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View Full Version : FIRST IMPRESSIONS?!!????!!!



johnpatrick
11-08-2013, 04:13 PM
So I made the first draft of my story, and I want your first impressions :)) Here's an excerpt:

I was proud to be an Apten. I entered the bus as I held the arm of my older brother, Max. He sat beside me, looking at the Glam girl sitting at the other row of the seats. Max liked to court girls from other castes though I had told many times to court only an Apten girl. He told me that all the Apten girls were the same: plain, dry, bookworms and weak. But not all were like that. Marrying someone from another caste was forbidden. I did not know why. “Stop looking at her, Max!” I snapped. “Shut up!” said Max, still staring at the blond girl. “She’s pretty.” I rolled my eyes. Of course all Glams were beautiful. They were all enhanced to entertain higher castes. All of them underwent extreme plastic surgery to be perfect. They got the right body, perfect face shape yet they were third only from the five castes. On the other hand, Aptens had enhanced intelligence and memory, making then superior among the five. We were second among the five. We reached a road filled with flags placed at both sides of the sidewalk. There was a text written vertically on them, in white color and in uppercase: APTEN. The flags were placed a week before the Tally, an exciting event wherein the money of each castes they made within fifty years would be counted and the caste which had the most will be the highest and richest among the five. A large river called McIntosh separated the Metropolis from Apten Region. We crossed the bridge. The Metropolis was a part of the city where all castes thrived together: large buildings poked the skyline, Valtor police scattered around—guarding the area—from what I didn’t know. I turned my head and caught a glimpse of the Imperial Palace: a large illuminated building whose architecture was cathedral-like. The Caste Leaders used to hold meetings there.

Chris P
11-08-2013, 04:24 PM
Whoa, back up the critique truck. We have a special forum for this sort of thing, called the Share Your Work (SYW) forum. Once you get 50 posts, you will be more than welcome to post it there and receive input.

In the meantime, read a bunch of threads here and provide input on the work of other posters. You'll have the 50 posts in no time, and by the time you are ready to post you will likely want to revise this excerpt before posting.

Oh, and please don't post the same message in different forums. All of us get around here pretty freely, so there isn't any need to double post. :)

dpaterso
11-08-2013, 04:41 PM
Yep, there's a 50 posts requirement before you can post anything for feedback, see here:

Starting new threads in SYW - minimum post count requirement (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=199915) Password if prompted = vista

Closing this thread until you hit the big 50. Forum mods may decide otherwise.

-Derek