Tolerance of homosexuality will lead to ducks taking over the world and enslaving humanity

Plot Device · Oct 16, 2012

I realize we are supposed to "respect our fellow writer." And so with that directive in mind, I will abstain from actually commenting upon the following Letter to the Editor which was published in the Northern Outlook in Canterbury, New Zealand just recently. I will let the letter writer's words stand aone with no comment from me whatsoever.

http://gawker.com/5951874/homosexua...-of-humanity-by-ducks-warns-homeschooled-teen

Ancient Behavior

Homosexuality, including same-sex marriage, is not an enlightened idea. The Romans practised homosexuality. Surely, after 2,000 years, our level of intelligence should have evolved somewhat, so that we can truly pride ourselves of being cleverer than out forebears.

If homosexuality spreads, it can cause human evolution to come to a standstill. It could threaten the human position on the evolutionary ladder, and say, ducks, could take over the world. Ducks always nest in pairs and if we allow same-sex marriage, then the ducks will have evolved further than we have. We will be in danger of all being equal, with ducks more equal than us.

We should learn from history and not be stuck with copying ancient behavior. The government has no right to bring us back to the stone age. I don't want my children to have to compete with ducks. I want them to evolve further than I have. Any self-respecting human would aim for that too.

None of this really bears any weight for me, because I do not believe in evolution. However, the powers that be believe in evolution, and have made many decisions based on it. They should be consistent: If you believe in evolution, you can't be in favor of homosexuality, or the ducks will get you in the end.

Jasmin H[redacted], aged 14
Homeschooled, Scargill

All right then ... I will make just one comment ... "the ducks will get you in the end" is quite the double entendre.

.

Cyia · Oct 16, 2012

Sounds like a poorly executed attempt at satire to me. (She said, hopefully.)

Vince524 · Oct 16, 2012

That's quaked up.

Opty · Oct 16, 2012

Poe's Law or idiot? I can't decide. However, based on the phrasing and word choice, it doesn't strike me as something written by an actual 14 year old, homeschooled or not.

mayqueen · Oct 16, 2012

I'm hoping its satire. That said, I thought (thanks to my upbringing and small town) that homosexuality was an abomination, etc, when I was 14, too. Now I'm in a committed relationship with another woman. *shrug*

Cyia · Oct 16, 2012

mayqueen said:
I'm hoping its satire. That said, I thought (thanks to my upbringing and small town) that homosexuality was an abomination, etc, when I was 14, too. Now I'm in a committed relationship with another woman. *shrug*

Does she weigh less than a duck? Because that would be bad, too.

Monkey · Oct 16, 2012

I'm pretty certain that this is an attempt to point out how absurd the "evolutionist" point of view is by taking it to it's logical extreme.

The only problem is that the writer understands neither the point of view nor the logic.

The same thing happened when Kirk Cameron tried to argue that because there was no "Crocoduck," evolution must not be happening.

I once had a friend who was fond of making these arguments. It's a very simple formula: an incomplete picture of the position, coupled with no desire to actually understand it... add in a pinch of sardonic wit... you end up with something that kind of resembles the original idea but is way funnier... now stretch that as far as it will go and BINGO!

In this particular letter, the writer appeals to those who believe in evolution as she thinks they understand it, but she makes it clear that she doesn't believe the way they do, because, as she clearly demonstrates, their position is silly.

And it would be. If anyone actually believed that way.

muravyets · Oct 16, 2012

I notice that the writer claims to be 14 years old. Assuming that is true, I say it's even money between teen satire and a child parroting adult idiocies only partially overheard (but stupid enough to be just as unenlightening if heard in their entirety).

NoGuessing · Oct 16, 2012

It's a joke. You don't find many people speaking out against gay marriage here unless they belong to some weird little sect or are Colin Craig, but then again it is Canterbury, and Scargill...

Serious or not, the marriage equality bill is cruising through parliament at a leisurely stroll on its way to a pass so meh.

It's the kind of thing a uni student would write for laughs. The Northern Outlook isn't exactly a big fish in the NZ media market either. I'm amazed you found it PD.

Plot Device · Oct 16, 2012

NoGuessing said:
The Northern Outlook isn't exactly a big fish in the NZ media market either. I'm amazed you found it PD.

I saw it in a side column at Gawker and clicked.

Unimportant · Oct 16, 2012

It seems that the writer of the letter really is a 14 year old girl, but I'm still not sure how much of it is heart-felt homophobia and how much if it is yanking people's chains.

Either way, it doesn't exactly make me proud to be a Kiwi.

NoGuessing said:
It's a joke. You don't find many people speaking out against gay marriage here unless they belong to some weird little sect or are Colin Craig, but then again it is Canterbury, and Scargill...

Dunno. Several years ago we had some bloke in plaid polyester, trailed by his equally badly-dressed teenaged son, come up our drive and ask us to sign a petition against same-sex civil unions (because God, Family, Society, End of Civilisation As We Know It, etc). There we were, with matching hers-and-hers garden forks, couldn't be more obviously a same-sex couple if we tried, and Mr Oblivious was waving his petition at us in smiling certainty that we'd want to sign it. And we're in the North Island, so we can't even blame Canterbury.

(I'm afraid that, in a very unlady-like manner, I told him he had thirty seconds to get off my property before I started hucking rocks at him.)

whistlelock · Oct 16, 2012

I, for one, welcome our new duck overlords.

Anna L. · Oct 16, 2012

whistlelock said:
I, for one, welcome our new duck overlords.

Aw, you beat me to the punch. I was going to say exactly that.

Anninyn · Oct 17, 2012

Ducks are horrible things, and while they technically may nest in pairs, when it's breeding season they go a bit nuts.

Things male ducks have been seen to mate with that aren't female ducks.

Male ducks
Dead ducks
Tree stumps
Other animals

And let's not forget all the 'forced mating from groups of male ducks' that goes on.

Ducks are AWFUL. They would take us over if they had the brains for it.

RichardGarfinkle · Oct 17, 2012

Come fellow cooks. We will hold the line against the duckpocalypse.

We will buiild a barricade of Peking Pancakes, mortared with Plum Sauce. They will fall in droves and their fowl roasting will fill the air with warning to their fellows that we can and will conquer them.

We shall crisp their skin, and render their fat and stew their bones.

For they have made the greatest mistake in evolution:

Being really yumm.

Teinz · Oct 17, 2012

Homosexuality is big amongst male ducks... No need to fret over their claim to world domination.

http://tinyurl.com/cjl9897

So now we need to worry about...?

http://tinyurl.com/cg344nn

Celia Cyanide · Oct 17, 2012

whistlelock said:
I, for one, welcome our new duck overlords.

I agree. I think it sounds awesome! I don't know what Miss Thing here is complaining about!

regdog · Oct 17, 2012

What can I say but

10084-iroas-albums-lulz-picture2713-funny-pictures-giraffe-shuns-duck1.jpg

JimmyB27 · Oct 17, 2012

Well, ducks are evil.

mayqueen · Oct 17, 2012

I was wondering why ducks, since 1) I was curious about the prevalence of same-sex duck sex behavior and 2) I think all birds are evil and I hate them.

Roger J Carlson · Oct 17, 2012

Few 14-year-olds are able to do more than just parrot what they've heard. That many home-schoolers (though certainly not all) are both anti-evolution and anti-gay is certainly not news. I don't see what's newsworthy about a home-schooled teen's opinion either. This says something only about this girl's parents, not home-schoolers in general and certainly not about New Zealanders.

benbradley · Oct 17, 2012

We will be in danger of all being equal, with ducks more equal than us.

I'm wondering if the writer's recent reading includes "Animal Farm."

JimmyB27 · Oct 17, 2012

Surely, after 2,000 years, our level of intelligence should have evolved somewhat, so that we can truly pride ourselves of being cleverer than out forebears.

Now I think of it, this line really makes me think it's satire. What else happened 2000 years ago that a lot of people think we should have evolved beyond?

KimJo · Oct 17, 2012

Honestly, it *could* be satire, or at least an attempt at it. I don't know whether it is or not, but I can see my 14-year-old daughter (a strong proponent of "who cares who you love or marry as long as you're happy, and why are people idiots about it") writing something like this to try to show the idiocy behind those who claim same-sex marriage will destroy the fabric of the universe. She's got a wicked sense of humor/satire, though she doesn't always recognize it from other people. (My daughter has Asperger's.)

Filigree · Oct 17, 2012

No, I suspect that irony is beyond the original essayist, and she was just home-schooled by idiots.

Tolerance of homosexuality will lead to ducks taking over the world and enslaving humanity

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