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threedogpeople
01-24-2006, 12:43 AM
Sherri234 (aka Susie) indirectly gave me this idea. Post your easiest (clean) jokes to remember..... Here's one to get us started.

*****************
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One but the lightbulb has got to want to change. :hooray:

*****************

William Haskins
01-24-2006, 12:52 AM
q: what does a bucked tooth cow say?

a: "moof"

tiny
01-24-2006, 01:25 AM
Why donít cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

NeuroFizz
01-24-2006, 01:25 AM
How do you keep a writer in suspense?













-

blacbird
01-24-2006, 01:37 AM
How did the passengers react when the Egyptian ferryboat sank?




They were in denial.


caw . . . caw . . . . . . . . caw . . . . (flying away fast)

maestrowork
01-24-2006, 01:40 AM
Why does the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Jaycinth
01-24-2006, 01:41 AM
Two paranormal experts were having coffee together one morning.

The first one says," So, what did you think about my book on levitation?"

"It kept me up all night," the other answered.
__________________________________________________
awww come on now, I know a few clean ones!!!

maestrowork
01-24-2006, 01:43 AM
What did the mushroom say to the other one?

"You're such a fungi."

Elincoln
01-24-2006, 01:54 AM
Q: What cat doesn't belong in a casino?

A: A Cheetah.

NeuroFizz
01-24-2006, 02:00 AM
How many Norwegians does it take to put in a basement window?

Three: One to put in the pane, and two to dig a hole for the ladder.

(I'm Norwegian, so to me they're fair game. Apologies to other Norsemen and Norsewomen)

trumancoyote
01-24-2006, 02:04 AM
Q: How many mosquitos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, but I have no idea how they got in there!

* * *

Q: What do pigs put on their cuts?

A: Oinkment! (Teehee)

maestrowork
01-24-2006, 02:07 AM
How do Chinese come up with baby's names?

They drop silverware in their sinks...

Maryn
01-24-2006, 02:14 AM
How can anyone keep me busy for hours and hours?

Give me a piece of paper with "See Other Side" written on both sides.

maestrowork
01-24-2006, 02:17 AM
Did you hear about the two peanuts that just called the cops.


One is a salted.

SpookyWriter
01-24-2006, 02:25 AM
What do Texicans at the Alamo and Russians during WWII have in common? They were both used to stalling.

kikazaru
01-24-2006, 02:35 AM
What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Optimus
01-24-2006, 03:43 AM
One for the fellas....


Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?


A: About 50 pounds.


;)

StoryG27
01-24-2006, 03:48 AM
Why did the blond name her dogs Timex and Rolex?

Because they're watch dogs.

Maryn
01-24-2006, 05:10 AM
Did you hear about the man who suffered a terrible accident and lost his entire left side?

He's all right now.

Maryn, bada-bing, bada-boom

poetinahat
01-24-2006, 05:28 AM
Cops arrested two teenagers for drinking battery acid and lighting fireworks.

They charged one and let the other off.

Cabinscribe
01-24-2006, 05:33 AM
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

poetinahat
01-24-2006, 05:35 AM
Hee hee! And, of course, wherever you find four Irishmen, you'll always find a fifth....

(note: with my surname, I'm entitled. And I fit the description as well. So hush!)

threedogpeople
01-25-2006, 02:00 AM
How many chiropracters does it take to change a lightbulb?

One...but it takes 27 visits.

BradyH1861
01-25-2006, 02:03 AM
What is the difference between God and a Doctor?


God doesn't think he's a doctor.

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one. He holds it up while the world revolves around him.

silentpoet
01-25-2006, 02:28 AM
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?


A pit bull leaving the school play ground.

veinglory
01-25-2006, 02:34 AM
Sherri234 (aka Susie) indirectly gave me this idea. Post your easiest (clean) jokes to remember..... Here's one to get us started.

*****************
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One but the lightbulb has got to want to change. :hooray:

*****************

That should be psychoanalysists. They beleive the patient heals themself guided by the therapist... psychiatrists are MDs focused on medical interventions not the talking cure.

poetinahat
01-25-2006, 02:48 AM
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish...

('it is a most elusive little fish!' 'and it went... wherever I... did go!')

threedogpeople
01-25-2006, 04:24 AM
That should be psychoanalysists. They beleive the patient heals themself guided by the therapist... psychiatrists are MDs focused on medical interventions not the talking cure.

Everyone's an editor.....I didn't write the joke, I just retold it here.:tongue

Yeshanu
01-25-2006, 04:32 AM
This one's for Ally:



What's the difference between a viola and a cello?

The cello burns longer.

(Can't resist -- here's another...)

What's the difference between a coffin and a viola?

The coffin has the stiff on the inside.

poetinahat
01-25-2006, 09:42 AM
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully aged 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in - and things just started to go downhill from there.

Shwebb
01-25-2006, 04:12 PM
What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

(If I remember correctly, it's a throwaway joke from Monty Python.)

NeuroFizz
01-25-2006, 06:10 PM
What's the diffrence between a Norwegian and a bucket of s**t?

The bucket.

(Again, I'm picking on the nationality of my paternal relatives while acknowledging that I am doing my best to live up to it all.)

threedogpeople
01-27-2006, 05:38 PM
What did the doctors tell the carrot parents at the hospital?

Your son will live but he'll spend his life as a vegetable.


(Can't take any credit for that one. It was my father-in-law's favorite joke, God rest his soul).

arrowqueen
01-28-2006, 04:04 AM
What's the difference between a pitbull and a female lawyer?

Lipstick.

loquax
01-28-2006, 04:18 AM
Two antennas got married. The wedding was awful, but the reception was pretty good.

***
(one for anyone who's ever been in a band)

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A: The drummer.

special needs
01-28-2006, 04:33 AM
This is boarderline 'clean', but its the only joke I know, so...anyway, its not really 'sexual' dirty its just... also..I dont have any problems with blondes and most are smarter than me (actually, almost everyone is smarter than me, but that's not my point)... no one be offended. -scared-
















How do you know when a blonde is having her period?
...There's a tampon behind her ear, and her pencil is missing...

-runs-

poetinahat
01-31-2006, 04:59 AM
So, this duck waddles into a pharmacy.

The pharmacist, nonplussed but restrained, greets him with, "Hello, sir. May I help you?"

Duck replies, "I'd like some ChapStick(r), please."

Pharmacist reaches up, gets a tube, and says, "There you are. That will be two-fifty. Will you be paying cash?"

"No, thanks. Just put it on my bill."

Pat~
01-31-2006, 05:20 AM
There was a magician on a cruise ship, who had a parrot for his act. Unfortunately the parrot had a habit of sitting on his shoulder, and with every trick, would give away the secret:

"SQUAWK, it's up his sleeve!"

"SQUAWK, it's under the table!"

One day, a terrible thing happened. The boiler room exploded, blowing up the ship; several people died, and the magician found himself in the water clinging to a piece of timber with the parrot on his shoulder. For three days they floated, awaiting help. Finally, the parrot cocked his head, and said hoarsely,

"s-q-u-a-a-a-w-k......I give up; what'd you do with the ship?"

Shwebb
01-31-2006, 05:43 AM
A blonde walks into the doctor's office.

When she meets w/ the doctor, he asks her what's wrong. She takes her finger and starts touching various parts of her body with it . . . her head, her stomach, both arms, both legs, her chest, her back . . . and says, "It hurts here, and here, and here . . ."

The doctor ran some tests, and they met the next day.

"I know what your problem is, young lady, " the doctor said.

"What is it?" the woman asked.

"You have a broken finger." (Gratuitous ellipses added for Poet's enjoyment.)

Maryn
01-31-2006, 06:48 AM
What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?











(wait for it...)







Their middle names.

PrettySpecialGal
01-31-2006, 07:38 AM
Did you hear about the termite who walked into the bar and asked "Is the bartender here?"







Well, yeah- I shoulda put a space between the r and t, but when you hear it, it all runs together, and since I can't say it....well...you get the point.

AdamH
01-31-2006, 08:55 AM
What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper.

Shwebb
01-31-2006, 09:31 AM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?


You 'neak up on it.

(Why do the bad ones always stick, and the funny ones I forget? :Headbang: )

ChaosTitan
01-31-2006, 09:33 AM
A newspaper.

And here I was going to say a penguin in a blender.

Oh wait, clean jokes....Dang.

NeuroFizz
01-31-2006, 06:02 PM
A Norwegian walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?"

The parrot says, "Oslo."

dahmnait
01-31-2006, 06:17 PM
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

-----------------------------

Q: What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator door?
A: Close the door, I'm dressing!!

-----------------------------

Q: What did the unhappy doe ask the bank teller?
A: "Can I change this buck?"

-----------------------------

Q: What is the difference between a cat and a frog?
A: A cat has 9 lives but a frog is constantly croaking.

poetinahat
02-01-2006, 02:44 AM
What's the wealthiest country in the world?

Ireland... because its capital is always Dublin.

brokenfingers
02-01-2006, 02:49 AM
A blonde walks into the doctor's office.

When she meets w/ the doctor, he asks her what's wrong. She takes her finger and starts touching various parts of her body with it . . . her head, her stomach, both arms, both legs, her chest, her back . . . and says, "It hurts here, and here, and here . . ."

The doctor ran some tests, and they met the next day.

"I know what your problem is, young lady, " the doctor said.

"What is it?" the woman asked.

"You have a broken finger." (Gratuitous ellipses added for Poet's enjoyment.)I must say I am highly offended at this improper joke. It's all fun and games and ha-ha-ha until someone's eye gets poked out and their tongue gets pulled.

I am sick and tired of people making jokes about us broken-fingered people.

I am filing an official complaint with the appropriate authorities.

The insensitivity of some people really astounds me sometimes.

Oh, and I'll have you know we are referred to nowadays as the "digit-hindered."

poetinahat
02-01-2006, 02:56 AM
Oh, and I'll have you know we are referred to nowadays as the "digit-hindered."

We're all very sorry, bf. In fact, from now on, we will only ever use numbers up to eight. (I assume you have two broken fingers; we'll adjust for additional 'hindrances'.)

Branwyn
02-01-2006, 03:02 AM
What's a witch's favorite topic in school? Spell-ing.

Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

threedogpeople
02-03-2006, 12:48 AM
I must say I am highly offended at this improper joke. It's all fun and games and ha-ha-ha until someone's eye gets poked out and their tongue gets pulled.

I am sick and tired of people making jokes about us broken-fingered people.
I am filing an official complaint with the appropriate authorities.
The insensitivity of some people really astounds me sometimes.

Oh, and I'll have you know we are referred to nowadays as the "digit-hindered."

I thought the p.c. use of "digit-hindered" was for people that are all thumbs. And, when do we use digit-challenged, nine-finger-able, digit-compromised, vs. semi-finger-able?

Shwebb
02-03-2006, 02:16 AM
I'm soooo sorry, BF. I sure didn't mean to offend you or any of the digitally impaired folks, or to insinuate that all of you are also intellectually challenged.

Or that people who whose hair is lacking pigment is a statement on their intelligence quotient.

So sorry. And I certainly don't want you to think I was talking about YOU. Of course, you wouldn't think that, would you? I mean, it's not like you're paranoid, right?

Just so's you know, when I was about nine years old, I saw a book with the title "Polish Jokes."

I thought it was supposed to be shoe-shining humor.

Godfather
02-03-2006, 08:56 PM
dont wanna offend anyone with this, so ill tell it anyway
(but im irish, so at this stage, i think its fair!)

how many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

LETS RIDE BIKES!!!

Maryn
02-03-2006, 10:39 PM
Where can you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

poetinahat
02-04-2006, 04:12 PM
So, I'm in my car, waiting at a stoplight. This bloke comes up to the window and says, "Hey, can you give me a lift?"

So I tell him, "Sure - the world's your oyster! Go for it!"

loquax
02-04-2006, 06:02 PM
An englishman, irishman, and a scottsman all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

P.S. - this is what a part of the alphabet would look like if you eliminated Q and R

WerenCole
02-04-2006, 10:21 PM
What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A Doyouthinkhesaurus?

Laffy Taffy, there full of em. . .

What did one mathbook say to the other?

I've got all the answers!

See, it pays to be addicted to sweets. . .

loquax
02-04-2006, 11:11 PM
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.

This might not work for Amerrrrrrricans.

Paint
02-05-2006, 01:18 AM
What did the O say to the number 8?

Nice belt!

brokenfingers
02-05-2006, 04:13 PM
I'm soooo sorry, BF. I sure didn't mean to offend you or any of the digitally impaired folks, or to insinuate that all of you are also intellectually challenged.No problem, Schwebb. I just become upset when people throw these hurtful words and jokes around without thinking of the impact they can have on the few of us who can't drum their fingers like everyone else, or have problems counting over eight because of their handicap.

Even worse, by far, are the manicurists and nail shop types who look at you with disdain when you plop down on the seat, as if to say "Oh God, not another one of them..."

Sniff! Sniff!

But the most painful thing (sob!) was my ex-girlfriend (sniff!) who complained when...(sob!) when... (sniffle!) when.... (gasp!) I... can't.... the memory is just too painful..... (sob!!!!)

Please forgive me folks. (sob!) Carry on.......

mkcbunny
02-08-2006, 09:31 AM
My aunt just sent this to me:

Late one night Norm's doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.

The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to get his bruised eye examined.
"Ah, yes," said the doctor when Norm explained what had happened. "There's a nasty bug going around."

writerterri
02-08-2006, 10:27 AM
Two flies flying in the kitchen. How can you tell which one's the cowboy?












He's the one on the range.:tongue

dahmnait
02-08-2006, 03:36 PM
Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf with someone who makes ceramics?
A: A hairy potter.


Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: GROUND Beef!

spike
02-08-2006, 07:49 PM
How many Mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't worry about it...I'll just sit in the dark.


How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Lightbulbs? That's a hardware problem.


What do you call a blonde who is flying a plane?

A pilot! You misogynist!

spike
02-08-2006, 07:51 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

spike
02-08-2006, 07:53 PM
A mushroom walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind."

The mushroom said, "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

Shadow_Ferret
02-08-2006, 07:54 PM
In fairness and equal time in regards to the outrage the Islamics have over a danish cartoon, I present a very easy joke for all to remember.


Jesus walks into a hotel and throws some nails onto the front desk and says, "Put me up for the night?"

mkcbunny
02-09-2006, 08:08 AM
This is the best thread ever. Dumb jokes make me laugh out loud.

blacbird
02-09-2006, 07:00 PM
How did the passengers react when the Egyptian ferryboat sank?




They were in denial.


caw . . . caw . . . . . . . . caw . . . . (flying away fast)

(Just for explanation: I posted this some days BEFORE the Egyptian ferryboat sank in the Red Sea).

Maryn
02-09-2006, 08:20 PM
What's green, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A pool table.

maestrowork
02-09-2006, 08:35 PM
What is black and white and has red all over?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A nun falling down the stairs

trumancoyote
02-10-2006, 01:46 AM
What's black, white, red all over, and can't fit through revolving doors?


.
.
.
.

A nun w/ a spear through her head.

kathompson
02-10-2006, 02:14 AM
Q. What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A. Hot cross bunnies!

threedogpeople
02-22-2006, 07:58 PM
What do ghosts have for breakfast?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Post Ghosties

threedogpeople
02-22-2006, 08:00 PM
How do you know that your grandma used your computer while you were at school?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You come home and there is white-out all over your monitor.

Cheryll
02-22-2006, 08:36 PM
What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?





Is it mine???

:D :D :D


Cheryll

threedogpeople
03-08-2006, 08:23 PM
What do you get when a blond dyes her hair brunette?


Artificial intelligence.





What do you call a brunette standing between two blonds?


A translator.





No offense intended to the fair haired of the world.

Carole
03-09-2006, 06:52 AM
What do you get when a blond dyes her hair brunette?


Artificial intelligence.






HEY! Have you been talking to my husband? That's what he keeps telling me!

threedogpeople
03-09-2006, 04:42 PM
What is black and white and has red all over?
.
.
.
.
.
A nun falling down the stairs



What is black and white and read all over?
.
.
.
.
.
A newspaper.

Godfather
04-10-2006, 02:37 PM
whats the difference between a basin and a bison?












you wash your hands in one, the others a south american bufallo

Kida Adelyne
04-10-2006, 03:52 PM
This one's for Ally:



What's the difference between a viola and a cello?

The cello burns longer.


A conductor with an orchestra was a great collector of antiques. He collected new oddments in every city he visited.
One day he visited a very small antique shop. Looking around, he found a rat statue. Looking at it, he found it appeared to be solid gold. Overjoyed at this find in such a small shop, he went over to the counter.

"How much do you want for this?" he asked the shopkeeper.
"One dollar," the man replied.
"Only one dollar?" he asked/
"Yes, but there is one condition: you can't return it. The moment you pay, it's yours." The conductor was thrilled, payed the dollar and left the shop.

Walking down the street, carrying the rat, he noticed that rats were starting to follow him. As he walked on, more rats followed, coming out of everywhere. He started to run, and the rats kept pace. He came to a bridge, and rats were closing in on both sides. Looking at the gold rat, he tried the only thing he could think of, and threw the rat into the river. All the rats dived in after it, and drowned in the current.

The conductor, having an idea, went back to the antique shop. The shopkeeper, seeing him coming barred the door.
"You can't return it-" he started to say.
"No, no. I don't want to return it," the conductor said. "I was just wondering if you had any gold Violists."

***

Sorry it was so long. And a note of explaination: I'm a cellist, Yeshanu is a violist.

***

Q: Whats the difference between an onion and a viola?
A: You cry when you cut an onion.

pianoman5
04-10-2006, 04:31 PM
Undertakers arranging Gene Pitney's funeral have told his family that it could take a week to make a coffin from teak, whereas it's only 24 hours from balsa.

expatbrat
04-10-2006, 05:00 PM
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?









Spot

expatbrat
04-10-2006, 05:02 PM
A man walked into a bar




Ouch!

expatbrat
04-10-2006, 05:04 PM
Some people think I'm ADD.

It's just that they don't understand... hey look, is that a squiral?

arrowqueen
04-11-2006, 12:24 AM
Hear about the dyslexic pimp?

Bought himself a warehouse.

WVWriterGirl
04-11-2006, 08:34 AM
As a member of the fair-haired, I have every right to know (and laugh at) every one of these:

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
____
Two blondes were walking through the forest when one stopped and pointed at the ground. "Hey, look at that! Deer tracks!" the other laughed at her and said, "You're crazy. Those aren't deer tracks, they're bear tracks." They stood there, arguing, for quite a while. Pretty soon, a train hit them.
____
Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I think I'm drunk!"
____
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: Have all the blondes gone home?

(Couldn't resist a bit of revenge...muhaha...)

kikazaru
08-03-2006, 04:41 AM
Thought I'd resurrect this thread to post this one I heard today.

My neighbor discovered her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told her if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in it's ears once a
month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair
remover. At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs,
don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

bubblegirl
08-03-2006, 05:43 AM
Considering I have compiled 5 joke books on my web page, I thought I should join in.

Here are some stupid music jokes:

How do you fix a tuba? With a tuba glue!

What is the definition of a bassoon? A table leg with bad gas.

What does it mean if the drummer is drooling out both sides of his mouth? The stage is level!

What do you get if you throw a grand piano off a cliff, onto an army base? A flat major!

What do you get if you throw a piano on a mine shaft? A flat minor!

What's better: a cello or a violin? A cello - it burns longer!

deacon
08-03-2006, 06:03 AM
husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

bubblegirl
08-03-2006, 06:58 AM
I got one a friend sent me:

While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death.

I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.