Fiddle dee dee! Furshlugginer fustilarian!
(Are you drunk right now?)
I would also fully support the invention of a less dorky word for those who abstain from drinking. Like "bitchsnorter". Like ripsnorter, but you're a bitch 'cause you don't drink and are messing up everyone else's good time. I took on that role a lot during college, before I gave up and became a wandering hermit. (Although, I guess people might misinterpret that as "person who snorts lines of cocaine off of a bitch's abdomen" or "people who grind up bitches and snort them" but I think that might be half the fun.)
"Ascetic" would almost work in my case if I didn't eat so much goddamn cake. And had a religion. Or something.