Cover and Blurb Advice? (New blurb attempt: post #26)

Katallina · Jun 21, 2012

Updates: (1) Latest blurb attempt is post #26. (2) if anyone has title suggestions I'm certainly happy to hear them.

A tremendous thank you to everyone who has provided feedback and suggestions.

Hey guys!

I'm roughly 70% done my revisions for Moon Dance, but one thing I tend to do when I'm stuck is work on all the other aspects of my book that go outside the actual writing. Today I'd like to link you to an image that I am thinking of using for the front cover. I'd also like to share the blurb I'm thinking of putting on the back. Your feedback would be deeply appreciated on both.

The Cover Image:

Here is the image.

What I Like:

-- The female dancer's hair
-- The female dancer's dress
-- The way both dancers are positioned
-- The overall 'feel' of the image

What Concerns Me:

-- How old do these people look?
-- Do the blur effects take away from the image?
-- Even if it "looks nice" is it appropriate for YA fantasy / romance?

My family and friends think it looks great, but they are my family and friends. I could show them the geico gecko on a white background with my name and title in Times New Roman and they'd go "That's great!". *laughs*

I like the image. But it is completely possible that I am seeing things about it which are not going to be there for a reader scrolling down a page on Amazon. I have done my homework enough to know that "I like it." as the author does not mean it will necessarily translate into a good cover. (Much as I might wish otherwise.)

If I want to purchase this image it's going to cost me $30 - $40 to do that. I figured I was smarter to show it here first, rather then buy it and have people go, "But, Kat! That looks TERRIBLE!" I do have ideas on what I want to use for the fonts for my name, the title and my tagline. I have downloaded a sample and have messed with that, but since I have not purchased the image it seemed to me that it would be dishonorable to post that here.

(On a side note: If I do decide to buy this which size am I going to want?)

I was going to work with a local graphic designer but when I found out that the $25 / hour fee was going to require 15 - 20 hours ($375 - $500) to design my cover I had to tell them that was beyond my budget. I'm sure they are really talented and could have produced something beautiful, but since this is my first book and I do not have a lot of money it did not seem feasible.

I'm sure I could save myself a migraine by getting a PayPal account and hiring someone, but my family had some real trouble with that when it released (I realize that was years ago) and everyone *here* is telling me I'm "talented enough to do it myself". (Which is probably family-ese for "you can't guarantee your book's going to sell so why waste the money?" but we won't go there.

)

Should I bite the bullet and set that up? Any suggestions on a way to test it and make sure it works right so that I don't set something up and have trouble getting it paid for? (I know I can be a bit paranoid, but I would find that upsetting.)

My take is that I have an interesting story and that it deserves a nice cover. I don't necessarily think I need to spend $500 on that (as I said, that is beyond what I can reasonably afford) but I want to provide it with something that will do justice to what I've been working on for over a year and which will draw in readers. (Stories only truly live when someone is reading them. I know it sounds cheesy, but that's how I feel and I am a little sentimental.)

At any rate, I'm done rambling.

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?

My Blurb:

He Saved Her Life...

Two years ago Sarena Lengton died in a fire. When her soul journeyed to the Underworld she met Zakariah, the Lord of Judgement. Refusing to let her die, he gave Sara fruit from the Tree of Life. He also tasked her with a mission: to unite him with the other half of his soul, currently living on Earth.

She'll Save His Soul...

When a student is murdered at Sterling High Sara thinks the Kindred, ageless beings who came to Earth during the Millenium, are somehow responsible. Desperate to protect her friends she turns to the one person who might be able to help: Prince Kesyl "Kess" Veradayne. He too saved her life the night her world went up in flames -- then discarded her the moment she rejoined the living.

The Truth Could Change Everything...

Hunted by a deadly foe, Sara and Kess must forget their past if they want to have a future. But will that be enough to stop a ruthless goddess who wants them both dead?

***

I am more confident in this then I am in the image, but I figure I should still let it get some feedback. Did it get your attention? Is it too short or too long? Is it distinct enough or does it seem generic? Yet again, any thoughts, comments or suggestions are welcome.

Thanks so much for taking the time to look at this. Have a great day!

robertbevan · Jun 21, 2012

Katallina said:
I'm sure I could save myself a migraine by getting a PayPal account and hiring someone, but my family had some real trouble with that when it released (I realize that was years ago) and everyone *here* is telling me I'm "talented enough to do it myself". (Which is probably family-ese for "you can't guarantee your book's going to sell so why waste the money?" but we won't go there. )

Should I bite the bullet and set that up? Any suggestions on a way to test it and make sure it works right so that I don't set something up and have trouble getting it paid for? (I know I can be a bit paranoid, but I would find that upsetting.)

getting into the self publishing biz, it's probably a good idea to familiarize yourself with things like paypal sooner or later anyway. i say set up an account just because of that.

for the cover image, i think you can do better than this one. shop around for stock photos some more. i'll admit i'm not your target audience, and i won't be winning any awards for cover design myself, but i'm not all that thrilled about this image.

yeah, the dress is pretty, but their faces are throwing me off a bit. he looks like he's slightly pissed off, and she looks like she's whacked out on painkillers.

Katallina said:
My Blurb:

He Saved Her Life...

Two years ago Sarena Lengton died in a fire. When her soul journeyed to the Underworld she met Zakariah, the Lord of Judgement. Refusing to let her die, he gave Sara fruit from the Tree of Life. He also tasked her with a mission: to unite him with the other half of his soul, currently living on Earth.

the only "person" mentioned by name here other than sarena is zakariah, the lord of judgement. are all of these "he's", "him's", and "his's" referring to the zakariah? it just struck me as a weird thing for a lord of judgement to do.

also... are sarena and sara the same person? maybe stick with one name in the blurb. you can work a nickname in the novel.

Katallina said:
She'll Save His Soul...

When a student is murdered at Sterling High Sara thinks the Kindred, ageless beings who came to Earth during the Millenium, are somehow responsible. Desperate to protect her friends she turns to the one person who might be able to help: Prince Kesyl "Kess" Veradayne. He too saved her life the night her world went up in flames -- then discarded her the moment she rejoined the living.

really confused here...
1. ageless beings who came to earth during the millenium. by "during the millenium", do you mean "over the course of the past one thousand years"? or do you mean to say "at the turn of the millenium" or something like that?

2. "Sterling High" and "Prince Kesyl "Kess" Veradayne" feel like they belong in two entirely different books. is this prince hanging around some high school? is he an exchange student?

3. was it zakariah, the lord of judgement, who saved sarena's life, or was it prince kess?

4. what do you mean by "he discarded her the moment she rejoined the living. is it something like this:

"thank you, prince kess, for shoving that magic apple into the charred remains of my mouth and bringing me back from the dead."

"ain't no thang. now get out my face, bitch."

Katallina said:
The Truth Could Change Everything...

Hunted by a deadly foe, Sara and Kess must forget their past if they want to have a future. But will that be enough to stop a ruthless goddess who wants them both dead?

wait, what? who? i feel like i just read a blurb for like four or five different books. tack on one more because of the cover image, which doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything in this blurb.

i can honestly say that i have no idea what your story is about. what's more... there's nothing in here about dancing. if i see a book called "moon dance" with a picture of two people dancing on it, i'm going to be expecting some dancing.

sorry if i'm coming off as kind of a dick. i've recently gone through the same struggles. my own cover image is not as great as it might be. my own blurb kind of blows. so just know that i'm not coming at you from any perceived position of superiority. i'm just trying to give you the same sort of feedback i'd want someone to give me.

good luck with this.

WildScribe · Jun 21, 2012

I occasionally browse through listings of self-published books and email the authors with the following proposal:

I will rewrite your blurb. If you like it, pay me, if not, keep your old one and no harm done.

You would probably get an email from me. Robert is right, your blurb seems incoherent and all over the place. I would need to see a full page summary to even decide how to DO that with this one, but that's what I see.

Robert is also right on with the image - the pose is okay, but their faces looked pained. (And I do love her hair.)

leahzero · Jun 21, 2012

I'll do a cover for you (for free) if you'd like. You'll just have to purchase a stock photo. I've got a thread on AW with design examples...PM me if you can't find it.

Anyway, if not--yeah, I'm gonna suggest going with a different photo. Something vaguer or more abstract. Let your readers fill in facial details.

stranger · Jun 22, 2012

Hi,

I agree with everyone else. Don't like the image too much and the blurb is too much detail and confusion.

I was searching for coverart recently and saw this site
http://www.dreamscapecovers.com/cover-art.html
I haven't worked with them but I remember thinking they'd be perfect for fantasy/romance. So maybe if you found a dancing figure in their premade covers it'd be better than buying the image above.

Katallina · Jun 22, 2012

Hey guys!

Thanks so much for the feedback. Nice to know I did the right thing getting opinions on the image -- that saved me some money.

As for the blurb? Wow. Really glad I had that looked at too. To me it makes sense because I know what happens, but the fact that it doesn't make sense to anyone else definitely tells me its broken. (A blurb isn't for me, it's for readers, correct?)

I'm also wondering whether I need to find a more permanent title? There *is* dancing in the book, and the dancing Sara does actually parallels the more adventurous side of the story. So I am reading up to where I am at in my edits to make sure I have all my ducks in a row and thinking about blurb, title and imagery while I take notes.

@ Rob: I'm totally not offended. I actually had pop come out my nose when you said the female model looked like she was on painkillers.

My friend Kate and I zoomed in and after reading that we decided we agree with you. I can PM you with the answers to the blurb stuff if you are interested -- not sure I want to explain it all since I am trying to make the thing explain itself. Seems the hands down vote is I'll need to take another swing at it, but that's okay.

I'm also taking your advice and setting up PayPal. It should make life easier and once I get use to it I'm sure it will be fine.

@ Wildscribe: Thanks so much for your feedback.

(And yes, it will be a shame to lose that lovely hair, although if I hire an artist I can link to that as reference I suppose?) As for your offer, I will definitely keep it in mind but I want to work at it a bit more since my release goal isn't til November / December.

@ Leahzero: Thanks so much for your generous offer. I found your thread and your designs are very nice. However, I am aiming at eBook and CreateSpace. I realize 95% of my sales will likely be via eBook, but getting the physical book done is something I'm primarily doing for me. (It may sound cheesy, but holding my own book in my hands is my dream.)

Also curious, (to all, but this was inspired by Leah) did it come across at, all outside of my telling you guys, that this is equal parts fantasy and romance? Or when I go back to the drawing board should I try to play that angle up a little more? (I noticed you said you don't do romance. I'm pretty sure you likely mean actual romance novel covers, but it still inspired what could be an important thought. Thanks again.)

@ Stranger: Whoa! I absolutely love that art. Thanks for the link.

I did a bunch of research on there and it looks like working with that cover artist would be within my budget. I'm going to get feedback from family and friends, but I'm definitely interested.

Thanks so much for the feedback so far.

If anyone else has thoughts, comments or suggestions I'd certainly love to hear them.

Have a great day!

oshun55 · Jun 23, 2012

Katallina - I'm pm'ing you with the info for the cover artist I'm working with.

merrihiatt · Jun 23, 2012

Deleted by Merri -- posted in wrong thread. Sorry.

merrihiatt · Jun 23, 2012

Late to the party. The couple doesn't look very happy, that's for sure (not that they have to look happy, but they look like they are in pain). Graceful pose, though.

Katallina · Jul 2, 2012

Cover and Blurb -- (new blurb attempt in Post #10)

Alright .... Round #2, fight! Let's try this blurb thing again...

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she will make his younger brother Kesyl fall in love with her so Zakariah can take his soul and possess his body. Zakariah wants to experience life on Earth for himself.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. After witnessing a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She'll Do Whatever It Takes To Live...

Zakariah is not the only one with plans for Kesyl. His own mother views him as an abomination and wants him dead. With meddling Gods scheming to push them apart, Sarena and Kesyl must forget the past if they want to have a future. Will they find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

Is this one any better then the last? I did my best to make sure that the two major situations going on -- finding out who is causing all of the trouble at the school (which ties into the stuff about Kess' mother) and Sarena deciding what she will do about Zakariah's task -- tied together though as much of the plot as possible. I also tried to make sure I gave the impression that there is a love story here, since that is a big part of the book as well. As always, thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm also thinking of changing the title of my book from Moon Dance to Of Sea and Sky. I'll talk about the reasons for the original name and my logic with the (potential) new one. Yet again, thoughts are welcome.

Kesyl is often referenced as the "Moon Prince" since his mother is the moon goddess Ruby. Sarena is a ballet dancer to the public but has been trained in a fighting style called blade dancing by one of the Immortals who traveled to Earth to befriend and protect her. (Kyden, for anyone who has read my stuff in SYW). That was my reasoning behind Moon Dance. It was always considered a temporary title -- it kinda just stuck.

Everyone in existance has an element according to the Gods in my story and the race who worships them that have joined humans on Earth after the destruction of their homeworld, Zynedia. The elements are divided between Earth, Fire, Air and Water. Of Sea and Sky comes from four things:

(1) Kesyl's element is water and Sarena's is air.

(2) Kesyl's element is water and Kyden (who is Sarena's other actual love interest) is of air.

(3) The sea and the sky are always touching -- nothing can ever separate them.

(4) Part of the story takes place as the characters travel the Sea to Sky Highway in British Columbia. It is here that Sarena, Kesyl and Kyden all reach certain conclusions about how they feel (the guys about her and her about them).

If I use this title, it will set a pattern for the other three books I plan to write for the series -- Of Rose and Thorn, of Smoke and Flame and Of Sunlight and Shadow. (These could potentially be improved further, but it is a thought.)

Anyway, thanks for taking another look.

Have a great day!

henry_krinkle · Jul 2, 2012

Katallina said:
Alright .... Round #2, fight! Let's try this blurb thing again...

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she will make his younger brother Kesyl fall in love with her so Zakariah can take his soul and possess his body. Zakariah wants to experience life on Earth for himself.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. After witnessing a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She'll Do Whatever It Takes To Live...

Zakariah is not the only one with plans for Kesyl. His own mother views him as an abomination and wants him dead. With meddling Gods scheming to push them apart, Sarena and Kesyl must forget the past if they want to have a future. Will they find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

Is this one any better then the last? I did my best to make sure that the two major situations going on -- finding out who is causing all of the trouble at the school (which ties into the stuff about Kess' mother) and Sarena deciding what she will do about Zakariah's task -- tied together though as much of the plot as possible. I also tried to make sure I gave the impression that there is a love story here, since that is a big part of the book as well. As always, thoughts and comments are welcome.

I'm also thinking of changing the title of my book from Moon Dance to Of Sea and Sky. I'll talk about the reasons for the original name and my logic with the (potential) new one. Yet again, thoughts are welcome.

Kesyl is often referenced as the "Moon Prince" since his mother is the moon goddess Ruby. Sarena is a ballet dancer to the public but has been trained in a fighting style called blade dancing by one of the Immortals who traveled to Earth to befriend and protect her. (Kyden, for anyone who has read my stuff in SYW). That was my reasoning behind Moon Dance. It was always considered a temporary title -- it kinda just stuck.

Everyone in existance has an element according to the Gods in my story and the race who worships them that have joined humans on Earth after the destruction of their homeworld, Zynedia. The elements are divided between Earth, Fire, Air and Water. Of Sea and Sky comes from four things:

(1) Kesyl's element is water and Sarena's is air.

(2) Kesyl's element is water and Kyden (who is Sarena's other actual love interest) is of air.

(3) The sea and the sky are always touching -- nothing can ever separate them.

(4) Part of the story takes place as the characters travel the Sea to Sky Highway in British Columbia. It is here that Sarena, Kesyl and Kyden all reach certain conclusions about how they feel (the guys about her and her about them).

If I use this title, it will set a pattern for the other three books I plan to write for the series -- Of Rose and Thorn, of Smoke and Flame and Of Sunlight and Shadow. (These could potentially be improved further, but it is a thought.)

Anyway, thanks for taking another look. Have a great day!

I don't get this part:
"If she wants to live, she will make his younger brother Kesyl fall in love with her so Zakariah can take his soul and possess his body. "

What do you mean? Why does Kesyl need to fall in love with her in order for Zakariah to take his soul and possess his body?

Katallina · Jul 2, 2012

Although that is what *happens*, you may actually have a valid point in its lack of necessity since I cover the love aspect in the next section.

"If she wants to live, she must convince his younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth."

Trying this again:

***

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she must convince his younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. After witnessing a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She'll Do Whatever It Takes To Live...

Zakariah is not the only one with plans for Kesyl. His own mother views him as an abomination and wants him dead. With meddling Gods scheming to push them apart, Sarena and Kesyl must forget the past if they want to have a future. Will they find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

Better? More things to fix? As always, thoughts and comments are welcome.

stranger · Jul 3, 2012

I like changing the name. I assumed there were werewolves in it with moon in the name. Of Sea and Sky seems a bit passive, maybe you could beef it up a bit by suggesting a collision of sea and sky or the sky falling into the sea.

For the blurb, you don't actually say she is brought back from the dead. (Did her burned body get healed or was she reborn as an infant or did she take on a new body?)

I don't like the line "She'll do whatever it takes to live", suggesting she'll do any kind of evil act to preserve her own life.

I didn't like the final paragraph (except the final two lines), it seems to complicate the blurb story without adding much. I think adding something about the elements, Sarena's powers or blade dancing or the love triangle might be better.

Katallina · Jul 3, 2012

I'm starting to have fun with this. Since I post these here I'll be able to grab whichever one I actually end up needing so it doesn't hurt to keep trying new things. Let's give this another go...

***

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire from smoke inhalation. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she must convince his younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. After witnessing a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She'll Take A Vow To Protect Him Always...

Even with two years training as a blade dancer, Sarena's promise will be anything but easy to keep. She's pretty sure it's a bad idea to tick off the Lord of Judgement -- and Zakariah's far from from her only problem. Will Sarena and Kesyl find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

I was a little iffy on the heading for that last paragraph myself. Thank you for bringing that up. It's really hard to get everything onto the back of this (and from what I've been told that's not even the goal?), but at the same time I know I need to get enough on here that what is written matches what is inside the book. It would be too easy to end up presenting something for a totally other story if I pick the wrong things to highlight.

And yes, I had quite a few people asking where the Werewolves were with my original title. *laughs* Hmm... Although I do like Of Sea and Sky it is likely that you're right in saying it won't evoke anything in a reader scrolling a list. (Dammit. *head-desk*)

Another route that I thought the titles could take was referencing the Sealer thing, since that is what is ultimately going to happen to Sarena -- she joins Zakariah (Judgement) and Kesyl (Justice), becoming the third judge (Mercy). If I went this route the titles could go something like "Sealer's Promise", "Sealer's Quest", "Sealer's Wish" and "Sealer's Judgement". (Note that the last three titles could obviously be changed.)

Yet again, probably too generic. (Why did it not occur to me that choosing a title would be hard? D'oh...) *laughs*

Anyway, thanks for the help.

stranger · Jul 4, 2012

This time I don't think the third title flows from the other ones. I'd try for a title that incorporates death from title 1 and love from title 2. Something like: "What if she has to chose between her life and her love?"

I think Sealer's Promise works. It's quite generic, as you said, but it does indicate the genre well, it seems both obvious yet unique, it's reasonably memorable and, as you showed, sets up the titles of the sequels.

I'd change the phrase "ticked off". Doesn't quite have the gravitas required when talking about having the Lord of the Underworld wanting to kill you.

Katallina · Jul 4, 2012

How about this...

***

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire from smoke inhalation. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she must convince his younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. When she witnesses a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She'll Make A Choice Between Love and Life...

After taking a Guardian's Vow and becoming Kesyl's Protector, Zakariah is far from Sarena's only problem. Even with two years training as a Blade Dancer and knowledge of Sealing magic, her promise won't be easy to keep. Will Sarena and Kesyl find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

I like that new line better. What do you guys think, though?

Hmm... I like the title Sealer's Promise. My boyfriend hates it. *laughs* He loves Of Sea and Sky.

stranger · Jul 4, 2012

Two points. For the third title, for some reason I want you to say "She needs to make" rather than she will make. Not sure why, just seems more compelling to my ear.

First line of the description, the first part of the phrase is applied to the subject of the second part (Zakariah) so you need to tweek it to say what you want to.

Katallina · Jul 4, 2012

Would "She *MUST* make a choice between love and life..." work. Must seems stronger then needs to, and space is going to become an issue if these tags get to lengthy. Let's see if I get what you're saying about the second part. Let me know:

***

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire from smoke inhalation. In the Underworld she learns from Zakariah, the Lord of Judgement, that her death was no accident. He has chosen her for a mission. If Sara wants to live, she must convince Zakariah's younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. When she witnesses a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She Must Make A Choice Between Love and Life...

After taking a Guardian's Vow and becoming Kesyl's Protector, Zakariah is far from Sarena's only problem. Even with two years training as a Blade Dancer and knowledge of Sealing magic, her promise won't be easy to keep. Will Sarena and Kesyl find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

Did I change the part you had in mind? I wasn't totally sure if this was what you meant, but no harm done either way. Thanks again for all the help.

robertbevan · Jul 4, 2012

Katallina said:
Would "She *MUST* make a choice between love and life..." work. Must seems stronger then needs to, and space is going to become an issue if these tags get to lengthy. Let's see if I get what you're saying about the second part. Let me know:

***

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire from smoke inhalation. In the Underworld she learns from Zakariah, the Lord of Judgement, that her death was no accident. He has chosen her for a mission. If Sara wants to live, she must convince Zakariah's younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. When she witnesses a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She Must Make A Choice Between Love and Life...

After taking a Guardian's Vow and becoming Kesyl's Protector, Zakariah is far from Sarena's only problem. Even with two years training as a Blade Dancer and knowledge of Sealing magic, her promise won't be easy to keep. Will Sarena and Kesyl find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

Did I change the part you had in mind? I wasn't totally sure if this was what you meant, but no harm done either way. Thanks again for all the help.

this is my first time looking at this thread since my comment way back when. and i deliberately didn't read anything from there to here.

reading this, i think it's a lot less confused than the version i commented on. i can see how everyone you've mentioned here is connected, and there's a mention of dancing... blade dancing, in fact, which makes it sound a lot more badass than moon dancing.

more importantly, i have a sense of the main character's problem and what's at stake.

so, being someone who sucks at blurbs, i won't presume to tell you that this is a winner. but i at least have the confidence to say that you're certainly moving in the right direction.

stranger · Jul 5, 2012

Katallina said:
She Must Make A Choice Between Love and Life...

Much better. Though now I'll thinking you can reduce from "make a choice" to "choose".

Katallina said:
After taking a Guardian's Vow and becoming Kesyl's Protector, Zakariah is far from Sarena's only problem.

My problem is with this line structure. I assume that Sarena took the vow and became the protector, but the line implies that Zakariah does as he is the subject of the sentence.

Katallina · Jul 5, 2012

Oh, thanks.

I'll switch the other stuff back that I swapped, then. And yes, I agree with you. Let's see...

***

Sarena Knows What It's Like To Die...

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died in a fire from smoke inhalation. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she must convince his younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth.

She's Learning What It Means To Love...

For two years, Sarena has managed to avoid completing Zakariah's task. Now, that may be impossible. When she witnesses a murder at Sterling High, getting help from Kesyl may be the only way Sarena can protect her friends. As they work together Sarena finds herself falling for the guy whose life she promised to help destroy.

She Must Choose Between Love and Life...

After taking a Guardian's Vow and becoming Kesyl's Protector, Sarena learns Zakariah is not the only problem she will face. Even with two years training as a Blade Dancer and knowledge of Sealing magic, her promise won't be easy to keep. Will Sarena and Kesyl find a way to survive? Or will love of him be the death of her ... forever?

***

This is starting to remind me of coding a web page. *laughs* There is always that one little thing that wants to be out of place and it takes several attempts to get it *exactly* the way you want it. On the plus side, though, this blurb seems to have come a long way and I am more happy with it each time I tweak it. Of course, the scary part is going to be doing *this* to an entire novel. I'm not -quite- there yet but that round of edits will arrive soon enough. Anyway, thanks again for the help.

stranger · Jul 5, 2012

I like this version a lot. Great work.

Rob Lopez · Jul 5, 2012

Late to this party.

Second revision is an improvement on the first, but from there on it seems to get excessively wordy as more detail is squeezed in.

Does the reader need to know how Sarena died? Clearly it's the why that's more important, and the linchpin of the story.

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died ~~in a fire from smoke inhalation~~. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she must convince his younger brother Kesyl to use his power as a Sealer to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld. Then Zakariah can take his soul, possess his body, and finally experience life on Earth.

Second and third paragraph bogs me down after that. Second paragraph very passive - sucks the life out of the blurb. Third paragraph trips over esoteric terms - Guardian's Vow; Kesyl's Protector; Blade Dancer; Sealing magic - which bog it down some more.

The first paragraph shows that it's a fantasy - this doesn't need to be overdone by the third paragraph.
Does the romance play as big a part as the fantasy in this story? If it does, then the second paragraph should just be romance. The emotions, plus a hint of the modern setting. The three separate headings (which don't work for me - I just skipped them) could be strung together or incorporated into the second paragraph.

Like maybe:

At fifteen, Sarena Lengton died. Her soul journeyed to the Underworld and she learned her death was no accident. Zakariah, Lord of Judgement, has chosen her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, she must convince his younger brother Kesyl to open a portal between Earth and the Underworld so that Zakariah can take his soul.

Back at High School however Sarena finds herself falling for Kesyl, and further complications start to take a deadly and sinister turn. Sarena knows what it means to die. Now she's learning what it means to love.

As the pressure mounts Sarena faces a dilemma. Can she keep her life and her love? Or will they be torn from her forever?

Not having read your work, this may not make sense, I don't know. I also don't know the genre conventions that may govern the structure of your blurb.

I think shorter is better though - tease the reader with the info that they will find explained further in the book, rather than the blurb.

But that's just my take. I'm not good at this critiquing stuff and I'm a bit uncomfortable with the audacity needed to actually criticise someone's work. It's a new one for me and I don't know whether I've gone too far. Ignore it if I have.

Katallina · Jul 5, 2012

@ Stranger: It's definitely a very viable option and I definitely do like it.

@ Rob: But I'm game. Let's try to see what we can do with this. (I looked at a bunch of YA novels -- since that's my genre -- and while I am right to have *one* tagline I don't necessarily need three even if I do like them. So, let's give this a shot.

***

Some promises are meant to be broken.

Sarena Lengton knows what it's like to die. Two years ago her soul journeyed to the Underworld and Zakariah, the Lord of Judgement, chose her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, Sarena must convince Zakariah's younger brother Kesyl to use his powers as a Sealer to open a portal to the Underworld. Then Zakariah can absorb his soul and experience life on Earth.

Now seventeen, Sarena has managed avoid completing Zakariah's task. But when she witnesses a murder at Sterling High where nothing but a skeleton is left behind, Sarena knows she will need Kesyl's help to catch the killer. As they work together, she finds herself falling for the boy she promised to help destroy.

Sarena doesn't want to know what Zakariah will do to her if she defies him. But if she fulfills her end of their agreement, Kesyl will lose his soul. Can Sarena keep her life and her love? Or will both be torn from her forever?

***

Thoughts, comments, suggestions? Which version -- this one or the last one -- do you guys like better?

stranger · Jul 6, 2012

They are pretty similar, but I prefer the second.

The promise in the tagline isn't clear. So I'd reduce
"Zakariah, the Lord of Judgement, chose her for a sinister mission. If she wants to live, Sarena must convince "
to
"Zakariah, the Lord of Judgement made her promise to convince "

Cover and Blurb Advice? (New blurb attempt: post #26)

Katallina

robertbevan

practical experience, FTW

WildScribe

Slave to the Wordcount

leahzero

The colors! THE COLORS!

stranger

practical experience, FTW

Katallina

oshun55

merrihiatt

Writing! Writing! Writing!

merrihiatt

Writing! Writing! Writing!

Katallina

henry_krinkle

Katallina

stranger

practical experience, FTW

Katallina

stranger

practical experience, FTW

Katallina

stranger

practical experience, FTW

Katallina

robertbevan

practical experience, FTW

stranger

practical experience, FTW

Katallina

stranger

practical experience, FTW

Rob Lopez

New Skin; Learning About Thick Fish

Katallina

stranger

practical experience, FTW