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special needs
02-17-2006, 11:58 PM
Hm, what are some general things you'd advise people against to help them better their lives? Mine...
1. Do not, under any circumstances, eat yellow snow.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, hide your 'naughty' things in a place where one might go looking for chocolate.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, poke yourself in the head with a fork...

...Yours?

brokenfingers
02-17-2006, 11:59 PM
Never answer the dreaded question:

"Do I look fat in this?"

PattiTheWicked
02-18-2006, 12:08 AM
Listen to people when they say "We're professionals, don't try this at home."

special needs
02-18-2006, 12:11 AM
Never answer the dreaded question:

"Do I look fat in this?"

..Never answer it truthfully, you mean?

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 12:14 AM
Never answer the dreaded question:

"Do I look fat in this?"

What do you mean 'never answer'....the 'correct' answer is (without ANY hesitation): No...you look great.

If they press you further with: "But it feels tighter...."

You reply most apologetically: "You know, I think I accidentally put that in the dryer the last time I did laundry. It must have shrunk. I'm sorry. Why don't we go shopping and get you something to replace it.....?"

:)

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 12:15 AM
Listen to people when they say "We're professionals, don't try this at home."

I hate when prostitutes and pornstars say that..... ;)

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 12:18 AM
Never answer the dreaded question:

"Do I look fat in this?"

Or, you could go the other way and answer:

"Do I look fat in this?"

"You look fat out of it...."

Or...

"Do these jeans make my butt look big?"

"No, your butt makes your butt look big...."

Of course, you should be able to cook, clean and take care of all sorts of things by yourself before you resort to this level of honesty..... ;)

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 12:19 AM
Actually, my dad used to always tell me...

"Pick your battles."

Fortunately, my wife and I get along really well so there haven't really been too many 'battles'...and after almost 6 happy years of marriage, I think that's pretty good. :)

Take care all --

Shadow_Ferret
02-18-2006, 12:39 AM
My advice is to never give advice.

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 12:40 AM
My advice is to never give advice.

Good non-advice. :)

brokenfingers
02-18-2006, 12:40 AM
Hmmm.. it seems I erred.

The question should've been "Do these pants make me look fat?" But I now formally retract my advice.

My new advice?

"Expect the unexpected."

Kevin Yarbrough
02-18-2006, 12:42 AM
Do not, under any circumstances, do it until your blind. Stop after you get a cramp. Glasses are expensive.

eldragon
02-18-2006, 12:43 AM
Do not volunteer to be a Girl Scout leader. Run, run as fast as you can. Don't ask.

tiny
02-18-2006, 01:07 AM
What do you mean 'never answer'....the 'correct' answer is (without ANY hesitation): No...you look great.



Oh, come on!!! The answer is "Not just those Baby!"

Kinda like the answer to "Do these make me look fat?" is "No, your @ss does."


:D

kikazaru
02-18-2006, 01:11 AM
Do not under any circumstances allow your daughter and her little friend to play in the bathroom where you keep your nail polish.

When you yell "what are you doing in there" do not under any circumstances believe them when they say "nothiiiiiing."

Anyone got a spare tylenol? I've got the worst nail polish remover fume induced headache imaginable. :rant:

Maryn
02-18-2006, 01:12 AM
Learn to say "no" without explaining why. Saves you a world of volunteering for jobs nobody in their right mind would do.

"I know you'd like to lead the girls' troop this year."
"No, I'm afraid I just couldn't."
"Oh, do you have another commitment Wednesdays? Because we could resched--"
"I can't do it. Sorry. Good luck finding someone."

That way, you get to do your volunteerism on things you're actually good at that you don't mind doing, like typing orchestra programs and the newsletter (silently correcting the grammar and spelling).

Maryn

MarkN
02-18-2006, 01:17 AM
I think my favorite one is "Don't fry bacon in the nude."

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 01:27 AM
Don't pee on an electric fence.....

special needs
02-18-2006, 01:30 AM
I think my favorite one is "Don't fry bacon in the nude."

Don't visit Wal Mart in the nude, either....:ROFL:

Kevin Yarbrough
02-18-2006, 01:32 AM
Don't get drunk and immitate what you see in the 'Porky' movies.

kappapi99
02-18-2006, 01:33 AM
Never, under ANY circumstances, leave a 2 y/o to his or her own devices...

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 01:34 AM
Don't get drunk and immitate what you see in the 'Porky' movies.

How about: Don't get drunk and immitate what you see in the "Animals Gone Wild" videos.....

NeuroFizz
02-18-2006, 01:37 AM
I said this one in a post some time ago... (from a father to son)

Son, you're not done until she's done.

Kevin Yarbrough
02-18-2006, 01:38 AM
How about: Don't get drunk and immitate what you see in the "Animals Gone Wild" videos.....

If I'm not mistaken, those type of things are illegal in all 50 states. :e2shower: :e2bear:

special needs
02-18-2006, 01:38 AM
I said this one in a post some time ago... (from a father to son)

Son, you're not done until she's done.

That is VERY good advice.

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 01:42 AM
No means no.

preyer
02-18-2006, 01:50 AM
never say to a cop, 'man, i couldn't walk that line if i was sober.'

never say to your wife who's wanting to purchase a modest luxury item after she's pointed out all your toys (guitars, cars, video games, etc.), 'but, sweetheart, you've got plenty of toys already, like the washing machine, stove, vacuum cleaner....' i pretty much guarantee you they won't find the humour in that if my own personal experience is any indication.

when a woman complains, 'why do women have to have periods every month?' try to refrain from adding, 'are you sure it's just once a month?'

preyer
02-18-2006, 01:51 AM
'No means no.' ~ true, but 'maybe' almost invariably means, 'okay, but you'll have to talk me into it just a little bit more.'

My-Immortal
02-18-2006, 01:53 AM
'No means no.' ~ true, but 'maybe' almost invariably means, 'okay, but you'll have to talk me into it just a little bit more.'

LOL!!!!!!

Kevin Yarbrough
02-18-2006, 01:55 AM
No means no, but it can also mean "you have to buy me a few more drinks first."

NeuroFizz
02-18-2006, 02:05 AM
No means no.
This is one I'll resist joking about because I have daughters, and I think this one runs deep into appropriate behavior. By the same token, I don't frown on others joking about it, so please don't feel I'm slamming anyone. I'll make sure my son gets this one loud and clear.

Cassie88
02-18-2006, 02:11 AM
Never say to a cop, "Is this going to take long?"

No biting, at any age.

Don't leave the "picked clean" turkey drumstick that wasn't yours, in the refridgerator and say, "I only took a few bites."

special needs
02-18-2006, 02:13 AM
No and maybe? Hm...maybe I'm just a bit too easy.

WerenCole
02-18-2006, 03:15 AM
In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me a some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.
"Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

He didn't say more any more but we've always been unusually communicative in a reserved way and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that. In consequence I'm inclined to reserve all judgments, a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also made me the victim of not a few veteran bores.



Yeah. . . um. . . my pop said that. . . my pop not, uh, that Nick Carraway guy. . . who ever that is. . . what does he know anyway?