This might really not be all that fascinating to most people. But here goes.
I’ve been questioning what I believe for several years now. As some people know, I was raised in a very religious environment: church three times a week, speaking in tongues, faith healing, prosperity messages, Bible camps, and a healthy dose of the ‘you’re nothing but a sinner, saved by grace’ mentality. Satan was out to get me, but God would protect me and even bless me big time if I lived right and prayed correctly. Kind of a bizarre blend of a traditional Baptist denomination (Mom’s upbringing) and the Pentecostal/Charismatic movement (Mom joined and Dad got saved when I was 6).
A couple decades ago, I rejected tongue-speaking and faith healing and being slain in the spirit and all that (to me) creepy stuff. I rejected televangelists – all of them, on principle, because of people like Jimmy Swaggart and, later, Benny Hinn. (Those voices filled my house throughout my childhood, and as recently as last week, I got ‘news’ of another ‘wonderful’ new ‘teacher’ on TV-- or maybe it was YouTube--from my dear parents. Whom I love very much and who truly are good, kind, loving people, but anyway.)
Just so people know where I started.
Ten years ago, I rejected much of the Old Testament as either inaccurate or irrelevant (at least literally).
Five years ago, I rejected much of the New Testament as (primarily) one author’s (successful) attempt to start his own worldwide religion… while often seeming to completely miss the salient points of his ‘savior’s’ message.
Which brings me to Jesus of Nazareth, whom I’ve recently been reading about from sources other than Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I’ve often called myself a Red Letter Christian, but I can’t even really be certain that Jesus actually said—at least verbatim—any of it. I’m not confident that the authors didn’t turn Jesus into something he wasn’t, or at least embellish to the extent that it suited them.
In summary, I no longer believe in the infallibility of the Bible—not any of it, really, though I still appreciate and find value in some parts of it.
This has left me in a very precarious position, when it comes to God. My foundation of ‘why God is real’ is literally now dust and rubble.
Some Christians I know would now tsk, and tell me that’s what happens when you let in the doubt and let go of your faith. Well, I’m hoping I won’t burn in hell for it, and I’m past being intimidated by that line of thinking. I still want to get it right though, for myself.
I’m almost constantly asking myself these days: what do I believe? What, or who, do I believe in?
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far: I know that people are still seeking good, if not necessarily God. Sometimes they find it in Christianity, sometimes in Islam, sometimes in the Eastern religions, sometimes in themselves, in humanity, with the rejection of religion or God in general.
‘Good’ is a real concept. I guess people could deny that it actually ‘exists,’ in and of itself, but it’s… it’s like love and gratitude and peace and happiness. In itself it is intangible, sort of like God, but its effects can be produced and reproduced. Good is something I can seek. It is something I can pursue.
I suppose the definition of good, like God, is going to vary from person to person. Some people might have it totally wrong in my opinion. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I can definitely say that I have complete confidence that good exists. I know it when I see it.
Here’s where I gets a little more esoteric. What if God is good? What if good is God? What if it’s that simple? Can it be that simple for me? Can I just live my life in pursuit of good, and not worry whether or not there happens to be a literal personification somewhere or everywhere? Or maybe humanity is the personification. And also dogs, but anyway.
Can I just completely forget about the hereafter or worshipping the right deity or saying the right prayers (none of which I was ever good at anyway), and just search, pursue, appreciate and be thankful for good?
Can I trust myself to keep knowing it when I see it, if I were to add that extra ‘o’ and drop the capital letter?
A very cool person once supposedly said, “Seek and ye shall find.” Can I believe that?
I’m thinking I can, and the rest of it… well, it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. All the internal (and sometimes external) debating, the questioning, the mental exercises are getting tiring, and none of it seems to be anything more than wheel spinning for me. It's not productive. Time shouldn't be wasted like that, I'm thinking.
Thanks for reading