View Full Version : I apologize profusely

03-16-2006, 12:31 AM
I don't normally do this, post things from an email, but I couldn't help it. Please, don't hate me.

A dog's diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

A cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

03-16-2006, 12:39 AM
Cute. :D

03-16-2006, 01:11 AM
I'm still chuckling. That's great!

03-16-2006, 01:15 AM
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

If people only knew.... :roll:

I've seen this before but it cracks me up every time! Thanks for posting it. :D

03-16-2006, 01:23 AM

03-16-2006, 01:38 AM
i like it

03-16-2006, 01:43 AM
This reminds me of another email which floated around a while ago. I think it was titled "A Letter to My Pets". I can't remember the whole thing, but the line I liked best was something like, "Tripping me on the stairs is not a good idea. I can fall faster than you can run." :D

03-16-2006, 01:54 AM
A real cat's diary:

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Ow.

Rob :)

03-16-2006, 02:02 AM
All this time I was thinking my cat was just too stupid to realize that people can't see them in the dark. Here its been trying to assassinate me!

03-16-2006, 09:49 AM
Letter to My Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim
making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Honest.

Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other
dog's/cat's behind.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets
1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted
son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
- they don't ask for money all the time
- they are easier to train
- they usually come when called
- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and

- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Puddle Jumper
03-16-2006, 10:01 AM
I have a friend who had a cat that tried to kill her by laying on her face while she slept. She no longer has that cat.

I was making tunafish salad one day, tuna being a treat I occassionally give my cat, but this tuna wasn't for her but I did give her a little taste since she was pestering me. When I left the kitchen without giving her anything, I could tell by the look on her face that she was contemplating murder.

03-16-2006, 10:06 AM
Hehe - that was a worthwhile read!

03-16-2006, 10:29 AM
I once figured out what a dog hears when humans talk:

qiwhb walk fdiwcnsiofh;fih;vyfs; oswalk osu'fnjvs'fjns'fjn'sjfksjvklnvi fd;'pfw jp' j foodojf wjf 'pjf'sij'j'fiohbrpwyb cwalkingfj wij ;hd;owhf; owdog'snamefqhnrqiob gb; wigi;hgacglaihiosnwalkiwuf ybw8of w

September skies
03-16-2006, 10:31 AM
Shadow and Alleycat:

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/smile.gif I liked it. So did my dog, Ginger. :snoopy:
My cat, BabyCakes, said she didn't think it was funny.:e2cat:

03-16-2006, 10:33 AM
Spot-on... so to speak.

03-16-2006, 10:46 PM
i just glanced at it, saw and understood the dog diary,
saw the beginning of the cat diary, burst into laughter.

03-16-2006, 10:55 PM
You just have to love this.


03-17-2006, 01:04 AM
Those were really cool. Thanks!


03-17-2006, 01:06 AM
A real cat's diary:

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Ow.

Rob :)

sort of like my one year old's diary:

mine. mine. mine. mine. mine. hey look at me! mine.

03-17-2006, 01:56 AM
I wonder what llamas, chinchillas, guiena pigs and large turtles think....about dogs and cats?

03-17-2006, 02:23 AM
My family acquired our first kitten when we still had our last guinea pig. We used to keep the guinea pig in a large box with a screen covering the top. The kitten would sit on top of the screen staring down at the guinea pig. I'm not sure whether she was thinking "look at that food I can't reach" or "look at that toy I can't reach". The guinea pig didn't last long after we got the kitten. He probably died of old age, but I have the sneaking suspicion he died of a fright induced heart attack.

In any case, I don't think I'd like to read that guinea pig's diary.

"Looked up again today. The monster's back!!!"


03-17-2006, 03:42 AM
Never apologize for telling the truth about cats.



03-17-2006, 04:33 AM
My dogs: