Incredibly Dumb Things You've Learned the Hard Way

*DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME EVER!*
Going up on an icy roof to string Christmas lights.
You see where this is going right?
Can I stop now?
Please?
Yeah, slid off the roof. At least it was a short drop

There was this broken lamp I needed to remove from my desk so I had a place to put the new one. Trouble was that the old lamp was still plugged into a completely inaccessible outlet behind the desk, which was antique and far too heavy for me to move. But hey, the lamp was already broken, so why not just use scissors to cut the light-weight cord and get it out of the way?

Note that while the lamp itself was broken, the outlet it was plugged into was working just fine. As was evidenced by the incredibly loud pop and flash of blinding blue light when I cut into the cord. Luckily I was using scissors with a non-conductive plastic handle and not touching the metal part, so I wasn't hurt, though the blades of the scissors were actually blackened.

Of course, the surge blew the power breaker for that part of the house. At which point my mother got involved, and prevented any further disaster.

I was sober and more than old enough to know better (16 or so). I knew how electricity worked and everything, it just didn't occur to me in the moment.

The main lesson I learned was to just call my mom or someone else with actual common sense *before* I blow the house up trying to fix things myself. Lol.

Don't daydream while walking along the railway tracks.

Fortunately, the train wasn't moving much faster than I was and just pushed me into the ditch.

BardSkye ... yeeeouch.

Two objects cannot occupy the same space, man. It's not just a good idea; it's a Law.

Just because it's tons of fun to race little Billy down the hill when he's in his red wagon and you are on your tricycle.... does not mean that it will be *twice* as much fun to race your tricycle down the hill after placing it on top of Billy's wagon and having little Billy pull you down the hill.

See, when little Billy pulls his wagon, he uses the handle because it's steers the wagon...
and don't you know, Little Billy, well, he's little.

Being little as Billy was, means you can't really run very fast. It also means that you can't outrun a girl, on her tricycle, in your wagon, going down that hill. When you can't run that fast, you trip, and when you trip in front of a speeding wagon full of girl and tricycle... you get run over. When you get run over by a speeding girl on a tricycle in your wagon, you tend to let go of the handle...

It is not good to be on a tricycle,
in a wagon,
speeding down a hill,
with no steering.

Trust me on this.

Don't eat an entire box of Quality Street in one sitting. It will make you sick, and you will spend the rest of the evening puking half-digested chocolate.

Don't feed your cats at 5 in the morning because you happen to be up then. They'll think breakfast time is always 5 in the morning.

If you're going on a two day bike ride through the desert, sleeping in and leaving whenever you feel like it is a terrible, terrible idea.

Loading up your bike without testing the balance before you go won't help at all.

Bringing boiled eggs and tins of sardines as your lunch for the first day is not the stroke of genius you suspect it might be.

And you might want to re-think how much water you're carrying. Even if you bring two whole bottles. It might not be enough....

No heavy drinking after fettuccine alfredo. I still can't drink rum or eat alfredo sauce *shudders*

No icing really bad burns!

I always knew they said that but didn't know why until I froze my burn-liquidy tissues into a really creepy, thick, cast-like thing all down my forearm that lasted a week. It actually healed beautifully (eventually), but it was creepy enough I don't recommend it! It was like I grew a shell *shudders again*

Learned this one last night: when using a hammer, make sure your hand is nowhere near where you're going to be hammering, particularly when you decide to look away from your target to make sure your boards are lined up right. You know, in general, it's probably not a good idea to hammer without looking in the first place.

No matter how terribly inviting Mississippi Mud Cake is
after a wonderful dinner of Red Snapper,

it's still:

Chocolate covered fish.

Blow out the candle using your mouth. Don't use the hair dryer. I don't care how much you're in a rush.

When you've got an infant or two of diaper rash age in the house, always check the label on that white tube before brushing your teeth...

If there is an open plate of cookies in a kitchen that historically has an ant problem, turn on the light to see if there are ants on the cookies before you put one in your mouth.

Don't walk down the side of the road in Indonesia holding a bag in the hand closest to the road.

Don't wade across a river that looks only knee-deep. At some point, it might not be, and you might almost die.

Edited to add: I'm very thankful about the "almost", however.

Never hunt with someone who keeps a round in the chamber and tests the so-called safety by periodically pulling the trigger.

Don't use your hand to try to stop a garage door from closing, unless you really aren't planning to use that hand for the next week or so.

And I don't recommend trying to push a cheap folding knife closed while holding it - you may find out the blade doesn't lock into place all that securely

12 sprays of alcohol-based perfume is at least 10 more than is necessary for burning a photograph in an ashtray. It's just about right for making a foot-high jet of flame, however.

And Vortex, give me back my damn lighter.

Bebop said:

When you've got an infant or two of diaper rash age in the house, always check the label on that white tube before brushing your teeth...

Click to expand...

When Daddy tells his 17 year-old daughter that she must have his little Italian sports car back by nine o'clock - it does not necessarily mean that you pull into the driveway at 8:58 after driving the last hair-raising four miles stuck in third gear with the completely separated shifter thingy sitting on the passenger seat...

That would be the gear stick? How in hell did you break that off? LOL!

mirandashell said:

That would be the gear stick? How in hell did you break that off? LOL!

Click to expand...

If you break something,
at least learn the proper name for it.

(I still have no idea why it broke on me)

Chasing the Horizon said:

And Vortex, give me back my damn lighter.

Click to expand...

Sorry, it's already been used to balance out the equilibrium of the universe