View Full Version : Beta for first 3 chapters of YA Romance

08-06-2012, 03:46 AM
I'm participating in this month's Camp NaNoWriMo with a YA Romance novel that's a play on Pandora's Box mixed with a bit of religion. As I'm writing, I'm wondering if my character doesn't come across as too whiny in the first three chapters.


Have you ever wished upon a star?

Sixteen-year-old Audrey’s life couldn’t be more ordinary. She is of average height, average looks and has average grades. Tired of the monotony, she wishes, one silly night, upon a falling star, ridiculously hoping that would change her life.

Little does she know that that star harbors something that will change her life forever, for that star is Muriel, an angel so corrupted he was exiled from Heaven. In him lie all the evils in this world, and he knows the key to unleashing it lies somewhere in Earth. And he is desperate to find it.

Wish Upon A Star is a modern-day dark love story that combines Pandora’s Box with religion.

Would someone mind to look over what I've written so far? 3 chapters, about 7k words.

08-06-2012, 04:10 AM
Your story description is very intriguing, and the writing style appealing, but I'm kinda flat-out with other committments :(

How in-depth of a crit are you looking for, and what's your time frame?

08-06-2012, 04:32 AM
Just looking for someone to tell me whether or not the MC is being overly dramatic or not. I'm not sure if she sounds extremely whiny or if it's just my being too close to the story.

Time frame... Until the end of the month?

08-06-2012, 04:43 AM
Okay, go on then ;-) I'll PM you my addy.