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stranger
06-25-2012, 03:55 PM
Hi guys,

There seems a to be some activity on helping people with book descriptions in this subforum, so I thought I'd try my luck. Thanks in advance for any help.

This is what I've had for the last while.


Jagger and the real world are not friends. He gets on better with the world within his head where his daydreams come alive.

His guardian feels he can't cope and thinks he might be better off in an institution and Jagger's not sure he even cares. All that changes when he is transfered to a mythology course.

His daydream world becomes a battleground for Odin and Zeus. When Zeus shoots a thunderbolt that narrowly misses yet leaves Jagger's skin burning, he wonders just how imaginary this new world is.

Despite the dangers, he can't get enough of it. He is Perseus as he cuts off Medusa's head and Loki as he schemes against the other gods. He sees Odin face the frost giants at Ragnarok and Achilles set sail for Troy.

Inspired by his mythological heroes, Jagger begins a real world quest. He starts working for a newspaper and his investigations lead him into danger. Will ancient truths help Jagger in the modern world?

And can Odin and Zeus learn to get along? Or at least not use Jagger for target practice?

I tried rewriting and came up with this.


Relive Greek and Norse myths as never before.

Eighteen-year-old Jagger is addicted to his imagination. He scorns the real world and lives inside his own head. He is happy to withdraw completely until his daydream world becomes a battleground for Odin and Zeus. When Zeus shoots a thunderbolt that narrowly misses yet leaves his skin burning in the real world, the edges of reality blur even further for Jagger.

A contest of myths is formed where Greek is pitted against Norse. Under Loki and Prometheus's guidance, Jagger acts as judge. He is Perseus as he cuts off Medusa's head and Loki as he schemes against the other gods. He sees Odin face the frost giants at Ragnarok and Achilles set sail for Troy.

Inspired by his mythological heroes, he starts working for a newspaper where his investigations lead him into real danger. Prometheus tries to help Jagger, but getting aid from Loki, the trickster, could be double-edged. Will ancient truths help Jagger in the modern world?

What do you think? Either of them any good? Which do you prefer? Any other suggestions?

Thanks.

alleycat
06-25-2012, 04:10 PM
One question first: Does this imaginary world turn out to be real for the character, or do we eventually learn that all of this is just his imagination? Or are we (and possibly the character) left in doubt at the end whether it was real or not?

One small comment at the moment: I assume both of these storylines run parallel for most of the story (except for the beginning); the way you have it written makes it feel like there's a jarring break between the character imaginary world and his job at the newspaper. I think I would try to show that these two storylines intersect earlier in the blurb.

stranger
06-25-2012, 04:30 PM
One question first: Does this imaginary world turn out to be real for the character, or do we eventually learn that all of this is just his imagination? Or are we (and possibly the character) left in doubt at the end whether it was real or not?

It doesn't become real. It's more in his imagination than not, but beta readers have been left wondering at the end.


One small comment at the moment: I assume both of these storylines run parallel for most of the story (except for the beginning); the way you have it written makes it feel like there's a jarring break between the character imaginary world and his job at the newspaper. I think I would try to show that these two storylines intersect earlier in the blurb.

Yes, the real world and imaginary world run parallel. I guess the way it works is: Jagger has no interest in real world->meets Odin+Zeus fighting->contest of myths set up->Jagger starts his own quest (newspaper job). Then from there the real world quest and contest of myths continue alongside each other.

alleycat
06-25-2012, 04:48 PM
What made me wonder from the blurb was Jagger's skin being burned. You might want to express that slightly differently (When Jagger actually feels his skin burning from almost being hit by a thunderbolt hurled wildly by the angry Zeus he begins to wonder whether his mythical work is real or not.--or something similar)

stranger
06-26-2012, 12:30 PM
What made me wonder from the blurb was Jagger's skin being burned. You might want to express that slightly differently (When Jagger actually feels his skin burning from almost being hit by a thunderbolt hurled wildly by the angry Zeus he begins to wonder whether his mythical work is real or not.--or something similar)

I think I can streamline the sentence better by starting with "When Jagger actually feels" so I think I'll make that change. I'm not sure what the confusion created is though.

merrihiatt
06-27-2012, 07:27 AM
Alleycat's question was a good one in that I was wondering, too. I was assuming boundary lines were being crossed between imagination and reality when Jagger actually felt Zeus' thunderbolt. I found that incredibly intriguing and would have been disappointed to find out Jagger's world was only in his imagination and there really was no crossing over into reality.

I like the second blurb better.

stranger
06-27-2012, 12:44 PM
Alleycat's question was a good one in that I was wondering, too. I was assuming boundary lines were being crossed between imagination and reality when Jagger actually felt Zeus' thunderbolt. I found that incredibly intriguing and would have been disappointed to find out Jagger's world was only in his imagination and there really was no crossing over into reality.

Yes, the lines get crossed--Jagger sees a policeman turn into an ogre and Loki takes control of Jagger in the real world (making him do things he regrets). And what's going on in the real world affects the weather and happenings in the imaginary world.


I like the second blurb better.

Thanks.

stranger
06-28-2012, 10:45 PM
Any thoughts on a rather different take. Just been brainstorming and came up with this.


Choose imagination. Choose Loki. Choose Prometheus. Choose failing out of college. Choose the labors of Hercules. Choose to fight at the Scaean gate. Choose to explore creation. Choose Thor's hammer. Choose to ignore everyone around you. Choose to watch Odin spearing Zeus. Choose invisible walls protected by French mimes. Choose running from Zeus's thunderbolt. Choose a quest. Choose to fight your fate. Choose revenge. Choose defying the gods and accepting your punishment. Choose giant magpies and ogre police and fire-breathing bulls.

Choose imagination.

Choose MYTHWEAVER

Would it make you want to read the book?

merrihiatt
06-29-2012, 05:17 AM
No. It makes me want to delete the word choose because it's used so often. I completely lost the vision and found myself focusing on the word choose. My two cents.

stranger
06-29-2012, 12:32 PM
No. It makes me want to delete the word choose because it's used so often. I completely lost the vision and found myself focusing on the word choose. My two cents.

Thanks. It's a take-off of a famous speech in a movie called Trainspotting. You just made me realize that it's not as well known as I assumed and that it likely comes off as plain weird if you haven't seen the movie.

merrihiatt
06-30-2012, 03:55 AM
Thanks. It's a take-off of a famous speech in a movie called Trainspotting. You just made me realize that it's not as well known as I assumed and that it likely comes off as plain weird if you haven't seen the movie.

Ah... you're right, I haven't seen it. Didn't get the connection.