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CaroGirl
03-06-2006, 01:48 AM
Kids. They live in a wonderful world of blunder and misunderstanding. I am blessed with two of them and they are, without a doubt, two of the best sources of material for writing. And they say the darnedest things too!

Example: My daughter is 6. She's been taking skiing lessons every Saturday for the past 8 Saturdays. One of those days it rained and she couldn't ski, so they scheduled a make-up lesson. On the morning of the make-up lesson, she crawled into bed with my husband and me (she gets up unaccountably early). "We're going skiing today!" my husband said. "No we're not," my darling daughter piped up. "It's a make-up lesson today." She was, of course, convinced that we were driving for an hour to the ski hill so they could teach her about make-up. I'm not sure what she reckoned her 8-yo brother might be doing.

So, do you have any laugh-out-loud kid funnies you'd like to share?

writerterri
03-06-2006, 02:50 AM
My son wanted to go swimming with his friend and asked me if I'd take them. I said no at the time and he asked if he could go ask his friend's mother. I said that she doesn't want to go sit out there either and he replied, 'You don't know if she doesnt' want to go, you're not a sidekick'. I looked at him puzzled. He said, 'you can't read her mind'!


Yea, I thought it was funny too.

Maryn
03-06-2006, 03:08 AM
When our fourteen-year-old daughter heard “American Woman” in the soundtrack of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, she asked us the name of the band. Although we knew the song well enough to sing along, neither of us could recall. The next day, after a brief search on the Internet, I learned that the band Guess Who had recorded the original.

“I found out who did ‘American Woman,’” I told her at dinner. “Guess Who.”

She gave me a withering teenage sneer and said, “Right, like I’m going to be able to guess!”

Cracked us all up, once we'd cleared up the miscommunication.

Carole
03-06-2006, 04:14 AM
I wouldn't even know where to begin! Would it be with the time my older son, 4 years old at the time, and his uncle were having a playful "insult competition"? They went back and forth with stupid head, stinky feet and so on until my son got right in his uncles face and said, "F*ck face" BOY did the room go silent! His uncle winced and said, "You win!" Dan had no idea what he had even said. It was hilarius, but we couldn't laugh!!!!! If we laughed, he'd say it again!

My younger son had always been a deliberate comedian, though. In FL with his grandparents, he was about 4 or 5 years old, they were on their way out of the hotel one morning and the trash truck was backing up to take the dumpster. It had the normal *beep beep beep* while it backed up. He asked his grandmother, "Mamaw, what is that?" and she told him it was the trash truck. "What is it doing?" he asked, and she said, "It's backing up. It beeps when it backs up to let peopl know to get out of the way" "Ohhhhhh...." he said.

Later that night, they were back in their hotel room and they were microwaving something. It beeped when it was done. Seth said, "Mamaw..what's that?" and she told him it was the microwave. To which he grinned and said, "Ohhhhhh! Is it backing up?" And he just doubled over...totally cracking himself up!

poetinahat
03-06-2006, 04:50 AM
Ah, youth.

My two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, lunchtime, day care:

All the kids are eating heartily. Daughter points to pile of mashed potatoes, and asks, "What's this?"

The carer says, "That's mashed potato, Aisling."

Alarmed, Daughter responds: "PLAY-Doh??? I'm not eating Play-Doh!!!!!"

Every single child puts down the forks and spoons, and the place erupts. "We're not eating PLAY-DOH!"

Apparently it took a while to restore order.

My girl. She's a leader.

************************

On a related note, at home:

Same (one and only) daughter. Playing with Play-Doh. She makes a patty of swirled colours and hands it to me.

"Thanks, Aisling! What's this?"

"It's a pancake, Daddy!"

"Oh, yum! [I pretend to nibble on it, Cookie Monster style] Arrm Arrrrm Arrrmmm..."

She looks at me quizzically:

"Don't EAT it, Daddy! It's just pretend!"

I'll never learn.

spike
03-06-2006, 07:17 AM
My 6 year old daughter was miffed that I was taking off work and she had to go to school. I told her I had to buy tires. She asked why? I said for the car.

When I picked her up, she ran to the car and asked, "Where are the TIGERS?"

TwentyFour
03-06-2006, 07:38 AM
My nephew went into the cafe here with his mom, he was like 2 and really "talkative" about people and places. He was standing up in the booth next to his mom and my brother in law and watched this real hairy, grizzly adams type man come in. He pointed his little finger at the man and said (very loudly) "OOOOOOOOOOH LOOOOOOK at that man! He's scary!" The man looked at my sister and brother in law and they turned beat red.

kikazaru
03-06-2006, 07:48 AM
I was writing one day and my daughter (about 4 at the time) was drinking a glass of water near by. She came up, thrust her glass in my face and said "here mama, have some soup!" So, one eye still on the screen, I humoured her, and without looking took a big glug from her glass, pronounced it absolutely delicious and then asked "what kind of soup is it?" Beaming, she took her glass back with it's now rather noticably frothy contents, and said "oh, it's spit soup..."

BlackCrowesChick
03-06-2006, 11:39 AM
One time when my sister was little, two or three, she and my dad were talking about The Wizard of Oz. He told her that he liked it a lot when he was a little boy. Then, she said, "Oh. When do I get to be a little boy?" It was cute.

One about me, and gawd I was a really goofy kid, I'm sure there are more, but here's one - When I was four I used to go to the library for this story hour thing where the librarian would read to a bunch of kids. I had a nice little nickname for her: Nana Fat Stinky. She was old, fat, and yepp, you guessed it, stinky. I thought she smelled like bean soup, which I hated the smell of. I still laugh when I think about that. I never called her that to her face, just to my family when I talked about her. That's how I always referred to her.

Another one of mine - when I was two/three, I thought that tornados meant that a giant walking tomato came to people's doorsteps.

Maryn
03-06-2006, 05:55 PM
I remembered one about our son, who deserves equal billing.

Background: We live, quite deliberately, in a multi--ethnic community. Our kids routinely see people of many types as we go about our business.

So why, on a layover at O'Hare, did our almost-four son stare and stare at a dark-complected black man in our gate's waiting area? The man noticed, smiled once, and returned to reading his paper. A few minutes later, our boy touched the man's hand and reported to his sister, loud enough that everyone could hear, "It's his skin!"

I don't think any amount of "oh, we live in a mixed community" would have excused it.

Maryn, who never understood what her son was thinking that day (and he doesn't remember, of course)

spike
03-06-2006, 05:57 PM
One time when my sister was little, two or three, she and my dad were talking about The Wizard of Oz. He told her that he liked it a lot when he was a little boy. Then, she said, "Oh. When do I get to be a little boy?" It was cute.

.

My niece (about 3) had a tantrum because I wouldn't put on the video she wanted. She called it "Wizawas" (Wizard of Oz) "You know, the one with the big tomato" (tornado)

Serenity
03-06-2006, 06:01 PM
Oh, working with children, I have soooooooo many! But this one is my favorite:


I had a little boy in my one class (about 12 three year olds) and it was their free-play time. He had the lego's out on one of the tables and had this elaborate scene going on. Well, I was observing him off and on for about ten minutes, just watching the intense concentration going on. After a bit, I had to go ask.

"Ethan, what are you doing here?"

"I'm building a space ship."

"Really? That's so cool! Are you going to go to the moon?"

He shakes his head with absolute certainty. "No, I'm going to the sun."

I have to admit being surprised by his answer. "The sun? Won't that be kind of hot?"

He just looks at me with the patience any three year old has for an adult who says something truly stupid. "Duh... I'll wear sunglasses."

I laughed, absolutely delighted with his answer. "You go right ahead."

NeuroFizz
03-06-2006, 06:31 PM
My now-adult daughter was six or seven at the time--she brought home one of those school forms that require parental completion and signatures. The top was pre-entered with her personal information. Alison slammed the form on the kitchen table, stomped into her room and slammed the door. My then-wife followed her and asked what was wrong. Alison pointed at the top of the form and said, "They gave me an F in sex and I haven't even tried it yet."

After the explanation, her comments was, "Oh. I wondered why they gave Tony an M."

CaroGirl
03-06-2006, 06:34 PM
My now-adult daughter was six or seven at the time--she brought home one of those school forms that require parental completion and signatures. The top was pre-entered with her personal information. Alison slammed the form on the kitchen table, stomped into her room and slammed the door. My then-wife followed her and asked what was wrong. Alison pointed at the top of the form and said, "They gave me an F in sex and I haven't even tried it yet."

After the explanation, her comments was, "Oh. I wondered why they gave Tony an M."

Oh my, that's just hilarious. There must be something about 6 and 7 year olds that make them the funniest people on the planet.

Perks
03-06-2006, 07:13 PM
This particular picture is of interest because of the universal gesture of defiance the fetus seems to be wielding. This photo is undoctored.

http://poisonpen.net/images/db/db_43.jpg

(And I know it's undoctored, because for the sake of a giggle, I've just shown 6,000+ AW members the inside of Perks. From about three years ago, that is. My second child. Hope you enjoy!)

CaroGirl
03-06-2006, 07:18 PM
Perks, I think I see the middle finger of a future anarchist. Good luck!

Perks
03-06-2006, 07:31 PM
She's a hoot. Actually a very agreeable little thing and tenderhearted, but can that girl hold a grudge!

Shadow_Ferret
03-07-2006, 05:06 PM
So first the backstory. We went to a local restaurant the other night. We all ordered, as our side, dingo chips. These are basically homemade potato chips with parmasan cheese on them. Very good. Well, we ended up taking some home in a doggie bag (styrofoam box).


So last night we had leftovers. We heated them up in the oven and put them on a plate. The plate was on the other side of my 5-year-old. So I asked him to pass me some. He handed me one. I wasn't paying attention but I thought it went near his mouth. So I asked, "Did you bite this?"

"No."

So I popped it in my mouth and started chewing it.

"I licked it."

Yeshanu
03-07-2006, 05:53 PM
It was hilarius, but we couldn't laugh!!!!! If we laughed, he'd say it again!

Ah, yes! The parents' major dilemma...

How I learned to stop swearing:

First, you have to know that I am not the calmest driver in the world. Cars are big and mean and they can kill. I've lost friends and relatives to the things, and I have a healthy fear of other drivers, especially other drivers who honk their horns for no reason.

My eldest child was a beautiful blond cherub when he was two. One summer day, while we were walking down the street of a small town, me holding his hand, a driver honked his horn. I think I jumped a bit, but my son immediately said (in the same tone of voice I use), F@#$ing a$$hole!

The two little old ladies walking behind us thought it was hilarious. They laughed. And I resolved to tame my tongue.

Same boy, same era:

We lived on what could charitably be called a farm, and we had chickens. The time came for us to slaughter them in the time-honoured tradition of "off with their heads." Of course, they flapped around a bit after the head came off. (They didn't run -- we held them by the legs...)

David looked at the first one after we killed it and said, "Chicken all broke!"

Little sister, a couple of years later:

I'm upstairs doing something, and I come down to find this two-year-old girl has taken four light bulbs out of their package, and stuffed them down her shirt to about the level that her "womanly attributes" would eventually grow.

I'm standing there going, "Don't move! Don't take a single step until I get to you!" I was absolutely terrified -- two-year-olds are not the steadiest creatures on two feet.

Same girl, four years later during children's time at church:

I asked the kids, "Are any of you in a hurry to grow up?" I was trying to get across the point that even kids can do good works and important things -- you don't have to wait until you're grown up to do God's work.

My daughter pipes up. "Yes," she said.

I asked her why.

"Because I want to have babies!"

Of course, the congregation erupted in laughter at that point, and I've been worried ever since...

Ruth, who has a seventeen-year-old daughter and no grandchildren.

Yet.

Perks
03-07-2006, 09:41 PM
Little kids are very weird. I was just attending to some bathroom clean-up with Little Miss Bird-Flipper from a few posts up. I had gotten her all clean and she gives a big, theatrical sigh and announces that she feels "fresh as a pirate."

I never know what the hell she's talking about.

Stew21
03-07-2006, 09:47 PM
Conversation with my three year old this weekend:

"Cope" is the last name of one of my husband's friends that Kyle has adopted as his own very good best friend.

Kyle, walking into the kitchen: "mom I want to play fishing."

Me: "Ok. Go get your fishing pole."

K: "I'm Cope mommy. He fishes."

Me: "That's a good idea honey. Cope likes to fish."

K: "Mom, Cope says Aw F^ck, just like that mom."
Me: (trying really hard not to laugh) "But we don't say that. Its not a nice word."
K: "its not? Cope says it!"
Me: "no honey. It's not. We don't say that."
K: "well Crap, mom!"

Later I told Jason (DH) , "next time you talk to Cope tell him to stop dropping F-Bombs in front of Kyle. Jesus!"

I wasn't very thrilled with the well crap mom either, but better than the "aw F^ck!" by a long shot!

Perks
03-07-2006, 09:55 PM
I love to curse. I curse a lot. When my oldest daughter was three, we were in the supermarket and, out of nowhere, she turns to me and asks, "Mommy, am I big enought to say 'sh!t' yet?" I said, "No." She gives it a few beats and then comes back with, "Well when can I?" "When you're as big as me."

Four years later, she still doesn't say it and is just waiting...

Stew21
03-07-2006, 10:02 PM
I'll have to try that Perks! Jason and I are avid swearers as well. Though we have been censoring ourselves pretty harshly at home now due to the recent, outbursts of language we didn't know he knew!

"You're not old enough yet" might do the trick!

Fern
03-07-2006, 10:47 PM
My nephew, age 4 or 5 at the time, went with several family members to a local cafe'. After the meal everyone was sitting around talking and he went to the restroom. He came back to the table with toothpicks for everyone. They thanked him, kept talking and using their toothpicks when Grandma (who was a little more astute when it came to grandson) asked "Where did you get the toothpicks?" He said "Oh, they were in the bathroom." He had picked them out of an ashtray in the bathroom.

CaroGirl
03-07-2006, 10:56 PM
Ah, cursing. I have a cursing one. And, in the interest of giving a fair shot to both my children, here you go.

My son was about 4 when were sitting on our back deck one summer eating dinner. The wind was blowing and the corners of the tablecloth kept sweeping up and slapping at our plates.

"Mummy," piped up the son, "This tablecloth is p!ssing me off!" Silence as my husband and I exchanged looks and tried as hard as we could not to laugh.

"Right, Mummy," he tries again, "This tablecloth's p!ssing me off, right?"

We went inside.

BlackCrowesChick
03-07-2006, 11:50 PM
Cursing ones...

Another one about my sister when she was two or three again - we found a cassette tape that our grandpa was doing an impression of John Wayne on. In his impression, he said, "Alright, you sons of bi***es!" My sister, of course, said the same thing right after hearing it.

When I was seven or so, my cat did something wrong, then ran outside. I went after him and shouted, "Felix, you bas****!" I didn't know what it meant or that it was sort of a swear word. I don't know what I thought it meant. Idiot, maybe? My dad heard me and told me that I couldn't say that. I wonder how many neighbors heard me...

Kida Adelyne
03-08-2006, 12:56 AM
Same girl, four years later during children's time at church:

I asked the kids, "Are any of you in a hurry to grow up?" I was trying to get across the point that even kids can do good works and important things -- you don't have to wait until you're grown up to do God's work.

My daughter pipes up. "Yes," she said.

I asked her why.

"Because I want to have babies!"

Of course, the congregation erupted in laughter at that point, and I've been worried ever since...

Ruth, who has a seventeen-year-old daughter and no grandchildren.

Yet.


YOu are aware that I'm going to have to kill you now...

Shadow_Ferret
03-10-2006, 11:36 PM
So I was out walking the dog and the 5-year-old was tagging along. It had rained and was misting so there are a lot of puddles.

Kurt (the 5-year-old, the dog is Cobie) starts running and he's heading for this very large and very deep looking puddle.

I yell out, "Don't run through the puddle!"

So he slows down and walks through it.

"What did I say?" I yell at him.

"You said not to run through it. I walked through it."

Sheesh.

threedogpeople
03-11-2006, 01:16 AM
My next door neighbor, sick with the flu, needed a break from her 3 year old. I was going to the annual outdoor sports show and offered to take him with me. He was wonderful all afternoon, well behaved and fun.

At one point we stopped at a scuba booth. He pointed to a display featuring a wet suit, tanks and full scuba gear.

He said, "What's that?" Concerned that he might be afraid of the mask and wet suit, I carefully explained that it was pretend, that it wasn't really a person, that it was plastic, that some people call it a "dummy" and that the people in the booth were using the pretend man to show us how to wear the scuba gear.

He listened quite patiently, looked up with his big blue eyes, and said, "Oh, it's a mannequin?"

Lesson learned: never underestimate the vocabulary of a 3 year old.

kikazaru
03-11-2006, 02:43 AM
These are great! I am still laughing at "fresh as a pirate!"

One day my daughter (about 2) and I were out shopping, and unbeknownst to me, it was "Senior's Day" so the store was teeming with retirerees. We were going down a crowded aisle that seemed to be particularily full of little old ladies, when from her perch in the shopping cart my daughter asks, "what are we buying mommy?" She was (and still is) adorable so all the grey heads turn to beam at the little darling. I tell her that we are looking for a birthday present for daddy. She then screws up her sweet little face, places a finger on the side of her chubby cheek and asks loudly, in a puzzled tone "Daddy? Is he the man with the black hair?"

Oh. My. God.

I really have no idea why she said that, but I can still hear the horrified and disapproving gasps that followed us as I quickly wheeled her down the next aisle.

pconsidine
03-11-2006, 02:47 AM
I wasn't very thrilled with the well crap mom either, but better than the "aw F^ck!" by a long shot! Reminds me of a similar story about my niece. She's 4 now and this was about a year or so ago.

I was standing with my sister-in-law in the kitchen, washing dishes, when little Ava comes in and tugs on mommy's pants.

"Mom," she says. "I'm fvckin' hungry."

Just like that. Perfect adult context and everything. I really have to hand it to her mother because, while I'm trying to stifle my laughter with a handful of dishsoap, she just said "okay then. I'll find you some dinner. And don't say that again." A few minutes later, we heard her pretending to talk to her grandmother on the phone.

"Nana, Mommy yelled at me and I don't know why. I just said fvckin'."


Related story:

Last Saturday, we were bringing the kids inside after sister-in-law dropped them off at our place. I said something about getting inside quickly and Ava said, "Yeah! It's freakin' cold out here!" (Then followed the explanation of how "freakin'" isn't a swear but her mother probably would prefer she didn't say it anymore either.)

A few minutes later, she was complaining because her mother didn't like her to wear her red shoes with her brown pants. I tell her that it's just because her mommy's a little weird and there's nothing wrong with it.

"Hey! Don't call my mommy weird!" she says.


...Big dramatic pause...


"She's a freak!"

Yeshanu
03-12-2006, 06:06 AM
YOu are aware that I'm going to have to kill you now...


Not unless you want to walk to Cuba, kiddo... :D


Poor kid, she's done as well as she could possibly do with the parents she's been stuck with.

Love ya. :kiss:

Perks
03-28-2006, 07:11 AM
I thought this one was funny. My three-year-old is very literal-minded. I wanted her to hurry up today, so I told her to "shake a tail feather, shake a tail feather."

She gives me the sagely-inclined-head-furrowed-brow-what-are-you-dumb-tone. "Mom. I not have a tail fevah. I have a butt cwack."

Shadow_Ferret
04-11-2006, 07:52 PM
Last night out of the blue my 5-year-old son goes, "I'm going to miss you guys."

Oh? When?

"When you're old and dead."

Godfather
04-12-2006, 01:00 AM
when i was about 8 maybe,
me, my cousin, my brother, my mom and my aunt were in a car,
and my cousin (whos the same age as me) had to go to some sort of class in the commmunity hall of the local church, st pauls.
she didnt want to go and was being stubborn about it, then exclaimed
'i dont want to go to diorreha piddle place pauls!!'

my other cousin, who's now about four, is the funnniest thing in the world. and thats all there is to it.
one day i was sitting down talking to whoever, when she comes over to me, with clenched teeth and thrusts her finger in my face and says
'you drink piddle and eat poo!'

she's the funniest girl i've met, well and truly,
when we went to spain she had an infatuation with the term 'dirty looks'
she thought it was a swear, and was thrilled when nobody corrected her.
she'd dance and shout DIRTY LOOKS,
then she'd say to me and my cousin(same age as me)
'are YOU allowed say dirty looks? cos i am!'

tiny
04-12-2006, 01:01 AM
kids aren't funny.

CaroGirl
04-12-2006, 01:05 AM
kids aren't funny.
Are too.

tiny
04-12-2006, 01:28 AM
not even close.

Godfather
04-12-2006, 12:28 PM
kids aren't funny.

... how can your argue with that??

WVWriterGirl
04-12-2006, 05:41 PM
We've had quite a run of "funny" in our house lately. Here's a few of them.

Just this morning, my 3 (almost 4) year old son came to wake me up. He woke up in the middle of the night, before we went to bed last night, and told me he was hot and wanted to sleep in just his underwear. I obliged and took off the sweatpants he had been sleeping in. When he came to my bedside this morning, he said, "Mom...somebody took off my pants last night..."

My parents allowed the tyke to spend a couple of nights with them. My mom asked Connor what he thought we were doing while he was away. Without a second thought, he said, "Making another Connor."

During a storm the other night, my dog (who is a very large chocolate lab that lives inside the house) was going nuts with the thunder and lightning. He had been growling around, but hadn't yet barked. When he finally did bark, exceptionally loud, I jumped and said, "Geez, that scared the hell outta me." Connor sat really still for a few moments, and then said, "Yeah. Scared the hell outta me, too."

Connor was riding in the truck with my dad the other day when, out of the blue, he said, "Papaw, I have you under control. I don't have mommy and daddy under control yet." Dad was speechless as he tried to hold in his giggles.

Shwebb
04-12-2006, 08:22 PM
A little while back my four-year-old son Ethan was playing quite a bit of computer games one day. Later in the afternoon, he walked up to me and said, "Hi! My name's Ethan. Push the arrow keys to move me around the room. Push the space bar to make me jump!"


We did have a bit of a scare the other day with regard to swearing--Ethan was straddling my husband's back and we thought he was saying "Get up, Pu$$y!" We tried to be low-key about it and tell him that wasn't very nice to talk to his dad that way. But later in the day, when he was on my back, I realized he was actually saying, "Giddyup, horsey!" Whew!

kikazaru
04-12-2006, 09:51 PM
We did have a bit of a scare the other day with regard to swearing--Ethan was straddling my husband's back and we thought he was saying "Get up, Pu$$y!" We tried to be low-key about it and tell him that wasn't very nice to talk to his dad that way. But later in the day, when he was on my back, I realized he was actually saying, "Giddyup, horsey!" Whew!

Ha ha! That reminds me of the time when my son was about 2, and had a fascination with heavy machinery - or heavy *macquipment* as he called it. We were walking past a construction area with all sorts of workers milling around, when he says very loudly and excitedly *look at all the dumfuks* Eeeps! Sometimes it s just better to leave than offering explanations, so I just rushed him out of the area without bothering to explain to the crew that he was saying *dump trucks*

Embarrassing though...!

StoryG27
04-12-2006, 10:49 PM
My kids usually take comfort in saying their nightly prayers, but they have a lot of people to pray for and one night my son was just too tired to name them all because it seems like suddenly, everyone we know and love is very sick or in a dangerous place (Iraq and Afghanistan).

So my tired boy kneels beside his bed, bows his head, and prays, "Dear Lord, please bless my sick and endangered family. Amen."

Thank goodness I held in my giggles until I had tucked him in and shut the door.

Perks
04-15-2006, 03:40 AM
I just ran a bath for little one (three and a half.) This morning we heard Another One Bites The Dust by Queen. Well, a popular bath toy reminded little miss of the ride this morning, because I just caught it as she sang under her breath, "uh, uh, uh... another one bites the duck."

I'm okay now. It was touch and go for a minute, there.

stace001
04-15-2006, 12:37 PM
My 5 year old knows I'm a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan. She's died twice during the 7 seasons and he's heard me talk about it many times to friends. He's also glimpsed the series from time to time while I frantically search for the remote to stop it as he passes through the lounge. Anyway, he was in class the other day and his first grade teacher was telling them about Easter and how Jesus rose from the dead. My son raises his hand, stands up and says, "well, that's nothing. Buffy rose twice."

That's my boy. ;)

DamaNegra
04-15-2006, 06:25 PM
Ok, just picture this:

It's christmas day. The whole family is gathered around the table. One of the uncles brings forth a huge turkey, perfectly cooked, and sets it on the table. The rest of us look expectantly, our mouths watering. We all close our eyes and say our prayes. After a minute of silence, my uncle grabs a knife and is about to cut the turkey when...

"Dad, where are the turkey's testicles?"

Note: That was not me, lol!

Shadow_Ferret
05-13-2006, 01:34 AM
So my wife is talking to my 10-year-old on the phone. She's at work. He's at home. Not sure about what but it was something he didn't want to talk about, I guess. So he goes, "Shh! Shh! I can't hear you mom. I'm going through a tunnel."

So of course she calls me up and complains about "my son." :Shrug:



A few Saturdays ago, the wife and I were going to a movie, one of our rare nights out alone. We're taking the kids to the grandparents so they can babysit them.

My 5-year-old pops up and goes, "So, where are you kids going tonight?"

Of course my wife gives me the look about "my son." :Shrug:

SpookyWriter
05-13-2006, 01:49 AM
I was checking messages last night after getting home. My 14 year old son had a message on the answering machine from a young girl. I told him to check the messages because he had a call. He tried a couple times and then finally asked me which one.

I said "Come here and listen." As I was going through the old messages, I began deleting them quickly to get his message. I got to "Hi Ryan..." and for some strange reason I hit the delete button before the whole message was finished.

He looked at me and said "Was that it? Who was she?" Well I couldn't tell him because it was the last one and I had erased all hopes that he'd know who the mystery girl was to call him.

Oh darn!

DamaNegra
05-13-2006, 01:50 AM
I was checking messages last night after getting home. My 14 year old son had a message on the answering machine from a young girl. I told him to check the messages because he had a call. He tried a couple times and then finally asked me which one.

I said "Come here and listen." As I was going through the old messages, I began deleting them quickly to get his message. I got to "Hi Ryan..." and for some strange reason I hit the delete button before the whole message was finished.

He looked at me and said "Was that it? Who was she?" Well I couldn't tell him because it was the last one and I had erased all hopes that he'd know who the mystery girl was to call him.

Oh darn!

You do realize you've just ruined your kid's potential love life?? http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/images/smilies/EmoteROFL.gif

Shadow_Ferret
08-26-2007, 04:58 PM
We just got a new dog yesterday. We've had a dal/lab mix for 2 years and we just adopted a Jack Russell.

This morning my 7-year-old says, "We have to take Sam (the JT) to the vet."

"Why?"

"Because there is something big and purple coming out of his wee-wee."

Susie
08-26-2007, 05:56 PM
My then 7-year-old niece Jacklyn was visiting us one day and after staring at us awhile, she said that we looked a lot alike. I asked if it was because we both had brown hair and blue eyes. "Oh, no," she said quickly. "It's because you're both old!"

That really made us laugh. All your funnies are super!

Godfather
08-26-2007, 10:13 PM
my aunt and her two twin daughters, aged 4, spent hours cleaning up their bedroom. when they finally finished, my exhausted aunt turned to them and said "this is how i want you to keep your room from now on". one of the girls looked at her indignantly and said "you don't always get what you want, you know"

Tracy
08-27-2007, 01:10 AM
My 11yo son and I had been talking about the selfish gene theory (by Richard Dawkins), which basically states that all life is just carriage for its own genes, which programme us to pass themselves on. So far so good.

A few weeks later he was feeling very disgruntled and hard done by, and said, "I know that that selfish gene theory isn't true - you and Dad would be a LOT nicer to me if it was!"


Another time we had had words because he had left his shoes out all night and they had got soaked in the rain. He said, quite seriously, by way of explanation for this: "You know, I think I'm suffering from short term memory loss, and a touch of Asbergers".

And recently he was deliberately trying to wind me up, just for the fun of it, and I said, "You're a brat", and he said, "I know. It's a gift, really".

SpookyWriter
08-27-2007, 01:17 AM
My 11yo son and I had been talking about the selfish gene theory (by Richard Dawkins), which basically states that all life is just carriage for its own genes, which programme us to pass themselves on. So far so good.

A few weeks later he was feeling very disgruntled and hard done by, and said, "I know that that selfish gene theory isn't true - you and Dad would be a LOT nicer to me if it was!"


Another time we had had words because he had left his shoes out all night and they had got soaked in the rain. He said, quite seriously, by way of explanation for this: "You know, I think I'm suffering from short term memory loss, and a touch of Asbergers".

And recently he was deliberately trying to wind me up, just for the fun of it, and I said, "You're a brat", and he said, "I know. It's a gift, really".:roll: Kids, gotta love'em.

Mandy-Jane
08-27-2007, 03:14 AM
When my oldest daughter was 2 we were in a restaurant ordering a meal. She asked for "spaghetti mayonnaise" (instead of spaghetti bolognaise - get it.)

My youngest daughter, aged 3 was talking about Daddy. (Daddy sometimes struggles with his weight.) She said "Daddy's fat. Fat people go on diaries, don't they?" (diets!)

Funny, yeah.

Shadow_Ferret
08-27-2007, 06:20 AM
My 7-year-old, upset that brother wasn't sharing in walking the new dog.

"That's it, I'm moving to a new family."

Perks
09-06-2007, 04:25 AM
My youngest (nearly five) has a collection of stuffed animals. Once every few days to weeks, the cast of current favorites will be updated. She picked a plush stingray as a souvenir from an aquarium giftshop last year and each time he rotates through the front lines, she always refers to it as a 'ringsting' no matter how many times I tell her what it's actually called.

I break up every time she says it, and I don't know why.

Writer14
09-06-2007, 04:30 AM
My baby cousins =] i love them.

Nicholas -only 16 months- was crawling around (he prefers that to walking sometimes still) and I was on my knees as he came towards me.

Now, Rebecca, who is 4 and talks up a storm stands behind me quietly, watching as Nicholas approached.

I extended my arms and Nicholas bipassed them using my knees to help him stand.
Rebecca: Christina! Christina! noooo! dont!
Me: its okay reb- AHHH
Nicholas was yanking my hair like I was the horn of a 18-wheeler.

Rebecca: N-Nicholas likes to pull haaiiiiirr.
Me: -.-;; thank you rebecca.


<.< probably not the same kind of funny you're all talking about...but...my parents & aunt thought it was hysterical.

melaniehoo
09-06-2007, 04:55 AM
I went to my sister's to sit for her three kids. Before she left she warned me that the youngest, then 3 or 4, might have to poop and I'd have to help him wipe.

"Uh, can't you make him go before you leave?" I asked. She didn't. I don't have my own children, I don't mind changing diapers, but it's weird when they can walk & talk.

Half an hour later, he pooped, then called for me to help him. I dutifully wiped his butt then said "I think I got it all."

He jumped off the toilet, stuck his bare bottom in my face and said, "Can you check?"

I almost died right there. How do you explain a figure of speech to a 3 year old?

He's eleven now & I'm still waiting for the right moment to share this with him.

Elincoln
09-06-2007, 06:31 AM
Kids are too funny!

Our four year old is constantly amazing us.

Last night, my husband made steamed snapper for dinner along with pasta (he and our daughter were having sausage which is a no-no for me). He spoons some fish on her plate and asks her to tastes it. He hears, "It tastes like cr*p!" and gets really upset at her. She gets mad and says, "Crabmeat! It tastes like crapmeat!" I turned my head to keep from laughing at their faces.

Then there was two years ago when we were at my in-laws for Easter Sunday Breakfast. My MIL makes a type of scrambled eggs with sausage and ricotta. We get princess's plate setup and all wait for grandma to finally sit down when she shouts, "Maaaa, these eggs are yucky!" Thank goodness my MIL is very hard of hearing. Everyone else did their best not to laugh out loud.

One day, we were playing with our two dogs (huskys). The puppy was licking both our faces and my daughter was asking me why. "That's how she kisses you." (you know where this is going, right?) So at bedtime, I tuck her in and she wants to give me a kiss. I bend down and get a fat lick from my chin to my eyebrows. I manage to turn out her light and rush to the kitchen before cracking up.

And finally we have new neighbors with two little boys. One is 1/2 year younger than our daughter and the other is about 2 years older. Both families were hanging outside grilling last 4th of July when the youngest boy asks my daughter, "Will you marry me?" Little Princess scrinches her nose at him and says, "I don't want to get married. It's too boring." All the adults started spitting out their beers and laughing.

Monkey
09-06-2007, 06:58 AM
My 3-year-old son pronounces "st" as a "d" sound. Makes it awful when he is running around yelling about his stick.

"Mommy, mommy, I got a big stick...will you throw balls? I want to hit balls with my stick!"

And that's a quote. You should have seen our friends, who were in the living room at the time and didn't know about the speech problem. :D


When my older son was 5, I came outside to see him and my husband roughousing. My husband (who is 6'8) was holding my tiny boy over his head, arms fully extended, and spinning him in circles. I yelled for him to stop *that instant* before someone got hurt. My son's reply?

"Awwww, mom, but I was just about to get him!"

I laughed. "What were you going to do?"

"I was gonna flip 'im!"
:)


My oldest was talking about a friend of his who was talking on her cellphone and didn't notice a train. Her truck was totalled, but she was relatively unscathed.

"Geesh," I said, "there's only *one place* a train can be..."

"But mom..."

"No, there's no excuse for that sort of driving. There's only one place a train can be..."

Then my 3-year old yelled, "On the TRACKS, Donny. Trains only go on TRACKS."

That pretty much ended the argument.




And now my 8-month-old daughter is learning to stand. She pulls herself up with my pantleg a lot. Too bad that most of my pants have elastic waistbands and go down to my knees a good portion of the time she tries it.

It was really bad when this happened outside and I wasn't wearing undies.

reigningcatsndogs
09-06-2007, 07:02 AM
Tony used to get really mad whenever there was a Viagra commecial on. He'd yell at the guy to stop dancing and get to the vet. It took me the longest time -- he was hearing 'reptile disfuction'. He was 4. I didn't bother to correct him.

CaroGirl
09-15-2007, 07:51 PM
I thought I'd share a little anecdote my daughter told us last night (I paraphrase):

I was at computer lab in school today and I decided to make some wallpaper for my background. I found this picture of eyeballs so I copied it and pasted it all over the screen. Then I pointed at the screen and said, "Hey! What are YOU lookin' at!"

True story. She's 7 and has a precocious sense of humour.

Perks
09-28-2007, 10:50 PM
I've mentioned before that my youngest daughter (soon to be five years old) is insane. I'm still shaking the shrapnel in my head from her latest revelation.

Her new preschool is very much Bible-based, so they've done a story from the Old Testament almost every day so far. I was trying to ask which one was her favorite, and I'll admit that my question would have been a bit of a non-sequitur anyway, even if I'd been allowed to finish it. Here's how the conversation went:

"So, so far, what's your favorite-"

"Going to the bathroom."

"What?"

"That's my favorite."

"In five years of living, that's what you like best?"

"Yep."

"Okay."

...

Now she's out in the driveway, talking to herself. Should I use this opportunity to sneak out the back door with my passport?

Southern_girl29
09-29-2007, 12:05 AM
My four-year-old cracks me up on a regular basis. Earlier this year, before she turned four, she was talking about missing our dog, Radar, that died last year. I said that he was in heaven with God and Jesus. She said, "Yeah, and with Murray, too."

I frowned, searched my head to see if I even knew a Murray (besides the guy from the Wiggles), and said, "Murray? Who's Murray?"

She gave me a look that said I was the dumbest person in the world and said, "You know, Mommy, Murray, Baby Jesus' mommy."

She's a huge Harry Potter fan. Her favorite spell is Riddikulus, but she can't say it correctly. It comes out Dickulus. One night, she pointed her wand at my brother and shouted Dickulus. It was pointed right at his crotch. He said, "I don't think I like the sound of that spell."

Last week, I decided it was time for a change, so I went and had my hair cut off really short. She didn't like it one bit. She said, "You don't look like mommy, Mommy."

So, later that night, she came up to me, touched my face and said, "Your polka dots look the same."

I knew she meant my freckles, but I went ahead and said, "My polka dots?"

She said, "You know, Mommy, your neckles." I couldn't get her to believe they were called freckles.

Shadow_Ferret
10-02-2007, 09:49 PM
Not that this is particularly funny, but at our teacher meeting about our 1st grader she started telling us that he tends to do his own thing. I said, "He marches to his own drummer, yes." And she said, without hearing me, that he'll be line leader and instead of going in the direction she wants, he'll lead the class down a completely different hallway. She went on to list other things he does, too, some of it good. He'll take it upon himself to help another struggling student.

She seemed appalled.

I was pleased. Being his own little man, though it infuriates me at times, is also something I don't want to squelch.

Jersey Chick
10-02-2007, 09:58 PM
Last summer, we were going down the shore to see my in laws. So, we're on Rt 35, going through Bay Head, when my then 5 year old daughter (who'd been freakishly quiet up to this point) suddenly pops up from the backseat with this:

Her: "You know, Mom, I've been thinking and I just realized something."

Me: "What's that?"

Her, sounding very proud: "We're ahead of all the cars behind us!"

And then, a few weeks ago, she was complaining about having to wear her pjs with the long pants. She didn't want to wear them because "My legs don't feel like wearing sleeves."

She's a pisser sometimes...

acharity
10-03-2007, 02:13 AM
Haha! Fresh as a pirate... lol! Man, these are all priceless!

I don't have kids yet but I have younger sibs who crack me up.

Matthew (he's turning 15 this year) when he was around... 8 or so, he got really into the whole workings of the human body. One night while we were sitting around, he looked at his hand and looked at us and said, "Mom, there's skin on my HAND!" and he looked absolutely appalled.

Again with Matthew, he used to be reeeeaally clumbsy and never looked where he was going. The majority of the time, he'd be walking with a full cup of juice right into the wall, spilling it everywhere. Each time he'd say, "The wall did it! I didn't know!"

I can't really remember many funny things with my younger sister. I know she used to be infamous for replacing her 'm's with 'n's so milk became nilk and music was nugit.

Hillary
10-03-2007, 02:36 AM
I'm so tempted to add to this thread... As a wacky child and a nanny, I have a lot of experience with funny kid stories. Unfortunately, I'm bound to secrecy. My mother has rights to my childhood and all my nannying stories. If I tell 'em to anyone else, she'll blame me in lost royalties.

jennifer75
10-03-2007, 02:38 AM
It's all downhill from here:

My 5 year old told me yesterday "Don't worry about me, mom". I almost died.

jennifer75
10-03-2007, 02:42 AM
My 3-year-old son pronounces "st" as a "d" sound. Makes it awful when he is running around yelling about his stick.

"Mommy, mommy, I got a big stick...will you throw balls? I want to hit balls with my stick!"



I think I've already mentioned this, but I will again:

(From CARS, referencing the Piston Cup Title Lightning McQueen is racing for) "Mom, where's my pissin cup?"

JLCwrites
10-09-2007, 08:16 PM
I was doing some yoga and pilates this morning. You should see a 3 y/o do yoga!

CaroGirl
09-22-2008, 08:22 PM
Here's a new one that my daughter, 8, came out with the other day.

She wanted everyone to leave her hamster to sleep in peace, because he is, of course, nocturnal.

"Leave Button alone. He needs his cutie sleep!"

The kicker is that she knew exactly what she was saying and why it was funny.

Shadow_Ferret
09-22-2008, 08:36 PM
My 8-year-old announced today was the first day of fall. And I complained that I wasn't ready to let go of summer. (He always jumps the gun on the seasons. He was wearing shorts the first official day of spring even though it was still 40 degrees outside. He's been racking leaves this weekend even though the leaves aren't anywhere near falling.)

and he says, "But dad, the seasons are cyclical."

As if that explains everything and I shouldn't be complaining. I didn't even know he knew what cyclical meant.

Shadow_Ferret
11-18-2008, 02:22 AM
So Saturday we had the MIL and FIL's 50th wedding anniversary. We went out to eat and then went back to their place. I've had a bit to drink. A stein of beer on an empty stomach. Then a glass of wine. A glass of Grand Marnier. Then a few beers back at their place.

So my son has these little stirry arrows from the bar and he's trying to shoot them. It's not working. Then he's trying to make spit balls, because that's what my 16-year-old nephew told him.

That's not working.

So me, brilliant and somewhat inebriated explains that what's really fun is taking wads of toilet paper, soaking them, then throwing them at the ceiling.

Yes. He did.

Grandma looked on in horror while I almost peed myself. :)

illiterwrite
11-18-2008, 06:02 AM
I was driving on the highway with my then-three-year-old daughter. At some point she piped up from the backseat, "There are lots of hookers downtown." And then told me that Daddy had told her all about them.

That night at dinner, my puzzled husband asked her, "What do hookers do?"
"They help make buildings," she said. He studied her for a moment, still puzzled, before his face cleared.
"Do you mean CRANES? Big tall things with hooks on the end?"
"Yup. Hookers," she said.

Later, in the basement, she grabbed a few little doll hangers she had and ran into her playhouse. From behind the door, she called out, "If you need any hookers, Mommy, just let me know!"

I said I would.

Devil Ledbetter
11-18-2008, 06:41 AM
I was taking my 7-year-old out for dinner one night last summer. I asked him where he wanted to go, figuring he'd choose MacDonald's or Taco Bell.

"I want to go the the yacht club. Grandma took me there."

"Um, that's nice honey, but I don't have a membership at the yacht club. You can only eat there if you have a membership."

"Aw, that's too bad. The yacht club is a great place to go and joke around with old people."

Perks
12-18-2008, 03:32 AM
So, we're making Jell-o and there was a simple math problem of how many molds to pour the goop into. My six year old got it while her almost ten year old sister floundered in a single-digit fog.

I looked at my youngest and said, "Poor big sister - dumb as dirt."

And Julia (the oldest wailed) "Dirt's not dumb! It's just naive."

Lol!

sheadakota
12-18-2008, 05:24 AM
I was babysitting my niece who was, I think three or four at the time. She did something that required a time out (don't remeber what) and I made her go sit on the steps- she was furious with me and I could see her trying to think of something really bad to call me- she balled up her little fists and said,

"You, you.. poopy f...cker, you!"

After I got over the shock that she even knew that word, I had to keep from cracking up-

Perks
12-18-2008, 05:26 AM
Oh god how I love cursing children. I would have died.

LaurieD
12-18-2008, 06:26 AM
My not-quite-6 yro son has always done things his own way from day one, for example - we scheduled his "birth"day and he arrived three full weeks early. This has continued to this day.

When he was not quite 2, my then 6 yro daughter pulled me away from the computer "I think you'll want to see what he's doing" for me to find my son hanging out the window. The only part of him still inside was his fingertips. He was laughing his head off.

In preschool, we received daily reports on his antics "Today he climbed over the furniture instead of going around" "Today he left the classroom and went down to the kindergarten. The kindergarten teacher brought him back, after he announced to her class that John (another preschooler) was a poopy head". One of my favorites from preschool was when he got in the car at the end of the day and announced that he was never, ever going back to school because Anna decided she wasn't his girlfriend anymore. The next day, I dragged his reluctant little self to school. That afternoon when I picked him up, he's smiling and laughing.
"Good day?"
"Yep! Anna won't be my girlfriend, but that's okay, cuz Emma said she'd be my girlfriend instead."

And this year, in kindergarten, I will never forget the day his teacher walked him over to me, instead of just sending him over like usual at the end of the day. I knew this had to be bad. Turns out a few of the boys had gone to the restroom together and all but my son came back out. One of them told her that my son was standing on the urinal. When she goes in, he's jumping down. Not from the edge of the urinal, she tells me, from the top, and gestures about shoulder height. Later I find out that my son asked the other boys, "Hey, wanna see me climb up there?"

Shadow_Ferret
01-12-2009, 01:41 AM
So I went downstairs and my youngest goes, "Dad, I wrote my name on my stuff."

I looked and he'd written Kurt all over his expensive Duplo train set. Anyone who's ever owned one knows how darned expensive those wood tracks and accessories are.

So I was like, "Kurt! Now we can't sell that when you stop playing it."

"But I'm still playing with it."

"I meant when you get older and stop playing with it."

"Dad. Then it'll be for my kids."

Um. Yeah. You won this round.

Captshady
01-12-2009, 01:51 AM
My 4 year old told me today, how babies are made. From the backseat he says, "a mommy eats some seaweed, and then she eats a baby, and then it comes out of her tummy later."

My 7 yr old knew better, "NOoo! She doesn't eat the baby, God puts it there."

Shadow_Ferret
01-15-2009, 04:23 AM
So I'm driving with Kurt. "2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?" *pause* "Say it, Dad."

Say what?

"2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate? Say it."

2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?

"No. Say the answer."

I don't know the answer.

"God. God is the answer. 2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?"

God.

"And?"

And what?

"God and?"

AND WHAT?! I don't know!

"Sheesh, dad. God and Jesus. 2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?"

god and jesus.

"Say it like you mean it. 2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?"

God and Jesus. *still said with no enthusiasm*

"Louder, dad. 2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?"

God and Jesus!

"No. Say it like you're yelling at me. 2-4-6-8, Who do we appreciate?"

GOD AND JESUS!

"Good, we can stop now."

Why you little!

vixey
01-15-2009, 04:37 AM
:ROFL:

Knowing your penchant for all things religious...that was funny!

Perks
02-07-2009, 03:49 AM
I set up an email account for my six year old daughter. She loves to write (such as it is) and has been pining for one like her big sister's.

This is the first email conversation we've had. It's extra funny, since I'm only in the next room. And I do have to love her conclusion -





On Fri, Feb 6, 2009 at 5:40 PM, Rianne <******@gmail.com>
wrote:

Mom! wut are, we haveing for dinr
tonite? Love Rianne


On Fri, Feb 6, 2009 at 5:45 PM, jamie wrote:

We are having fish rolled in corn chips.

Love,

Mama

On Fri, Feb 6, 2009 at 5:52 PM, Rianne <******@gmail.com> wrote:

Have we had that bee for?

On Fri, Feb 6, 2009 at 6:01 PM, jamie wrote:

Yes we have. It is crispy and crunchy. You like it.

On Fri, Feb 6, 2009 at 6:10 PM, Rianne <*****@gmail.com> wrote:

I blev you you are owas rit you are
nevr wrong

Cranky
02-07-2009, 04:32 AM
My eight year old's newest word is "knucklechucks", for nunchucks. He knows they're really called nunchucks, but he vastly prefers knucklechucks, and cracks up when I call 'em knucklechuckles.

He also informed me today that he doesn't want to be firefighter or a soldier anymore, because they aren't "safe" jobs. He told me he wants to get a job at Wal-Mart. :roll:

CaroGirl
03-02-2009, 08:11 PM
I have a couple of new ones, one funny from each kid.

First: We were downhill skiing the other day, and my 11 yo son, who's a better skier than I am by far, went sailing past me. He was in full tuck position and as he was breezing by, he called out, "Look! I'm aerodynamic!"

Second: With some trepidation, I bowed under the pressure of my son and husband and allowed my 9 yo daughter to watch The Matrix. We came to the part where Neo must choose between the red pill (truth) and the blue pill (the Matrix). My daughter piped up, "Well, if it were me, with the life I have now, I'd take the blue pill. I LOVE my life. I have you and Daddy and my brother. My dogs and my hamster. Yup. Definitely the blue pill."

LaurieD
03-02-2009, 08:24 PM
I have a couple of new ones, one funny from each kid.

First: We were downhill skiing the other day, and my 11 yo son, who's a better skier than I am by far, went sailing past me. He was in full tuck position and as he was breezing by, he called out, "Look! I'm aerodynamic!"

Second: With some trepidation, I bowed under the pressure of my son and husband and allowed my 9 yo daughter to watch The Matrix. We came to the part where Neo must choose between the red pill (truth) and the blue pill (the Matrix). My daughter piped up, "Well, if it were me, with the life I have now, I'd take the blue pill. I LOVE my life. I have you and Daddy and my brother. My dogs and my hamster. Yup. Definitely the blue pill."

Ohh, how sweet.

I have a chuckle for you...

My hubs and I brought my son's two mice to school for show and tell (kindergarten). After giving us strict instructions the night before regarding their mode of transportation so they wouldn't get too scared on the way to school, my son yanks them (each in their own hampster ball) out of the box we'd tucked them in for the drive, flips them upside down, over his head and announces to a room of 17 kindergarten kids, "I have mice!" This was a couple of weeks ago. The mice no longer greet us at the cage. The now run in terror when anyone gets near the cage... :Shrug:

Perks
03-02-2009, 08:25 PM
I wish I could adequately describe my daughter's (6 years old) confusion last night when my husband and I had mentioned 'dogfights' in a conversation about airplanes.

She later told me that, in her head, she saw dogs with guns strapped to their backs, trying to use their hind legs to pull the triggers. It might be funny to read, I don't know, but watching her concerned face while she kicked her little legs behind her in illustration was hilarious.

Poor baby.