Alright so i feel like my action sentences are all over the place and I like some advice on how to tighten it up. Below is a small sample of my writing.
Hunger won. I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front. I flipped him over, there; tucked into his pants, an Eagle pistol; a gun worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached down to grab it.
Click. There standing right in front of me. A raider had his gun drawn and pointed straight at my chest. I closed my eyes, it was finished; I had miscalculated and this was my price. I closed my eyed and waited for the bullet.
A soft wind ruffled my hair, a moment later the raider made a choking sound. I opened my eyes; there was an arrow sticking out of his gullet. I turned around and stared.
I know the context doesn't make a lot of sense but it doesn't really matter that much considering its the sentence structure and not the setting that needs fixing. I just feel like my actions are disjointed and clunky. What can I do to tighten it up.
Thank you for your time.
Edit: Would this be a tighter sentence?
I reached down and pulled the gun from his waistband, then turned and looked at Luras. He had gone chalk pale staring at the raider’s…tattoos? This had to be bad; I’d only seen him that color twice before. Once when he had heard Camp Zenithar had been raided and his father had been killed and the other time when he had been shot by an overzealous Terran soldier.
Hunger won. I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front. I flipped him over, there; tucked into his pants, an Eagle pistol; a gun worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached down to grab it.
Click. There standing right in front of me. A raider had his gun drawn and pointed straight at my chest. I closed my eyes, it was finished; I had miscalculated and this was my price. I closed my eyed and waited for the bullet.
A soft wind ruffled my hair, a moment later the raider made a choking sound. I opened my eyes; there was an arrow sticking out of his gullet. I turned around and stared.
I know the context doesn't make a lot of sense but it doesn't really matter that much considering its the sentence structure and not the setting that needs fixing. I just feel like my actions are disjointed and clunky. What can I do to tighten it up.
Thank you for your time.
Edit: Would this be a tighter sentence?
I reached down and pulled the gun from his waistband, then turned and looked at Luras. He had gone chalk pale staring at the raider’s…tattoos? This had to be bad; I’d only seen him that color twice before. Once when he had heard Camp Zenithar had been raided and his father had been killed and the other time when he had been shot by an overzealous Terran soldier.
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