -- she's sooo easy on you guys and you all love her but....but... where's the humor gone?? argh!! now you're all begging for that sharp wit again, aren't ya!

wish i could smack that finicky client across the head with his impractical chair concept design.... can't he see people will just tip over in it?? duma$$!!

02-09-2007, 06:44 PM
Done, and in doing that, you, Angelinity become the first person to ever smack The Donald. So now you're suspended? Nay. On administrative leave to cool off? You wish. Does it rhyme with 'tired?' Bingo.

I wish I had the right powerball numbers this time (and ONLY me).

02-09-2007, 08:00 PM

...and then you wash up on an island. An old fat guy is happy to see you.

I wish the restaurant will get it right, and not dump any of that foul honey-mustard-balsamic-vinegrette on my salad today.

02-09-2007, 08:28 PM
Granted. Today they're gonna smother your lovely salad with fish oils, that Olaf accidentally poured into the vinegrette bottle last night after his drunken bachelor party. Do yourself a favor - do NOT order the cheese omelette!!!!

I wish it was lighter later, so when I get home tonight I'd feel more like going to the rock club meeting at 7:30 instead of curling up on the couch with a bunch of DVD's and vegging for the rest of the evening.

02-09-2007, 09:57 PM
granted -- light-lighter-lightest.... soooo light, you drift-and drift-and drift....light as a feather... into your breezy daydrems... there you are drifting away...poof.... hey, what? it's 10:30?? what about you rock club meet? sheesh!!!

wish i could snip the donald's... ahem... 'roof'?

02-09-2007, 10:43 PM
Done. And just for that, you're worse than fired. You're blackballed. You'll never work in this town again, passing judgement on chair designs, prose, or poorly crafted hairpieces. Good luck with the Amway thing, though.

I wish telephones had never been invented.

02-09-2007, 10:49 PM
Granted. But the only way your friends were able to redirect you to your WIP was through telephone, which made you hate phones in the first place (MUST I do this WORK?, you screamed at me in anger, remember??) Your WIP will now languish PHOREVA, mwuuhahahaha....

*ahem* I wish I could snap-dictate (snap my fingers) my WIP instead of typing.

02-09-2007, 10:56 PM
Done. Unfortunately, your writing style is now the clipped, barking dictator tone of the snapped finger: "Civil war happened! Scarlet toyed with guests! He's cute! Don't give a @#$%! Tomorrow='nother day! The End!

I wish my every instruction was followed to the letter by all around me.

02-09-2007, 10:58 PM
Granted. Oh, dang, lookee there - no one's around you! Well, mail the letter and see if someone will follow it.

I wish my mother could figure out how to use a computer without calling me every five minutes while I'm at work!

02-09-2007, 11:00 PM
Granted. She'll just move in with you. No need to call then.

I wish I had a conscience. For a day or two.

02-10-2007, 12:56 AM
granted - it's Saturnian day... or two? so there you are, on Saturn, all by your lonesome... i mean, you and your conscience -- cause you have it.... all to yourself... you and your conscience looking longingly towards Europa.... lalalalalallalaaaaa...

i wish my kitty would feel better right NOW... she's been sick all day... (be nice ;-/)

02-10-2007, 01:01 AM
Granted...your kitty feels greeeeeeaaaaaat!
Hops up, runs out the door and comes back with 2 fat hens just snatched from mean ornery and totally insane Farmer John's barn.

He recognized your cat. He'll be there soon.

I wish I could just skip next Wednesday altogether.

02-10-2007, 10:09 AM
Granted. You'll lose any excess weight while you're skipping. Don't forget Double Dutch! Tie the other ends of the ropes to a fence post.

I wish that what's bad for me suddenly turned into what's good for me -- like chocolate and sleeping all day.

02-10-2007, 02:16 PM
granted! there you are sleeping all day, soaking in your warm milk chocolate bath....ahhhhhh.... at sunset, your genie serves you a single wafer of dark chocolate, then you go to sleep again. this is gooood for you -- kinda like hibernation, you see... in the next seven years you'll only age one month so you got us beat... however, your brain goes to slush, and the genie/chocolate soak contract expires in SEVEN years... upon which you rise from your cold sticky bath and find you have no home, no friends and no money.... eek!

wish i could find a free sherpa puppy for a friend's nine year old who can't afford one yet desperately wants one NOW!

02-10-2007, 04:51 PM
Done, but they can't afford to feed the puppy or pay for the vet bills. Meanwhile, the SPCA fills up with unwanted dogs and pups who could be adopted for a fraction of the price, and who desperately want new homes.

I wish I was in a better mood today .

02-11-2007, 12:17 AM
Granted. You're feeling wonderful, but all of that negative energy has to go somewhere. It's taken up residence with your neighbors, your current employer, and oh, did I mention the weather caught a chunk of it too? I'd start stock-piling non-perishables now. You're going to need them.

I wish I had all of my lines memorized.

02-11-2007, 04:59 AM
Granted. You're word perfect. Shame they've decided to do another play.

I wish my friends woul stop bickering.

02-12-2007, 07:37 PM
Granted. They have given up bickering, in favor of dueling. You are chosen by both, as second. Decisions, decisions....who gets the better sword? How will you ever clean up the body or bodies? Bickering was the good old days, wasn't it?

I wish my folks weren't getting in trouble all the time, and getting me in trouble along with them.

02-12-2007, 08:35 PM
Done! You and your parents have all been included in the test run of a radical new electrotherapy treatment. A computer chip has been surgically implanted at the base of each of your skulls that can detect the impulse to take risks or break laws. When it detects those impulses, it delivers several thousand volts of debilitating electrical shock directly to your spinal column, stunning you instantly. Aside from the various side effects of landing inconveniently, it also makes each of you physiologically incapable of causing mischief or mayhem, ever again.

I wish I could write at the same time as I do my day job.

02-12-2007, 08:56 PM
Granted: You are assigned the task of writing a 25-page manual on how to keep your pockets lint free.

I wish I had enough money to quit my job so I can stay home and work on my WIP.

02-13-2007, 03:17 AM
Granted, you've just won the Lotto's 321 million dollar jackpot. Best hurry up with that WIP - I see about five thousand close relatives beating feet for your door. Oh, and about seventeen children you weren't aware of. And taxes. Did I forget those unforseen taxes?

Get writing !!!

I wish I was the final judge in this year's Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

02-13-2007, 03:29 AM
Granted. The top contenders this year are straight out of the movie Best In Show.

I wish it was going to continue to be unseasonably warm. And sunny.

02-13-2007, 08:44 PM
Granted. You are a member of a scientific team that is being put in a tempered steel bubble strung from a space platform and tethered to hang exactly 1/2 mile above the equator of Venus.

Luckily you brought sunscreen and a book.

I wish that squirrel was not looking at me.

02-13-2007, 09:51 PM
Granted. He's not just looking at you, he's staring daggers at you. Lucky for you, he died five days ago and is relatively harmless now. Just don't let him see you sweat.

I wish this little stuffed dragon on my desk would come to life and terrorize those around me.

02-13-2007, 10:00 PM
Granted . . . but then a crew of Japanese filmmakers arrive to make a movie starring Tom Cruise (The Last Dragon). Then it's a media circus with everyone wanting to find out if Katie is pregnant again and whether Tom is gay.

I wish I had dessert to go with my lunch.

02-13-2007, 11:04 PM
granted - Desert goes with Lunch, and you're left all by your lonesome.

i wish i didn't have to beat them off with a stick for Valentines...

02-14-2007, 02:55 AM
Granted - now you're beating them off with the proverbial 10-foot pole. Harder to swing, but you can take out five at a time.

I wish we had 3-day weekends every time, and 4-hour workdays. (with pay for a full 8, of course)

02-14-2007, 10:09 AM
granted - the economy has collapsed... you live in a socialist police state where everybody is guaranteed a job - four hours a day / four days a week --> 16 hours of work for which you get paid the equivalent of the old 32 hours... however, the weekly food on your table is worth 48 hours' work... so your fridge is sparsly populated... lucky you dont have to pay rent in this caring society - you live in a rent-free prefab one-room box 10 x 10 feet in a 1000-room drab, state-owned building... on the outskirts of what was once Desmoines... no electricity, internet (not to mention wireless) and you have running water for only 2 hours a day.... still working on your WIP... writing longhand... in the natural daylight seeping through your one-foot square window... the view is uninspiring to say the least: a row of 1-foot square windows on the building next door, which stands a mere four yards away...

i wish i would get to work already, making my daily sales calls... and getting some orders firmed up.

02-14-2007, 10:55 AM
Granted! You're at work and everything's humming along, just as it should be. Orders coming in, sales calls made, all's great. Pity that you were in such a rush to get there that you went into the wrong office and it's not your company but the rival one next door where you're succeeding so well. Of course, your real company fires you instantly for working for the other side, and the other side thinks you're a spy and they kick you to the curb.

But you closed a LOT of sales, so all's well.

I wish it was easier to get super glue off your fingers.

02-14-2007, 02:12 PM
Granted. A sharp axe works great. Just put your hand right on this block.

I wish springtime would arrive early this year.

02-14-2007, 06:21 PM
Granted. The snow melts, the air warms, the trees bud and the birds flock back.... and I didn't forget the honey of them all... bees. African.

Thousands of them to pollinate just for you.... but since it all happened so quickly, they are a little irritable...

I wish I had a higher paying job.

02-14-2007, 06:59 PM
but you do, see -- look at yourself, you luscious tart, you... at 2K a night!!

wish i didn't feel so lazy right now -- and could stop munching these...these... yummy crunchy things...

02-14-2007, 07:36 PM
Your wish is granted except, there is one slight hitch, your feet have come alive and are automated to ran a 100,000 mile run and those crunchy things your eating are, in fact beatles that will be your energy as you run.

I wish, i could get of the computer now

02-15-2007, 01:57 AM
Granted! Enjoy looking at the Blue Screen of Death for a bit. Then it's off to the computer repair store for you! Hope you've backed up all your data -- your hard drive just melted.

I wish Absolute Write wasn't so addictive.

02-15-2007, 02:01 AM
Granted. Now AW isn't addictive, it's just impossible to log off. You want to. You try. You desperately desire to step away and stop posting. But you can't. Not ever. Hope you have a comfy chair, and don't have to pee.

I wish I could get two really hot, shirtless guys to wash my car while I sit and watch.

02-15-2007, 02:04 AM
Granted! Enjoy watching Franz and and Juan buff your car in nothing but leopard thongs! They'll be going home together, and won't toss even a glance or a smile your way, but at least the view will be good for a few minutes.

I wish it wasn't so cold here that all the plants are dying.

02-15-2007, 02:20 AM
Granted. It's now so tropical and lush that your house and car are disappearing beneath the jungle vines. Would you like a loan of a machete?

I wish I could drift elegantly through life, instead of lolloping through it like a bloody great St. Bernard.

02-15-2007, 03:01 AM
Granted. You're a poodle named Tinkerbell.

I wish I didn't have to do laundry tonight.

02-15-2007, 05:04 AM
Granted. All your clothes are now vanished, so you'll never have to do laundry again. I hope it's not too cold where you live.

I wish that cute girl at the checkout counter would spontaneously french kiss me next time I'm in the supermarket.

02-15-2007, 05:07 AM
Granted. Don't worry about the herpes sore. Hey, she's cute, that's all that matters.

I wish Anne Hathaway would go out on a date with me. (Might as well aim for the moon, right?)

02-15-2007, 08:19 AM
Granted. You and Anne spend a wonderful afternoon skeet shooting. Unfortunately you run out of school buses full of high school sports teams to shoot at. You eye Anne, who is very competitive, and wonder if you shouldn't take a bodyguard into the bathroom with you the next time you get the feeling that you need to go.

I wish Freda (my cat) would catch more mice.

02-15-2007, 09:06 AM
well, mommy (says Freda from atop the freshly killed mice pyramid), is this enough for the Sunday picnic?

I'll have mine rare, if you don't mind, and save me all the soft bellies after you skin them.

Hey, your picnic is a real hit with the feline neighbourhood!

I wish I could get going with my work this morning already.

02-15-2007, 10:54 AM
Granted. Of course, you'll be tired by mid-morning and spend the rest of the day trying to stay awake.

I wish that this would be our last really cold spell of winter.

02-15-2007, 08:35 PM
Granted. This is the last time Mrs. Gleefs 1st grade class in Anchorage, Alaska, is going to be forced to have the daily spelling bee outside.

The kids, all of them, now worship you.

I wish the new church of 'The Enlightened AlleyCat', would stop knocking on my door for donations.

02-15-2007, 09:42 PM
Granted. Now the church of The Enlightened AlleyCat spam your inbox, call you at home during dinner time, and fill your mailbox with those colored papers that don't fit inside the box and end up spilling out little cards when you try to grab your bills.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall in the Personnel office today, to hear what the fight outside was about yesterday.

02-15-2007, 10:37 PM
Granted, but instead of the wall, you landed on that sticky fly paper.

I wish I had more posts so I could post in the politics section.

02-16-2007, 03:47 AM
Done but they sall consist of one word - exactly

I wish I didn't have the flu

02-16-2007, 05:10 AM
Granted! You're miraculously cured. Sadly, there's all that work now waiting for you...

I wish I could safely get away with murder.

02-16-2007, 05:52 PM
Granted, but you are killed by a bus

I wish I had a ham sammich

02-17-2007, 03:48 AM
Here ya go, but you're gonna have heartburn all night.

I wish I would for once in my life get a paying publishing credit.

02-17-2007, 03:53 AM
Granted. The local newspaper will pay you $5 for your op-ed piece about codfish.

I wish there was good news in the world this evening.

02-17-2007, 04:26 AM
Granted! Your good news of the day is: Not everyone has died, not everyone has gotten a divorce, not all movies suck, not all people have stopped reading, and the Earth has not yet succumbed to Global Warming. Of course, check your local listings -- your actual results may vary.

I wish my house were neat, clean and tidy without any effort on my part.

02-21-2007, 12:34 AM
Granted: Movers and garbage men came to your house and threw everything away. There is nothing to clean or keep neat itís all gone.

I wish to meet someone famous when I go on vacation.

02-21-2007, 01:09 AM
Meet him--you're in the next room! And you can hear Gilbert Godfried all night, as he argues with Room Service, makes comments on everything that comes on his television, and says to no one in particular that he is thirsty, at 3:00 a.m.

I wish I had accomplished more actual work today.

02-21-2007, 04:03 AM
Done, but it was all reorganization of your recycling materials.

I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow but would still get paid. I am so freaking tired.

02-22-2007, 12:08 AM
Granted. In fact, take the rest of the week off. You'll get paid OVERTIME for the whole week. Of course, in about 14 months they're gonna realize the mistake, then tell the IRS, and there's gonna be a lawsuit including back taxes and interest earned. But heck, go out and buy yourself something pretty while you still can.

I wish I'd brought something better for lunch.

02-22-2007, 01:16 AM
Granted. Here's some bugs.

I wish someone would cook dinner for me tonight. Then give me a nice back rub.

02-22-2007, 01:58 AM
Granted. I'll make you a nice plate of haggis, neeps and tatties - and I've got a lovely bottle of horse liniment for the back rub.

I wish I had a better memory for names.

02-22-2007, 02:07 AM
Granted. You remember everybody, and call them by name. Every cab driver whose license you've seen on the visor, every bore at a bar or party, every childhood tormentor or passing aquaintance. And they're impressed. So impressed that you have a guaranteed entourage....of stalkers. Good luck with that, and close those blinds!

I wish I didn't always fall for this thread, thinking I can come up with a bedazzle-proof wish that only leaves me gnashing my teeth in the snow without the prize I imagined.

02-22-2007, 07:37 AM
Granted! You now still post on this thread, but all hope, the competitiveness, the joy is gone. I won't tell you what that does to your psyche overall, but let's just say...I'd like to be in the will.

I wish I wasn't so very tired and achy tonight.

02-22-2007, 07:44 AM
Granted! You are now full of energy and vitality... unfortunately everyone around you feels tired and achy so you now get to do all the chores, do double shifts at work and care for those who are under the weather... of course this means later you will be feeling.... darn!

I wish I has more time for myself

02-22-2007, 07:48 AM
Granted! The men in the white coats come in, grab you, and now you're in a lovely, padded cell. All the "me" time you could possibly want!

I wish I had that purse from mythology that always gave you exactly what you needed whenever you reached into it.

Ruth Barringham
02-22-2007, 09:32 AM
Granted. It gives you all the health food you need without any sugary or fatty foods that you don't need, it gives you lots or work and chores to do that are good for you and no leisure time which is what you might want, but you don't NEED it. Only good wholesome things that you need will be yours from now on and none of that wasteful fun stuff ever again.

I wish I could earn more money for doing less work.

02-22-2007, 02:23 PM
Granted. Bank robbery is a growth industry.

I wish I had an "easy button" that really worked.

02-22-2007, 06:56 PM
Granted. Staples is the new Halliburton/Dyncorp/Raytheon/Rand/Congress corporation, and 2007 is the new, Orwellian 1984. You hits the button, and Big Brother does the deed....while trying to decide if the "you" middleman is really necessary. Perhaps you're needed more down at the salt mine....

I wish one of the good agents I contacted would call to say that they reconsidered, have great news for me, and are sending some contracts that have good numbers. There, that should be foolproof!

02-23-2007, 01:50 AM
Granted. I wish that for you too. I wish it for me too but I'll settle with wishing I hadn't just ended up in the ditch on my way home from work, turning a couple of complete circles before stopping in the snow.

02-23-2007, 02:11 AM
Oh my heavens! Well, Granted ! You didn't end up in the ditch on your way home from work, turning a couple of complete circles before stopping in the snow. It was all a dream, but you might want to change those sheets today.

I wish my new hardwood floors were already installed, and someone did all the hard carpet removal and furniture moving for me.

02-23-2007, 02:58 AM
Granted! The new owners who just stole your house out from under you thank you for your good taste in flooring.

I wish I had thought of gclare's last wish first.

02-23-2007, 03:42 AM
Granted. But nothing is foolproof on this thread.

I wish I had a pizza and didn't have to go get it, or have it delivered. I wish . . . it would magically appear, ready to serve.

Let's see how foolproof that is.

02-23-2007, 03:49 AM
Granted. It just appeared, hovering five feet off the ground. Upside down. But not for long. Ewwww, were those some grains of kitty litter?

I wish I had a clone, who did ONLY the mundane tasks I assigned, not show up at home while I'm at work or empty my bank account.

02-23-2007, 11:26 AM
Granted. He's perfect isn't he... he does everything faster and better than you can -- even writing (you assign him to do all the boring topics and last-minute challenges).

Your wife prefers him, your boss... even your publisher -- none of them want to see YOU any more, his temper is by far preferrable so they all ask for HIM. Your books sell like hotcakes and you suddenly have more work than you can handle, so you create another clone, then another...

They do everything for you to the point you have no purpose left. You languish in bed, breakfast, lunch and dinner (they can cook!) and you get fat and sluggish.... You find it impossible to write any more -- even your muse has left you for THEM.

You become a recluse and spend the rest your days between four walls. But the gclare name lives on :)

I wish I had magical device to tune into any time and place at will while maintaining complete control.

02-23-2007, 02:40 PM
Granted. Just get the History Channel on cable. With a remote.

I wish all my chores and errands for the weekend were already done.

02-23-2007, 06:01 PM
Granted. Unfortunately the person who did them for you now expects you to theirs for them.... and she is a horse farmer.... its time to shovel some.... ah well, get the pitchfork

I wish my husband would take my writing 'hobby' more seriously

02-23-2007, 06:48 PM
Granted and he is, now that you're writing about HIM. I've never seen that scowl before, have you?

I wish everyone's avatar was a picture of their actual face, (in daylight and not the negative film either)

02-24-2007, 12:14 AM
Granted. What, you think I don't look like this?

I wish I could call down a plague of little ants upon the exterminator who keeps promising me his spraying is gonna STOP the dang things from getting into my house! NOT

02-24-2007, 03:53 AM
Granted! But, what you didn't know is, he's the Pied Piper of the ant world, and he knows it was you what done brought that curse upon him.

If you thought you had ants BEFORE, well...

I wish I had more desire to do something than I currently do.

02-24-2007, 04:41 AM
Granted. You have more desire to do it.... however that was such a big thing to grant that I had no desire left to also grant you the TIME to do it. :tongue

I wish my manager would just quit.

02-24-2007, 10:00 AM
Granted! Your manager up and quits. Sadly, said manager leaves incriminating evidence that you were involved in a huge embezzelment scheme. Since your manager's not around to prove it one way or the other, you end up taking all the blame. But don't fret...Martha did okay at Camp Cupcake and so will you.

I wish to know the meaning of life.

02-24-2007, 10:34 AM
Granted. You are now the only person in the world to know this fact. Every country has sent out spies to search for you and you are the world's most wanted person. You take up residence in a cave somewhere in the Himalayas with Anton the yeti.

I wish I had a flat belly.

02-28-2007, 02:40 AM
Granted. It's now as flat as a pancake. Who could have guessed a runaway steam-roller would squish you while you were sunbathing?

I wish I could sleep for a fortnight.

02-28-2007, 03:01 AM
Granted (after looking up the length of a fortnight) and it's a great sleep, too. It's a shame you have to wake up and rush out the door to a very important meeting before brushing those teeth, though. Some people still haven't regained their sense of smell. I hear lawsuits are pending.

I wish I could teleport myself to and from work, to maximize my ME time.