Tightening my action sentences

Thuro

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Alright so i feel like my action sentences are all over the place and I like some advice on how to tighten it up. Below is a small sample of my writing.

Hunger won. I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front. I flipped him over, there; tucked into his pants, an Eagle pistol; a gun worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached down to grab it.
Click. There standing right in front of me. A raider had his gun drawn and pointed straight at my chest. I closed my eyes, it was finished; I had miscalculated and this was my price. I closed my eyed and waited for the bullet.
A soft wind ruffled my hair, a moment later the raider made a choking sound. I opened my eyes; there was an arrow sticking out of his gullet. I turned around and stared.

I know the context doesn't make a lot of sense but it doesn't really matter that much considering its the sentence structure and not the setting that needs fixing. I just feel like my actions are disjointed and clunky. What can I do to tighten it up.

Thank you for your time.

Edit: Would this be a tighter sentence?

I reached down and pulled the gun from his waistband, then turned and looked at Luras. He had gone chalk pale staring at the raider’s…tattoos? This had to be bad; I’d only seen him that color twice before. Once when he had heard Camp Zenithar had been raided and his father had been killed and the other time when he had been shot by an overzealous Terran soldier.
 
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alleycat

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Changing the wording only slightly, I might rearranges the sentence somewhat. This is just an example. You would want to do it however you wanted. The main idea is to probably break the sentences up and smooth the flow just a little. This is an action scene and often shorter, simpler sentences work better to indicate the quickness of the action.

Hunger won. I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front. I flipped him over. Tucked into his pants was an Eagle pistol--a gun worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached for the gun.

Click. A raider stood in front of me, his gun drawn and pointed straight at my chest. I closed my eyes. It was finished, I was sure. I had miscalculated and this was my price. I waited for the raider to fire.


A soft wind ruffled my hair and then the raider made a choking sound (or gurgling sound). I opened my eyes. There was an arrow sticking out of his gullet (or throat). I turned around and stared.
 
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kuwisdelu

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Paragraph breaks are to prose as line breaks are to poetry. How does this read?

Hunger won.

I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front, I flipped him over.

There, tucked into his pants: an Eagle pistol. Worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached down to grab it.

Click.

A raider had his gun drawn, pointed straight at my chest.

I closed my eyes. I had miscalculated. This was my price. I waited for the bullet.

A soft wind ruffled my hair. The raider made a choking sound. I opened my eyes: an arrow was protruding from his gullet. I turned around and —

I think interjecting some longer, more complex, more breathless sentences can also enhance an action scene, but that can be more difficult. When in doubt, stick to a short and staccato rhythm for action. Don't be shy about using white space and punctuation for beats.
 
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Realspiritik

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Edit: Would this be a tighter sentence?

I reached down and pulled the gun from his waistband, then turned and looked at Luras. He had gone chalk pale staring at the raider’s…tattoos? This had to be bad; I’d only seen him that color twice before. Once when he had heard Camp Zenithar had been raided and his father had been killed and the other time when he had been shot by an overzealous Terran soldier.

Hi Thuro,

I know the samples you've posted are out of context, but for me, your second sample is more interesting. Action scenes containing only staccato sentences can get quite boring. Sometimes I don't even bother to read these scenes because they don't tell me anything I don't already know. An action scene can be a great place to tell us more about the character.

Also, be careful about your punctuation. Semicolons have their place -- I use them all the time in academic papers -- but they're death in an action scene.

You can also "speed up" your sentences by using contractions wherever possible: "He'd gone chalk pale" instead of "He had gone chalk pale."

Good luck with your writing!
 

Bing Z

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Actually it's an easy read and I don't have any problem with it. Whatever I suggest is just a matter of style.

Hunger won. I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front. I flipped him over, there; (punctuation issue: either "I flipped him over and there, tucked..." or I flipped him over. Tucked...") tucked into his pants, an Eagle pistol; a gun that is (a pistol is a gun so you're repeating. Alternatively, delete pistol and keep a gun.) worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached down to grab it.

Click. There (They're?) standing right in front of me. A raider is standing right in front of me, had his gun drawn and pointeding straight at my chest. (if the gun is pointing at you, of course it is drawn) I closed my eyes, (you've repeated closing eyes) it was finished; (suggest period instead of semicolon. Shorter sentence is snapper (stronger) and fits action better) I had miscalculated and this was my price. I closed my eyed and waited for the bullet.

A soft wind ruffled my hair, a moment later the raider made a choking sound. I opened my eyes; there was an arrow sticking out of his gullet. I turned around and stared. (I like alleycat's edit)
I think one of the reasons you're repeating so much is you're worried your writing is not clear enough and the readers are so dumb they can't catch the subtle meanings. This may be a process but I think you can try explaining less and see how it goes.
 
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Lauram6123

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I think more immediacy and action can be conveyed by eliminating the double verbs you have in some places, like...

I reached down to grab it. (I grabbed it.)
or
I reached down and pulled the gun from his waistband
(I pulled the gun from his waistband)
or even a faster more urgent sounding word like
(I snatched the gun from his waistband)
 

Roxxsmom

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Hunger won. I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front. I flipped him over, there; tucked into his pants, an Eagle pistol; a gun worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached down to grab it.
Click. There standing right in front of me. A raider had his gun drawn and pointed straight at my chest. I closed my eyes, it was finished; I had miscalculated and this was my price. I closed my eyed and waited for the bullet.
A soft wind ruffled my hair, a moment later the raider made a choking sound. I opened my eyes; there was an arrow sticking out of his gullet. I turned around and stared.

I know the context doesn't make a lot of sense but it doesn't really matter that much considering its the sentence structure and not the setting that needs fixing. I just feel like my actions are disjointed and clunky. What can I do to tighten it up.

Thank you for your time.

Edit: Would this be a tighter sentence?

I reached down and pulled the gun from his waistband, then turned and looked at Luras. He had gone chalk pale staring at the raider’s…tattoos? This had to be bad; I’d only seen him that color twice before. Once when he had heard Camp Zenithar had been raided and his father had been killed and the other time when he had been shot by an overzealous Terran soldier.

I like the tone and overall feel for the writing. It evokes an emotionally charged scene in a deeper pov. It's probably a personal bias, but I'd lose the semicolons in an action scene. I think shorter, terser sentence convey the emotion and pov better.

I'm not sure why there's a semicolon here at all, let alone two. Semicolons are for separating independent clauses or elements in a list when the elements themselves contain commas.

I flipped him over, there; tucked into his pants, an Eagle pistol; a gun worth at least four meals between the two of us.

Maybe:

I flipped him over. There, tucked into his pants, an Eagle pistol. A gun worth at least four meals between the two of us.

But there are other ways you could do this if you want to change the wording. I think it's okay to go with some fragments if you're trying to evoke a sort of breathless, intense, in the moment narrative. But you might want to punctuate them with some complete sentences too, in order to increase their impact.

I flipped him over. There it was, tucked into his pants. An Eagle pistol. A gun like that could buy at four meals between the two of us.

Also,

I closed my eyes, it was finished; I had miscalculated and this was my price.

This is a comma splice between the eyes and the it, as it separates independent clauses.

How about:

I close my eyes. It was finished. I had miscalculated, and this was my price.
 
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-May-

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I like where you're going with this, and agree with others about the semi-colons. I also question whether "flipping him over" and other wording is necessary to get the point across. I think it might tighten it up if you leave some of that out...

Here's what I was thinking:



Hunger won. I ran back to the raider and patted him down. Nothing in the front. I flipped him over, there; Tucked into his pants [was] an Eagle pistol, a gun worth at least four meals between the two of us. I reached down to grab it.[..]

Click. There standing right in front of me. A raider had his gun drawn and pointed straight at my chest. I closed my eyes, it was finished; I had miscalculated and this was my price. I closed my eyed and waited for the bullet.

A soft wind ruffled my hair, [I might add more to the wind, like he knew this was the last time he would feel the wind comb it's cool fingers through his hair. a moment later the raider made a choking sound. I opened my eyes; there was an arrow sticking out of his gullet. I turned around and stared.

I know the context doesn't make a lot of sense but it doesn't really matter that much considering its the sentence structure and not the setting that needs fixing. I just feel like my actions are disjointed and clunky. What can I do to tighten it up.

Thank you for your time.

Edit: Would this be a tighter sentence?

I reached down and pulled the gun from his waistband, then turned and looked at Luras. He had gone chalk pale staring at the raider’s…tattoos? This had to be bad; I’d only seen him that color twice before. Once when he had heard Camp Zenithar had been raided and his father had been killed and the other time when he had been shot by an overzealous Terran soldier.
 

Thuro

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Thanks everyone. I'll definitely cut down on the semi-colons and the spelling it out for the readers.