Experience of interracial dating

Zig Bigfoot said:

How much does race figure in their normal interactions? Is it a topic of conversation, or just a given background item? Might they encounter negative reactions when, say, out on a date, or is a biracial couple not that big a deal nowadays?

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I don't know how big a deal it is nowadays, but my boyfriend who is white told me he used to date this Filipino girl (this was probably only about 20 years ago, if that) and they were at a restaurant one time and the waitress was horrible to them. She was super nice to the couple in the booth near them who weren't interracial. So, I think it's fair to say they might encounter some racism.

To the couple, I don't think it would be a big topic of conversation, unless they were talking about a time when they were treated badly because they were an interracial couple.

For me, it wasn't problematic with anyone I knew. The only people who gave me any guff for it were random strangers on the bus.

I also live in an urban environment in Canada, if that makes any difference.

Zig Bigfoot said:

Can anyone give me some help understanding the experience of interracial dating for young people today?

My MMC is white, my FMC black. They are middle-class, late 20s in age, college-educated, live in a big city. She's Baptist, he's agnostic. They dated in college, but then separated for several years and are now tentatively back together.

How much does race figure in their normal interactions? Is it a topic of conversation, or just a given background item? Might they encounter negative reactions when, say, out on a date, or is a biracial couple not that big a deal nowadays?

Their relationship is the B-story to a murder mystery, and race isn't supposed to be the focus of the story, but I don't want to ignore its realities, either.

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Personally, I don't think race will really need to be addressed at all. I am a white woman, late 20s, college-educated, agnostic and live in a big city. I've dated outside of my race more often than not and with the exception of a situation here or there, it's never been an issue. When it is an "issue", it is usually in the form of an older couple (60s and up) staring at us or making a snide comment as they walk by.

Live in a big city, have friends in interracial relationships (some very visibly disparate and a bit 'different' ), don't think any have had any issues or any anything whatsoever. It's a non-issue, as far as I know.

I'm not that young, but it's only an issue from the usual suspects. Where I live, there are often random strangers in line somewhere who act like asses, but they act like asses about a lot of things. They hold no weight with anyone, and they tend to know that and be angry about it, as far as I can tell.

Normal people don't bat an eye. I should say that this is in the NC-VA area. Off at school in England, problems with it were more noticeable from more regular folks, imho (unless I just can't tell who is average and who is not there, which is also quite possible).

Usually, I'd think in big cities it would be too common to cause any reaction, but regional differences may exist, especially internationally.

eta: is it a topic of conversation between the two people dating? It depends on the people, I think. I'm very open about all of that stuff with people so close to me, but some folks get irritated discussing it, etc. It kind of depends on the politics of the people, if that makes sense. I dated a Swiss guy (who was Portuguese) who faced prejudice pretty often but who never liked discussions about it (even as it was happening). It just wasn't something he wanted to discuss compared to what he did like talking about. Individual differences are huge here, I think.

In a big city, I don't think it would be a big deal. It's really common where I live. The only time I've heard anything was a woman in her 50s expressing surprise over a white man asking out my sister (who's black). She was happy about it though. Lol!

Being a Native American who grew up far from the reservation, it's kind of hard to date anyone in my race...

It's never really been an issue for the most part, and I always forget all my relationships have technically been interracial, since having other natives to date has kind of been a foreign concept to me until recently.

There are two exceptions, I guess.

The first being my last girlfriend's mother. She was always very civil in person usually, but actually called my (white) father a race traitor for marrying my mother. But she was also an abusive mother and a horrible person all around who hid it all behind a facade of perfect middle-class WASPiness, so not very typical.

The second is probably a more common thing, which is once we took my girlfriend (back when we thought she'd be my fiancé) on our family vacation, which included going back to the Rez, where it's painfully obvious if you're even half, like I am, and you stand out even more if you're as white as her (and my father, too, for that matter).

I doubt I'll get the chance to try anything but an interracial relationship anytime soon. For the most part, it's not a big deal. If it is, it's usually from the usual suspects.

Zig Bigfoot said:

They are middle-class, late 20s in age, college-educated, live in a big city.

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In that context? Total non-issue. (Unless you wanted to make it one by giving one or the other character intolerant relatives, or having them run into the once-in-a-blue-moon overt bigot, but nothing like that is needed for realism).

Race might be mentioned in their daily lives the same way other parts of their identities, like their religions, figure in. And race/culture might be important to your black MC in other ways (representation issues, politics, facing institutional racism, etc.), and that might inform her character in general, but the interracial dating part of it would not be any sort of a big deal unless you wanted to make it a big deal for a Character Reason. There would be things that would sometimes make them think about it, but you don't have to make those instances a part of your story if you don't want to.

(I should clarify -- it's possible they would run into situations where it would be noticed or commented on, depending on what unusual situations you're putting them in, but within their own circle of friends/acquaintances and their normal lives it would likely go entirely unremarked. That said, there's always the occasional asshole, so if you WANT them to face intolerance, it's not unrealistic.)

Source: My friends and I are almost all your exact demographic, and we all date interracially, pretty much without giving it any thought.

Yeah, as far as just in their own relationship, things might still come up, culturally and whatnot. But it wouldn't necessarily be particularly different than the kind of dynamic if, say, one came from a poor background and one from a wealthy background, or one is secular and the other is very religious, or one is gay and the other straight, or... Wait, that last one might not work.

or if one is 20 years older than the other

Depends on where they are. I lived in a mid-size town in Mississippi for several years, and three of my four step-kids dated interracially. Teenagers get away with it okay, but once they get to marrying age there is a lot of pressure to "find someone of their own kind," not because it's wrong to date outside one's race, but people think any mixed-race children will be culturally confused: "That's a horrible thing to put the kids through," is a common statement. Incidentally, I have four mixed-race nieces and nephews (two marriages with two kids each), and they're culturally fine.

But even in the South, as others said, it's much less of an issue in the bigger cities.

Chris P said:

Teenagers get away with it okay, but once they get to marrying age there is a lot of pressure to "find someone of their own kind," not because it's wrong to date outside one's race, but people think any mixed-race children will be culturally confused: "That's a horrible thing to put the kids through," is a common statement. Incidentally, I have four mixed-race nieces and nephews (two marriages with two kids each), and they're culturally fine.

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Being a halfbreed Indian myself, I actually think there's some bit of truth to this. It's a horrible reason to marry or not to marry anyone, but it really can be culturally confusing and difficult to establish a cultural identity if you're mixed. There's the lingering feeling that you don't really belong in either culture.

But then, Native American cultures might be a bit of a unique case in the US.

A lot depends on all kinds of things - where they are, what their families are like, what the race mix up is.

When I lived in Hong Kong, I'd often go out with Chinese men and people at restaurants would *stare*. It was really awkward, and more than a little annoying as these were similarly aged men, similarly educated, who spoke English fluently...nothing odd to me at all about me dating them. (At least nothing half as odd as all the elderly men dating teenaged girls...who no one batted an eye at.)

I had a (white) friend in Louisiana who was regularly pulled over when in the car with her Indian boyfriend. So definitely odd there.

But neither is overly likely to happen in, say, San Francisco where no one really noticed or cared that me (or another friend) would be out with a guy (or gal) who wasn't of the same race.

Families are another matter all together. Some are really accepting. But an awful lot aren't. And one family can be accepting while the other is horrible. (One white friend had her now mother in law tell her that she was going to hell for dating her Chinese son. But her parents didn't care in the least. An Indian friend was ostracized from her family for marrying a white man - until she had kids, at which point her parents forgave her. All of this happened in California.)

So reactions can be all over the place. I wouldn't say that they're non-existent everywhere. But they can be pretty close to it, depending on various factors.

This racial dating combination is relatively rare. I went out with a white guy and my word,the stares,comments and actual finger pointing from people,especially Black men,were insane.

I'd expect some resistance and comments from her family and friends. I certainly had my ears singed but good and friends asking how could I even dare date a White man. In the South,historical reasons are used to explain the widespread disinterest in White men. Again,I heard it all.

For Black women,IR dating is not as common as it is for our male counterparts.

Kitty27 said:

This racial dating combination is relatively rare. I went out with a white guy and my word,the stares,comments and actual finger pointing from people,especially Black men,were insane.

I'd expect some resistance and comments from her family and friends. I certainly had my ears singed but good and friends asking how could I even dare date a White man. In the South,historical reasons are used to explain the widespread disinterest in White men. Again,I heard it all.

For Black women,IR dating is not as common as it is for our male counterparts.

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I guess everyone is different. My family and friends never said anything negative to me when I was with a white guy once in college. Well, I had one cousin that said something about me hanging out with a lot of white people a couple of times. (I still don't understand this because up until he went to college he never dated anyone black. He was from a tiny po-dunk town though.) I went to college in a small college town and I don't remember anyone pointing or staring at us when we went out, but maybe that's because I just wasn't paying attention to other people. And we would do all that PDA stuff and share drinks and everything. I tend to not pay attention to people in general though. I do look mixed, but not half-white half-black, but half-black, half-Arab even though I'm only like 20% Arab. I see black girls with white guys all the time where I live now. (And every other combo there is.) But I understand in some areas people will stare more. My parents live in a small town. People there stare at anything different though, even Asian people.

Today? Depends on where they go. Racism still exists. If he's a young republican, I bet he'd get grief from that group. Biracial couples are still uncommon in some corners.

I dated an African-American woman (several actually) back in the 80s. My mom gave me grief, always telling me our children would never be accepted by anyone. She couldn't tell her parents. She was uncomfortable in my usual hangouts and I was uncomfortable in hers. There was usually an underlying tension, if not overt anger. At least sidelong, unaccepting glances and whispered comments. And I was confronted a few times as if I were some sort of threat. But mostly it was our parents and not being able to be honest with them that finally drive us apart.


Still. I have several interracial couples as friends. We went to their weddings, have watched their kids grow up to be wonderful people. It takes work, but it is done.

Chris P said:

Teenagers get away with it okay, but once they get to marrying age there is a lot of pressure to "find someone of their own kind," not because it's wrong to date outside one's race, but people think any mixed-race children will be culturally confused: "That's a horrible thing to put the kids through," is a common statement. Incidentally, I have four mixed-race nieces and nephews (two marriages with two kids each), and they're culturally fine.

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This POV also tends to assume that people who are not mixed race don't have problems with cultural identity.

kuwisdelu said:

Being a halfbreed Indian myself, I actually think there's some bit of truth to this. It's a horrible reason to marry or not to marry anyone, but it really can be culturally confusing and difficult to establish a cultural identity if you're mixed. There's the lingering feeling that you don't really belong in either culture.

But then, Native American cultures might be a bit of a unique case in the US.

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This is an interesting point.

I'm a similar mix as Kuwisdelu, and no matter who I dated they never shared the same culture as me. If I dated a caucasian man, people saw me as an indian. If I dated a person of color, then I was white. Ironically it wasn't until I dated a Latino guy that outwardly people identified us as the same race, but culturally we had the biggest gap.

From what I've found, sometimes older folks say weird things. Not necessarily mean, but still stereotypical. I had one boyfriend that was of German descent, his grandma was an immigrant and she was just so excited that he was dating an indian princess. I finally gave up trying to explain that no, I wasn't a princess, that I was only part native, and that we're not from India.

The biggest challenges dating interracially, for me, didn't come from people outside the relationship as much as the difference in culture. Mainly it just made some things more challenging (usually in a good way).

katci13 said:

I guess everyone is different. My family and friends never said anything negative to me when I was with a white guy once in college. Well, I had one cousin that said something about me hanging out with a lot of white people a couple of times. (I still don't understand this because up until he went to college he never dated anyone black. He was from a tiny po-dunk town though.) I went to college in a small college town and I don't remember anyone pointing or staring at us when we went out, but maybe that's because I just wasn't paying attention to other people. And we would do all that PDA stuff and share drinks and everything. I tend to not pay attention to people in general though. I do look mixed, but not half-white half-black, but half-black, half-Arab even though I'm only like 20% Arab. I see black girls with white guys all the time where I live now. (And every other combo there is.) But I understand in some areas people will stare more. My parents live in a small town. People there stare at anything different though, even Asian people.

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Yep,IR dating receives a broad spectrum of responses. There's also a generational difference. I am Gen X. It was very different during our time frame. Things are more open now,but foolishness can and does happen.

Zig Bigfoot said:

How much does race figure in their normal interactions?

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Barely.

At most it would be either differences in food, or maybe where the non-white says some slur about another ethic group at which point the white person calls them out/mentions that they could never get away with saying such a thing in a joking manner.

That's been the extant of it for me, a Scottish/English person having been married to an Indian person in Toronto... And most of the black (or mixed) women I know have dated primarily white men. IDK about the US but that combo is very common up here.

I've dated a few people who were not of my race (when living in a medium-sized American city in the midwest), and no one ever said or did anything out of the normal. We didn't talk about it, either, really, except that one guy told me a story about how he couldn't get served at a cracker barrel. And that story was about how he had experienced racism in Texas, not about anything we had encountered together. And one guy I only dated very briefly did, when we met, ask a lot of questions about whether my parents would have anything to say about my dating a black guy, so I assume it was worrying him, but since we didn't go out for long, it never became more of an issue.

Wilde_at_heart said:

At most it would be either differences in food, or maybe where the non-white says some slur about another ethic group at which point the white person calls them out/mentions that they could never get away with saying such a thing in a joking manner.

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Interracial doesn't necessarily mean one of them is white and the other non-white.

From my experiences in the world, it doesn't often come up between the people in the relationship (and if they dated when younger, it would probably have come up then, and now be something they're aware of, but don't feel the need to mention). Looks, the occasional "you're a traitor to your race/you should support Black Men" comment to the woman from passers-by, possibly a "you must be a real stud to have a black woman on your arm -- everyone knows they're oversexed" compliment from dumb white guys, but within their relationship and their circle of friends, it probably won't come up.