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Ari Meermans
04-01-2014, 09:26 AM
BOOK RELEASE ANNOUNCEMENT

Now offering for the first time and on a limited distribution basis, an unauthorized true history of the planet Earth and its environs, which will explain the origin of humankind and the challenges faced in establishing a thriving new species.

BOOK TITLE: LESSONS LEARNED UPON CREATING A NEW SPECIES: Or, Why You Shouldn’t Embark on New Species Development While Drunk

AUTHOR: Ari Meermans*




Even the Best-Laid Plans Sometimes Go Awry

April 2014 (by your reckoning)

Sometime around 5,725 BYOB**, three experimental species developers, who were mildly interested in a small wobbly galaxy, attended the retirement party of one of the head honchos of The Intergalactic Corporation for Seeding and Enhancements. As you might expect with celebrations of this kind—a retirement party on Isigorr can last for many days encompassing the trial, the sentencing, and the execution of the retiree—intemperate drinking led to less-than-deep thinking and irresponsible wagering on outcomes. Consequently, the trio presented their “big idea” to a group of similarly impaired Corporation executives who approved the mission on the spot. A planet already awash in existing species of promise was selected for the endeavor. The planet Earth. The planet you call home.

Lessons Learned Upon Creating A New Species begins by taking you on a journey of discovery as viewed through the eyes of the three intrepid species developers Lekt Huiett, Biezer Contralis, and Porta Kann as they seek to fulfill their mission to develop a sentient servant species using only their imaginations; the raw materials to be found flying, slithering, or simply lying about; and a craftily smuggled supply of the “foul blue brew” that got them into this mess in the first place.

The volume is presented in two parts:

In Part One: The Expedition, we join the resolute landing party (Lekt, Biezer, and Porta) of the IGSE ship Waffitgahlüs in their search for a species with enough intelligence to develop, and share their hair-raising adventures as they encounter unfamiliar and often hostile or otherwise uncooperative lifeforms. Advancing mission objectives or accepting early retirement their only options, Lekt, Biezer, and Porta valiantly persevere.

Part Two—The Ongoing Mission (more colloquially known as “I’m never drinking that foul blue brew again”) recounts many of our field studies with regard to assessing development progress, and the difficulties in monitoring an intractable and undisciplined young species. For, as you must already realize, extensive monitoring and reporting are required after so large an investment by The Corporation. And even though no one with any sense volunteered—which was everyone, if you must know—Recorders were selected, sedated on the sly, and shipped here. With nothing better to do and no blue brew to do it with anyway, we watch.

Lessons Learned Upon Creating A New Species may be purchased at all IGSE Corporation bookstores in the nine settled galaxies.

For more information on LESSONS LEARNED UPON CREATING A NEW SPECIES: Or, Why You Shouldn’t Embark on New Species Development While Drunk, please see bluebrewconsequences.IGSEcorp (https://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=287911).


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*A pseudonym, of course.
**BYOB – Before Your Obstreperous Beginnings

mccardey
04-01-2014, 10:02 AM
With nothing better to do and no blue brew to do it with anyway, we watch.

I will watch with you.

Because that's what spacedogs do.

ETA: (For schmoozes and treats.)

Ari Meermans
04-01-2014, 11:15 AM
Oh, good. Our records indicate you're about due for the insertion of a new tracking monitor.


Also, please disregard inadvertent edit feature--appointments were over-scheduled for this evening morning. Morning? It's morning already?

mccardey
04-01-2014, 11:18 AM
Oh, good. Our records indicate you're about due for the insertion of a new tracking monitor.


nonononono no no no... wait - wait - wait with the insertion thing. I think I - I'm pretty sure I prolly have one of those already. Hang on, I'll just go and - I'll just go - Back in a - just - I'll be right back just going to check. Won't be long - just a min-

Helix
04-01-2014, 01:04 PM
Does this dog with a goldfish bowl stuck on its head belong to you, Ari Meermans? Here you are.

Signed,
The Intergalactic Dogcatcher

Ari Meermans
04-01-2014, 08:39 PM
Yesssss, preliminary indications (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2738) are that today's (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=287907) monitoring (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=287931) will require a separate reporting beam. I love when a plan comes together.


_________________________________________

Overheard at last week’s Regional Update:

“I’d like to retire whoever said giving them the internet would help us better understand their brain functions.”