Can't Sleep, Clown'll Eat Me.

Tex_Maam · Apr 6, 2012

You know, the longer I work at this, what scares me most isn't the idea that I'll never get there - I'm plenty smart enough, can change what needs changing, and will pretty much keep at this 'til I'm published or dead - but that I'll get there, get an agent and a publisher and a book deal and a release date, and it just *won't matter.* The thing I've emptied my veins into for years on end will be met with a collective yawn, and I will have become a Known (Mediocre) Quantity. Gives me the sweats just thinking about it.

So I thought I would ask: what gut-churningly awful what-ifs keep YOU staring up at a darkened ceiling? Has anybody firm and finally shook off the jitters, or do you pretty much sign a lifetime contract with the monster under the bed when you take up the writing lifestyle?

thebloodfiend · Apr 7, 2012

That I'll die before I get published. That's pretty much it. And it's not the "it'll take seventy years for me to get an agent" fear, but the "I might die tomorrow and my novel won't even be finished" fear.

gothicangel · Apr 7, 2012

Tex_Maam said:
You know, the longer I work at this, what scares me most isn't the idea that I'll never get there - I'm plenty smart enough, can change what needs changing, and will pretty much keep at this 'til I'm published or dead - but that I'll get there, get an agent and a publisher and a book deal and a release date, and it just *won't matter.* The thing I've emptied my veins into for years on end will be met with a collective yawn, and I will have become a Known (Mediocre) Quantity. Gives me the sweats just thinking about it.

So I thought I would ask: what gut-churningly awful what-ifs keep YOU staring up at a darkened ceiling? Has anybody firm and finally shook off the jitters, or do you pretty much sign a lifetime contract with the monster under the bed when you take up the writing lifestyle?

The only fears that keep me up at night are the 'can I meet the rent this month' or 'will I be paid enough to cover the council tax' type fears.

I don't fear never being published. I know I'm writing at the highest level I can, and I think the books are pretty good. Am I going to shrivel up with bitterness and damn myself to a life of mediocreness, just because I didn't publish? No. Writing is just one career. I'll keep writing my stories, keep trying to get published. I write the stories my heart tells me to write, maybe it will never be anything more than a hobby. So what. I'll just go get my PhD, and lecture undergrads in Roman History or work for English Heritage/Historic Scotland instead.

I'll be doing what I love either way. That's the important thing. If being published is the most important thing to you, then their's always KDP.

bettielee · Apr 7, 2012

I wish I could worry less about the rent and more about the work. This is the year I swore to move (pay less rent/less stress) and edit/submit more.

I get really stressed (like I am right now) and I can't write/edit/focus. I'm afraid of wasting more time, I guess.

Mud · Apr 7, 2012

I've started to interpret cloud formations.

I've just seen one that looks like a penguin with a giraffe's head eating a hot-dog. I think I'm probably better at this than writing, (sigh!).

Parametric · Apr 7, 2012

My paralysing terror is that no matter how much I work at writing, I will never be any good.

heyjude · Apr 7, 2012

I don't worry enough about writing to keep me up at night (though my characters sometimes talk too much to let me sleep), but I just wanted to say great thread title.

Rhoda Nightingale · Apr 7, 2012

I fear deadlines. And meeting word count quotas. Both things that are non-issues until I get a publishing contract, but since I see getting a publishing contract as an achievable goal, I do fear them.

Satsya · Apr 7, 2012

I've taken up a moratorium on thinking about my future in writing. I could spend forever wondering whether I'm any good, whether I'm good enough, whether my work will sell, whether my work will be published but critically dismissed, whether I'll eventually be able to make a living solely off of writing --

But what does it matter? If you've done all the practical research and are still resigned to being a writer, what's left to discuss?

Don't think. Just write. And I recommend keeping cats. They'll ward off the clowns.

Kewii · Apr 7, 2012

I worry that I'll really have to write a million words in order to be a decent writer.

Then I worry I should have gotten more serious about my writing sooner.

MarkEsq · Apr 7, 2012

Tex_Maam said:
The thing I've emptied my veins into for years on end will be met with a collective yawn, and I will have become a Known (Mediocre) Quantity. Gives me the sweats just thinking about it.

This is mine, too.

That said, mine used to be not getting published. I wanted, so badly, more than anything else in the world, to have a shot, to be good enough to be published, to be good enough to have an agent and an editor choose to work with me. I'm there, so that fear has to be replaced by a new one, right?

And what if I'm a success? Presumably my new fear will be my next book failing...

I guess I'm saying that I recognize these fears as normal, natural, inevitable. And transient.

Apart from the clowns in the night, you may be stuck with them.

Tepelus · Apr 7, 2012

thebloodfiend said:
That I'll die before I get published. That's pretty much it. And it's not the "it'll take seventy years for me to get an agent" fear, but the "I might die tomorrow and my novel won't even be finished" fear.

Yeah, I have that fear as well, mostly the I'll die tomorrow and my novel won't be finished part.

Ari Meermans · Apr 7, 2012

heyjude said:
I don't worry enough about writing to keep me up at night (though my characters sometimes talk too much to let me sleep), but I just wanted to say great thread title.

Ayuh. Mine are a voluble lot once they get started.

Priene · Apr 7, 2012

I worry I'll one day lose patience at my own laziness and stupidity and club myself to death with a piece of bockwurst.

Ton Lew Lepsnaci · Apr 7, 2012

Angsting's a natural (nasty) partner of passion. Down the road, those fears vanish.

I've come to think in terms of decades when it comes to "finishing" "day (ha!) job" projects (life in the fast lane

). Crafting something beautiful gives me pleasure. Seeing others take pleasure from the work is a wonderful bonus, and one that works its own mysterious time.

Quality floats. It always does in the end. That's what keeps me going in any field.

dangerousbill · Apr 7, 2012

I may actually run into one of my characters on the street and s/he'll beat the shit out of me for the things I made her/im do.

One of them's waiting outside right now. I just know it.

jjdebenedictis · Apr 7, 2012

Tex_Maam said:
Has anybody firm and finally shook off the jitters, or do you pretty much sign a lifetime contract with the monster under the bed when you take up the writing lifestyle?

I mostly don't get the gut-churning lie-awakes anymore. There are months when I get depressed and anxious about writing, but not so badly as I used to.

In fact, I was thinking about this last night. I have someone I love to bits, who loves me just as much, and we have a comfortable life with many moments of everyday happiness, and we're healthy, and for the time being, all of that looks to remain the same, God willing.

So I have everything I need. It's really nice to have a dream to strive for too--all those little ups and downs of the writing life are a way for me to feel purposeful and driven and excited--but everything that really matters, I've already got.

The journey is more important than the destination. The thrills and anxieties you're going through enrich your life too.

If you get published? That's just a new journey with its own thrills and anxieties. It won't "fix" anything in your life--it'll just be a new roller coaster to (like the one you're on now) make you scream and laugh and feel alive.

Always strive, but realize the worth may be in the striving itself.

ironmikezero · Apr 7, 2012

jjdebenedictis;7171486... In fact said:
+1 This ^...

Most folks worry about the money and/or the recognition...

Neither may be the best reason to write.

Motivation will be relative to the individual.

Life has priorities; get yours straight.

Find your reason to write, and ask if it makes you happy.

Be honest.

If it doesn't make you happy, find a reason to write that does.

If your reason does make you happy... Congratulations!

Be at peace with yourself. Peaceful sleep will follow.

dangerousbill · Apr 8, 2012

Mud said:
I've just seen one that looks like a penguin with a giraffe's head eating a hot-dog. I think I'm probably better at this than writing, (sigh!).

There science behind it. Giraffes love hot dogs, but they can't digest them. Penguins can. It's a match made in heaven.

Tex_Maam · Apr 8, 2012

Holy mackerel, I never EVER imagined so many people were on my same wavelength. Shoot, at this point it's not even "my" wavelength; clearly it's been in the public domain for years.

thebloodfiend said:
"I might die tomorrow and my novel won't even be finished"

Oh man, this - so with you on this. If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, my last thought won't be "what the hell is the 287 doing on Walnut Hill?!" but "oh god, why did I waste my time going to school and earning a living wage when I could have been finishing my book?"

bettielee said:
I'm afraid of wasting more time, I guess.

And this! I drank it in deep from an early age that writing is no reliable way to earn a living, and you can't gamble your education or career on being the next Stephen King. So I went to school and got a degree and then a respectable job that ate my life, and for YEARS it was "hey, unfinished novel, I just spent six hours working on you - whelp, see you next month!"

Kewii said:
I worry that I'll really have to write a million words in order to be a decent writer.

Then I worry I should have gotten more serious about my writing sooner.

And this! This too! Writing a book is the ONLY thing I've ever wanted to do with my life, and when I think of all the thousands of hours I sank into playing EverQuest or doing online RPs, I just... want to sit down somewhere soft and rub my face for awhile.

(Granted, EQ was what ultimately got me merrily married, and without those forum RPs I probably wouldn't have learned to write half so well half so quickly, but I still can't help but wish that you could scrape up lost bits of time like so much change from under the couch cushions. I bet I'd have at least six months' worth of crusty dog-hair-coated spare time under there.)

Okay, so what we've learned here is:

jjdebenedictis said:
The journey is more important than the destination. The thrills and anxieties you're going through enrich your life too.

--and this is one of those things that I TOTALLY get intellectually, and still have such a dickens of a time keeping a grip on emotionally. It's in that same category of difficult wisdom alongside "turbulence doesn't make the plane crash" and "the movie '28 Days Later' can't happen in real life." I look forward to the day when I can truly live the creed!

Ton Lew Lepsnaci said:
Quality floats. It always does in the end.

And in the meantime, I'm totally putting this on a plaque above my monitor. As God may or may not be my witness, I will be a floater!

KTC · Apr 8, 2012

Tex_Maam said:
You know, the longer I work at this, what scares me most isn't the idea that I'll never get there - I'm plenty smart enough, can change what needs changing, and will pretty much keep at this 'til I'm published or dead - but that I'll get there, get an agent and a publisher and a book deal and a release date, and it just *won't matter.* The thing I've emptied my veins into for years on end will be met with a collective yawn, and I will have become a Known (Mediocre) Quantity. Gives me the sweats just thinking about it.

So I thought I would ask: what gut-churningly awful what-ifs keep YOU staring up at a darkened ceiling? Has anybody firm and finally shook off the jitters, or do you pretty much sign a lifetime contract with the monster under the bed when you take up the writing lifestyle?

I will never be good enough. But I can aim to reach one reader at a time.

WackAMole · Apr 8, 2012

Parametric said:
My paralysing terror is that no matter how much I work at writing, I will never be any good.

^This...and

This. I made a decision to take the plunge and put one of my novels out as an ebook just to see what happened and what kind of response I got to my writing.

I toss and turn. I lay there getting embarrassed believe it or not. I actually feel my face burning red at the thought that I made some terrible mistake. I am scared for my writing and I am scared of the possibility that I might be no good. Scared, scared, scared. That monster doesn't just have a contract with me, he owns part of my soul. I wish I could calm down.

elindsen · Apr 8, 2012

I have tons of real, important fears like living situations and such. But as for writing I fear the novel I have been working on for 2 yrs will never be finished.

DancingMaenid · Apr 8, 2012

My only writing-related fear is that I'll never get a chance to write as much as I want. It feels like I have more ideas than time.

The Lonely One · Apr 8, 2012

I think this is the equivalent of refusing to join your high school football team because the chances of becoming a five star college player with a good scholarship, making it through like eight years of playing without a career-ending injury, and then getting drafted to an NFL team, then doing actually well in the NFL and landing a long-term career playing football, are slim to none.

I mean, yeah, you probably won't make a Stephen King career out of writing. But what the hell. You're gonna be dead eventually. Live in the present, not the future.

Can't Sleep, Clown'll Eat Me.

not in show business

Cory

Toughen up.

I'm a sparkly fairy princess!

Erm...what was the question?

Making my own sunshine

Vampire Junkie

slow and steady

Clever title pending.

And so...

MacAllister's Official Minion & Greeter

Out to lunch

A WIP

Retired Illuminatus

is watching you via her avatar

practical experience, FTW

Retired Illuminatus

not in show business

Stand in the Place Where You Live

WTF?!?!

Zombie lovin'

New kid...seven years ago!

Why is a raven like a writing desk?