I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND DON'T KNOW WHERE TO POST THIS AND DON'T CARE HEEELP!

bcinfrance · Feb 28, 2006

I am an incipient freelance writer, married, mother of two, still working practically full-time. I am getting some good feedback on my blogs (specialized, objective stuff, not a big rant like what I am about to write) and want to work on them diligently because it's such a thrill but THE FAMILY IS SUCH A BARRIER! I CAN'T TAKE IT!Today to write for 50 minutes it took me:

-Over two hours of computer negotiating and waiting time

-One big fight with my husband because he wanted to mouth off for 45 minutes about local political issues during my precious 6am-7am writing time. I even stopped writing to listen to him while doing some more mindless stuff (putting on makeup, a bit of picking up the mess) in order to show him I AM AVAILABLE TO LISTEN and I got YELLED AT FOR NOT CARING ABOUT WHAT HE WAS SAYING because WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO TALK I WAS PUTTING ON MY MAKE-UP!!!!

-All of my energy because I also worked all day, took my kids to two doctors appointments, and went grocery shopping!

I know all the stuff about setting up office space, having a separate computer, etc. but I don't yet and all I want is some encouragement!!!!
Thanks a billion!!!!

trumancoyote · Feb 28, 2006

You needs a room of your own, girl.

roach · Feb 28, 2006

There was a similar discussion up on the Novels forum. It's really hard to get any writing done when you don't have any support. (*she types as the baby is laying in her crib refusing to nap*)

Some things you might try:

* If hubby starts talking politics, start talking writing. He might get the hint.

* Rather than negotiating make a rule: "From the hours of 6 am to 7 am I write. Don't presume I'm free for chatting, because I'm not." This will require that you actually write during this time. Doing anything else (make-up, etc.) could be seen as a sign that you aren't serious.

* Invest in some good headphones, the kind that cover your ears instead of earbuds. Turn up the music when people ignore your rule.

I hope you can get things resolved soon.

Maryn · Feb 28, 2006

Nobody said it would be easy--but nobody ever warns us it's so damned hard, either, right?

You've come to the right place, bcinfrance. Any time, day or night, we're here to sympathize.

When the household is a bit more at peace, you and Mr. bcinfrance should have a talk about your need for time to yourself. It sounds as if he's not taking your writing seriously, which isn't new around here (where many significant others think of it as a cute little hobby) and feels that his need to vent about politics supersedes your right to do anything but be his receptive audience.

Stress to him that your goal is for paid writing, but that if you don't have regular, uninterrupted writing time, you may never get good enough, exposed enough, able to learn enough about markets, and all else paid gigs entail, to do it. Ask him for his genuine support in holding your writing time sacred.

Be prepared to accede to holding some time of his sacred, too. Just insist on fairness--a five-hour night out with friends means five mornings a week of uninterrupted writing time.

Other things that may be pertinent to the discussion are computer use, fair division of household chores, errands, and childcare, and all that other stuff couples have to work out unless one is a doormat.

Maryn, grateful for stretches of time

Tilly · Feb 28, 2006

I haven't got anything to add to that, except :Hug2:

and I hope things improve for you.

Unique · Feb 28, 2006

bcinfrance said:
-One big fight with my husband because he wanted to mouth off for 45 minutes about local political issues during my precious 6am-7am writing time. I even stopped writing to listen to him while doing some more mindless stuff (putting on makeup, a bit of picking up the mess) in order to show him I AM AVAILABLE TO LISTEN and I got YELLED AT FOR NOT CARING ABOUT WHAT HE WAS SAYING because WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO TALK I WAS PUTTING ON MY MAKE-UP!!!!

Thanks a billion!!!!

Why does he think your ears shut off while you're putting on make-up?

Mine never do. Is this one of those male/female multi-tasking issues?

You need to remind your husband that women can do a load of laundry, wash dishes, talk on the phone, and deal with a baby ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
(Just 'cuz he can't...sheesh)

Putting on make-up and listening at the same time - that's a snap.

Spirit_Fire · Feb 28, 2006

I'm sure people have already been saying this, but this sort of problem seems to be common for writers. It can be so hard to get support and encouragement from family and friends. If you can get it, you're very lucky! It seems like everyone else always thinks of your writing as the lowest priority.

'Why are you on the computer? There are dirty dishes that need to be washed!' etc.

I've actually been thinking about dropping everything else to lowest priority. If I can't find time to write, then I'll do it when I'd normally be sleeping! Or I'll bring a notepad and pen to work and do it when I'm supposed to be working! I want to become a mad recluse, and ignore everything else (although I don't have kids!). If I haven't done my daily writing, then everything else can wait in line!

Vanessa · Feb 28, 2006

Tilly said:
I haven't got anything to add to that, except and I hope things improve for you.

Ditto here

eldragon · Feb 28, 2006

I used to have a cartoon-like visual of myself as a new mother.

I would be standing at the sink, washing dishes with one hand, holding my nursing baby with the other hand (arm,) talking on the telephone with the phone propped on my shoulder, while my husband had intercouse with me from behind.

That's a bit vulgar, I know, but it's how I felt then, and how I feel now, too.

We women are wives, mothers, lovers, and laborer's. We do it all, all the time. There is no easy way to find the time to do things.

I recommend throwing a fit every so often. It works as a last resort.

Jean Marie · Feb 28, 2006

mdin · Feb 28, 2006

I had to look up the word "incipient." You learn something new every day.

William Haskins · Feb 28, 2006

jab sharpened pencils into your eyes and ears. it worked for me.

bcinfrance · Mar 1, 2006

Feeling so much better

First, it looks like this should have gone into office party but it didn't feel like a party to me...

Second, I have to thank all of you (11 responses in less than 12 hours) who helped me feel better.

Third, on the same day that all of this happened, I got a nice breakthrough in my writing and this seemed to help the family to understand what was going on.

I'll try to get individual responses out to some of you but thanks so much again! :Hug2:

bcinfrance
www.franceprofonde.blogspot.com
www.cuisinequotidienne.blogspot.com

Ken Schneider · Mar 1, 2006

Set the gang down and say. "I give you people the majority of my time, but from now on, between 6p.m., and 7p.m. is my time. Do not bother me then, thank you."

oswann · Mar 1, 2006

eldragon said:
We women are wives, mothers, lovers, and laborer's. We do it all, all the time. There is no easy way to find the time to do things.
QUOTE]

We men are husbands, fathers, lovers and laborers too. We, too, do it all the time.

Os.

kikazaru · Mar 1, 2006

"I would be standing at the sink, washing dishes with one hand, holding my nursing baby with the other hand (arm,) talking on the telephone with the phone propped on my shoulder, while my husband had intercouse with me from behind."

Ok that just killed me! :roll:

There is some sort of multi-armed goddess whose name I cannot immediately recall, but I'm certain she came about because of some harrassed ancient wife and mother. "If only I had more hands..."

I'm glad you are feeling better bcinfrance. My family and domestic duties irritate the heck out of me, but then again they do give me material for my writing.

Roger J Carlson · Mar 1, 2006

I got myself a laptop and I go to the restaurant every morning to write (6:30 to 7:30). For the price of a cup of coffee, I get office space and peace.

eldragon · Mar 1, 2006

There is some sort of multi-armed goddess whose name I cannot immediately recall, but I'm certain she came about because of some harrassed ancient wife and mother. "If only I had more hands..."

I'm glad you are feeling better bcinfrance. My family and domestic duties irritate the heck out of me, but then again they do give me material for my writing.

Exactly. And as irritating as it is, we wouldn't have it any other way, if given the choice.

Pat~ · Mar 1, 2006

bcinfrance, I admire your determination. All excellent advice above, to which I can add nothing except to ask if there's any chance in your hectic schedule for carving out that hour for writing first thing in the day (while everyone else is still asleep)? That seems to be my only guaranteed 'alone' time. It also puts you in a position of having the rest of the day to add to it, if possible...but if the rest of the day is crazy, at least you know one writing hour was untouched by the craziness.

Maryn · Mar 1, 2006

Roger J Carlson said:
I got myself a laptop and I go to the restaurant every morning to write (6:30 to 7:30). For the price of a cup of coffee, I get office space and peace.

Even replacing the laptop with a spiral notebook and a Ticonderoga Number 2 pencil, I think Roger's on to something here...

Maryn, not nearly that smart

Jean Marie · Mar 1, 2006

bcinfrance, I wasn't reacting to your post!

I agree it's a priority for you to set aside time for yourself as a writer. Otherwise, how will you write?

Roger's got the best idea: leave the premises

Unique · Mar 1, 2006

eldragon said:
Exactly. And as irritating as it is, we wouldn't have it any other way, if given the choice.

Yes, we would.

1. my son would always appreciate what I cook for him.
2. my cats would stop chewing with their mouths open & messing up
the floor.
3. Rain would also play outside in pants that are already dirty instead of
putting on a clean pair to play in the dirt.
4. ...would also quit taking my tools out of the box & leaving them lying around.
5. ...would always remember to scrape the plate into the trash & rinse it before
.....leaving the area.
6. Give me a few...I'll be back with more.

bcinfrance · Mar 1, 2006

Just a clarification

Just a quick clarification on my post -- all this WAS happening from 6am-7am while everybody was supposed to be asleep! But hubby dear got up that morning at 6:15 am and the world had to stand still...

SeanDSchaffer · Mar 1, 2006

I'd have to agree with Roger. The best way to get the privacy you need is to get away from the rest of the family during the writing time.

I read a book by Arthur Herzog which mentioned something to this effect. To just set a boundary and live up to it. It'll be hard to do, granted, but the writing is important, and if it's time to write, methinks hubby should wait until time to write is finished.

Maybe you could hang a sign on the door to the computer room that says 'Do Not Disturb' in big bold letters. It works most of the time for me--I have a couple neighbors who still knock regardless of the sign in front of their faces, but the majority respect it.

But I would definitely sit the family down and tell them first that "This is my writing time; you are to leave me alone while I'm writing."

It might sound rude or worse to the family, but eventually they'll understand and it'll become habit if you enforce it.

I hope this helps you out. Have a great rest-of-the-week.

ATP · Mar 1, 2006

As a young boy, I still remember my mother complaining that she had no time for herself. Yet, upon reflection, she did - she was an avid reader, so must have had time for herself.

As to defining boundaries, my mother had one very good method. She trained us all at a very early age: as she was approaching that time of the month, and she was likely to "bite the head off of anyone within reach", she would but have to state "batten the hatches", and we kids would all slink off and out of her sight.
She got the privacy she wanted, no hassles and no rancour.

ATP

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE AND DON'T KNOW WHERE TO POST THIS AND DON'T CARE HEEELP!

My Name is Sweet Thing

annoyed and annoying

Baaa!

Agent of Doom

Slow-burning Muse

Writer and Music Producer

in a van down by the river

calm waters ahead

The late, the great XThe NavigatorX

poet

Absolute sagebrush

Grumpy

Benefactor Member

Moderator In Name Only

in a van down by the river

Luftmensch Emeritus, A.D.D.

Baaa!

calm waters ahead

Agent of Doom

SeanDSchaffer

What happened to my LIFE?!