Reject A Hit

okay, let's play!

Dear Stephenie, I really enjoyed your book, "Twilight" with series potential and thought it was well written but everything was just too beautiful and glittery I felt like I was swimming in shimmer. And the love interest seemed to be a sappy weak, whiny..."I love you so much Bella"...type thing I was then trying to swim out of all that sappy shimmer slim shady shit. Anyway, I did however like Jacob. You coulda done something more with that character, more character development, like Jacob eating everyone and becoming this super werewolf-vampire, that has something growing inside of him, then you can use that baby character. Anyway, good luck with another publisher, I'm sure you'll find one. I'm almost certain of it.

Sincerely,

Justin Dozzintnoshit
CEO of Bloody Gutter Books


did i do it right?

Dear Mr. King,

I loved your novel "It", and think it could be a bestseller. However, "It" is not a valid search term in Google, so I'm going to have to request a revise and resubmit on the title. Perhaps, "Scary Clown Thing"?

Ms Rowling,

Whereas we believe in the concept of children overcoming adversity, we also believe your story of an underage wizard to be completely devoid of character and missing that magical spark needed to hook the reader for the complete series. One book may be a better suggestion for your writing style. Unfortunately, it doesn't fit our readership. Perhaps you should add some religious elements. I suggest you re-think this entire series concept and polish your mss thoroughly before re-submitting. Best of luck in future endeavors and keep writing. You can only get better.

I just wanna take a moment to reflect on my own accomplishment: The critically acclaimed, author, editor, agent, turned publisher and now President of Your Subconscious Press, KellyAssauer has quoted me (Undercover) on Dec. 14th 2013.

Something Undercover's been trying to achieve for the last 4 years. Her next giant goal is to be quoted in her sig, something that will require much planning and many rewrites.

Yay! Goooo Lisa!

*Been there...several times.
*ducks*
It's a busy place.

OMG! *heart pounding

Huffs and puffs out, "This is an epic day! Best X-Mas prezzent evers."



thanks girleez





and no, those aren't huffs and puffs off of Ona's coffee beans

Dear Deano,

While we really like the concept of a super-intelligent canine pushing two young and single and vulnerable people together, we are somewhat disturbed by the concept of a monster and a dog loving the same thing--Mickey Mouse.

We are a family-oriented business and feel that our young readers might be horrified by not only pre-marital sex which was so graphically displayed in your novel, but also the idea that they should feel some sympathy for the monster. I have been in self and vanity publishing for three years, and in my vast experience I know that the combination of love and sex do not work, especially when you toss in something like monsters.

We wish you the best of luck elsewhere.

Sincerely,

John Imma Prude
Purity Publishing
Denber, Colorado

(AMIDOINGITRITE?)

Dear Mr. Shakespeare,

Everything you've written is much too purple for our staff to comprehend, much less tolerate. We suggest you try an academic publisher.

Sincerely,

You Name It Publishers for Playwrights

Dear Mr. Martin,

While much of your book is fascinating, we prefer to focus on stand-alone novels at this time, and feel that a volume of some 27,000 pages would prove unwieldy in the marketplace. If you would consider consolidating or eliminating some of these characters, we would love to look at your manuscript again.

Best,

Red Wombat


Dear Mr. Martin,

Ah. Yes. I believe I have discovered the problem. "Eliminate some of these characters" may have been an unfortunate choice of words on my part. Very sorry for the confusion.

Best,

Red Wombat

E. L. James,

No.

Signed,
The Literary World

Dear E.L. James,
I just finished your manuscript. Thank you for submitting your work. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Unfortunately, I had an aneurysm lurking in my circle of Willis which dissected while I was laughing at your work. As I am currently dealing with medical issues, I will be unable to represent your work. That aside, I don't generally represent comedy.

Ohh drat! I missed the one right before mine. Now I'm a copy cat

Dear Ms. Meyer -

Thank you for your submission. We regret to inform you that we won't be able to accept Twilight for publication at this time. While we found your character descriptions vivid (especially that sparkling thing), we feel the editing required to strip the work of repetitive, juvenile descriptions, plot holes and misogynistic, horrifying characterizations and situations would simply be too much for our staff of only 27 editors and 42 assistants.

We encourage you to keep writing and perhaps pick up a copy of Ms. magazine, or, really, anything not written by Phyllis Schlafly. We might also suggest pursuing publication by some branch of the Church of Latter Day Saints, which may be more attuned to your story. Good luck with your future endeavours.

Sincerely,

The Modern World

Dear Mr. Donne,

We regret to inform you that your latest work entitled No Man is an Island, has sunk to new depths. If this is a metaphor meaning that man must be with others, then why did you not write, No Man Should Be Without Companionship which implies having a wife or a best friend or even a dog?

We believe that simple is best, Mr. Donne.

You have submitted your work to us many times, and many times we have rejected it as being too dense and meaningful. We are done here, Mr. Donne. Please take this play on words in the right vein, preferably cutting both of yours open with a rusted quill pen.

Faithfully yours,

Gregory Ripoff, Escuse Me Periodicals

Dear Mr Orwell,

After perusing your recent dystopian attempt, I must admit that while I've enjoyed some of your lighter fare, the concept of your current submission is preposterous. Whereas your imagination truly soared on this one, it will never catch. Telescreens, an endless war, Newspeak, Anti-Sex League and Memory Holes are amusing ideas. But sir, you've obviously locked yourself away in your Scottish cabin a bit too long. These things will never happen and are beyond the comprehension of current or future readers on this planet. As for Doublethink and government control to such degree, well, that's un-American. We simply will not entertain such nonsense. I suggest you write more tales about talking animals. We really like those.

Sincerely,

Harry T. Phlaw
Editor Ectradina Extradornia Extroadrin The Big Guy
Phlaw, Phake, and Phucked LLP

Dear Mr. Miéville,

While we appreciated your submission of Perdido Street Station, there's simply too much going on. You have compressed four or five books worth of ideas into this single tome. Maybe try toning down your vocabulary while you're at it. And, frankly, pick a genre next time--perhaps practice writing one steampunk, one fantasy, one horror, and one sci-fi instead of combining them all into one story.

PS: Bug people and humans should not hook up. Ick.

Sincerely,
Not the editor you got, thank fuck.

Dear Ernie,

We're sorry to inform you that your skimpy Cuban novella is a "no go". Three words: OLD PEOPLE SUCK!

Although you might eventually unearth someone willing to publish your little fish-story, please note that it simply does not offer the type of universal and ageless message desired by the reading public at this time.

See you later (unless I see you first),

Your editor

My dear Fyodor,

Really! Do you expect any publisher to take on The Brothers Karamazov? I admit the plot has its titillations, er, I mean it will interest many. But why do you include so many religious ramblings? Surely, man, you don't expect religious types to enjoy the plot, and those who enjoy the plot will want nothing to do with all that religious nonsense.

If you want to cut the nonsense out, we'll talk.

Yours,

Igor, editor
Nyet Publications

Dear Mrs. Christie,

We regret to inform you that we won't be taking on The Murder of Roger Ackroyd. Seems to me the man got what he deserved. Who will care who killed him?

Oh, by the way, I showed the manuscript to Roscoe in our legal department. He is of the opinion that the AMA will take exception to your ending and might sue.

Sincerely,

Melinda Fraidy, publisher
Fraidy Cat Mysteries, Limited

Dear Mr. Carroll,

After thorough consideration, I regret to inform you that we are rejecting your manuscript. Children are very impressionable, and we cannot afford the liability should they attempt to leap down holes in order to reach this 'Wonderland' you describe so enticingly. The only thing more dangerous would be encouraging them to walk through mirrors!

Sincerely,
A. N. Editor

Dear Clive,

It is with great regret that we shall have to turn down your manuscript. While the concept of a talking lion was difficult enough to believe in, the ideas of magic mirrors and cabinets that convey children to a magic land were incredibly difficult to digest.

Even more so, should one of those unfortunate children be trapped within that cabinet, then I would not want to be the one responsible for it. We must take responsibility for the little ones, must we not?

I shall assume that you have taken that question as a rhetorical one. And lions are rather dangerous when not tamed or given that soothing potion known as a tranquilizer. One does not approach a wild animal in a zoo, yet you'd have these children approach one with no trepidation whatsoever.

I wish you well in finding a publisher for your manuscript.

Sincerely,

H.R. Puffinhead
Head Publisher, Wino Publications, 88 Inebriation Avenue