Married couples...hm...

You're insane!
Just kidding..but you did ask.
Seriously..there's a balance. A person can't run around with intense emotions all the time, they'd wear out. There are times in my marriage when we may become somewhat complacent, take each other for granted, or have some issue between us that stifles the love expressions some. However, the constant knowledge that I have this friend, this companion and partner beside me no matter what happens in my life, if so much more comforting than the high of the intense romantic emotions that come during the falling in love period. But that doesn't mean we don't still share those feelings. Everyday here. I would say, with few exceptions, I have always been excited to see my spouse and the desire for him is ever present. Just one look in my eyes and he knows this. We may be reserved around some people, heck we know it can be offensive and inappropriate to be all lovey-dovey in public. A casual observer may not see the contact, but we make it, sometimes with just a look. I definitely am a thousand times more in love with him now than when dating. After 11 years of marriage, it's a more mature emotion, and deeper high. There's a confidence and security as well as the joy and thrill. The passion is also more intense, because i know how well he knows me as a lover. But don't forget, there's still the every day trudgery of life. I'm sure there are many couples who have fallen out of love for whatever reason, but don't assume that all are like that. There may be more going on than meets the observer's eye.

You become more comfortable together over time. Newlyweds (without children,) may be able to be more spontaneous, but after the kids come, there is alot of adult priorities to deal with.


A relationship has many facets, and sex between people is just one of them.

special needs said:

Do married couples love eachother less? Okay, stupid question, and I know what the answer is going to be. Perhaps I'm looking for a 'how/why' than a 'yes or no'. I doubt very seriously that their love fades any, but they somehow act differently than those who are just 'dating'. By this I mean (and I guess you could call me stereoytypical, and there are exceptions to every rule, I know) that all too often I see married couples meet after a long day at work and completely ignore eachother, or give eachother a quick peck.

God knows, if I spent an entire day without my S.O, I'd have to do more than just peck him when he got home. (Is that weird? Maybe its a good thing we work together?) My friend, who just recently got engaged, used to never come out of the bedroom when her boyfriend was around---now that he's asked her to marry him, she just completely ignores him.

Do married couples just learn to 'deal' with their love more? Am I insane and imagining things?

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Hi, SN

I can't tell if you are talking about love or intimacy. In other words, the whole thing or just one of many integral parts. People who equate that part with the whole are either inexperienced in love, or haven't had a very good experience, in my opinion. Other possibilities exist...

You love them but things change after you you get that paper. The first year or two or three it may be great. You come home from work and the clothes go flyin', every room in the house look like a tornado hit it and then you lay there, breathless with a cig in your mouth talking about your day as the kitchen floor gets cold under your bum.

Then the change happens. You get use to have the person there. It's like they have always been there and always will be. You get into a routine and the flame you first had is still there but buried under kids, bills, work, etc. It's kind of like when you get a new dog. When you first come home your excited to see it and you started playing with it but after awhile you just come in and pat the dog on the head and throw your stuff down and grab a beer. The dog is the same way. At first he is happy to see you, tail wagging, jumping up and down, mouthing you. Then after a few years he just walks up to you, gets his pat on the head and then goes lays back down and goes to sleep.

We are creatures of routine and routines happen after your married awhile. It's a shame, but it does happen.

special needs said:

...all too often I see married couples meet after a long day at work and completely ignore eachother, or give eachother a quick peck.

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What did you expect them to do in front of witnesses? Remember, they have the whole evening ahead of them.

Love is deeper than intimacy. Sometimes you have to work at it a little. When we were first married, people always talked about how "sweet" the two of us always were - even after 10 years.

And then we went through something that almost killed both of us - but we survived.

And, though we still loved each other, we found we had to work at making our relationships work.

Now, we go out almost every Friday night. The kids are finally old enough to stay home alone. (I'm super protective, girls are 15 and 13 and one 22 Down syndrome girl)

We'll go out to dinner, go dancing, or once in a while we will go to the movies. We don't always have money, so on those days, we'll grab an In-and_Out burger and then Starbucks and then head to Borders or just walk around downtown, holding hands. They are some of my favorite "dates"

There have times in my marriage where hubby and I greeted each other after a long day and could barely make it through the door before tearing each others clothes off. There have been times we've met each other with cold glares and a 'gee, it's about dang time' expression. Times we've spoken or touched only as a force of habit and nothing more. Times we've avoided speaking or touching. Times we spoke and touched in anger. And though we've been married for ten years, the order of these times is not at all in the order you would expect.

We are extremely passionate people. When we love, we love passionately. When we are angry, we are angry with a passion. It wears you down over time, until you have nothing left. When we stopped fighting, stopped trying to 'fix' everything, that's when I knew we were in trouble.

Marriage is so much work, and though this is cliche, it really can be worth it. I never knew I could be this happy and I never knew I could endure so much pain. If you are not ready to do the hard work to get through to the great stuff, do not get married. It is not a fairy tale. He is not your knight in shining armor. He is sometimes a jerk. So are you. He will mess up a hundred times. So will you.

Your most vicious, most hurtful fights will go in circles, dragging you both through the pain over and over until you give up, become comfortable in the fights, quit trying, or learn that this talking thing we humans do to communicate is really, fundamentally flawed because we all speak a different language. And it takes years and years to become fluent in a language, especially when you are foolish enough (like I was) to believe you already speak the language.

It took us seven years, filled with so many happy times, and so much pure hell, but stubborn as we both are, something happened, something finally broke, and my language started becoming clearer to him and his to me and it was amazing. We'd both been screaming the same thing at each other for years, we just didn't know it.

Now, our normal greeting is he'll walk through the door and wrap his arms around me, kiss me softly and smile. Before we can get much more than a 'hello' out, our son and daughter are wrapped around his legs and our house erupts in this joyous energy, all because he walked through the door. My heart still skips a beat when I hear him pull in the drive. And though we've been married for a decade, many people mistake us for newlyweds. Our passion and physical intimacy is much more satisfying and wild and fun and romantic and meaningful than it was in the beginning. And we still have a very active love life, more so than after a few years of marriage.

Basically, we learned to communicate, we learned not to take each other for granted, and we learned it all the hard way because we're stubborn. But, most importantly, we learned it together.

If your biggest worry is that things will be too boring or too routine, then I have to say you need a bigger reality check of what this marriage thing is (especially a marriage between two hotheads). Boring has never been our problem but each couple is different. The one thing I can say for us, no matter what, through fun and fury, through sadness and joy, we kept it interesting.

When you are dating you are in the "wooing stage" - you both are on your best behaviour and are putting your relationship above everything else. This is easy to do - you don't have any more pressing worries other than dinner or a movie? Or his place or yours? However when you marry, you now must become an accomplished juggler - compromising, yet still maintaining your sense of "self," managing your relationship together, your relationship with your children, relationships with family, inlaws, your job, his job, money, houses, religion etc etc. Things that you dealt with singly are now issues for you both and often you won't agree. Make sure that you are in agreement on most of these "hot buttons" before you marry, it will save you years of frustration.

Marriage is not for the weak or faint of heart. You must have something more than great sex or it's not going to work. You have to genuinely like the person as well as love them. If they annoy you now, but you can over look it because you are sexually attracted to them, they will not annoy you less when the newness of the relationship wears off, on the contrary it will annoy you that much more.

Make sure that you marry your friend as well as your lover, or it won't last.

Obviously, then, you shouldn't get married. At least not to him.

Yep, I'm with Pam.

It will become boring. The day to day existance of most people's lives is really pretty mundane. Get up, go to work, buy groceries, take kids to hockey, clean house, walk the dog, go to bed - then do the same thing again the next day. This is why you make sure you like, as well as love your spouse. You both have to be on the same page, and want the same goals and find joy in day to day life with each other - or you will not be happy together.

It could be that you are not mature enough to make such a life altering decision just yet. However if you are but are continuously looking for other men to make it exciting, you will be repeating an endless cycle - dumping one to go on to the next when things get too staid. If that's the case you should look inward, to see why you need that constant excitment/attention, because until you understand yourself, you will not be happy with another.

jmo.

each and every marriage is different, and not just because the names are different, but because of the people.

if you feel that the fun in your life comes, in part, from multiple sexual partners than talk to your boyfriend and tell him thats how you want to live and see what he says.

perhaps it will become even more fun then.

ps.
life is a beautiful primary school teacher who makes a second living by selling cheese to the EU. fun is her cheese. deny her cheese. there is more to life than cheese. perhaps you would like some biscuits and grapes??

I'd say you have a lot of personal issues to work through before getting married. JMHO.

special needs said:

I'm a biotch, though. No, I mean, I'm selfish. I dont want him to have other girls, I want him to stay home and watch tv while I go out and have fun. Heh, that looks worse in writing than it does in my head, but its true.

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No offense, but this scenario sounds like my brother's ex-wife. She stayed out for hours, even days, partying, while my brother stayed home and watched her kids (from previous relationships--she started having kids pretty young, and felt that she never had a chance to have a fun time in her teens).

From my point of view (knowing what my brother went through) it's not fair to him to expect that. It sounds as though you're just not ready to settle down yet, and that's fine. He may disappointed that you don't want to settle down, but better be disappointed now than after you're married and you're both miserable and end up in a divorce. I know you don't want to let go of him, but it just doesn't sound like the two of you are ready for this right now. I always wondered what people meant when they said "When you find the right guy, you'll know." I dated a few guys, and I always had doubts. When I met my husband just knew without a doubt. You'll just know when you're ready--that's all I can say. But to give in and get married now, when you're not ready, would not be fair to either of you. When the time/guy is right you'll just know.

It's important, I think, to distinguish between conjugal love and all the other 345435 million brands of what we, in English, cram into one word: love.

Of course this is just my own personal opinion, but I find your attitude selfish and cruel with no regard whatsoever for another human being's feelings in a very vulnerable situation.


I weep for the poor bastard.