excuses, excuses, excuses...

I'm sorry, but I can't go with you to the nuclear plant. I have an appointment with the undertaker. I'm being measured for my burial suit and coffin. Would you care to join me?

Oh, no thankyou. I'm planning on being cremated and then have my cremain remains sprinkled somewhere but I can't decide where exactly. Should it be near El Capitan or near Bridal Veil? Come to Yosemite with me and help me decide where.

Oh, thanks but I'll pass. Yosemite is a grand place to be sprinkled at, though, but I must go and fight some bad a*s aliens. Care to join me?

Oh dear - I better not. Aliens just aren't afraid of my meow! I'll end up being the one getting my a$$ kicked. Hmmm....spankings might not be so bad. That reminds me, there is this new S & M place* I heard about - want to go check it out?

* LOL - Just for the record - I really do NOT ever get into that stuff

Well I would, except I have plans to attend a ping-pong tournament. I'm looking for a doubles partner, can you please help me out?

Oohh, I adore ping pong! But I'm afraid if both my siamese twin and I attend, the game would be triples. I'll will have to take a rain check on that one, until after the surgery that is.

My twin and I have volunteered to spend the day licking a vat of cane toads. There is no pay but by noon you're feeling pretty darn good and you get a free lunch...frog legs. Would like to come with?

Wow, I'd love toy, I really would - but the last time I tried licking a cane toad, damn thing hit me with its cane.



Who'd like to come with me out west to clean pools for a living? The pay's not great but the fringe benefits are excellent: beatings, proddings and pokings.

I'd love to but I'm allergic to water; it's a rare condition and untreatable. Would anyone care to join me on a mission? I'm planning to break into a prison to gather information for my latest thriller.

That sounds like fun but I really can't. I'm wanted on a bunch of criminal charges and well, don't wanna get caught again.
I'm heading to Saturn to find out if there is really life there. Wanna come along?

I'm sorry I can't join you but I'm already booked for Pluto. I am, however, about to clean my catbox. Would you like to help? Gloves are optional.

No sorry. I allready cleaned up after my kitty, and thats enought poison for one day. And i dont have the time eather.. I am on my way to bed with my boyfriend. Want to tag along?

No, thanks. It sounds delightful, but I have to go to the doctor's office to get treated for a rare skin condition that's extremely contagious. May I shake your hand?

Sounds like fun! But no thanks, grey just isn't my color. On the other hand I'm having each of my fingers pierced and set with small fossils; would you care to watch?

I'd love to, but I'm having my piles banded.

Would you like to come to a Westlife concert the following evening?

Nah. I'm more of an Eastlife Concert fan - anyway, I'm busy planting tulips and hyacinths - they smell so good... Wanna come help? We can get down and dirty in the dirt.

Tulips and hyacinths, you say? They do smell good, but I'll be "getting down and dirty in the dirt" in my own flower garden today when I'm planting blue roses. I had to use some plutonium and blue Easter egg coloring to get the right color. I'm not sure how safe that was of me, but anyways, care to join me in planting them and find out?

Naw, thanks anyway, but the last time I dug in the dirt I got a nasty rash. I was just going to head up Trail Ridge Road on my motorcycle. I wanta see how it does on snow. There are several feet up there, but I think we can make it if we follow the poles to stay on the road. Anybody for a joy ride?

That sounds like a ticking bomb of fun... but I'm not allowed near cattle. I give one stupid cow a Bo Derek hairdo, another one a Marilyn Manson makeover, and I'm barred for life.

However, I'll be out creating 'living art' by dropping mustard- and relish-filled condoms (condom-ments!) out a window onto passersby. Want in on the action?

That sounds like fun!! BUT the last time I did that, it was a little old lady with a walker I dropped the goodies on. She threw her walker up in the air and hit me in the head with it. I think I learned my lesson. So, instead, I think I'm going to be reading the dictionary to a bunch of hobos. Who wants to join me?

Normally I'd be happy to read anything to anybody but, well, it's like this. I've got a bad rep with the hobo's. You see they keep vanishing and there is a rumor it is my fault.

But, HEY we all need to do something thoughtful for our fellow man. The soup kitchen just got a load of fresh meat. Would you like to join me for a volunteer stint in the kitchen today?

I would say Yes in a heartbeat if it were any other day than today. Unfortunately, I have an interview at the ivy league clown college I've been dying to get into. Wanna come for moral support?

My mother was scared by a clown while I was in the womb, and, well, you understand.

Besides, I'm already booked for my big trip to Sweden, but, you know, both the airline AND the hotel AND the sexual reassignment clinic are having a TWO FOR ONE SPECIAL! Think of it: TWICE the number of surprised friends and family when we step off that plane! WHEE!!!