Understanding an abusive character

I'm an RN. I've worked for over twenty years with victims of abuse, in both my specialties- psych and pedi.

You're asking a question with multiple complicated possible answers, which all boil down to "it depends". You are right to ask about the form of abuse, most abusers have favorites. His would be dependent on his life and experiences, as would his triggers.

The most absolute, definite thing anyone can tell you is that ABUSE BEGETS ABUSE. The vast majority of abusive parents were abused as children. The abusive father in your story is far more likely to have been made than born, and his weapons are likely to be the ones his abuser used on him. He wouldn't have simply become an abuser when his wife died, though it's plausible that she acted as the primary parent, allowing him to avoid it.

Alcohol acts to remove inhibitions. Any noble intention or guilt he has regarding beating his child- these are unlikely, by the way- would be wiped out by the effects of drinking. The reason that guilt re: abuse would be unlikely is that abusers have perfectly good reasons for being abusive. The victim deserves it, in his/her mind, does something that forces the abuser to act. The father blaming the son for the mother's death would be a perfect provocating agent.

Abuse victims can always see it coming. Read personal narratives to get an idea of the hints they see. If the son in your story has been abused since birth, taking a swing at his father would be a huge, huge, huge thing- breaking free from a paralyzing fear, not something that just happens once in a while. It would be a life-changing event for the son.

Again, this is a giant question, with very complicated answers. I'll be more able to answer specific questions after you address the above. Feel free to PM me, and good luck.

The father may feel trapped within his own life. He may feel that he has no control over anything except his son. Controlling/abusing his son may make him feel better.
Triggers might be almost anything that reminds the father of this. Or nothing at all. The son doesn't have to do anything specific; if the father had a bad day at work he may take it out on his son.
Also, it sounds as if the father has no outlet for normal frustrations - no friends, no sports, no sex(?). Generally, it's more important for men to have an outlet than for women, though we both need some way to vent and get rid of difficult emotions.

People do what they are good at. People don't change until they have to.

What makes the boy "decent"? Is he particularly good at something? What was different about the situation/abuse that lead the son to strike back? Did the dad "take" something new away from the son?

Is the dad set off towards his son when reminded of his wife? If so, what reminds his of his wife or her death? Could the fact that the wife died while driving come into play for the father's abuse towards the 17 year old son?

Christabelle-

While I hesitate to reply with an absolute- ANYthing is possible, especially in our fictional worlds- the short answer to your question is "no." If/when this kid gets mentally, emotionally, and physically strong enough to overcome his history with his father, he's going to SNAP. There really isn't any going back from that. Only the luckiest children make it to that point, but when they do, it's an epiphany that changes everything about the way they view themselves, their parent, and the world.

The only instance in which I'd "buy" the boy staying and/or submitting to any kind of abuse- after that point- is if he had some serious guilt issues of his own. Really serious- like he blamed himself for his mother's death and/or his father's drinking. If his mother was co/dependent, or had an abusive childhood, and implied through words or behavior that they had to "help Daddy" stay on the straight and narrow... maybe (he'd still be thinking like an abuse victim...)

If the son has some motive for staying, I'd be far more likely to believe the relationship with his father devolved into physical battles than the son submitting to any more abuse. If that happened, it wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility for the son to kill the father.

I'd strongly recommend reading autobiographical accounts by victims- Google "adult survivors child abuse". Nothing I can say will do as much for your knowledge of the psychopathology.

This link might help explain why some people are prone to sudden violent rage.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/scienc...rder-affects-up-to-16-million-americans.shtml

I think that some people are more predisposed to rage and a combination of stress, family dysfunction and a lack of coping skills can set it off in some people more than others. I think some members of my family have this predisposition, but luckily they also have education, support and coping mechanisms that have kept them from turning into abusers.

Maybe his wife's death makes him angry and that would be reason enough for him to get angry and abusive. Especially if the son blames his father for the death of his mother. Maybe just thinking about his wife sets him off.

Most of the time abusers spend time denying it. They will spend a lot of time either through self-denial or denial in general that it ever happened.

This was the case where I experienced emotional abuse edging on physical abuse... also a lot of justifications.

So for example, this person told me a story about how his brother threw a vacuum at his own daughter. And then said he was never that bad with me. In another words, throwing my stuff near me because he was mad from work from his boss wasn't as bad, so he was justified in doing it. It edged towards physical abuse which is when I got out.

My Mom did this type of thing too. I have e-mails where she says things such as "Where did that happen?" "You never told me that", etc.

Both of them, my therapist speculated were in the Axis II category...

Not saying all Axis II people are like this, but I am saying that for these two particular people I experienced it.

Other things: Usually emotional abuse leads to physical abuse later. Rather than physical abuse then emotional abuse.

Most stories I saw about abuse had the physical abuse coming out of nowhere, but this isn't true. And abuse cycles, making it confusing for everyone involved. You remember the good times.

Oh and both of my abusers said I was the one being abusive which makes it all the more confusing.

For example, if I didn't agree to wear black because it didn't stain, then my mom would nag me for hours and get on my case for wanting to wear brighter colors. If I objected to that, then she would straight out say I was being "difficult" and so on. Also she liked the "You're wasting money". I wanted to wear white she would not stop chasing after me. And then later she would deny it and say her Mom was worse.

Basically, I see abusers looking for control in their own chaotic world trying to take out that feeling of chaos on others through lots of projection (It's everyone else's fault I feel this way). And trying to evaluate everyone as either their side (so you can trounce on them) or against them (though this may just be the BPD and NPD involved). And then a healthy dose of "Others have it worse" and denial anything bad ever happened.

My mom liked to talk a lot about how she was the victim. Often heartbeats away from doing something that was demeaning.

You're mean too. Stop making me apologize (though the apology was often met with a revenge streak... and not really meant). All of that crap.

I did have enough self preservation to get out of it before it became physical abuse... but even physical abuse victims say that it's the psychological abuse that's worse, not the physical abuse. (Most writers focus on the physical abuse and abusers do that too... they think it's not abuse until it's physical and then it's OK.)

This one you might like as a build up...

So this guy who was abusive towards me called me up as I was buying paper online. (I was weak back then... so I couldn't figure out up and down coming straight from my parents' place where putting me down was a daily occurence.)

He asked if I wanted to have some fun, go out for lunch. So I said why not, but that I was busy. He started talking about this game faq he wanted, but I ignored him. His business.

So we went out. I paid for lunch. I paid for the paper. I brought the paper inside myself. He started demanding that he could print out the game faq. When I said no, because I'd paid for the paper he got upset, started yelling at me, we got into a fight and he threatened to break up.

I was sick of it by that time, thought about it in the time he was gone, and then decided, OK, let's do this. So I broke up.

So then later on, after he returned the stuff I'd left at his place. (I was weak). He thought I'd return or something, but I systematically blocked and ignored him, so at 10 at night, I heard a banging on my door and someone was calling my name. I was like, hell no I won't open the door. So the next day there was paper scattered in front of the door.

*sighs*

That was the low end for him. I had no boundaries before that point... (Abuser's standpoint would be I was well-trained. I took it only because I had someone else to protect, though I didn't really know about long term effects of doing that.)

Tantrums, endless tantrums. Yelling, screaming and then the quieter put downs, like "You know you'll be fat by the time you're 30."

Inside it's empty and outside int their view is chaos. The abuse puts order to the world.

BTW, in my case it was any kind of stress that would set them off. They didn't need a specific trigger. They just built it up and up and were looking for an easy target. i.e. me. Dishes were not cleaned because he hadn't cleaned them, it was my fault. And OMG, it was a stressful day at work and you working is nothing compared to my day at work. (Even if I didn't say anything about work and if I did he'd say it made him angry which meant he'd trigger sooner). You don't need a specific excuse. You just need built up stress.

This is geared toward domestic violence, but completely applicable toward parent/child dynamics as well.

http://www.turningpointservices.org/Domestic Violence - Power and Control Wheel.htm

This site is called Daughter of Narcissistic Mothers, but it has an awful lot of survivor stories and really good breakdowns of abusive behaviors. It would be a good thing for you to read through to get an idea of the range that's out there.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

A lot of abusers seem to have some personality disorder that makes them unable to empathize. I say that from general experience, not a mental health worker of any sort here so if that's wrong someone feel free to correct me.

There's a lot of blaming the victim for the abuse. A vivid example, one time my extremely well trained service dog took a drink out of the toilet. My ex, who always hated the dog because it helped me be more independent, rushed into the bathroom, grabbed him by the scruff and held him in place while repeatedly slamming my dog's head with the toilet seat as hard as he could and screaming, "NO! NO! NO! BAD DOG!"

That was with me screaming and crying and trying to pull him off, and my dog screaming and crying, until he finally decided to stop. Then he rounded on me and screamed, "It's your fault this happened because you didn't train him not to do that!"

And you know what? Even though I knew drinking out of the toilet was a perfectly fine behavior for a dog, even though I knew my dog would have stopped instantly if told to leave it, and even though I know what he'd just done was incredibly horrendous, I still felt like it was my fault.

To top it off, he later apologized, and "made me promise" to train my dog to stop drinking out of the toilet so he wouldn't "have" to do that again. It makes me ill to remember how bad it was. But you know, it made me feel guilty and it worked for a time.

I'm going to go hug my dog now.

That reminds me that often these people are abusive/neglectful to animals--not always, but often. You don't need to be anti-social to get that.

I liked animals when I was younger and my mom would often neglect them. So, for example, there were these two lizards and I made sure they got vitamins and crickets. One of them got this weird tumor thing, so I had to fight both my parents to take it to a vet (I had to offer my allowance money to fight them and I did all of the calling myself since they wouldn't help out.). Eventually, after I found a place that would take it, my Dad drove me. My mom was all for letting it suffer. Curing it only cost 20 bucks.

When the lizards died, they didn't tell me until I got back from college. They "comforted" me that they died months ago. --;;

I also had another pet that had to be fed once a week. My parents fed it once a month, so I had to fight them to feed it properly. I asked them for my pet back and they wouldn't send it because of the cost to ship. (Not a dog, obviously). I was concerned that the pet wasn't being cared for properly.

They did the same sort of things with me as well... for example, I had a 104 fever. My mom told me to take aspirin and go to bed. When I was sick I was expected to fend for myself. Low fevers, no pills. Things like that.

My mom once told me, "We like plants that care for themselves."

And that pretty much sums up the flip side of the tantrums--neglect.

Anyway, I think this really shows that a behavior isn't strictly limited to humans.

Read Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward

Animal abuse is simply a way of controlling the victim. In spouse abuse, hurting children or threatening to hurt them is a similar way the abuser controls their spouse.

If the child has a beloved pet, the abuser can control or punish them by hurting the pet. Blaming the victim for the abuser's violence and neglect is a huge one.

A general example:

Dad tells the son to go walk the dog. Son doesn't do it, and the dog poops on the floor. Dad goes into a rage and takes it out on the dog. Then turns around and tells the son it's his fault the dog was beat because he didn't take it out to go to the bathroom. That is 100% emotional abuse to the son and physical abuse to the dog. Children tend to find ways to blame themselves anyway, so a trusted adult telling them it's their fault is particularly damaging.


If an abuser maintains control over a beloved pet, that can factor heavily into someone's decision to stay or leave. Especially a child, and especially if they think the animal's life might be in danger if they tried to leave or told anybody about the abuse.

That's just one very specific technique used by abusers though. There are an awful lot out there, sadly.

Another thing that douchebag asshole evil parents do is try to force you to eat your pets. Before there were leash laws dogs showed up. They attacked our ducks. My brother's duck and my sister's duck were already dead when I realized what was going on. I was like 8 or 10 years old, home alone, and charged out to defend the last of them with a garden claw against 3 full sized German shepherds. I scared them off with a few well aimed slices at their faces, that still seems odd. I shouldn't have won. Then my dad insisted that I had to eat my duck because the dogs would kill him anyway. I refused and was beaten.

One of my sisters cooked up a chicken leg, and my dad couldn't tell that from a duck leg. He couldn't figure out that a duck didn't have 3 legs. Of course spread out amongst so many kids he probably never counted. I got a dinner. I didn't eat my pet. My duck was still dead, but I learned.

It's also worth it to look up the "Honeymoon" period. of the abuse cycle. People outside of it think that it's 24-7 thing. But the part that makes it more confusing is the Honeymoon period.

This is the period where they do everything you want. (Though you may not really want it.) and if you don't accept it, then you're obviously the bad one. It's also a good time to put in things such as, "You make me apologize so much." Or even the, "You should be sorry too." And lots of little back handed comments. Or my mom's one, "You should say 'Thank you' more."

From their point of view they are really trying to make up, but you are the one making them feel bad in the first place, so obviously it's you that are the issue, but they are "tired" of fighting... (Emotional deregulation).

Not all abusers have a honeymoon period, though. In my mom's case it was either only to look good for others or neglect overall. (Then you stayed out of her way.)

My Ex, though had a huge honeymoon period which got bigger with the rages. (While undercutting my confidence to boot).

This is also something that many shows and books skip over in favor of the beating up. It's also something that makes the person being abused stay. (Also the ability to hide it in normal company.)

I did hear a story about a person forced to eat their pet when their mother killed their pet right in front of them and then served it up for dinner. Mother was mad at the daughter, so it was revenge and not her fault.

Rachel Udin said:

From their point of view they are really trying to make up, but you are the one making them feel bad in the first place, so obviously it's you that are the issue, but they are "tired" of fighting... (Emotional deregulation).

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Whether they really think they're trying to make up or it's a deliberate behavior designed to prevent their victims from bolting is debatable. It was one thing I found really confusing as a victim.

I thought that if someone said sorry, then they were probably genuine about it and I should try to forgive them and let them have another chance. Especially when they paired the apology with honeymoon type nice behaviors, such as bringing flowers and cards, other gifts, etc.

One thing that's creepy about people with narcissistic personality type disorders, is they're often really good at knowing how much abuse their chosen victims can take before the abuser needs to back off with the punishment and reel them in again.

Canotila said:

Whether they really think they're trying to make up or it's a deliberate behavior designed to prevent their victims from bolting is debatable. It was one thing I found really confusing as a victim.

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It depends a little bit on the disorder... If it's anti-social, then usually it's on purpose because it's fun watching people suffer (Two sub disorders, but debated a bit. Sociopath and psychopath). If it's BPD, it's emotional deregulation and they just don't know how to deal with it, so it's the "Don't leave me" phase because you define their emotions and self for them. If it's NPD, from what I gather is their self preservation of self image kicking in. If you leave, then who will give them their self confidence? This is because they really don't have self esteem inside and need you to tell them how great they are. (Meaning that huge charismatic face is a front.)

BPD and NPD are on Axis II (BPD as in Borderline, not bipolar).

This is loosey goosey though. But you can see the motivation differs depending on the disorder. And I'm taking this from people who were on the lower end and gave perspective/trying to recover. Versus those undiagnosed and will never get help.

I thought that if someone said sorry, then they were probably genuine about it and I should try to forgive them and let them have another chance. Especially when they paired the apology with honeymoon type nice behaviors, such as bringing flowers and cards, other gifts, etc.

One thing that's creepy about people with narcissistic personality type disorders, is they're often really good at knowing how much abuse their chosen victims can take before the abuser needs to back off with the punishment and reel them in again.

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Another thing is that people of this sort tend to be able to spot a good target--someone well-trained without boundaries. And also to try to erode those existing boundaries by bombarding them ever so slightly.

Personally, I think for the NPD reversal, it's the sudden realization that this person that's the source of their self-esteem is going to leave them. They need someone worshiping them to feel good so reverse engines.

Axis II because they are both about self image in some way also has effects to them which can be isolating, though for different reasons.

Oh and there are gaps in memory in both cases. It turns out in reality rather than made up. They might do something abusive and literally forget it because it mirrors their own trauma. (if they've experienced it before).

It's worth it to look up codependent too. (Also Dependent Personality Disorder) which may be the result of abusive situations.

Antisocial is a whole other thing and there aren't memory gaps, but more manipulations.

The type of people who tend to hang around them for a long period of time are in love with the idea of reforming them.

And I'm not really an expert in those... but the media often gets it wrong. (For example, putting in real regret and mixing up sociopath and psychopath.)

But not all abusers are pathological from what I understand... nor do they all fall neatly in the the DSM. (I've never really seen a survey of that type.) People sometimes have issues with anger and stress with no training on how to find constructive ways to find an outlet.. in which case they are not falling neatly into the DSM.

Canotila said:

Especially when they paired the apology with honeymoon type nice behaviors, such as bringing flowers and cards, other gifts, etc.

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I had to put up with about a year of this from my father. When he gave me gifts, they were wrapped. I never opened them. When I left, I stripped the room bare of all my things... except for the gifts and cards, all unopened, stacked on top of the closet and covered with months' worth of dust.

I never spoke to him or saw him after that, but I hope he got the message.

Canotila said:

<snip>
There's a lot of blaming the victim for the abuse. A vivid example, one time my extremely well trained service dog took a drink out of the toilet. My ex, who always hated the dog because it helped me be more independent, rushed into the bathroom, grabbed him by the scruff and held him in place while repeatedly slamming my dog's head with the toilet seat as hard as he could and screaming, "NO! NO! NO! BAD DOG!"

<snip>

I'm going to go hug my dog now.

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So true on the "why did you make me do those horrible things?"

Hugging my dogs now, too.