Spoiled Stepdaughter...and Nothing I Can Do...A Rant

I am really, really spoiled by my husband. I never thought I'd be treated like this. I never thought my standard of living would be anything more than living hand-to-mouth and giving up one thing have another.

I know how fortunate I am.

But I am really frustrated. My husband spoils our daughter. My stepdaughter, technically. She's 9.

Part of me gets it. We have the money. She doesn't act like a spoiled little brat (yet.) Why not give her what she needs and then some? It isn't like we always say yes when we're shopping and she wants something. But...Christmas' and Birthdays are ridiculous. And we give her more spending money for vacations than I saw in a year of my childhood. On top of THAT we buy her other stuff while on vacation. And not to mention the random stuff throughout the year like a $150 deer head mounted on her wall. Yes, we have a strange child.

My husband swears that as soon as she starts acting entitled and spoiled, that's when it all stops.

But this Christmas is just way, way over the top. DH originally just wanted to get her a computer. She's starting to use ours for stuff. I was okay with that, especially since we're going used. But, DD says she wants an iPod Touch...so DH just bought her one of those too. And this was all after a good $400 set of jewelry.

Then there's the iPod accessories and other "little" stuff.

I think, and I hate this, but if I'm honest with myself, part of me is jealous as hell. Not because my life isn't amazing, but because I had it so different as a kid. I was the oldest, and still somehow I had hand-me-down clothes. I got one "big" gift at Christmas or for my Birthday, somewhere in the range probably of $50. If it was more, it was my Christmas AND Birthday present that year. We ate fish sticks and Roman Noodles (DD gets filet. Or salmon. Or crab meat and lobster and shrimp.)

She doesn't even know what she has. Not at all. I am afraid she's going to grow up to expect this kind of life rather than realizing she has to work for it. Despite the fact that my husband leads by example as a very hard worker and does make her help him do things - from changing the oil to mowing and cleaning up the yard and even takes her to a job site sometimes.

I guess it could go either way.

And I needed an outlet. Because no matter which way you look at it, since I don't bring in the real money, and let's face it, since I'm just the stepmom (even though DH does not treat me that way, nor does DD), there is nothing I can do about it.

Yeah...you're right. And to the #3, I've thought of that. DH wants her to know how to use a computer, and I agree with all of that. I just feel like it's so much! IDK.

I feel better already, even if I only get your response.

OMG he just bought her a used iPad too.

Thanks, guys. chompers, I didn't think of it that way. Pampered vs. spoiled. I just...what is she going to do with a laptop, an iTouch AND an iPad? I don't even use all of mine! Okay, I do, but...I only use the iPad to watch Netflix on the rare times I workout on my elliptical. Or I guess on small trips when I don't want to bring a laptop.

Okay...I just need to remember that DD is really a very good child and get over this, right? DH does tend to overdo things, too. The stuff he's bought me, the things he's done for me...

I think part of the jealousy, and again, I really hate to admit this! But I think part of it is a feeling that it doesn't seem right that a 9-year old should enjoy all the same luxuries I do.

Yup. OMG I am jealous of a 9-year old.

Yorkist said:

Also, something could happen as an alternative to being spoiled.

She could grow up to be a good person, one that's generous and not terribly possessive of things, and one that counts people as far more important than stuff.

Because, at the end of the day, that's all that it is - stuff.

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You know, she actually is like that already. She's pretty generous about sharing her things. She does like to keep everything, but...she's not possessive.

Rina Evans said:

I personally also feel it's too much, despite the technology age and the fact there is money to spend. But that's just me. I have some very spoiled kids as family members who gt let the gadgets and the ridiculous spending money, and those kids are insufferable. The parents think they're precious.

Maybe really try to talk about it, so she grows up to appreciate this and not take it for granted. Or have a honest discussion with your husband about more reasonable limits for presents?

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I definitely agree that we need to make sure she understands the importance of these gifts. That she understands and appreciates them.

I have tried to talk to DH about it, and he just looks at like...at least with the laptop, these are required skills, and the sooner she learns to use them, the better. I agree with that. And I was fine with just a laptop.

It's hard to talk to DH about stuff like this. He just tells me we're financially stable enough to buy these things, so there's no need to worry. He assures me that as soon as she starts taking things for granted and expecting things and acting spoiled, everything will stop. Once he's made decisions like this, there's really nothing I can do change his mind, and there's little room for discussion.

WillSauger said:

Anyways, go buy yourself a $8 coffee.

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Ha.

As to the rest of your post, as I mentioned above, I have talked to him. Many times about it. He just keeps telling me that if that time down the road comes, we'll stop giving her things and he'll take her to work with him and make her hand-sand some drywall.

robjvargas said:

I had a big ole response typed up, then decided I went too far. So I'll just say this: Please don't do this.

It's completely understandable.

But "I'm just the stepmom" makes me think you're holding something back. It's not my place to speculate what. I can't help wondering why, though.

Like you said, they're not treating you that way. So be the mom. At least express yourself.

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You know, I'm not hiding anything. But maybe I'm misspeaking.

DH and I work as a team. But DH is such a way that when his foot is down or he's made a decision, that's what's going to happen. I think he'd be buying her the same things even if she were my bio-daughter, and I told him I thought we were overdoing it.

And he does this with everyone. He likes to give at the holidays. We overspend on everyone. He just bought my Grandfather a rock tumbler because he is retired and makes jewelry.

Rina Evans said:

I'd be worried about him saying 'as soon as she starts acting spoiled'. A) That might be too late. B) parents very, very often don't see their children are spoiled. My little niece gave me such a cold, derisive look after I gave her my ten dollar present for her birthday. She threw it in the trash. Are her parents aware? No. You can't even talk to them about how she handles give when they're not around. Not saying your stepdaughter is the same, but parents are often too close to the issue, and many, many suffer of spoiling their children with things because they *can*. But it is possible to be raised well-off, pampered and grounded.

(but his attitude of showing her work and responsibilities and all that, that's good!)

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Wow. Well, I can guarantee right now she doesn't act spoiled. My best example: last Christmas she got 3 of the same book about horses. The third time she opened it, she jumped up and down and said, "Yay! Now I have 3 of them!" The person who gave her the third one told her it could be exchanged, and she said "No! Now I have one for mommy's house, one for daddy and April's, and one extra! Thank you!"

But I do see your point. Many people don't notice their own kids because they have blinders on. Maybe that will be an advantage for me as a stepmother.

robjvargas said:

Gotcha. That kind of "I'm just a..." phrasing is a bit of a personal trigger.

I've seen that used too many times as a reason to not even try.

Thanks. I was afraid I was digging too deep.

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I understand and appreciate your concern. DH has always expected DD to listen to me, obey me, and respect me the same way she does him. And she does. (On top of that, she loves me too, which is awesome! )

cornflake said:

Tons of kids have the technology stuff - and will be or are required to. I know more than one kid who was required to have the latest (before yesterday, heh) ipad to start the school year, because that's how their stuff - notes, test prep, etc. - is distributed. Most kids I know also have smartphones and laptops.

The idea that you didn't get it so she shouldn't, or that it's necessarily somehow spoiling her because it's more than you had, is odd to me.

It also reads, though I could be wrong, as if you believe just having stuff or having money, or not having to have NOT had stuff, will equate to her being spoiled.

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You're right. And I don't think...I think it just seems like so much at such a young age. What do we get her next year?

I do know some schools are requiring it. I know that there's a girl in her class with a smartphone and many more with the iTouch.

I definitely do not mean to imply that all children who grow up with means end up spoiled, and I'm sorry if it came across that way. I guess...I'm trying to figure out how to word this.

You know, it boils down to feeling like it's all so much. It didn't bother me when it was just the Android tablet. Or JUST the MP3 player. It was all of that all at once seemed like overkill.

But, you've made me feel really silly about it all, so I just may have gotten over it now.

Thanks - and I mean this not be snarky but to be honest - for putting me in my place.