Do family members' opinions count? Or do they just love you?

I think it depends on your family. Some people will lie their guts out because they love you. Then there are others.


My mother reads what I write. I don't think I've ever been more thoroughly put through a meatgrinder in terms of logic and plot consistency. I'll get stuff back covered in red, with 'THIS MAKES NO SENSE ARE THEY STUPID?' in my margins. Grammar and I are buddies, but I'm always flabbergasted by the amount of stuff she catches.


So, it varies. More in terms of personality than their relationship to you, I think. You can get a random stranger as a beta who's so terrified of hurting your feelings you have to read everything five times to get what they mean.

annetookeen said:

But my mom just kills my work. This isn't you at all, yikes your grammar, sorry didn't get this, etc. I let her beta read all right!

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There are always exceptions, but as a general rule, family members and good friends are likely to push their comments through the 'will this start a feud?' or 'my son wrote this filth?' or 'is this character patterned on me?' filters.

Also possible is that they're just not interested, but can't say so, and they do a half-hearted job.

Little Anonymous Me said:

I think it depends on your family.

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Definitely. My husband has read and reviewed what I've written, and there were just so many issues he brought up. All good points, but... eek.

I am pretty sure in some cases he is still being careful not to hurt my feelings, and I am certain if someone else had written it, he would properly rip into it... but he's still had a very beneficial effect on my WIP.

I wouldn't show it to my mum, sister or rest of my family though - I've learned my lesson in that regard.

For me, they definitely do. Often my family is more critical of me than others because they want me to succeed. My dad will tell me flat out if he doesn't like an idea and it's helpful. Same with my boyfriend. If he doesn't like an idea he doesn't say it outright, but his interest level makes it obvious.

Depends upon the family - on what are their opinions based (apart from mild envy or admiration that one of the family has actually written something you know, like J K Rowling did) and in the final analysis do their opinions really matter as far as technique and writing and story goes?

Paolini is not the norm regarding family involvement.

dangerousbill said:

There are always exceptions, but as a general rule, family members and good friends are likely to push their comments through the 'will this start a feud?' or 'my son wrote this filth?' or 'is this character patterned on me?' filters.

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Sat Nam! (literally "Truth Name"--a Sikh greeting)

This is the only problem with using family as beta readers I've had. They are otherwise excellent at catching inconsistencies, inaccuracies and typos. But then, my Mom is a former English teacher. And my husband is an archtypical Virgo.

Blessings,

Siri Kirpal

I swap university essays with my sister, I rip her essays to pieces, and she takes revenge. We are both on the 2:1/First Class boundary.

Of course sometimes she doesn't listen. Just this week she was reading back an essay, and said 'I should I've done this . . .' To which I replied, 'is what I told you.'

My husband and I always beta-read for one another.

It probably helps that we started out with one anothers' theses. If we hadn't corrected problems in those honestly, we'd both have failed.

I never show my family anything until it's done. My son reads my blog, my brothers occasionally, my daughter and my sisters never and my wife just smiles sweetly.

When I was starting as a writer I cared so much what my family thought I would all but stick the finished product under their noses as if to say, "I wrote this. Isn't it great?"

But just as you don't want to be unkind when you see a friend's baby and it's so ugly you don't know where it should be burped or walked on a leash, you say, "Awwwww...it's so precious."

The best person to look to for affirmation of your ability and talent is the one staring back at you in the mirror. Please that guy first and you can live with what the rest of the world thinks.

Thank your family for their opinion, kiss them on the forehead and then ignore it and go right back to writing what you like.

nighttimer said:

The best person to look to for affirmation of your ability and talent is the one staring back at you in the mirror. Please that guy first and you can live with what the rest of the world thinks.

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This was so very needed in my life right now.

I have never really depended on family to provide the crits I need on my writing. As much as my mother wants to proclaim that she really is a discerning and picky reader and that she really does know good writing when she reads it and that she really isn't saying this to spare my feelings....

She is still my mother. I take it with gratitude that she is so supportive and move along.

... it can work, obviously.
Many members, here, give evidence of that.
Doing so just comes with a caveat.
Bias is a real risk.
Substantially less so with strangers.
Plus, if they annoy you with a harsh crit,
and you're unable to deal with that, maturely,
you can tell them to #&%@ off.

Not something you can do with a relation !

It depends. I don't think my parents would be happy knowing their sweet, loving daughter writes about teenagers killing one another. But Mr. Putt's really supportive and gives really honest (sometimes too honest ) crit. He's the only familial beta I have, and there's not much difference in the level of harshness in his crit vs the crits I get from AWers...so it just depends.

I let my sister read my manuscript, thinking she reads a lot and will lend a critical eye. She loved it. Then I read another book she recommended (it was awful, so amateurish and cliche) and realized she has no clue what she's talking about.

Oi.

I'm with the general consensus of "it depends on the family member."

My husband is an absolutely brilliant (and brutal) content / developmental editor. He's not a writer (thought he does write the occasional story / profile for RPG characters), but he's an intelligent, lifelong avid reader and a natural critic...it's awe-inspiring to hear him rip movie plots apart.

And my mother (also a lifelong avid reader) gave me one of the most helpful crits I've gotten on a book and helped me fix a rather glaring problem.

Annetookeen, it sounds like your mother is one of those genuinely helpful critical readers. I think having her beta is good!

Totally depends on the family member.

I've been writing since I was a child. I couldn't PAY my parents or sisters to read my work. Still can't.

My daughter, OTOH, is one of the greatest copy editors I've ever met (she learned from her father) and is able to point out grammar issues and leave the writing style completely alone.

And many of my good friends are now friends because we've been beta'ing each other for well over a decade. They'd better be reading my stuff. LOL! The rest of my friends are more likely to buy it after it comes out than read it beforehand, so I don't expect that of them or will never read it at all. It's all good.

Useful critiques will provide areas where a story needs improving and/or where the craft of writing for this story needs improving. If family members and friends can provide either type of critique, it is fine. Often, they evaluate the story as a reader, which can be a valuable addition to the critique panel an author solicits. It is wise to couple the reader-critique to a critique from someone (or multiple someones) with more familiarity with the writing craft to give balance to the overall evaluation.

One reason some new writers go to family and friends is to get an ego stroke. The question is if the ego stroke did anything to strengthen the story itself, or did it just empower the writer to go forward with the story "as is."

DeleyanLee said:

I've been writing since I was a child. I couldn't PAY my parents or sisters to read my work. Still can't.

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Same here. Much as I loved my mother, she wanted me to get a PhD, not be a writer. And even if I'd had a bestselling novel, she wouldn't have read it, because she didn't read fiction at all.

She'd have been even more disappointed that she couldn't brag about my books, because nearly everyone she knew was so religious that they'd have been appalled at my writing books with sex in them. Ditto for my father. Basically, my books would have been like that crazy uncle in the basement who no one ever talks about.

Kind of a relief that I don't have to worry about what my family might think any more.

I'm in agreement with the general consensus. For me reactions to chapter one went like this:

Mom: "Can I have chapter two?"
Dad: "I thought it was very good"
Sister: "I would read that."
Brother: "Well, there are a few points I wanted to make...ten minutes criticism (constructive)..."
And when he was finished I asked him "but, did you like it?" and he said "Oh," like he had forgotten that part, "Yes." That was all.

So I have most of my family to go to for general encouragement and goo feeling, and baby bro to go to if I need it ripped to shreds!

Thankfully I have a couple of writer friends who are happy to scribble all over my manuscript and tell me what they think.

Little Anonymous Me said:

I think it depends on your family. Some people will lie their guts out because they love you. Then there are others.

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I agree with this post. But I also take what they say with a grain of salt, just as I do with a non-family member who beta-reads. Everyone's take--including editors--is different on how a story should be told, and what works and what doesn't. One time I had two editors of a magazine, debating with each other, what worked and what didn't. Grammar and spelling, though, is another ball game. I either look it up to be sure, or do a mental head slap.

I think it depends on the personality of the family member too. Some might go the 'That's great, honey!' route to even the most putrid pile of rubbish you give them because they love you and don't want to crush your dreams and hurt your feelings while others might go into crazy-stage-mom mode and CRITICIZE-EVERY-FREAKING-THING even the things that don't need it because they know everything and you know nothing.

Just remember, unless they are a writer themselves or are educated in that way, not all the advice they give will be useful and you just have to sit there and indulge them because if you try to go 'But grandma, that's not how you use commas!' it will be butthurt-city!

My husband is my one and only beta. He once threw a ms. across the room and screamed, "They'll never buy this."

He was wrong; they did. And I still let him read my stuff.

I often ask my mom to read over the short romance stories I write for a woman's magazine (she's part of the target audience after all). While the first thing she usually says afterwards is along the lines of "Oh honey, it's so good! It's lovely!", she also catches each and every typo and points out things that go right over my head.

I let only one family member beta read my work. The rest do not really care, and that's fine by me.