View Full Version : excuses, excuses, excuses...

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03-12-2006, 04:35 AM
Kindly make an excuse for the invitation above you and issue your own invite while you're at it.

Gosh, I would love to help you sort your collection of dead bugs, but I really have to head off to the nuclear power plant and get my daily dose of radiation. Would you like to come along and get a healthy glow too?

03-12-2006, 06:53 AM
I'm sorry, but I can't go with you to the nuclear plant. I have an appointment with the undertaker. I'm being measured for my burial suit and coffin. Would you care to join me?

September skies
03-12-2006, 07:34 AM
Oh, no thankyou. I'm planning on being cremated and then have my cremain remains sprinkled somewhere but I can't decide where exactly. Should it be near El Capitan or near Bridal Veil? Come to Yosemite with me and help me decide where.

Anya Smith
03-12-2006, 07:47 AM
Oh, thanks but I'll pass. Yosemite is a grand place to be sprinkled at, though, but I must go and fight some bad a*s aliens. Care to join me?

September skies
03-12-2006, 07:52 AM
Oh dear - I better not. Aliens just aren't afraid of my meow! I'll end up being the one getting my a$$ kicked. Hmmm....spankings might not be so bad. That reminds me, there is this new S & M place* I heard about - want to go check it out?

* LOL - Just for the record - I really do NOT ever get into that stuff

A. Hamilton
03-12-2006, 12:54 PM
Well I would, except I have plans to attend a ping-pong tournament. I'm looking for a doubles partner, can you please help me out?

03-12-2006, 02:50 PM
Oohh, I adore ping pong! But I'm afraid if both my siamese twin and I attend, the game would be triples. I'll will have to take a rain check on that one, until after the surgery that is.

My twin and I have volunteered to spend the day licking a vat of cane toads. There is no pay but by noon you're feeling pretty darn good and you get a free lunch...frog legs. Would like to come with?

03-12-2006, 07:08 PM
Wow, I'd love toy, I really would - but the last time I tried licking a cane toad, damn thing hit me with its cane.

Who'd like to come with me out west to clean pools for a living? The pay's not great but the fringe benefits are excellent: beatings, proddings and pokings.

03-12-2006, 08:04 PM
I'd love to but I'm allergic to water; it's a rare condition and untreatable. Would anyone care to join me on a mission? I'm planning to break into a prison to gather information for my latest thriller.

03-12-2006, 08:10 PM
That sounds like fun but I really can't. I'm wanted on a bunch of criminal charges and well, don't wanna get caught again.
I'm heading to Saturn to find out if there is really life there. Wanna come along?

03-12-2006, 08:30 PM
I'm sorry I can't join you but I'm already booked for Pluto. I am, however, about to clean my catbox. Would you like to help? Gloves are optional.

03-12-2006, 08:36 PM
No sorry. I allready cleaned up after my kitty, and thats enought poison for one day. And i dont have the time eather.. I am on my way to bed with my boyfriend. Want to tag along?


03-12-2006, 09:04 PM
No, thanks. It sounds delightful, but I have to go to the doctor's office to get treated for a rare skin condition that's extremely contagious. May I shake your hand?

03-12-2006, 09:51 PM
Hmmmm, I would shake your hand, but just so had my finger up my nose. Sinus infection. But, I am getting ready to go to the slaughter house to watch then scrape the grates. Planning on picking up a load of that grey sludge they have. Want to come make sludge angels in the yard?

Albedo of Zero
03-12-2006, 10:44 PM
Sounds like fun! But no thanks, grey just isn't my color. On the other hand I'm having each of my fingers pierced and set with small fossils; would you care to watch?

03-12-2006, 10:57 PM
I'd love to, but I'm having my piles banded.

Would you like to come to a Westlife concert the following evening?

September skies
03-13-2006, 12:05 AM
Nah. I'm more of an Eastlife Concert fan - anyway, I'm busy planting tulips and hyacinths - they smell so good... Wanna come help? We can get down and dirty in the dirt.

03-13-2006, 12:14 AM
Tulips and hyacinths, you say? They do smell good, but I'll be "getting down and dirty in the dirt" in my own flower garden today when I'm planting blue roses. I had to use some plutonium and blue Easter egg coloring to get the right color. I'm not sure how safe that was of me, but anyways, care to join me in planting them and find out?

03-13-2006, 03:29 AM
Naw, thanks anyway, but the last time I dug in the dirt I got a nasty rash. I was just going to head up Trail Ridge Road on my motorcycle. I wanta see how it does on snow. There are several feet up there, but I think we can make it if we follow the poles to stay on the road. Anybody for a joy ride?

03-13-2006, 06:02 AM
Man, I would so love to, but last time I did that I had to go to the hospital and have a pole removed. But, if you think about it and have the time, I'm heading out the feed lot to check the cattle for ticks. Once I have a whole bucket, we're going to fry'em up and feed them to the tourists. Any takers?

03-13-2006, 06:29 AM
That sounds like a ticking bomb of fun... but I'm not allowed near cattle. I give one stupid cow a Bo Derek hairdo, another one a Marilyn Manson makeover, and I'm barred for life.

However, I'll be out creating 'living art' by dropping mustard- and relish-filled condoms (condom-ments!) out a window onto passersby. Want in on the action?

03-13-2006, 09:22 AM
That sounds like fun!! BUT the last time I did that, it was a little old lady with a walker I dropped the goodies on. She threw her walker up in the air and hit me in the head with it. I think I learned my lesson. So, instead, I think I'm going to be reading the dictionary to a bunch of hobos. Who wants to join me?

03-13-2006, 08:14 PM
Normally I'd be happy to read anything to anybody but, well, it's like this. I've got a bad rep with the hobo's. You see they keep vanishing:e2chain: and there is a rumor it is my fault.

But, HEY we all need to do something thoughtful for our fellow man. The soup kitchen just got a load of fresh meat. Would you like to join me for a volunteer stint in the kitchen today?

03-13-2006, 10:00 PM
I would say Yes in a heartbeat if it were any other day than today. Unfortunately, I have an interview at the ivy league clown college I've been dying to get into. Wanna come for moral support?

03-13-2006, 10:16 PM
My mother was scared by a clown while I was in the womb, and, well, you understand.

Besides, I'm already booked for my big trip to Sweden, but, you know, both the airline AND the hotel AND the sexual reassignment clinic are having a TWO FOR ONE SPECIAL! Think of it: TWICE the number of surprised friends and family when we step off that plane! WHEE!!!

03-13-2006, 10:35 PM
My mother was scared by a clown while I was in the womb, and, well, you understand.

Besides, I'm already booked for my big trip to Sweden, but, you know, both the airline AND the hotel AND the sexual reassignment clinic are having a TWO FOR ONE SPECIAL! Think of it: TWICE the number of surprised friends and family when we step off that plane! WHEE!!!

That sounds like fun but I really can't the last time I was sexually reassigned my penis got caught in a mousetrap. And anyway, I plan to go swimming in a Bombay sewer this weekend, care to join me?

03-13-2006, 10:59 PM
Well, thanks, but I just came back from swimming in Lake Ponchatrain and I don't think my shots are up for another jaunt like that. But I am on my way to the tofu factory on a taste testing tour. Would you like to join me?

03-13-2006, 11:20 PM
Can't make it. Gotta go for a colonoscopy. They said if I get one done, I can bring someone else to get one, too! Wanna go and get checked out?

03-14-2006, 02:08 AM
I'd love to but I promised my cousins I'd go out for Mexican Thai food this afternoon. However, later We are going to dress up like Gumby and go to the Gumby Fest at this bar that floods the floor with soap bubbles while we dance.

Wanna come with and do the limbo?

03-14-2006, 02:09 AM
God, that sounds perfect. Yes, I'm THER-- oh. Wait. I can't *sigh*. I'm going to audition for a spin-off from Desperate Housewives, entitled Relieved Ex-Husbands. There are a few parts going!

Wanna come with?

03-14-2006, 02:40 AM
So tempting, but tonight is the midnight screening of "Annie Hall" at the Bijou and I'm dressing up as Woody Allen's character. Can't you see yourself in Diane Keaton's part, men's shirt and tie and all?

Come on! It'll be FUN!

03-14-2006, 02:43 AM
Diane Keaton's a filthy lesbian -- so no. Besides, I'm on my way to Rosie O'Donnell's birthday bash; she's a clean, albeit corpulent, lesbian.

Be my date?

03-14-2006, 03:02 AM
Would love to, but Rosie isn't quite over me yet, it would be uncomfortable. However, I do have tickets to a RuPaul concert, BACKSTAGE! All I have to do was wipe up her sweat after the show? I could use an extra hand, care to go?

03-14-2006, 03:16 AM
no thanks... i have to wipe my own sweat, put it in a water bottle, and drink it for fear factor. it's a partner episode; i could always use an extra hand... want to come?

03-14-2006, 05:25 AM
Sorry... I was a contestant on Fear Factor last season and I'm still full from that tasty, crunchy meal of African cockroaches...


Which reminds me... I need to go down into the basement and collect all those mousetraps I heard... well... go off about two weeks ago. Care to help out?


03-14-2006, 05:43 AM
No no, don't be silly, leave them awhile, then you've just got skeletons to worry about. It's less...traumatic that way.

I was thinking maybe we could go down to the local o.a.p home and offer our services, you know, change colostomy bags, trim nasal hair, that kind of thing. Pick you up seven?

03-14-2006, 05:44 AM
Actually, I can't. I spent the entire day there and have to go eat something.

I am getting dressed to go on a midnight rattlesnake round-up. I need an extra person to hold the nights take.

Wanna come?

03-14-2006, 06:43 AM
So sorry. I have a deathly allergic reaction to rattlesnakes (pun intended). ;)

Why don't we go and have a skate out on that thin ice that's melting in the spring temperatures?


03-14-2006, 10:01 AM
Sorry, but I'm afraid that's an offer I'll have to refuse. The last time I did that, Aretha Franklin came along and stepped on the ice which had already been cracking. After she stepped on it everyone on the ice fell through. It was an experience I'm not willing to relive.

So, instead, I'm going to be auditioning for a role in an upcoming film directed by Pauly Shore. They say he just might be the next Spielberg. There's tons of roles up for grabs, so who wants to come with me?

03-14-2006, 11:47 AM
Sorry, but I'm afraid that's an offer I'll have to refuse. The last time I did that, Aretha Franklin came along and stepped on the ice which had already been cracking. After she stepped on it everyone on the ice fell through. It was an experience I'm not willing to relive.

So, instead, I'm going to be auditioning for a role in an upcoming film directed by Pauly Shore. They say he just might be the next Spielberg. There's tons of roles up for grabs, so who wants to come with me?

WOW, thanks! I always wanted to be in the movies... wait, the phone's ringing.. hey guess what, that was Madonna, she wants me to play the lead role in The English Roses, so I have to pass.
But I can make you an offer you CAN'T refuse, an extreme makeover performed by Michael Jackson's personal surgeon, I'm having it done for the third time, you can get hooked onthis stuff, do join me!

03-14-2006, 03:30 PM
WOW, thanks! I always wanted to be in the movies... wait, the phone's ringing.. hey guess what, that was Madonna, she wants me to play the lead role in The English Roses, so I have to pass.
But I can make you an offer you CAN'T refuse, an extreme makeover performed by Michael Jackson's personal surgeon, I'm having it done for the third time, you can get hooked onthis stuff, do join me!

I'd love to, he already did my nose five times.........oops. I forgot I already have an appointment with Dr. Phil to find out why I am so concerned with my looks. I do have a special engagement later on today to meet Paris Hilton for personality coaching. It only cost $2500, cash up front due today. I'll pay your way, wanna come?

03-14-2006, 06:26 PM
No, Paris and I had a huge fight because I made fun of her little dog, her wardrobe and her conceited attitude. Don't know why that would piss her off!

But if you'd like to go crocodile hunting with me in some southern swamp complete with quicksand where the crocs haven't been fed in days, I'd love to have you come along!

03-14-2006, 07:45 PM
Rhymegirl, I already have an alligator purse and shoes, so I'm afraid I'll pass.

But I just got an invitation in the mail to a Shriner's Midget Speedway Racing Fundraiser! Wanna come?


03-14-2006, 07:55 PM
Not on your life!

I had to wait eight weeks for an appointment with Marcel at Bow Wow Boutique and my pet badger Marshmallow Puff needs a trim, shampoo and blow-dry. Why don't you bring along your wolverine? I hear Andre has an opening!

03-14-2006, 09:08 PM
Sorry, counsel has advised I not take the wolverine for any more grooming sessions.

I thought I'd spend the afteroon inhaling mold spores. Want to share some?

03-14-2006, 09:43 PM
I thought I'd spend the afteroon inhaling mold spores. Want to share some?

Sorry, dahling, mold spores are SO last year! Didn't you know that THIS season EVERYONE is into monkey eyes marinated in elephant's urine - for that healthy yellow glow to the skin! I'm off to the health spa for a$3000 session, you're welcome to join me, my friend Gwynneth will be there.

03-14-2006, 09:51 PM
That's not the same Gwyneth who stabbed me by accident on several occasions, is it? Wow, she's a real hottie. But I suspect my feelings for her aren't mutual, so it might be a bit... *awkward*

But if you're free later, maybe we can go to that porpcupine petting zoo I've been hearing about?

03-14-2006, 11:32 PM
Can't, I am banned from that place. I realize now that the fat porcupine isn't the second coming of Christ, and reluctantly tore down my shrine already.

However, I could use some help pulling the lice eggs out of my hair. At least I know now not to buy hairbrushes at a yard sale.

Albedo of Zero
03-15-2006, 12:52 AM
Ewww, no thanks. Here is a magnet and some shampoo fortified with iron; it might help...or not.

While we wait for your suds to soak in, could you hum a tune so I can practice my clog dance?

03-15-2006, 08:00 AM
Hum a tune?! What are you, some sort of wiseguy? Can't you see I don't have lips?? I lost them in a brutal game of "Simon says" last Arbor Day.

*sniff* Now could someone please drive me to my therapist?

03-15-2006, 04:48 PM
I'd love to, but you still have that restraining order against me.

I have all day to babysit 10 obnoxious and energetic children. We're going to "fingerpaint." Can you help me clean up?

03-15-2006, 09:47 PM
Pam, I am surprised you even asked! My court order says I cannot be in the vicinity of children! It's all my sister's fault. She knew I had run out of meds, but no, always trying to look good for my mother.
I need to go to the doctor anyway and have my toe fungus looked at. Would you come and hold my foot?

03-15-2006, 09:57 PM
Oh please, you don't need to go to the doctor. Here, just let me suck that fungus right off your toes. *Slurrrp* See, all better, right?

Now that you've gotten me in the mood, would you like to make a cowboy movie with me?

03-15-2006, 11:13 PM
Of COURSE I would! I love re-hashing the old cowboy themes. Let me just go get my chainsaw:e2chain: ....Oh, gosh and DARN, I..oops SOMEONE forgot to clean the guts off and now it's jammed. I'm so sorry, maybe next time, ok?

Now, tonite, I'd really like someone to go with me down the creepy dirt road, past the dead, moss covered trees, through the swamp, to my crazy great-aunt Phoebe's house to see if we can borrow the chainsaw from my psychotic and disfigured cousin Flagg who just got out of the treatment facility on parole. He's been out of meds for a week and I need to drop those off too. It is only a 4 mile walk in the dark dank swamp. . . .

03-16-2006, 04:25 AM
really, i would love too, but... unfortunately, i must grind my collection of feces with my booger collection to make my own fertilizer. fun, huh? would you like to help me sprinkle the sticky, hard to spread mess over my thirty-thousand acre farm? i could always use an extra hand, and it'll be fun! because my house is twenty miles away from my farm and i have no truck, we can sleep in my own feces, the stomach-churning smell filling our lungs, clothes, hair, eyes, and mouthes. what do you say?

03-16-2006, 04:32 AM
I'll bring the drinks! OH, wait, I forgot I am dumpster diving at a fish market tonight. After today's record high, there should be some good 'uns in there. Wanna come?

03-16-2006, 04:43 AM
This really should have been answered by someone with a cat avatar.

Much as I'd love to come along and sing the Fish Heads song with you, I'm stuck in Traffic. Really. I'm handcuffed to Steve Winwood and Jim Capaldi. Okay, guys, Low Spark - one more time! Anna one, an-na two...

We're starting up a Classic Rock chain gang -- gonna be working the roads with the Yardbirds, Jefferson Airplane, Lynyrd Skynyrd, King Crimson, and The Animals. Coming too? We need a Tambourine Man.

03-16-2006, 04:57 AM
I would king poet, really, but my tambourine is in the shop and I lost my man status when I got boobs..... but hey, I'm going out to the insane asylum later to watch this one guy dress pigeons and squirrels in little boxing gloves. He makes them fight in a little ring made out of a card board box. It's great fun. Who wants to come with??

03-16-2006, 06:45 AM
Sorry, you didn't say Simon says...but I've got some lovely swamp land you may be interested in...Simon Says come on!

03-16-2006, 07:27 AM
Eh, if I feel like visiting a swamp, I just go to my bathroom. It's a fetid, humid funhouse, though the dragonflies can get a bit annoying.

But tomorrow I'm throwing a surprise party for the Muppet Babies? Wanna go?

03-16-2006, 07:11 PM
Gee that sounds like loads of fun, but I don't get along with Miss Piggy. We had a big fight after I said I thought Kermie would make a great purple frog. Oh well, celebrities; what can you do?

Would you like to sit in on a disciplinary hearing? It looks like a real blast! One woman is totally insane and into physical fighting at these things. Come along and bring your cell phone camera. We may be able to sell it to the news...

03-16-2006, 09:43 PM
Alas, I don't have a cell-phone because I've converted to Amish-ism (at least that's what I call it). I can't wait till they teach me to cast magic spells.
In the meantime, would you like to help me milk some udders? I've heard you have some, er... experience with this sort of thing.

03-16-2006, 10:01 PM
Me? No, it's boa constrictors that I milk. In fact, I'm just off to stride through the amazon swamps with my knitting club. We plan a marathon swim among the piranhas, it's really thrilling, you should just feel that adrenaline surge through your body! Why not join me?

03-16-2006, 10:11 PM
I really have to wait until all the open wounds close, the doctor told me no fish bites while I'm healing from the whole skin transplant thing. But, I do have my old skin suit. I'm planning on stuffing it and posing it around park to see how long it takes to start drawing flies. Wanna help?

03-17-2006, 05:42 AM
No thanks, I am off the crazy train, but it is for me to give back by joining the campaign for the re election of Al Gore, can you help?

03-17-2006, 07:10 PM
I really have sworn off all politics, seeing the results of the last few years...but I am going out to plant land mines on Exile Island to brighten up the Survivor's days. Would you come and help me dig holes? We need to get them far enough back on shore so that guts don't spray on the camera.

03-17-2006, 07:46 PM
OMG!!! I was just waiting for someone to invite me to do that, I have my shovel and...oh wait, I promised I'd goto Iraq and paint Saddam Hussein Green for the holiday. If he struggles it will take all day...anyone want to come with me and help?

03-17-2006, 10:06 PM
OOohh, I love it when they struggle, but I've given up painting people for Lent. Just for Lent, though. When Easter rolls around, you better watch out!

In the meantime, I'm going to do some time-travelling. Don't worry, I've done it before (hee hee). Who wants to meet their parents as kids?

03-17-2006, 10:10 PM
Arrrrggh! <Ruth, who has enough problem with her adult parents, runs screaming from the room...>

Um, no thanks. After reading two pages of this thread in one sitting, I went up and puked in the toilet and it clogged and now there's, um, really dirty stuff all over the bathroom. I need some help cleaning it up. Can I count on you?

03-17-2006, 10:22 PM
No, I just cleaned out that Bombay sewer i told you about. I had to scrape this brown yucky stuff from the walls with my fingernails, as I was not provided with the necessary tools. Now I need a manicure; can you help?

03-17-2006, 10:44 PM
I could do what they do for people with frostbite and pee on your hands if you'd like. . . but a manicure? Sorry.

Would you like to join me in the Celine Dion thread and poke fun at the skinny Canadian songbird?

(I'm just kidding Jenna! Don't boot me off. . . .)

03-17-2006, 11:02 PM
No thank you! The last time I did that my thread was moved to Office Party where William, Rich and LanternJack roasted me alive.

I have to clean the cat pan. I haven't been home for two weeks. Would you clean the walls around the pan where my cat sprayed?

03-17-2006, 11:32 PM
I don't remember that happening, but I would never roast anybody alive. I try to create a tranquil setting when I dine. Somebody screaming in my oven would ruin my appetite. Well butchered and well trimmed is the job of...well...my butcher.

03-18-2006, 12:58 AM
Though Rich did not invite me to the butcher (for this I am glad because I really wondered what his motives were when I saw him inviting that woman last week), I would have declined the invitation due to a really rotten attitude about being flayed. I just got my new skin suit all healed up. Now, that taken care of, who wants to go out to route 5 and shovel up all the road kill? I have a fun party game where we try and figure out what they were then we cook them, eat'em, and see if we were right. Who's up for it? Huh? It's a party.

03-18-2006, 02:13 AM
thanks, but i was up all night playing the 'roadkill game.' instead, do you want to go through the tedious process of tearing down a cement wall using only a needle? much more fun, and think of all the fun we'll have... you and me... spending five thousand hours, together, alone, talking about cement? fun, right? come on, what do you say?

03-18-2006, 03:53 AM
I would but I have a bad staff infection on my fingers, from the last time tried to tear down a concrete wall with a toothpick. Doctors told me to find a new hobby.

So I have decided to start my own car dealership by stealing cars from the gang, the Crypts. I hear low riders are fun to steal, wanna ride along?

03-18-2006, 04:13 AM
But I love the Crypts. I have all their CD's, even the Christmas album they did with Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Stealing from just doesn't sit well with me, sorry :(

But I've been meaning to ask you, and I keep forgetting, but will you marry me? If so, then I'd like to invite everyone to our wedding. Cordially, of course. I already have a registry set up at K-marts (I also like Oreo's).

Yay, I'm getting married, won't my parents be surprised!
R.S.V.P now!

03-18-2006, 04:14 AM
Oh no, this was bound to happen! Unique, I will not let you ruin my wedding plans, Grrrr. >: (
BY the way, you're invited.

03-18-2006, 04:16 AM
Great, now you deleted your post, so it looks like I'm insane. I hate that >: ( Grrr.

03-18-2006, 05:05 AM
But I've been meaning to ask you, and I keep forgetting, but will you marry me? If so, then I'd like to invite everyone to our wedding. Cordially, of course. I already have a registry set up at K-marts (I also like Oreo's).

I'm sure Unique won't marry you, so I'll answer for her. NO thanks.

I am a human flea protection tester. It's an easy job, they put me in a huge vat of fleas and test products on me. Today it was a generic flea collar - boy does that need more work!

I'm so infected from all the bites I have to call in sick tomorrow. If I don't get someone to cover for me, I'll lose this gig. Tomorrow is easy ...powder day. Any volunteers?

03-18-2006, 06:48 PM
No thanks. Collars I can do, but I'm allergic to powder.

Speaking of gigs, I'm a musician, and I'm playing viola in the orchestra for Andy Floyd Heber's new hit, "Cats and Dogs." Six hours of screeching and fighting on the stageógreat stuff! I've got two spare tickets. Would you like to see the show?

03-18-2006, 07:03 PM
I love musicals! Are there lots of costumes? Dancing? Choreographed moves are so fascinating to watch!

I wish I could go, but unfortunately I have commited myself to a local project. See, all the local newspapers got wet during Katrina, and I have to re-type copies of the dailys, going back to 1908. The good news is I get $5.00 per hour and can hire an assistant! We'll split the take! Interested?

03-18-2006, 08:14 PM
Pam, youre gonna haf to do that one alone! I haven't received my new See-n-say glasses yet (the specs that tell you what you are seeing) and I can't see a thing.

I'm going to the open house at the new crematorium here in town. "Burnits." There is a tour of the ovens you won't want to miss! Come with me!! Check out the racks.

03-18-2006, 09:31 PM
i would love to come... but, unfortunately, i can't stand hot rooms... even if i could stand taking the tour with you, i have plans to go tast the hottest hot sauce in the world. it's located at the north pole (that's why the polar ice caps are melting...). so, what do you say? want to test that sucker with me?

Danger Jane
03-19-2006, 11:27 AM
Terribly sorry, but spicy food causes my toes to swell most uncomfortably and then if I happen to wear sandals although it is mid-March and still about thirty degrees I will have ugly toes. Would you like to come help me bathe my giraffe instead?

03-19-2006, 08:40 PM
No, I'm allergic to the smell of wet hay.

I"ve taken on a government assignment to prove that shoe size doesn't matter, and in fact, is personal preference. I usually wear a size 8, but I've commited myself to wearing a size 6 pump for a full month. We need someone to do 6 narrow, any volunteers?

Danger Jane
03-20-2006, 12:22 AM
Unfortunately, that would cause breakage of either the shoe or the foot. We can do Sheryl Crow impressions instead...

03-20-2006, 01:39 AM
No thanks.

After "All I wanna do, is have some fun......." I'm lost on her stuff.

I'm going to sit in this chair, on a hunger strike until I get an agent for my book. Since its already been 2 years, it's good thing I ate a big lunch.

Care to join me?

03-20-2006, 03:37 AM
Pam I am gonna have to turn you down again! So sorry. I have a steak for supper and I have been looking forward to it all day. Besides I am on low-carb and can eat all I want and still lose weight. I'm down to 29 lbs. Anybody care to join me for a bacon fest?

03-20-2006, 03:40 AM
oh man, i really would... but i'm a vegetarian...

but there's other fun we can do. want to come with me to new york and scrub all the piss and sh!t (sorry anyone that i offended...) off the walls? thousands and thousands of blocks, just encrusted with feces... i think i'll even want to start a feces collection that you can organize. so, what do you say? care to join me?

03-20-2006, 03:53 AM
I think I'll pass... pun intended.

But I've got a new gig helping to revive the old Schoolhouse Rock series. I'm writing and recording a grunge-style musical tribute to the Dewey Decimal System. Want to grab a flannel shirt and join the band?

03-20-2006, 06:04 AM
I would, but the guy who's wearing the flannel shirt won't give it to me. He says he needs it. You'd think he'd listen to reason, but I think I might need to use force. Who wants to represent me in court after I take his shirt?

Danger Jane
03-20-2006, 08:00 AM
Ouch, I'd love to, but see that's an iPod charging day. And God knows how I love to watch that little picture of a battery fill up. Can't do.

But if you want to help me replace burned-out lightbulbs in things that'd be cool.

03-20-2006, 07:12 PM
I'd like to help but I'm a reformed bi-polar Buddhist Luddite and not only do I not believe in lightbulbs but I also don't believe I should believe in you.

While I'm walking here on these marshmallows, contemplating the reasons behind me, would someone care to join me for a brunch of pulled pork barbecue and rutabagas?

03-20-2006, 07:16 PM
Can't. The last time I ate pork I was food poisoned. The memory of having delusions of multi-colored swine still give me night sweats.

Anyway, I have a blockage in my sewer line. My arms not quite long enough to grab that hunk of crap out of there. Anyone?

03-20-2006, 09:52 PM
Pam, I wish I could but my therapist has warned me not to give in to peer pressure. Also, crap tends to smell and I don't like that (except for mine, which smells like honey).

But after work I was hoping to conduct M&M taste tests. I'm convinced you can tell what color the M&M is just by tasting it. Wanna volunteer?

03-20-2006, 10:10 PM
But after work I was hoping to conduct M&M taste tests. I'm convinced you can tell what color the M&M is just by tasting it. Wanna volunteer?

Um, sacredmime? You're supposed to post invitations that we want to decline...

Where can we meet you for this M&M tasting gig? I'm sure I won't be alone. ;)

I'll have to decline Pam's wonderful offer, though. I just unclogged my toilet yesterday, and I've used up my quota of swear words for the entire year.

That's too bad, because it's bath time for my kitties, and that's always a fun event. I have the toe-to-head leather armour all ready. Can anyone help me out?

03-20-2006, 10:19 PM
Pshaw! You don't need leather armor to bathe a cat. I bathe mine all of the time and all I get is nasty looks. I'll come over and show you my secret. . .


I just got a notice that I have to audit your 2000 thru 2005 tax returns. The IRS has decided you've been hiding too much income. Listen, why don't you sit there with that lovely, yet dirty cat, and wait for my team of auditors to get there and then you can show me every place you cheated!

So it's ok, you'll wait for me...riiiight??????

03-20-2006, 11:56 PM
Ha! I'm the worst record keeper in the world. My plan is to keep you waiting so long, while I look for my old tax returns..........that you'll just give up and leave!

I'm sick of paying several dollars per gallon of gas. From now on I'm walking everywhere. So what if I make my living as UPS driver.

Care to help me pull the mail cart?????

03-21-2006, 01:19 AM
Man, Pam - I would sooo love to, but there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit yet another yoke around my neck. Plus, I don't think I could drag that UPS truck up hills anyway.

And besides, I have an appointment with a she-demon who killed my worthless muse and now sits on my shoulder, pulling strips of my brain out through little holes she's bit into my skull. When chewed for a small period of time, these strips imbibe you with ideas for great stories.

Want to share a strip of brain jerky with me?

03-21-2006, 01:37 AM
Normally I would, but I've spent hours in those 'Monday meetings' where we pick each other's brains and well, I'm full of it.

Any one want to join me in a brain emetic?

03-21-2006, 02:18 AM
Sure, what is it anyway?

Oh, I forgot. I already commited myself. I'm donating my body to science.

Could someone watch over my corpse to to make sure it's used for the intended purpose?

Danger Jane
03-21-2006, 03:01 AM
I'm sorry, but I am allergic to science. Strange, isn't it?

Also I've got a terrible phobia of bugs that go into dead bodies.

Want to move my entire music library one song at a time?

Only 723 more to go!!

03-21-2006, 04:37 AM
Sorry I don't eat jerky. You never know where they dried it--coulda be they dried it hanging over somewhere ah, dirty.

I'm gonna run over to my neighbor's, the 300lb guy who looks like a wrestler and collects guns and knives, and tell him to stop parking in my parking place. Wanta come with? Maybe we could borrow that leather armour that was mentioned earlier, that would be so cool...
PS So anyway about three people beat me to this post!!! I'm not changin it!

03-21-2006, 06:44 AM
Gosh, I like putting 300lb brutes in their place, but I'm going to be busy helping nance with her music library.

Oh no, I just got a text message -- my baby nephew ate a chia pet and now has green stuff coming out his ears! Anyone want to help? Q-tip 911!!

Danger Jane
03-21-2006, 08:29 AM
Aww, shoot, I so would, but my phone's out of service. No 911 for me!

We could ride my giraffe to the hospital, though...if it was CLEAN. Anyway, who wants to write an essay about how Edmond Dantes changes so I pass MCAS??

03-21-2006, 08:32 AM
Hey, I'd really like to - in fact I had one already (here's one I prepared earlier!), but it was lost in Dantes Inferno. I have no time to write another, because I'm starting in-house rehab for addiction to puns. Want to be my roommate?

Danger Jane
03-21-2006, 08:35 AM
I would, but I use a lot of puns. Can't have you relapsing, huh?

Want to inhale chemicals for me so I know if they're poisonous or not before I do the chem lab?

September skies
03-21-2006, 08:59 AM
maybe after the tylenol-sinus meds kick in -- right now, can't smell a dang thing.

while we wait - wanna join me in a hot tub? I heard the steam does wonders for stuffy heads.

03-21-2006, 07:37 PM
while we wait - wanna join me in a hot tub? I heard the steam does wonders for stuffy heads.

I would, except I heard on the radio that, when the water in those filthy things is tested, there is a 99.9% chance of finding feces. No thanks!

I have decided to learn more about Quantum Physics. I believe I can stop a moving vehicle with my particles. Care to witness?

03-21-2006, 10:39 PM
I sure believe you. I'll set up a remote operated camera to record this historic event as my fairy godmother told me she's going to turn me into a beautiful butterfly. Then I will take my gossamer wings and fly around about 60 feet above the pentagon singing 'All We Need is Love'. I need someone to harmonize with me. Anyone else believe in faries?

03-21-2006, 10:45 PM
Sure, I believe. We all know Lantern Jack. But I'm sorry, I don't wanna' go. . . . the pentagon shoots back these days.

I need someone to help me get the yard into shape for spring. Care to help?

03-21-2006, 10:55 PM
What shape did you decide on? I have some huge cookie cutters I can bring over, oh, wait............

I have to help my daughter with her SCIENCE PROJECT. ANY IDEAS?

Danger Jane
03-22-2006, 01:37 AM
Gosh, I'd help but science makes me pretty angry right now. Due to the teacher's lack of comprehension...about ANYTHING.

I'm going to Italy in three weeks and I still don't know Italian. Who wants to teach me??

03-22-2006, 03:56 AM
sorry, all i know is spanish.

that reminds me, i get to work as a latino worker on a pig farm tomarrow to help me with my second -- or is it third? -- language. i get to muck out the stalls -- do pigs have stalls -- and i get to make and test the slop. want to come?

03-22-2006, 04:18 AM
I'd be happy as a pig in... well, you'll find out just how happy. But I'm making party tapes by letter. Hmmm: 'Menudo'... 'Men Without Hats'... 'Marilyn Manson'... 'Manfred Mann's Earth Band'... Mozart...

I need some help with the 'Q' bands. Come along and spin the platters that matter!

03-22-2006, 04:20 AM
No thanks. "Q" is such a wimpy letter -- I'd rather do "S" or "T," if that's all right with you. My teens are having a sleepover tonight. Wanna come and help supervise?

03-22-2006, 04:22 AM
No thanks, my wellies are in the shop getting a blowout repaired. I have heard pig slop is explosive anyway and I wouldn't want to be picked up for playing with explosives.
Anybody want to take my mother to the grocery store? She has decreased her shopping time to four hours. The senior bus is down.

03-22-2006, 04:24 AM
You get a choice! You win the multiple post prize! An appearance on "Deal or No Deal." Tell Howie Hi!!!

03-22-2006, 05:40 AM
Anybody want to take my mother to the grocery store? She has decreased her shopping time to four hours. The senior bus is down.

Oh, just give me the list.

I don't have time to mess around, there's 500 bulbs to plant in the yard. HELP!

03-22-2006, 07:55 PM
That sounds fun indeed! Only 500 though. We'll have to devise some kind of pattern....oops, there goes my cell phone. just a sec..

Huh..uh huh....
Listen, my minion just called and we have a bunch of bodies to dispose of. Nothing serious, just some out of control weapons grade disease microbes got loose is all.....

Listen with these bulbs and these bodies...I have an IDEA, anyone want to help us BOTH do some planting? I don't have any biohazard suits though. . .

03-22-2006, 10:01 PM
Shoot, I love getting rid of evidence, but I sold my last biohazard suit on e-bay.

Maybe later on, you can drop by, get me drunk, and take some blackmail pictures of me? Y'know, just for fun, of course.

03-22-2006, 10:03 PM
Oh, dear. The camera is out of film. I'm sorry I can't oblige.

I do have two tickets on Aeroflot to tour Siberia. Like to join me?

03-22-2006, 10:14 PM
Not really. It's colder there than it is here in Canada, right? But my daughter just got back from Cuba, so I'm gonna be a real nice mom and let her go with you. <insert evil grin here>

While she's gone, I have to clean her room. (BTW, I'm the one who bought sacredmime's biohazard suit off ebay.) I've got about two year's accumulation of rat litter, dirty clothes and empty water bottles to sort through. Please, please, please! Somebody help me!

03-22-2006, 10:34 PM
I would really like to but I'm not allowed in teenage girl's rooms anymore after that panty raid fiasco. Sorry. Have you asked Lantern Jack?

I really would like to have a live-in maid. The pay ain't much, and there is no benefits. . . . but the view is nice overlooking the scenic Harpeth River.

03-22-2006, 11:16 PM
I'm going to have to pass it up this time. I am allergic to chemicals. Comet and windex mixed make me pass out. Plus I get a rash with gloves and would I clean your toilet without them?? I don't think so missy!!

I am doing research on hibernating bears. Anyone up for a trip to the mountains? We can poke around in some bear dens and see what comes up. It could be exciting with the sows all having cubs this time of year.

03-23-2006, 12:14 AM
Sure. I'm perfect for the job. I'm so obsessive-compulsive that finding things like four year old cheese cake trapuntoed to the bottom of your sofa cushions will make me happy!!! Please tell me you haven't washed the dishes in three weeks.

And I'm a good cook. So as soon as I get the apartment clean I'm inviting all of your AW friends over for barbecued subway rabbit....so how many are coming anyway????

Danger Jane
03-23-2006, 04:36 AM
I'd tell you, but that'd be mean :S

Who wants to make sure I don't have more than 1500 calories tomorrow?

03-23-2006, 05:32 AM
Sorry, but I'm not into cannibalis- oh, wait, you must mean don't CONSUME more than 1500 calories.

No way! I know better than to get between a dieter and tasty food. But I'm going to see if I can get between some fools and their money. So much to do! Who's with me?

03-23-2006, 07:16 AM
I'm really sorry. You can't get between me and my money because I don't have any.

So I'm going to sit on a subway vent in Toronto and beg for spare change. Wanna keep me company?

03-23-2006, 08:10 AM
Oh no, I stay away from subway vents. One good updraft would blow my skirt up a la Marilyn Monroe, and I'd never want to show my unmentionables :(

How about we go to the penitentiary and incite a prison riot?

03-23-2006, 08:10 PM
Men's Pen...right????? Sure!! I'm in! Sounds like a lot of fun....like that 'Thin Lizzie' song....'oh tonite there's gonna be a jail break.......' whips...check...chains..check.... fishnet stockings...????

Gee, I'm sorry, I can't go without the proper attire. Alas. Now i have to go shopping at the mall. Wanna come with? After we buy stockings we can go to the 'Turnip Factory' for lunch. They specialize in 18th century peasant food from Czarist Russia. If we're lucky we'll get a side of onion and dandelion leaf gruel with the spoiled turnip cake.

03-23-2006, 09:25 PM
So sorry, J. Dandelion makes me break out.

Anyone wanna help me clean out my septic tank?


03-24-2006, 02:25 AM
Not this time Cheryll--the last time I did that it cost $7000 and I tracked funky mud all over the house.

Anybody want to go to an art show here in Denver that features real human bodies with the tissue replaced by plastic? Some of the positions of the ??? are quite ingenious.

this one is true!

Danger Jane
03-24-2006, 04:17 AM
I would, but...uuh...I'm allergic to art :| The old allergies excuse again.

Who wants to help me find some allergy meds so I can go to the art exhibit?

03-24-2006, 04:56 AM
i'd would... but i'm stuck at an art show at my own house. grr...

would you like to come help me aviod a girl that thinks she's my friend? we can set up an elaborate trap that is done just as she is leaving... come one, come all! what do you say?

Danger Jane
03-24-2006, 05:09 AM
Golly, I would, but I'm no good in that department. After people follow me for too long without taking hints, I just asplode.

Want to help me learn to control my temper? :P

03-24-2006, 05:58 PM
I would love to, but that's something you have to do for yourself.

I'll be spending much of my day doing a fundraiser for my daughter's school. Man, those kindergarden kids sure have a hard time with money. Who wants to come along and help me give change?

03-24-2006, 07:37 PM
Sorry, dragon. I am NO good at math!

Hey, folks! It's spring cleaning time! Who wants to help me wash 34 windows? (inside AND out)

**waits patiently with a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Windex**


03-24-2006, 08:01 PM
I'm game...but that windex...whoo no. Bad for the environment and your hands!

now what I have here is 300 balloons filled to the top with white vinegar. That will clean the windows. Now I shall heave them at your house... ******crash, crash, crash...tinkle tinkle tinkle.....****** OOPS, that was your NEIGHBOR"S HOUSE? *****hides behind Cheryll****** and is that your angry neighbor's B.F.G.? *****hands Cheryll several balloons*********

Hey! anyone want to distract Cheryll's neighbor whilst I run away? Oh yeah...protect Cheryll toooooooooooooooooooo..............

03-24-2006, 09:05 PM
Chery's neighbors can have you! Oh look! Dogs!

Quick, hide in my underground bunker after you give me all your identification. I need your shirt, smeared with some of that blood from the nasty gash you received when all the windows broke. You can trust me, I'll be back for you when the coast is clear. Oh yeah, what's your pin and routing number at the bank, your car might need gas?

03-24-2006, 11:50 PM
No thanks to that little proposition. I have no desire for a roof and three squares of cardboard food with 70 cellmates who don't bathe.

Can I see a show of hands for all who would like to attend the "We are going broke" budget meeting? They are serving water and well...water.

Danger Jane
03-25-2006, 12:01 AM
Sorry. I only drink Pepsi on the weekends.

Who wants unlock the mysteries of black holes with me?

03-25-2006, 12:30 AM
I would, really, but see, I have to go and have my horns filed down so no one knows that I'm really a.... anyway, who wants to come out to come over and be a target while I practice my knife throwing? I'm very good. You just have to be really still on the big spinning wheel. Oh, and bring a suture kit and some gauze.

03-25-2006, 12:31 AM
Quantum Singularities are tres cool but I'm about to calculate the square root of 22/7 on this abacus.

Wouldst thou carest to assist my endeavor?

Danger Jane
03-25-2006, 12:38 AM
No, because that's pi and pi is way too long to make sense to me.

Does anyone want to call up Verizon and ask why Fort Myers, FL is having phone problems?

03-28-2006, 07:35 PM
No, I'd better not. Vladimir Lenin is tapping my phone calls, you see.

But I have a plan. I'm covering my house with aluminum foil, then I will spray a polyurethane coat over the top. It will maintain the reflectivity while blocking the thoughts that Lenin is trying to broadcast to me while I sleep.
Do you want ot move in with me before he starts talking to you????

03-28-2006, 10:04 PM
No thanks, his voice is drowned out in the sea of other voices in my head anyway.

By the way, I'm trying to gain some new multiple personalities. The old one is too 80's. Can I try out a few on you?

04-01-2006, 08:59 AM
I would but I have to plot my revenge on a few fellas who were planning on hanging me out as a decoy.... I know where they live. Think I might swing by and set a couple bags of squirrels loose in their houses. Want to help me gather squirrels? I have the bags right here. This one is for Robeiae and this one is for BF.

04-01-2006, 09:56 PM
I would, but I already have a bad reputation with my fellow squirrels, if you know what I mean :(

I'm going to conduct some blind taste tests with some deaf-mutes. Whadda you say?

04-01-2006, 10:38 PM
I don't watch TV, and anyway the mute button is broken since my son threw the remote at the wall.

I thought I would go to the library and have some fun ripping out the last pages of a few books. Wanta go with?

Danger Jane
04-02-2006, 08:26 PM
I would if I hadn't already filled my sadism quota for the week. Too bad!

Who wants to solder burst pipes with me??

04-02-2006, 10:55 PM
You know, my favorite fumes are solder fumes, but I always manage to get burned. How about we take a ride down to the ocean and troll for sharks? Who wants to be the bait?

04-03-2006, 02:58 AM
Would love to, but I'm allergic to trolls.

So, I'm off to transcribe the Bible into rebus. Want to help?

04-03-2006, 03:29 AM
Sorry, poet, I'm already busy making a pop-up version of the kama sutra. maybe later ?

Speaking of which, I'm going to need some models for that pop-up book. Any brave volunteers?

04-03-2006, 03:40 AM
I'd love to, but the last time I modeled for a project like that, the other models all took off screaming. They still can't find one of them...

Right now I'm clearing out my basement. It's full of fifteen years' worth of assorted school papers and junk mail and unpaid bills that need to be sorted. I could use a few helpers...

04-03-2006, 04:04 AM
really, i would love to, but unfortunately, i had my dose of school papers yesterday.

who wants to go with me to breakfast and listen to screaming kids for an hour -- screaming kids -- then go to the outlet mall -- screaming kids -- and listen to screaming kids as you deny your size and try to -- screaming kids -- put on pants that are to small for you and -- screaming kids -- be stuck next to a bawling brat as you go through the -- screaming kids -- checkout line that -- screaming kids -- is twice as long as a -- screaming kids -- football field. then go -- screaming kids -- back to my house to find your three screaming cousins who scream for five hours. screaming kids all day long. what -- screaming kids -- do --screaming kids -- you -- screaming kids -- say -- screaming kids?

04-03-2006, 08:53 PM
I wish I could help you, but I couldn't hear a darn word you said over those screaming kids.

Later on I'm going to make a new dance form that mixes tap-dancing with lap-dancing. It's outrageous and daring! Wanna help?

04-04-2006, 03:25 AM
You know, I would. But I put away my leather chaps and my pole.

Who wants to go to the aviary at the zoo covered in birdseed?

04-04-2006, 03:27 AM
I appreciate the invitation, however, a friend has asked me to lance several boils, scrape his feet and cut his hair using a Flobee. Plus, he's got all three seasons of "What's Happening?" on DVD. That could be an afternoon.

I've got two tickets to the Barry Manilow, Liza Minelli and Clay Aiken show. Can I count on you?

04-04-2006, 06:41 PM
I'd love to but Bambi has an AK47 and is looking for you...gotta run.

Oh look my feet are now sweaty and in need of a pedicure....would anyone volunteer, I hurt my back and can't reach my feet!

Alien Enigma
05-07-2006, 11:43 AM
It's funny that you'd bring that up. I'm already kinda' committed. I have a kidney stone that I have to work on passing.

Tuesday, I'm going to go in a bear cave to see if I can wake up a bear in hibernation. I need a picture in their natural form. Anyone busy Tuesday?

05-09-2006, 11:40 AM
Thankyou for inviting me, I love bears, but I've got rather a lot to do on Tuesday. So sorry that I can't make it. Maybe we could get together another time?

Would anyone like to come with me and climb Snowdon in Wales? It won't take us long to get to Wales from England, Scotland, North America, Australia, etc. Even better if you live in Wales. The weather is much improved now, and I don't think it would take us too long to reach the summit. We can take a picnic and eat it at the top ... I assume you have a good strong pair of walking boots?

05-09-2006, 06:32 PM
Yep, I do have great hiking boots. Got them at REI! But, you see, there's still 99 pints of ale on the wall...99 pints of ale...

Who wants to take out the *hic* bot's af'er I funshed..finugeek..funwerty..FINISHED!!! dis...*hic* *urp*...

05-11-2006, 12:21 AM
Sounds like loads of fun. Unfortunately, I had a traumatic experience with a sculpture made out of beer bottles several years ago and I can't go near them now without screaming and running into walls repeatedly.

Speaking of which, there's a used murder weapons sale at the local police station. Want to go bargain hunting? I really need a good ax.

07-17-2006, 12:50 PM
Oh, I really do need some new weaponry. Unfortunately, my mugshot is all over the place. Dratted witnesses.

Speaking of which, would you like to come with to help me "persuade" some of them not to testify?

07-17-2006, 11:02 PM
I would, except I think I'm one of the witnesses you'll be trying to persuade, and I'm hiding from you.

I'm having a great time playing tiddlywinks in the bomb shelter, though, but it's a little lonely. Anyone care to join me?

07-17-2006, 11:05 PM
I would really love to, honest, but my tiddly hasn't winked in years and I'm not so sure I remember how.

But I'd love a long walk on a short pier, anyone interested?

07-17-2006, 11:14 PM
Well, it's good of you to invite me, MM, but I'm just not very good company at the moment. However, please do come over and let me trial some new recipes on you.

07-17-2006, 11:21 PM
New recipies? Wow, um, you know I'd love to -- seriously. It's just that I have all these lactose intolerances, then there's the kidney stone issue -- one really can't be too careful what one eats, you know. Unless you meant chocolate?

How's about someone heads on over here and gives me a nice back massage?

07-18-2006, 01:50 AM
I'd love to give you a massage, but I have these warts all over my fingers. Wouldn't you rather come to my place for a game of Scrabble?

07-18-2006, 03:40 PM
Oh, I'd really love to join you, but I'm protesting it until "lol" and "l33t" are in the official Scrabble dictionary.

Speaking of dictionaries, would anyone like to come over and read one with me?

07-18-2006, 06:11 PM
I'd really like to but I'm very exsanguinated at the moment.

Would anyone care to drive to the blood bank and make a withdrawl for me?

07-18-2006, 06:26 PM
A trip to the blood bank would be interesting, but I can't go anywhere until I figure out what "l33t" is. Would you care to come over and help me?

07-19-2006, 07:52 AM
Oooooooh......I'd love to, really I would. But you see, there's this big bald cop looking for me and I have to stay low for a few days.....sorry.

I'm going to be going to this person for fake identification and a little plastic surgery to change my appearance so they can't find me. I can get a bargain 2 for 1 price, wanna come??

07-19-2006, 03:02 PM
Gee, thanks for the invite Angela, but I just did that last week. Gonna go feed some sharks, though, fancy a ride?

07-19-2006, 06:38 PM
You know, I would - but I can't find my swimsuit! Who wants to go shopping for a new one with me?

07-19-2006, 06:57 PM
You know, I love shopping. Fifth Avenue, Rodeo Drive, or Milan?

OOPS!! I just rememberd I have one teenie last thing to work on before I go. Care to help me cipher 22/7 into a number with 1,347,928,516 decimal places then convert the result into binary? The computer is down but I have a pencil.......

07-19-2006, 07:20 PM
You know what - I just did that yesterday while I was balancing my checkbook. Lemme just . . . oh drat, my calculator is out of power.

Wanna built a perpetual motion machine with me?

07-19-2006, 08:52 PM
You know, MM, I'd love to - but I'd rather jump off a cliff.

Anyone want cake?

Elizabeth Slick
07-19-2006, 09:02 PM
Thanks, but, "something suddenly came up."

07-20-2006, 07:29 AM
Looks like Elizabeth had to run off suddenly. Anyone want to join her? I would, but I have this thing against exercise.

Anyway, next week I've got to send my computer to the shop for an upgrade. Anyone interested in coming over and consoling me while this happens. If nothing else, you'll be witness to a full blown panic attack with much nail biting.

07-20-2006, 07:48 AM
Sounds like a scene not to be missed, but I'm running off with Elizabeth to Mexico. Do you want to come with us? Nothing like Tequila for panic attacks, much better than Xanax.

07-20-2006, 07:00 PM
I can't go to Mexico. I have gas. They'd capture me and use it to fuel their industry.

I was going to go and buy a super huge box of 'BEENO', but I'm so flatulent I can not drive. Would you drive me to the store..it is only 3 hours away.....

07-20-2006, 07:03 PM
Sure, okay. I drive a VW Beetle, the most headroom of any vehicle. Gas rises, right? Oh, but wait a sec . . . if I have to duck down too far, I won't be able to see where I'm going. Oh, and wouldn't you know it, it's not a gas car, it's a diesel. When you start passing diesel, give me a ring :)

Someone want to help me with this blender?

07-20-2006, 07:06 PM
I would just love to but I have to write a dissertation on the joys of flatulation

Could you possibly help me take this picture-the blender has ripped off my clothing and the camera is over there on the kitchen table

07-21-2006, 03:11 AM
I'd love to take the picture, but I'm camera phobic and the mere thought of cameras sends me into violent rages. It comes from my terrible childhood - my mother was once run over by a New York Times photographer on his way to cover the King Kong story. I'm in therapy though.

Wanna come to my house for a pajama party this weekend? We can watch Grease. Don't you just love that movie? We can act it out. I wanna be Sandy...

07-21-2006, 05:43 PM
I'd love to but I'm playing 'Janet' in a production of 'Rocky Horror' that we are putting on at the roadhouse biker's bar near the truckstop next to the tracks. But we need a stunt double for 'Frankenfurter' can you fill in?

07-21-2006, 05:51 PM
I'd love to, but all my corsets are in the cleaners this week -- and since my dry cleaner is underneath New York City apartments, he cant use those chemicals that make your hair fall out anymore and he has to clean them by hand ...

By the way -- a bunch of us are getting together to fly to North Korea next week for the missle tests ... Interested???

07-21-2006, 08:25 PM
Sounds like an event not to be missed. Unfortunately, I already have radioactive super powers.

Anyone want to come and help me test them out?

07-21-2006, 09:39 PM
Sounds like fun but I've had an accident with the washing machine - my tights and my cape have been dyed pastel pink and I can't go out like that.

Anybody fancy giving me a hand dealing with the rest of the washing for my 11 Super Kids?

07-21-2006, 10:59 PM
I would love to, but I'm deathly allergic to Oxy-Clean and Tide. I break out in hives.

I need a day off to go to the doctor, can someone work my shift down at the sewage treatment plant please?

07-21-2006, 11:13 PM
Sure, I . . . wait a second, I already work here !

I wish people didn't have this horrid image of where I work.

07-21-2006, 11:21 PM
Granted - from now on I plan on telling everyone Midnight Muse works at the White House... better?

You didnt send out an invitation though ... not that anyone would answer an invitation to the White House anyway

Taurus Rising
07-22-2006, 06:16 AM
I need a day off to go to the doctor, can someone work my shift down at the sewage treatment plant please?

I would, but I have a cageful of gerbils to feed.

My father's grown horns and been classified as a game animal. Hunting seasons about to open. Will someone shot my father and make his end quick and proper?

(with apologies to Al Capp)

07-22-2006, 06:34 AM
You know, under normal conditions, I would be happy to, unfortunately I forgot to renew my Double O License to Kill ... Maybe next time

Hey I have an extra ticket to next week's taping of the Iron Chefs == the mystery food is rancid oysters ... sound good??

07-24-2006, 10:14 PM
Sorry, but I don't have enough time for vomiting on my schedule this month. Maybe next time?

Apparently, my kids had it on their schedule though. Anyone want to help me clean it up?

07-25-2006, 03:07 AM
I'd love to but I'm on my way to Vegas to see Charo

Hey I have an extra ticket -- anyone wanna come?

07-28-2006, 02:30 AM
ooooh...a little cuchie cuchie sounds tempting, but I'm under house arrest.

How about you come over to my house for a little karaoke?

07-28-2006, 02:44 AM
I would love to Vyx but my parole officer wont let me hang out with convicted felons

I was going to catalog my collection of Beanie Babies this weekend - can anyone help?

07-28-2006, 02:49 AM
That sounds like so much fun, except that I have too many fillings, and I always cause hideous feedback. Sorry!

Maybe someone could come and massage my feet for me?

07-28-2006, 02:52 AM
Doubled up again, I'd love to massage your feet, but unfortunately I have a highly developed smell and a very weak stomach ...

I was going to catalog my Beanie Baby Collection this weekend, anyone want to come over and help?

07-28-2006, 02:53 AM
same thing goes for your ears ...

I'm still trying to get help cataloging my Beanie Babies...

07-28-2006, 02:57 AM
I'd love to help catalog your BB's, but your parole officer won't let you hang out with convicted felons...

Does anyone want to join me for dinner at Denny's?

07-28-2006, 03:05 AM
I would except I already ate -- chocolate ice cream and squid salad ... yummy ...

Would anyone like to go hang out at the mall with me and rate guy's butts?

07-28-2006, 08:56 PM
You know that is my favorite passtime!
Alas I promised a gay friend that I'd be his 'fag-hag' for two weeks while his regular 'hag' is on her honeymoon. We'll be going to his favorite bar and rating (plus really dishing on) the butts there. Wanna come?

07-29-2006, 03:05 AM
I would love to but I am afraid I might run into my mother there ... it's her favorite place too ...

Who would like to come over and help me bathe my two shih tzus?

08-01-2006, 02:11 AM
Sorry, but two is an unlucky number for me. If you had three?

I'm on my way to convince Wrigley's to make a "Triplemint" gum, anyone interested in coming with?

08-01-2006, 02:30 AM
I'd love to but today's my day to be the cub scout den mother -- today we are earning knot tying badges (grins wickedly)

Would anyone like to come over tonight for a nice game of naked co ed wesson oil twister?

08-01-2006, 06:39 AM
I don't believe it!!! oil twister is my favourite passtime! Gosh I'd really love to come over but I've been warned off it by my doctor (plays havoc with my psoriasis)

How about coming over mine for a delicious game of strip scrabble...

08-01-2006, 07:02 AM
Thakns fer teh invtie bot i cnat spel gud

It's supposed to be 104 here tomorrow - anyone want to come cut my lawn and pull weeds?

08-01-2006, 07:43 AM

08-01-2006, 05:44 PM
I'd love to come cut your weeds, unfortunately my arm infections have turned gangrenous and I'll have to have them amputated.

Anyone want some newly unemployed leeches?

08-01-2006, 07:49 PM
Sure. My neighbor has been looking rather ruddy recently. I'll come over and pick them up after work. I'm trying to get fired from the pet store. Anyone want to come in and help me put peanut butter on the parrots?

08-01-2006, 08:49 PM
Wow, you know I'd love to. But ever since that incident I had with the parrot's head and the resident cat - birds get nervous around me. Was it really my fault I sutured his head back on facing his buttocks? How's about you come help me find some new jeans that will make my own arse look amazing, would you?

08-01-2006, 10:51 PM
Thanks for the offer, but I'm afraid we might run into Naomi Campbell and get hit with a cell phone.

I'm thinking about having a chili cook-off this weekend. Would anyone like to come and be the judge? Lots of beans to taste...

08-02-2006, 12:50 AM
Are you using hot sauce? I love chili, but I'm a wuss about hot sauce.

How's about, when you're done there, you come help me instal a fan in my attic crawl space? :D

08-02-2006, 12:57 AM
I would love to unfortunately I'm seriously claustrophobic - another bad childhood incident. I was once locked in an attic accidently. With four kids in the house, it took a week before my parents noticed me missing.

Anyone interested in helping me alphabetize my stamp collection by country?

08-02-2006, 01:09 AM
I'd love to, but I'm geographically challenged. Do they still call it Morroco? And if there's a New Mexico, where the heck is the Old Mexico?

Wanna come hem my new jeans for me?

08-02-2006, 01:14 AM
Thanks, I would love to but I have a serious case of Sleeping Beautyitis and if I should happen to prick my finger on the needle, I might never wake up. Just cut them and use a stapler.

Would anyone like to come clean out my compost heap?

08-02-2006, 02:20 AM
I'd do it, but I'd have to get drunk first and I'm out of beer.

Would you go to the store for me?

08-02-2006, 02:30 AM
I'm sorry --- I would but it's 99 degrees out and there is no beer left in New York

Would you like to go Christmas shopping for my 5 year old neice? She loves Barbie.

08-02-2006, 05:12 AM
Yeah sure, but I have to go repot a plant.

Would someone walk my dogs?

08-02-2006, 06:58 AM
Sorry but I have three very jealous dogs of my own.

Anyone interested in camping out the landfill with me?

08-02-2006, 08:30 AM
Oh, I'd love to, but I just got these new boots and well, y'know...can't quite walk in 'em yet.

Anyone wanna help me break in my 6" heels?

08-02-2006, 08:34 AM
I'm busy but I think Mistress Victoria is available - I think she can help you with that black leather corset you bought too

Anyone interested in having breakfast here tomorrow? We'ree going to fry eggs on the sidewalk

08-02-2006, 08:43 AM
Omelette a la concrete? My favorite! Oooo...sorry though with my skin I'll fry faster than the egg.

Anyone wanna come over and slather on my SPF 3000 sunscreen?

08-02-2006, 08:46 AM
I'd love to but I was outside in my garden yesterday clearing weeds and I'm afraid I ran across a rather large patch of poison ivy.

Anyone want to go with me on the mental illness walkathon this weekend?

08-02-2006, 09:52 AM
I like walking, but I'm actually against mental illness, so I'll pass, thanks.

But I'll be judging the Miss Dalek Look-A-Like Contest this weekend. I think I can get you into the meet-the-contestants ice cream social. Are your spats pressed and ready?

08-02-2006, 10:27 AM
Oh and that sounds like so much fun too! Unfortunately after the Walkathon, I have to wash my hair ...

How about next weekend? We could go to the Star Trek convention - do you still have your Klingon costume??

08-02-2006, 10:40 AM
Rats... it's at the cleaners. It's a little worse for wear after the Probing Uranus exhibit.

But I've got my rainbow suspenders and giant egg... want to go see "Mork & Mindy On Ice"?

08-02-2006, 10:43 AM
Oh gee ... Im WAY too young to know who Mork and Mindy are ...

How about coming over here and we can volunteer at the annual cub scout pancake breakfast, garage sale and knot tying contest? I hear Mistress Victoria is one of the knot tying judges.

08-02-2006, 10:50 AM
I'd love too, but Mistress Victoria gave me an awful fright when she was teaching me how to walk in my boots. I mean really, did she have to bring that whip? *shudder*

Anyone want to help me conquer my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to this incident with Miss Victoria?

08-02-2006, 11:03 AM
Sure - oh, wait, POST-traumatic? Sorry, I can only deal with PRE-traumatic stress disorder. I counsel people right before they meet with accidents....

Speaking of which, I'm on my way to help deliver a grand piano to a Fifth Avenue penthouse. I'm working the pulley. Want to be my spotter?

08-02-2006, 07:30 PM
Sure thing. Even though I'm blind and have no arms, I am perfectably abled to do things with my feet. Oh yeah, I'm deaf too. What was that you wanted? Sorry I can't brush your cat. No arms...see?

But we can do something else fun. Lets go to the zoo and swim in ice water with the polar bears. If we get there early we can swim before they've been fed and we won't have to worry about floating fish parts.

08-02-2006, 07:31 PM
Oooh, sounds like such fun! Oh, hang on, my bathing suit is at the dry cleaners. It's made of seal fur, you know.

How's about you give me a hand chopping up these herring to feed the seals first?

08-02-2006, 11:12 PM
I'd like to help, I love squirrels, but I still have to repot the plant I forgot about yesterday.

However, it's a beautiful day outside, anyone care to come over and help me clean the horse corrals?

08-02-2006, 11:20 PM
I'd love to but I have horse-phobia -- comes from my terrible childhood. I wanted a pony when I was little, but Santa brought me an iguana instead. Oh well.

It's 102 outside now. Anyone want to go to the beach with me and run barefoot across the burning sand? It's only 10 minutes from here.

08-03-2006, 07:46 AM
I'd love to but my feet are already all blistery from my new boots. Ow ow ow!

Anyone want to come over and help me drain these blisters?

08-03-2006, 12:10 PM
I'd like to be of service, but the plant has died and I'm very depressed.

Would you care to come over so I can cry on your shoulder?

08-04-2006, 01:31 AM
Well normally I would, but I'm wearing a silk shirt today and tears stain it. Maybe you could just get a new plant.

Would anyone like to come over and help me make a spam sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth?

08-04-2006, 08:19 AM
I'd really love to. I'm a big fan of Spam art, but "giving birth" art gives me flashbacks.

Speaking of flashbacks, I just got these mushrooms from this guy down the hall. Anyone wanna help me identify whether they're mescaline or button?

08-04-2006, 10:10 AM
Gee I would love to but my parole officer might get upset ... I have to test tomorrow...

I just made a great big pan full of hamburger helper with spam, lima beans, beets and brussel sprouts ... anyone hungry?

08-04-2006, 10:43 AM
You had me at beets. But you also reminded me that I have a session booked in a borscht flotation tank this afternoon.

But hey -- there's been a cancellation in the tub for two -- and the dollop of sour cream is free! How 'bout playing crouton with me?

08-04-2006, 10:47 AM
Gee I would only I promised my mother I'd take her to get her feet scraped.

However, how about this weekend? It's the annual Hoedown and Oyster Shucking Festival. Care to shuck a bushel and do the Texas Two Step?

08-04-2006, 06:09 PM
Sure. But on the way we have to stop in Redemption Oklahoma and tell the Baptist congregation there that Satan is their savior. I'll let you do that while I go put gas in our car.

08-04-2006, 06:22 PM
Okay, but you're going to need to draw me a map to Oklahoma first. Better yet, can you do up a relief using paper mache and macaroni noodles?

08-04-2006, 10:50 PM
I'd love to make you the map, unfortunately I have no idea where Oklahoma is - I'm strictly a New Yorker.

Would you like to come to New York and visit? We can ride all over town in a cab with a driver named Abdul who wears a bedsheet on his head and smells like a camel.

08-05-2006, 12:03 AM
HEY. That's MY Abdul you're bustin on. And that is MY bedsheet and that is me and NOT a camel. You rude rude person. I'd tweak your nose if I wasn't certain that you want to come with me to the Blue Plains Sewage Treatment Plant and help me look for lost jewelry.

08-05-2006, 12:09 AM
Oh you know, I did that last weenend. Didnt find any.

They're short a french fryer over at Mc Donald's. It's about 88 degrees outside and to save energy, Mickey D's turned off the AC - want to come cook fries today? You get a nice long sleeved uniform and a hat and everything.