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JeffRen
04-11-2012, 05:40 AM
Because us writers are observant, I'd like to create a list of some of the funniest, stupidest, most illuminating or ridiculous things we overhear during our daily routines - whether it be from a fellow passenger on the daily commute, or a burnt-out college professor, a child...

Today, while walking around, I heard a grown man say, "Robert Pattinson is super awkward, y'all."

It wasn't inspirational, but I got a good laugh.

Snowstorm
04-11-2012, 05:46 AM
Overheard at a writing conference:

"If my husband dies before me, I'm getting a cat door."

CheshireGrin
04-11-2012, 06:18 AM
Okay, you asked for it :) I work in a grocery store and was stocking the shelves when a woman approaches me (50 - 60 yrs old) and asks if a particular candy bar has nuts. I reply yes...and in doing so opened a doorway.
"I can't eat nuts. I have a pocket in my rectum and sometimes, (she lowers her voice) I have to dig them out. So I stay away from them."
I was like....WOW! I could only nod because my vocal cords had frozen up in absolute horror. People will tell me the weirdest things and sometimes I wonder if working in a grocery store marks me as some secret keeper. I still get the chills from it! So, top that, LOL! This is a great thread, thanks for starting it.

JeffRen
04-11-2012, 06:32 AM
Haha, thanks for your contribution. We should also thank your honest patron for inventing chocolate-covered nuts.

lolchemist
04-11-2012, 07:26 AM
Okay, you asked for it :) I work in a grocery store and was stocking the shelves when a woman approaches me (50 - 60 yrs old) and asks if a particular candy bar has nuts. I reply yes...and in doing so opened a doorway.
"I can't eat nuts. I have a pocket in my rectum and sometimes, (she lowers her voice) I have to dig them out. So I stay away from them."
I was like....WOW! I could only nod because my vocal cords had frozen up in absolute horror. People will tell me the weirdest things and sometimes I wonder if working in a grocery store marks me as some secret keeper. I still get the chills from it! So, top that, LOL! This is a great thread, thanks for starting it.

AGHHH! I think I've met this customer too! I also used to work at a grocery store back in college and in my first week, this little old lady comes up to me and asks me about toilet paper and proceeds to inform me how certain brands of toilet paper tends to stick to her vagina. I was just standing there freaking out like "OMG They didn't train me to answer these kinds of questions at orientation! Should I call a manager??" By the time my stint at the grocery store ended I was picking up used tampons and shit filled diapers off the restroom floor like a pro! Ah lost innocence...

jjdebenedictis
04-11-2012, 07:42 AM
Nobody will be able to top the Hot-Pocket-Rectum Lady. Nobody.

I don't know if this is funny or not, but I had trouble not laughing.

A man and a bus driver were basically agreeing with one another about what lousy drivers people are. The whole conversation was a case of "Most people shouldn't be allowed licences" and "Half of these (indicating the cars outside the bus window) are just menaces behind the wheel" and "There're too many stupid people in the world to let everybody drive."

Then, not ten minutes later, they're having a conversation about how there should be no gun control whatsoever.

And I kept thinking, "So the ocean of menacing idiots aren't competent to drive cars, but you think they'd be okay with guns...?"

Filigree
04-11-2012, 07:46 AM
I used to work retail in an art supply story, in an area where about 70% of the clients were retiree hobbyists. The things I heard and saw...yikes. My faves were the old married couples who thought nothing of having a good old fashioned argument up and down the aisles. Often *extremely* personal.

dangerousbill
04-11-2012, 09:04 AM
"I can't eat nuts. I have a pocket in my rectum and sometimes, (she lowers her voice) I have to dig them out. So I stay away from them."


Most of us use soda spoons.

C'mon--a trip through the dishwasher and they're fine.

Libbie
04-11-2012, 09:49 AM
I am currently working at a 24-hour emergency vet hospital, so you can imagine the things we see and hear at work.

Two recent calls:

Caller: My cat just scratched my neighbor who is HIV positive! Is my cat going to get AIDS?

And another:

Lady on phone: (Crying) Something is really wrong with my dog. I'm on my way to your hospital now.

Co-worker: Okay. What happened to your dog?

LOP: (Sobbing) I shouldn't have let him do it! I didn't know any better! I should have stopped him!

CW: Stopped him from what? What happened? I need to know so we can be prepared when you get here.

LOP: He was humping a teddy bear, and now his THING looks like it's bloody and maybe broken. It's bent and swollen.

CW: Don't panic. It sounds like it might be a normal dog erection, but bring him in anyway just in case anything is wrong. Then we can get him some help.

LOP: It looks all scary and wrong! Something's not right. OH my god, I shouldn't have let him do it!

CW: Okay, focus on driving and we'll see you when you get here.

CW to me: So...what should I put on this note about the lady who's coming in with the teddy-bear humper?

Me: Uh..."Worrisome erection?"

Later, the same lady called to tell us that her dog's worrisome erection had resolved itself. We reassured her that it was a normal dog boner and that she had done nothing wrong in letting him hump the teddy bear.

Good times, good times.

buz
04-11-2012, 11:38 PM
"My underwear is ripped at the crotch, so I just pee right through..."
"I've basically stopped wearing underwear for that exact reason." <--female students at a high school where I was cleaning

"Anubis is like Satan." <--people in Egyptian museum

"I will punch you in the vagina." <--small child, to mother/possible nanny or something

But, in all seriousness:

"Jesus forgives Osama bin Laden, doesn't he?" <--small child, to mother

Phaeal
04-11-2012, 11:51 PM
CW to me: So...what should I put on this note about the lady who's coming in with the teddy-bear humper?

Me: Uh..."Worrisome erection?"

Later, the same lady called to tell us that her dog's worrisome erection had resolved itself. We reassured her that it was a normal dog boner and that she had done nothing wrong in letting him hump the teddy bear.

Um, so this friend of mine, really just a distant acquaintance, I hardly know him at all, would like to inquire about the safety of teddy bear humping for, um, you know, Homo sapiens males. Well, Homo semi-sapiens, at least.

My own nonprofessional impression is that it would entirely depend upon the stuffing material and whether any pointy or sharp bits got mixed in during the manufacturing process. Also, to drunkenly mistake a bear cub for a teddy could be extremely hazardous to one's health.

Justin SR
04-12-2012, 04:24 AM
I heard Chuck Palahniuk talk about this same thing during a sign and read event a few years ago. One of the funny stories he told was of him peeing in an airport bathroom and a guy in the urinal next to him looking down while he was peeing and saying things like, "I love you, princess." He thought the guy called his penis princess, but it turned out he had a bluetooth phone and was talking to his daughter.

thothguard51
04-12-2012, 04:55 AM
Worked as a project superintendent for many years and heard a lot of things.

Once I came upon a group of carpenters sitting on a stack of drywall having lunch. This young kid from West Virginia, (a laborer), was complaining that no one would let him work with his tool pouch. He said his father told him carpentry ran in his blood. His father was a carpenter. His grandfather was a carpenter and by god, he was carpenter. I told him to go back and tell his father he was anemic. The guy did not know what that meant...

This was the same guy who was discussing race once and he asked me what race I thought he was. I told him homosapien and he said, "We don't do that gay stuff up in the hills. That's a big city problem."

Susan Littlefield
04-12-2012, 05:52 AM
Years ago, I worked in a hospital. An elderly patient was being very nasty while I was in her room helping her one day.

I said, "You know, you're hurting my feelings with those awful things you are saying."

She said, "Well, honey, you shouldn't have had your feelers out there."

Moments later, we were both laughing.

Phaeal
04-12-2012, 05:36 PM
This was the same guy who was discussing race once and he asked me what race I thought he was. I told him homosapien and he said, "We don't do that gay stuff up in the hills. That's a big city problem."

*cough* Deliverance *cough*

JimmyB27
04-12-2012, 06:17 PM
Most of us use soda spoons.

C'mon--a trip through the dishwasher and they're fine.
Isn't soda the name you 'Murricans use for fizzy pop? What would you need a spoon for that for?


...she had done nothing wrong in letting him hump the teddy bear.
Tell that to the poor teddy bear!

leon66a
04-12-2012, 07:47 PM
Isn't soda the name you 'Murricans use for fizzy pop? What would you need a spoon for that for?


Tell that to the poor teddy bear!

A lot of people call Coca-cola and what-not soda. I believe soda spoon refers to a teaspoon with about a six-inch handle. Probably comes from when it was used for an ice cream soda from the Soda Shop.

dangerousbill
04-12-2012, 08:28 PM
Isn't soda the name you 'Murricans use for fizzy pop? What would you need a spoon for that for?
Tell that to the poor teddy bear!

An actual soda is a thick mix of flavor, milk and ice cream, whipped up using an electric mixer. It's sometimes served with a long thin spoon which also happens to be just the right caliber for cleaning out impacted feces. (So I'm told.)

Fizzy pop goes by a bunch of regional names in the US: soda, pop, soda pop, carbonated beverage, coke (when used as a generic for any kind of soda).

dangerousbill
04-12-2012, 08:30 PM
.. she had done nothing wrong in letting him hump the teddy bear.


As long as they don't get married.

jaksen
04-12-2012, 08:46 PM
Fizzy pop goes by a bunch of regional names in the US: soda, pop, soda pop, carbonated beverage, coke (when used as a generic for any kind of soda).

Tonic.

That's what a lot of older folks call it in New England, but the name is dying out. It's because that's what some sodas were originally for - a health tonic.

Manuel Royal
04-12-2012, 09:21 PM
I was in a store when a little girl stomped past. Maybe seven. Froofy dress with lace, purse and matching shoes. She had her arms folded, a look of restrained, black fury on her face, and she was stomping rather than walking. Behind her was her dad.

Dad: Have I said "no" too many times today?

Girl: Yes!

Dad: Well, maybe we can find something for me to say "yes" about.

For some reason this stuck with me. The father looked like he'd weathered this particular storm enough times that he was more amused than anything else.

archerjoe
04-12-2012, 10:24 PM
In a small grocery store nearby, I heard one of the employees complaining to another employee. He said when he was working behind the counter taking an order for a lady customer, one of the other employees crawled in from the back room on his hands and knees, out of sight of the customer, farted really loudly and crawled out again.

Faide
04-12-2012, 11:10 PM
Thanks for the giggles, guys.

Heard this one from some girls who walked past me on the train: "And that's how you get fragile teeth."

And this one's from one of the youngster riding lessons the other day (my family runs a riding school); basically, a seven-year-old girl had let her five-year-old sister help her groom the Shetland pony she was going to ride, and told the sister all the wonderful stuff she'd learned about horses. The one I remember, though, is this: "The horse lives longer than the foal, you know."

jjdebenedictis
04-13-2012, 07:11 AM
In a small grocery store nearby, I heard one of the employees complaining to another employee. He said when he was working behind the counter taking an order for a lady customer, one of the other employees crawled in from the back room on his hands and knees, out of sight of the customer, farted really loudly and crawled out again.Okay, that was a real LOL, not just an internet LOL where you smile slightly and then type "LOL".

In fact, I may have snorted a bit. Thank goodness I wasn't drinking anything.

JeffRen
04-13-2012, 07:16 AM
I agree. There's just something about flatulence...

Tex_Maam
04-13-2012, 08:58 AM
Got to out myself on this one.

So I teach night classes for high school students, and tonight we were talking about using the test's answer choices to avoid having to work the whole problem.

And what my brain intended to say was "So you just eyeball it with your answers," and what my mouth actually said was, "So you just eye it with your balls."

On the plus side, if I do get fired, I'll have a lot more time to work on my book.

blacbird
04-13-2012, 10:55 AM
Some years ago, sitting with a couple of friends at a bar in the town where I went to grad school, an argument developed among a quartet of younger people, current students I suspect, in the adjacent booth. We ignored it as best we could, but after a few minutes one woman stood up and announced to the other three:

"I am not here to listen to your accolades about my reality."

And stalked out of the place.

I wrote that one down in a notebook I still have.

caw

Wordwrestler
04-13-2012, 12:21 PM
In a small grocery store nearby, I heard one of the employees complaining to another employee. He said when he was working behind the counter taking an order for a lady customer, one of the other employees crawled in from the back room on his hands and knees, out of sight of the customer, farted really loudly and crawled out again.

My husband worked in a large chain grocery store for 13 years. The employees did this to each other ALL THE TIME. Apparently it's an industry-wide epidemic! They also locked each other in the cooler, wore someone else's name tag while being rude to mystery shoppers, etc.

LittleKiwi
04-14-2012, 12:56 AM
Oh man, this thread made me giggle...

I remember laughing at some of the rubbish I've heard over the years, but I can't recall exactly what was said... Most of the stuff I can remember is either incredibly stupid 'come ons' from clueless guys or dirty things drunk guys say both working in nightclubs...

maybegenius
04-14-2012, 02:54 AM
A friend was telling me a story about how, as a young Catholic high school student, she and her friend were in charge of the Communion wine and wafers. The priest came in, blessed them. Service was really minimal that day. Afterward, her friend insisted that they stay and finish all the blessed Communion wine and wafers. She was a little iffy about having too much wine, so her friend responded:

"YOU CAN'T JUST WASTE JESUS."

100% serious. Not as a joke.

archerjoe
07-16-2012, 05:10 AM
Yesterday, with the kids at the public pool, I took a break and sat in the lounge chairs. There was group of 3 or 4 ladies next to me, all reading books. They started talking about books they liked. One was mad because she had been in Target and seen what appeared to be a new 50 Shades... book, one she didn't recognize. She told her friends as far as she was concerned, any new 50 Shades... book was an automatic buy. When she got home and looked at the book, it was 50 Shades of Green, a guide to recycling, reusing, etc.

"How can they get away with that? That's deceptive and I'm mad about it. I was fooled into buying something I didn't even want."

justbishop
07-16-2012, 05:20 AM
I've LOL'd several times reading this thread. Thanks guys!

Mine isn't as funny as it is an observance in idiocy. Was walking through Toys R Us last year and saw a woman loudly and angrily her small son (maybe 5 years old) that if he didn't stop "acting ugly", she was going to "beat his butt". Oh, irony...

C. K. Casner
07-16-2012, 07:08 AM
Everyone knows how nasty teenagers are when they discover sex/porn.

I was in the check out line at the grocery store and the teenage cashier was being hit on by the bag boy. He told her to put a certain part of his anatomy in her mouth. (In front of a CUSTOMER!)

Her response was: "I don't put small objects in my mouth; they're a choking hazard."

I was laughing so hard, I nearly wet my pants. That's one of the best put-downs I have heard in years.

WildScribe
07-16-2012, 07:42 AM
Best thread ever!

I hear stuff all the time, but not much is coming to mind. Although I had my kid at the park the other day while a couple of other moms were there. Their kids were regular terrors, badly behaved, going INSANE while the moms cursed at each other and talked about how amazing 50 Shades was. When one of the toddlers started basically tap dancing in a puddle, I finally gave up and pointed it out. The woman replied, "Oh, he's not my kid, I'm just watching him." (She later chased him into the street for some other bit of misbehavior, which just made me sick to watch. We left.)

Brightdreamer
07-16-2012, 09:46 AM
Got a few...

Years ago, when I worked as a shelf-stocker in a grocery store, a woman walked up and started asking me about head lice. I guess because I was roughly near the pharmacy I looked like I must be an expert; must've spent five to ten minutes as she asked me about head lice, worried whether she had head lice, and wondered what to do about head lice if she had it. I finally managed to steer her to the pharmacist. (Never did find out if she actually had head lice or not, though... one of those subplots in my life that will never be resolved.)

A while back, our family was in a park near a large bronze statue depicting a logger and his ox team, larger than life. While we're standing there, a guy walks up and starts complaining about how they always make statues of bulls instead of steers - you can't work with bulls, damn it, but everyone wants bulls! The guy's father, evidently, had been a woodcarver, and customers always insisted on anatomically correct male animals, even when said anatomy would invalidate the authenticity - as in the bull/steer conundrum. We must have somehow looked interested, because he kept going on and on and on about it. Standing in a park on a sunny day, listening to a man rage about bronze bull testicles... ah, memories...

And then there was the slow day at my current job, working the Saturday shift. The Saturday shift's always been a little... odd. Anyway, I overheard one of the older ladies talking about self-defense and firearms. She declared that, if she ever shot an intruder, she'd want them to suffer before they died - none of this "drop them in one shot" bull. Make 'em bleed, put the fear of God into them. After all, they broke into your place, not the other way around. (There's a reason I don't work the Saturday shift unless I really, really need the hours...)

I know there are more, but those are the ones that linger.

Shakesbear
07-16-2012, 11:15 AM
Coming home after attending a course in London I was on the commuter train. I had a generous boss so was in first class, with lots of business men. Most of them were working or talking on quietly on their mobiles, except one. He had a really loud voice and was a pest. His phone rang and he answered it and the whole carriage heard his half of the conversation, "Yes darling it was wonderful . . . you made some amazing food . . . yes it was . . . I can't wait til we are together again . . . yes darling ... OoooOoo yes" He said good bye and blew kisses at her. A few minutes later his phone rang again. "O it's you. Yes it was OK. The train is on time. Kids OK? See you then."

A friend had a part-time job at Marks and Spencer. One day a woman asked her where the legless tights were.

Emily Winslow
07-16-2012, 12:12 PM
An overheard breakup live-tweeted from a moving train. Hilarious:

http://storify.com/JaneyGodley/the-full-story-and-conclusion-of-tim-and-freya-tra

Mr Flibble
07-16-2012, 12:59 PM
The very best (or worst, really, depending on your POV) thing ever overheard is not something I can share in a family forum.

Suffice it to say, the look on Momento Mori's face when I told her about it was worth millions.

*snicker*

Wisteria Vine
07-16-2012, 04:30 PM
Walking across campus one day behind two female students:

Student 1: He was a total jerk, all he wanted the whole time was for me to suck his dick.
Student 2: OMG! Seriously? You didn't do it, right?
Student 1: Well, I didn't *want* to suck his dick...
Student 2: DID you?
Student 1: Well, yeah. But then I left right after that.


Me: HORRIFIED!

justbishop
07-16-2012, 04:50 PM
Walking across campus one day behind two female students:

Student 1: He was a total jerk, all he wanted the whole time was for me to suck his dick.
Student 2: OMG! Seriously? You didn't do it, right?
Student 1: Well, I didn't *want* to suck his dick...
Student 2: DID you?
Student 1: Well, yeah. But then I left right after that.


Me: HORRIFIED!

This reminds me of one from my days of working as an "entertainer". I only worked in the nicer clubs, and never did anything illegal (I was JUST a dancer. Period), but went to one of the seedier dive places in town once to try to win some quick cash in an amateur contest. As I was balancing myself trying not to let my bare foot come into contact with the floor of their dressing/locker room, I overheard one of the dancers that actually worked there telling another how she'd just given a customer a BJ in the VIP room. Apparently, he'd offered $25, but she demanded $50 (and gotten it, I assumed from the way she told the story).

I stopped dead right there and started changing back into my street clothes to leave. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. "Horrified" is definitely the word to describe me in that moment.

NeuroFizz
07-16-2012, 05:02 PM
Everyone knows how nasty teenagers are when they discover sex/porn.

I was in the check out line at the grocery store and the teenage cashier was being hit on by the bag boy. He told her to put a certain part of his anatomy in her mouth. (In front of a CUSTOMER!)

Her response was: "I don't put small objects in my mouth; they're a choking hazard."

I was laughing so hard, I nearly wet my pants. That's one of the best put-downs I have heard in years.

Or the two variations:

"Looks like a peni$, only smaller."

During the initial stages of intimacy - "Is it in yet?"

Raventongue
07-16-2012, 05:38 PM
Darn, I wish I could remember more of the things I've heard.

When I belonged to a leftist collective in high school, I walked into the classroom we held our meetings in once right as a good friend of mine uttered the phrase, "If rape is surprise sex, then murder is surprise euthanasia!"

C. K. Casner
07-17-2012, 12:45 AM
I always told my friends I could do stand up about my kids.

Some of the most memorable:

Daughter age 11: "Dad, is it hard to screw in a nail?"

Daughter age 5 in hobby store: " Oooo, Mama look! Blue balls! I've always wanted blue balls!"

Son age 4 in resturant. "Lookee, I got crabs!"

Son age 9 pissed off at sister. "Hey Mom, d'ya know what this is? * blows in empty pop bottle * Its Sissy skydiving!"

Gotta love 'em. They keep me young.

Dave Hardy
07-17-2012, 01:28 AM
An overheard breakup live-tweeted from a moving train. Hilarious:

http://storify.com/JaneyGodley/the-full-story-and-conclusion-of-tim-and-freya-tra

Wow, there's someone to follow on Twitter. :D

ironmikezero
07-17-2012, 01:35 AM
Overheard in a Walmart aisle...

A stout woman taking furious issue with something her adolescent son had done or said while she had been talking to a brace of "church ladies" she'd encountered moments before...

"How dare you embarrass me like that - you little son of a bitch!"

"Yes ma'am - that's what I am."

lorna_w
07-17-2012, 01:41 AM
Pumping my own gas, two guys in overalls talking next to me. One says, "You know him, he hangs out with Mark." (other guy shakes his head.) "He's one of them--whatdya...? Not Hawai'ian. Samoyeds." And he was so pleased he'd remembered the "right" term.

A friend of a friend of a friend was allegedly downright brilliant at hearing cliches wrong. The friend had a whole list of them but the only one I remember was "His boss really raped him over the coals." Which is way worse than the original

aliceshortcake
07-17-2012, 05:44 PM
Overheard during the interval at a performance of The Valkyrie: "I like the Ring Cycle because it's got a good story to it. It's a daft story, but at least they don't sing everything five times like they do in Handel."

Overheard on a bus:
"My mum married the first man she had sex with and I married the first man I had sex with."
"I didn't marry the first man I had sex with. I couldn't, he was my brother."