My Mother Disowned Me - Facebook Style

Alpha Echo · Jun 15, 2013

Some of you know some of the drama between my mother and me...

To recap quickly (is that possible?):

My mother is, I think, an undiagnosed narcissist. We were really close until I decided to take my own path. Until I didn't need her. Until I was happy.

She's passive aggressive, and she likes to take her frustrations with me out on Facebook and other public venues, so she can play the martyr.

Just over 2 years ago, I'd had enough and told her if she couldn't start taking her frustrations with me to ME rather than to the world...I was done.

She didn't get it, and I didn't speak to her for over two years. But then my brother got married, and I tried to just tell her I loved her.

She ignored me. She kept her back to me when I tried to hug her, she didn't look at me, and she didn't even raise a hand to pat my arm. Cold as can be.

Several times in the past month, she made a snide comment on one of my Facebook posts. A snide, passive aggressive remark. I decided to block her from my posts.

She blocked me from her life.

Eh.

Just needed to vent a bit, I guess.

It's more complicated than the things I listed here, but I didn't want to bore you guys to tears, and I didn't feel like going into every detail.

But it still sucks.

Sonata · Jun 15, 2013

I'm pretty new here, Alpha Echo, so I'm unfamiliar with your backstory, but I'm compelled to say something anyway. Not that what I say can possibly help. I wish I had some fantastic advice for you or a great upshot to share. I don't. I'm sorry.

All I can say is that I've had close family behave similarly and its really, incredibly, indescribably painful. Parents can hurt their children so deeply, in ways no one else can.

I'm so sorry.

It's one thing to speak to someone in confidence, but to air things out in a public space like that is just not something I understand.

Narcissism sounds about right. Sometimes I wonder if there's a touch of sociopath in there somewhere (my fam, of course).

About the only way I cope with it is to resist the "knee-jerk" reactions, not take the proverbial bait, and just try to be the "better person." (Sorry bout the clichés, but sometimes they just work ;-)

I wish I could say anything to help. Just know my heart goes out to you.

SWest · Jun 15, 2013

Alpha Echo · Jun 15, 2013

Thank you, Sonata. It's weird...what this new technology world has given us. There are so many amazing things happening, but at the same time, technology has made...well it's made the good better and the bad worse.

I wouldn't have survived middle school if Facebook had been around. It was bad enough, and my tormentors didn't have the ability to make it all public.

My mom is...my mom. Regardless of Facebook. But I wonder a bit if it wouldn't be sooooo bad if she hadn't been able to take everything so public...

I'm sorry you've experienced similar events.

Sonata · Jun 15, 2013

School pictures in middle school were bad enough back in the day. I couldn't imagine camera phones, FB, and puberty combined. :e2paperba

veinglory · Jun 15, 2013

For over-sensitive people I use "ignore". As far as they know I am seeing the posts, but I'm actually not bothered by them.

Cathy C · Jun 15, 2013

I still struggle to find the value with Facebook, which is why I don't have a page. Better than half of the people I know that use it have horror stories of stalkers, snarky comments and inappropriate pictures posted.

Being part of a disfunctional family, I heartily agree with you going your own path. Best thing I ever did. I've never been as happy as I am without my family. :hooray:

A family of choice can be far more encouraging and uplifting than some birth families. AW is my chosen family, and I couldn't be more thrilled!

Welcome to the family! :Hug2:

veinglory · Jun 15, 2013

Without Facebook I would never hear from many members of my family, who are for the most part a nice bunch. It's just a platform and the trick it to not "friend" people unless you actually like them.

clee984 · Jun 15, 2013

I feel for you, that's rough, and seems rather childish on your mother's part. My own mother was pretty great, but she was a chronic alcoholic, I remember being just so ashamed when I was at school (none of my friend's mothers used to be passed out at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, or would make you sandwiches with toothpaste etc etc).

I don't use facebook myself, I just don't like the idea of it. I also know too many people who have upsetting stories about facebooking.

gingerwoman · Jun 15, 2013

(((((Hugs))))) I relate. Use your pain in your writing.

Liralen · Jun 15, 2013

It's not FB.

It's your mother.

. . . from on DoNM (Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother) to another.

They're rarely "diagnosed" formally because they don't seek any sort of help because there's nothing wrong with them -- it's us. They will always find a way to rationalize, spin, lie and even gaslight to the point that it can seem, even to their victims, that their view is somehow right . . . even when we know damned well it's crazy as hell.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

sadron · Jun 16, 2013

Sorry to hear that. *hugs*

vagough · Jun 16, 2013

Alpha, as several others have commented, this is very familiar to me. My mom was a self-absorbed, passive-aggressive queen of martyrdom. (It makes me shudder to think what she would have done with Facebook if it had been around while she was alive.)

But knowing what you know about your mom doesn't make it any easier to deal with -- it still hurts. And it's hard when the choice isn't between something good and something bad, but between something bad and something even worse.

You're doing the right thing by focusing on your own family and sharing your love with them.

Ken · Jun 16, 2013

... it could be worse.
Your parents could be Kayne West and Kim Kardashian ;-)

(((Alpha)))

DeleyanLee · Jun 16, 2013

The one thing that gets me through my narcissist relation (sister, not mother, but I'm in her circle of life so I still have to deal) is to remember one simple truth:

It's all about her. It's not about me.

And though I love her, I don't deal with her. Nothing I did warranted her actions or her outbursts. It's all about her (incorrect) perception of me and herself. And there's nothing I can do about that, so I've worked over the years to release the burden of trying to help her. I'm not able to do it and, frankly, I don't have the energy I want to spend on it any longer.

So I've severely limited my contact with her and when I do have to deal with her, I stay low-key and don't engage her. The only energy I've put into "her" was to warn my parents, my children and other sister about her patterns. And I was told for decades that it was me, she's a great person, and I should be ashamed for bad-mouthing her. (It's been rather gratifying in the last few years, as that sister had realized that I'm no fun to play with anymore and has turned her attentions to the rest of the family en totale. That's not working well for her at all.)

The flip side of that simple statement also applies for where you put your energy and time:

It's all about you. It's not about her.

You can't influence your mother's choices, so use that energy to make peace within your self. You can love her, but not condone the way she treats you. Accept what is beyond your abilities, pray to a higher power if you have one that she'll get the help she desperately needs, and focus on the beauty that is YOU, the wonderful person we think of as our friend.

It's not an easy road to take, but one I can pretty much guarantee gives you the world's best views along the way.

mirandashell · Jun 16, 2013

I feel for you, all of you here who have to deal with this. I don't deal well with passive-aggressive people. And there aren't any in my family so that's probably why. Right now, I have one at work but luckily she's in a different department and I can work around her. But when I do get stuck with dealing with her, goddamn it's hard. So I can't even imagine what it's like when it's close family.

So all I can say is - look after yourself. She's never going to be different. She's never going to be the mother you want her to be. So if cutting her off is the best way for you to deal with it, don't feel guilty about it. That's on her, not on you.

Alpha Echo · Jun 16, 2013

Liralen said:
It's not FB.

It's your mother.

. . . from on DoNM (Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother) to another.

They're rarely "diagnosed" formally because they don't seek any sort of help because there's nothing wrong with them -- it's us. They will always find a way to rationalize, spin, lie and even gaslight to the point that it can seem, even to their victims, that their view is somehow right . . . even when we know damned well it's crazy as hell.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

This is exactly this. Facebook just gives her another outlet.

vagough said:
Alpha, as several others have commented, this is very familiar to me. My mom was a self-absorbed, passive-aggressive queen of martyrdom. (It makes me shudder to think what she would have done with Facebook if it had been around while she was alive.)

But knowing what you know about your mom doesn't make it any easier to deal with -- it still hurts. And it's hard when the choice isn't between something good and something bad, but between something bad and something even worse.

You're doing the right thing by focusing on your own family and sharing your love with them.

Thanks. I'm sorry you had to deal with it too.

DeleyanLee said:
The one thing that gets me through my narcissist relation (sister, not mother, but I'm in her circle of life so I still have to deal) is to remember one simple truth:

It's all about her. It's not about me.

And though I love her, I don't deal with her. Nothing I did warranted her actions or her outbursts. It's all about her (incorrect) perception of me and herself. And there's nothing I can do about that, so I've worked over the years to release the burden of trying to help her. I'm not able to do it and, frankly, I don't have the energy I want to spend on it any longer.

So I've severely limited my contact with her and when I do have to deal with her, I stay low-key and don't engage her. The only energy I've put into "her" was to warn my parents, my children and other sister about her patterns. And I was told for decades that it was me, she's a great person, and I should be ashamed for bad-mouthing her. (It's been rather gratifying in the last few years, as that sister had realized that I'm no fun to play with anymore and has turned her attentions to the rest of the family en totale. That's not working well for her at all.)

The flip side of that simple statement also applies for where you put your energy and time:

It's all about you. It's not about her.

You can't influence your mother's choices, so use that energy to make peace within your self. You can love her, but not condone the way she treats you. Accept what is beyond your abilities, pray to a higher power if you have one that she'll get the help she desperately needs, and focus on the beauty that is YOU, the wonderful person we think of as our friend.

It's not an easy road to take, but one I can pretty much guarantee gives you the world's best views along the way.

This is actually really good advice. Thank you.

mirandashell said:
So all I can say is - look after yourself. She's never going to be different. She's never going to be the mother you want her to be. So if cutting her off is the best way for you to deal with it, don't feel guilty about it. That's on her, not on you.

I keep hoping she'll change, but she hasn't.

I was talking to my cousin (my mother's sister's kid) and long story short...it sounds like lately she's alienating everyone. She's now fighting with her sister about their father, and she's declared she won't call her mom because her mom never calls her.

It's sad, really.

The hardest part is figuring out how to handle my siblings. I'm very close with one sister, on good terms with the other, not on good terms with my brother and never get to see my half-brother because he's 11 and lives with my mother.

I don't mention my mother or anything when talking to my siblings because I don't want to make them feel awkward. They're all close with my mother. Even the sister I'm close to. She knows how my mother can be and is, but she's much more diplomatic, I guess. Plus, she's followed a path that made my mother happy and caters to her just because she knows that's what my mother wants/needs. I just got sick of doing that.

mirandashell · Jun 16, 2013

I think every family has a 'thing that isn't talked about'. I know it's not normally such a massive subject as your mother though! LOL! But I would deal with it by anytime she came up I would say 'oh really? That's nice' and change the subject. Don't know if that would work in your situation though.

Liralen · Jun 16, 2013

Sounds like you are the classic Scapegoat child.

It's a rough road. One of the most freeing turns on that road one where you realize you aren't obligated to love them.

Being a parent doesn't -- as these narcissistic horrors believe -- bestow any special privileges; it doesn't make one the absolute and omniscient despot over another human being. On the contrary, the demands of parentage are greater responsibility to nurture, to be a supporter rather than a ruler; a guide, to learn from and with the child, to realize and accept your own fallibility; to do your best, regardless of the consequences to yourself, to further that child's growth as an individual, not a reflection or extension of your own unfulfilled dreams or your ego.

Your child does not owe you love. Or respect.

If our parents aren't someone we would like and respect if there were no genetic/autocratic ties, then there's no healthy reason to like, respect or love them "just because."

ElaineA · Jun 16, 2013

Add me to the--what did Liralen call it?--DoNM Club. I struggle mightily with my awful mother, especially because she can convince everyone how great she is. Until she can't anymore. She's on husband #3, no relationships AT ALL with any members of her own family, no real friends. All short-term, surface relationships. But somehow it's always everyone else who is the narcissist or manic/depressive or schizophrenic (she loves to label everyone else with a psychological disorder).

I'm much happier not dealing with her but she does end-arounds by trying to maintain relationships with my children and my husband, badmouthing me to them while not talking to me for months on end. I can only stay quiet and wait for them to figure her out. Or not. *sigh*

I've got no advice for you AE because I haven't yet mastered the art of not letting her get under my skin but I hope, at least, you can take some solace from this thread, from knowing you aren't the only person suffering this behavior and that people do make it out the other end as happy, unfettered survivors. Liralen's Words of Wisdom have a lot of resonance.

Liralen · Jun 16, 2013

This site http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ has helped keep me from falling back endlessly into my mother's (and NPD sister's) Mobius loop of insanity.

It's been an education -- albeit often chilling -- to see the repeated behavior patterns of these people, that the seemingly trivial things they do to us, crap they impose on us, isn't trivial, that there's method to their madness and meanness and that many of these things are typical of the breed. Even down to stupid, seemingly petty control over particularly personal things like how we wear our hair. It's crazy. They're crazy. And they're inherently toxic. It's their nature, but they know what they are doing and that it is wrong . . . otherwise they wouldn't go to such lengths to lie about it, cover it up, and make sure they have a handy scapegoat.

Undercover · Jun 16, 2013

As soon as I saw the post header, I had to read. Add me to the club of mother's hatred towards daughters.

My mom has always played favorites (I'm the youngest of two older sisters.) My mom has always wanted to control my life. Then when I got sick and was diagnosed bipolar she didn't want anything to do with me. She blamed it all on me that I was sick. For a whole year we didn't talk. Then slowly we tried mending all that, but then she got bizarre on me again when me and my family (my husband and two kids) lost our house cause of foreclosure. She closed us off and didn't want to help or have any part of it. My mom and dad are still married and together. My dad is just her puppet and my sisters the same. Everyone must agree with my mom.

Just recently over the move I called it quits to have a relationship with my mom, which meant also not having a relationship with my dad too. It's been two months now. Ironically one of my sister just called me about two weeks ago asking how things are, (I know she's was doing it for my mom to just get info out of me.) I mentioned to my sister about my health in that I had this lump growing on my shoulder. Had it checked out and found out it was cancer. The doctors removed it, but it's growing back and now I have to go in for surgery again. I know my sister told all this to my mother after we got off the phone. Has my mom or my dad called me about it? NOT. She rather keep her grudge on, which is truly sad. Makes me feel so sad for her that she is that way. I on the other hand would never treat my children that way.

I just look at it and think I'm better off without her poisoning me and her thoughts and trying to control my life.

I'm sorry to hear your mother did that to you with the Facebook thing. That's just so wrong on so many levels. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

Alpha Echo · Jun 16, 2013

ElaineA said:
A
I'm much happier not dealing with her but she does end-arounds by trying to maintain relationships with my children and my husband, badmouthing me to them while not talking to me for months on end. I can only stay quiet and wait for them to figure her out. Or not. *sigh*

I'm so sorry. That's awful. I don't have to deal with that, at least. Because my mother seems to hate my husband.

My ex-husband was awful. My current husband has done nothing but take care of me emotionally and financially in ways my ex never knew how to do. Yet my mother seems to hate him for some reason.

She does, however, continue to send my (step)daughter birthday and Christmas gifts which pisses me off. Every time, DD asks me about my mother and why I don't talk to her anymore. It's awkward, and the only reason my mother sends the gifts is to create that awkwardness. She never got to know my daughter before I cut her out of my life (and of course blamed me for that). The truth is she's terribly jealous of my daughter's relationship with my dad/stepmom. She doesn't send the gifts because she has any particular fondness for my daughter. How could she? She hasn't seen her in over two years and never took the time to know her before.

Sorry...kind of went off there...

Liralen said:
This site http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ has helped keep me from falling back endlessly into my mother's (and NPD sister's) Mobius loop of insanity.

I'm checking it out now. Again...thank you.

Undercover said:
Just recently over the move I called it quits to have a relationship with my mom, which meant also not having a relationship with my dad too. It's been two months now. Ironically one of my sister just called me about two weeks ago asking how things are, (I know she's was doing it for my mom to just get info out of me.) I mentioned to my sister about my health in that I had this lump growing on my shoulder. Had it checked out and found out it was cancer. The doctors removed it, but it's growing back and now I have to go in for surgery again. I know my sister told all this to my mother after we got off the phone. Has my mom or my dad called me about it? NOT. She rather keep her grudge on, which is truly sad. Makes me feel so sad for her that she is that way. I on the other hand would never treat my children that way.

I just look at it and think I'm better off without her poisoning me and her thoughts and trying to control my life.

I'm sorry to hear your mother did that to you with the Facebook thing. That's just so wrong on so many levels. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

I'm really sorry that you don't get to speak to your father because of your mother. I'm lucky in that my parents divorced when I was 13 (wonder why). I'm glad that you are feeling better off. It truly is a poison, what these women do to their children.

I shudder to think of my half-brother being home schooled. On top of her narcissism, she is an extreme conservative/born-again Christian who thinks allowing gay marriage will mean we'll all be marrying donkeys one day. Another way I've disappointed her, being the much more liberal and, though born-again, much more open-minded and with different ideas of what and/or who God is.

vagough · Jun 16, 2013

Alpha Echo said:
My ex-husband was awful. My current husband has done nothing but take care of me emotionally and financially in ways my ex never knew how to do. Yet my mother seems to hate him for some reason.

AE, I think your original posting (and subsequent comments, including from Liralen, Cathy, and several others) point to this being something a number of us have had to deal with. As with you, my mom identified completely with my ex-husband when I left the marriage and we were getting divorced many years ago, including telling me I should 'go back to your husband where you belong', then visiting my ex, sending him birthday gifts, having him come to TN to visit her, etc. And she refused to meet my then-boyfriend (now husband #2 of 18+ years and who I met after the divorce) the last time she visited here.

It's really sad for all of us who've gone through this, but it is what it is. What matters is what you make of your life afterwards, the love that you show and share with your family, and how you personally treat other people--not as she does, but as things ought to be.

Best wishes in this. It's difficult, but, again, you seem to be doing the right things here. Thank you for opening up to us and for sharing. We are all here with you and wish you all the best.

muse · Jun 17, 2013

So sorry you're going through this, Alpha. :Hug2:

My Mother Disowned Me - Facebook Style

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