View Full Version : Holy crap!

Lantern Jack
03-14-2006, 10:33 PM
I kid you not what I'm about to tell you! This is my father, unvarnished, in all his Joe Blow glory. If ever they did a live-action version of King of the Hill, if the casting direction is worth half a damn, Dad will be cast as Hank Hill.

Ladies and gentleblokes, my father:

I had this horrible nightmare last night! The caulk was wearing away from the toilet and I tried to fix it myself, but every time I laid the caulk it disappeared. So I called Home Depot and Valu and that toilet shop-place on the corner of Transit and they just laughed at me! And laughed and laughed and laughed. Then your idiot brother Eddie (he's talking to my mum) came and tried to fix it but he just charged me lots of money and flooded the upstairs. And you were pregnant and the STUPID TOILET WOULD NOT STOP RUNNING ALL NIGHT LONG! So I got aggravated and picked it up and went to throw it in the pool. Then I saw the lining on the pool had fallen out and the water line had dropped three feet and there were raccoons nesting in the filter. I mean raccoons, honest-to-goodness raccoons! In the filter! Isn't that crazy! Then the cops came by asking to use my toilet because there wasn't another around for miles. Then they saw it wasn't caulked properly, so they started to cite me a ticket and...

This is where I had to break in:

You call that a nightmare? I've been having hypnagogic night terrors since I was three years old. So until your toilet comes to life, sprouts fangs, pops out of your skull and tries to eat you, while you're paralyzed in your own chill sweat, you need, methinks, to be properly lessoned in the definition of a nightmare.

I know, I know. I need to be properly lessoned in the definition of filial piety, but c'mon! The only interesting thing in that nightmare (Mum being pregnant) and he flushes it down the (uncaulked) toilet.

Actually, this is proof positive that nightmares are the mirror of one's subconscious fears because this is my dad to the D. All these years, I've always wondered what he dreams about and now I know and it is so (ah, I'll just use the word) square.

P.S. And for the record, last night I dreamed I was the top operative protecting a Nobel Prize-winner from suicide squads. Apparently, he'd discovered how to turn Pepsi into cheap gasoline. And he looked like Don Knotts, save with a Vincent Price, pencil mustache. And he'd also invented a chicken that can regenerate itself instantly, in order to solve world hunger. He also fixed it so you can eat it raw and it tastes like it's flame-broiled and you don't get salmonella! He had a pet one named Belinda. She was his other agent, a fighting cock. And he was always taking bites out of her, but they always grew back!

You see, when I dream, I dream about the universal questions, like feeding the world. And by the by, now we know: Pepsi is better! And you get 80 miles to the gallon (city,) 75 (highway).

03-14-2006, 10:37 PM
OMG! Since we got our own home, I have that exact same toilet nightmare as your Dad!

03-14-2006, 10:47 PM
I wish my nightmares even slightly resembled the sitcom your dad's are. My husband does too, he's tired of waking up to my screams and fists.
Typically I am being chased by something that sprang up from nowhere(one time out of a fertilizer bucket), and getting nowhere while I run in the muckety-muck. Typically I'm naked and cold, and many times someone is trying to get into my house and I can't do anything to stop them. I would get so terrified that I got really good at recognizing a nightmare for what it was and attempting to wake myself up "you're dreaming trish, wake up." Unfortunately this spawned an even worse sort of terror...that I would dream I had awaken and find myself in my room in my bed, horrified, but awake (I thought) but I really wasn't...and whatever I was running from would be standing at the end of my bed sometimes they'd even talk or take shape of something/someone else, and I could swear I was awake, (one time one of them said, "Do you know who your friends are?" while he stood in black silhouette about 7 feet tall and smoking, one time it was James Dean leaning against the door frame and one time it was a little girl in a frilly dress sitting at the end of my bed - she was the scariest)-- THEN I would really wake up, usually screaming and beating my husband silly.

Please oh please, God, let me have toilet dreams~

03-14-2006, 11:02 PM
I'm still naked in college, and didn't know there was an exam today.

This is getting old, you know?

03-14-2006, 11:16 PM
Actually, the one where I'm in college and Maryn is naked across from me and it's test time isn't considered a nightmare.

03-14-2006, 11:25 PM
I'm still naked in college, and didn't know there was an exam today.

This is getting old, you know?

At least you made it to college.

I'm still in high school.

Yeah, it's getting old alright.

03-14-2006, 11:33 PM
I kinda like my nightmares wierd. I get enough of the normalicy of life during the daytime. At least I know thyat if I dream it will be fantastically strange. One time I had this dream where I was crossing the red sea with Moses and then we reached the other side and Moses and all the Iseralites turned into ball-like fuzzy blue aliens and suddenly I was flying around in a spaceship with my little brother....
That wasn't a nightmare, though.
My nightmares usually involve me creeping around in dark and spooky places being hunted by a serial killer...
Maybe it would be nicer to dream about uncaulked toilets for a change.

03-14-2006, 11:55 PM
My nightmares are the stuff of horror inspiration. Crazy violence, death, mutilation, etc. So yeah, I'd trade mine in for your pops' any day. That was pretty funny though, I could completely see Hank Hill telling the story.

Lantern Jack
03-15-2006, 01:14 AM
OMG! Since we got our own home, I have that exact same toilet nightmare as your Dad!

So, this is a common dream archetype, the "latrine" figment, hobgoblin of homeowners' unconscious selves?

03-15-2006, 01:22 AM
Yes, when we aren't having the "furnace turning into a giant squid and snatching the entire family and trying to stuff them into its fire-breathing maw" one.

03-15-2006, 01:22 AM
I'm still naked in college, and didn't know there was an exam today.

This is getting old, you know?
OMG! I lived that nightmare! Not the naked part (although I do still have that dream occasionally), but the forgetting about the exam thing. I once totally missed a final exam in a core course in university because I misread the schedule. I was on my way down to campus to write the thing, while all my classmates were on the way home from writing it. That was a cold-sweat nightmare-come-true that I would never want to repeat.

03-15-2006, 01:23 AM
Weird nightmares! I have had 3 that I remember that all took place in the same building, in the same place that I have never seen before in real life. It was kind of odd.

03-15-2006, 01:32 AM
I'm glad I'm not the only one having the naked nightmare. Mine is at work...or where I used to work.

But it's always natural...I just look down and think, "Oh s$$t! I forgot to wear clothes today."

No one else seems to notice. They walk by or talk to me...not once mentioning my nakedness. Except there's always a few office ladies snickering in the corner. I can never figure out if they're laughing at the fact that I'm nude, or if they're just laughing at my puny $$$$$.

03-15-2006, 01:38 AM
Hmm. The nakedness isn't what causes the nightmare. It's everyone pointing and laughing.

Lantern Jack
03-15-2006, 01:52 AM
Yes, when we aren't having the "furnace turning into a giant squid and snatching the entire family and trying to stuff them into its fire-breathing maw" one.

I find you fascinating.

Rach and I both do.

03-15-2006, 01:58 AM
You have private conversations about me?

03-15-2006, 02:43 AM
You have private conversations about me?

wow, Shadow, you seem nervous, now I'm afraid you're going to have nightmares about your furnace and toilet talking about you, aren't you? take a xanax and post in the morning...

03-15-2006, 02:53 AM

Just one night at your house and I will have a whole note book full of characters for my stories.

03-15-2006, 02:54 AM
I'm still naked in college, and didn't know there was an exam today.
That might be okay. What's your major?

Lantern Jack
03-15-2006, 03:06 AM
You have private conversations about me?

Yes, we do. We talk for hours every night and names from AW pop up quite frequently, since we both go here. And yours is one of the ones that always pops up in a good context. Rachel's words, exactly, "I really like that guy! He's always asking people to call him 'Ferret.' His name is so cool":)

04-04-2006, 05:43 PM
Ha! I honestly had a furnace dream last night. Our's is on the fritz, heavy rains caused water to leak into it and short it out. So I had these dreams about breakers blowing, wandering around in the basement with a dying flashlight, as the furnace arcs and sparked, and then these little rods started breaking through the basement floor with little blue gas flames on the ends of them.


04-04-2006, 06:32 PM
The toilet-without-caulk-whose-father's-dancing-naked-while-having-a-colon-exam-while-the-furnace-fritzes-as-Rachel-and-Lantern-Kibbutz-about-it-over-Chai-in-a-rundown-Starbucks-in-Leeds-as-Ferrets-dance-to-Alison-Moyet's-dulcet-tones-wearing-not-much-more-than-a-tube-top-and-a-paint-smock dream. Almost commonplace ...

04-04-2006, 06:38 PM
I'm still naked in college, and didn't know there was an exam today.

This is getting old, you know?

At least you made it to college.

I'm still in high school.

Yeah, it's getting old alright.
At last... I have found my people.

41 years old, and I still have this dream every couple of months. I *still* wake up sweating and have to step through my life to prove that I have actually graduated.

I miss the old dreams where, for example, I'm drinking flat, blue soda called Fish, sitting in an all-orange bar, and Jan Brady (with round spectacles) sidles up to me and smiles. Haven't had that one since I was maybe 8 or 10.

04-04-2006, 07:11 PM
The only time I dream about toilets is when I wake up having to go to the bathroom.

I'm usually trying my best to find a bathroom in the dream and discovering that they are already occupied, out of order, or just not there anymore.

If I do find one and get to use it, I have to keep going back to it--like I have a bladder problem. I was a bedwetter when I was little, so I imagine that's why I have dreams like this when I have to go.

Poet, I do the same thing w/ the school dreams--I have to convince myself and others in the dream that I've already been done with that part of my life.

04-04-2006, 08:10 PM
I didn't have nightmares until I had a kid. Now, I have the same one quite frequently.

In my nightmare, I live in some sort of compound - my house is surrounded by chain-link fence laced with barbed wire and razor wire. My husband has somehow been trapped outside the compound, and has been ripped to shreds by wild dogs. There are gaps in the fence; they're not big enough to let the dogs in, but big enough for my toddler to either be pulled out or to slip out on his own. I can't find him in my dream, and I'm frantically running around the perimeter of the compound looking for him. I never find him, but I *know* that he hasn't been pulled through the fence by the wild dogs yet. I usually wake up just as I round a corner and find black-clad men shoving him through one of the gaps to a pack of hungry, waiting, salivating wild dogs.

I wake up screaming, sweating and aching all over because all my muscles in my body have been tensed. I don't wake myself - it just so happens that my husband wakes me up at just about the same point in the dream every time because I'm crying and screaming in my sleep.

Weird and terrifying.