View Full Version : YA High Fantasy Novel - Along the lines of Tamora Pierce (First 500 Words)

04-25-2012, 05:30 AM
Hello all,

I'm looking for a critique partner / beta reader. If you like my story please get in touch! I would love to swap critiques with another YA high fantasy writer. The story is told from the viewpoint of five young individuals. Thank you for reading and any insight that follows!

WIP, Current: 20K, Goal: 55K
Looking to trade chapters or get a responsive beta reader for the manuscript - plot line, characters, grammar

Sophia Kane
@algaris, algardisbooks (at) gmail



The sands were bright and the wind brisk as she walked along the beach kicking tufts of sand up in her wake.

The man who stormed across the sands was not happy to see her. In past such beautiful days he had tossed her up in his arms, her screams of delight ringing through the air.

Today was not such a day.

“Father…” she said when he reached her.

“Allorna” he replied holding up a hand. “It breaks my soul but the prince is quite clear…you are not to guard him or his amlah.”

“I have a good idea what you did” he continued through gritted teeth as they walked side by side in the morning sun.

“But Father!” she protested “The prince is not worthy of our protection – he’s an insolent, self-important whale…with no care for his people or the gardis”.

The knowledge and fire of youth inspired her words.

“He is our prince, son of the Emperor and your future ruler”, her father shouted. “You have maligned the name of gardis, one which our family holds dear”.

“From here on out you will serve as a true conscript should”, the Commander of the Guard continued. “You will be assigned city cases in the morning…do well Allorna – I will not be able to protect you from here on”.

As her father walked off, Allorna slumped in the sand with her face to her knees and her breeches in the dirt. She wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry or shout her anger to the skies.

For a thousand years the royal family had ruled through peaceful and turbulent times. Yet she had been assigned to the one future ruler who was absent in care or fidelity for his position...in other words a complete idiot.

She sat for a few minutes, rose and dusted off her breeches and gathered her dignity. If she was to be a common watchwoman, fine, at least she no longer had to deal with the insolence of the Prince and his amlah.

Heaven protect whoever did.


He tossed and turned – wringing his sheets and soaking the bed with night terrors.

The terrors were familiar to him.

The laughter and warmth of the day lingered in his dreams.

He ran through fields of green vines, twining around sticks in the ground. It was late spring – pruning season for his mother’s gardens. The scent of plants was heavy in the air and the sun’s rays shown down with unrelenting force.

He ran for the bursts of sunlight that danced like spotlights through the twining irrigation canopy overheard. Basking in the splashes of sun, as any true Sahalian knew, was the best part of spring and summer.

If felt like heaven to have the rays of heat and warmth on his skin. He would literally get too hot to touch if he stayed in one sunspot for very long.