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Crazy Opossum Lady
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I also posted this in the horror SYW, but maybe it belongs here.

I abuse this poor forum so much.
Ok, here's the thing.
I wanted to rewrite my manuscript in 1st person because I thought it would draw the reader in better. I have encountered an issue in that a lot of the previous writing sort of "switches views" in third person. So now I've had to insert my MC into scene she was never in and modify the writing and OH MY GAWD, IT'S AWFUL.

OBJECTIVES-
1. Look at, and compare this shit.
2. Tell me what to do, please. TELL ME WHAT TO DO, AW.

THIRD PERSON- (I feel ok about this.)

Liam hated suits. They never fit him right. They were made for differently shaped men. The cuffs sat mid-way up his forearm. He'd had a difficult time tucking the tails of the shirt into his pants. The pants themselves ended far above his ankles. The shirt and jacket were very, very wide. It puffed out in odd places, refusing to make contact with his rotting skin. He sighed. It could be worse, he reminded himself. He could be Julius. Julius had taken to safety-pinning his shirt in a fold to make it lay tightly over his bare ribs. Julius had many nicely made suits, however. Having been thin and wealthy during his flesh baring years, Julius had many suits tailored well enough that he could still wear them as a skeleton.
Liam sneered as Antony walked towards him. Antony was comparatively short and on the buff side. Everything fit Antony well. He had dark hair and one blue eye. Oddly enough the first thing to rot away from Antony's body had been his left eye. He had the top few buttons on his shirt undone so that the neck fell ragged upon his broad shoulders. Sloppy, was Liam's first thought. Antony's beard was always grown out to stubble. It was shaven in sharp, geometric lines. Liam supposed this was some sort of “cool guy” thing. It contrasted oddly with his disregard for his clothing. Blue smoke constantly rose from Antony as though he had a small fire burning somewhere in his chest. The smoldering was a signature left by his departure from life. Antony had set himself ablaze to purge the real world away. Antony grinned at Liam.


FIRST PERSON- ( I hate this so much my stomach quivers like freaking jello when I read over it.)


I noticed Liam leaning against the wall, tugging at the cuffs of his ill-fitting suit. The sleeves sat midway up his forearm, the ends of his pants falling well above his ankles. The shirt and jacket were very, very wide. It puffed out in odd places, refusing to make contact with his rotting skin. He looked frustrated. He kept compulsively running his hands over the tails of hair trailing down the back of his neck. I was feeling a little unsteady on my feet at that point, but I decided I had to know what had him so flustered.
“Why are you mad, Liam?” The words came out of my mouth in a way I hadn’t expected. They ran together into a cathartic stream of syllables. Liam didn’t seem to notice.
“I hate suits. They never fit me right. They’re made for differently shaped men. I guess it could be worse, I could be Julius. He pins his clothes so that they’ll lie flat over his ribs.” Liam sneered at Julius from across the room.
Antony came wandering over towards us with a strange smile on his face. I had only met Antony on one or two prior occasions, but I had never seen him wearing quite that expression. Antony was comparatively short and on the buff side. Everything fit Antony well. He had dark hair and one blue eye. Oddly enough, the first thing to rot away from Antony's body had been his left eye. He had the top few buttons on his shirt undone so that the neck fell ragged upon his broad shoulders. Antony's beard was always grown out to stubble. It was shaven in sharp, geometric lines. It contrasted oddly with his disregard for his clothing. Blue smoke constantly rose from Antony as though he had a small fire burning somewhere in his chest. The smoldering was a signature left by his departure from life. Antony had set himself ablaze to purge the real world away. Antony grinned at Liam.


WAT DO?
 

katci13

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Always, ALWAYS go with your gut.
Not knowing what's going on and who's in the scene, I lean towards 3rd person, and I think you do, too. Don't write in first person for no reason. And especially don't do it if you hate it.

Honestly, I didn't even finish the 1st person. I made it about halfway though because the third person is clearly so much better. I have no idea who's talking in the second excerpt.
 

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Yeah. I think that will be what ends up happening.
Technically, less work for me.
 

Cassiopeia

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I agree that the third person is better. It is VERY hard not to TELL a story in first person. Some authors do that very well. For example one of our very own, KTC writes in first person and his books are compelling reads.

One of the things I've done is take a story that I wrote in third person, edited to first person and back to third person again. You'd be surprised what I learned about my story and POV.
 

Canton

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If it were me in your shoes, I would move from third to first by writing an entirely new story. And yes, first person POV does create closeness, but it lacks in things that can't be done except in third. You'd probably be sacrificing those other qualities that you aren't immediately aware of. I'd trust yourself that you did what you knew was right.
 

dondomat

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Ironically, I just used this example in a different thread: read an Alex Cross adventure by James Patterson. It combines 1st-person POV for the MC with 3rd for everyone else. This is how Patterson pulled it off, and continued pulling it off -- not in the sense of hunched over computer monitor browsing moist orifices, but in the sense of building a vast empire on the success of Alex Cross -- and today he has 260 million books sold. Last I checked back in 2011, the figure was 100 million.
 

VeryBigBeard

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I quite liked your bit in first. Not that I didn't like your bit in third, but you let the details slip out slower in first. I ended up working more of it out for myself and enjoyed that.

I always find first horribly finicky because I just don't use it much, and it usually comes off that way when I read badly written first (such as my own). Yours didn't strike me as badly written, but go with your gut unless the story cries out for--nay, demands! (in a very loud and obnoxious voice)--a change. If the only reason to change is some sort of nebulous "first works better," ignore. Read your own work closely and see what works better and what doesn't. There will always be pros/cons with POV.

It's never a bad thing to try a different POV just to see. And if it doesn't work, it's practice. I should write in first more just so I get used to it.

Good luck!
 

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Crazy Opossum Lady
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Ironically, I just used this example in a different thread: read an Alex Cross adventure by James Patterson. It combines 1st-person POV for the MC with 3rd for everyone else. This is how Patterson pulled it off, and continued pulling it off -- not in the sense of hunched over computer monitor browsing moist orifices, but in the sense of building a vast empire on the success of Alex Cross -- and today he has 260 million books sold. Last I checked back in 2011, the figure was 100 million.

Huh
Huh
I like that.
I wanna do that.
I'm going to strongly consider that.
 

blacbird

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Always, ALWAYS go with your gut.

This. I've never had to "choose" a POV. I've written first-person, third-limited, multiple (never more than two) third-limited, and the story just seemed to choose its own appropriate POV. For me, POV comes right along with the concept of the story. I've never been tempted to go back and change POV, once the story is underway.

caw
 

Lady Ice

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Actually, your first person was pushing me away. In the third one, I was able to learn about Liam, whereas the first one has some annoying girl asking questions.

First person narratives are for when the story is a character's perspective on events. For example, The Great Gatsby isn't about a man named Gatsby who does some stuff; it's about how Nick sees Gatsby and how Gatsby changes Nick. Other characters would present him in a different light.
 

etherme

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I actually like the 1st person POV - it drew me in more. But absolutely go with your gut. I've done this as well - started in one and changed to another. All part of the process. :)
 

jaksen

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I write in first and third. It never seemed like a choice for me. In my first person series, I want to be inside the kid who's telling the story. I occupy him, so to speak.

In the third, I wanted to be at somewhat of a 'remove' from her, and yet close enough to sit on her shoulder. I can see and feel most of what she does, but not everything. So she's a little darker, a little more distant than my first person POV.

But I have never switched one to the other to see how it works or feels. I've never had doubts about the POV for either one. In fact, I never think about it much unless I see a thread like this, then I wonder what/why/how did I do that?

For a truly intimate - I'm in Liam's skin - you write first.

You want some distance from him - write third.
 

BethS

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In changing from third-person to first in the two examples, you also changed the POV character. Wondering why you did that. If you're wanting to compare the two, wouldn't it make sense to keep the POV character the same?

Anyway, of the two, I like Liam's POV better.
 

WriteMinded

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Huh
Huh
I like that.
I wanna do that.
I'm going to strongly consider that.
Consider it when you have agents begging to represent you and publishers hot for your next book. Established authors can do pretty much anything they want, for the rest of us it's a different story.
 

CallyW

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Consider it when you have agents begging to represent you and publishers hot for your next book. Established authors can do pretty much anything they want, for the rest of us it's a different story.

Plus he has a whole stable of other writers who get outlines from him and then write the first draft.
 
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