Horrible work-speak

"at the end of the day" except they're never actually referring to the end of a day
"diarize" meaning to put in one's diary as a reminder
"get smart" as in "we need to get smart about ..."
"synergy" cannot be created by one entity
"real time"... as opposed to artificial time? or imaginary time?

I have a bitter hatred of acronyms. If someone comes it to do a presentation and goes over four acronyms, I tune out.

Lens instead of layers makes me cringe.

Hm, now let's think of some ones from my own environment... "out of scope" instead of out of support, "triage" and "triage agents" for schedulers/scheduling team.

"Actioned" as in 'I've actioned this request' instead of 'I've done this' is used a lot and very clunky. "Centre of Competence" is also a weird phrase.

Using 'lens' instead of 'layers' makes absolutely no sense. How on earth did that happen?

EMaree said:

I have a bitter hatred of acronyms. If someone comes it to do a presentation and goes over four acronyms, I tune out.

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I recently found a new acronym in one of our manuals that hadn't been defined.

VAWU.

For context, I work in science education. Has anyone got a guess as to what VAWU means? Anyone?

Value Added Work Unit? Meaning an employee who's had extra training?

The only VAWU I can come up with is a tad rude...

Cliff Face said:

The only VAWU I can come up with is a tad rude...

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Yeah, I can think of all kinds of hilarious, quasi-obscene ways to use VAWU in a sentence.

But none of them fit the, ah, rather dry tone of this particular manual.

Mmm. Maybe... "Verify. Authenticate. WAZZZZZ UPPP?!?"

All I can think is is "Vista Automatic Windows Update" which I think is just my mind trying to tie it into IT.

Not even Googling 'VAWU acronym' helps me. I'm out of ideas! (Though lol, this thread is already result number 3 for that search.)

We had a 'SWAT Team' pop up recently. Took me a while to figure out what that one meant in an IT/incident handling scenario. I kept imagining the guys with assault rifles and riot shields.

jjdebenedictis said:

VAWU.

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Variable Wavelength (light source / filter) Unit

Around here we've been talking about "swim lanes" and "road maps" for planning purposes. Apparently a road map is made up of multiple swim lanes.

"Consequence" as a verb.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to consequence him for that error."

Myrealana said:

"Consequence" as a verb.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to consequence him for that error."

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Wow, that's sinister.

Stake holders
Collaterals

I can't go on . . . it's too painful.

Jargon can be useful, but mostly, it's annoying.

We have a new buzzword floating around the office: Synergize!

I love it.

I've seen that written down in 'Mission Statements'. What does it mean?

I got sent a 'swim lane' document this morning. Thanks to this thread, I was prepared.

We also call swim lanes 'decision trees' a lot. I much prefer just calling them flow charts.

onesecondglance said:

Left hand: "I'm buying flour!"
Right hand: "I'm buying eggs!"
Both: "Hey, why don't we make some cakes?"

Synergy is pretty much used as a synonym for "working together".

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Ah..... that's what it means. That I understand. Thank you!

onesecondglance said:

Interesting. Our process maps have swim lanes, but they're not roads.

We have a "runway" instead. Projects on the runway are, somewhat perversely, "in flight", until they've "landed". I keep thinking that these people have clearly never been to an airport.

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I wonder if anyone has considered that "swim lanes" don't actually go anywhere. They just continually cover the same ground. Which, come to think of it, makes it a pretty good metaphor.

My boss is always saying "What I would share with you..."

Sometimes that's a precursor to interesting office information. Sometimes she uses it when she wants you to listen to her. Either way, it makes me nuts. Especially when she says it after answering a question. Of course you're sharing, I asked you to!

EMaree- I'm with you on the acronyms. I work at a university right now, and the acronym for the office I am in is 9 letters long without the school's department name attached to it. And somehow, everyone still uses it like it is completely normal. I love listening to the receptionist try to get it all out and not sound silly. Otherwise, I try not to make direct reference to the office name, to save myself the trouble.

And our new buzzword is "incubator" which always makes me think of baby chickens, and has nothing to do with the program...

Write_Askew said:

My boss is always saying "What I would share with you..."

Sometimes that's a precursor to interesting office information. Sometimes she uses it when she wants you to listen to her. Either way, it makes me nuts. Especially when she says it after answering a question. Of course you're sharing, I asked you to!

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Heh. I'm reminded of an old manager, who would always start his conversations with "I need some help with [such and such], and let me tell you for why..."

It's one of those phrases that most people would never string together, and could never use without sounding ridiculous, but he used it well.