Looking for someone from Northern UK to help with dialog

Mark G · Jun 6, 2013

Euphamisms, slang, just general speech patterns: every locale has them. I'm writing a scene that takes place in Strathyre between a local driving a car and a truck driver (maybe from York or whatever), and I'd like the dialog to sound authentic.

Shall we "give it a go" as they say?

Here's my yank attempt at local (modern) UK dialog:

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Sharon and Heather grabbed their backpacks and hopped out. They turned together and helped Diana down, Diana's long peasant dress flowing as she hopped off. [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"Oy! You're not supposed to ride in the back of lorries," the man in the car yelled as he got out, pointing at the girls and wagging an accusing finger. His lumbering gait and grey hair might have been charming if he'd been smiling.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The truck driver joined them, his hands stuffed in jacket pockets. "What's all this, then?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"These lasses were stowed in your bin there, like it was some sort of caravan."[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The driver looked at the girls. "Is that so? What are you girls on about? How did you get in there?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The Jaguar pulled up behind them, and Diana spoke as Edward and Charlene Vaughn got out of their car. "We were just having a bit of harmless fun. Look! Our parents are here now."[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Everyone turned to watch the couple approach.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"You there! Are these your girls?" The driver of the truck called.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"You needn't worry about them, Sir," Edward said, a smile on his face. "They were merely engaging in a bit of harmless fun."[/FONT]

Becky Black · Jun 7, 2013

I'm from the north east of England. Here's my two-pennorthworth on it.

"Oy!
Oy is a bit cliche, though not technically wrong. More old fashioned I'd say. It's not something I'd hear every day. "Hey" would be more likely I think.

"These lasses were stowed in your bin there, like it was some sort of caravan."
I don't recognise "bin". Maybe "trailer" or just "the back of your lorry".

The driver looked at the girls. "Is that so? What are you girls on about? How did you get in there?"

I think he'd say "up to" rather than "on about". Also he's a bit casual about it. It depends where he's driven from of course, but it's a big concern for truck drivers in the UK if they've come from abroad that people try to get into the UK by stowing away in their trucks. The drivers can be fined heavily. He might not have been abroad, so he won't assume that, but the other guy who doesn't know where the truck has been might assume that's who they are.

"You there! Are these your girls?" The driver of the truck called.

"You there" sounds odd. I can't hear it in anything but a posh, hectoring voice. Does he need to say it? The people are approachig them, he doesn't need to get their attention, he could just ask the question.

"You needn't worry about them, Sir," Edward said, a smile on his face. "They were merely engaging in a bit of harmless fun."

I assume Edward is a posh bloke? Because that's very formal. It's odd that he echoes what the girl says - "harmless fun" - without having heard her say it. Is "harmless fun" something these girls get up to a lot and he has to frequently excuse? And I don't think you need a capital S on the "Sir."

Hope that's useful!

mirandashell · Jun 7, 2013

'You there' is definitely too posh for your usual truck driver.

One other thing, how did they get out? For enclosed lorries, you can't open them from the inside, can you?

mirandashell · Jun 7, 2013

It's also not likely that someone called Edward Vaughn and driving a Jaguar would have a daughter called Sharon. Or be married to a Charlene.

Bufty · Jun 7, 2013

It's out-of-context and if that's all the dialogue there is I don't think it's worth worrying about. Drivers and truck drivers could come from anywhere.

If there is more extensive dialogue that needs to be 'authenticated' the Share-Your-Work Forum might be a better place to show the whole relative scene/s in context.

Buffysquirrel · Jun 7, 2013

'on about' means talking about, usu pejorative

waylander · Jun 7, 2013

Plenty of non-English speaking truck drivers in the UK at the moment, many east Europeans.

Mr Flibble · Jun 7, 2013

mirandashell said:
It's also not likely that someone called Edward Vaughn and driving a Jaguar would have a daughter called Sharon. Or be married to a Charlene.

I'm not sure he'd call a truck driver 'sir' either. I can't think of many people (other than a policeman) who would

MisterFrancis · Jun 8, 2013

I'm from Derbyshire, which verges on Northern. This definitely doesn't read naturally, I'm afraid.

"Oi" is British, "Oy" is Jewish.

Oi is not old fashioned though. I still use it and hear it all the time, particularly in these kinds of contexts. "Hey" would sound very American to me.

"Like it were some sort of caravan" would sound more local than "was". Pronounced 'wuh'.

"What are you girls on about?" means "what are you talking about?" "What are you up to?" would be correct.

Nobody in the UK calls really anyone sir except soldiers and policemen talking to their superiors.

"stowed in your bin" sounds odd, and I'm not sure if it's what you mean. A bin is for rubbish - a trashcan or smaller.

It's more like someone would say "having" rather than "engaging in."[FONT=Courier New, monospace]

[/FONT]

Mark G · Jun 8, 2013

Becky Black said:
I'm from the north east of England. Here's my two-pennorthworth on it.

"Oy!
Oy is a bit cliche, though not technically wrong. More old fashioned I'd say. It's not something I'd hear every day. "Hey" would be more likely I think.

"These lasses were stowed in your bin there, like it was some sort of caravan."
I don't recognise "bin". Maybe "trailer" or just "the back of your lorry".

The driver looked at the girls. "Is that so? What are you girls on about? How did you get in there?"

I think he'd say "up to" rather than "on about". Also he's a bit casual about it. It depends where he's driven from of course, but it's a big concern for truck drivers in the UK if they've come from abroad that people try to get into the UK by stowing away in their trucks. The drivers can be fined heavily. He might not have been abroad, so he won't assume that, but the other guy who doesn't know where the truck has been might assume that's who they are.

"You there! Are these your girls?" The driver of the truck called.

"You there" sounds odd. I can't hear it in anything but a posh, hectoring voice. Does he need to say it? The people are approachig them, he doesn't need to get their attention, he could just ask the question.

"You needn't worry about them, Sir," Edward said, a smile on his face. "They were merely engaging in a bit of harmless fun."

I assume Edward is a posh bloke? Because that's very formal. It's odd that he echoes what the girl says - "harmless fun" - without having heard her say it. Is "harmless fun" something these girls get up to a lot and he has to frequently excuse? And I don't think you need a capital S on the "Sir."

Hope that's useful!

Very helpful! Thanks!

Mark G · Jun 8, 2013

mirandashell said:
It's also not likely that someone called Edward Vaughn and driving a Jaguar would have a daughter called Sharon. Or be married to a Charlene.

Eeps! Well, they're Welsh Fairies transplanted in Scotland to hide out... maybe that would make for a plausible explanation?

Mark G · Jun 8, 2013

MisterFrancis said:
I'm from Derbyshire, which verges on Northern. This definitely doesn't read naturally, I'm afraid.

"Oi" is British, "Oy" is Jewish.

Oi is not old fashioned though. I still use it and hear it all the time, particularly in these kinds of contexts. "Hey" would sound very American to me.

"Like it were some sort of caravan" would sound more local than "was". Pronounced 'wuh'.

"What are you girls on about?" means "what are you talking about?" "What are you up to?" would be correct.

Nobody in the UK calls really anyone sir except soldiers and policemen talking to their superiors.

"stowed in your bin" sounds odd, and I'm not sure if it's what you mean. A bin is for rubbish - a trashcan or smaller.

It's more like someone would say "having" rather than "engaging in."

Thank you!

mirandashell · Jun 8, 2013

Mark G said:
Eeps! Well, they're Welsh Fairies transplanted in Scotland to hide out... maybe that would make for a plausible explanation?

Good lord no! That's even worse.

Becky Black · Jun 9, 2013

Mark G said:
Eeps! Well, they're Welsh Fairies transplanted in Scotland to hide out... maybe that would make for a plausible explanation?

Ah the "Ford Prefect" explanation.

(Which young people no longer realise is actually a gag...)

It could work, if they've picked human names to use and don't understand all the expectations around those names and who'd be more or less likely to have them. They could get funny looks from people when they use the names.

Scott Kaelen · Jun 9, 2013

Mark G said:
Euphamisms, slang, just general speech patterns: every locale has them. I'm writing a scene that takes place in Strathyre between a local driving a car and a truck driver (maybe from York or whatever), and I'd like the dialog to sound authentic.

Shall we "give it a go" as they say?

Here's my yank attempt at local (modern) UK dialog:

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Sharon and Heather grabbed their backpacks and hopped out. They turned together and helped Diana down, Diana's long peasant dress flowing as she hopped off. [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"Oy! 'Oy' is Yiddish. You want 'Oi!' Stephen King made this same mistake in the Dark Tower series. You're not supposed to ride in the back of lorries," the man in the car yelled as he got out, pointing at the girls and wagging an accusing finger. His lumbering gait and grey hair might have been charming if he'd been smiling.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The truck driver joined them, his hands stuffed in jacket pockets. "What's all this, then?"[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"These lasses were stowed in your bin there, like it was some sort of caravan."[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The driver looked at the girls. "Is that so? What are you girls [/FONT]~~on about~~[FONT=Courier New, monospace]? How did you get in there?"[/FONT] You might want to go for something like, "Oh, aye? What're you lot about, then? How'd you get in my truck?"
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]The Jaguar pulled up behind them, and Diana spoke as Edward and Charlene Vaughn got out of their car. "We were just having a bit of harmless fun. Look! Our parents are here now."[/FONT] Middle to upper class, I take it?
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Everyone turned to watch the couple approach.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"You there! Are these your girls?" The driver of the truck called.[/FONT] Maybe, "Here!" or even, "'Ere!" would work here, but certainly not, "You there!"
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]"You needn't worry about them, Sir," Edward said, a smile on his face. "They were merely engaging in a bit of harmless fun." What [/FONT]made me smile here is that for the first time you've used a contraction in the dialogue, and it just happens to be from the one character who I wouldn't have expected to contract his words. 'Gentlemen' of a higher class tend to speak quite properly, you know? (I ain't one . . .)

"An' remember - y'ant sin me, roight?"
*runs around the corner*

*pokes head back around corner*
"'Ere's a coupla little links for ya, what ya mart farnd interestin'."
Yorkshire Dialect Dictionary
Yorkshire Dialect Words & Phrases
Scots Glossary

Mark G · Jun 10, 2013

mirandashell said:
It's also not likely that someone called Edward Vaughn and driving a Jaguar would have a daughter called Sharon. Or be married to a Charlene.

Mark G said:
Eeps! Well, they're Welsh Fairies transplanted in Scotland to hide out... maybe that would make for a plausible explanation?

mirandashell said:
Good lord no! That's even worse.

I'm wondering if anyone can explain what's wrong with the names (family name Vaughn, first names Edward, Charlene, daughter Sharon), and maybe give some examples?

mirandashell · Jun 11, 2013

The problem with the names is that it's a mix of social classes. You have to remember that this is still quite a class-ridden country so a man married to a woman called Charlene would more likely be called Ed or Eddie, not Edward. The latter is more upper/upper middle class. Charlene definitely isn't. And Sharon is a chav name. Is in fact famous for being a chav name and has been since the 1980s. So I'm guessing from the daughter's age (under 30?) that there is no way a man called Edward Vaughn would call his daughter Sharon.

Names carry a lot of weight here and although there could be a man Edward married to a woman Charlene and having a daughter Sharon, it's unlikely and most British readers will curl their lip.

mirandashell · Jun 11, 2013

Oh, the reason that your characters being Welsh and hiding in Scotland is worse is the assumption that they wouldn't know, not being English. Totally wrong.

onesecondglance · Jun 11, 2013

Yeah, like miranda said, names carry heavy class connotations. Social class in the UK is more than just economic - you don't become upper class by having lots of money, nor do you become working class if you don't. It's a bit of a nightmare trying to explain it, just as there are plenty of things about the US that I will struggle with because I didn't grow up there.

mirandashell · Jun 11, 2013

There is a book called (Ithink) Watching the English which is about the class structure here in the modern day. If these characters are important to your story, it will be worth a read.

I have it at home so will double-check the name when I get back from work.

Buffysquirrel · Jun 11, 2013

Names are also regional, and neither Sharon nor Charlene says Wales to me.

Mark G · Jun 12, 2013

The Sharon character is supposed to have been born in Scotland.
It's okay for me if Sharon is a chav name. I only just learned that concept today; but being a fairy, she's supposed to be mischievous. So it's fitting.

So if the parents went by "Eddie" and "Char" or such, would that fit? The Jaguar in the scene is from the 1980's or so - not a particularly posh vehicle...

Cath · Jun 12, 2013

A Jag in the UK is still a symbol of class, regardless of the age of the car. If you're looking for cars to fit the chav culture, try a VW or a nondescript brand such as a Toyota. If you want a bit of character a 2CV or an old Beetle might fit better.

onesecondglance · Jun 12, 2013

You say "Eddie" and "Char", I think of 80s nouveau riche yuppies.

mirandashell · Jun 13, 2013

Yeah, the yuppie type would drive a Jag but it would be one of the German ones, not one of the classic ones.

Bet you wish you hadn't dipped your toes in this pool, OP! Did you guess it would be this complicated?

Looking for someone from Northern UK to help with dialog

Mark G

Author of Reborn to Bite

Becky Black

Writing my way off the B Ark

mirandashell

mirandashell

Bufty

Where have the last ten years gone?

Buffysquirrel

waylander

Who's going for a beer?

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

MisterFrancis

Mark G

Author of Reborn to Bite

Mark G

Author of Reborn to Bite

Mark G

Author of Reborn to Bite

mirandashell

Becky Black

Writing my way off the B Ark

Scott Kaelen

Mark G

Author of Reborn to Bite

mirandashell

mirandashell

onesecondglance

pretending to be awake

mirandashell

Buffysquirrel

Mark G

Author of Reborn to Bite

Cath

The mean one

onesecondglance

pretending to be awake

mirandashell