Help w/ first person past POV

1st person has a very strong voice.

So I think you're struggling with the voice. You're putting the voice before the actual narration.

Here’s the thing about the end of the world: it’s mind-numbingly boring.

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You're speaking, purely in present because of the voice.

My rewrite:

The end of the world was mind-numbingly boring.

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Your voice seems to follow the narrator, from his thoughts to the page. But I want you to think more "academically". Have the narrator say what they wish, without any intent on adding their voice. The voice will still come out, but subtly.

I see 1st present as the narrator speaking of the experience as it happens. Like he's speaking about his actions while performing them.

I see 1st past as if a recollection of events. Think, journal entry or he's telling you a story.


I mostly see the problem with how you're wording, what you wish to say.

A little exercise:

Take a old 3rd person, past tense section.
Replace all "names, he, his, they" with "I, me, my".
Then read it.
With a little difficulty, it will change over perfectly.

He found his way inside the building and looked down the empty halls.

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I found my way inside the building and looked down the empty halls.

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Hope this helps.

Are you deliberately trying to address the reader - take him out of the story? What kind of a story is it?

That 'Here's the thing'- is addressed to somebody. Who?

I actually liked the sentence the way you had it. If you make it clear your character is telling the story to someone, I think these little moments in present tense could work. But I'm no expert on POV, so I might be wrong.

rwm4768 said:

I actually liked the sentence the way you had it. If you make it clear your character is telling the story to someone, I think these little moments in present tense could work. But I'm no expert on POV, so I might be wrong.

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The sentence as is is totally fine as first person past.

Remember -- your character is telling a story, and people do sometimes talk that way in the middle of their tale. In fact, those kind of asides are so common in FPP as to be almost a cliche, so you don't want to overdo it. Too much, and it becomes precious or snarky, depending on the tone. But there's nothing wrong with it at all.

And as far as the narrative goes, first person's strong point is the intimacy it provides to the reader -- the MC is talking to you, after all. And so, the most important thing in first person actually is the voice -- if the reader connects to the mc and finds him/her appealing (or at least, interesting) everything else falls into place. Without a strong and distinctive voice, it will be very hard for the book to succeed, so in general it's not a good idea to sacrifice that voice to push the narrative sense.

Ditto what rugcat just posted. This snippet is an internalized thought/comment, and not a violation of your narrative POV in any way. Lots and lots of authors do this; John D. MacDonald, in his Travis McGee mystery series did it with characteristic regularity. Same for Rex Stout, in his Nero Wolfe series.

caw

Nothing wrong with the sentence per se.


Internalized thought or not, I still think that 'Here's the thing' type of direct address to the reader would have to be a deliberate choice, fit the particular style of the narrative and the type of story and not just be an 'out of the blue' narrator comment.

Bufty said:

It may be an internalized thought/comment but I don't directly address my internal thoughts to outsiders or preface them with phrases like 'here's the thing'.

I still think it would have to be a deliberate choice, fit the particular style of the narrative and the type of story and not just be an 'out of the blue' comment.

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Nonetheless, it's a widespread device used in many, if not most, successful first person books, esp in genre fiction.

So much so, that as I said, it's almost become a cliche and so must be used with restraint.

Altered my post before seeing your prompt reply, R, but the content remains pretty much the same.

Stelle said:

Thanks for the insight, both of you. I don't want her addressing anyone...I just want her to tell a story. And I do think that I'm letting her voice overshadow the narration. I need to think a bit more carefully about how I word things. Food for thought!

I just don't want to get bogged down - as seems to be my pattern lately - by changing the POV back and forth between first and third.

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Telling a story in first person is the her voice. All the narration is her voice. There's nothing wrong with your sentence, and it doesn't mean you're switching to present tense. Every word of a first person story, narration and all, is really dialogue. It's the first person narrator telling the story to the reader, or to whoever you imagine she's telling it to. This means every word should be one hundred percent her voice.

Every line except the dialogue of other characters should be so much the POV character's voice that the reader can tell who's speaking without any attribution.

If it's the way she would say it, that's the way you should write it.