Research: Why no sex?

I don't have a resource for single people not to, but if you are looking for reasons why married people don't... check out this site on the interwebz. tons o stories...

I didn't have sex for about 8 months several years ago, because of the deterioration of my first marriage and a sense of pickiness about finding a new sexual partner after I left my first husband.

I don't remember how long I went without sex in the past, but lately I haven't been "in the mood" due to a damn depression relapse. We're still having sex, but not as often as we used to. Usually I don't have sex because of depression or RL stress in some form.

ETA: What's funny is I was about to make a post titled "Do you ever get tired of writing about sex?" LOL

I didn't have sex until I was 26. My relationships beforehand were intimate in other ways, but the first time I was only 15 and wasn't ready at all, the second time bf was also a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage and then we ended up breaking up, and the third time the guy had tried to use me to cheat on his gf while we were overseas so I was all "Lol, NOPE".

And in between each, I was extremely picky so most dates never lasted beyond the first night.

I should also add that I was raised in an extremely Christian household in which purity until marriage was stressed at every given opportunity (mostly from my mother). So there I was, this blossoming young woman torn between a high libido and not being a shame to my parents.

Finally, one night, I had decided enough was enough and if I was going to wait for that perfect man to come along and take my V-card, I would be a virgin for effin' ever. After getting drunk at a karaoke bar, I met this guy and we hooked up. Too drunk to lose my V-card that particular night but I finally gave it up to him a month later. Ha ha! Take that, mother! So daring! Much rebellion! (at 26)

And then a year later, I got married to that random man so I ended up losing my V-card to my husband anyway (I could feel my mother smirking in the background).
Oh, life and your cute little ironies.

KimJo said:

I didn't have sex for about 8 months several years ago, because of the deterioration of my first marriage and a sense of pickiness about finding a new sexual partner after I left my first husband.

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Bam KimJo. For me it was a lot longer than 8 months, other than a couple of meaningless flings. It is a testament to human endurance that I never wanked myself to death in that time. In that way I still had a libido...but I had no interest in really meeting a woman. I could have wondered, apart from fantasy, whether I was bordering on asexual.

I have now met my soul mate. I do not use that term lightly, we have a very odd deep bond, and everyone including my own daughter can see it. She flicks every switch in me...but I am rambling. Back to the reason for abstinence..for me, I had reached a point in my life whereby I would either meet the ONE or I would accept being alone for the rest of my life. Sex outside of love had become meaningless.

articshark said:

What's the longest period you've gone without?

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21 years, five months. Though I assume you're not counting that.

About 18 months due to illness, beating the previous record of about eight months, from my first relationship skidding to a halt, through being insufficiently charming to have any opportunities, ending a little after my now-girlfriend and I met in person. That was long-distance for almost a year; we definitely made up for lost time when we were able to get together. Less so after the 18 months, because I was still not 100 percent.

Haven't had sex yet. Haven't met anyone I particularly wanted to have sex with, is pretty much the reason; the only one who's come close so far turned out to have been cheating on me the entire time we were dating, and I haven't gone out of my way to pursue anyone else since then.

I should add that I'm a panromantic demisexual, which for me means it can take a long time to even become attracted to someone. I'm attracted to "personalities," but because I'm so generally distrustful of people and don't make friends easily, that switch will only get flipped after months--sometimes years--of getting to know someone.

Every time I've tried dating the way "normal' people seem to, I wind up feigning interest in topics I don't care about and I get SO BORED I wonder how anyone gets laid, ever.

I should also add that surface attraction/looks barely factors into this equation at all. Unless your name is Ben Barnes.

Having children sure puts a hamper on it.

It's been a few years. Not by choice. Fatally single.

Edit: Sex would be nice, but I miss intimacy more.

I'm really, really, really lazy.

And I'm an introvert.

Having sex means interacting with another person. It also means, like . . . taking a shower. And making myself look nice. That's work, man. I can usually take care of myself just fine without involving other people and without needing to do things like shower.

Tbh, sex qua sex is kinda unimportant to me. I can have sex with people I'm intimate with, or not, and it's fine, because, yanno, the aforementioned taking-care-of-myself works for me. And if I'm feeling particularly introverted, I'm not going to want to have sex involving another person for as long as I'm feeling introverted.

If I'm not feeling introverted and am alone not by my own choice, I'm far more likely to start feeling lonely for closeness with another person LONG before I start missing sex with another person. But in my experience, I'm far more likely to consistently have more people around than I want rather than fewer.

I don't usually frequent this part of the board because I don't write erotica, but the thread title caught my attention. Lack of sex in my life tends to be a byproduct of being perpetually single which is a byproduct of being socially awkward which is caused by being socially anxious/shy. I went to a Super Bowl party this winter where a cute guy asked my name. And I forgot it. I'm thirty. That was my low point. Needless to say, if you can't get past the, "Hi. What's your name?" stage, sex certainly isn't likely to be forthcoming.

Dated and shacked up with hubby for 8yrs. Been married for almost 14yrs. Had a near divorce situation off and on for the first 5 because I was having internal issues after a car crash and didn't know it. The seat belt was not across my hips, but across my belly, and that messed my digestive tract up. I was in pain without understanding why, and simply couldn't enjoy sex. I think the longest down time was 3 months. He accused me of cheating on him...it was ugly. But the 2 stubborn goats that we are, we stuck together. He does alienate me on occasion with fantasies that I'm just not into. I remind him who he's married to, and we get past it.

I haven't ever had sex with anyone because I haven't ever had the desire to have sex with anyone.

Not sure if that helps

There were a couple of years where depression meant I not only felt awful about myself, but I just didn't physically want it any more.

Other than that a few months because of illness.

There's a few other reasons people may stop having sex in a committed relationship - one is having an affair, or they are suffering the aftershocks of one of them having an affaird; one of them has suffered some kind of physical or sexual trauma; one or both of them are actually asexual and the other parther is fine with that.

There's a ton of medical reasons as well. Certain birth control scripts can wreak havoc on libidos in a small percentage group, (pill & shot) depression and some meds for depression, meds for bipolar, nsaids... high cholesterol in men... the medical list goes on and on and on.

buzhidao said:

I haven't ever had sex with anyone because I haven't ever had the desire to have sex with anyone.

Not sure if that helps

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*sits with buz*

At this moment in my life, not really interested. Interest is not there. That may change. If it does, cool. If not, cool.

Sometimes it can be tricky to find people with compatible sexualities/genders, too. If I were a straight, cis woman, I imagine I might have a little more luck finding people, at least if all I cared about was getting a date or having sex. Dating as a queer, genderqueer person requires a little more effort sometimes.

Being into kink can add a further layer of difficulty, though I'm not as concerned about kink compatibility when it comes to casual dating.

It's a little discouraging to look back on how much more attention I got on my Okcupid and Fetlife profiles before I limited the former to being visible to queer people only and changed my gender to non-binary on the latter.

It's not that finding sexual partners is impossible, but like I said, it does take a bit more work. I'm a bit awkward, not all that sociable, and don't like putting myself out there, so having to actively seek out people is hard for me.

Hubby and I live with my dad and grandfather - I'm sure sex when the parents were home was less challenging when I was 15 than it is now at 35 and married!

bearilou said:

*sits with buz*

At this moment in my life, not really interested. Interest is not there. That may change. If it does, cool. If not, cool.

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I'm with you guys.

Not going to comment on myself but here are some reasons I have encountered for people not to be having sex:

Some form of physical problem. Even if theoretically it only applies to certain sorts of sex (eg PIV - not uncommon for women to find this painful), it can make the whole idea feel too scary.

Young children. Both because parenting is knackering, and again for women in particular, young kids are very touch-oriented, and the last thing you may want at the end of the day is more physical contact with ANYONE. Fault-lines in relationships often show up under the stress of early parenting, too, and pissed off partners don't necessary want to get it on.

Abstinence as sex game of some sort - lots of info out there about this in the kinky sex line

Stress is a bit of a libido-killer for many people.

The sort of sex that one partner is into is not the sort of sex that the other one is into - they're more or less kinky, and maybe that didn't show in the initial throes of lust-filled just-get-it-on, but later on it turns out that they're less compatible than they thought. Or preferences have changed. (Or one partner believes that this is the case and is too scared to ask.)

Drinking or drugging too much.

Not enough time / too tired. If you're working til 11 every night you may not be in the mood when you get in. (Or your partner may be pissed off at you for working those hours so not into it anyway.)

Just not that into it. Some people get more out of sex than others.

And so on...

julietk said:

The sort of sex that one partner is into is not the sort of sex that the other one is into - they're more or less kinky, and maybe that didn't show in the initial throes of lust-filled just-get-it-on, but later on it turns out that they're less compatible than they thought. Or preferences have changed. (Or one partner believes that this is the case and is too scared to ask.)

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Or the Kinkier one does finally find the nerve to ask... and their partner is so taken aback by the preferences (and prior experiences that formed them) that they physically withdrawal any sex at all...

Impressed by the honesty! Being asexual is still often looked down on - not normal, something wrong with you etc. So it's great to read it discussed as normal.
Some people also prefer quality sex to boring sex. Does that count?
On the other hand, having lots of sex is also normal, just saying...