I think it goes both ways, and there's an element of roleplaying. The high-powered CEO may feel so overwhelmed at the end of the day he wants nothing more than to be a puppy at the feet of his mistress. The trial lawyer may want to feel the pain he believes he brings to the parties he opposes. The Formula One chief may want to be treated like a concentration camp prisoner.
But on the other side, someone who feels they have no control and no power may want to be in a powerful role. The skill lies in taking control, not taking revenge.
I've heard this repeated many times. I think it's 100% pure myth. But it just keeps being repeated over and over that few people every question it.
I think it's a lot more complicated. Human sexuality in general is very complicated.
First off, we live in a very sex negative culture. The mere fact that you openly and honestly ask yourself what you want from your sex life is not normal. Peer pressure and expectations weigh heavy. As does your hopes and wishes for a family life. The kind of people you're sexually attracted to, might not be the best candidates for raising children. People have varying libidos. People are very often frightened by what turns them on. We like to live with the illusion that we can control what turns us on. And then add to the mix that we're under tremendous performance pressure in competing for mates.
All this leads to a dysfunctional sex life being the norm. When it comes to sex, it's normal to be completely fucked up.
I've been active in the Stockholm/Swedish kinky scene almost 20 years now. I've organised kinky parties, been a focal part of the scene, and I've been married twice with my 24/7 slaves. Within BDSM I've tried everything and done it all. Most of it I'm not eager to do again. But at least I've done it. So I think I've learned quite a bit about what turns our crank.
Submissiveness is the easiest to sort out. We're under a lot of day to day pressure. Life itself is often just one long string of humiliation. We're adapted to endure it. But some of us are just a little bit more sensitive than others and find it hard to cope. It's just a release to let go, and be freed from responsibilities, at least within the D/s context. That how I see it. But these people can be found within any walks of life. I've met submissives with any kind of job, and with any background. I've met submissives who blame it on childhood traumas, and I've met submissives who have nothing to blame it on. I think it's innate. Some are just wired in their brains to make them function well as submissives. A submissive person also typically works well in any kind of relationship. They're often good at adapting. Even to quite shitty situations. That's why it often takes them a long time before they finally make it to the kinky scene.
Masochism is just brain chemistry. Some people have a high enough release of endorphins vs plain pain to justify getting beaten. Either you are born with it or you aren't. The martial arts scene (and sports in general) is overrun by masochist types. People who revel in pain and love to push themselves, but who would rarely incorporate it into their sex lives.
And then there's the perverts. People who just need novelty to stay awake and stay in a relationship.
The above three can overlap within the same person or be completely separate. Women who are purely masochistic are often annoyed about the sadists they're dating trying to dominate them.
Dominants are a whole different bag of tricks. As a rule, they're (we're) all compensating for something. They got some deep seated fuck-upness that turns them control freaky. They can be emotionally distant, unable to form emotional connections to others. They can be extremely emotionally needy who requires extraordinary lengths at which their partners "proves" their love and devotion. Psychologically it's a very diverse and weird group.
It's not made easier by submissives often treating them like a fun ride at the fun fair, which they hop and on and hop off. The dominant is expected to deal with all the emotional fall out and drama from their submissive without having anybody to turn to themselves for support. So it becomes a self selected group that have very strong psyches, but with the above issues. A lot of dominant men simply burn out. They have the interest but they aren't mentally strong enough, which leads them to engage in abusive behaviour toward women. When they've burned all their bridges they eventually leave the scene.
The demographics play a part. There's much more men who are openly kinky than women. There are many more men who are dominant compared to women. So kinky men simply have to put up with more bullshit than kinky women, if they want to get laid. Dominant women often act like a bull in a china shop, with the psyches of the submissive men they dominate. They do it because they can.
For all the above reasons a lot of kinksters are content with just treating this as a fantasy they'll never if rarely act upon. So it's easy to see how dungeons fill a niche.
The issues that brought people to being dominant often go away or are made milder as we get older. There's quite a few who take the road starting out as dominants and end up as submissives.
Yes, I'm aware the above is a simplified description, and anybody reading this will find something that doesn't quite suit them. BDSM is an extremely diverse range of sexual behaviours.
